Welcome to Up and Not Crying. This is your host, Beth Repp. I am an MD and certified life coach. Up and not crying is a Norwegian phrase that you would give in response to someone asking, "How are you today?" You can say, "I'm up, and I'm not crying so far." In this podcast, you will learn self-improvement and coaching tools to engineer your mindset, your mood, and your schedule. We make your real life feel better. In this episode, episode 11, we're gonna talk about setting your personal expectations and boundaries. And this is setting expectations and boundaries within your relationships, so with people that you're in relationships with, and also with your work. You can think of setting expectations and boundaries as your basic rule book that allows you to live in a healthy way, in a physically healthy way, in an emotionally healthy way, and in a mentally healthy way. So these are not fluffy preferences. This isn't, like giving someone an extensive Christmas wish list, or, "I really would like for my birthday for you to bake a cake, take me to dinner, and buy me five presents." This is not a fluffy wish list. This is not expectations that are just your own personal preference that's really not causing a problem. Like, you know, you want the dishwasher loaded in this perfect Tetris style, but perhaps if the other person is simply loading the dishwasher and getting some housework done, you can compromise on that. So this is not fluffy preferences. The- these are your basic expectations and limits that we place so that we can live in our most healthy way, and to actually really improve our relationships with other people and with our work. So this is a way that we communicate with other people how we would like to be treated. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. This is the way that we communicate to people, "This is the way that I'm gonna be treated." Okay. So the benefits of setting expectations and boundaries is to improve your relationship with other people, with your work, and with your schedule. And we often think of setting a boundary as kind of a negative thing. It's kind of this, ugh, anxiety-provoking thought. But really, when you think about it as a way to further up-level your relationships with other people and to up-level your work, it becomes a more positive, thing that we all wanna do. It also allows you to take back your power, to regain control and agency over your own life, to stop living in this victimy way where you're kind of like, "Well, everybody treats me bad, and I just have to do all the work, and I do everything, and, complain, complain, complain." It allows you to take back your control. How do you know if you need to set boundaries? You know when you are feeling chronically overwhelmed, resentful, or avoidant, when you have this feeling of just like, "I wanna drop everything and flee. I wanna be done. I wanna be done with this job. I wanna move. I wanna move away from all these people that are demanding so much of me." You just want to be- avoid everything or drop everything and flee Setting and expressing boundaries can be really hard. It comes with a lot of negative emotions: anxiety, fear, and guilt. We often don't say anything for years because of this. Our guilt makes us think we are totally wrong for expressing these needs. But it is worth the short-term discomfort of anxiety, fear, and guilt for long-term improved relationships and long-term improved work situations. The best book that I have found for boundaries is the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab, T-A-W-W-A-B. Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Tawwab, and she says multiple times through the book, "Discomfort is part of the process." And this is a quote. She says, "The question I'm asked, I'm asked most often is, 'How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?' There is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries. Guilt is part of this process." Okay, so let's walk through first, how do we set expectations and boundaries with other people? And then after that, we're gonna talk about setting expectations and boundaries with your work. So how do we set them with people? Number one, first, identify what you're feeling around this person and get really clear then on what you want. Sometimes we can just get so frustrated and in such a spiral of negative emotion and irritation that we don't even know the exact thing that's setting us off anymore. So get really clear on what the true issue is. "I'm feeling resentment becau-" And you're just saying this to yourself at this point. You're just identifying for yourself what's going on. "I'm feeling resentment because I'm always the one," blah, blah, blah. Fill in the blank. Number two, first express, express things as a preference or a request. So remember from previous episodes, we cannot change other people. Other people change only if they themselves want to change. But it is worth having open conversations and open communication with the people in your life about your preferences, because most of the people in your life will want to have a healthy, happy relationship with you, and they will want to rise to meet you there. So don't underestimate how much people will want to do to improve their relationship with you. Express things first as a preference or request. "I would really appreciate it if," that kind of thing Number three, use I statements. So I would really appreciated it if you could give me a heads-up about a change of plans in advance, rather than you need to stop flaking out at the last minute. Okay? So use I statements. I would really appreciate it if. Number four, let that person have their response. So let them show you if anything is going to be different. And a lot of times you'll be pleasantly surprised, because like I mentioned before, the people you surround yourself with often want to have a good relationship with you. Oftentimes they don't even know what's going on or what your preference is when you're just stewing in silence. So let them have their response. Be pleasantly surprised when things do change. But if they don't change, then we go on to number five. If nothing changes in the relationship, then move to a you can, but I will statement, or if you, then I statements. I've mentioned this before, remember, we cannot change anyone if they don't wanna change, so at this point we are recognizing that things are probably not gonna change. We are now recognizing we have had a discussion with someone expressing our preferences that has not resulted in that person changing any of their behavior, so now we need to focus on us and what we will do. So here are some examples. "You can call me anytime, but if I answer and I can tell that you're drunk, I'm gonna end the conversation." So you're taking control only of what you're doing. You're not saying, "Don't call me when you're drunk." Okay? Another example, "You can come for family dinner whenever it works for you, but if you come late, we will have already eaten." Instead of saying, "You need to show up on time. You're making us all wait, and the food is cold." You can speak to me however you decide, but if you address me like that, I will leave. Okay? So instead of saying, "You can't talk to me like that," you're allowing this person to do whatever they're gonna do. You're not telling them what they can or can't do, but you're now saying, "If you continue to do that, this is what I will do." I'm controlling me. Number six, be consistent and manage your emotions. So uphold these same boundaries. You don't wanna say it once and then never again, because those people might think you were just having a bad day or cranky. So the next time the person does this thing, they're rude, or they stand you up, or they come 40 minutes late, you follow through on what you said. You restate the boundary. There's no anger. You control you, and you follow through on what you said you were gonna do. This is similar to setting boundaries with toddlers. So when you're parenting toddlers, you want to give just firm, consistent, unemotional direction. So the best person I have ever seen do this is Supernanny. I used to love watching that show, 'cause she would give firm, clear instruction, and she would not get angry. She would not lose her cool. Dog trainers say the same thing. If you lose your temper, you've lost the game. So you wanna maintain your cool. You just restate the boundary, restate what you will do, and then you do it. You want calm, assertive energy Okay. So, let's talk about how do we set boundaries with our time? It's gonna be a similar process. First of all, identify what you're feeling when it comes to your schedule or your work. Are you feeling overwhelmed, chronic stress? Are you feeling avoidant, the sense that you just want to escape everything? Number two, then identify what does my ideal day or week look like? And you can refer back to one of the previous podcasts that was the ideal Tuesday. So if you think ahead to a year from now, two years from now, three years from now, on this particular Tuesday, do I want my life to look exactly like this? And if the answer is yes, and you want it to look like this and continue to feel the overwhelm, then God bless. Keep doing it. But if you want your ideal day to feel and look different, then we have to start to identify what the changes need to be. So number three, look over your schedule and identify anything extra that you no longer want to do. So this could be extra meetings, extra volunteer activities, extra hobbies, extra work activities, anything that you no longer want to do that is taking up space on your schedule. Number four, look at your work schedule and identify the pain points. So is your morning bleeding over into your whole lunch break, so you're not getting a break, you're not getting to eat, you're not getting to go to the bathroom regularly? Do you have a pile of work to do after your main work is done during the day, so you're consistently getting home late? This is really common with doctors. So doctors will book their whole day with seeing patients face-to-face, and then at the end of the day, they have piles of charting to do or messages to get back to or emails, medication tasks. There's a whole pile of work to do at the end of the day if they have spent the whole day super scheduled. Number five, then identif- so we've identified the pain points. It's either we're not getting lunch, we're getting home really late at night. And then start to work that backwards and say, "Well, what's causing that? Am I overscheduled? Do I have too many patients in the morning? Do I have a patient, too many patients scheduled right before lunch? Do I need to block that time? Do I have too many patients scheduled in my whole day? If I cut back a few patients, maybe I could keep up with my charting better, or I could keep up with the inbox and the emails." And then number five, start to ask yourself, "Do I need extra help or less work? Can I delegate some tasks? Can I request more help? Do I need to set a different limit on the amount of work on my plate? Do I need extra help or do I need an overall decreased volume of work number six, then this is the hard part. This is the hardest part, and this is true for both communicating with your workplace, but also communicating with places that perhaps you're volunteering for or groups that you're a part of that you are identifying as kind of extraneous at this point. You need to communicate this. So remember, it's not actually hard to log onto your computer, open your email and type words. It's our thoughts about that that make it really hard. So we've got this whole hurricane of thoughts, like, "They're gonna think I can't handle it. They're gonna think I'm so demanding. I'm such a diva. Everyone else can handle this schedule. Why can't I? They're gonna be so annoyed. They're never gonna say yes to this. They're gonna be so annoyed that I said yes that I could volunteer for this, and now I'm telling them no." On and on. You've got this whole hurricane of thoughts. You need to just stop that for the moment. You have identified that your current situation is no longer sustainable. You've identified the pain points and a possible solution. So now all you're doing is typing words in an email, no emotion, no apology. You don't need to give long explanations, just calm energy. You're just being very clear with calm, assertive energy. Then number seven, you're gonna let them, like Mel Robbins says, let them have their response, let them think or do whatever they're gonna think and do, and let them get back to you. Now, I will tell you, I have almost always been delightfully surprised at this point. So just sending the email gives you such a sense of clarity and relief that the next part, no matter how they respond, is easier. In fact, a lot of times once you get to this point of sending the email or talking to someone face-to-face or saying, I can't do this anymore," however you are telling people that you're gonna start to delegate or start to maintain or take control of your schedule, the rest gets easy. The rest gets way easier. You will be so surprised by how often people are willing to work with you. So often it's our own unrealistic expectations keeping us locked into something. So what if they get back to you and say, "No problem." You're gonna say to yourself, "Why didn't I do this three years ago?" However, they may get back to you and say, "No, can't do it." So now we're moving on to number eight. You're gonna decide your next step. Remember, we've decided this is not sustainable for you. You have looked forward to two years from now, to, to a Tuesday from two years from now, and you've decided, "I can't keep living weeks like this or days like this over and over again." So now you're gonna move to a if you, then I statement. If this is the case, then I will statement If this continues to be my work schedule, then I am cutting back to three-quarters time. I will cut back to half time. I am submitting my resignation. I am searching for new opportunities. So again, this is not emotional, it's not angry, you're not gonna flood them with this whole email about all the wrongs they've committed and how much work you've put in and how you're not appreciated. No, you're just saying, "Okay, if that's the case, then this is what I am going to do. I am taking control." This is about taking back your power, having agency, and improving your relationship with your work. It's hard, but it is so worth it. It is worth the short-term discomfort for long-term satisfaction and joy in your relationships with people and your work. So let's review here. One, recognize when you're feeling overwhelmed, resentful, chronically frustrated, constantly stressed. Then we're gonna identify the pain points that are leading to those feelings. Then we'll identify our preferences for how to improve those pain points. Communicate those preferences to the other people in your life with I statements. "I would really appreciate it if..." "I really feel like my day would go better if..." Then you're gonna let them. Let them respond, let them show you how things are going to proceed. Many times, this is where it stops. Many times, this is all you need, and things immediately improve. But if nothing changes, then you're gonna move to an if you, then I situation. You'll say, "Okay, that's fine. It can continue like that, but now I will. If you continue to do that, I will do this. If the schedule remains like that, then I will." You are then gonna follow through on those statements, on those boundaries, on those expectations with no drama, no emotion. You're not going through this long, years-long laundry list of why you're resentful. You're just following through with no drama. You're gonna feel the feelings and do it anyways. Feel the fear, anxiety, and guilt, and communicate anyways, knowing that the way it has been going is unhealthy for you. You're not feeling good in these relationships. You're feeling frustrated and resentful. That's not a healthy relationship for you. It's unsustainable. So feel the fear and guilt, and do it anyways If you take one thing from this episode, it is this: there is no such thing as a guilt-free boundary. Oftentimes, we allow the guilt to keep us from communicatin- communicating anything, and that keeps us in this resentful, frustrated, stressed out, overwhelmed place. There is no such thing as a guilt-free boundary. If you have identified that something is not sustainable, you are gonna feel the guilt and communicate things in a healthy and clear, non-emotional way. All right, friends, until next week, stay upright, find the good, and if you can't find the good, at least make it funny. I wanna just share with you a parting funny story. A couple weeks ago, we were in Bemidji, Minnesota, and my husband and I were having a beer at Bemidji Brewing Company. And we see this guy going to leave, and he yells to, the bartenders, "Okay, thanks for everything, guys. See you the next time I'm in town." And a woman who was working at the bar was kinda crouched under the bar, and she was fixing something up under the bar with a set of tools, and she's totally unmoved by this, and she barely glances up at him with this totally straight face and says, "Okay, so tomorrow then?" And he kinda nods and goes, "Probably." Okay, guys, so we'll see you next week then. Hopefully you say probably. You can find me at bethrepp.com, hello@bethrepp.com, or Beth Repp Coaching on Facebook. And finally, the disclaimer. The content presented in this podcast is for general information only. Reliance on the information provided is done at your own risk. Until next week, everybody. Episode 12 next Tuesday.