Supporting People Without Fixing Them

Have you ever wanted to support someone you care about, but found yourself not knowing what to say, what to do, or how to stay in the conversation when things got heavy?

In this episode, I’m talking about something that comes up constantly in rural communities and relationships. How do we keep showing up for each other during hard seasons when everyone is already carrying so much?

Because the reality is, when people are struggling the most, they can also be the hardest to be around. And that’s not because they’re bad people. It’s because stress, pressure and overwhelm change how we see the world.

I run through the four common responses we tend to fall into when someone is hurting. We either try to fix it, fuse with it, fluff it off, or flee from it altogether. And while all of these reactions are human, they don’t always help us or the other person move forward.

I share a practical framework called SITT to help us support people in a steadier, more connected way without needing to rescue, solve or carry everything ourselves.

This episode is about learning how to hold space for someone without getting swallowed by it. We talk about validation, invisible support, emotional capacity, and why sometimes simply sitting with someone in the hard stuff can be one of the most powerful things we do.

I’d love to hear what resonated with you from this episode. What’s your default response when someone around you is struggling? Come and connect with me over on Instagram at @stephschmidt.farmlifepsych  and let’s continue the conversation there.

What we cover in this episode

• Steph introduces the challenge of supporting people during high-pressure seasons 
• Why struggling people can sometimes feel harder to be around 
• Reflections from men’s mental health sessions in rural communities 
• The tension between wanting to support others while protecting our own capacity 
• How stress and overwhelm change the way people think and respond 
• The role psychologists play in holding space without getting pulled into distress 
• Introduction to the “Four Fs” response patterns 
• What “Fixing” looks like in conversations 
• Why jumping straight to solutions can feel invalidating 
• Understanding “Fusing” and emotional contagion 
• How people can get stuck co-ruminating together 
• “Fluffing” things off through reassurance, jokes or minimising 
• “Fleeing” conversations and avoiding discomfort 
• Why all four responses are human and protective 
• Introducing the SITT framework as an alternative 
• “See”: validating and noticing someone’s distress 
• The importance of reflecting without immediately fixing 
• “Invite”: gently helping someone broaden perspective 
• Asking better check-in questions 
• “Take Action”: practical support and connection 
• The power of invisible support in rural communities 
• Everyday examples of invisible support 
• “Tolerate”: sitting with discomfort without needing all the answers 
• Recognising your own emotional capacity and limitations 
• Steph’s farm-style analogy about “sitting in the shit” with someone 
• Why support doesn’t mean fixing people 
• Final reflections on supporting others with steadiness and care

Connect with Steph

• Steph's website
• Digital Hub for Farmers: farmlifehandbook.com.au 
• Steph on Facebook
• Steph on LinkedIn
• Steph on Instagram
• Steph's upcoming events

The Farm Life Psych podcast shares general information and personal reflections to support wellbeing — it isn't therapy, counselling, or personal advice, and it's not a substitute for support from a qualified professional. If something's sitting heavily with you, please reach out to your GP, a psychologist, or a trusted support service. If you're in crisis or need to talk to someone now, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. You're not alone, and reaching out is a strength.

Transcript

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Something that doesn't get talked about much is that when people need support the most, they're often the hardest to be around. So we jump into four responses. We try and fix it for them. We get stuck in the mud with them and we fuse with it. We try and fluff around it, make them better, reassure them, or we fleep, we avoid the conversation altogether. Today I want to explore something we can do a little bit different and how we can sit with them and help them through it even when it's tough. You're listening to Farm Life Psych with Steph Schmidt. I'm your host, Steph, a psychologist farmer, farm wife, mum of three, and founder of Farm Life Psych. This podcast is for people in agriculture, navigating the challenges and joys of life on the land, where I share practical, evidence-based tools to strengthen your well-being, navigate stress, and manage our relationships. Follow me so you don't miss an episode. And just a reminder, the information shared here is general in nature and not a substitute for individual professional advice. Let's get into today. Okay, welcome to another episode of Farm Life Psych with me, Steph Schmidt. So last week's episode, after a couple of technical glitches or last time's episode, I did a rerun around some of the things that I covered in the What the F series. And I wanted to continue on that line because there were some great things that we talked about. So yeah, I thought, why not keep on sharing some of them? So what we're going to dive into today is a little bit of what we covered in the community session, which was around, I guess it's something that I'm asked about so often is how do we keep supporting each other? And I think this is particularly important during seasons when the pressure is high. How do we keep supporting and showing up for each other when we're all carrying a lot? And so that was what our final session focused on. And one of the things that we started on, because I think one of the dilemmas that we face is that we're all good humans. We all want to support each other. It's not that any of us ever set out to not support each other. But the thing that often doesn't get talked about the most is that when people need support the most, they're often the hardest to be around. I did a session down in Narracourt last year, had a men's evening. And one of the things as we went around the room that so many people highlighted that they wanted to get out of the session was that they wanted to be supportive to each other. And that they wanted to look out for each other and support their mates when they were struggling. But then the next step that we explored was what are some of the things that drain us? Looking at the silo analogy, what are the things that drain our silo? And what was shared by many again was being around negative people. And so they kind of talked about, right, well, we just need to like not be around those negative people that drain us. And I hit them with the challenge, I guess, that all right, on the one hand, you don't want to be around negative people, you don't want to be around people that drain you, but you've also said that you want to support each other. And I think sometimes we can make it sound easier than it really is to support each other, whether this is within our close relationships or within the wider community. Because the way the way it evolves, the way it happens is often, I guess, when we're struggling the most, we do become more negative, we do get stuck in the negative biases. So we tend to see the world and everything out to get us. We our brain, like it literally perceives things differently. And so there's a reason why psychologists, mental health counselors, clinicians have a lot of training in holding that space for other people, in that they also have the skills and strategies to not get pulled into that negative vortex. And so we all know we want to look out for each other, but how do we actually do that? And so I I kind of brought in a couple of ideas that I think one, as professionals, we have in the back of our mind, but also what can we look out for or what can we remember? So it was the what the F series, and I drew on the four Fs that tend to show up when we are trying to help someone out. When someone's distress is right in front of us, it might be that we are at the footy having a chat with a mate and they are cycling down. It might be that we've having a chat with our partner at the end of the evening and we can tell we're kind of getting bogged down. What tends to happen when we're trying to support someone in distress is that we get stuck in the four Fs. So we either go to fix it, we either jump into fusing it, get stuck in it as well. We either try and fluff it off and brush it off, or we either try and flee. So fix is when we jump straight into solutions. We want to help them solve it. We can see that they're in pain or having a tough time. So we jump into, have you tried this? Maybe what you need to do is blah, blah, blah. Did you hear about Sally down the road when she was in this situation? She did X, Y, and Z. It's not that we're not hearing them, but we go straight into problem-solving mode. And I think all of us have been in the receiving side of that. We know that the other person wants to help us out, but it can almost feel a little bit invalidating at times. So that's what fixing is. Fusing is when maybe when we do try and validate, but then we almost get swallowed up and absorbed by their distress. We take it home, we carry it with us. This is when we say, I think, when we're all carrying the same pressures. So whether it's from drought, whether it's the world crises challenges that we've been facing this year, we saw it during COVID. So instead of being able to like validate and then move forward, we get really fused. We start getting in a place of almost like emotional contagion co-rumination. So you're both chewing it over, going over and over and over and over and over the same thing. And then walking away, feeling like one, that maybe you didn't help them as best that you wanted to, and that maybe two, they've walked away feeling more stuck than they started. So that's what fuse looks like. Then we the third F is that we might like kind of fluff. We we fluff it off, we brush it off, we lighten the mood, make a joke about it. Um, you'll be right, it'll all work out in the end. Look on the bright side, chin up. Again, it's often said with love and care and well-meaning, but it lands often as, oh, well, they don't have time for this. The person on the receiving again feels invalidated or not not really heard. So that kind of brushing it off. Or we're we're trying to reassure, but again, it it does come out as being invalidating. And the final F is when we flee. We change the situation. We may well avoid the conversation entirely. Detour the conversation away. You know you've got a tough conversation coming up with someone, and you just avoid the phone calls or kind of bypass them when you see them in the supermarket. So often it might be a literal avoiding or fleeing, but sometimes it's that subtle. The tricky stuff comes up and you kind of veer into what the kids are doing or what's happening in the footy or what the weather is. So you so you move on. And one thing that came up in the what the F sessions when we were talking about these is that we all do each of these from time to time. None of them are inherently wrong, but it's checking in on the workability of it. They are almost serve more as protective moves to protect ourselves in where we're at as well. And if we don't have that insight on what our own capacity is, and again, it comes back to that awareness piece. So you're in that conversation and just kind of checking in on, all right, am I sitting with this person at the moment or am I pulling into fix mode? Am I pulling into fuse? Are we both getting stuck in this? Or am I in fluff mode? Am I trying to make it lighthearted? Again, none of these are inherently bad, but if we just stick in these or get stuck in these, we don't necessarily help ourselves or the other person move forwards either. So it brings that awareness in, checking in on what we're actually doing, bringing that awareness and then that piece of okay, well, what can we do next? So what can you try instead? So instead of the four F's of fuse, flee, fix, or fluff, I invite you to sit with it in them. So sit's another little acronym, but it's the alternative to the four F's. So first the S is for C. Actually, just notice, see the other person where they're at. So this might be literally seeing, looking out for those signs of distress, signs of stress in somebody that may be telling you that, hey, they're not doing as well as they'd like to be. But also when you're with them in person, giving them that time, giving them that space, putting your phone away while you have the phone call, really taking that time to notice what's showing up for them right now. That validation piece of I can see you're really struggling this. I can see this is really hard for you right now. Validating what they're experiencing without needing to jump into fixing it. So it might be as simple as, I can see this is hard for you. This would be hard for anyone right now. It seems like you're really upset by this or you're feeling really frustrated. And the part I try and remember with validating, the part I remember with the when we're seeing is to reflect and then full stop. This seems really hard for you. Full stop. Don't jump in to fix it. And after you've given them that space for for validating, for seeing where they're at, for just noticing, reflecting, connecting, then you can move into invite. So this is where you gently invite them into, hey, this sounds really hard. I have some thoughts. Do you mind if I share them with you? Or it might be inviting them in to actually really share. So one of the tips that often comes up in sessions is like, if you want to check in with someone, we all tend to brush off that hi, how are you going? So ask it twice, say, how are you going? And then if they go, yep, yep, I'm fine, ask it again. No, really, how are you going? So inviting them in. But I think, yeah, inviting as we move past that seeing step can also be inviting them into expanding that perspective and helping them to step out of just that venting mode into right, well, what could be a different way of looking at this situation? Because when someone is seeking support, they don't necessarily always want the answers, but we can do this dance, I guess, between empathy and helping them shift their perspective a little bit. What might that look like in a couple weeks' time or a few years' time? Just helping them shift and thinking about that as an invitation, inviting them to take a slightly different perspective. Then we come to the T's. So it's sit with a double team. So now it's about taking action. So yes, we sit with them, we validate, we show up, we care, but we don't just sit in that forever. We move into action. But again, that action might not be solving their problem or fixing what is the cause of the distress. It's more about bringing in connection, about being there with them. So it might be the actions that you can take of simply sitting down, having a cup of coffee, calling around and dropping off a pre-mane meal. One of the things we talked about in the sessions when we talked about taking action was how beneficial invisible support can be. So this is not the support that you ring someone and say, I see you're having a tough time, what can I do to help? This is where you literally just do the thing, it helps them out, and you don't expect anything in return because it takes that burden off. Because often when we're struggling, our defenses go up even more. And we, I guess, when people are offering that that help, even though it's coming from a good place, if someone's in a tough spot, they can almost feel even worse. It triggers off all of this negative self-talk. I can't do it, I'm I can't cope on my own. Whereas the invisible support means you've just lessened that load that they're carrying in a really small way. It might be if you're calling around to a friend or a family member's house and you get there a little bit early, their washing's on the line, you just go and take it off the line for them. If you're driving past a friend's house, you pick up something for them to eat along the way. Also, the invisible support might be giving advice but in a really roundabout way. So say you're at a farm, like an info session, and there's a succession planning person there. You're not going to say, hey, Joe, my neighbor over here is in a really tough spot with succession planning. What do you suggest? You might go, oh, if someone's navigating these challenges, what might you suggest to them? So it's kind of getting them to have that perspective shift, but in a slightly invisible, little bit sneaky, but overall beneficial way. So yeah, that taking action is about the concrete steps that you can do. And then just keeping in mind, is there a way of making that an invisible action as well? And then the final T in sit. So see, invite, take action. The final T is to tolerate because sitting with someone who's not going well can be really hard. It can be uncomfortable. It doesn't feel good to sit with someone who's in a hard time. So it's about tolerating that you might not necessarily be able to fix this right now. Tolerating that you don't have the answers, even if you do have the answers, it might not help you if you give them all. Tolerating not having the right words and the discomfort that comes up with that. So that you can tolerate and hold space for both the other person and for yourself at the same time. And I think the important note in tolerating is that we have to bear in mind what our own capacity is at that time as well. So if your capacity is running really low, if your silo is running really low, you can have all the skills in the world, you can have all the knowledge in the world, and you will still struggle to tolerate and hold space for that other person. But if you can kind of walk into that conversation knowing that maybe your space or your capacity is low, then you can ease the pressure on both of you. You can go into that with just a, hey, we're going to hang out. You're not there to fix it. But yeah, it's that reflection. So I kind of thought of this analogy. Excuse the swearing. But when someone's in the shit, we have those immediate for responses. We might try and fix the shit. We jump in there with a shovel and we dig it all out for them. Or we fuse with the shit. We get in there and we get really stuck in it. We're kind of almost hands-deep in it with them. Or we fluff, we kind of go, Oh, your shit's not as bad as everyone else's. Like we kind of brush it off, pretend it's not that bad. Or finally we flee and we go, the shit's gross. I don't want to get in that with them, and I'm going to avoid it. Sit gives us a different option. So if we walk through those steps of see, invite, take action and tolerate, when we sit with them, sit with them in the shit, it's not doing nothing. Sometimes it can be the most active thing that you can do because it helps them to then be able to take the next step. You're not necessarily jumping in with all the answers, but you're seeing, giving them space and then helping them take that next step there as well. As we wrap up, a few ideas to think about. Just start by noticing. Notice what's your go-to response in those four F's. That's what we kind of tend to do by default, whether we fix, fuse, fluff, or flee. But moving into sit is what we can do on purpose. So validate, recognize, see them as a person, invite them into an alternate perspective, and then move into taking action. Validate, then action, and then finally tolerate. Being in those situations can be uncomfortable. You can feel pushed and pulled of not knowing the right response. But taking that step just to sit and be there with them can be more powerful than you know. And we don't need to fix it. We don't need to fix the other person's distress. Most of the time, people don't want you to fix it either. But helping them not just get stuck in it, but step into some different perspectives can be just so powerful. All right. I'd love to hear if you have any reflections on today's episode. Please send me a DM on social media if this is something that has resonated with you, stefmid.farmlife site. And yeah, until next week, make sure you also fill your silo. Thank you so much for listening and for taking just a few moments to care about your well being today. If you'd like more practical tools or any information on upcoming workshops and events, check out stephschmidt.com.au or connect quickly on socials at stephschmidt.farmlifesite. I look forward to joining you next time on our next episode of Farm Life Site with Steph Schmidt.