Episode 9: The Side of Motherhood We Don't Post

We've all seen the highlight reel of motherhood.

The matching outfits. The family photos. The coffee runs and perfectly curated moments.

But what about the side we don't post?

In this episode, I'm getting honest about feeling stuck, financial pressure, losing myself in motherhood, parenting through heavy seasons, and trying to build a life while quietly falling apart inside.

No toxic positivity. No pretending to have it all figured out.

Just a real conversation for the moms carrying invisible battles, wondering if anyone else feels this way too.

If you've ever cried in your car, stayed up worrying about money, questioned who you are outside of being "mom," or felt like you're barely holding it all together, this episode is for you.

You're not alone, and you don't have to pretend you are.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys, and welcome back to No Shame No Filter. My name is Cambriana, and today I want to talk about the side of motherhood that we do not post, or at least we don't post enough about it. It's not talked about enough. And I'm not talking matching outfits, the cute coffee runs, the aesthetic, the family photos where everyone is smiling. I want to talk about everything that happens behind the scenes. I want to talk about the side that exists after the picture is taken. The side where you're sitting in your car crying before you even walk into the house. Or the side where you're staring at your bank account trying to figure out how the heck you're going to make everything work once again. The side where you're carrying the weight of everyone else's world while honestly you're quietly falling apart inside your own because I've been there and I've lived there and I've been stuck there, honestly. And if I'm being honest and fully transparent, not holding back, no shame at all, that's where I've been. I've been pretty quiet lately, I've been absent, just trying to survive. And honestly, I think a lot more moms are living in survival mode than anyone really wants to even admit. Because I think motherhood can be so beautiful. But I think motherhood and life, right, can be incredibly lonely, especially when you're the one carrying everything, when there's not another adult to step in to lighten the load for you, or when life isn't going according to plan. And it's just that's just stuff that I've really been wrestling with lately. The feeling of just being stuck. Not stuck because I don't have dreams or because I don't want more, but I'm talking about the kind of stuck where every direction just feels freaking heavy. I want to build a business, I want financial freedom, I want to create a life that I love, but I want to be present for my kids, I want to be available, I want to be home to be able to make memories, and truthfully, I think a big part of me is wrestling the fact that I'm still grieving the whole being a stay-at-home mom because I was a stay-at-home mom for several years, and that's not the life that I'm I'm not in a position right now where that's the life I can live. And it's so funny because although I might be grieving that part of it, um, at the same time, like my business and everything, that's the other's part where my you know where I'm my heart is. Like I know that's with confidence, absolute confidence, that is what I'm meant to do and what I'm what I'm meant to build. So it's just like that, I don't know. It's just like that constant like push and pull. And truthfully, sometimes the those desires they feel like they're pulling me in the opposite direction, so it just makes it really hard because nobody talks enough about how hard it is to actually build a future while being responsible for tiny little humans in the present. And it's not talked about enough about how exhausting it exhausting that it is trying to make decisions when every decision affects more than just you, because it's not just me anymore, right? Every decision that I make is a ripple effect down to my kids, and it's every risk, every opportunity, every dollar, every hour, every single thing matters, and sometimes, if I'm being honest, like the pressure can feel very overwhelming, and it's actually a really good thing to talk about because I want to talk about the financial pressure because motherhood and money is a conversation that deserves more honesty, and I don't think at least maybe my algorithm on Instagram is messed up, but I don't see people having these conversations enough. I think a lot of moms walk around pretending that they're okay financially when they're secretly freaking terrified. Um, you know, I remember being a working mom for a little bit in the beginning, and I felt like I felt like I had a little grasp on things. I mean, of course, like expenses were added on, right? Like I'm now I'm a mom of my little girl, and I have to get clothes, I have to get the basic necessities, the extra food, the extra snack, like all of it, right? Just all of it that is involved with having a child. And at that point in my life, I felt like I was working, I had a really I had a good job, I enjoyed it, and I felt like I had it all under control. And then I became a stay-at-home mom because of course, like a lot of people, not everybody, but a lot of women, like that's a dream, right? Like that's their dream is to be a stay-at-home mom, raise the babies, have the family, cook the dinner, do the things, go to the place, go to the places, like do all the stuff, and um, yeah, that was my dream, and so I became a stay-at-home mom, and that's where it kind of took a turn, right? Because that income isn't coming in, basically, like it's not coming in, and so it's you know, terrified of an unexpected bill, or um, you know, just like the just being s nervous or on edge or whatever, but going back to pretending that we're okay financially, even though we're scared, um, like there's moms out there that are terrified of losing child care or not making enough or needing help or not being able to give the kids everything that they deserve because our kids deserve the freaking world, and we want to give it to them and like damn right, as we should, but it's pressure, right? And the financial stress isn't just about money, it impacts your mental health, your sleep, your relationships, and it it really does impact looking back in hindsight when I was a stay-at-home mom, and then looking at my current situation as a single mom who isn't really like a stay-at-home mom anymore, really, kind of ish. I don't even know. And business owner, who knows, whatever. But it impacts how present you can actually be as well, because it's hard to enjoy the moment when your brain is constantly calculating numbers, and it's so hard to relax when you're wondering how you're going to make everything work, and it's just exhausting, it really, really is, and I know, or at least I will say I hope I'm not the only mom carrying that weight because something else I've been thinking about lately is how easy it is to lose yourself in motherhood. And you know, looking back at my experience when I first became a mom before I was a mom, when I first became a mom, then yeah, two, then three, and I'm at four little ones. Um, I don't think it like happens all at once. I think it happens slowly. It's like that one sacrifice at a time, one postponed dream at a time, one I'll do it later. That was my favorite line. That was my you know me for it, right? Like, I'll do it later. Um, yeah, like until one day you look in the mirror and you realize that you've honestly become everyone's everything while forgetting who the hell you are. Because I forgot for a really long time and I was so lost. And looking back at that, I wish I was I think that looking back at that, I think I was so wrapped up in trying to figure out who I was because I felt so lost that I missed what was happening in front of me, and that was being a present mom. That was enjoying those moments, right? And it's hard because I've always had this like pull towards doing something on my own, business-wise. I've always like the entrepreneurship always, it's always been a part of me, and for so long I couldn't figure out like what it was what I would even do until it just smacks literally just smacked me in the face one day, and I'm like, oh my god, this is what I'm gonna do. And everyone's like, What? Are you oh are you crazy? Like, makes no sense, Cam. And I'm like, no, just you'll see you'll see, it'll make sense. And um, but yeah, like I really forgot who I was. Um, and slowly over this past year, I've definitely just have learned so much about myself, and I'm still learning and growing and evolving. Um, but yeah, it's not just like forgetting about who you are, you know, you know your kids are favorite snacks, you know everyone's schedules, you know, every appointment, every allergy, every responsibility, every place that someone has to be. But when someone asks you what you enjoy, what excites you, what makes you feel freaking alive, don't even have the answer anymore. And that is a hard realization because here's the thing like motherhood should be a part of who we are, but it shouldn't be the only thing we are, and that gets lost because and I think there's this like idea surround surrounding it, and like don't hate me for this, still love me, but don't hate me when I say it. But you can be a freaking good ass mom no matter what, and still chase your dreams. You can show up day in and day out, give it your all, and still be a badass mom, and like I think that's where like people feel like they have to pick and choose, right? Stay-at-home mom or a working mom or whatever, and then not choosing what it is that you want for yourself or what excites you, what makes you happy, like that needs to happen. That those things are so important, and we need to be able to show our children that mommy showed up for you every single damn day, did the best she possibly could while chasing her dreams because one day our sons or our daughters are gonna grow up, and we wanna be that example that you can still you can have it all, you can have it all no matter what. Um, you know, like we're still women, we're still individuals, we still have dreams, and honestly, we still deserve lives that feel meaningful, and I'm not saying that motherhood is not meaningful because my gosh, like absolutely, that is the biggest part of who I am, right? Like that is a big honestly, it'll probably always be the biggest part of who I am, but it's not just who I am, like I said, and I think a lot of moms are quietly grieving the versions of themselves that they haven't seen in years, not because they don't love their children, but because somewhere along the way they disappeared, and I felt that, and maybe you have too. But then there's also the part that nobody wants to admit it's parenting when your heart is heavy, when you're grieving, when you're depressed, you don't want to get out of bed, because my gosh, I've been there. I that's where I've been. That's where I've been. When you're anxious, when you're disappointed by how life has turned out, but the reality is our children still need us on the days we don't have much of anything left to give. We still freaking show up, right? Life doesn't pause because we're struggling, and sometimes I think personally that it feels really unfair. Like throw me a freaking pity party, stomp my feet like a toddler, like unfair, right? Sometimes you want just one day, one week, or one moment when someone comes and takes care of you. But usually, maybe I'll speak for myself here. Motherhood doesn't work that way, so you have to keep showing up. You keep going, you keep loving your children while carrying things they know nothing about, and how crazy is that? Like, I was having a moment the other day, and honestly, in the past, when I was sad or upset or crying, whatever, I used to years ago, I would go in the bathroom away from my kids and like have my moment and then fake it till I make it and like act like everything was great, come out, play, whatever. They would never know. But this past year and year and a half, two years, whatever, a long time has brought me to my freaking knees, and um yeah, that like went out the window. That went right out that damn window, and like my kids have seen me cry. And um, and my son, my two boys, they're always my daughter oldest doesn't ask, but my two boys will always ask me when if I am ever like upset or something like that, they'll be like, mommy, what's wrong? What's wrong? And I'm like, nothing, baby, like it's okay, and they're like, No, what's wrong? Like, they won't stop. And I'm just like, mommy's just a little sad, like it's okay. But these are the things that they know nothing about, right? Like, they don't know, and it's the craziest thing because I know I'm gonna look back at my mother at my motherhood journey and raising my kids, and I know I'm going to look at them and be like, my gosh, like if only they knew, you know, um, it's crazy, but honestly, I think that's one of the bravest things that mothers do, not perfection, no Pinterest worthy shenanigans, and no spotless homes, but honestly, just showing up when your heart is heavy, when you're scared, when you're exhausted, when nobody would blame you for falling a freaking part. Like, I'll talk to my friends, my close girlfriends, and we'll talk about like what I'm kind of walking through, you know, my different seasons, and they'll be like, Oh my gosh, like I don't know how you do it. And I'm like, Yeah, I don't know. I don't have a choice, right? Like, we don't some of us we don't have choices, and while it sucks, it's also a beautiful thing because I think it's what builds us, I think so, I think it's what makes us strong, and maybe maybe that's what I've been learning lately because strength doesn't always look like confidence, strength can look like surviving, like getting out of freaking bed, or making dinner, or sending one email at a time, making one phone call at a time, taking one step forward, but it's still strength. And the truth is, like, I don't have some perfect ending for this episode. I'm not sitting here with all the answers, I'm still figuring things out, I'm still rebuilding parts of my life, and I'm still trying to become the woman that I want to be. You know, um, truthfully, I've been a little quiet because I have been in like a weird head space. There's been a lot of things personally going on that has just kind of I've allowed, and I'm gonna say this I've allowed and given other people permission to take up space in my head, and it has consumed me, and I've allowed it to mess with me. But I'm here, we're okay, girlfriends, we are good. Um, it's all part of the experience, you know. Um, and I'm still just trying to build a future while navig navigating, like really navigating motherhood in real time. I don't know. Maybe truthfully, we don't need to have it all figured out before we speak honestly, you know, because what I've been dealing with on a personal level is not figured out like at all, like we are in the thick of the thick of it, and um, you know, like I don't have answers. I don't need to sit here and wait until I've I'm on the other side to talk about it, like I can sit here and have a conversation and say, like, yeah, man, like I've been in a dark place like recently, um, and I'm still walking through it, but like I'm still here, I'm still happy and willing to talk about it. And for the sake of not creating any drama, I'm not going to go into details because you know, we're better than that, but like seriously, you know what I mean? Like, I don't I can be in the thick of it and still come on here and still just like talk to you guys and say, like, yeah, man, like I'm in it, I'm struggling a little bit, and um I know that it's just another experience I need to experience to grow to get the strength and all of it and to become who I'm meant to be, because that's the freaking point, right? And you know, maybe we don't need to wait until we're healed to connect with other women. Maybe there's power in simply just saying just these simple words, this is hard, or the these two words I hate. Freaking saying, but like it feels so good when I'm in it, and I do say it is that I'm struggling, or you have like I'm trying, or like, and I'm still here, right? Because I don't know, man. Like, if that's where you are right now, I want you to know you're not the only one. There are moms everywhere carrying invisible battles that no one knows about. Like, think about it. Everyone behind closed doors has some shit going on that we have no idea. There are moms crying in the bathrooms, taking a minute away from the kids to just have a moment to themselves and let it out. There are moms lying awake at night worrying. Or there's oh my gosh, there's moms, seriously, rebuilding after heartbreak, you know, trying to build a new foundation for themselves and the children. Or moms wondering how they're going to make it work. These moms show up anyway. We show up anyway. So if that's you today, here is your reminder. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to have it all together, you don't have to pretend you're okay when you're not, and you don't have to say I'm okay just because you want to not be seen. Because here's the thing: when I say I'm okay, I nine times out of ten, I'm probably dying inside, and all I need to do is just be freaking honest and tell someone again that I'm not okay, right? Because I'm not perfect and I don't have it all together. But here's what I do, and that's I just keep moving, right? Just one step, one day, one moment, and sometimes that's enough, right? That's enough for now. I don't know. I just I feel like to put it bluntly, I started this podcast. I started this podcast off strong, and then it's not even that it fizzled out, it's that I just got really down in life, honestly, if I'm being honest, um and I've not been okay, right? But am I okay now? Yeah, yeah, your girl's getting there, we're getting there, right? Like, and but that's life. Like life is so freaking lifey, and life will show up, and sometimes it just can be draining. And you know, right now in this this season of life, just trying to be the best mom I can ever be. Um build continue to build my business, continue to to work on me as an individual, right? So I can be the woman I want to be, I can show up as her and be authentic, all that good stuff, and then like you know, you I still have like life stuff, house stuff, house chores, you know, like we're talking about four little kids and four little kids' toys throughout the house, guys. Listen, I told the women that work for me, I'm like, I think I just need to hire you from me in full transparency because it's like I don't have it together, and I will never ever sit here and say that I have it together and I have it all figured out because that is a freaking lie, and you know, I'm not ashamed to say that I don't have it together, and hey, listen, it's all perspective, right? Because the day I do, if I if if like if I ever do have it together, my life together, that sounds freaking boring because where's the excitement? Where's this fun? Where's the spicy stuff? Like, come on, we need excitement, or I do, you know, plot twists, do it for the plot, right? Like, I don't know. It's it's life is a lot, you know, and um if you're in it, if you're in the thick of it, you're just not alone. You're not alone because I've been there. I'm coming out the other side of being there recently, and it'll all be okay. But thank you for being here and thank you for listening, and thank you for letting me share the side of motherhood that we don't freaking post. It needs to be talked about. Bye.