Welcome to Up and Not Crying. This is your host, Beth Repp. I am an MD and certified life coach. Up and not crying is a Norwegian phrase that you would give in response to someone asking you, "Hey, how are you today?" It's a very realistic, low expectations way to say how you're doing so far that day. I'm up and not crying. So in setting the tone for this podcast, I've mentioned in earlier episodes, I kind of was thinking about my own, uh, two Midwestern grandmas, and this is just a fun story that kinda goes along with the tone of this. When I was a kid playing on my grandma's driveway, I fell and got a little rock embedded in my knee. And of course, I was being very dramatic and upset about it, and my Grandma Shirley looks at me and starts laughing and says, "Well, you're walking like your grandma." And then she takes me in, plucks the rock out of my knee, dusts me up and I keep playing. So here I am for you. I'm your Grandma Shirley, telling you to pluck the rock out of your knee and keep going. That's what we're doing here. No victims here. We're gonna keep on moving, but we've got our arms around each other. We're gonna keep each other going. Okay? So in this podcast, you will learn self-improvement and coaching tools to engineer your mindset, your mood, and your schedule. We make your real life feel better. In this episode, episode nine, we're gonna talk about how everything is optional, and we're gonna rethink the phrase, "I have to." Okay, so let's start by thinking back on the last couple of days, even just this morning, and I want you to think of all the times you've said, "I have to." Okay, I have to get breakfast ready, I have to pack a lunch, I have to get gas on the way to work, I have to go to work, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm so busy, I have to, you know, pick up the kids after work, and then we have to go to practice, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm so tired. I, I have to get everything ready before we go on vacation. I have to do the laundry. I have to pack. I'm so tired. It's so common that we don't even think about saying it. We say, "I have to," all the time. All the time. But I want you to really, um, question all of that today. I want you to question the phrase, "I have to." Because what if I told you it's all optional? All of it. I'm gonna just pause there for a minute, 'cause I know what you're thinking. You're like, "Yeah, no. No, it's not. No, it's not. Not really." But I'm serious. You really don't have to do anything. So let's go through this, and I'm gonna be me, and I'm gonna pretend like I have a client sitting here, okay? And I'm gonna pretend like my client, let's call her Kay, is telling me, "Ugh, I have to go to work, blah, blah, blah," and I'm saying, "No, Kay, you really don't have to go to work." And she's gonna say, "Well, that's easy for somebody else to say. I have bills to pay. I have a mortgage. I'm a single parent. I have loans. I have tons of loans to pay back." And I would say to Kay, "Well, some people don't pay their bills. Some people just ignore their loan payments." And she'd say, "Well, then what? They just expect other people to pay for them and take care of them?" And my response would be, "Yep, I'm sure you've encountered people like that." And she'd say, "Well, yes, but I would never be like that." And my response is, "Okay, there is the key point. You could be like that. All of us could be like that. You could choose to just not go to work today." And, you know, everybody out there who hires employees will laugh at this, because we have had several employees over the years that we hire, and they leave for their lunch break and just don't come back, and it's always... It just blows my mind that people do that, but people do that. They'll start, they'll come for a day or two of work, they leave on their lunch break, and they decide, "Mm, this isn't for me," and they just don't come back. So there are people out there like that, okay? But you probably, if you are listening to a self-improvement podcast, are not that person, and you don't want to be that person, okay? You could choose just not to show up. You could choose to not pay your bills. You could let all your responsibilities just fall to the greater world to try to take care of you. But you choose not to. You choose to go to work, because you want to be the type of person that fulfills your responsibilities. You want to be the type of person who does meaningful work. You want to be the type of person who pays back their loans, who pays their mortgage on time every month, who provides financial security for their children. You wanna be the type of person that does something that's in alignment with your values, that gives you meaning in your life, okay? So but just think of all the times by default we say, "Ugh, God, work sucks. I don't wanna go to work. I'm not coming back after lunch, blah, blah, blah." I do this all the time, so I'm just as guilty of everybody else. "I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna do this." But then ask yourself, well, I mean, I guess I just don't have to go back. Some people don't. Nobody's gonna come and put me in handcuffs if I don't. But do you really wanna be that person? You're choosing to go to that job because you want to be the type of person who shows up for your job. Okay? So ask, um, ask yourself, "What kind of person do I want to be? Am, am I living in alignment with the type of person I want to be?" And if yes, I'm gonna stop saying I have to. Start going through exactly why you do each thing that you're doing. Get to the core reason for why, and then you kinda get rid of those just complainy pants little I have tos. So that's kinda the first, um, example here, determining what are your non-negotiables. Okay? So for you, that might be your job, caring for your children, caring for your aging parents, doing the maintenance things that need to be done so that you can live in a safe home. Okay? What are, what are the true non-negotiables? What kind of person do you want to be? You want to be the kind of person that shows up for your colleagues, for your coworkers, for your patients, for your clients. You want to be the kind of person that is an excellent parent, who cares for and provides for their children. You want to be the kind of daughter or son that is there for your aging parents. You want to be the kind of person that makes sure the locks on your doors work, and there's no leaks in the basement, and you get the point. What are your personal non-negotiables? Okay? And when you kind of realign yourself with those, you can get rid of the default statement, "I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to." Okay, let's go through another example. Let's go through something that maybe you are finding that you're doing, and you're not even sure why you're doing it anymore. Maybe you just have a hard time saying no to people. Maybe you have a hard time setting boundaries. Maybe you don't even realize it, but you're trying to keep up with the Joneses. Um, so let's go through a common example for us parents out there. Um, I'm gonna t- have, uh, my, my client, Kay, come back here again. "I have to take my son to basketball practice tonight, and it's so late," blah, blah, blah. My response: "You don't have to." Kay's response: "Oh, yes, I do. If he misses practice, he can't play." And I say, "Okay, so he doesn't play." And she says, "But if he doesn't get playing time, he won't be picked for the competitive team." My response: "So, he doesn't make the team." Her response: "Then he won't be scholarship eligible." You get the idea. This keeps going. So I want you to ask yourself if you're finding yourself kind of in a similar situation. It could be kids' sports or kids' activities or, you know, even your own volunteer work or whatever. Does your child actually want this? Do you actually enjoy your volunteer work? Do you actually want this? Does your family actually want this activity that you're all doing and you are all partaking in? Are the kids themselves interested in, in this? Is all of this time commitment, and money, and late nights, and weekends in hotels, is it all worth the possibility of them maybe wanting to continue to play and maybe, maybe perhaps getting a scholarship? Is it worth it? If it's worth it to you and to your kid, if your kid loves it, by... then by all means, do it. Just stop with the I have tos, okay? Recognize that you're both choosing to give your child, you and your child are choosing this as a great opportunity for growth, for discipline, for community. You get the point. But if your kid hates it, you don't have to do it. That's a little secret. You don't have to do it. I was looking this up, and according to, um, an article, I think it was in Kiplinger, this article I came across, there was a survey done by something called the Aspen Institute, and they found that the average American family spends $1,500 annually per child on sports participation, and that was in 2024. So per kid in youth sports, each family is paying $1,500 per year. If that's worth it to you, by all means, do it. But what if your child really doesn't wanna do it, and it's just causing you all to be stressed out taxiing them around all the time, and staying up too late, and not having really good quality time with each other as a family? You don't have to do it. It's all optional. Okay, so that second example kind of went through what are the non-negotiables in my family that by default we are just finding ourselves doing? Do we want to keep doing those? Like, really ask yourself, "Do we wanna keep doing those?" And if not, cut them. Just be done with them Next example, third example. Kay is back. She says, "I have to go to the gym today." I'm gonna say, "No, you really don't." She says, "No, really, I do. If I don't, they'll charge me for missing the class." And I'm gonna say, "So, you can pay the fee." "But if I don't go, I'll feel like crap, and I won't have any time for myself." "Okay, there's the key there, right? There you go. You are choosing to go to give yourself valuable time to take care of your physical and mental health. That's really important. That's wonderful. That's wonderful." So when you kind of re-identify the real reason you wanna go, it's not because you're gonna get charged a $15 fee if you miss, okay? It's because you want that time to invest in yourself, in your own mental health, in your own physical health. That aligns perhaps with your personal value. Maybe your personal value is health, mental wellness, energy that aligns with you, that's important to you, so then keep doing it. By all means, keep doing it, and you can get rid of the I have tos Okay, let's go through another example. That example, example three, went through something that aligns with you personally, something that you personally find you really need to do in order to be your best self. By all means, do not get rid of those things. Okay, next example, example four. "I have to make dinner tonight." Now, we've already determined from above conversations with Kay that maybe she's the, the type of person who wants to really show up in a way that's healthy for her family. She wants to provide fresh, healthy food for her family. She values her health and the health of her family members. But then the next thing we can ask her if she's really stretched is, can she make it easier? "Can you make it easier?" So you've identified these things that you do truly wanna continue to do for yourself and your family. You wanna continue to invest time, money into it, but can you make it easier? Can you get really kind of creative and curious here? So let's take dinner, for example. Could you get take-and-bake meals at least one night a week, something where the grocery store has this basically already prepared for you, and you just take it home and throw it in the oven? Could you hire someone to cook for you a couple nights a week? Could you make a different person each night in your household responsible for the meal? Could you do one night per week that is something that's not cooked? In our house, we like to call this a spread, where we just set out crackers, cheese that's cut up, some salami, l- veggies, hummus, cut-up fruit. This is, like, a really fun meal, but it's super easy. Nobody's cooking anything. We're all just cutting it up and throwing it on cutting boards. Easy grab-and-go foods. Um, what if you're someone who likes to host family gatherings, and you've always done it in a way that's like, "Okay, the house has to be perfectly clean and decorated, and I make all the food, and..." You get the idea. It's a lotta work. You do not have to do that, okay? You can have family gatherings in a way that decreases the burden on you, where everybody brings something, and everybody just deals with your messy house, okay? Everybody is gonna thoroughly enjoy that because the goal of getting together is getting together with each other and having community and conversation and a lot of fun. So decrease the burden on yourself, make it easier, and have everybody bring something, and don't worry about the house Okay. I want to kind of wrap this up with a couple things here. There is a quote by the filmmaker George Lucas, which is, "We are all living in cages with the door wide open." I love that quote, 'cause so many times we feel kind of imprisoned in the schedule of our life. I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to do this, and it's, like, so heavy and stressful. You are in a cage with the door wide open. You can walk out at any time. You can say no. You can decide not to continue to do things. It is all optional. I also love this quote, and I'm not sure who this is attributed to, but, "Everything you're not changing, you're choosing." Okay? So if you really are finding that you're doing things and you don't even know why anymore, you're, you're just by default over-scheduled, stressed, overly busy, if you're not changing those things, you are choosing that lifestyle. Now, sometimes after pondering all this, you'll redecide that, yes, indeed I do want to choose all of this. I do. I, the, all of this is non-negotiable for me. All of this aligns with what I want to be doing. Wonderful. Then that, it really helps your mindset shift from the I have to kind of imprisonment to the, oh, I am, I really do want to do these things. I want to be the type of person who, dot, dot, dot, fill in the blank. Now other times, after consideration, you may decide, "I really don't wanna do some of these things anymore. It's not serving me anymore. At one time it made sense, but now these things that I'm involved in are not serving me anymore, and they're only adding to my time scarcity and my stress." Then get rid of those things or make them easier. You've only got one life, okay, and you've only got 24 hours a day in each day. So is this really how you want to live your life? If it is, wonderful. Drop the I have tos. If it's not, then drop the things that you're doing that are unnecessary. To review, you really don't have to do anything. Okay? So number one here, in going through the I have tos, number one, determine your large non-negotiables. For you, that might be work, your children, taking care of your parents, home maintenance, et cetera. Shift your mindset towards those things that are non-negotiable. Shift your mindset from the I have tos to I want to be the type of person who is an excellent parent. You're choosing to do these things. Number two, what are your extra things that are negotiable? What are your negotiables? Do they still make sense? Does all this sports practice still make sense? Do, do all these volunteer meetings still make sense to you? If not, guilt-free, cut them out. Number three, what things are sacred to you personally? What do you need to feel like you, your essential self? What aligns with your personal values? Okay. And that could be exercise. It could be a hobby, like woodworking. Uh, Gretchen Rubin, who has the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast says, "I have to read." She's an avid reader, and she says, "I just absolutely have to spend some time each day reading or I will not do well." Okay. So is that... Do you have one of those things? Is it exercise? Is it reading? Is it a hobby? Is it talking on the phone with your best friend? Whatever it is, keep those things sacred and don't say, "I have to." And number four, what things can I make easier? So maybe these things are non-negotiables for you, but there's a way that you can make them easier. Food prep, carpooling, automating things. There's, uh, ways that you can be creative to make them easier If you take one thing from this episode, it is this: it's all optional. It truly is all optional, and it's fun to consider that and realize how many of the things we complain about we really truly do want to do. "I have to" keeps you in victim mentality. It keeps you tired and behind and disempowered. So renew your enthusiasm for your own life. Um, renew the decisions that you're making by rethinking, "Do I really wanna do this? Yeah. Yeah, actually, I really do wanna be doing this. Um, I wanna be the type of person who..." Dot, dot, dot, fill in the blank. It renews your excitement for your own life. All right, friends, until next week, stay upright, find the good, and if you can't find the good, at least make it funny. You can find me at bethrepp.com, hello@bethrepp.com, or Beth Repp Coaching on Facebook. And finally, the legal disclaimer. The content presented in this podcast is for general information only. Reliance on the information provided is done at your own risk. I can't wait to see you next Tuesday for episode 10 of Up and Not Crying. Have a wonderful week, everybody