Welcome to Up and Not Crying. This is your host, Beth Repp. I am an MD and certified life coach. Up and not crying is a Norwegian phrase you would give in response to someone asking, "How are you today?" It is a small win to start your day, and from there we're gonna just keep getting better. In this podcast, you will learn self-improvement and coaching tools to engineer your mindset, your mood, and your schedule. We make your real life feel better. In this episode, episode 15, we are going to talk about self-limiting beliefs. So what is a self-limiting belief? If you just Google self-limiting beliefs, you'll, you'll find at the top under an AI-pulled result, uh, self-limiting beliefs are false assumptions or negative perceptions that we all hold about ourselves or the world. These mental barriers act as invisible rules that restrict our potential, block our personal growth, and prevent us from pursuing goals or taking healthy risks. So these are deeply held beliefs we hold about ours- ourselves, and we just walk around assuming that they are simply true. We assume that we have these characteristics about ourselves that are fixed and unchangeable. "This is just how I am. This is how I've always been. This is how my family is. This is genetics. Uh, I'll never be able to change this. This is who I am." This thinking or these thoughts about ourselves holds us back. So I'm gonna give you some, uh, examples of this, and I'm sure you have your own specific ones, but here are some examples. "I've never been athletic. I'm such a klutz. I have no musical ability. I'm not good at math. I'm a slow reader. I can't read a map. I'm not smart. I'm not good at languages. Obesity and diabetes runs in our family. There's not much I can do about it. I've tried losing weight before. Nothing I do works. I can't lose weight." There are many examples of this, but your beliefs about yourself can come from yourself or from others. So sometimes you've experienced something that maybe was painful or embarrassing, and then you just kinda stay with it. You know, I, I had an embarrassing moment in PE or gym class as a child, and I've just kinda stuck with it this whole time that I'm not good at sports, and I don't wanna try 'cause I know I'm not gonna be good at it. It also can come from other people, and these other people are often well-intentioned. They're not being vicious. This can be sometimes well-meaning family members when we're kids or coaches or teachers that will give kids a label that ends up sticking for life. So, um, each child in a family is often defined in relation to the other children, okay? So it's, it's subjective, but you'll say, you know, well-intentioned, maybe as a grandparent or as a parent, he's the funny one. She's the athletic one. He's the smart one, that kinda thing. Remember, these are all relative to the other children in the family, and perhaps maybe that was only true when the kid was seven years old. But at that one moment in time when that was said, that's kind of internalized by the ki- or can be internalized by a kid. Not always, but can be internalized, and then that just stays with you. Maybe at one moment in time, someone said to you, "You just don't put enough effort in," or, "This is just in you, isn't it?" Something like that. This is just one moment in time where maybe you didn't give your best effort. Maybe you were tired. Maybe you, uh, showed up late a couple times, and people just kind of assumed that this is just in you. So think back to those single moments in time when someone said something to you that kinda has deeply affected you and perhaps s- you still internalize to this day And now I want you to think of saying something, now as we're all adults, saying something to someone else. So maybe in an employee review or describing your own kids to friends or relatives. Um, and you don't intend to give anyone a life sentence, but just kinda be aware of how you describe people and how that seems totally harmless to you when you're saying it, but how certain people can really latch onto those things. So, so recognize that for two reasons. One is recognize what each of us says about someone else could potentially be something they really internalize and sticks with them for good, for good or bad. And then also recognize that maybe something you're holding onto from when you were 10 or 13 or 16 was really something that the person who said, you know, meant it harmlessly or maybe they were having a bad day or maybe you were having a bad day, and they didn't intend this to be a life sentence for you. So, um, just kinda give that a thought So the, the harm in this is if you think to yourself, "I'm not good at reading maps." Maybe you were handed a map a couple times as a kid, and you, you didn't understand it, and you weren't able to read a map. And, you know, someone got frustrated and said, "Ah, you can't read a map," and they hand it to someone else. Maybe you've internalized this. So what will you do the next time that you're handed a map? Say you are traveling in Europe, okay? And your child is frustrated and tired, and your spouse is overwhelmed with getting the luggage somewhere, and you're kinda the one that has to figure out where to go. And you're handed the Google, Google Maps or a paper map, and you have to figure this out. What happens if you have this thought, "I can't read a map"? You probably are gonna not put in much effort. You're probably gonna kinda have a little meltdown at that moment and hand it off to your spouse who's already overwhelmed. Okay, but what if you have never had the thought, "I can't read a map"? Maybe that's never occurred to you. Maybe you have this thought, "I'm great at reading maps." You are gonna take that phone, and you're gonna figure it out. You're gonna figure that map out, and you're gonna get people to where they need to go. What will you do if all your friends or all your family are gonna do a fun run? Okay, so they're gonna do a turkey trot fun run, and you have this deeply held belief about yourself that you have zero athletic ability, okay? You probably just won't go at all, or you will go and not enjoy yourself. You'll underperform because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy once you start to develop a thought like this, and it gets deeply ingrained. If you have never had the thought, "I am not athletic. I have zero athletic ability," if you've never had that thought, you will much more likely go participate in the fun run, even if you walk slowly. Who cares? And enjoy yourself. You'll take part. You'll take a picture with everybody. So has there ever been a time when you have been in a situation that feels completely free of all of these definitions? Um, during these times, it can be easier to try new things. We can shake off these old deep grooves of belief and behavior, and some, some examples come to my mind. So one can be summer camp as a kid. Now, I personally did not enjoy summer camp, but I was listening recently to, uh, the Kate McKinnon interview on Amy Poehler's podcast, and she said something about, "Oh, it's like summer camp as a kid. You can be anything. You can be anything you want during that summer camp." Uh, starting college can be another time of self-discovery and reinvention. Traveling, often when I'm traveling to a new place, this thought pops in my head of, "Who am I here? Who would I be here? If I were to live here, who would Beth be? Who am I here?" Uh, if you go through a major family change, getting a divorce or moving across the country, that can prompt some, some new shifts and changes. So that kinda shows you that we have the ability to shake off these old deep grooves or when in certain cir- circumstances, at least try some new things Um, now, so the, we, we know that these, um, self-limiting beliefs about ourselves can be very limiting, but self-limiting beliefs held by a group that you're part of can also be very limiting to you. Okay? So this has the potential to hold us back when other people inflict their own self-limiting beliefs on you when you're deciding to try something new or different, or something that they're not expecting you to do. So let's take, for example, um, you decide, um, to start to lose a few pounds and run a 5K, okay? And you are met with your friend group, who you usually meet every week for wings and beers. You're met with your friend group saying, "Oh, I see, you turned all West Coast on us. Hey, California. You're, you're too good for us now. You're probably not gonna come for wings and beers anymore." Those comments will tr- try to pull you back in to the habits of the group. Okay? Say you're trying to break a habit or a pattern. Maybe you wanna cut back on alcohol. You've always been the life of the party. You've always planned the parties. You've always been the last one to leave, but now you wanna start focusing on getting more sleep and parenting. So you might hear from your group, "What in the world? You got soft on us. Don't let him fool you. He's the one that's always been the life of the party. Here, take a beer. What, what is this? This is ridiculous. Come on, take a couple beers." Say you decide to become more educated, and maybe your, the area that you grew up or your family historically has not been educated. You may be met with some comments that are resistant to that, or the opposite. So say you come from a long line of doctors or bankers and you decide to pursue a non-traditional career path. You're gonna get some comments. So the things people say in these scenarios are always a reflection of what they think of themselves, of their own self-limiting beliefs, of their own, their own beliefs, their fears of being personally judged. So keep this in mind as you hear them say these insulting or frustrating things. Just let them have their reaction. Like Mel Robbins, let them have their emotions, their thoughts, their judgments about what you are doing. Let them spin out. Let them have their thoughts about themselves, and then you do what you're going to do. People will adjust. You continue on your path of self-improvement So what can we do about these self-limiting beliefs? Number one, as in all things that we talk about on this podcast, just simply become aware of your own set of limiting beliefs. These are- this is your list of unretten- unwritten definitions and rules about yourself. "This is just who I am. This is how I've always been. This is my genetics." But simply become aware. Number two, if you're comfortable in your grooves, by all means pull up a chair and stay there. You know, maybe you have tried a few times to go fishing with your family, and you're like, "That ain't me." You know? Like, "I've tried expanding my mindset about this. That ain't me." That's a-okay. Okay? But if you desire a change but feel that you are held, being held back by your own beliefs, you know, if you kinda have this, um, cognitive dissonance, like, "I, I kinda wanna change, but I don't feel like I... This is just who I am. But man, I would love to change this about myself. Uh, this is kinda torturing me, that I really, I really want to get my shit together, but this is just who I am. You know, I've always been a dollar short and a day late." If you desire a change, then I would suggest doing The Work on it. So refer back to episode 14, where we talked about Byron Katie's process of questioning your thoughts, which is called The Work. So to review that, you're gonna ask, first of all, is it true? Is this thought true? "I'm not good with money." Is that true? Usually you're gonna say, "Yeah, it's pretty true. I mean, there's a lot of evidence to show that I've been terrible with money." Number two, can I absolutely know that this is true, that I am terrible with money, destined to be terrible with money, will always be terrible with money? Can I absolutely know that that's true? "Well, no, I can't absolutely know that that's true." How do I react? What happens when I believe the thought, "I am terrible with money"? "Well, I'm likely to continue to make bad decisions around money." Who would I be without this thought? If I could remove this thought from my brain, never be able to think the thought, "I'm terrible with money," who would I be? Oh, well, I would probably learn more about money. I'd probably pick up a couple books, maybe make appointments to talk to people to learn more about money, maybe make a, a budget, maybe think about making a spreadsheet. If I couldn't think that thought, I would put some more effort into learning about money. And then you can refer back again to episode 14 to do the turnarounds. You can turn around the thought to, "I am good with money," or other creative ways to turn that thought around So we've thought we're, let's go back to what we can do about this. One, simply become aware. Two, if you're comfortable with your grooves, there's no need to change. But if you desire a change, first of all, do the work. Okay? We went through the steps of the work. And then turn to the science. So I wanna bring up this amazing book called Mindset. This was written by Carol Dweck, who, uh, is a long-term Stanford psychology researcher. The book is now 20 years old, but it is a must read. Uh, so again, it's called Mindset. Um, this is a book on the difference between what's called a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. Now, any teachers listening to this will be nodding their heads, because I notice these themes being used when I go in for Rachel's parent-teacher conferences. So I'm, I'm always really excited to see, um, things hanging around the room or the teachers talking about, um, honing in on the growth mindset, and I love it. Um, I think we'll go into this more in its own podcast episode, 'cause it really deserves more time. But just for this episode, the definition of a, of a fixed mindset is believing that your qualities are carved in stone. And the definition of a growth mindset is the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your own efforts, strategies, and help from others. So based on which one you have in a certain scenario, you will have entirely different thoughts and actions following an event, and those thoughts and actions will take you down an entirely different road. So in the same circumstance, um, if you, if something happens and you have a fixed mindset about it, you will act a certain way. And alternatively, in the same circumstance, if you have a growth mindset about it, you will act in an entirely different way, and it'll take you down an entirely different road to have a different result in your life A growth mindset can be taught. So on page 59 of this book, she says, "One day we were introducing the growth mindset to a new group of junior high students. All at once, Jimmy, the most hardcore, turned off, low-effort kid in the group, looked up with tears in his eyes and said, 'You mean I don't have to be dumb?' From that day on, he worked. He started staying up late to do his homework, which he never used to bother with at all. He started handing in assignments early so he could get feedback and revise them. He now believed that working hard was not something that made you vulnerable, but something that made you smarter." Uh, let's talk about some exam- an example of an athlete with each one of these mindsets. So, um, John McEnroe is unfortunately kind of thought of as one of the athletes with a fixed mindset. So he was gifted with this extraordinary, um, natural athletic talent in tennis, but he often blamed external factors, the referees, um, the people he was playing against when anything went wrong, instead of looking at what he contributed and ex- in- instead of expanding his own, um, um, qualities. So he struggled to cope with any setbacks and struggled to put in the time into unglamorous practice and skill development. Now, compare that with an athlete with a growth mindset, and the person who is, uh, most often cited as an example is Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he used that rejection to fuel this just unbelievable work ethic, constantly improving his skills rather than relying on natural ability So to review, become aware of your own self-limiting beliefs. Ask yourself, "Is this specific thing something I would like to change?" And if so, do the work on it. Is this thing about me that I've said for years that I hold to be true, is it actually true? Who am I when I believe this thought? Who would I be without this thought? And then turn to examples of people who have exhibited a growth mindset to do the hard work of changing and improving themselves, and then look at the results they've gotten in their life. If you take one thing from this episode, it is this. It's the same one as last week, same takeaway as episode 14. Is it true? Just start to question all these deeply held automatic beliefs you have about yourself. Are they true? All right, friends, until next week, stay upright, find the good, and if you can't find the good, at least make it funny. You can find me at bethrepp.com, hello@bethrepp.com, or Beth Repp Coaching on Facebook. And finally, the disclaimer. The content presented in this podcast is for general information only. Reliance on the information provided is done at your own risk. Until next Tuesday, everybody, have a great week.