The 40+ Life
A place for conversations with women over 40. From careers, health, relationships and lifestyle to personal style this is The 40+ Life!
The 40+ Life
Dani Diosi - Menopause Educator, You're not broken, you're evolving!
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Perimenopause and menopause can feel overwhelming, confusing, and, for many women, incredibly isolating. In this episode of The 40+ Life Podcast, Katy is joined by menopause educator, coach, hypnotherapist and NLP practitioner Dani Diosi to unpack what's really happening during this stage of life—and why it doesn't have to be something we simply endure.
Dani shares her own deeply personal experience of being blindsided by perimenopause, from debilitating brain fog and anxiety to loss of confidence, sleepless nights and questioning her identity. Together, we explore why so many women aren't prepared for this transition, why symptoms are so often dismissed, and how understanding the changes happening in our brains and bodies can completely transform the way we experience midlife.
We also discuss:
- Why brain fog isn't a sign you're "losing it"
- The surprising science behind the menopausal brain
- HRT, self-advocacy and getting the right medical support
- Why boundaries, rest and nervous system regulation matter more than ever
- The connection between postnatal depression and hormonal sensitivity
- The importance of listening to your body and trusting your instincts
- How menopause can become a powerful opportunity for growth, confidence and reinvention
This conversation is honest, reassuring and full of hope. Whether you're just starting to notice changes, you're in the thick of perimenopause, or you're supporting someone who is, Dani offers practical advice alongside a refreshing perspective: you're not broken—you’re evolving.
If you've ever wondered whether what you're experiencing is "normal," this episode will remind you that you're far from alone, and that thriving through menopause is absolutely possible.
Find out more about Dani Diosi -
https://www.instagram.com/danidiosicoaching/
If you enjoyed the episode please do subscribe and leave The 40+ Life a review.
Follow The 40+ Life on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/the40pluslifepodcast/
Find out more about TV Presenter Katy Pullinger https://www.instagram.com/katypullinger/
Welcome back to the 40 Plus Life Podcast. This week I'm delighted to welcome Danny Diossi, a menopause educator, support coach, qualified hypnotherapist, mind-coding practitioner, and NLP master coach. Danny's on a mission to help women move from simply surviving peramenopause and menopause to truly thriving through it. Like many women, Danny's own menopause and perimenopause journey came as a complete shock. She describes it as being hit by a tidal wave, struggling with brain fog, anxiety, sleep deprivation, loss of confidence, and questioning everything from her identity to her career. But instead of letting that experience define her, she transformed into a powerful new purpose. Welcome, Danny Diosi to the 40 Plus Life Podcast. Hi, great to have you here.
SPEAKER_01Thank you for having me. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Welcome. Gosh, you say you've got a lot of hats going on, even under the umbrella of just perimenopause. You've got a lot of a lot of skills to talk us through.
SPEAKER_01Yes, I like it when you put it like that. It makes me sound very impressive.
SPEAKER_00You are impressive. I'm so grateful that you've come onto the 40 Plus Life podcast to share your experience because obviously you're working with so many women in that plus 40 and beyond life that are either right in the thick of it or maybe they've come through it as well. Some of you listening right now, maybe you're actually out of the other side, but you're still trying to unpack what you've just gone through.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. I mean, it is. It's like when I say it felt like a tidal wave, it does. And the problem is it's insidious, you know, it's like little things that you don't maybe notice or pay attention to at first. But eventually, there's absolutely no ignoring the fact that the rug has been swept from underneath you and something pretty major is going on, and we're not prepared for it. I don't think we are as we're not taught about it as young girls. You know, it's it's almost like on a need-to-know basis. I know. I know.
SPEAKER_00I feel like it's changing. I think our our daughters or my daughters who are now 14 and 11, I feel like they're getting to learn a little bit more about it at school. I don't think they're getting, you know, weeks or full lessons on it, but I think it does get delved into more than we we ever had it. I don't think I even heard the word menopause until I couldn't tell you when I first heard about menopause.
SPEAKER_01I don't think our mothers did talk about it because it wasn't the sort of the done thing. It was just expected just to get on with it and don't complain.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. It's just a woman's passage that you know everyone has to go through and we we all go through it, darling. It's that kind of five, isn't it? Exactly. Tell me tell me about your experience through paramenopause. How did it go for you?
SPEAKER_01So I think looking back, the symptoms must have started around my early 40s. You know, I just remember having this almost, it felt like everywhere I was, I was kind of tuned in to several different radio channels, which were all, you know, not quite connecting. Do you remember when we used to tune radio? Yeah. Back in the olden days in the dark ages. Back in those days, and until you actually got the signal spot on, it was kind of crackly. And it just felt like when I was surrounded by people, that there were so many different frequencies going on that it was really difficult to think. But it wasn't until we sort of we'd come through COVID and I was I'd signed up to do a half marathon, as we do. Um, and I remember my husband sort of drove me around the route beforehand because I've got zero sense of direction at the best of time. So we thought it was probably prudent. I can relate, yeah. Um, and I remember sitting in the car park next to him and absolutely sobbing and saying that I wish I was actually employed as opposed to self-employed because I feel so dreadful that I'd be going to the doctors to get signed off.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Um but obviously when you're running your own business, it's impossible. There's no sick pay, there's nothing to support you. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think it was then that I realized I've got to do something about it. Um, and I was I was very lucky that I went straight to a menopause specialist who got me started on HRT straight away. And even though obviously that in itself is a journey because it can take a bit of time to find the right dose, the right application, etc. Um, and obviously your hormones are fluctuating and changing the whole time. So even once you think, oh yeah, perfect, got it, it will change again. So I was very and I'm aware how privileged and lucky I was to do that because I know that it is not that way for the vast majority of women, which is absolutely scandalous.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's a whole other topic. It's a luck of the draw of the doctor that you get at your surgery or your surgery in your area, full stop. I mean, I was incredibly lucky. The the doctor that I had um just she listened, she said, I think you're right, let's do it, let's get you onto HRT. But then another friend of mine, she was totally dismissed. And they actually they said they they they blamed it on other things because she was having to take other medications, and they just said, Oh no, no, it's that, and they just wouldn't listen to her at all.
SPEAKER_01But it's and again, that doesn't surprise me because my previous career was around birth. I I started off in the antenatal space, and it's the same thing. It's doctors not listening to women talking about their own bodies, they know best, they're the ones with the medical degrees, and I'm not casting aspersions on all doctors because all doctors are like that, but it was that time and time and time again. The word of the woman, the person themselves that was going through it was dismissed. And so the fact that it's the same for a lot of people going through this now in perimenopause. I wish it surprised me. I'd love it to surprise me, I'd love it to be the anomaly, but I know that it's absolutely not. What were your first symptoms? Um, I think it was there was rage. I remember one of the questions that I was asked. Uh the doctor got me to fill in a bit of a checklist, and she said, she said, Do you suffer a lot of rage? And I remember saying, Um, well, put it this way, there are a hell of a lot of stupid people in this world. I'm still um so it was that, it was the the word finding. Oh my god, that was my previous role. I was teaching, I was training, um, you know, I'd be talking to expectant parents, I'd be talking to student practitioners, and I'd be standing there and I'd want to say uterus. You know, I'm describing where the baby lives. A word you've said 50 million times. Right. And I'd stand there and I it just it had completely escaped. And it wasn't even, it's on the tip of my tongue. Yeah, it was as though I'd never even knew it.
SPEAKER_00And it was frightening, it was utterly depressing. Embarrassing as well, I can imagine. And making you think, oh my gosh, I can't do my job, which then the knock-on effect, your confidence and making you spiral, probably.
SPEAKER_01Totally, totally. It was that it was having so little patience with my children, my husband, who, you know, thank God, is probably the most patient person on this planet. But it was just, I felt I felt like a shadow of my former self. Um, you know, my body was changing, my mind felt like well, I was so tired, I couldn't sleep, the night sweats.
SPEAKER_00It was it was intolerable. Yeah. I mean, I'm also seeing people talking about the almost like this this grief that women go through at this age, because you start to grieve the woman that you were, yeah, and all the things you could have done and would have done, you start to feel like everything you know, it's everything's too late. And the the the it's quite catastrophic for a lot of women. One, if they don't get the support, and two, if you haven't got a supportive partner, if you have a partner, you know, we do hear about, and I know I've seen it happen with people that I know where they've ended up getting divorced because that yeah, because they they've either they've gone off everything, there's no libido, they don't want their husband anywhere near them, and you know, don't even breathe near me. The you know, the partner feels completely rejected, ignored. They don't want to live in a house with a woman full of rage, and suddenly, you know, the the cliche of that that younger, fertile, hot young woman uh is uh looking quite appealing. Yeah. And you know, this it's just it's a story as old as time, isn't it? I mean, I bet you you must see that quite a lot with women that come to you.
SPEAKER_01It is, but I also think there's kind of a story that's even older than that, that which is actually that menopause, yes, it's a change, but it's actually a change and a chat uh the opportunity for us to kind of step into our power. You know, the the the story of menopause being the end of our youth, of our fertility, um, of our relationships is very much, you know, we are a product of the society and the culture that we have grown up in. And we're bombarded with from when we've been tiny, you know, images of beauty of thin, young women. And we hear it a lot from um, you know, actresses in in Hollywood, the the UK industry, that there are plenty of roles for silver foxes, and older men are kind of um, you know, they're they're deemed to being more attractive as they get older.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they can still come back and be the hot male lead that has the romance, but the women have to, there's this kind of 15, 20 year age window where they have to disappear and then they can come back as the grandmother. Right. Or the or the gnarly uh the gnarly old witch. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01And so it's kind of it's just those little subtle messages that lead us to A, being denial, so ignoring a lot of those early symptoms, which actually, if we got onto it sooner, then that would fare us better, you know, going through it. Yeah. Um, but no, I can't, I'm far too young to be there. There is that confidence issue because actually, if I if I'm getting old, what what purpose do I have? And actually, and again, this is to do with what's going on in the brain, the way that the brain is changing, our neurology is changing to set us up for actually being much more autonomous, being much more in that leadership role, much more the teacher. And so, way, way back in the day, you know, the wise women who were kind of unofficial leaders of the villages in the towns were the women that had gone into menopause.
SPEAKER_00So, so what is actually happening? So is it is it that suddenly uh we'll get this nice sort of plateau after menopause or peramenopause where we can maybe think more clearly.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes, okay. Basically, in a nutshell. I mean, obviously it kind of can vary from person to person, but what is going on is every cell in our body is fueled by estrogen and progesterone as well to a certain extent. There's progesterone affects other areas um slightly differently, including our brain. Our brain is basically fueled by estrogen, and it uses up so much energy every month, kind of getting our body ready to have a pregnancy. And then obviously, when that doesn't happen, the cycle kind of starts again. Yeah. And as we go through perimenopause, which is that transition between being pre-menopausal and post-menopausal, and uh the quantity of our eggs are lessening. We're born with a fixed amount of eggs, we don't make more. The brain is having to learn to use a different energy to function, and that's what creates the brain fog. And at the same time, it's having to bypass things that sort of came naturally. So, very much many of our executive function aspects like multitasking, planning, decision making, those almost have to kind of go by the backside. Yes, absolutely. So that we can focus much more on pleasing ourselves rather than, which is what we're supposed to do at this stage, rather than putting ourselves last in order to look after and nurture everyone else.
SPEAKER_00Gosh, that is a really actually quite enlightening, exciting perspective, actually. Really? Because we panic when this starts to happen to us and suddenly we're miss, we're missing appointments and forgetting things. And suddenly you think, oh my gosh, I'm you know, I'm a nightmare, everyone hates me, oh god, I'm messing everything up. But actually, we should be thinking, oh no, this is we're in a chrysalis right now. Yeah. And what we're coming out the other side of this as the I don't know, zero cares, not zero cares, that's the wrong term.
SPEAKER_01But it's you, your your BF detector is like fully functional. Yeah. And it what you would have tolerated previously, it's almost like your brain and body are going, mm-mm, not now.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I really, I really I love this this perspective. Yeah. And that's oh, I haven't got time for this. Exactly. I haven't got time for your messing about. Absolutely. Or I don't have time for that person in my life. I don't have time for filling my week with too many things. No, no, you you suddenly being maybe being able to say no more. And so that oh no, no, I know what's right for me.
SPEAKER_01That's the idea, and that's also why divorces happen, because actually it's sort of like, why am I settling? Right. Very normal. That's also why lots of women, you know, this again, there's two sides to this story, but lots of women will start their most successful businesses when they are in this phase of their life.
SPEAKER_00That is really cool, and I do see that in other lines of my work where I've met a lot of uh female founders and so many of the stories that where they started in their 40s, and and it's often put down to the oh, the kids were that bit older, so I had a bit more time back. And maybe it's not, I mean, it will be a bit of that too. Yeah, but actually is potentially just they're coming into this new brain power.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and actually, there's been proper research on this. I don't know if you've heard of somebody called Dr. Lisa Muscone. She has yeah, she's done, she's written a book called The Menopause Brain, and she's done brain scans of women, sort of, you know, pre, during, and post. And a lot of her findings show that cognitively, once we're through the other side, we are as cognitively able, if not more, than certainly male counterparts. So this is going to turn into a kind of raw. Yeah. But you know, and they haven't, they haven't been through the menopause. Men don't go through the menopause. So it feels frightening, it feels like we're losing it. But one thing I always say to my clients is it's not dementia. You know, dementia is when you forget what keys are for. Brainfold is forgetting. That's when you've lost put your keys.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a that's a good way to look at it.
SPEAKER_01I mean, obviously, you know, I say this a caveatic, you know, there are lots of different sort of factors. But in general, but in general, and a lot of the work that I do with my clients is because this feels so scary, this feels so new, this feels so, but wait, I need to be looking after XYZ and the other. And and to throw in another twist, evolutionary-wise, I'm sure there's a better way of putting that, but we're going to, you know, previously, when we went through this phase, our children would have been grown up onto their own thing, and actually, we would then be sort of helping to look after the children so that our daughters and sons could go out and you know, hunt together, etc. Tend to the fields. Tend to the fields, exactly. But now, because women very commonly are having their children later in lives, it stands to reason that they're going to be going through this perimenopause transition whilst they still maybe in some cases got babies. Yep. Toddlers, you know, children of all ages. And as we were saying earlier, that presents at every different stage that presents its challenges.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So it's working with women to say that actually it's not, you don't have to be one or the other, you don't have to be a nurturer or, you know, badass boss, yeah, yeah, whatever. It's it's actually about understanding your own boundaries and giving yourself permission to actually not even ask for that support. You know, if you are in a in a relationship, or you have got older children, or you have got children that are capable of doing tasks, get them doing it. Yeah. You know, nobody is a mind reader. If you're standing there going, yeah, yeah. Why don't you am I having to do everything? I'm cross at everybody. It's just like, okay, delegate. It's delegate and establish boundaries. You know, it does get harder when we get older and we go through this phase to stay out longer and do all of the things. And we do have to do, we do have to decide, you know, we do have to kind of it's all this.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think you know, looking it's looking at that busy calendar and we're always trying to go, oh, I could do this then, I could do that then. And actually going, sometimes there should be those breaks for you to actually do nothing. Absolutely. And learn to say no. Yes, and have those time that time for yourself to actually just rest. Yes. Rest and let your body and brain do the things that it that it's supposed to do. Um, what are you seeing most with the clients that are coming to you? And what where do you start with them in terms of helping women through as a as a paramenopause coach?
SPEAKER_01So it's everyone's different, and it's usually the first question is kind of what is the biggest issue for you right now? And it may be something like I don't know, a lot of lot of women go for the the weight gain because it's kind of it's almost like your clothes have had a conversation behind your back, all decided unanimously to gang up against you, and suddenly nothing fits. And again, that totally feeds into our insecurities about in order to be beautiful, we have to be thin. And yes, thank goodness there's a lot more body positivity around now, but it's still our subconscious hasn't caught up with that story.
SPEAKER_00I mean, I found the because I was starting to to pile on that, the the classic mid-riff weight, and it it wasn't actually just about how I was worrying about being perceived from the outside, it was actually how it made me feel physically. Right. And it was I actually felt uncomfortable. Yes, actually because it was new to me. And you know, I've always been I've been very lucky with with my um what's the word? You know, how you process food. What is the word? Metabolism. Metabolism! There it is. Talking about words that completely disappear. Um, great example. Um, yes, you know, I've always been lucky with that. But yeah, so for me, it was actually I feel uncomfortable when I'm sitting, um feeling uncomfortable, uh, moving, I'm feeling heavy. Yeah. Uh and actually, so it's and yes, it was also about that perception of oh no, I'm not gonna be as attractive anymore. Not that I need to be attractive to anyone, but you just still feel like you're supposed to be. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01You want to be attracted to yourself, you want to feel like yourself. Um, and so you know, again, we're bombarded with we should be doing this, we should be lifting, we should be walking, we should be eating protein, we should be eating five. And for someone who's in that state, it's overwhelmed. They all know what they should be doing. So it's basically when if they say that that's kind of the thing that's getting them down the most, it's kind of right, what is what little steps can we take to getting you into healthier habits, making healthier decisions? I'm not a nutritionist, I'm not a PT. Um, but I think sometimes when people feel so off with themselves that even making an appointment to see a PT or go to the gym can be really, really difficult. So I wouldn't sit there and go, right, you have to walk 10,000 steps, you have to lift heavy four times a week, you have to make sure you're taking in, like, I don't know, 130 grams of protein because that's just going to send someone right to the cupboard and eat the digestive.
SPEAKER_00It's also exhausting to hear that many things that you need to change about your life. And I think that's the fastest way to fail. Uh completely.
SPEAKER_01So it's literally, I've got a little notice on my desk here which says a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Yeah. And I basically help them take that first step and then the next one and then the next one. There's a lot of subconscious stuff that comes up when you're going through this process, partly because of the neural shifts. Yeah. Imposter syndrome starts to speak really, really loudly. Lots of issues potentially that you thought maybe you dealt with in the past can rear their ugly heads again.
SPEAKER_00Like what? What do you see with that?
SPEAKER_01Um insecurity, confidence issues, because again, that whole I mean, I guess that feeds into imposter syndrome, but you know, functioning at work, um that can be a major issue. Also, interestingly, and I guess it's because of the previous work I did in the birth world. One of the questions I always ask people was, how was your birth experience? If they have kids, obviously, how was your birth experience? Did you have postnatal depression? Because if they had postnatal depression, it is an indication that their brain is very sensitive to hormonal changes. Okay. And what happens after having a baby to the hormones is pretty much exactly the same thing. What happens to perimenopause. So after you've had a baby, the progesterone and estrogen drop in order to enable us to breastfeed, regardless of whether you choose to or not, the the function is still there. And also to bring in the oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone. And that's again changing our brain to make sure that we are hyper-focused on our child, that we can interpret their cries, those micro expressions, to make us a nurturer. Same thing is happening in perimenopause with the drop of progesterone and estrogen, although it's more gradual, but our brain is changing for a different purpose. So it's often quite useful to understand, to build a picture of what happened postnatally. Yeah. Because that can often sort of indicate how they're feeling about things perimenopausally. Right.
SPEAKER_00So they can they can track this in the same sort of way.
SPEAKER_01They can.
SPEAKER_00It's not like a given, but it's a but you might you might be more likely to spire a little that bit more in perimenopause if you did suffer from postnatal depression. Because your brain is already sufficient.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00That works that way. What what advice then would you give to somebody? Maybe there's someone listening right now that went, oh gosh, I went through postnatal depression. Is this does that mean I'm gonna have to, you know, go through a lot more? What should they be looking for?
SPEAKER_01You know your own body, you know when things are not right. And when someone has had depression of any sort, they are hyper-vigilant of wait, is that my depression or is that just a normal reaction?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, and sometimes it, you know, once if if they're on medication or whatever, or they've kind of dealt with it, they might not be to start off with, but there will be signs. Don't wait. You know, speak to someone, go to your doctor. We can get on top of it. These things are happening to us, and the power is in actually sort of getting in there and being able to, you know, whether you go down the HRT route or not, whether you sort of do use antidepressants or not, whether you're choosing to do it completely, kind of supplements or healthy foods or whatever, or not, it's understanding that that is gonna only take you so far. You have to do the work, you have to go through the process and put in the work to make you understand how your thoughts are working and recognize that the thoughts aren't reality, they're thoughts. And we can, once we're aware of that, we can make the changes.
SPEAKER_00What tips would you give to somebody who is going to go see their GP, they're worried they're not gonna get listened to? What do they what are there key markers the doctors are listening out for? Is it a case of sitting down? I mean, I've said this to friends, sit down and write a list of all the things that you are experiencing so you make sure you tell them everything that you need to. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01It can be really, really useful to keep track of the symptoms you're experiencing and for a period of time so that it's not just going to the doctors and saying, I've just been feeling a bit off. Yeah. You know, it's actually I've been this, this, this, this, this. I'm aware because I've been tracking it that it's been going on for this amount of time. Um, definitely do the preparation beforehand because at an NHS appointment, you get what, eight, 10 minutes? Yeah. Um, so being able to go in and say, this is what I'm experiencing, this is what I understand. So the um nice guidelines say that perimenopause does not need to be diagnosed on a blood test, it should be diagnosed by the symptoms that the woman is experiencing.
SPEAKER_00Because the blood test doesn't you'd need to have a blood test almost every single day. Right.
SPEAKER_01And in different points, all the markers are because the hormones are fluctuating. Yeah. So it's easier if you are 45 and over, because that's kind of an acceptable age to be in perimenopause. It's harder if you were under that, because in my experience, most women asked how old you are, oh, you're too young. Are you still having your pillars? That's what I was told. You're too young, which is just so many shades of wrong. I don't even know where to start.
SPEAKER_00It really is. And I've learned also that, and I'm sure that we're we're we're seeing a lot of women um now being diagnosed with ADHD at this age in their sort of mid-40s, well, 40s and beyond. And there is looking like there was a correlation between earlier peramenopause symptoms with women with ADHD, and you know, it's something that I've got to look into. I my symptoms did start at 38. That's when my symptoms started going out of whack. Yeah. Um, and again, I I was very lucky that my doctor did listen to me even at 42. She did tell me I was young. Um, and other doctors that have asked if I'm on media education for other reasons, and they've gone, oh, that's very young. You know, I mean I'm 46 now, so they they accept it. But before a number of different doctors said, Oh, you're very young. I'm like, I'm not. And I just wanted to scream at them, go, I'm not. I've had symptoms that were going out of whack, hair falling out, exhausted, the rage, the weird gums, the burning tongue sensation, the itchy. I mean, I have had the lot. Basically, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Exactly. So, you know, there, and I think there's probably a lot more women, you know, ADHD aside that are seeing those symptoms earlier.
SPEAKER_01The thing. It's we, you know, it used to be that perimenopause lasted five years. Now we're hearing it's kind of going 10, 12, 15. We can be symptomatic. Perimenopause doesn't mean menopause is one day. Actual menopause is one day, which is the day after it's been a year since your last bleed. People hear that word menopause and they automatically relate it to period stopping. Yeah. Well, periods might be the last thing on that list of symptoms. You can be experiencing the burning tongue, the phantom smells, the hot flushes, night sweats, and also understanding that you don't have to have everything in order to be in perimenopause. You know, one of the sort of the culprits is are you having hot flushes? No. Oh, well, then it's not perimenopause. Yes, yeah. On a study that I think Louise Newson, um her clinic conducted, hot flushes was was actually way, way down on the list of what people experienced.
SPEAKER_00Funnily enough, mine. So I remember having one very clear hot flush. Uh, this was years ago, and it was it was like a comedy, yeah, you know, with the red all the way up to the top. And I was like, holy moly, what's that? And you know, so and I and I was thinking, I couldn't, I don't really could say to to anyone, yes, I'm having hot flushes. I know I've had one, but now I'm at the point where it's four, five years later, and I I mean my last cycle was about seven months ago. And before that, it was about seven months, and I thought, oh, I'm nearly there, this is it, I can just say goodbye to them. And then, you know, one lurked and jumped in at the last minute. I was like, gosh, darn it. But now that I'm really in this kind of six, six, seven month window where it hasn't happened, now the flushes, if I forget to change my patch, which I often do regularly because brain fog, and then suddenly they are coming a lot now. So I maybe for some women, and obviously I think we're all very different, maybe they do start to come later when you're coming towards the end of things.
SPEAKER_01And you can, it's not, it doesn't mean that just because these are the symptoms you've experienced at the start, these are the only ones you'll experience. One thing I've noticed more recently, which I can't recall having, is intrusive thoughts, for example. Now, luckily, I know I know about intrusive thoughts, and I know their thoughts, and I know they're not real. It doesn't make them any less startling, but I don't, I don't let myself get hung up on them. I had anxiety, definitely. That was one of the major issues for me, but I don't remember so much having intrusive thoughts. You know, the kind of things where you're just like driving along and think, actually, I could drive straight into a tree right now. Yeah. Oh, where did that come from? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00No, I do know what I'd never connected that to to permenopause. I'd never really thought that that might be a thing. Uh, funnily enough, a colleague of mine, I remember her saying exactly that, that she had got to the point where she wanted to wrap her car around a tree and she'd just be driving along. And that was when she knew she had to really get some help.
SPEAKER_01It's so sad that women have to wait until it gets to that point. So, you know, going back to your earlier question, keep a record, ask the questions that you want to ask. Know that actually, even if you are under 45, don't get me wrong, a blood test can be useful to rule out anything else. So a lot of thyroid um issues can mimic perimenopause.
SPEAKER_00Yes, I had to have thyroid before thyroid testing before that.
SPEAKER_01But you know, if it's all coming back okay, then it perimenopause doesn't need to be proven. See what I mean? In the absence of anything else showing up on the blood test, it's de facto. And knowing that, and unfortunately, we shouldn't have to, but it's like that we need to do our research, we need to know and research the symptoms.
SPEAKER_00How many do you see registered these days? Is it are we at 30? I mean, how many different well?
SPEAKER_01Sometimes I read there's like 28, then I found that there was kind of 46, and then you know, basically there are a lot, and possibly some that aren't even you know acknowledged because everyone's going to react differently.
SPEAKER_00Talking with your friends, your family, your colleagues is and and looking online and listening to podcasts like this is some of the great ways to be able to discover that there are symptoms that you didn't even know were a symptom. And the gum thing was somebody else that told me and because I was going through, I was having Invisalign at the time, I just thought it was because my teeth were moving around. Yeah. And and a friend of mine, who's funnily enough the same age as me by by a month, and she said, Oh no, no, no, it's your gums, it's the swollen gums. Yeah. And I thought, oh God, I didn't even didn't even put that together.
SPEAKER_01And that's the thing as well. Don't just assume because you are young, because your baby is still in nappies, or you've got a toddler, or you're wanting to continue growing your family, that you're not in perimenopause. Yeah. The two things are not mutually exclusive. You know, you can be in perimenopause and get pregnant. Heck, if you had that day of menopause, the recommendation is still to use contraception. Yeah. Two years if you're before 50 and for a year after you're 50. So, you know, it's not mutually exclusive. And I think the more that message gets across that, you know, you don't have to be 60, you know, with grown-up children. We're actually helping ourselves by acknowledging that earlier, not getting to that stage where we feel like we're on our knees or wanting to wrap our uh cars around our knees. And unfortunately, you know, for some women, it gets so bad that they do. And that's not right.
SPEAKER_00It's not right, and there is support. I mean, obviously, there's people like you, yourself, that that can help support, but there is more happening now within the NHS, within your local GPs, and a lot more support that there wasn't around before. People call it the Davina effect as well, because she was so vocal. Um, but there's also been a bit of a negative bit of negativity around that. Some people say the divina effect in an in a in a negative way, and then, oh, bloom and egg, everyone now thinks they're in perimenopause. It's like, well, actually, maybe not.
SPEAKER_01And I I to pick up on that point, I think it in some ways, I mean, obviously, big companies, any company, are supposed to be much more menopause-aware. And it's almost, I know that for some people that I've spoken to, it almost feels as though the the Davina effect has kind of provided another hook for us to hang ourselves on to. You know, you know, oh yeah, don't mind her, she's just moody because she's in perimenopause. So it's moved on from, oh, you know, don't mind her, she's moody because it's the time of the month. Yeah. Um, and I think, and again, this is kind of where imposter syndrome comes into it. For a lot of women in high-powered industries, businesses, companies, they almost feel embarrassed by the fact that now the world and his wife know what the symptoms of perimenopause are and are kind of, oh, is that why she missed that meeting? Is she going really red in the face, you know? Yeah. Rather than just kind of being able to deal with it. So there, I mean, there are so many levels.
SPEAKER_00It's I know. It's interesting to see the commentary that you see on posts about perimenopause of the number, and it will be an older generation of women who are going, Oh gosh, why does everyone have to bang on about it? These we just got on with it, you know, we just, you know, we did we didn't have to talk about it with every tom de canary that came along. And, you know, I and I actually quite feel quite sorry for that generation. Um that maybe they did they, I don't know, maybe they could have had a happier time.
SPEAKER_01But it's also very different. You know, the generations before us haven't had the constant switched-onness that we've had and that we that not just we we grow up with, but certainly in our you know, since the internet came. I mean, God, it makes me sound so old that I remember when the internet oh yeah, those names.
SPEAKER_00I remember hearing about it. Emails like that.
SPEAKER_01You know, my children laugh at us because we talk about how we used to be on the phone, you know, you have the really long chords and you used to kind of drag the phone and hide into it, speaking, speaking in it on it in your bedroom. But if somebody else was on the phone, or if your parents said that's enough now, that was it. Computers, you know. I remember going into the office and turning my computer on, and whilst it did the whole warm-up thing, yeah, I'd go make myself a cup of tea, I'd kind of go through some items of post, it would be a gradual kind of ease into being into work.
SPEAKER_00Whereas everything now is instant, instant, instant. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know, and we we don't help ourselves. The fact that we are literally switched on, connected 24-7.
SPEAKER_00But the flip side, of course, is that because we are connected, this conversation can now be in the palm of your hand and it can be in our earphones. And you you know, my I remember my mum saying, Oh, she didn't really feel like she went through that much with the with the menopause. But I wonder, did she even know that a lot of the things that maybe she was going through were actually symptomatic? And the yes, the the sore knees and the ligament aches and all the things we've mentioned already, perhaps she just I don't know, just ignored them, just didn't know what they were.
SPEAKER_01Just didn't just weren't connected, whereas now we know. No, you're right, you're right. But it's also knowing that yes, we know that stuff, but actually we also need to know when we can disconnect.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_01When we we do not need to be scrolling on. I mean, listen, I'm as guilty as the next one. So guilty over here, yeah. But I know the difference when I've been scrolling literally as I'm turning out the light, and when I kind of make a concerted effort, right? After nine o'clock, I don't look at my phone. My children are here, my husband is here. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Oh, being present, absolutely so it's something that I uh it's a work in progress at the moment, and I did get called out on it by my 14-year-old recently, and just oh, you're always on your phone, and you know, and I'm like, Oh, well, you know, a lot of my work's on it, and that is true, but I need to start going, okay. Um, I am going to consciously now do an hour of work on my phone and then I put it down. I need to start on a day out, and I always think, Oh, I need my phone because I want to take pictures, and I take a camera. Yeah, I'm gonna I am going to my husband will have his phone because I always get the fear I think, what if something happens and I need to call someone? It's an emergency. I've got 10 excuses for why I need to have my phone in the palm of my hand all the time. Exactly. And I don't and I don't need it, and I need to start working on that and being more present and enjoying that loveliness around me.
SPEAKER_01That's a lot of the work that I do with clients. It's it's okay, yes, fine. You have a really, really busy job. Yes, absolutely, you need that element of contactability, but you also have a right to spend that time with your children, to spend that time. And if we if we time window things, then it makes it it creates kind of systems that it's easier for us to access.
SPEAKER_00Well, this is it. I mean, 20 years ago, you left your job at five o'clock in the evening or six o'clock, and you didn't go back into work mode until nine o'clock the next morning. We are accessible by our our colleagues, our bosses on email all the time. And yeah, and you know, you get in, you're like, oh, I'm just gonna have to go and deal with this. It's like we have to get better at going, we don't have to fix everything at every moment of every day when we're outside of work.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely, and how it impacts on our nervous system. So obviously, taking HRT or something, you know, I am a huge fan of HRT, I'm not gonna deny it, but um it will help with a lot of those sort of physical symptoms, such as the the hot flats, flashes, the night sweats, it doesn't change your cortisol levels. So because of the lifestyle that we lead, because of the way that our oestrogen, which was a great cortisol regulator, has dropped, our nervous systems are are on ranging from sort of a low to high level of alert all the time. And it's understanding that HRT can do a lot, but we have to be the ones that tackle that nervous system and actually retrain our nervous system to just we're not gonna be eaten by that saber-toothed tiger.
SPEAKER_00I was just about to say we're living in fight or flight all the time, and I you know it's no great danger that's around us all the time, but there's enough that is peaking that cortisol that is making our body feel it can't be healthy for us. It can't be good to have that amount of cortisol happening all the time. It's not because we're not designed to live in fight or flight the whole time. So it's funny, I remember when we were younger, like you'd you'd see that slightly older woman maybe become going into suddenly they're into meditation and suddenly they're into crystals and they're into all of these things. And now I'm in that zone of like, oh I get that's why I get it. I totally get it. Yes, I want to go to a breathwork class, and and yes, I want to go to a gong bath and a sound bath and all those things because I really do need to help try and calm that nervousness.
SPEAKER_01And it's appreciating that those and that time is as important as scheduling this meeting with that client or you know, that interview in your case, or sh you know, it is important because we're the only no one else is going to give us permission.
SPEAKER_00We're the only one that gives us permission. I could talk about this for a three-hour podcast, but we will have to move on. So I do want you to just if there's one thing that you wish that every woman could know, what would what would that be in regards to perimenopause and menopause?
SPEAKER_01You are not broken, and you can get on top of this. You know, this is actually an opportunity. Well, it makes me cry. Oh yeah. Um but I think we spent so long seeing it as a As as a a sign of of fading of of less than, and actually, this is your opportunity to step into your power, your awesomeness. It's an invitation, and I just wish that all women could see it as yes, it could sometimes be a journey to get there. It can seem that it's kind of several steps forward and several steps back, but actually, you know, it's exciting. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You're not broken, you're evolving. Yes. Perfect. Now I've got goosebumps. So uh Danny, the the 40 Plus Life podcast has the tagline, uh, taking on midlife with style. What does style mean to you at this stage in your life?
SPEAKER_01So I think I was thinking about that because listening to some of the early episodes. Um, that is a really good question. Certainly, personally speaking, I think I'm in a bit of a flux as far as my own personal style is concerned. Um, in the sense that I'm still figuring out what works on this this body, this hair. It's different body from you know what it was. And it's it's sort of yeah, it's it's figuring out what works and what doesn't work. And I think it's also to do with the fact that I think for too long I almost tried to fit in, and I kind of want to experiment more with colour, wearing a red t-shirt today. It's great on you. So it's it's still very much in its infancy. It's a bit like feels a bit like you know, newborn deer just kind of trying this out and you know, falling flat on my face, whatever. But I'm also okay with that. It's because of the fact that it's actually it's okay to experiment, it's okay to try, and actually, it's a good lesson to me as well to kind of push myself out of my comfort zone as far as and even in you're you're in your 50s, aren't you?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and even in our 50s, we can still experiment and we can still try and find that that real you or the new you at this stage of life. So we're talking about we're evolving.
SPEAKER_01And I think it was because when I had my my baby, so I've got twins who are now 23, and my baby just turned. I call her my baby. Oh yeah, she's 21, she's technically not a baby. Yeah, um, when they came along, I did have post-natal depression, and my thing was very much kind of put on the face, put on the clothes, nobody needs to know. So it was all about wearing a mask. Yeah, and I think now it's about actually it's not wearing a mask, it's just kind of experimenting with what feels nice to me, what makes me for me feel good, not for anybody else's benefit or because I'm pretending. So it's a process that I'm going through right now.
SPEAKER_00And again, that harks back to what we're saying about the you start to not care as much about what other people around you are thinking, you're doing what's right for you. And if that means that you start wearing colour or you, I don't know, start wearing a uniform that's I don't mean an actual uniform, I mean like you're maybe you start to just wear the same thing all the time. You know, there's so many things that you suddenly get to and go, actually, I need to simplify. Or, oh, I always wanted to be the person that turned up in the the polka dot silver skirt. I'm gonna do it because I don't care anymore.
SPEAKER_01And what people think. Trying to move away from jeans. I have so many pairs of jeans, and I love jeans. I'm wearing jeans right now. Exactly. Um, but to think there are other items of clothing available, so yes, it's quite nice to try those as well.
SPEAKER_00Trying something different and again, not wearing what you think everyone else is telling you you should be wearing at this age. It's interesting actually, just as a side note, the look between the the 40-year-old and the 60-year-old, it's all becoming quite similar. You know, my my mum will go, oh, that's nice, and then she'll get one too. Yeah, I think there was a time, you know, my granny would have never bought the same outfit as my mum when they were 40 and 80 or whatever the age difference was. So it's interesting that really is starting to starting to change. And we're seeing now, I've got this theory that with like the Gen Z that you know, you see these posts about how Gen Z what they they have to have the middle parting, not the side parting. They have to do the over-the-shoulder bag, not the crossbody bag. That all of these things, and I think it's because our fashion is now becoming so similar for different age groups that they are having to find anything they can to look different because mom's also wearing barrel leg jeans, and so are they.
SPEAKER_01So they've got to do something that's making like but what I actually love about the fact that my children are like they're all girls, that the fact that they're older now is that we actually have communal wardrobes. Yeah, you know, they'll wear my shoes, I'll wear one of their necklaces. And my youngest has told me, she's promised she's never gonna repeat it, but she has told me that she thinks I'm actually quite a cool mum. So I'm taking that. I'll bet you wish you'd got it on record. I do. Well, they kind of have. I'm like saying she said it, but obviously I'm saying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we'll work. We'll we'll done with that. We'll go with that.
SPEAKER_00Whenever they do a compliment like that, I almost I almost go very still. Don't react. Don't react. Just take in the moment. Take it exactly. Run, just move on. No, it happened. Now we'll do a little round of this or that. So, are you an early bird or an IT owl? Early bird. Beach holiday or mountain retreat. Oh, that's a new one. You've said beach holiday or something. I have said beach holiday before. I threw in a different place. Happen in the woods, mountain retreat can be that sort of thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think maybe there's sort of the the mountain mountain retreat, if it's just me, if it's with partner, I think um beach holiday. Well, beach for him as long as I can sit by a pool because sand just gets everywhere. Are you a summer or a winter? Winter. You like is it the coziness? Yeah. Do you like to cook at home or eat out? I like to eat out partly because somebody else has made the food, and I what is with this having to think about what to make and cook every single night?
SPEAKER_00Yes. Exhausting, isn't it? I saw this really funny post about basically it's just a cycle of mints or chicken. What are you gonna do with the chicken today? What are you doing with the mints today? I thought, oh no, I've really got to start to shake it. Basically, so yeah, eat out because I'm not having to cook. Hot bath or cold plunge? Hot bath. Silence or your favourite playlist? Am I allowed to say audiobook? I know that was a course, but yeah, audiobook. Are you someone who will ask for help or figure it out yourself? If it's technology, I will ask for help.
SPEAKER_01The rest of the time I like to try and figure it out myself. Meditation or journaling? Meditation.
SPEAKER_00A long walk or a gym workout? Am I allowed to do both? I do both. Okay, you've got to choose one today to do today. We'll do it that way. Um a long walk. A Netflix night in or dinner with friends? I thought this would be easier to answer.
SPEAKER_01Can I have a night in whilst watching with friends whilst watching Netflix?
SPEAKER_00Yes, you can. You can. And what would you be what would you be watching? Off campus. I've only done one episode so far. It's it's quite naughty, isn't it? I thought it was a teen drama. There's full-blown in the first episode. You wait. Does it get bad? Oh my god. Not one to watch with my daughter. Definitely. Uh my eldest daughter. Um, okay, and we'll finish off with are you a planner or do you go with the flow?
SPEAKER_01I like to think I'm a planner, but in reality, I I go with the flow. I think I'm quite happy to follow some, like if we're going on holiday, my husband is really into kind of making itineraries. So I'm quite happy to go with that. Maybe I'm doing with it if someone else has planned it. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like making plans because I get all kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think I do secretly like there to be a little bit of scheduling, just as long as I haven't been the one to do it.
SPEAKER_00I find the I find the admin of planning quite stressful.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I get really, I just get that kind of block where I'll I'll start to plan and then I can't do anything after that. It's the overwhelm. Yes, absolutely. It is like an overwhelm, isn't it? So finally, Danny, what if you had a recommendation to leave our listener? What would it, what would it be? It could be anything that you're loving right now, something that you'd go, oh, you know what? You need to do this or watch this.
SPEAKER_01Well, I mean, I've already referred to it, but I think every midlife woman needs to talk to us planthers. I'm gonna come across as such a planet. And believe me, I have been through the whole, like when you kind of the characters, the the boys in it as opposed to university age. So then there's that whole guilt thing, like that's disgusting. I should be ashamed of myself. Then you Google the actor's actual age and find out that it's okay in my 20s.
SPEAKER_00It's still not because I'm still technically old enough to be his mother. Do you do? I think it harks back again to what we were talking about earlier. You know, when I said about there's there's almost like a grieving process at this age, and we still remember it so well being 18 and 20, and those first loves, it's so it feels so close that you could touch it.
SPEAKER_01But I think 25 years ago, wonderful about the programme, and as you continue to watch it, it's on Amazon Prime, by the way, not Netflix. But as you continue to watch it, you'll you'll see more of it. What I love about it is that it's written by a woman, and the relationships in it, whether it's the male friendships, the female friendships, the rel the sort of boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, they're so exactly what you would want relationships to be.
SPEAKER_00And it's very do you feel like it's really promoting healthy relationships to teenagers?
SPEAKER_01I mean, there's some sort of darker topics in it as well, but I think it's just such a so much crap in the world, and there's so much hideousness that it's something that is so easy to get yourself lost in, and also just the you know, they say what you would want a would have wanted a boy to have said at that age, right? You know, the the the the the two female best friends in it are literally each other's ride or die, yeah. And it's just it's quite wholesome. You kind of want your children to watch it if it was without sex.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think because we grew of course, this is a whole other episode, I think, but I feel like what we grew up with it was always the girls could never stay ride or dies. Yes. They always there always had to be a fallout, and it was usually over a boy. Yeah. So it was Kelly and Brenda in 90210. You know, they could never just be best friends, it had to be girl against girl. Yes. And I think if you look at so many of the shows that we grew up on, that's what we were being pushed. And it's what we then saw in the in the media. It was it was women pitted against women.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it's it's not like that. And equally with boys, you know, they're supposed they're they're ice hockey players, so they're supposed to be like, you know, American do joks. Yeah, they're really nice, and they've got they've also got uh a real kind of like family environment between that. I mean, like I've gotten WhatsApp groups with friends about this program. It seriously upsets me.
SPEAKER_00It's so funny. I'm seeing so much content about this about women, the 40-50. I'm completely obsessed with it. Brilliant. It's hysterical. Well, there we go. That is your recommendation, and uh, and I and I'm here for it. So I've done one episode. I will go ahead and and watch the rest. When you finish the rest, you have to let me know what you will. I will, I will, I will. Danny, it's been such a good chat. I I feel like we've only just scratched that that's sort of the top of is it the top of the iceberg? The tip of the iceberg? Do you can you scratch the top of the iceberg? Scratch the surface, yeah. Scratch the surface when you would lie. Menopause brain. Uh scratch the tip of the iceberg, blumineck. I know we could have talked for we could do 10-10 episodes on this. So thank you so much. And if if anyone wants to find out more about you, they can head to your website. Is that the best place?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, or Instagram, Danny Diosi Coaching.
SPEAKER_00I'm gonna put all the links and clicks and all of that below the show notes on this. Danny, it's been an absolute pleasure, and thank you for listening. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do rate, subscribe, give it a five star. If you felt like it was five star worthy, I would very much appreciate it because it helps this podcast get found. And we want lots of other women to be able to find these conversations because they're so important. Danny, thanks again. Thank you. Take care, bye-bye.