Episode 4: Stop Over Explaining Ourselves

Ever find yourself endlessly explaining your choices, feelings, or boundaries… only to realize the other person isn’t listening? In this episode, we dive into why some people are never going to get it—and why that’s okay. Learn how to stop over explaining, protect your energy, and embrace the freedom of being unapologetically yourself. No shame. No filter. Just real talk about owning your space and letting go of those who aren’t willing to meet you there.

Transcript

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Welcome to No Shame, No Filter. My name is Cambriana and I'm your host. And honestly, I'm not even going to ease back into this. Life has been so lifey lately. I lost my voice. I've honestly been a little overwhelmed. And honestly, I've had a lot on my mind. So this episode of No Shame, No Filter means we are just going to get into it. And I'm gonna get straight into why we need to stop explaining ourselves to people who are committed to misunderstanding us. Because here's the thing: it's not confused, not that trying to understand or not open to hearing you. It's committed to misunderstanding you. And there is such a huge difference because if someone actually wants to understand you, they actually ask questions, right? They listen, they give you space to explain things. But when someone is completely committed to misunderstanding you, it doesn't even matter how clearly we speak, it doesn't matter what we're trying to say, doesn't matter how calm or patient or detailed we might be. They already decided who we are, what we're saying, how we're saying it inside their head. So it sometimes doesn't even make a difference. And now everything that we say just gets filtered through that version of you that the this person has already played out in your head. They've already come up with who you are, what you're saying, what you're about, and your vibe, everything. And so now that is their perception of you. And I know this because I've been that person. I've been I've overexplained myself, I've repeated myself over and over and over again, trying to just clear things up or prove my intentions were good, thinking if I just say it the right way, maybe just maybe they'll finally get it. Or if I say it and repeat myself 10 freaking times, maybe it'll click. No, they hear you, they hear me, but they just don't receive us. And that's the part that's like honestly really hard to accept because it makes you feel a little bit crazy, right? Like, am I not explaining this correctly? Am I the problem? Why aren't they getting what I'm saying? Why am I always so misunderstood? Meanwhile, they're not even trying to technically get it, they're listening to respond, listening to just simply defend themselves, or listening to twist and turn what you said into something that fits their own narrative. And that's that's hard, right? Because these uh the everyone are they already have the story in their head. We can't convince them otherwise. And at the end of all of this, of us trying to explain and over-explain and overcompensate, we're just at the end of it, we are so drained, we are emotionally exhausted from conversations that continuously go in circles, and we're so frustrated because you're not being seen and you're not being heard. And the worst of all, this is what I used to do, you start to shrink. You start thinking maybe you should say less, maybe you're just too much, maybe you should explain better. Or maybe, and this is the hardest one, and this is what I did for a while. Maybe you should just keep the peace. Because for me, for a long time, what keeping the peace looked like was me keeping my mouth shut and staying in my little corner, observing and ignoring, because that's what I did for a long time. I observed people's behaviors, I listened to their words, and I stood in the background and I watched it all crumble down around me until I stood in the middle of my life and I was like, what the hell just happened? And it's because I shrunk. I shrunk to this version of myself that no longer had the courage, the want, the desire to stand up and and express myself. I was constantly just belittling myself. I didn't even need anybody to do it for me. I was just shrinking into this version of me. And here's the truth: you do not owe clarity to people who choose confusion. I'll say that again. You don't owe clarity to people who choose confusion. You do not owe clarity to people who are choosing to not understand you. And at some point, we have to stop performing explanations for people who already decided that we're wrong. You know, they already decided that our opinions don't matter, they already decided that what we have to say is irrelevant and we have no grounds to stand on according to them. Because what you're really doing is you're trying to earn understanding from someone who actually benefits from misunderstanding you. And honestly, sometimes people misunderstand you on purpose because it gives them you ready, it gives them control. Because if they label us as too much or too difficult, maybe even too dramatic, then no they don't have to take accountability. No accountability has to happen, and they don't have to meet you where you are, and they get to stay exactly the same while you're over there, twisting and turning yourself, belittling yourself and pushing and tying yourself into notch, trying to be understood when we will not be understood by someone who is unwilling to understand us. And I'm gonna say this so gently, but also just very honestly, we have to stop chasing understanding from people who are comfortable mislabeling us because that's the truth, because the more we explain, the more power it gives them to pick apart our words, the more we give, the more they take and flip it around, the more energy that we pour in, the less we're getting back from those who are aren't even trying to understand us. And you know, it's honestly not because we're technically bad at communicating, right? It's because you're communicating with someone who isn't interested in meeting you halfway there. And so what do we do instead? Well, I mean, for me, I would sit there and throw a fit and say, I need to be understood. You need to understand me. So what do we do? We stop overexplaining. You s and instead of overexplaining, you stop overexplaining. You say what you said and you say it once. And okay, you know what? Like maybe twice if you really think it's worth it, but like don't kill yourself over it. And after that, you let people sit in their misunderstanding because not everyone is meant to fully understand you nor me. And that is okay. That is where the peace is in knowing that not everybody will understand me, not everybody will like me. But here's the thing: I don't put my worth with other people anymore, right? Because more importantly, not everyone deserves access to that level of us. So we need to protect our energy, our peace, and our voice. Because constantly explaining yourself to the wrong people will absolutely make you question things about yourself that were never wrong to begin with. And I probably said this a little bit ago, but for a long time I thought that I was just too much. I felt things too much, too deeply for anyone to understand me, that my feelings and my emotions were too grand for anybody. And that is not the case. It's because I was surrounding myself with someone who never wanted to understand me and hear me because they're always defending themselves or feeling like me voicing my opinions and my feelings were a personal attack against them. And that was never that's not the case, right? Because when someone feels like that, it's because they don't want to look in the mirror, right? They don't want to take accountability. With taking accountability means we have to change, and if we don't want to take accountability, we don't want to change. And if we don't want to change, then I'm not going to listen. And so that I don't want that for you, right? You're allowed to be clear without being over-explaining, you're allowed to speak without defending every freaking word that you say, and you're allowed to walk away from conversations that feel like you're talking to a wall. I remember my very, very, very dear friend. Um, she said to me, actually, this is kind of funny. She said it to me just yesterday, and she said, I was explaining to her a situation that somebody had called me and they were just going off on me. I didn't even get a word in yet, and they were just going off on me. And she said, Wait, Cam, and you just sat there and listened? And I'm like, Well, yeah, like I didn't want to hang up and be rude. And she's like, Cam, they're literally yelling at you, and you just sat on the phone and listened. And I'm like, Yeah, because I was waiting for so I could so I could speak and have a turn to speak. She said, No, no, you don't have to sit and entertain conversations where you are being disrespected. And I was like, Oh, I so you mean like I can like end that conversation if I'm if it's like gotten to another level of like this person is yell raising their voice at me at this point, and I've they called me and I haven't even said a word yet. And she's like, absolutely, you don't have to entertain that conversation, you can politely end it and walk away from that conversation. And when that person is calm and can have an adult conversation, then you can talk to them and explain yourself without overexplaining, of course, that is, and sometimes honestly, and the circle back around, sometimes growth looks like saying, I said what I said and I'm not gonna explain it again. And that's okay. We can say that we have our own power to be able to do that, and if they misunderstand us, let them. Because the right people, the people who actually care about us, who respect us, and who value us, they don't make us fight to be understood. So if you've honestly been feeling really drained or frustrated or maybe even misheard, this is your reminder that you don't have to keep explaining yourself. Not to them, not anymore, not at all. No shame, no filter. You're just giving them just the truth. And so thank you. This is a little bit of a shorter episode. I wanted to keep it short since I'm getting back into the swing of things, since my voice just decided to up and leave me, and now it's getting back and it's we're back in action. Um, and so yeah, that's kind of it. And so I'm excited for the next episode, and I will talk to you guys later.