Episode 6: Why Am I Never Chosen… And Why That’s Not the Real Problem

 If you’ve ever felt like you’re always the one who isn’t chosen… this episode is for you. 

In this episode, I’m opening up about a pattern I’ve had to face head-on, constantly feeling like I have to compete to be loved. Whether it was another woman, someone’s work, their stress, their addiction, or their inability to show up… I kept finding myself in situations where I was trying to prove I was worth choosing. 

And it forced me to ask a hard question:
What if the problem isn’t that they won’t choose me…what if I don’t fully choose myself? 

This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about recognizing the patterns that keep you stuck in cycles of almost-love, inconsistency, and emotional unavailability. 

We’re talking about: 

•  Competing for love (and why it feels so familiar) 
•  Choosing people who don’t have the capacity to choose you 
•  The difference between understanding someone… and staying too long 
•  What choosing yourself actually looks like (and why it doesn’t feel good at first) 

This one is real, vulnerable, and probably going to hit deeper than you expect.
 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, and welcome to No Shame No Filter. My name is Cambriana, and tonight I'm honestly recording on the spot. No plan, just here because I had something that hit me like a ton of bricks. And like the biggest realization that I think has been happening, these thoughts I should say have been coming up over time. But tonight it just hit me so hard. And it's not easy to say out loud, but all my life I've been fighting to be chosen by my parents in relationships and situations where I should have already been secure. I still felt like I had to earn my place. And every single time I end up feeling like I'm competing. Sometimes it's with another woman, or sometimes it's with things that I can't even compete with at all. Like work, someone's work, or someone's stress, or someone's addiction, someone's emotional unavailability, their inability to show up the way that I need. And somehow I still find myself trying to win, trying to prove to them my worth, trying to prove to them that I should be chosen. Why wouldn't I be chosen, right? And that does something to us over time. It honestly chips away at us very quietly. And it makes us start to question everything about ourselves. And I had to sit with myself tonight with a really uncomfortable question. What if the problem isn't that they're not choosing me? But what if the problem is that I don't know how to choose myself? And I'm just I'm walking through some stuff right now, and it's really shining a light on that. And it started to make me think that maybe I'm too much. Maybe I want too much out of something. Maybe I expect someone to show up that's not even in a way that's not even maybe possible. Just, or maybe I'm the problem. But you know, I can trace this pattern all the way back. Watching my parents, I'll start with my dad. My dad built a whole new life, a whole new family, and feeling like I had to earn my place in it instead of just naturally having it. Um, my parents separated when I was very young, and my dad remarried. My mom had her other her new relationship, and um just feeling like I had to be just better or easier or more lovable, just to be included in things. And you don't even realize it at the time, but that really does plant something really deep inside, and it teaches that love isn't just given, that it's earned, that attention isn't consistent, that it's something that you actually have to compete for. So then I got older and I went into high school. In my first real relationship in high school, there was another girl. There was always this other girl, and he would go back and forth and back and forth, and I stayed every single time. I didn't have it in me to choose me then. I didn't know what that was. Foreign. Like how why had no clue because again, from a young age, I thought that I had to compete for it. And so I stayed, trying to prove that I was the better choice, that I was actually worth it, that if I just loved harder or I showed up more, I did everything right, then I'd be the one that he picked in the end. And then comes my second real relationship. Now, this one was absolutely tricky because I was in and out of addiction, stuck by me my whole addiction. And um when I finally got sober, um, yeah, when I finally got sober, chose someone else, right? And in that moment, it felt, you know, humiliating and just everything. Um and just so sad, right? It's not just heartbreak, it's humiliation, it's confusion, it's like like what does she have that I don't? Um, and you know, and it was just a funny timing because I'm like, well, what the heck? You know, I'm clean and I'm sober. Like, why am I still not worth it? What is wrong with me? Then my next big relationship, um, for a very long time, it you know, it just was the same cycle. History repeats itself, just different people, and um, and again, now it and now, you know, it's the same pattern, just instead of with a person, it's with the work or it's with their emotional availability, or just with their capacity, and um, and you know, like what hurts just as much, if not even more, was realizing sometimes I wasn't even competing with another woman, right? I was competing with work or like priorities or stress or even like in my past relationships, like with their addiction or with the emotional capacity or the lack of it, that comp constant like competition and trying to be enough in situations where the real issue was that they didn't even have the capacity to choose anyone fully. But and I say that though, and I think like the frustrating part is that people might not even have the capacity to choose anybody, but they come across or they play it off like they do, or they talk a good game and make it seem like something that it's really not, right? That they do have the capacity, and then you know, the words don't match the actions, and then you're sitting there and you're looking, you're like, is it just like what is what like what and it's confusing, and then it gets frustrating because it's like why is this happening, right? Why are the words not matching the actions? And is it me? Is it me? And then there's that sudden that self-doubt comes back in. Like, is it am I too much? Do I want too much? Is it you know, and at some point starts it stops feeling like bad luck, and it really just starts to feel like a freaking pattern. And when in that space long enough, you don't just question them, right? And start questioning yourself. Like, what is it about me? Why am I always the one people don't fully choose? And that's really hard to sit with, honestly. And why do I always end up being the almost or the maybe or the second option? And I've learned through experience, fortunately or unfortunately, that that will break you if you sit in it too long. But you know, like here's where it honestly gets real, like, really, really real, is I had to take a step back. Like tonight I'm sitting there and I had to take a step back after I had this realization, and I didn't even want to look at this, honestly, if I'm being honest. But do I even choose myself? Do I know what that feels like? Do I know what that is? No, not fully, no. Because choosing ourselves isn't just saying it, it's not posting that cute aesthetic Instagram post. Um, it's not convincing other people that we have high standards. Choosing ourselves is shown in our decisions, and man, as I self-reflected upon this, you know, uh my decisions, honestly, yeah. I mean, I stay in situations where I feel really just unsure. When I feel anxious, I stay when I feel like I have to prove myself or prove my value to other people. And I stay even when I can feel that I'm competing, not just with people, but with things that will always win, that will always be above me. And someone's job will always come first, someone's addiction that controls their choices, someone's emotional limitations that have nothing to do with me, but will still drastically affect me. And honestly, instead of this is the funniest part, because I was sitting there thinking about all this, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like instead of recognizing and seeing that for what it is as a sign to leave to remove myself, it signals something in my nervous system to try harder, fight harder, show up better, convince them. And I realized that I accept half love and I then I end up calling that potential. I accept inconsistency and say, they're just going through something, or they're just really busy with work, or they're just really in the thick of something. And I wait for people to decide about me instead of deciding about them. I give them all the power instead of realizing that I have a choice. And that's really hard to sit with if you're like me. Because I've been asking people to give me something that I don't even consistently give myself. And, you know, this might hit a little deep, but I'm just gonna say it with love because I thought about this and I actually had to reword this and say it again to myself differently to make sure I was saying it to myself with love and not being mean. But I realized, you know, if I'm consistently and constantly ending up in situations where I'm not chosen, then there's probably a good chance that I'm choosing the people who are incapable of choosing me. And that sucks. You know, like that does. It sucks. And, you know, these people emotionally unavailable or indecisive, already halfway somewhere else, or dealing with things like addiction, pressure, or internal struggles that take up so much space, there's nothing left to give you what you need. Again, it becomes very challenging and very confusing when words don't match the actions because it's almost like that it's that bread crumbing, you know, you get like breadcrumbs, and like say they'll show up one way and then they don't, and it's like, okay, wait a minute, what is really happening here? And it's not because we're not worth it, but it's because they don't have the capacity. And no matter how much you try, no matter how much you care, no matter how much you love them, you can't compete with something that already has control over them. Not because you deserve that, but because it feels familiar. It's because our nervous system literally recognizes it, and on some level, it honestly feels like home. That feeling of waiting or wondering, trying to win someone over, it's not new, guys. It's it's a pattern at this point. And without even realizing it, we're finding ourselves in the same story, same narrative, same everything, just different people, different actors. And again, it's a pat it becomes a pattern. One that it took me, I'll use myself as an example, that it took me a while to even recognize and to see what was going on. Like I said, like I didn't have I've always seen, honestly, I've always seen the cute aesthetic Instagram things, and it's just you know, empowering and all of that stuff, like choosing yourself and don't self-abandon, you know, because I can abandon myself really freaking quick, you know, for something or someone, and um, you know, it's just like you see it all over the place, and it's just looks great, but it's really hard, you know, and I could see looking back in hindsight, like I could see where I would start to recognize it, but it's hard to do. It's really hard to do because my nervous system is of course, it's it's used to this, it's used to the chasing, it's used to be fighting to be chosen, it's used to sitting back and trying to prove your worth to someone who might not even try be trying to see if you're worthy, and it's exhausting. And it hit me tonight. I'm sitting there on my couch, I'm going through something right now, and I'm like, man, I'm honestly tired of trying to prove myself to people. I'm tired of trying to get someone to choose me or have someone see my worth. Why the hell can I not choose myself? What is so awful about it? And then it hit me. Choosing myself looks like walking away from these things. Walking away from these people, and honestly, I have a hard time walking away from people because I look at people's potential, I look at people, and I know people can change. I cling on to hope. I look at hope and I confuse it with my reality, and I cling on like that, you know, like I said, like that potential, man. Like I get wrapped up in it, and um, and I forget that that's not my reality. And I can't live in fantasy of what could be or what should be or any of that because I get stuck and I get lost and I get stuck in this cycle. And you know, you want to let's talk about choosing ourselves, but for real, like, not the cute version because social media makes it sound empowering and aesthetic, and like, yes, girl, yeah, whatever, it should be, right? It should be absolutely empowering. But like in real life, choosing ourselves looks like walking away from someone even when you understand their situation, even when you have empathy for them, even when you know they're struggling. Because understanding someone doesn't mean you have to stay and suffer with them. That's hard. It looks like not overextending ourselves, trying to fix what we didn't even break, or it looks like not shrinking ourselves to fit into someone else's limited capacity, and that is my hardest thing, is because I know people have capacity. What they can give, what they can receive. Like just people have freaking capac I have capacity, right? I do. But the problem is that when our capacities don't align with each other, then someone on the person on the receiving end is stuck feeling confused, um, questioning everything, stuck in like that fight or flight, you know, and um it honestly we can't shrink ourselves to what they have to offer because if we know we deserve more and we want more, we can't stay at their limited capacity because we'll get stuck. And it looks like sitting in silence and sitting with our thoughts. My gosh. Sitting with my thoughts, it's fun, right? Sitting with that urge to go back and not acting on it, and it looks like choosing peace, honestly. Like even when feeling lonely and not, and I don't know, I'm not even gonna lie to you. At first, I was thinking about it, you know, this whole entire thing, it does not, I'll be honest, it doesn't feel like self-love, like people on social media put it out to be. Like choosing yourself is self-care, self-love, all of that. It really feels like rejection and it feels like loss, and it feels like grief because you're not just losing a person, you're losing the hope of what you thought it could be, or you know, like the thought of what it should be. Like I said, like their potential. You know, we cling, cling, cling, cling. And I did that, I do that with everything. I cling onto someone's potential because I could see it. And the question is, can I see it, or is it just what I really want? And just because it's what I really want doesn't mean someone's capable of it. And if someone's not capable of it, or they're not in the position, or they're it's not their time and place to make these changes, then I have to decide: am I going to shrink myself to meet them on their level? Am I going to self-abandon myself? Am I going to self-abandon myself to get to to sit in the same cycle and repeat it and repeat it? And you know, I had to shift the question. Instead of asking myself, why don't they choose me? I had to reframe this and say, why do I keep choosing this? Why do I ignore the red flags in the beginning? Why do I stay after I feel the shift happening? And why do I keep trying to prove something that should be freely given? Or why do I keep having to explain what the bare minimum is? Because the bare minimum can't even be met when I don't even want the bare minimum. That's where it gets confusing. I don't want the bare minimum, but then here I am settling for less than that, right? And why do I fight so hard for people who don't fight for me in the same way? Why do I stay in situations where I'm competing with things that I will never win against? There's, you know, it's not even just about competing against people because um I've had I've had my fair share of that in my life. And it's about anything that someone holds to a very high value in their life, if there's no balance, it's going to feel like competition. And that's exhausting. We didn't sign up for that. I didn't sign up to compete for a place in someone's life. I signed up to be part of someone's life. And if someone doesn't have the capacity, The wanting, the willingness to make that accommodation, to make it, you know, like words are just words and actions speak louder than words. And um it's just something that I've really had to reflect on lately. And it's, I guess maybe I don't know, at 12, 14 a.m., it is hitting very hard. And you know, when we start asking ourselves these questions, right, like we stop feeling powerless because now it's not just happening to us, it's something that we can actually change because we can't control other people, and that's hard. I I would love to control other people, right? Like I'm being honest, right? Because life would be so much easier, life would be grand, but like I can't control anybody, I can only control myself. And when I realize that I have a part in this pattern, what is my part, right? I keep repeating the pattern and I keep entertaining it, and so then I realize that, and I had then I have a choice because I've realized it, and I have a choice to make. Do I continue playing a part in this or am I going to make a change? And I want to be really clear on something because all of this is not about blaming yourself, it's about taking our power back. And if the problem is only them, then we end up stuck, we're just stuck waiting, waiting for them to heal, or waiting for them to choose you, or waiting for them to become who you need them to be, who you want them to be. And that waiting, that's where we lose ourself. But if we recognize the pattern, even just a little bit, I look back and you know, honestly, I could see the pattern looking back in hindsight. I could see the pattern over the years. I mean, stemming from when I was a little girl, you know, like I could see the pattern happen happening, and like truthfully, sometimes in the moment I could I I would have those like little feelings of like, you know, like choosing myself. And like I would always one of my very big relationships, that's actually what I would always say. Um, towards the end, I would say I'm I'm choosing myself. I never chose myself till this day. I'm still learning how to choose myself, and I keep messing it up if I'm being honest, and that's why I'm in the situation I'm in. Because I still have yet to to master this. And you know, maybe that's why I'm recording this right now. Because accountability just helps too, right? And in that waiting, like I said, like we lose ourselves. But in that pattern recognizing it, you know, that's where things start to shift. Because now we actually have a choice. And again, I'm not sitting here like I've have this all figured out because I am literally going through this with these realizations, and clearly an entire struggle boss on it. Um, and so I don't do it perfectly, I don't know how to. I'm not going to tell you how to. I'm going to tell you my realizations, and I'm going to tell you what I know to be true on a factual level about people and situations and just how I've I've felt and what I've realized and learned. But there are still moments where I want to go back in the past. Moments where I even question myself, and moments now where being chosen still feels like validation. But you know, being chosen cannot be the goal anymore. Because feeling secure is, feeling respected is, feeling at peace in my relationships is, and if someone can't give me that, whether it's because of another person, their job, their own limitations, anything, I'm learning and I'm going to learn how to give it to myself by walking away, by not settling, by not shrinking to fit into someone else's uncertainty. And it's a process. It's not a switch. I know that. But it's one I'm finally willing to go through. So if this hits you, if you've ever felt like you're always the one not chosen, sit with this, please. And it's not from a place of shame, but from a place of awareness and ask yourself honestly, where am I abandoning myself while begging someone else not to? Where am I staying when I already know how it feels? Where am I trying to compete with things that were never mine to fight in the first place? Or where am I trying to compete with things that of course will always come first? Because that's where everything starts to change. And if you're in that space right now, you are absolutely not alone in it. But I'm realizing, I'm learning that there is one thing that we have way more power in it than we even think we do. And that we don't have to fight to be chosen. We can choose ourselves and we can walk down the path of feeling awful at first to get to the other side of it. Because you gotta get through it, you gotta walk through it, and we can get to the other side of it, and we can then post those cheesy Instagram aesthetic quotes of how empowering choosing yourself is. But seriously, right? I mean, that's the goal, isn't it? Alright, guys. Well, thank you for listening to me rant and coming and listening to me come to my conclusion that hits really freaking hard because it's not easy. And truthfully, I'll probably mess it up again, or twice, or three times, or four times. I don't know, I won't do it perfectly though. I know that much about myself, and that's okay because I know one thing to be true is that I've needed every single experience to I need to walk through every single experience to come to where I'm at now, so I'll need every single experience, every single mess up, every single backtrack, and then forward, and then backtrack and forward. I'll need every single one to get to the point where I can confidently choose myself and not self abandon. And I promise one day I'm gonna jump back on here and be like, guys, I did it. I've mastered it. Maybe. I don't know, hopefully. But that's all I got.