"Behind"

Nobody has life figured out.

Growth isn't linear. Confidence isn't constant. The people who seem to have all the answers are often asking the same questions everyone else is.

A conversation about comparison, changing direction, starting over, and learning to become comfortable with not knowing everything.

If this episode felt familiar in any way—like your mind, your room, your routines, or your quiet—you’re not alone in it.

You can reach out anytime at 7amkingsil@gmail.com or on Instagram @abstract_catalyst. Messages don’t need to be perfect. They don’t need to be important. They just need to be yours.

Everything sent gets read. Even if it takes time to sit with it.

And wherever you are right now—whether you’re moving fast, standing still, or somewhere in between—you don’t have to force clarity out of it today.

Just keep going gently.

Even if it’s messy.

Even if it’s uncertain.

Even if you’re scared.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:15

I think one of the weirdest things about being an adult is realizing that nobody actually knows what they're doing. Like nobody. I don't mean that in a negative way. I don't mean that everybody is lost and everything is falling apart. I mean that the person you look at and think, wow, they really have their shit together is probably somewhere having a completely different internal conversation. They're probably questioning something or worried about something or sitting there thinking about something they said three days ago that nobody else remembers or even heard. And I think we forget that because we only ever see the outside of people's lives. We see the finished product, like the promotion, the relationship, we see the vacation photos, we see the announcement, we see the I'm proud of myself post. But we don't see the ten conversations they've had with themselves before they got there. We don't see the doubt or the fear or the ten dozen other photos they've taken before they decided to post the one. We don't see the moments where they almost didn't do anything at all. And I think sometimes that's the part that gets me because we're all walking around comparing our behind the scenes footage to someone else's highlighted reel. We know people don't post the moments where they're sitting on their couch eating cereal for dinner because they just couldn't be bothered to make something or just didn't have the energy. But somehow we still look at someone else's life and think, damn, what am I doing wrong? And maybe the answer is nothing. You're just a person. Maybe you're just somewhere in the middle of your story. I actually think that that's where most of us are. Hi, and welcome back to Even If You're Scared, I'm Sill. Now, full disclosure, I've had time to sit with this. This isn't raw rambling thoughts like I gave you last week. I actually struggle quite a bit. I almost didn't even record because I'm not gonna lie, life is really hard right now. It's hard in so many ways, and I look around and I see other people seemingly thriving, and I get so frustrated, like what the hell am I doing wrong? So today's episode is going to be talking about something I've actually been thinking about a lot. It's the pressure we all carry to feel like we're supposed to have everything figured out. Like at some point there's supposed to be this moment where everything clicks. I know I'll be listening for it. That euphoric automatopoeia, you wake up and suddenly you know exactly what you're doing. You know that career path you're on, you know what relationships are right for you, you know how to handle every situation, you know how to make the perfect decision every single time. And I don't know about you, but I'm still waiting for that day. I don't know if that day exists. In fact, I know it doesn't. I know I'll never have all the answers, but it's a nice thought. I think for a lot of people, life is just a series of figuring it out as you go. There's something really kind of liberating about admitting that, because if nobody really has it all figured out, then maybe we can stop being so hard on ourselves for not having all the answers. So today I want to talk about that. The pressure to have it together, the weirdness of being a person, the moments where you look around and think, Am I the only one who feels like this? Because I promise you you're not. I think one of the biggest lies we're sold is eventually we become the finished version of ourselves. Like there's a final form, like one day you're going to wake up and think, okay, I made it. This is who I am now. And that shit don't happen. At least it hasn't happened for me. To be really real, I hope it doesn't. Because I think if we were actually finished, that would be kind of boring, no? I think we're supposed to change. I think we're supposed to learn things and we're supposed to have moments where we look back and go, wow, I can't believe I used to think that way. Or even, wow, I can't believe I accepted that. Because that's part of growing. We put so much pressure on ourselves to already be the person we're trying to become, and that's impossible. You can't be at the finish line while you're still running the race. And I know that sounds like one of those cheesy motivational things people put on a fucking coffee mug or shirt, but I actually think it's true. We're constantly judging ourselves for not being somewhere we haven't reached yet. Isn't that exhausting? One thing I know is that I've spent a lot of time being the person who figures things out, the person who handles things, the person you call when something needs to get done. And there's good parts to that. I'm proud of that part of myself. I think being capable is a good thing. I think being someone people can rely on is also a good thing. There's also a weird side effect to always being that person. Sometimes you forget that you're allowed to not know. You forget you're allowed to need help. You forget that everybody else is also figuring things out because when people see you as the strong one, sometimes you start feeling like you have to maintain that. I know I do. Like I'm not allowed to have a moment where I'm confused or scared, a moment where I say, I actually have no idea what I'm doing right now. The truth is everyone has these moments. Some people are just better at hiding them, and we don't talk about it enough. How much energy people spend pretending they're okay. There are so many things about adulthood that nobody prepares you for. Nobody tells you that half of being an adult is Googling things. Well, Googling things and paying bills. That's it. That's the secret. Everyone is just searching things. How long is this chicken good for in the fridge? Am I supposed to do this with my taxes? Why is my plant dying? Is this noise for my car expensive? Everyone is just hoping the answer they find is the right one. I think that's kind of funny because when we're younger, we assume adults know everything. You think your parents have all the answers or your teachers have all the answers. Older people just understand life better. Then you become that age and you realize, oh wait, nobody told me anything. And everybody else is just as confused as you are. I also think we've somehow convinced ourselves that asking for help is a giant admission that we failed. Like somewhere along the way we decided that if we don't already know how to do something, we've somehow fallen behind. And I don't know who came up with that, but I really like to have a conversation with them because it makes absolutely no sense. Think about literally anything you've ever gotten good at. Driving, cooking, your career, being a parent, being a partner, being a friend. Sometimes you learn because somebody taught you. Sometimes you learn because you made a mistake or many mistakes. Sometimes you learn because life backs you into a corner and said, figure it out. And somehow we give ourselves permission to be beginners at hobbies. You'll pick up a guitar and be like, yeah, of course I'm terrible. I just started. You'll go to the gym for the first time and think, well, everybody had a first day. But when it comes to life, nah. We're supposed to already know. We're supposed to already have healthy boundaries. We're supposed to know how to communicate and process grief and love people and love ourselves. And if we don't, we beat ourselves up for it. That doesn't make any sense. I think another thing we don't talk about enough is how many versions of ourselves we outgrow. I remember being younger and thinking there were certain things I'd always care about, certain people I'd always keep around, certain dreams I thought I'd never let go of. When I was growing up, I used to tell myself for years I'm going to play pro basketball and play next to Lisa Leslie on the sparks. I knew it, I could feel it. I was good at it, I was good at basketball, I was good at school, and you couldn't tell me that that wasn't my future. And then life happened. You know I haven't thought about that kid for years. You see, you have experiences, people disappoint you, you disappoint yourself. You heal from things you thought would break you forever. You change your mind, you realize that something you wanted at twenty isn't necessarily something you want now. Or maybe it still is, but your reasons are different. I don't think changing your mind means you don't know who you are. I actually think it's proof that you're paying attention. I would be way more concerned if I was the exact same person I was ten years ago. I hope I never stop changing. I hope I never get so comfortable with who I am that I stop asking questions. And you know what's been making me laugh? The amount of confidence and audacity people have while being completely wrong. I love it. I it goes it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase fake it till you make it. I aspire to have that level of delusion sometimes. People will say something with their whole chest, no hesitation, no uncertainty, just loud and wrong. Meanwhile, I'll know something for a fact and still be like, I mean, I could be wrong. What is that? Why are people with the least amount of information always the most confident? And the people who are actually trying to learn are constantly questioning themselves. It's fucking weird. It's wild because also like I get it, I get it. It's it's really weird. I get it, truly. Maybe confidence isn't knowing you have all the answers, maybe it's being okay with saying I don't know. Because I don't know leaves room to grow. I know everything doesn't. We also spend a ridiculous amount of time believing everyone is paying attention to us, like an embarrassing amount. You ever replay a conversation in your head for like three days, you accidentally say the wrong word, or you trip over your own feet, or you wave back at someone who isn't waving at you. Yo, I do the I do that frequently, by the way. Um, or you send a text to the wrong person and you think about it forever. Meanwhile, the other person forgot it happened before they even got home. I know when someone pisses me off and the moment I'm like, Sil, don't do it, just breathe, and I take a moment and I breathe. Later on, I often find myself having the conversation I wanted to have in my head or even out loud in my shower or my living room or whatever. Sometimes my mind goes back there to try to find closure for myself so I can get over it. And sometimes I just have to come to accept that I'll never get the closure and move on. Because spending my days regretting choices that I've made takes precious time away from new choices. We're all the main character in our own lives. Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are. Unless you're my beloved, I hope. But I don't mean that in a mean way. I actually think that's less pressure. Go apply for that job you've been thinking about. Go take the class, go start the podcast. It's funny but not so funny because I almost talked myself out of recording this episode. I kept thinking nobody wants to hear me talk about this. Then I started asking myself why I felt like I had to earn the right to hit record. I don't know. Maybe because we're constantly measuring ourselves up against people who have been doing it longer or better or louder, whatever, but if I'd skipped recording today because I didn't think it would be good enough, I would have missed a chance to connect with whoever needed to hear this, even if the only person that needed to hear it was me. People are too busy worrying about themselves to spend that much time judging you. And the ones who do, that's probably more about them than it is about you. I've been trying to get better at letting myself be a beginner again. It's so uncomfortable, especially if you spent a lot of your life being known for being good at things. There's something humbling about walking into a room and not being the most experienced person there. There's something humbling about saying, Can you show me? But there's also something exciting about it too. Because every version of you that you're proud of now, at one point, had absolutely no idea what they were doing. The bartender who could make six drinks without thinking, they were once the person who couldn't remember the difference between a Manhattan and an old fashioned. The person who seemed confident at work, they had a first aid too. The friend who's really good at communicating, they probably had relationships that they weren't. Nobody skits the beginning. We just don't usually get to see it. I think that's why comparison is such a scam. We're comparing our beginning to someone else's middle or our middle to someone else's ending, and we're doing it with almost no information. We don't know what somebody sacrificed or what they struggled through. We don't know what they lost or what they're carrying. We just assume that they have something we don't. And maybe they do, but you may have something they don't too. Maybe somebody is looking at life thinking, I wish I had what they have. And you'd never know it because you're too busy looking somewhere else. So if there's one thing I hope you take away from this episode, it's this. Give yourself a break. Seriously. Not because you don't have goals or you shouldn't keep growing, but because you're allowed to be learning. You're allowed to change your mind, you're allowed to ask questions or to start over, and you're allowed to not know. None of these things make you behind, they make you human. I don't know if anybody ever really figures life out. I think maybe we just get a little bit more comfortable with not having all the answers. I don't think getting older means you magically get all the answers either. I think you just stop panicking every time you don't have one. You'll come to find out that you'll learn and adapt. You'll mess something up, you'll fix it, you'll laugh about it later, and you'll keep going. Or maybe you'll cry, but you'll keep going. Life always finds a way. Because if I waited until I felt completely ready for everything in my life, I'd probably still be waiting. So if you're listening to this and you've been putting something off because you're waiting until you feel more qualified or more confident or more certain, this could be your sign to stop waiting. I'm not saying success is guaranteed, but standing still guarantees there will be no success. Thank you for hanging out with me today. Thank you for chilling. Um I appreciate every single one of you comes back every week, throws on an episode while you're driving or walking in dog or doing dishes or pretending to work, whatever it is. I love hearing from you all. So if you have any questions, feedback, ideas for future episodes, please feel free to email me at the number sevenamkingsill at gmail.com or DM me on Instagram at abstract underscore catalyst. It means more than you probably realize. If this episode made you think of somebody, send it to them. Maybe they're waiting for permission they don't actually need. So give it to 'em. And if nobody's told you lately, you're doing better than you think you are. I'll catch you next week. Until then, keep going. Even if you're scared.