Glimmers

A delayed guest episode turns into something unexpected.

Between forgotten keys, a packed bar, awkward pedicure conversations, shirtless selfies, fresh flowers, and a long list of adult responsibilities, this episode explores the small moments that make life feel a little lighter.

A conversation about being seen, finding joy where you can, and learning to appreciate the glimmers that show up when you're paying attention.

Because sometimes the best stories aren't the ones that were planned.

Happy Pride, y'all. 🌈

If this episode felt familiar in any way—like your mind, your room, your routines, or your quiet—you’re not alone in it.

You can reach out anytime at 7amkingsil@gmail.com or on Instagram @abstract_catalyst. Messages don’t need to be perfect. They don’t need to be important. They just need to be yours.

Everything sent gets read. Even if it takes time to sit with it.

And wherever you are right now—whether you’re moving fast, standing still, or somewhere in between—you don’t have to force clarity out of it today.

Just keep going gently.

Even if it’s messy.

Even if it’s uncertain.

Even if you’re scared.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:14

So this wasn't supposed to be the episode I actually had plans guest plans for Pride Month. Unfortunately, my guest is under the weather right now, so we're pushing things back a bit. Hopefully just another week, because I'm genuinely excited for that conversation, and honestly, a few more after that if the universe tilts in my favor. I'd really like to bring more people in this space, more queer voices, more of their stories and perspectives. I'm gonna keep trying. We'll see where I land. But the bright side is you still get me, and that's something to look forward to, right? I kind of love these episodes too, because sometimes it feels like a podcast. And other times it doesn't. It's more like we're just hanging out and I'm ranting, which if you've made it this far, apparently you're okay with, so thank you for that. Hi and welcome back to Even If You're Scared where we are all still figuring things out a little bit at a time. I'm still and lately I've been realizing I thought I'd have more answers by now. Not all of them, just more. I genuinely thought I'd understand money better well now. I definitely thought I'd be better with my time. Alright, quick story. So today was finally my day off, a real day off. I didn't have a shift, I didn't set any alarms, and I had no reason to put on real pants until later. And that was even a hard maybe, like maybe I had to put on pants later. And somehow I found myself out of the house by 8 30 in the morning. I had a whole list of things I wanted to get done, productive and responsible things, things I've been putting off. My laptop battery has needed to be replaced since last year. But you know what happened with all that. Life happened and kept happening, and honestly, it's still happening, but I can't keep carrying this heavy ass charging block around with my laptop. It works perfectly fine as long as it's plugged in, but I can't keep being chained to a table, you know? You know when something is broken but it still works just enough to keep for you to keep telling yourself you'll deal with it tomorrow. Well today was tomorrow. Today was the day and I finally shipped it off. I feel like I deserve a reward for doing that. But I guess I'll take the satisfaction of a job well done. That and well a working laptop. Adulting responsibility growth. Look at me. I'm getting away with this story. Before I even made it out the door, I'm gathering my stuff together, looking for my wallet, checking for my phone, looking for my keys, and I reach into my jeans I wore last night. The jeans I'd carefully thrown onto the floor after getting home sometime after two in the morning. I pull out keys which as I'm pulling them out, I knew they weren't mine. Like you sort of learn the feel of your keys and the weight in your hand and the sound they make. You commit that stuff to memory naturally. Anyway, not my keys of course, but the only set of registered keys for the bar where I have a residency. If this were a video podcast, at this moment is where I would probably insert like some sort of dramatic face palm. So naturally my my productive day starts with a surprise trip to work. And I told myself I was not going to go to work today. I was gonna stay away, just and do what I had to do, because almost every day off I find myself at work. So of course, the whole way there, I'm telling myself, I'm just gonna drop off the keys, in it out, five minutes. I'll make a coffee and leave. And then technically, well, that's exactly what happened. I made myself a coffee, I talked to a few people, I answered a question, I checked on something, I talked about cocktails, I talked about life, and then I left. Only an hour later. Adulthood. You leave the house to do one thing, life hands you three more, and suddenly the entire day rearranges itself. The next error was a little bit more personal. One of those adult responsibilities nobody really talks about. I took a misstep one night and I had to correct it. But damn was it tough. It sort of forced me to walk down memory lane. Or in my case, it forced me to drive down a two-lane parkway towards a pass it wasn't far enough in a pass for me to be to not be affected. I wanted to do it and then I didn't. I think that makes sense. I don't I don't know. But either way it was handled. There was a minor obstacle in the middle, just trying to get it done, because apparently every errand today needed its own storyline. But after that, I was back on my way, like I was back on the way doing everything that I needed to do. A couple of returns, a new facial toner, uh fresh flowers for my altars. I renewed my warehouse membership because I somehow managed to run out of both bottled water and paper towels at the same time, and didn't realize it until my membership expired. Either way, I checked all of that off for another year, and by the end of it, I had actually been pretty productive. It was a really productive day, successful and responsible, all the grown-up words. We did it. Um, it just took fucking forever, not to mention carrying, like, I had to carry all that stuff up to my apartment, and I had to double park, and I live on like a one-sided parking street in Brooklyn, so it was a mess. And it it just took way too much time. Actually, wait, no, I forgot one step. In the middle of all these errands, I stopped for a pedicure because self-care, yes, but also trust me, it was time. Like, you know, have you ever had like has your pinky toe ever like rubbed up against the side of your shoe until it becomes so painful that like you're just it anyway, sorry yeah, it was time. And I go in there and they sit me next to this older woman who was just not thrilled about my present presence. Immediately she starts talking, not to me, just genuinely into the universe, just loud enough for me to hear, and she's talking about how nail spas aren't for men, and how men should only be there to be to accompany their wives, and how that man should move. And I'm and the funny part, I'm just looking around and just trying to figure out who she's talking about, and I swear to God, I'm scanning this room trying to be subtle, and I'm thinking, damn, who upset this woman? And then I'm like, Oh, oh, she's talking about me, and internally I'm just like, oh shit, because that's still a weird experience for me sometimes. Like, passing is weird, it's affirming, complicated, funny, uncomfortable sometimes, convenient, awkward, all these things at the same time sometimes. And I don't think I fully figured out how I feel about it, because there are moments where it's feels really good, and then there's moments where like a younger me would have been like, hell yeah, over the moon, like you know. But then there's moments where I become aware of all the assumptions that people are making about me and the boxes they're placing me in, and the things that they think they know, and suddenly it gets more complicated. Honestly, it's probably an entire episode by itself. Like, we should call it the pros and cons of passing. And I'll say thank you for coming to my TED Talk, but TED is trans experience discussions. I don't know, we'll workshop the title. Anyway, let it I let it be. I didn't say anything. A part of me really wanted to, but I didn't. I got my toes done, they look really good, and somewhere between all of that, all I could think about was getting home and taking my clothes off. Just relax, not in a sexy way, I just wanted to exist. Being shirtless, it's different for me these days. And I st and it still catches me off guard sometimes, not only because it's still new to me, but because there's a version of me that wanted this so badly, and now sometimes I'll walk past the mirror and catch myself off guard and think, Oh, this is what freedom feels like. And that feeling never really gets old. And I think that feeling, that little moment of recognition has been showing up more lately, not just in mirrors, but in other places too, like work behind the bar. Yesterday we opened f uh the speakeasy for game one, Nick's versus Spurs. I wasn't expecting much. I told I told people during the day that we'd be open, and a lot of people said that they would come through, but you know how it goes, people say stuff to avoid potential letdowns, so I was just like, okay, you know, if they come, you know, they come, but I wasn't expecting much. But then suddenly the place is packed, like actually packed. Everything was like moving nonstop, which is how I prefer it always, because there's more opportunities, there's more rapport-building opportunities, and like repeat visitors, and it's it's just it's just I remember thinking behind the bar, I'm sitting there and I'm moving fast, and I remember thinking like I know what I'm doing here. There's no fake confidence. I was feeling myself for sure. I just I know this. I know how to read a room, I know how to build a vibe, I know how to take care of people without making it feel like work for them or for me. It felt good, it felt really good. People love the drinks, people love the energy, people love the space. Even the apron got compliments, which I didn't expect at all, but um it was a perfect level of like booze and trash talk in the air, and I loved it. And it m I made pretty good tips too, which is always a nice bonus. But the thing that stuck with me most wasn't even the money, it was a compliment that I got from my coworker. He complimented my flair behind the bar, and that hit different a little bit because I compliment his baking all the time, and like they never get to see me in action, so it was really nice to be recognized in an element that you're really excited about. And then this week I posted a shirtless photo which felt bigger than I expected to, not because of the photo itself, but because of what it meant for me. For a long time, I've like being seen felt complicated. Sometimes like something I had to brace myself for or something. I was scared. So I posted it anyway. And immediately before I realized what I was doing, I th I I was holding my breath, like waiting for negative reactions, waiting for negative like make waiting for like the negative shoe to drop. But then it didn't it didn't happen. People were kind, really kind and supportive and encouraging. They were just good and I don't know if I have a better word for it than that. It was just it was just good. It felt like I got to show up fully and not be punished for it, which is something I don't take lightly. Hell, even my boss saw it, which I was surprised by, but sh how should I have been? Like he follows me on Instagram, so I I but I was surprised. And not because he was unkind, you know, like there's a default expectation sometimes, especially from straight cis men. But he was just he said I looked great, and it was really sweet, and I think I sat with that more than I expected because I wasn't it wasn't just like a compliment. It was a reminder that not every expectation I carry is actually real anymore. Some of them are just leftovers from older versions of myself, and lately I've been noticing more of those glimmers, little moments where I feel seen, not for survival or explanation, just seen and I think that's part of what has been making me smile more lately. Because it hasn't all been heavy. There have been really good moments too, small and unexpected, like that night behind the bar, when everything just clicked, or even just the feeling of being in my body and not fighting for it once. It's that's that one's new for me. And I don't I don't take it for granted. That's something I've been learning heavily like recently, that life doesn't have to be all one thing at a time. It can be grief and joy, work and softness, fear and confidence, all in the same day sometimes too, and somehow you still you still keep moving. I've been noticing those little moments more, not to sound dramatic, just human really, like because when things get loud in life, when you're constantly moving, working, processing, feeling, trying to keep up with yourself, you start learning how to recognize the small things that tell you, hey, you're okay right now. And I didn't always know how to do that. I think I used to measure my life in big moments, just the big ones, like big changes, big losses, big wins, and now it's smaller things, a good night behind the bar, a conversation that feels easy, a moment in your body where you don't feel like you're fighting for it, or it's not yours. A reaction to something you were scared to share that turns out to be awesome. Those feel like wins now, and that's been changing how I see myself. I spent a long time waiting to become someone I could fully recognize, and maybe I already am, just in smaller pieces than I expected. That's part of what pride has started to mean to me. Not just big celebration, not just the flags and the music and the parties, but quieter but the quieter things underneath it, the recognition, the oh I see you and yourself and other people and community. I didn't always have that, not consistently, but I think I'm starting to. And that makes me think about my first pride again when I didn't even really have a language for what I was feeling yet. Just this sense of breathing differently for the first time, like something in me finally unclenched. So yeah, I guess that's where my head has been today. Less about figuring everything out, more about noticing when I'm already okay, and realizing I don't have to earn that feeling. It can just happen, and it can just stay there for a second. Anyway, I think that that's enough honesty for today. It hasn't been heavy or anything. We've just been here for a minute. And if you're listening right now, I don't really know what that says about you, but I appreciate it a lot because these episodes always feel a little like I'm just thinking out loud, and somehow you're still here with me, which is kind of wild. And listen, I know I joke, but I really do mean this. You still get me. Even when I'm rambling or overthinking, even when I say I'm going to be briefed and that turns out to be a lie, you're still here. And I kinda love that for us. Also, it's Pride Munch, which means this is just the beginning of a lot more conversations like this. More stories, more people, more softness, more chaos. Probably more of me oversharing. But I'm excited about it. Even if I don't fully know what it's gonna look like yet. We're figuring it out together. So yeah, thank you for being here. For real, for listening, for sticking around, for letting this be what it is. And if you liked what you heard today, hit me up. Seriously, send me a message, send me a DM, tell me what made you laugh, tell me what you're figuring out, tell me what you're scared of. I'd love to hear from you. You can find me at on Instagram at abstract underscore catalyst, or shoot me an email at the number 7amkingsill at gmail.com. And yes, I actually read my messages, so don't be shy. Come say hello, and I'll talk to you soon, or I'll see you on the next one. Same thing. Um, this is even if you're scared. Happy Pride, y'all. And just be easy on yourself this week.