Episode 5: Becoming Someone My Old Life Wouldn’t Recognize

I used to live in chaos, hiding behind addiction, doubt and fear. In this episode, I get real about the messy, hard, and sometimes painful journey of rebuilding from the inside out from addiction and I touch on TFMR. 

I share the struggles, the victories, and the lessons learned while showing up for my kids and for myself. This episode is for anyone trying to break free from the past, rebuild, and step into the life they were meant to live.

If you’ve ever felt trapped in your past or unsure if change is possible, this episode is your wake-up call.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, and welcome back to No Shame No Filter. Today I want to talk about something incredibly personal to me, and that's becoming someone my old life would not even recognize. Because soon I'll be celebrating an anniversary in a couple months of being clean and sober. It's crazy. Time freaking flies. It's been over nine years of waking up, showing up, and choosing life every single day. And let me just tell you, honestly, my old life, she wouldn't recognize me. Not the me before recovery, not the me drowning in the chaos and the addiction, not the me constantly, like constantly doubting myself and especially my own worth. Because there was a version of me that felt powerless over my circumstances. I let my own addiction and other people's addictions control my life. And I was living in a state of survival instead of actually living life. And I ignored my instincts. I had no boundaries, and truthfully, very little to no self-respect. And I thought I had to honestly tolerate chaos to be loved and accepted. And I look back at her now. I look back at the version, that version of me, that girl that I used to be. And she was really scared. She was so exhausted, and she was hiding not just from everybody. She was hiding from herself because she couldn't face herself. And honestly, sometimes I mourn her a little bit. I feel sad for that girl. She was young, she was in high school, she was trying, and she just didn't know how to figure it all out. She didn't know that there was a whole other life on the other side of this addiction. And here's the thing though, I wouldn't trade her pain for anything because it brought me here. And I cannot believe the life that I am very privileged to live today. And my journey of recovery did not just happen overnight. I didn't just wake up one day and become perfect. Typically, it's not how tech kind of goes if you're an addict like me, right? I stumbled, I fell, I doubted, I relapsed many, many times in and out of treatment centers, in and out of detoxes. Not only, I should say, not only physically relapse, but I relapsed emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even in the smallest ways, had a dramatic, huge impact on my life. And at some point though, you know, I did realize that I could either let addiction define me or I could start showing up for myself. Um, because I'm not one of those who got clean and sober for family and friends. Um at that time I didn't obviously did not have kids. And I had to make a decision, right? I had to make the choice to either fight for myself or let myself die because that's where I was. I was ready to die. And I had to stand up and fight for a life that was actually worth living because I didn't think that life was worth living. I my life towards the end was wake up, get high, figure out all day how I can continue to get high, and then at night get high more, right? And repeat this cycle again and again and again, and it was chaos and it was dangerous and it was it was insane. Um, I didn't think that there was a life outside of that because not only, and I don't think it's talked about enough, honestly, but not only was I addicted to the drugs, but I was addicted to the lifestyle. Um at that point I was living down in Miami, and I was addicted to a lifestyle that I wasn't even living, which is so funny looking back at it. Um, I was chasing this lifestyle that wasn't even feasible. I could I mean, oh my gosh, I I couldn't I give me a dollar and it's going to drugs, you know. I had no business doing what I was doing, no business being where I was at. Um towards the end, it was just really sad. But that fight became my foundation for everything that I've since built. And here's the thing about like sobriety and transformation, it's not a one-time event because becoming someone new, becoming stepping into sobriety and recovery, it's you have to show up every single day. You have to show up every single day, even if you don't want to. Just because I've had a little bit of time, my time in sobriety and recovery and stuff like that, I can still go zero to a hundred and I can self-destruct if I don't take a step back and think clearly because my disease, my way of thinking can still be alcoholic, addict, whatever. I could still very easily go to that as a default mode, but it takes what I've learned and it takes everything that all this stuff that has just been taught to me, and all the trial and trials and the errors and everything that I've gone through to choose a different path rather than self-destruction, right? And it's choosing boundaries over chaos. I mean, guys, I'm still learning boundaries, it is still uncomfortable for me. Um, and truthfully, it took me a while to learn that boundaries that are when I set a boundary, if I do not follow through with that boundary, then I am just saying words. And every time I just try to set a boundary, but I don't follow through with that boundary, I am teaching the other person that my level of of respect of what I what I can tell what I tolerate and how disrespectful they can be towards me, right? Because I I'm lacking my own self-respect. And when I set those boundaries, I'm basically if I don't follow through, then I'm saying that I don't deserve X, Y, and Z. Um, and it's also it's also choosing my presence, being present with my kids over being checked out. Because, you know, life is you hear it in the rooms all the time, my life is beyond my wildest dreams. I could not stop using. Um, I could not stop using, I could not step away from the lifestyle, I could not do any of that, and truthfully, that it was hard, it was just hard, and you know, I can sit there and being present with my kids over being checked out, you know, like I being present with I couldn't be present. What I was getting at is like back then I couldn't be present. I I I was always checked out, I was always worrying about my how I was gonna get my next high, and I was so far removed from everything. And so today I get to choose being present with my kids and showing up for them and showing up for life and my family and my friends and my clients and just everybody, and I don't have to be checked out today. I don't have to wake up and I don't have to use to get through, I don't have to wake up and I don't have to scramble praying that I didn't do everything that I had the night before. Instead, I get to wake up and don't judge me. Listen, we're being honest here, guys. But today I get to if I can't name drop here, but if there's someone that's going to listen to this, they're going to crack up when I say this. But I get you know who you are, I get to wake up and I get to drink my Folgers coffee and be freaking present with my kids. Because that's what this life has given me. And today I get to choose growth even when it is uncomfortable. Because when I've learned that when I am uncomfortable, I am growing, and it's not till I get through it, and I look to the uh backwards, I look back, and I'm like, oh my gosh, I was growing that whole time. And honestly, some days it's freaking exhausting and it feels really impossible because I'm someone who couldn't put down the drugs, I'm someone who used those to get through life, and every single day I have the I'm so blessed, but every single day I have the choice to wake up and choose those positive things over the things that once tried to kill me, and then I remember that I've already survived the worst days. I've already survived my worst days, right? I've already walked through hell, and that's what gives me the strength to just keep going. And, you know, I was sitting here kind of thinking about what I wanted to talk about, and I'm just thinking about how in June, beginning of June, I'm gonna be celebrating an anniversary of being clean and sober, and I just have so much gratitude because I didn't think I would be here, you know, like I have gratitude for my body that is actually physically still here because the day I finally threw my hands up literally on the street in Miami and wanted to die, I wanted that last drug to be the one that killed me. I was praying for that, and I just have so much gratitude for my body that is physically here talking into this microphone, and it's just really freaking cool. I have gratitude for my kids who get to see me as a sober, present mom. I'm you know, and I'm gonna say this and I'm gonna follow up with something very important that I think is just a huge thing that needs to be said. Because I was about to say that I've gratitude that my kids never had to see me like that, right? Well, yes, that is true, but you know, I think about my friends in the rooms, and I think about just people who their children have seen them in that state. And do you know what, man? I don't know. There's something about it that's just like profound to me, right? Because it's just beautiful that we can be in that state, that frame, that relapse or whatever, like that people can go through that as parents. Cause you know, I did I did this when I didn't have any kids, and I have so much respect for those who get clean and sober as a parent. Because, man, like you're not just getting clean and sober, right? And just learning how to navigate life again on life's terms, you're getting clean and sober, and you still have to freaking parent. You still have to show up for your children, and like how hard is that, but like how amazing is that that people do that, right? And so I have so much respect for those who just absolutely hit rock bottom and turn around and rebuild as a parent because parenting is already freaking hard, and doing that and finding yourself again is even harder. Doing them together probably feels impossible, but it's possible, absolutely possible, and I've seen so many people do it, and I I've seen so many families come back together, I've seen kids just freaking excited to have their parents again, you know, and just have mom and dad, mom or dad, whoever, show up clean and sober, you know, like as a present parent. That's what's that's the beauty behind it. But anyway, um I have gratitude for the choices I made when I didn't feel ready to make them because I've made a lot of choices, especially this last year. Um no, I lied. I've made the most choices in these past three years, um, and a lot of them were heartbreaking choices, you know, and I'm talking from having to choose to terminate a pregnancy. Um let me reword that. Not having to. Um I had a pregnancy, you know, and um was so excited about it, and the pregnancy was just the baby was had a lot of stuff medically wrong, and the chances of him living after giving birth or even making it to birth were very, very small, and if he did make it, then his life would be extremely challenging, and it's something that I don't talk about often, um, because that was a really dark place for me. But, you know, I look back at that and like I did that's sober, you know, and um they call it termination for medical reasons, and you know, I went through that sober. Sorry. Um no, I'm kidding, I'm not sorry for tearing up because I just think about it and I'm like, my gosh, that was that's something I would use over, right? Like I would absolutely without oh my gosh, no, that would tear me up, and like I got through that and the choices I other choices, you know, um choices of separation, choices of just living like where I'm living, and like just all these choices that I didn't feel like I was ready to make, and I made them anyway. And I have a gratitude for a life that I never thought was possible because you know I grew up with recovery all around me. Um, I grew up with it running through my family all over. And I say recovery, but also addiction, active addiction too. And um I didn't think I could be one of those. And honestly, if I'm gonna be really honest, for quite a long time, I didn't want to be someone who stopped. And I just wasn't ready. I didn't think that I was worthy of this life, and you know, I really want anyone listening who feels trapped, and I hate when people say this, and I'm gonna say it anyway, because you know why. Uh it's I only know how I felt in it, and I'm going to say it, and only you know how you feel in it if you're in it or you've been in it. But if I can get here, you can get here. If you know, if you're here now, then like let's freaking celebrate because it's messy, it's painful, but it's freaking worth it. And part of becoming someone new is paying it forward. It's showing my kids what recovery and resilience look like, you know, showing other people that it's possible to heal and build at the same time, you know, like thinking back at just everything when I first got sober. Um I was healing from a lot of stuff and just so much stuff, and I was also building a brand new life. I was building something that I didn't think I was capable of building, and I was healing from things that I thought would kill me, and you know, it's also sharing my story so someone else doesn't feel alone because for a long time I felt like I was different, I felt like I was unique, and you hear it all the time. Like, I felt like no one understood me. I felt like no one could possibly know how I felt, and it wasn't until I walked into the rooms and I was surrounded by other addicts and alcoholics that like it just clicked, and I would hear people say certain things and be like, oh my gosh, like ma'am, like are you reading my mind here because like what? Or like did you live my life because how? And you know, sharing my story, and I actually had someone say this to me recently when I started when I posted I was gonna do this podcast, and I in my introduction episode I mentioned recovery, and I had someone say to me, Aren't you nervous about what you're putting out there? Because now you own a business, and I you know, I stopped and without even hesitation, I I I was like, No, you know, because it is I feel like it is my. Job to share my story because some addiction is just everywhere, right? Someone out there is either going through it or knows someone going through it, and if I can share something somewhere along the way that can resonate with somebody, or they can share with somebody, and someone just doesn't someone just feels a little bit less alone, then like that's beautiful, and I'm not ashamed. That was the biggest thing when this person made this comment, you know. Right? And it's this is actually funny. Okay, story time. So the backup plan is I live in Maryland. The backup plan is also in South Jersey because that is where I'm from, and it's just it's my home home place, right? And so I really wanted it to be in South Jersey too. So I have a couple girls that work down in South Jersey doing the jobs there. And I was there last week and I went to this home. The grandmother was there watching the sun, and she mentioned something about she's like, Oh, I love your lashes, like, where did you get them done? And I'm like, Oh, Maryland. And she's like, Why are you here? You know, because I was in South Jersey, I was in EHT. And she was like, Why are you here? And I'm like, Oh, because like I have my business, the business is in Maryland and then also South Jersey, and I come here often, whatever. And you know, she's like, Oh, what year did you graduate? And I'm like, Oh gosh. And so I told her about year I graduated, and she's like, Oh, do you know so and so? And I'm like, Oh yeah, like they were a friend of, you know, through mutual friends, whatever. They were and I was like, Oh yeah, they were a year younger than me. She's like, Yeah, that's my daughter, and I'm like, Oh, okay, yeah, like, oh my gosh, that's awesome. And I share this because I'm going to be so honest. My first thought was damn. Because and I never thought about doing my business in my hometown because people that I went to school with, I mean, even though we're talking what, I don't even know how long ago, even though we're talking 12, 13 years ago, whatever. Um, even though we're talking so long ago, that's what people knew me as. Right? Like, people knew me as the addict, people knew me as the drugie, people knew me as just unwell. Let's just say, unwell. I'm just gonna, that was me, unwell. And um, you know, and like my first thought was like, damn, like that's like what I don't want, you know, them thinking that that version of me is still is a reality because truth be told, I mean, and I'm I'm well over nine years into my recovery, and I'm no longer that person, right? It's been very long time separated from that life, and um, and then I'm whatever when I was with another another with one of my girls, and um, we were finished cleaning and stuff, and I went downstairs and she's like, Oh, so and so, which was her daughter, said hi, and I'm like, Oh, tell her I said hi, and I'm like, in the back of my mind again, I'm like, I hope you know, that that version of me doesn't define me or define their opinions of my business. And then I stepped outside and I was talking to the girl that works for me, and I'm like, you know, I never thought about that doing business here, and then I get in my car though, and I'm driving home, and it hit me that that's okay, right? Because I'm no longer that version of me, and I think that's freaking cool that they can be like this person can be like, yeah, mom, like she was a shit show, like she was a disaster, she was a drug addict, and then I could stand up today, and I'm not that person, right? I'm I'm a mother, I'm a mom of four, I'm a business owner, right? That version doesn't define me, and it doesn't define my business, and so when someone said that to me the other day, I was like, no, I'm not ashamed of who I am, and I will own it till the day I die. Um because without it, I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be wanting to help other moms and families, you know, with my business. I wouldn't I wouldn't be able to. And so I say this and I hope it I'm just going to say it because it's no shame, no filter, and this is no filter, guys. This is no filter. But if someone does not want to become my client because almost 10 years ago, I was an active addiction, and I am 10 almost 10 years into my recovery. But if someone chooses to not be my client, then they're not the client for me. If they choose to not be my client because of that, they're not the client that I want. And that might sound arrogant, that might sound mean, that might sound maybe a little aggressive, but I am someone who definitely stands behind my brand and just who I am, and I have confidence in that, and I'm not going to act like I'm someone that I'm not. And so that to answer that person's question just like I did the other day, though. No, I'm not ashamed of it, and I love sharing my story, and I'm not worried about my business with it because it it makes me me, you know. Um, I'm grateful for every single life experience that I've had the privilege of experiencing, and I'm grateful for all the highs and the lows in addiction and in recovery. And sometimes I look back at my old life, the fear, the chaos, the addiction, and I barely recognize it because it's just been so long ago, and that version of me is just such a different person. And the version of me that existed then couldn't imagine the woman who I've become today. The woman who celebrates these milestones and builds a business, shows up for her kids and loves herself because I did not know what loving yourself meant. I that was foreign to me. And today, I love myself, and that's because of my recovery, and that's the beauty of recovery, it just doesn't save your life, but it lets you become someone that your old life couldn't even freaking dream of. So listen, if you're listening to this, or and if you're struggling, or if you feel trapped in your past, just hear me out. You can become someone your old life wouldn't even recognize. You don't have to be perfect. You just gotta show up, and you have to choose you every single day. And when you do, the life that you'll build, the person that you'll become will blow your old life away, guys. I am not even kidding. Here's the growth, here's the healing, here's the recovery, and here's the just choosing better every single day and showing up no matter what, doing the next right thing. No shame, no filter. I'll talk to you guys on the next one.