Welcome to episode 14 of Up and Not Crying. This is your host, Beth Repp. I am an MD and certified life coach. Up and Not Crying, as you probably know by now, is a Norwegian phrase which people use in response to someone else asking, "How are you today? How's your day going?" You can say, "I'm up and not crying." It's a very realistic way to say, "So far so good. We're having low expectations, but doing overall okay." In this podcast, you will learn self-improvement and coaching tools to engineer your mindset, your mood, and your schedule. We make your real life feel better. In this episode, episode 14, we're going to discuss another way to get a little distance from a thought that's causing some suffering or holding you back. In previous episodes, we have talked about one type of thought work, which is the self-coaching model. And I know I've talked about that a lot, but that's where you kinda take anything that's happening to you, and you separate it into the five categories of circumstances, which are your basic facts, and then the thoughts you're having about them, the feelings you're having in your body, et cetera, et cetera. So that's one way to do thought work on a situation in your life. We're gonna talk today about a different way to examine your thoughts and to kinda question the things that are holding you back or thoughts that are causing you suffering. So this second tool is something called the work, and it was, invented or written about or described by Byron Katie. That's B-Y-R-O-N, Katie, K-A-T-I-E. She's the author of several books. One is Loving What Is, which is, the book where you can get this main information about doing the work. She's also written A Thousand Names for Joy and several other books. Byron Katie was someone who was really suffering from just paralyzing depression and anxiety. And similar to the story of Eckhart Tolle, who was really suffering, they just on their own discovered ways to question these really painful thoughts and ways to question what was holding them back, and then they came up with just these amazing, tools and written materials for us all to benefit from. So let's get right into it. Let's walk through what The Work is and what that entails. The first thing you're gonna do, which is similar to if you were gonna use the self-coaching model, is to just tell a story like you would a friend. You can just do this in your own mind or you can write it out, which is always super helpful. So you're gonna tell this whole dramatic story like you would to your best friend. Don't leave anything out. Don't try to edit it or make it look happy or positive. And then you're gonna find a thought in there, which is the thought that kind of is underlying this whole feeling of anger or resentment or fear or frustration or sadness. It's kind of the underlying thought on a loop that is causing the most pain for you. And then you're gonna walk through that thought. So say you come up with your thought, you're gonna walk through it with four questions, and then you're gonna turn around that thought in several ways. And I will go through a couple of examples here after I give you the basics. We're gonna go through two examples. So the first question you're gonna ask about this thought that's causing you pain is, "Is it true?" And that's just a yes or no answer. And oftentimes it feels very, very true. So oftentimes you're gonna say, "Yeah. Yeah, it's true." The second question is, "Can I absolutely know that this is true?" Again, this is a yes or no answer. And a lot of times when you pause and really think about it, that's when you start to see, well, maybe not. Maybe this isn't absolutely true. The third question is, "How do I react? What happens when I believe that thought?" So who am I when I'm thinking this thought? How do I react? What do I do? What are my actions? What are my feelings when I'm walking around believing this thought all day? The fourth question is, who would I be without this thought? If I no longer thought that thought, if I no longer could think that thought, if that thought disappeared from existing in my brain, then who would I be? How would I act? How would I feel? And then finally, we turn around the thought. So we're gonna look for other evidence, other things that could be equally true to the first thought. So the first is a turnaround to the opposite. I'll give you better examples of this, but you're gonna say, "Today is a terrible day." You turn around it to the opposite. "Today is a great day. Is that true?" And you kinda walk, through these different turnarounds. I'll teach you the three different turnarounds. So let's go through actual stories so you can get a better grasp on how this works. Okay, I'm gon- I'm making up this story, but I think that this is a story that is, pretty relatable from, a lot of my patients that I hear from, coworkers. This is just kind of a common story. So let's talk about caretaking, whether this is, an aging parent, a child, a disabled adult child, maybe a sibling, a sister or brother-in-law, someone that is relying on you to help care for them. Okay, and this is taking a lot of your time, a lot of your attention. You're trying to manage being a, an employee, and maybe you've got, children of your own or other children that need you. You're married. Your spouse, of course, needs some attention from you. You've got other things you want to be doing, like managing your own household or your hobbies. But this caretaking role is really intense and really primary, and it's taking a lot of time. And you're finding that over time, this person that you're caring for, maybe has come to really kinda take this for granted that you're gonna do all these things for them. So they're, becoming more demanding or maybe less appreciative in their thanks to you or, maybe they're outright, angry with you if you don't come right when they need you or you didn't do things exactly the way that they thought they should be done. So you're dealing with this person who you're giving an intense amount of time and effort and emotion to, and you're feeling like they're starting to just really not just expect it, but treat you badly even while you are doing it. I think probably a lot of people could relate to this, this caretaking thing. Okay, so maybe you're walking around- Thinking constantly, let's just use she in this, in this circumstance. She doesn't respect me or my time. Okay, so she This is kinda what's underlying this whole story that you're telling all the time. You're walking around thinking this all day, all week, for months at a time. She doesn't respect me or my time. So let's walk through the work. Is it true she doesn't respect me or my time? Yeah, it can feel really true, so you're probably gonna say, "Yes, it's true. She doesn't respect me or my time. She calls me and demands that I show up whenever she wants, and I'm supposed to Yeah, she'll call me at work. She wants me to drop everything. Yeah, she doesn't respect me or my time." Can I absolutely know that it's true that this person, this other person, does not respect me, does not respect my time? Can I absolutely know that that's true? If you give yourself some kinda time and some, a few deep breaths, you might be able to say, like, "Well, maybe I don't absolutely know that that's true, no." Then the next question, how do I react, what happens, when I believe the thought she doesn't respect me or my time? Well, I would feel angry, resentful. I would start to act immaturely and passive aggressively. I would maybe postpone going over there or get later and later going over there to do things or, you know, I do it with a bad attitude and do a lot of sighing and be really frustrated. It would definitely affect my connection with this person, who is probably one of my cl- the closest people in my life. It would interfere with my connection with them. Then I would start to feel really guilty, and I'd have a whole other whirlwind of emotions after that. Next question, who would I be without this thought? If I no longer thought she doesn't respect me or my time, if that thought was just gone from my head, who would I be? Well, I would feel lighter. I'd feel a whole lot more willing to help. I'd feel a lot more joyful when helping. I'd probably go a little bit above and beyond. I would f- just overall feel much lighter and happier throughout my day. Okay, so let's turn around this thought. You can turn around thoughts as many ways as you can get creative to turn them around, but the way that I kinda like to think about turnarounds is to the opposite, to the other person, and to the self, and I'll explain that. So in this thought, "She doesn't respect me or my time," the first way we're gonna turn that around is to the opposite. She does respect me and my time. Does that feel believable? I'm guessing it probably wouldn't when you're kinda going through this storm of storytelling and emotion So that's to the opposite. She does respect me and my time. The second one is to the other. So we're gonna turn this around to instead of she doesn't respect me or my time, I'm gonna say, "I don't respect her or her time." Does that sound true? I mean, I would guess not because you're, you are taking her life and time into account when you're helping. So probably that one's not really true. And then the final turnaround is to the self. So instead of saying, "She doesn't respect me or my time," this turnaround is, "I don't respect me or my time." And when I imagine myself in this circumstance, and when I'm imagining feeling this resentment and this constant overwhelm of having to take care of all these extra things, I can see where that could be really true. I don't respect me or my time. So the third one, in this case, resonates with me. So when walking through it, I'm, I might realize at this point that I have had very little boundaries with this person, that I've been sacrificing my time, sacrificing doing things that I would otherwise need to do or want to do for myself, I've been sacrificing that to make sure they're taken care of. And so I'm already just maybe overdoing it, not taking as good a care of my time, my schedule, my needs as I should be. And then when I feel on top of that unappreciated for it, it really is gonna set me off. So what I need to do is start to respect my own time, my own needs, my schedule first, get done what I need to get done, feel really solid about that, and then feel really solid about helping this other person. Then when they say or do things or act out or say negative things, I either will be a little less affected by what they say, 'cause I'm coming to it from a place that's more rested and more grounded, where my needs have been met, or I'll be in a stronger mental and emotional place to be able to set some boundaries on those interactions. So I'll be able to be in a place that's less resentful and fatigued and say, "Okay, you can ask me to do those things, you can make those demands, or you can insult me, but I want you to know I will no longer respond to you if you ask in that way. Or if you make demands like that, I'm not gonna respond. You can continue to do that, but I'm not gonna respond when you act like that." Instead of just continuing to walk around with this deep-seated resentment and frustration. All right, so let's go, let's move on to another story that, I think a lot of people can relate to. Let's do a work situation. Now, because I am a physician, this is where my perspective is, but I want you to apply this to whatever job you're in, okay? So say something went wrong, okay? So something went wrong in surgery, and you are the surgeon operating, or you were the scrub nurse in the room, or the circulating nurse in the room. You were the anesthesiologist, or something went wrong during your school day, and you were the teacher in the room. Something went wrong in a game, and you were the coach of the game. Something went wrong, okay? The underlying thought that can go through your mind over and over again is they think I am a terrible fill-in-the-blank doctor. They think I'm a terrible nurse. They think I'm a terrible teacher. They think I'm a terrible coach. They think I'm a terrible employee. So you're gonna, fill in the blank for whatever you are. They think I'm a terrible doctor. Is it true? Yes, it can feel very, very true in those moments where you're going through something acutely where you feel like something went wrong on your watch. It can feel very true that they think I'm terrible at what I do. Can I absolutely know that it's true that the mysterious they, in quotation marks, everyone else, they, the immediate people around you, can I absolutely know it's true that they think I'm a terrible doctor? I can't know that for sure. I can't absolutely know that that's true. How do I re-react? What happens when I believe this thought, this thought that everyone thinks I'm a terrible doctor? They all think I'm a terrible doctor. I feel shame. I just wanna curl in on myself. I want to hide. I want to avoid everyone. I definitely am not thinking of ways to continuously improve myself, to do more reading or, more, taking more classes or trying to constantly improve my skills or my, knowledge base. I'm not doing that. I'm feeling shame and, retreating from everyone. Who would I be without that thought? Without the thought, they think I'm a terrible doctor. If I can no longer think that thought, it just disappears, who would I be? And this is even in light of having had something go wrong or a complication or, or something like that. I would feel lighter. I would feel more able to look at things objectively. I would much more be able to do the next right thing. So do the next right thing to prevent that from happening the next time, do the next right thing to improve the situation as it is right now, to just do the next right thing objectively Let's go to the turnarounds. So the first turnaround is to the opposite. So right now the thought is they think I'm a terrible doctor, or whatever you are. We're gonna make that the opposite. They think I am a great doctor. Does that feel true? Probably in this situation it's not really gonna resonate. It's not gonna feel true. You're gonna turn it around secondly to each other. I think they are terrible employees, teachers, n- nurses, doctors, whatever. I think they are terrible doctors. It's prob- probably doesn't resonate in this particular situation. The third turnaround is to the self. I think I am a terrible doctor. I'm worried I'm a terrible doctor in this situation. I think I'm a terrible doctor. That's probably the one that's resonating. Okay? So that's really what's underlying all of this, they think I'm worried, everybody, what's everybody thinking. What's really equally believable to you right now, and that's probably also underlying all this, is your own insecurity. You, I think I'm a terrible doctor. Okay? So we wanna then take that thought and keep working on it. Okay, I think I'm a terrible doctor. Is that true? Are you a terrible doctor? Well, yeah, it feels really true. Are you absolutely sure that's true when you really start to think about it? Well, no, I, can't really say that I'm a terrible doctor. Everybody has complications. And then you can start to go through all the reasons why that's not absolutely true. You can start to go through the facts of the situation, just stick to the facts, and then start to make your next right steps in all of this drama and in all of this story, just the next right step. So it helps you to just get a little distance from these painful thoughts, get a little objectivity, and start to make your next right steps. Okay. To review, The Work by Byron Katie, she calls it The Work, is another way to do powerful work on your underlying thoughts that are causing you suffering, causing you pain, or holding you back, and there are five steps to The Work. There are four initial questions and then turnarounds. The four initial questions are, is it true? When you have identified this one underlying thought that you're ruminating on that's kind of in the background of your day-to-day life when you're going through something difficult, when you've identified that thought, the first question is, is it true? The second question is, are you absolutely sure it's true? Am I absolutely sure this thought is true? Third question, who am I? How do I react? What do I do when I think this thought? Fourth question, who would I be without this thought? And then we're gonna turn things around, and you can turn things around in as many ways as possible. You can get really creative with it, but you can turn it around to the opposite. You can turn it around to the other person or other people, or you can turn it around on yourself and just see if anything else is equally believable and if you can get a little distance from this painful thought. If you take one thing from this episode, it is this: just start to question your thoughts. Identify your underlying thoughts, identify what you're walking around with all day, and then just ask yourself, "Is that true?" Just doing that is gonna start to really help you distance yourself from painful stories. Is that true? All right, friends, until next week, stay upright, find the good, and if you can't find the good, at least make it funny. You can find me at bethrepp.com, hello@bethrepp.com, or Beth Repp Coaching on Facebook. And finally, the disclaimer: the content presented in this podcast is for general information only. Reliance on the information provided is done at your own risk. All right, everybody, until next week. I will see you next Tuesday for episode 15.