What Would She Do?

80 Days to Become Her — Marsha on Losing Yourself and Finding Your Way Back

• Jennie Reynolds • Season 1 • Episode 7

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What would you do if you looked in the mirror and didn't recognise yourself anymore? Marsha did something about it. She set herself a challenge — post every day for 80 days, commit to three small things, and start asking herself the questions she'd been avoiding. What happened next surprised her. In this conversation we talk about the moment she knew something had to change, how tiny habits snowballed into something much bigger, the plateau, the trolls, the online friendships, and what it actually feels like to start keeping promises to yourself. She's on day 58. She's not done yet. And she is not the same woman she was on day one. What would she do? She'd start anyway.

Find me on Instagram @worklife_health or drop me an email at jennie@worklifehealth.co.uk — and you can find Marsha on Instagram at @becomingmein80days.

SPEAKER_00

Welcome to What Would She Do? I'm Jenny Reynolds, nutritionist, health coach, and someone who has spent years learning to hear what people aren't saying. Sometimes it's just me, other times it's conversations with women whose stories will make you think a little differently about your own. So it's time to ask yourself, what would she do? Today I'm sitting down with Marcia, and honestly, I love this conversation. So Marsha is a woman who had a moment. A moment where she looked at herself and just didn't recognise who she'd become. Instead of pushing through it and just hoping it would pass, she actually did something about it. She set herself a challenge to post every single day for 80 days ahead of her girl's trip to Milan. No grand plans, just a commitment to herself. And what followed was something that she didn't expect. Small habits, snowballing, confidence quietly growing, questions that she never thought to ask herself before. She's had trolls, she's hit plateaus, and she's kept going anyway. At the time we recorded this, she was on day 58, and she's not the same woman she was on day one. I think you're really going to recognise yourself in this conversation. So let's get into it. Okay, so today I've got Marcia with me. Thank you for joining us on the What Would She Do podcast. Um, would you like to introduce yourself, please?

SPEAKER_01

My name's Marcia. Um you contacted me about my Instagram where I just started basically talking to Instagram like it was my own personal diary. And introducing myself sounds like it's a very easy thing to do, but actually that's the reason I started this because I didn't know who I was. Um and I knew you were gonna hit me with introducing myself first, so that was gonna be the hardest question. Yeah, the first question anybody asked. Yeah. Um I'm a mum, I'm a wife, um, just all the titles, but really I don't know who I am is the main thing. I don't know how to introduce myself other than those titles that I've assumed over the last 18 years. And yeah, that's that's a scary place to be, I think. Yeah. I just don't know who I am, and I think there are a lot of people out there, more than I realised, felt the same way.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it all comes down to how you define your identity, doesn't it? And it's you know, so many people define themselves by what they do for a living, or the fact that they are a mum, or the fact that they are a partner. Yeah. Um, and actually we forget sometimes that there is still, you know, who were you before those things?

SPEAKER_01

There's a person underneath that. And yeah, you know, I would say that I'm creative and um, you know, I love life and I love I love love and all that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00

But I've only really come back to that since starting my little diary, my little online diary. So you decided, you know, for anybody who hasn't seen what you're doing, you um basically started an Instagram called Becoming Me in 80 Days. And um yeah, you're on day 57, 58? 58, yeah, yeah, yeah. So okay, do you want to just start then by explaining like what was going on for you kind of immediately before you decided to do this? And you know, what's what's it all about?

SPEAKER_01

Okay, so 58 days ago, I think I'm behind a couple of days, but 58 days ago, I was invited on a girl's trip for a birthday party, birthday celebration. She'd moved to Milan and um like really good friends of ours, a group of friends from here, and I just didn't want to go. And that's just not who I see myself as because I'm I used to be the first person that would be booking the flights or looking for where we could go, where we could stay, all the accommodation, all that kind of thing. And I just didn't it was nothing to do with them. It was totally how I felt that I couldn't bring anything to the party. I just wasn't excited about it. So it's like, well, if I'd rather be at home, it's just yeah, I can't bring anything to this to the celebration, so I'm I don't want to come. And it was like, that's not who you are. That is so not who you are. You are you used to be. Um you know life but not the life and the soul, because that makes me sound you know, like I love myself. I do love myself now, but um it's a whole nother story, but it's yeah, it it just I didn't recognise myself and it was like that's not I this is not it, my life is not over.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You are going to Italy and you are going to go as whoever you are now.

SPEAKER_00

It's that moment of not recognising yourself, isn't it? And and I think sometimes that can happen in really small ways, you know, when you look in the mirror and you you suddenly realize that you don't look the way that you used to look, or you know, you respond to a situation in a different way. Most of the time it kind of just slips by unnoticed. Yeah but what I hear from women a lot is that there's these moments where you're just it hits you more like a ton of bricks of like, whoa, who who is that person? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is she? And like, when did she become this?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, when did my world get so small that I was just happy doing the things that I was doing? Because I am, I was happy, I wasn't sad. It's just there is a bigger world out there.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You know, you do bring a lot to conversations, and actually that friend um who we're who's we're going to celebrate the party or the birthday for, she um she saw my Instagram and she's reached out and she's like, I feel exactly the same way as you do. Um, I can't wait to see you, I can't wait to get into our deep chats for you to have. And it's like, actually, yeah, when did my life become small talk and school drop-offs and just this little bubble that's not even real? There's a whole real world out there, and I'm I've stopped myself from exploring it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and I th I think there is that shift. Um, you know, we we spoke briefly, and our our children are kind of broadly the same age bracket, aren't they? And I think there's such a kind of vast period of time, or it feels vast at the time, but it goes by so quickly. When your children are small and your identity shifts hugely when you have your first baby, and then if you're having more, you're still in that mode. And then they're toddlers, and then they start school, and then your social circle completely revolves around what they do and who they're friends with and who their friends' parents are. Yeah. And and it can be really surface level, partly because you never get to finish a sentence, let alone a whole conversation. You know, you don't you can't talk deeply about anything because someone's constantly tugging at you for a snack or to go to the toilet or something. So I don't think it's necessarily like something that's a reflection on us as individuals that we don't develop those deeper friendships over that period of time. It's just the way it is, it's just the situations that you're in and you're dashing here, there, and everywhere, and you've got this one thing in common, which is your kids. And then as the kids get older and then actually you're left with this circle of friends that you've been hanging out with for years, and you're like, actually, have we got anything else in common? Or was it always just the kids? And you've never had the deeper conversations, and then it's like, well, do you get to that point or or do you not get to the point? I think it's really, really common. And and the unfortunate thing is it coincides with maybe it's not unfortunate, but it coincides mostly with us hitting perimenopause and drops in estrogen and you know, decreased kind of resistance to stress. So all these things happen at once. And it's yeah, yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and also you've got I think it changes from when they go from like a middle school to a secondary school because it's less involved as parents.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, so you're not seeing people at school gates, you're not, oh do you fancy a quick coffee, or have you got time to go for a chat? Or it's just it's different, it's much more removed. And if you don't keep up those connections, I think they kind of just they just fizzle out and it's oh yeah, we must get together, and you just never do.

SPEAKER_00

So then it requires effort, doesn't it? I mean, even the people that I genuinely know are real good friends and who I could talk to about anything and turn to if I needed them, we still don't actually see each other very much. Yeah. You have to really make an effort, don't you?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, but then I think those friends that you've you've gone well above surface or below surface level, they you can just pick up where you left off. Yeah. And it's almost like actually, why have we been not making this a priority for for a long, you know, for us as us, you know, as people, why are we doing everything we can for our children and not why do we feel guilty for not picking ourselves for that one night or you know, that quick half an hour chat?

SPEAKER_00

Or it just yeah, so I think that's where I just got lost in so you decided to start this this kind of little project. Um so why so okay, so had you ever done anything like this before? You know, where have you are you a self-development person? Do you I love I love yeah, I love um self-development books.

SPEAKER_01

I would happily pick a self-help book over a fiction book any day.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, I love biographies, I love learning about people and how we interact with each other and all this kind of thing. And I um my guilty pleasure is reality TV. I find it fascinating. I know it's fake, I know it's fake, but it is obviously it's yeah, you know, it's a heightened um version of reality.

SPEAKER_00

It's I agree with you on that, and I get criticized um for my choice in you know relaxing TV, but I find the psychology of it absolutely fascinating. Yeah, and the fact that it's manufactured doesn't make any difference because I factor that in when I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking to myself, well, they know that this is this is gonna be shown. And the way that people interact and the way that people form relationships, I just find so interesting.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I so I would definitely pick a a self-health book over. Yeah. So you're kind of already got this awareness around, you know, I guess psychology, um in the broadest of terms.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00

Where did the idea of this 80-day challenge come from? Um well so the 80 days were because you know, we're going in three weeks.

SPEAKER_01

In three weeks tomorrow, we're going, um, group of girls were going off to Italy. Um, so that was the hard deadline. If I didn't have a deadline, I wouldn't I know myself, I wouldn't, you know, do I wouldn't just do it. It would be something that I'd keep putting off. So I needed a deadline and I was like, 80 days seems like quite enough, you know, quite a long time to explore if I give up that I can always pick it up again. Um and I had no I had no idea that it would become quite as it has.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um I genuinely thought I would be speaking to my own camera. Um and I just recorded that video after I'd be spent a day at my son's rugby tournament with a group of friend, you know, mum friends. Um and it was like something has to change because this is not this is not who I am. I'm not a I contribute, or you know, that kind of thing. It's just something's gotta something's gotta give. And what I'm doing now is not working, so let's just record it. Push up yourself out to comfort zone just speaking to a camera because even that was just weird. Yeah um and at least you've got this to look back on because if you do start making progress in it plateaus or you give up, you you can see how far you've come. And I thought, right, well, let's just post it. Let's just see what happens, because then at least then I can keep myself accountable. If I'm doing something every day, yeah, uh even if I am just talking to myself, that's fine. I would rather be talking to myself because then I can be more open and I can share more things that are relevant to me rather than having to censor myself, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and your your day one, your day one video is so vulnerable. Um it's so cringe. Obviously, I watched it, which is how I ended up following you on Instagram, so I'd seen it pop up, and something something resonated. I mean, there's got to be something in it that stops the scroll because you know what it's like. You kind of scan through and you you're bombarded with information and people talking to camera. There's nothing kind of unique about that, is there sitting in the car, you know, having a conversation. Um, but something about what you said or the way that you said it clearly touched a nerve for so many people. And I watched it back um in preparation of to speak to you today.

SPEAKER_01

And I can't watch it. I just can't watch it. I find it so cringy because I and I don't recognise that person anymore, which is amazing because even after I know I'm 58 days in, but even after like three weeks, it was like, who is that? Because that is not me.

SPEAKER_00

That surely can't have been who I was. It's that's so interesting, isn't it? But your you know, your voice, if you could hear the emotion in your voice, like there was a little wobble, and maybe it's that it's the vulnerability, isn't it? And people see through fakeness because there's so much fakeness on social media, and I think just hearing like how honest you were being, I think is maybe what appeals to so many people.

SPEAKER_01

Maybe I I d I don't know. I mean, like that I get so many messages about um perhaps you should stop drinking. I'm like, I don't even drink alcohol. It's like where has that come from? And then it was like, oh, and Facebook is just a horrible place to be. I get anxiety with Facebook because the comments on there are just nasty. They're like, oh, red nose, Rudolph the red nose. And I'm like, okay, so maybe people think I drink because I had a red nose, and it's like, no, actually, I'd spent all day outside and it was cold, and it was like I had a red nose, all my makeup would come off because I'd been outside all day. Um, yeah, it's just funny. It's funny that the people things that people pick up on and things that people think are acceptable to say.

SPEAKER_00

That that filter, that barrier of the computer screen, they would never say it if you were standing in front of them. But I loved what you said um on one of your videos after you'd seen some negative comments about you know what must have happened to somebody in their life to get them to a place where they feel like that about other people and feel okay to say it. Like it can't be good, you know, it can't be it can't be a nice, happy experience that they've had. So exactly kind of feel some if you can, if you can manage it, some compassion.

SPEAKER_01

Oh yeah. I mean, I it's any comment now I get that's um that's negative. It's like I truly do not understand where you're coming from, and I am grateful for my life that I don't see your point of view and the need to bring other people down. Um, so I've kind of flipped it on their head because it's like you're doing it to get a reaction out of me, and I'm the reaction you're wanting is not coming because I just feel pity for you and gratitude to my own life for the fact that I I can't see your point of view. I just can't see it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's such a nice way of looking at it, isn't it? Like turning it into that and not just not handing over any power to people in that way, because you know, ultimately, you know, it is a much nicer place to be if you're not it it must be absolutely exhausting to be filled with so much bitterness and hatred towards people for absolutely no reason. It must be a horrible way to live. So yeah, how nice that you you're not the person that feels that way. We don't need to experience that.

SPEAKER_01

Sometimes I do find myself wanting to like clap back almost, and then it's like, no, that's just your hormones.

SPEAKER_00

You're not actually in the doormat, do they? You know, there's a balance, isn't there, between sticking up for yourself and turning the other cheek kind of thing? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, there was somewhere where it'd be like, Oh, you're just an attention seeker, and it's like, well, I got yours though, didn't I?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it worked, didn't it?

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

How do men feel? Yeah. And then recently it's been like, Well, you're you're blonde and you wear low tops, so you you must expect m uh men to like come on here and uh like attention seek you. I'm like, that's just weird. Like, what hap I don't want my boys growing up in a world where they think it's okay to comment that on somebody else's like absolutely not? What is going on with the world? Honestly.

SPEAKER_00

Because I'm blonde and my well, it's just I cannot even begin to there are just no words, it's no well that's that's the dark side, but there's there's obviously the positive side. Like I think at last count, had you got to about 17,000, 18,000 followers, yeah, yeah, which is absolutely incredible, isn't it? In in 50 days.

SPEAKER_01

I try not to dwell on that number because it's very scary. Um, because I don't want to censor this journey because I started it for myself, and I don't want to feel like I can't say what's on my mind. And um, yeah, I mean th the amount of people that message saying how I've inspired them to do things and um you know, like to go and do a gym class, and I I don't even like the gym. I I hate going to the gym. I would far rather work out at home than go into a gym. I used to work in a gym, so I know that it is an intimidating place.

SPEAKER_00

But it can be, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Well yeah, it can be, yeah. Not all are, I get that. I would far happier do a class or um, like I said, work out at home. Um Yeah, so to f to for people to be inspired by me is just so nice. I I find it crazy because I'm just I'm just a mum who's who was struggling, probably still is struggling, to work out who I am, what I want to do, and who's using my phone, because that's all it is, yeah, as a video diary. So the fact that I am able to inspire other people is such a oh, it's a fantastic feeling. It's it it's an incredible feeling to be able to do that because it didn't start like that at all. It it literally was just a selfish mission.

SPEAKER_00

Um well I think it's it's it's a privilege, isn't it? But I think what it speaks to is the fact that people are craving like genuine connection. Um, you know, if we think about where we were six years ago, kind of stuck in houses, you know, not going out, not seeing people, you know, and there's so much about that that could be said. But actually, even since then, the impact that that's had, so many people working from home, so much stuff happening online. I mean, and there's a good side to that. I mean, look at us sports are connecting that way. But it also means that we're more isolated than ever before. You know, the world is very different, and I think you know, social media has a way of presenting, you know, everybody's highlight reels. So you're constantly comparing your life with something that's not real. And I think what what your story shows is that actually what people really want is a bit of reality and a bit of genuine connection that's not, you know, that's not fake, that's not polished, it's just real and relatable.

SPEAKER_01

And I think a lot of people say that I'm brave, and it's like I don't feel brave because I really don't feel like I'm talking to that many people. I am just talking to my camera, um, just to myself. So yeah, I don't I don't feel brave. I don't feel I love the connection I'm getting from other people, don't get me wrong, that's incredible. Um, and I am making some I never like people make they say they've made friends online, and it's like actually yes, I have made a lot of friends, I think.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um yeah, I mean it it's just social media does have its negativity, and I think that's a whole nother story, but there is actually a lot of positives that can be taken from it, and I think from this journey, I have started seeing a lot more positives and thinking in a more positive way about things.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and I I guess the the actual thing that you're doing, the method that you're following, it could be written in a journal just for yourself. But the difference is when you speak to camera and you might be saying exactly what you might have written, there is a vulnerability in that. You are opening yourself up to positive and negative. So I think it is brave. Um and I guess, you know, try not to, I guess, don't underestimate that about yourself because not everybody could do it. Some other people would just stick to the journal and writing it down. You know, by speaking it out loud, you know, you're you're really you know you're making it real and by sharing it with people, you are you're almost inviting comment rather. Completely, yeah. Yeah. And you've got to be able to handle that. But what you get in return is validation and accountability that you wouldn't get if you were only doing this by yourself or talking to a friend about it. So yeah, there's there's definitely positives and negatives. But I think, you know, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the courageous, you know, and brave kind of statements because that that's part of who who you obviously are, you know. Um, you know, if we're talking about it.

SPEAKER_01

I think I've I'm I'm quite an overthinker, but then when it comes to some things, I'm just more of a right, let's just see, let's just go with it, see what happens, and let's deal with it when it if something, you know, if something happens. So I was too short to keep thinking about something and put it off. Um but I again that's that's that wasn't who I was. Yeah, but it is now it is well it is now and it and it was before I don't even know when like it slowly changed, so I don't even know when I did become the person in the first videos. Um, but that certainly wasn't who I was. I I've always been a life is way too short, it's so precious. You have to just say yes to everything and be brave and dive to fit in and deal with the consequences afterwards. I mean, obviously there is an element of risk in things. I'm not gonna jump off a bridge, you know, that kind of thing. Um, but a calculated risk. Because what is the worst element that's gonna happen? I'm gonna get a load of negative comments and I'm not gonna post publicly anymore. Okay, that's fine. Um, or I'm gonna help other people and keep going, or I'm gonna get to where I want to be.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Um, and it's just I think you're right, it happens so gradually, doesn't it? And we can remember perhaps that version of us when we were younger, and you kind of look back and go, like that feels like a different lifetime, and we evolve and we change in in good ways and bad ways. And I do think that that kind of aversion to risk and that increased anxiety, I think that is part and parcel of being a mum. Um, I don't think I ever suffered with anxiety before having children, and then all of a sudden you're worried about everything, and and it does change you, and I think you do have to kind of grow and move on from that, but you're a different version of the one that you were before, but yeah, we don't all we don't lose all of it, but you know, gradually, gradually, gradually. Um, and then yeah, sometimes we have this moment of kind of awakening. But so, in terms of you know, what you've been doing over the last kind of 57-58 days, um, has there been any actual kind of process that you followed or have you just kind of gone with it then?

SPEAKER_01

Um well, I didn't start just winging it. I just thought I'm just gonna speak and just see what happens. And but then I would be spending the day thinking about why am I feeling like that? Why am I doing this? Why what's stopping you from doing the thing you want to do? Why why are you wearing black leggings, black tops all the time? What you know, it it was just asking myself questions initially as to why I have become that person. Um and I think that really helped for the first three weeks, and then it was a bit like okay, now what? You kind of yeah, you've kind of done your soul searching internal, well, this is not who you want to be. So who is who is that person? Who who do you want to be? And however many weeks later, I still don't know. Yeah, you're still defining that, yeah. Yeah, and I don't think I'll ever stop defining it because it's like, well, you know, I did so you know, I did want to start doing some kind of pickleball thing, and it's like, actually, do I really want to do that or am I just doing it because I want to do something different? And I can't fit it in, I've tried, and I've I've found somewhere I can go and do it, but it's just like every Tuesday there's a beginner's class you can just turn up to, and it's like, I actually don't want to do that, so that's not who I am, and that's fine, that's absolutely fine. But then in a couple of weeks' time, it might be like, Okay, let's try, let's try it, let's give it a go.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, I've just started w working with a PT, and um she's been incredible with with um what I should be eating and um what I should be working out and all that kind of thing, and um it's been fascinating because I clearly was not eating enough food for my body at this stage in life, and I still cannot, I still cannot because I'm just I just can't, I can't eat that much. And I think we go through these phases where it's like you know, no carbs, or um, I've got to eat as little as possible, and actually, you need to feed your body in the right way, you need to look after your body in the right way, because you only get one, and I think that's true of your mind as well, because you did have some help um from Catherine, she's a hypnotherapist, and she taught me quite a lot about how our pathways in our brain and all that kind of thing, and it is so true because uh in a negative state, you only see the negatives, and now I'm like, well, actually, that if there's a positive in this, there's a positive in my floor being ruined, I get a new floor. There's a positive in putting myself out there as I get to meet people like you and get to extend my comfort zone because this is very scary. Um, but now it's like it's just no different than talking on a Zoom with a friend, like you said, like we used to do with lockdown.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Um I mean the the neuroplasticity thing is fascinating because I mean I guess um, you know, we've not spent an awful lot of time kind of getting to know each other. You know, my I'm I'm a nutritionist and a health coach, but I the the the difference in what I offer to my clients is that kind of rewiring of those old patterns, which is why I was so keen to talk to you because what you would what you're doing intuitively is exactly what I speak to my clients about doing. And I think it's really easy when we talk about this kind of gradual change that happens, you know, over our lives, those neural pathways are getting more and more well established. So the brain is always trying to automate as much as possible, which is a really good thing. Like it's it's what we need to survive because we can't possibly process all of the information that is coming at us every second of every day. So we we filter out what's relevant to us and we do that based on the patterns that we've got and the neural pathways we've got. So what's relevant, what's not relevant. Yeah. So that we are free, we've got capacity to recognize threat if it happens to cross our path. So those automations are usually positive, but they can also be really negative. So if you're somebody who has consistently reinforced the idea that you are not someone who ever sticks to things, I'm not someone who enjoys playing sport, I don't enjoy exercise, gyms are intimidating, um, you know, I'm not this kind of person, I'm not that kind of person, I'm this kind of person, I'm that kind of person. Doesn't matter what that message is, and we reinforce it consistently, your brain will be looking for evidence that those things are true. That's how it works. Yeah, yeah. And the same is true in reverse. Yeah. So what you what you've been doing, whether you realised it or not, is giving your brain an alternative path. And it's not easy, like it's really simple, but it's not easy because your brain wants to take you to the can't take you the lazy option because it's well, this is nice and easy, I'm just gonna do that way.

SPEAKER_01

And it's like, actually, no, that's not that's not gonna benefit you. You need to keep on the positive pathway because life is amazing and I'm not dead. I'm I'm 43. There is so much more life that's out there, other than outside of my family, that I'm missing out on because I'm too frightened to go and find it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Well, it's it's almost like, and I I I use this analogy sometimes, it's like you're you're in Waze or in your sat nav, and at some point in your life you put a postcode in, and then forever and a day, your your car will automatically try and take you down that path to that postcode. And then one day, either there's a a block in the road, or actually you go, this oh look, I can see a field full of sunflowers over there. I'm gonna go down that way, or you just go, actually, instead of turning left, I'm gonna turn right, whatever the reason is. The sat nav will keep trying to get you back onto the path that you were on before, regardless of whether there's another way, and it might be a longer way, it might take you, you know, through some windy country lanes. Yeah, but they're beautiful exactly, and like eventually, if you keep persisting and if you keep ignoring its instructions, eventually it'll find another way to get there. But it takes a bit of persistence because the first few times it'll keep trying to pull you back onto the original route. And like that's the like almost like the clearest way that I can because I'm quite a visual person, and if you explain it like that to people, it's like, yeah, you could just go that way and you'll get to where you've always gone, or you can go down this lovely detour where actually it's a much nicer route and it feels different, and you'll still get to where you need to go, yeah, but it's just different. But the next time you try to go to the same place, your car will still try and take you the way that it's always gone. Like you don't just get to do it once, you just have to keep working at it. Constant practice, and eventually you can retrain and get a new normal, like a new baseline, but it doesn't happen like straight away, which is why I think 80 days, as much as it didn't mean anything other than I've got something happening in 80 days, you know, there's lots of talk about new habits taking 21 days. It takes way longer than 21 days, way longer to establish a habit. This has been something we've done for 43 years, like exactly.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I think I'm I'm kind of in the middle now where it's like, well, nothing's really happening, it's a bit it's gone a bit flat. That's the plateau, and it's like, well, actually, look back at where you were, look back at how far you've come. You're still doing the basics, which is brilliant because that would have finished a long time ago. Um, and I you have enjoyed this journey. So those are the positives that you can take for this, or I can dwell on, well, I'm just an about funk now, so I might as well give up. Nothing's changed.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. And I think that people don't talk about enough when it comes to making changes because we can all be enthusiastic to a point. And if you start to think about our nervous system, so your nervous system's comfort zone is based on your old programming. And actually, what's happening at the moment is that's recalibrating a little bit, and your nor your new normal is changing and it's settling at a different level, which doesn't feel like home to you. Yeah, oh, completely. And it's like you now have to kind of live and and be consistent and keep showing up to establish this new baseline, and then you start again like envisaging what's the next step, and it's a constant evolution, like you said.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I I do feel like the universe has heard me say those things where it was like, well, nothing's really happening now, so I'm just gonna keep going. And then my floor gets ripped up. My my my fa I wake up and my face is swollen, and it's like, okay, universe, I hear you. I've got problems, I'm dealing with my problems, but actually, I'm dealing with them so much, so much better than I was, because it's like, well, we'll deal with the floor, it's fine, it will be okay. I'll just take a puritan. My face will go back to normal. I'm not gonna die. You know, it's like I don't need the universe to give me more problems. I see my problems. I'm I'm in a very privileged situation where I have and I can be very grateful for the things that I do have, um, but that doesn't mean that they're not problems, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, and and I think the difference is noticing how you're handling it differently. Yeah. Because actually, if you're in a negative headspace, having to replace your floor can be an absolute nightmare.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and you over the edge. Yeah, and like letting you down yesterday, it was like I would have dwelled on that and literally eaten myself up inside about it. Because you were so kind about it, it was like, well, there really is nothing I can do. It's like it's not you know, it's not my fault. My, you know, the the guy's come around and he's like, right, we'll have to take it all up. And it's like I can't, I can't control that. And I appreciated the fact that you were so kind about it. And it was like, okay, she's fine, I'm fine, we're all fine, move on.

SPEAKER_00

Everything's fine, yeah, everything's fine, and you don't need to spiral. But I think actually there's there's something about that moment of gratitude as well, and and noticing that you've handled it differently is is big because you're actually bringing it into your conscious mind. It's not just you're automatic, you're like, Oh, I notice, I noticed I did that differently, and I'm really grateful for the fact that I've clearly changed, something shifted, like brilliant. Now, like then you do move on to like what's next.

SPEAKER_01

But um yeah, I mean, I definitely being having um every day saying something that I'm grateful for has definitely helped massively. I mean, even if it's just something silly, like I've got clean bedsheets, um, I mean that's such a lovely feeling in itself, and um increasing my water intake, that's such a big thing. I think I think it's so underestimated how much water actually helps us. Yeah. And we just forget to do it. We drink so much tea and coffee. I'm not a tea and coffee fan. Um, or you know, whatever, whatever you drink. I think we we need to focus on drinking more water. It's so simple. It's it literally is just the basics that they're so boring, but they are so important.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, there's nothing that this is the thing. I think when people come to me um on the basis of wanting nutrition advice, you know, before we start talking about the deeper stuff, I feel like people often are expecting me to come up with some sexy magical pill or like sprinkle on your cereal you can have. You know, that's it. There's nothing really interesting about what is good for you. Um, but doing the basics, doing them well and doing them consistently is is what will make you feel good. And actually nourishing your body, stabilising your physical health helps you to then move into the emotional health and the mental health. Because trying to deal with emotional cravings or difficult thought patterns and things that are just really unhelpful for you, it's actually really hard to do that if your body's fighting against you. Yeah. Um, and actually bringing your body into some sort of balance is always the first step, really, because you know, you can't you haven't got capacity to deal with all of this if if all of this is is not working.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. I do really think it's an internal put into your body what you consume.

SPEAKER_00

Even doom scrolling doesn't help. Um I think it's you know, I just think it's interesting, isn't it? The things that we start to notice and and the things that you might not have noticed before, you become a bit of a self-study, don't you? So I mean, in terms of your actual kind of goals and the things that you've been trying to do, and I think just the consistency of showing up and posting every day, um, has that been harder than you expected? Has it been easier? Like, has there been anything in particular that has been difficult?

SPEAKER_01

Um, I'm quite a perfectionist at heart. I I needed everything to be perfect and or I would just wouldn't start. And I think that's one thing that I found harder than I thought I would, because because it's like I just I'm just posting. I'm not it's not perfect, it's not polished, it's just my rambles and then I hit send. It's not a you know a speech that I've written. I it it's not perfect, it's just it's just me, it's just messy, it's just so yeah, I and the consistency is is very hard. Um outside of the posting every day. That's that's been the hardest thing, I think. Right now I'm struggling with the most because like I said, nothing is really changing. I'm noticing that it's not changing. So do I amp it up again or do I just keep going and see where this takes me? I don't know. That's what I'm yeah thinking about over the next few days.

SPEAKER_00

I think it's like the crunch point. Yeah. This is the bit where you get to see what can really happen when you're stuck with something beyond the initial novelty. Um and actually I think reframing it almost as like this is the next phase, and and it gets I think yeah, I would I would totally have given up, totally have stopped because uh nothing's changing. Yeah. But actually it's changing because the way that you're handling situations is different. And yeah, and I think trusting myself to do the things that I say I'm gonna do is be massive. So I mean, I think there's there's um have you heard of the 1% theory? Yes, yeah. Um, and I think that the micro shifts and atomic habits, that's a good book to read on this kind of thing. But actually, I think when you look, when you set yourself quite a lofty goal, um which actually kind of shifting your identity is quite lofty, it's quite big, it can be quite overwhelming. And if you look at it and you go, Oh, I'm here now, and actually where I want to be is there, yeah, it can feel huge, but actually just going, okay, well, like what's the one thing that I could do today? Yeah, just I mean closer.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I think that's what this be has been about. It's been little things every day that have actually amalgamated into something huge.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, and I need to start thinking again like that. So I perhaps have lost the yeah, I've lost it. So I'm gonna have to try it, find it again.

SPEAKER_00

But I I guess I think though that what what happens is what initially starts out as being something that you need to consciously think about doing every day becomes automatic and it becomes a habit. And then you need to add something else in. But I think you're probably at the point now where you need to add something else in because actually the gratitude you're already doing, you're doing it every day. Yeah, you're already learning and reprogramming to see the positive in negative situations or potentially negative situations that you might previously have been kind of derailed by. So, like those are things now that might have been an effort 50 odd days ago that are now just part of who you are. Yeah. And now now it's time to go, what next? Like, what's the next one percent thing that I can add in? And it doesn't have to be huge, it doesn't have to be big. Yeah. So what are you um, you know, how are you staying on track then? Like if this is getting to the point where it's feeling more tricky, how are you managing to keep yourself accountable and consistent every day?

SPEAKER_01

Well, so I'm not I am not looking too far ahead. I'm not thinking right at 80 days I'm gonna stop. Um, I know this is gonna be a lifelong thing. And and every day is is a new challenge. And like we've talked about, I am dealing with it differently. Um, I am still asking myself questions every day. And um, you know, if one day I've missed something that I said I was gonna do, it's not oh I failed and I'm just gonna give up. It's like actually there's a reason why you didn't do it this day. You don't you didn't let yourself down, yeah. You are still moving forward. Um I think I'm just holding myself more accountable. And I think I think we all need to, I mean, this is speaking from experience, take accountability for our own life because ultimately we are the driver in that seat. We can choose to we can choose whole different paths. Um we can choose to get upset over. I mean, I cracked an egg this morning, I dropped the egg box and it cracked. And yeah, it was like, oh well, I'll just hide it up, you know, or that could be the start of, oh, I'm gonna have a terrible day. But it was my choice to think, oh well, I'll just clean it up rather than oh my day's ruined.

SPEAKER_00

Well, there's a bit of a victim mentality thing that can be really easy to slip into. And you know, we all know people who can be a little bit like this, and we probably all have days where we are like it, like you're like, oh, like it's me again. Like, of course this has happened to me. Of course I drop the egg. This is just what happens to me, like it's always me. And actually, like it's it you can't really underestimate how powerful it is to not be that person, to be the person who's like, it's just an egg. Yeah, it's fine.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, and I know I mean, even going for a walk, it doesn't need any money, even like a 10-minute walk outside, it's it's so good for your body, and you shouldn't feel guilty if you've got screaming kids at home. It's like you need that time too. You are a person, and you do need that space to be yourself, to remember who you are.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, definitely. I mean, something that you said um a few minutes ago that I thought was really interesting because again, it's it's a common theme that I see with clients is around keeping promises to yourself.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And and actually, there is, I believe, um, science behind this, like confidence can be developed and it grows. And it this is how you grow self-confidence. It's it's in making small promises to yourself and then keeping them. So you shouldn't, you know, we the the the thing that people get wrong is that they'll set this huge thing, this huge goal. I'm gonna go to the gym seven days a week and work out for an hour and a half, and I'm only gonna eat this, and I'm I'm gonna get to bed at nine every single day, and I'm gonna get up at five and I'm gonna meditate. So they set these big goals for themselves when actually what you're doing is making it really hard to stick to those. So then when they stick to them, yeah, you then become the person. Who doesn't stick to their goals? Yeah. And then you failed. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And you've let yourself down, which is massive. I think self-trust is so important. Um, I h that I didn't start this with the intention initially of making it about moving more or you know, going to the gym, getting fit, eating here better. It was actually trusting myself that I am going to be able to commit to those things when I do decide I'm going to do them. A daily walk, 10 minutes outside, a drink of water, you know, making sure you drink enough water every day and finding something to be grass grateful for. Yeah. Were literally my three things that I've started with. Um, because I knew they were manageable. I knew that I could do them. Um I mean, some days I literally just walked to the end of my drive and back again. You know, it was literally like so small. But I did it, I kept that promise. Yeah. I didn't push myself too far that I would end up failing.

SPEAKER_00

And that's the that's the key. Yeah. Like you make those promises and you keep them. And then every time you do that thing, you are reinforcing that belief that you're the person who keeps that promise. That you're worthy of loving yourself. And you can trust yourself because if you say you're going to do something, then you then you do it. Exactly. Your brain's finding that evidence, it's seeking evidence that you are that person. And then the next time you make another promise to yourself, you don't assume you're going to fail. You assume you're going to do it. Exactly. And that's entirely it feels so different to than you know, January when everyone sets their weight loss goals. But they do it. And then in the even before they've taken another breath, they're saying how it won't work.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

They're never going to do it. And that they're just going to start again. Yeah. So if you um were to, I mean, we've already touched on this a little bit, but you know, when you started this and you thought to yourself, right, I want to figure out who I am and who I'm becoming. Did you have like an image in your mind on day one of what that version of you looked like? And has that changed?

SPEAKER_01

Um two thought patterns to this. Initially, it was like, well, you do have an end goal. Um, you know who that person is. But do you want to set yourself that goal just in case you fail? And that, like we just talked about, felt too big. So I initially thought, let's just see where you can get to. Let's just see who this who this person, who you can become, who she can become, just by doing these three little things every day and growing on those habits. And ultimately, I want to love myself. I want to speak kindly to myself. I want to wake up every day knowing that today is could be the best possible day I can live my life. I can I can live. Um and like I wear the clothes I want to wear because they make me happy, not because I hide away in them. Um I say yes to the things that bring me joy, that my body says, hell yes, this is you. And actually, no, you don't want to do that. And that's not you letting someone else down or the whole people pleasing thing. It's actually you just don't want to do it, so you're not doing it. It's a no. Unless it's a hell yeah, it's a no.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um and I I want to she is the person that is going to say the things she wants to say and and feel like people are interested in what she has to say.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I laugh and I joke more. That's that's really who I want to be. And I want to feed my body in the right way, look after my body because I only have one, and make sure I can see my grandchildren.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. That's it. I love that. I love that. And what what what I really love about it is that you didn't want once mention weight or size or money. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, because these things that people think are so important. Actually, when you are working towards becoming a different version of yourself, it's not about any of those things, it's about how you feel.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. I've unintentionally lost weight through this process. Like I can see my face is is thinner and my clothes are much looser. Even the pink jeans that I bought to go out one, I can't even remember what day it was. It was quite early on. They don't fit anymore. They're too big. Um, which is, I mean, I have been trying, or I've been watching what I've been eating over the last couple of weeks, but not from a I need to lose weight weight, from a I need to nourish my body better for it to be for it to carry me through life.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, you are speaking my language. So my my programme is called Nourished, and it's exactly yeah, it's exactly that. You know, actually, your weight will stabilize, but it's a side effect.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It's a side effect of looking after yourself in the way that respects you and respects your own. I just want to be stronger.

SPEAKER_01

I want to have a body that can carry me through getting up when I'm 90 out of my chair, you know, that kind of thing. I don't want to be rely on other people, I want to be able to do it for myself, and I have to look after myself now to be able to get there.

SPEAKER_00

I absolutely love that. And I wrote down something that you said because I was like, wow, you were talking about um mindset, and you said you can't hate yourself into becoming someone that you love. And you know, healing starts when you stop speaking to yourself like someone you hate. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

When I could have cried, oh my god. When I said that, I was like, I got goosebumps. It was like, actually, you have been doing that. You can't hate yourself into being a better person. No, you have to love yourself because you are the only person. How can you expect other people to love you if you can't love yourself?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And I I hold hand hold on, hold my hands up. I didn't for a very, very long time. I don't actually think I ever probably have. It's really funny. And I I think when you have children you give all this love to them and they give it back to you, and it's it's it's very lonely not being seen within that because it's like, well, I love you, you love me, but I don't love myself, and I don't want you to not love yourself, so I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure you love yourself, but I need to stop speaking to myself so negatively.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I mean, we've both got daughters, haven't we? And I had a conversation with my daughter very recently, um, where she was talking about weight and body shape, and and I just said to her, Look, the women that I speak to through my work in their 40s who have spent their whole lives hating their bodies, literally looking in the mirror and pulling themselves apart. I was like, you've got an opportunity to start your life in a way that doesn't lead you down that path. Like, please don't go down it. Yeah, um, because I can tell you there's there's nothing to be gained from that. There's no good can come of that. No, um, speak to yourself kindly because there's gonna be enough people out there that want to say negative things, like don't be one of them. They're just like, okay, mum, whatever.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. I don't know whether you saw the video about me talking about some kids in um some boys in my old school with the whole take that, how big is your bum, that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And my daughter genuinely loves her bum. She loves it. They're magical generation, aren't they? Yeah. I feel really proud of myself that I haven't that I've taken that situation and turned it into something positive. And actually, she's taught me that I need to love my curly hair. Um and I do, I love it now. It's like I think we can learn off from our children about how we should speak to ourselves. And yeah, I mean, you can't hate yourself into being a better person, it's just not possible.

SPEAKER_00

And it's the same with with weight loss or any other kind of goal. You can't come at this sort of process because you you hate something about yourself, it has to come from a more positive place or it just doesn't stick, it just hasn't got the right intention behind it. Like if you can visualize that version of you, whether it's five months ahead or five years ahead or 50 years ahead, and you feel into what it feels like to be her. Like, how does she spend her day? How does she speak to herself? How does she fuel her body? How does she move? Who are the people that she mixes with, all of that stuff, and you can really feel the feelings, like that starts to shift. Your brain starts to seek evidence that that is true. And that is a much healthier and more productive and actually more efficient way of bringing about change than just thinking how much you hate where you currently are.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. Definitely, yeah, completely.

SPEAKER_00

So um, okay, so I'm I'm conscious of time. We are I could probably talk to you all day. Um, but so has that version, that vision for your um future version of you, has it changed, has it evolved from day one to now? Are you starting to see like there's more possibility there?

SPEAKER_01

Oh, absolutely. If you said to me 58 days ago I'd be speaking to you on a podcast, I'd be like, absolutely no chance. Not me. No, just not gonna happen. Um so yeah, I mean it does keep changing. Um but it's not regressing, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Have you have you noticed any kind of patterns underlying the way that you approach your life that you weren't aware of before you started doing this?

SPEAKER_01

Um I keep promises to myself now.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Um, I trust myself, and I'm actually starting to like myself as well.

SPEAKER_00

Love that. Yeah. That was there's something else I wrote down here, and this was fairly early on. This was like day nine. You said not everyone likes the new me, but I'm starting to.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

And again, it's like a goosebump movement. Like hearing that. So nice. It's so simple though, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01

But yeah, it is. It's massive, it's so big. And I think even just saying, Oh, she loves herself, it's like, well, actually, what's wrong with that? Why does that need to be a negative thing? Yeah, it's it's not a negative. I mean, confidence and arrogance are very there's a borderline. Yeah. And I I don't I would hate to be to be to feel like I put out arrogance. I'd hate that.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_01

Thank you. Um but to have more confidence in myself is definitely.

SPEAKER_00

There's a bit of a British thing about this, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And and actually, if you watch, if you you know watch American shows or you know Americans, they approach this so differently. They don't seem to have as many hang-ups about celebrating themselves as we do. But I I also think it's a bit of a generational thing. Like I know that where my children go to school, they they really celebrate success and they celebrate talent and they cheer on their friends. They're like, yeah, they're so good at that, they're so proud of their friends for achieving things and they really celebrate the things they're good at. At my school, you dare get your head above the parapet, yeah. You'd have been bullied for it. So there is a shift, I think. There's a there's a shift happening, yeah. But we're we're a long way off our American counterparts.

SPEAKER_01

Well, and also we I mean, we've just come back from um we had some time in America over Easter, and we went to watch a football match, and the atmosphere is so different compared to our football because they're there to have a party. It literally is just a party, and they're so positive. Like they're their their team was losing, and um, they were like, Come on, City, you can do it. We believe in you, just believe in yourself. There was no swearing, nothing at all. It was just no abusive challenge. No, no abusive, nothing. It was just wholly positive. Holy, I appreciate you. We value what you're doing.

SPEAKER_00

Your efforts.

SPEAKER_01

Um yeah, and you can do it if you believe in yourself.

SPEAKER_00

It's just different, isn't it? It's so different, and yeah, just little shift by little shift, hopefully. Hopefully, we get there. So, I mean, is there anything that you have learned about yourself through doing this that you don't think you would have learned any other way? I think I I would have I wouldn't have stuck to it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. There's no way that I would have stuck to it. Um so you're learning that you can stick to things. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I'm learning I can stick to things. I'm learning that my comfort zone is as big as I choose it to be.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's that's a really interesting point, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I mean, definitely your own limits in place.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, completely. We we we self-limit ourselves. Um, and I think if you just say yes to more things, if there's fear involved, you need to push through it. You need to not allow that to stop you from doing something because you just never know where that's going to take you.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that's nice, yeah, that's brilliant. I was watching your um, it was fairly early video when you were talking about being at a water park on holiday and how in your head and and we've but we can all relate to that, you know, when the kids just want to go on all the slides and you're running up and down the stairs and you're just thinking, oh my goodness, and everything's all disheveled and And you're just standing there going, Oh, how can I stand that hides bits and can I hold the bag? And I don't want to do it because you might be queuing on steps for five minutes or whatever. You're not just getting up and walking to the the sea or to the pool, like it's an entirely different ball game, isn't it? Just wandering around in basically the equivalent of your underwear, which you would never do anywhere else. No, not at all. The the the sooner you realise nobody cares. Nobody's looking at you.

SPEAKER_01

No one's looking at you, and nobody cares what you look like. We're all we're all thinking the same thing. Yeah. And I mean, my only concern at that water park was I'm gonna get water in my ears and get an ear infection. Whereas previously it'd be like, oh, I need to sort this, I need to wear this swimming costume and I need to stand, I need to make sure it's there, and I'm starting fiddling with it, and oh, I could stand behind that child, or if I stood this way, maybe who cares? Nobody cares. It's just in your own brain. Not out of your own brain. Stop being so self-centered and start enjoying life for how it is.

SPEAKER_00

That's a really I think that's a really powerful point, isn't it? Just to notice that you you are the one that is creating these stories in your own mind. And that means that you've got the power to remove all of those barriers and those limitations. So they're only imposed by you.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. And you look at me and my daughter, and it's like she doesn't think that way. She's not fidgeting the way I am. So why I don't want to pass that negativity onto her. So if I can't do it for myself, I'm doing it for her.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and that's if I'm a really powerful driver, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So the question that I will ask any guest that comes on this podcast is if you start to imagine the woman that you are becoming and you've already taken a few like great strides towards her, you know, what what is that future version for you? What is she what is she doing? Like, what's she doing differently? What is she like?

SPEAKER_01

Can I just give you a really basic answer?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

She just loves herself.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

It doesn't matter what she's doing, where she is, whether it's I don't know, cleaning out the bins or going shopping, or it she just loves what she's doing. She loves the fact that she's doing it, she loves the fact she gets to do it, she's at peace with herself, she trusts herself completely. Um and she gives all the love that she's got inside herself for herself to everybody else that matters. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00

And so what are you what are you gonna do today then? What one small thing are you gonna do today that's gonna move you a little bit closer to her?

SPEAKER_01

Um I am going to keep the promise that I made to myself on Wednesday that I'm actually gonna work out.

SPEAKER_00

You're gonna do a workout today. There you go.

SPEAKER_01

I'm gonna go for a walk and I'm going to um enjoy watching my son play cricket later.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, lovely day for it. So your three things then remind me it was drinking water, it was going for a walk every day, and it was gratitude practice. Yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_01

That's that's that's lit literally what it started as. And obviously it's you know, it's snowballed, but those are my three basics and my non-negotiables. I love that. And they're just so simple.

SPEAKER_00

Really simple, but really effective. And your evidence of how effective that can be and what it can snowball into. Thank you. Well, thank you so much for joining me. No, thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it's been great to talk to you and push that comfort zone even further.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, amazing. If something landed for you today, I'd love to know what it was. Drop me an email at jenny at worklifehealth.co.uk or come and find me on Instagram at work life underscore health. And if you enjoyed this, please do like and subscribe. Leave us a review if you have a moment. It genuinely helps more women find the show.