We're on the same team - Navigating farming relationships in stressful time

When the stress is high, our relationships often take the biggest hit — especially on the farm, where family and business are deeply intertwined. In this episode, join Steph Schmidt as she explores how stress impacts our relationships and shares practical strategies to reconnect and repair, even in tough seasons.

Whether it's with your partner, parents, kids, or co-workers, this episode is a reminder that we’re in this together - and that small actions can make a big difference.

In this episode, Steph unpacks:

• How stress shrinks our “window of tolerance” and makes conflict more likely
• Why conflict is inevitable—and how repair matters more than perfection
• The power of perspective shifting: “You can be in a relationship or you can be right”
• A handful of practical tips to reconnect, from small daily check-ins to sharing your “why”
• Why shared purpose can anchor your family farm in hard times

💡 This episode is for anyone navigating the push and pull of relationships during times of pressure. You are not alone—and you don’t have to get it perfect.

Disclaimer:
This podcast provides general information for educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional mental health advice. If you or someone you know needs support, please reach out.

📞 Lifeline: 13 11 14 — 24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention
📞 Regional Access (SA): 1300 032 186 — Free professional phone and online counselling for people living or working in regional South Australia
📞 Suicide Callback Service: 1300 659 467 — Counselling for people affected by suicide

🎧 Listen and explore all episodes at stephschmidt.com.au/podcast
🙏 Proudly supported by Ski for Life — promoting mental health, wellbeing, and suicide prevention across rural Australia.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

That the stress is up here, we're exploding all over the place of just reminding ourselves that we are in this together, we're on the same team. Welcome back to From Stress to Strength, a special series of the Farm Life Psych with Steph Schmidt Podcast. This series is proudly supported by Ski for Life, a grassroots organisation promoting mental health, well-being, and suicide prevention in rural communities across Australia. If you're new to the podcast, I am Steph and I am a psychologist, a farmer, a farm wife, and also a mum of three wonderful boys. In South Australia, right now I'm navigating the drought and all of its challenges right alongside of you. When I started this series, I put the word out to ask what might be something that people would like me to focus on. And it's been highlighted a few times back to me around relationships and crucially how do we navigate and manage relationships during stress. And to be honest, I think it's probably something that look, I know I touch on in a lot of the podcast episodes. Right here with you. Something that's so vital to what we do, but also something that can add a whole lot of complexities. Pretty much most farming businesses are farming family businesses. So there are relationships involved absolutely from the outset. It's part and parcel, and so not only are we navigating our business relationship, we are navigating our family relationships right alongside of that, intertwined together. I would say there's no right or wrong to do any of this. Like you've probably heard me talk about in other episodes or other ideas. It comes down to workability. That when you're looking at what is working, what isn't working within your relationships, within your family, within your business farming relationships, it's really about looking at what works for you, and that's what works for you as an individual, and also what works for you within those relationships. It would really be nice if the more stress we were under, the easier relationships were to manage, but it seems to be the opposite, especially I think on farm when we are all navigating really high amounts of stress. It's a bit different to non-farming relationships where one person might be experiencing high stress at work and then the other person might have a bit of a cruisy time when the farm stress is high, everyone's stress tends to be high. So, in today's episode, I'm going to hope to get through a few things looking at what stress does in our relationships, how we can kind of handle some of that conflict with a little bit more calm, potentially, how to reconnect because one of the assets that I think is really important to hold on to is that we will always have ruptures, we will always have disconnections, we will have breakages, but it's that repair and reconnection that is absolutely vital. Your choice. Okay, let's get into it. So, what does stress do to relationships? When we're under pressure, like the kind we're seeing right now, all across rural communities, and let's face it, communities, people everywhere, that stress impacts every part of how we function. And I think, look, this is a little bit from personal experience, this is from a number of workshops and conversations I've had across the ground at the moment. It's that build-up and pile up of yes, there's the physical exhaustion, there's the emotional overload and exhaustion. We get so stretched thin in everything that we're doing, and it is our relationships that often take the hit. It is so often the people closest to us that bear the brunt of how we are or aren't coping. And when our stress builds up, we end up snapping at smaller things. We're more likely to withdraw or close off, or we kind of step out of really communicating properly. We might feel like we're constantly walking on eggshells if the person we're around is really struggling with their stress as well. And there's a whole heap of things I often talk about that when we're under that kind of chronic ongoing buildup of stress, some of the ways it plays out in our brain, like we get a stronger negative bias, so we're more likely to see things that are kind of neutral or not necessarily negative, but might just be a tired face. We're we're more likely to see that as a threat or something negative. So when we're in that place of stress, we kind of become even more fixed on the things that aren't going well, or we might see our partner just having a tired face instead of a big cheery smile when they see us coming in the door, and all of a sudden assume that's a stress. And all of this isn't because we don't care or love the person that we're with or love our families, it's because our nervous system is really struggling, it's under strain, and it's really kind of maxed out. So, one of the concepts I really love is this idea of the window of tolerance. If you've listened to the couple of episodes so far, I haven't touched on it directly, but the second episode around some of the physical strategies we can do to ground ourselves in the moment and ride those waves of emotion are really practical tools for helping us to step back into our window of tolerance. So, the window of tolerance is this idea that we've all got basically a window of tolerance, a space where we can think clearly, respond calmly, stay connected, and the size of that window of tolerance kind of determines how much pressure we can tolerate and build up to. But when stress builds up over time, or also factors like experiencing childhood stress and adversity, a whole lot of different factors can shrink that window of tolerance. And so you might start finding that you lose patience much quicker than normal. You go into that zone out or numbing space, you start to avoid conversations or explode over the little things. Does this sound familiar? Okay, not just you, it's what our bodies and our brains do. And I guess what happens in our relationships when everyone's under stress, what's happening is we've kind of got two mismatched or two really small windows of tolerance. So no one's matching up. One might start to step into that place of connection and then the other one shuts down or fires up. No one's getting a whole lot of time to actually work on or expand or sit in that window of tolerance. We're kind of jumping outside of it all of the time or getting pushed or triggered outside of it. So it goes into this real cycle and escalation. So what can be really helpful is to just start by noticing where our own window of tolerance is, noticing where our thresholds are. Maybe start by kind of checking in, coming back to that idea of just noticing, checking in with yourself. And if your emotions are sky high, or you notice that your heart rate is through the roof, or your chest and shoulders, all these physical signs in your body that you're really, really tense and worked up. It might be a really key and crucial time to take some steps. Notice that you're outside of your window of tolerance and gently bring yourself back in. So that might mean some just slowing down practical tools, taking a few slow breaths, doing the box breathing exercise of counting for four as you breathe in, hold it, breathe out, hold it. Maybe saying to your partner, like if there's a really heated conversation starting up, say, look, this is important, we need to talk about this, or I want to talk about this, but I can't do it right now while I'm this worked up. Get your body moving. So go for a walk and get moving and then come back. So lots of that physical stuff helps to bring yourself into that window of tolerance. We can't manage our relationships, we can't have those challenging conversations when we are totally overwhelmed with emotion. And I guess this might also mean that, like on the farm, there literally there's times where we just we just have to get shit done. Um, so we had a couple of weeks when over the school holidays we were shearing, the stress was high, like it always is during shearing time. No one was probably talking particularly kindly to each other because sheepyards, hey. Um, and so while there was part of me that wanted to sit down and have a chat about how we can improve our communication or all these things we could do differently, it really wasn't the time. No one had the capacity, no one had the space and ability to make those shifts and to have those conversations. But interestingly, because we just had to keep being active, we had to get the sheep drafted, we had to get the sheep, the shed penned up, we had to get the wool cleaned out of the shed, ready for the next day of shearing. We were so physically active that we could just work our way through it. We didn't necessarily have to talk things out, it just like physically worked our system through, and then we could get back to responding, we could get back to connecting. I don't know where I heard it, whether it was in a relationships training or something that I've read at some time, but this reminder that you can either be in a relationship or you can be right, and just let that land for a moment. In life, in farming, I don't know, just as human beings, we want to be right. We want to get our point across, we want to be heard and to prove what we're saying is the right way, or just even to be heard in the conversation. But sometimes when we pause and take a step back, we can see that being right doesn't always fix that rupture, and sometimes it can drive that wedge deeper, especially when you've got two people who both want to be right in that space. So that little reminder of you can be in a relationship or you can be right. It's not about throwing up your hands and just agreeing with everything all day long, but I guess it's a bit about choosing your battles and in that heat of the moment, stepping in and kind of checking in with yourself of okay, well, what matters more in this moment? Is it about winning this argument or getting my side across, or is what's important actually protecting our connection? And this isn't about avoiding the hard conversations, it's then choosing how we actually show up within those conversations. And look, ideally, both people would be able to have this kind of mental background noise of what matters more being right or protecting that connection so that both people can work towards building in that connection rather than fighting for what's right. And so I think really bringing in that curiosity, I think is absolutely key in our relationships. A little bit of that curiosity, that assumption that everyone is doing the best they can, a bit of gentleness, and that stepping into someone else's shoes at times. And it might be a reminder to yourself, to your partner or in your family, that we are on the same team, even when we do see things differently. So, a couple of relationship tips that I suggest, or you can pry out. Look, there are gazillions of these, um, but this is just a taste of a few ideas. Set yourself a goal, and you might just do this for one day, I think. And this is, I guess, thinking about it within our intimate, our partner relationships, but I think we can still apply this within like maybe our employee employer relationships, or if you're farming with multi-generations on your farm, so often all of those roles they get disconnected. So the first reminder is just treating your partner like a good friend or like your best friend. So often our partner is our best friend, but when the stress gets high, that goes out the window a little bit. And so just simply starting by that check-in with each other, asking about their day, asking about something specific from their day, like how did you go with fixing that bore? How are the sheep? I mean, this one I struggle with because I don't really know which sheep are in which paddock, but even like how'd you go checking the sheep, or did that mob of sheep shift pretty well today? And then vice versa, like if you're the partner on farm and then your partner's maybe off farm or carrying a lot more of the family load, remembering like checking in. How were the kids when you pick them up from school today? What was work like for you if they're working off farm? That that genuine curiosity, I think, especially like if we are working alongside of each other, so often, like we're kind of doing the same thing or we're talking about stuff constantly that we we forget that just little check-in. So just showing that you care, you're paying attention to what's actually going in on their in their world, and it might just be like a 10-second check-in as they come in the door, or picking up the phone and giving them a call or sending a message, send a little smiley face me. So, treating your partner, remembering that they are a friend, they they are your best friend. So, how can you pull that in? Conflicts are going to happen, they happen, and the more stress that we're under, the more pressure that we're like as the drought carries on, it's emotional pressure, it's financial pressure, it's decision-making pressure. There is so much there. So, when those conflicts do happen, and those arguments do happen because they will, try and remember to stick to the facts a little bit, um, to stick to your observations, to stick to your own experiences. When this happened, I felt really upset, or I'm not sure what I should be doing next. Sometimes the more heightened we get, we get into those like you always or you never, that real black and white and that blaming or that judgment. And so, as hard as it sometimes is, in the heat of the moment, kind of check out of that. Try and bring in that validation, like validate for yourself how you're feeling, but also stepping into that validation with your partner. I can see you're really frustrated right now, I can see how anxious you are about this. It seems like you're really disappointed right now, and it might be kind of putting a pause in to say, I can see you're really frustrated about this. I want to talk about it, we need to talk about it, but I don't think we can do it right now while we're both angry. And so acknowledging that something needs to be addressed and then making sure it does also get addressed once you've calmed through it, sitting down that night over dinner or the next day, or go for a walk together and have a chat about it. So it's not about avoiding conflict full stuff. I don't think that is doable or achievable, um, definitely not on our farm, but it's just consistently working on how to make that healthier. And everyone's going to have different levels, different boundaries of how that conflict looks and feels within their farm. Importantly, as well, coming to that repair, and it's not the conflict that's the issue so much in relationships, it's the disconnection afterwards and the lack of repair a lot of the times. And look, I don't necessarily agree with the saying never go to bed angry or never go to bed on an argument, because you know sometimes you just do. No one's got the capacity to sort through it right then and there, so you both sleep on it and you come back to it the next day. But you might find ways of little micro repairs, even if you haven't quite resolved the conflict, it might be just a little bit of physical connection, having a hug and saying sorry to acknowledge even just your part of it. Again, this is what I'm conscious of with the kids, and I think we need to be conscious of with our partners and our relationships as well is no sorry buts. So sorry, but if you hadn't hit your brother, or if you hadn't thrown your shoe across the room, that's the kids, not the family. Um, or sorry, but if the sheep hadn't, whatever it might have been, try and just take a little bit of that ownership for what you did, as hard as that may be. So I'm sorry for what I said in that moment, it was hurtful, and I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry for yelling, I got really worked up. And next time I'll try and take a breath before I speak out. And so it's almost bringing in a little bit of that defensiveness, trying not to come into all of the reasons why. Again, sometimes it might be connecting physically before you can even connect verbally. So just standing there having a 20-second hug, which helps your bodies move through that stress cycle, might take a few moments of doing that repair. I think importantly, as well, for the kind of there's always two parts of a relationship. There's the person who puts out those bids for connection, those bids for repair, and it's up to then the other person to kind of grab onto them and lean back in. And what can happen sometimes is if one's not ready for that repair and kind of pushes those bids away, it can exacerbate and make that disconnection even worse. So sometimes, I guess coming back to you can be in a relationship or you can be right. If your partner makes those bids for repair, leans into a bit of connection, and you don't quite feel like it yet, see what happens if you do lean in, see what happens if you do kind of reach into that repair. And yeah, just start small, even just sitting and having your cup of tea together in silence is a start. Or if they're going out to do a job on the farm, just jump in the U together with them or come and wipe up the dishes with them, whatever it might be, kind of coming back together. And then I think what's absolutely vital in our relationships, especially as the stress and the pressure builds up, is coming back to our shared purpose. Why are we doing this? What is this about? What's what brings us together? What's most important to us? And so, again, there's these two parts within our farming families and our farming relationships. You've got your intimate partner relationship, like, what was it that actually drew you together in the first place? What were your thoughts when you first saw them across the room or when you went on those first couple of dates, even if it's like 20 years ago, thinking about what were some of those things that kind of sparked your fire? Think about like what was it that brought you together on your wedding day? If you've got adult kids thinking about what was it like when they were first born, what was it like as they were kids, and then for if you're an adult kid navigating kind of those multiple relationships within a farming like multi-generation farm, thinking about what really matters in those values, and then within the farming side of it, so yes, you've got the relationship side, but thinking about within your farm, within your business, within that kind of space, what are we doing this for? Like, what's our why? As cliche as they sound, what's our why? So it might be seeing the kids learn and love and grow as they grow up on the farm. It might be creating a sustainable farming legacy, it might be working towards buying the caravan and going for a year off the farm. Whatever that that why might be, and you might have a really big long-term why, or you might come back to like a why that's going to get you through the next two months, the next six months, the next week, and start having those conversations with your partner, with the people you're in relationships with. Within your farming fam, again, as the stress builds up, as the pressures build, we get so caught in everything that we have to do. The ongoing jobs list, the ongoing pressures. We're just thinking about all the stuff that we've never got done. At your Monday toolbox meetings, it might be just focusing on everything that's gone wrong and then the plans for the week. But see what happens if you bring in a bit of a conversation that that weekly or monthly meeting of what are we doing this for? Why are we here? What's most important to us, and how do we want to show up? Just start bringing that shared purpose to bring that connection in. Okay. So a few ideas there. As I said, like, look, honestly, relationships could be a whole series on their own. There's probably a lot I haven't covered. There is no easy way through this. I think one of the biggest things I could emphasize is that look, sometimes it is just freaking hard. When everyone's stressed, no one is showing up as their best self. But a little bit of that genuine compassion and curiosity, reminding ourselves that we're all doing the best that we can given the situation that we are in. And so don't try and change everything, but maybe just try one thing from the episode today, like one way of reconnecting with your partner. Think about like even write it down now so that when you see them, what's one question you could ask them when they get home, or one way of appreciating what they're already doing, and something that's a little bit tricky, what might be something that's small that you could let go of? Um, and yeah, what could be something small that you could let go of, even if you might be technically right? And all of these little small shifts start to kind of bring us back to being we're in this together, we're on the same team. And look, honestly, there are times where we even remind each other of that when the stress is up here, we're exploding all over the place of just reminding ourselves that we are in this together, we're on the same team. Thank you so much for listening and tuning in again from another episode of From Stress to Strength. This episode and series is proudly supported by Ski for Life, an organization bringing people together to promote mental health, well-being, and suicide prevention across rural Australia. Every year, individuals, communities like mine in BARA come together to fundraise, and this series is possible from that support. So I am incredibly grateful for that. If this episode has helped or there's something in it that has resonated with you, I would be grateful if you could share it with someone who might need it. Even share it with your partner or someone in your family. Leave a review wherever you listen so that more people can find it, and connect with me either on Instagram and Facebook at stephschmidt.farmlife psych, or you can find out more about the podcast at stephschmidt.com.au. And take away that even in the hardest times when our relationships do sometimes feel like an extra strain, they can be an incredibly important source of strength that help to get us through. We don't have to get it perfect, we just need to keep showing up. Take care of you and don't forget to feel your silently.