Ep 9: To All The Boys I've Sh*gged Before

This is the dating history of me in my 20s - the messy, funny, slightly cringe truth of it, and the patterns that ran underneath every single guy on that list. This is designed as an episode to provide a reference point for when I talk about how tragic my dating history is in my other episodes and why I decided it was essential for me to learn to rewrite my patterns.

What you'll walk away with:

Why I kept choosing people who liked me more than I liked them
The "cool girl, zero expectations" act I ran for the best part of a decade (and what it cost me)
The first time I held a boundary and how genuinely good it felt
The corrective experience that changed my expectations, before I even had the language for "default settings"

Day 23 of my 30-day build-in-public challenge. Come find me on Instagram: @shiftwithmaddi

Closing question: if you asked your friends what dating pattern they'd call out in you - what would they say? Tell me in the comments, I want to know I'm not the only one...

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Hello and welcome to episode nine of Shift with Maddie. My name is Maddie, obviously, and I am your host. Shift with Maddie is a podcast for the girlies who are in their figuring it out era. I moved to Australia two and a half years ago after I realized something needed to change, and I just didn't quite know what that was. I spent two and a half years going balls deep in identity work, figuring out who I am, my habits, why I show up the way that I do, really focusing on some key areas of my life, and now I just want to share everything that I'm learning. I've got information from my psychology degree, from all of the books I've been reading, the podcasts, conversations I've been having, therapy, so many things that I think would actually just help the girlies live their best lives. And I want you to have this from someone who is currently doing it. I'm not preaching from a mountaintop, I'm not someone who has got everything figured out. I am here in the journey with you guys. And if there's anyone who wants to feel like they're firstly getting some tips that might be helpful, and secondly, just chatting to a slightly unhinged friend, then you are in the right place, girly pops. So today's episode is gonna be a little bit different, and I've got a couple of first-time things that I'm trying out here. So the first reason it's gonna be different is because I am gonna be talking a little bit about my past, my dating history. Now, for anyone who has been listening to this podcast, you know that I often reference my identity work as stemming from a discomfort with my romantic relationship. So I often say I was really tragic at dating in my 20s, I was single for most of my 20s, and then I did some identity work and I managed to rewrite a really core pattern in my life, which I believe I still have to this day. So it actually really worked. But what I want to do is I actually want to give you a little bit of context behind what I mean when I say that I was bad at dating in my 20s. So for this episode, you can expect to get a little bit of oversharing, a little bit of kind of reviewing my patterns from a more healed version of myself, but being super honest with where I was at because it was such a huge part of my life. And for anyone who's listening to this who either currently or has struggled with relationships in the past, whether that's romantic or friendships or family, you know that your ability to connect with people is so important, and you know how difficult and how frustrating and how upsetting it is when you don't know how to do that effectively. And so that is what I'm gonna talk about today. I'm gonna be telling you about my past, I'll be giving you a couple of funny anecdotes, because honestly, when I say that my dating in my 20s was colourful, I mean it. I'm not gonna completely overshare right now. There's not gonna be like anything graphic or anything like that. However, Dad, Andrew, if you're listening to this one, maybe this one is not the one for you. You could probably just turn this one off now. But what I'm also gonna be doing is pointing out some of my patterns which I saw show up again and again in my life, and how they manifested in a dating capacity. So ready yourself, girls. Get yourself a coffee or a glass of wine wherever you're at, whatever time of day you're listening to this. Even though if you want to drink wine in the morning, I'm not gonna judge you. I ain't judging, girl. And let's get into it. One thing I thought would be really cool for this episode, and it's something I've never done before, is I actually spoke to some of my friends. So I have a lot of really long-standing friendships, and I have a lot of friends who have seen me through very different stages of my life, and I actually reached out to a few of them and asked them to voice note me a story or a behavior or like how my dating looked to them when we were friends way back when. And honestly, I didn't think they were gonna remember so much. Like, I'm gonna actually, if I can technologically figure out how to do this, which I'm gonna back myself, I think I can, I'm gonna actually put some of their voice notes in this episode so that you can hear what they had to say about my dating escapades of the past. As usual, there'll be a tiny sprinkle of psychology because I'm a psychology graduate, I'm a psychology nerd, and I love to know why I do things, especially when I'm reflecting on my own patterns. So I will put a couple of psychological insights that I've learnt since having these patterns, but also this is really just an opportunity for me to say in future episodes when I'm like my romantic relationships were trash, be like, by the way, if you haven't listened to it, go to episode nine, and you'll know what I mean about my romantic relationships were trash. So without further ado, let's get into today's episode. Now, up until I went to Australia and did my identity work, my dating has been consistently trash, and I'm gonna take you through the different steps of it and kind of how I grew gradually, but how I just kept sabotaging myself with the same patterns. So I was single all throughout school. I never had a boyfriend in middle school, in high school, and I never really noticed anyone paying me attention. And if they did, I it just completely went over my head. I had crushes on guys, but I was never brave enough to actually tell them. So I I did not date at all when I was in high school. And when I got to college or sixth form as we call it here, I ended up in my first relationship with this guy. I'm not gonna use names in this episode because I don't think it's fair, have not got their consent lol, not reaching out to my ex from like 12 years ago, like by the way, so let's just call him Paul. I don't know why I chose Paul, completely unrelated. But me and Paul met through college. He was definitely a lot more interested in me than I was in him. He was like putting in the work to be in a relationship, and at the beginning I really didn't have much interest, but it was kind of one of those where you know when someone sticks around long enough that eventually you're like, well, at this point, shall we just be boyfriend and girlfriend? And I won't lie, it was actually quite a nice experience. Like, we weren't compatible and it only lasted about eight or nine months, but it was my first experience of a relationship, and also I lost my virginity to this guy. It was a really nice way to do that, like he treated me well, but looking back, something I realized I did, and something that I kind of kept repeating going forward as well, is that I was always holding this guy at arm's length. I never liked to be in any sort of relationship where I felt like I cared more than the other person. That made me really, really uncomfortable and vulnerable. And I remember I made the decision to break up with him quite quickly. It was quite impulsive. And we sat down on my bed, I delivered the breakup speech, he was really upset. I felt a little bit upset, but then honestly, within a couple of days, I was over it, and I realized looking back it was because I never actually let this guy in in the first place. Like he was always very much over there, and he really liked me, but I didn't really reciprocate that and it felt safer that way. And I saw that pattern kind of show up later as well, which I'll talk about. So that was high school, and then when I went to university, I went through what I think we can now call a hoe phase. And girls, I have this age-old saying, okay, never skip a hoe phase, and I fucking stand by that to this day because even though, as I'm about to break down, there were definitely some not so healthy beliefs and patterns driving my behaviour. The actual hoe phase itself, I feel like it's character development, you know. I feel like it is I was very much doing it for the plot, and my plot was thick during these years. Like honestly, I had a good time, so no regrets. However, however, throughout uni, I didn't date anyone long term whatsoever. I had very short-term situationships or one-night stands, essentially. I was just hooking up with people. This is where, if I can actually make it work, I am going to put in the first voice note from my friend. Now, Heather is someone that I still love to this day. I'm about to go and visit her in Edinburgh. In fact, by the time this posts, I might be in Edinburgh because I'm doing it in advance. No, no, I think that'll be the week after. Anyhow. Anyhow anyhow lol, that was me. But me and Heather lived together during university. So she definitely saw a lot of my dating escapades from there. So I'm gonna let Heather take this one and just tell you what she remembers.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

I think what I remember from you in your 20s um throughout university were either going out, getting with guys. I think I remember you being relatively quite secretive about it, you know. Guys were snuck out the next day, or if you had like a regular, then you know, he wasn't introduced to us in the house. It was very much like kept on the down low.

SPEAKER_03 8:27

Thank you, Heather. So basically, I actually was quite surprised she said this because I didn't remember myself being very secretive about my one-night stance. But actually, when she said that, I do remember there were a couple of guys from various sports teams and stuff, or like friends of friends, where I would sneak them out the next day, and people wouldn't even know that anything had happened unless they caught me or I told them later, because I would always come clean in the end. Because I think what really was happening then was I was very much like president of the pole dance society, energetic, out a lot, and I really enjoyed having that sort of front of being that fun single friend and the one who was always flirty. My friends loved hearing my dating stories, I felt exciting, but I think a lot of the truth behind that behaviour was that I didn't want people to see how much it affected me that I was single and that I seemed to be unable to find a relationship. I was watching a lot of my friends get in relationships or at least have long-term dating situations where they were like getting to know someone, whereas I really was getting to that two, three date sort of hookup stage and then gone. And I remember always thinking, I'm so good at making friends. I have some really healthy, secure friendships, and I have a really good relationship with my family. So why the fuck am I so bad at getting in relationships? When I was planning this episode earlier, I put my content into Claude, my trusty AI companion, and I said, look, just ask me any questions where you think there are gaps missing. And one of the questions he asked was, What were you feeling when you were looking at other people getting in relationships? And he suggested envy, and I did feel envy. I was quite jealous when I saw people happy in relationships. I used to struggle being around people who were in relationships because I always just felt jealous, like, oh why not me? But I think the main feeling I felt was frustration at the fact that I didn't understand why. Because it wasn't like I couldn't connect with people. I've always been a very good connector. I've always been very good at, like I said, making friends or being good in groups. Like I could walk into a room and come out with 10 new friends. Like I never had a problem connecting with people. So I think the main feeling that came up for me was just pure frustration at the fact that I didn't understand what I could do to find a boyfriend. Like it was like I can't control. I just didn't know what the next step was. And so that was my uni days. And I remember through uni and also through my early 20s, when I look back now, I can see a really, really clear pattern of what I used to do. So I remember one really specific example which I'm gonna tell you about, where I went back to Norwich for Easter break at one of my years in uni, and I went out with one of my home friends. We went out on the town, you know, all dressed up looking cute, and we bumped into this guy. This guy was clearly interested in my friend, but it got to the point where my friend was quite evidently too drunk to like she was not in a good way. And so he kind of shifted his attention to me. That was probably my first downfall. He obviously wanted to get with my friend, but I was like, oh no, he likes me now. Haha, he changed his mind. And so I ended up going home with this guy, and we were having a chat, and more than a chat, obviously, at all. And then I remember really trying to play it cool. I was like, yeah, no, I'm totally cool with this. I don't mind if this is just a one-night thing. And he was quite clear in his intentions. He was like, Look, I'm not looking for anything serious. But I was like, yeah, no, me leave. Deep down I was like, damn it. But I went along with it. And I remember this guy, he said, I'm gonna need you to leave before the morning. He'd already set that out clearly before I got there. So I knew what was coming. And I said, Yeah, that's fine. Again, trying to play the cool girl. And then we did stuff, and then afterwards he started talking about this girl that he clearly was still in love with. Like he was like, Oh, I really miss her, and like this happened and that happened. He was literally using me as his therapist. And instead of me being like, This seems like a really inappropriate thing to be saying to someone you've just slept with, I was actually being there for him. I felt like by him disclosing this, we were connecting, and I took that as us getting to know each other. And then when the time came for me to leave, in my head, I was like, Oh, well, we've connected so much now that probably he's gonna turn around and be like, no, please stay. Obviously, that didn't happen. Instead, he was like, Can you go? And then I started to get a bit moody, like, fine, I'll go. And in my head, I thought that we were having this big connection moment and that things had changed, but realistically, what had happened is that I had allowed myself to fill that position for him. So he kind of got out of that guilt-free, and I ended up completely compromising everything that I wanted to please someone else in a desperate attempt to try and connect with someone. And years later, when I reflected back on some of the behaviour I had in my early 20s, I realized that I was trying to make myself as small as physically possible because I thought that if I was the easiest person to be around, if I was the person with the least needs, if I was the person that didn't ask for anything and it was really, really low effort, that that would mean someone would want me to stay because I wasn't taking up any extra space. They'd be like, oh, well, this girl's so easy to be around that obviously it's a really great relationship and that she should stay. And that was kind of my mentality, and I saw that repeat quite a few times, where I didn't just minimize my needs, I actually neglected them entirely. I did not even acknowledge the fact that I had needs. I was there to serve other people and their needs and to make their life as easy as possible. And I'm gonna cut in here with a voice note from my best friend Laura, who lives in France, who I'm also going to visit next week. I'm just doing a bit of a road trip. Basically, all the people who voice noted me, I'm actually going to visit in the next two weeks. They were still very good friends. I lived with Laura for three years after university, so we were friends in uni, and then for three years after. So this was probably my most unhinged era. Laura has seen some shit. And when I asked her to voice note me, I had to be really specific about like, please be careful about the types of stories you're telling. Like, maybe one day I'll share some of my most unhinged stories, but today is not that day. There is only so much one girlie can share in one episode, okay? But let me tell you, my past was colourful and Laura has seen it all. However, I'm gonna play this voice note because she sent this to me and it kind of hit the nail on the head. Like, kinda you know, when someone just sees you a little bit too clearly and a little bit too well, and I was like, okay, Laura, rude. She then sent me a message after, like, I hope that wasn't too harsh. And I was like, it was true. So I'm gonna play this to you because this kind of summarizes that era and what I was in.

SPEAKER_02 14:52

Hi, Gary. There is lots I could mention, of course. Uh, but what I feel would be the most interesting is that back then, while you came across as having a lot of confidence in yourself, you're very good at approaching new people, you've always been good at that for as long as I've known you. Um, I don't think that always translated to relationships for you. I saw you doubt yourself, I saw you shrink yourself at times with some people, I think that also affected your choice of partner sometimes. You are a very caring person. Helping others has always been part of your personal life, it's been part of your professional life for the majority of it. But I think that romantically you tended to go for people that you could lift rather than people that would lift you. Um I don't know if you needed to be needed, I don't know if there's no pattern at all. Um that that's that's kind of up to you to to dissect and figure out. But I feel that the more you've been at peace with yourself, the more you've worked on yourself, um, the more you've been able to relax in relationships and also be more of an equal partner relationship, uh, if that makes sense, rather than being the person who lifts the other person.

SPEAKER_03 16:36

Thank you, Laura, lovely girl. Like I said, I repeated this pattern a few times, but going back to what I said earlier about never skip a hoe phase, which, like I said, still one of my mantras, I don't necessarily regret all of this because I do think that I have learned so much about myself during these periods, probably a lot as well, since these periods, when I had to reflect on these times, when I had to reflect on my behaviours. But I don't regret any of this. I'm not saying this with feelings of shame or feelings of sadness. I'm honestly sharing this because when I was in that place, what I would have loved is for someone to know what I was feeling and to feel like someone understood what I was feeling. Because a lot of people will say, Oh, you'll find the right person when it's time, or the right person just needs to come along, or oh, don't worry, girl, you're amazing. You don't need to worry about them anyway. And it will be really well-intentioned. Like a lot of my friends who were in relationships or who didn't struggle with the self-esteem issues that I did really wanted to help me, but they simply did not understand. They did not understand why I was doing what I was doing. And so I'm kind of sharing this. One, so when I'm talking about my romantic relationships, you know that I really was unhinged. But also, some people might see themselves in this, and I want you to know that you're not alone. I know how you feel. And also, like I said, I don't regret my stories. I had a lot of fun. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and gives you great stories, okay? Like I actually did have a lot of fun in these years. When I was thinking about Laura, I remember this one time that us two went out with a couple of friends, and one of our friends had matched with someone on Tinder. And so I remember we went to the bar and my friend had messaged the guy saying, Oh, we're sat at this table, and then they came over and introduced themselves, him and all his friends. We ended up having this really fun night out together. Turns out my friend wasn't actually interested in the guy in the end, so she texted me, like, oh, you can get with him if you want. And I did. And then we ended up hooking up a couple of times more, and I actually remember the year before I moved to Australia, he randomly messaged, like, I'm having a night out in Nottingham, do you want to join? And I was like, Yeah, I do, because I was still a little bit unhinged at that point. Like, I have some really funny stories, and I'll share a couple more as well. Like, I don't want this to be all doom and gloom. Even though some of my patterns were probably not the healthiest, God did I have fun. God, did I have some wild nights where I was like, hello, I'm gonna remember this when I'm old. So anyway, this brings us to my mid-20s when I got in my first relationship since that one that I had in high school. So I was single for about no, not high school, sorry, um, college. So I was single for about six years, ever since Paul, the guy that we're calling Paul. And then I met Jared. I don't know why I went for Jared. Again, these names are just coming to me like they're not related whatsoever. So I met Jared at work and it was kind of a similar story to Paul, where he was much more interested in me than I was in him, and we ended up eventually getting into a relationship because he just showed so much interest that I was like, oh well, this is kind of refreshing. This is a nice change to guys who ghost me after two nights. Maybe I'll give this a go. And again, it was lovely in the sense that I never had to doubt that he was into me. I think that is what I've had in common with a lot of the people I've dated, that I never have to worry that they're not into me, because I don't really allow people to come close enough until I know that they're devoted, that they really, really aren't gonna I don't like there to be an element of risk, it turns out. And that's really something I've had to address. Because obviously, if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, then you're not gonna allow yourself to be truly happy either. Anyway, I'm not gonna go that deep right now. But I ended up with Jared, and this is something I can really look back on with love, but also with a lot of awareness that I probably wouldn't repeat what I did again. It's so strange. I would say that I have an avoidant attachment type. So just a bit about attachment types, you've probably heard about it, but attachment types basically refer to how you find safety in other people and how and within yourself in relation to other people. And I would say that I am definitely an avoidant. I have very avoidant tendencies. So often I would have held people at arm's length, like I was talking about. However, with Jared, what I did is I didn't have a model of what a healthy relationship was meant to look like. I often kept people as situationships or as one might stand. So when I had this person who wanted to be with me and have all of me, I didn't know where I ended and where he began. And so I allowed myself to be completely consumed by that relationship. I still think he liked me more than I liked him in reality. So I kind of had that level of safety there. But very quickly, we ended up spending all of our time together. He integrated with all of my friendships. He came home with me every single time I went to see my parents. He was working with me, he would call me on lunch breaks, and when he left that job, he would call me every lunch break. And I remember one time saying to him, I don't want to call you every lunch break because I'm gonna see you tonight anyway. I actually just want to talk to my friends. And he got so upset at that, he was like, Oh, you don't want to talk to me. And I remember he would have some quite difficult and kind of concerning behavior. Around me not being within his control. But I didn't know how to manage that. And so I kind of just let it happen. And it ran its course within like nine or ten months. I remember my friends being quite concerned about me. My sister was definitely saying that like your mental health has dropped. You are not who you usually are at all. And I finally let that relationship go. I'll actually just let Heather jump in again here.

SPEAKER_00 22:26

And then when we all graduated, so mid-20s to late 20s. I remember. Maybe your first. Uh longer relationship. Your more serious relationship. And I remember you threw yourself into that. Um deeply and madly. And it was lovely to see. I'm excited to hear what your reflections are on that serious relationship. From my memory, you threw yourself in wholly, emotionally, physically. Uh a lot of time went into that relationship. And I remember when it came to its end how deep that connection had been for you.

SPEAKER_03 23:06

Thank you, Heather. So yeah, I realized when I got to the end of that relationship and looked back that I had no model for how to have that connection with someone healthily. And that was that. That was 10 months. I kind of then reverted back into my old behaviour. But I think what had changed this time, when I started to get back into, I had a couple of wild nights after that. Like I definitely re-entered a hoe phase, ladies. But I think what was changing was that I was starting to realize that I was uncomfortable with constantly just being someone's option. I realized that even though there were a lot of things that weren't healthy about that relationship with Jared, actually the fact that I was being prioritised and the fact that I had been shown I was worthy of commitment and that I was worthy of being in that relationship, it made me realize that I kind of wanted that for the future, but in a healthier way. So I started to feel a bit more uncomfortable when I had guys treating me like shit. I still accepted it for a while. I didn't quite have the tools yet to actually stand up for myself and to put effective boundaries in place. But I remember Laura moved back to France, I moved into a shared house, and I started to try self-worth on for size. I think that's like the best way. Like, you know, I was in the change in rooms with self-worth, like, oh, this looks good on me, doesn't it? Maybe next time. Like I was thinking, I was thinking about it. And I remember this one guy, again, gonna go into overshare here. I met him on a night out, as I usually did, and we went home together, and you know, stuff happened. And then we ended up messaging a bit, but he was very inconsistent. He was very much a typical fuckboy. Like, there was no other way to describe this man than a typical fuckboy. And we'll call him Mumps, and that is because of a story that I am not ready to share yet. But it was one of my wild nights. You know what? Maybe in the future, I'll see how I go. Maybe I will have a little bit of an episode where I maybe get a couple of my girls together with a glass of wine and we just talk through just a couple of my really funny stories, just with the intention of you girls having a laugh along. But I just, today's not that day. I can't do it. I can't bring myself to do it. So anyway, we're gonna call him Mumpsman. And so Mumpsman lived in London and we were kind of going back and forth, messaging, but we never met up again. And then I remember this one time, I was gonna go and visit my friend Christina in London, and I was gonna go meet him for a day as well. So I was messaging like, oh, we should go on a date, and he was being very weird. And I remember him messaging me saying, Oh well, my mates are coming over at seven, but if you want to come over at six, you can stay for an hour and then go. And I'd got to a point there, now sadly there was a version of me probably a few years ago who would have been like, sure, I'll do that, because I'm really easy to be around and cool. Ha ha, please love me. But no, I didn't do that this time. I actually said, no, that doesn't work for me. I thought about it. It wasn't a complete no, like I feel like it would be now, but I was like, no, I'm not gonna do that. It's really out of my way, and also if you want to see me, then we can go on a date. And he said, Oh well, I don't have time, so that was that. And then I remember he messaged me on the day I was getting the train to London saying, Oh, actually, I do have a bit of time now if you wanted to meet up for a drink, didn't respond. And then he messaged me later saying, Oh, well, I'm going out, do you want to come meet me? Didn't respond. And then he messaged me the next day and he said, Oh, well, I was gonna take you on a date, but as you're not responding, I guess not. He was basically trying to do everything he could to get me to respond. And I remember realizing I was like, this guy literally just wants to feel in control. He just wants to know he has control over me and he doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about taking me on a date, he just wants to know that I'm still there as an option for him. And for the first time, I actually completely ghosted this man. I was like, I am not even responding to you, I'm not gonna explain myself, I am not going to entertain this anymore. I'm just not responding. And it took me a while to get to that point, like it did take me a while, lol. Um, but I remember feeling pretty smug, pretty proud of myself. I was like, hmm, sucks to be you, bro. And for the first time I was like, kind of felt good to put myself first there. Hmm, kind of felt good to be a self-worth queen. And then I had a couple of other situations which probably went against that self-worth, but I remember that was probably the first time I remember actually setting a really strong boundary with someone. And another thing I remember from this era, which is probably like from 25-26 onwards, where I was maybe 25 onwards, where I was thinking about self-worth and I was considering maybe setting boundaries occasionally when it felt like it. This type of era where I was really just starting to get uncomfortable with the reality of my life. In this era, there was this guy that I had this kind of flirty thing with for quite a long time, nothing actually happened. And I remember I did have feelings for this guy, I really liked him, but I couldn't bring myself to actually tell him. And I remember I look back on this era and I'm like, bless you, buddy. Because what I did instead was I would date lots of other guys and then tell him about the other guys in the hope that he would get jealous and then pursue me instead, which is a really fucked up way.

unknown 28:31

God.

SPEAKER_03 28:32

When I look back at my dating, I'm like, oh queen, oh baby. Yeah, I was basically trying to get him to move first, which doesn't work when you have two avoidance in a situation that doesn't work like that. And so I went on dates with other other guys, and like I said, I had some really funny experiences, no regrets, about some of my dating escapades. I'm gonna tell you about two of them. One of them, I dated a guy for a few times who went on naked attraction, so let's call him naked attraction guy, and he told me on the first date, by the way, for people who are not from the UK, naked attraction is basically this dating reality TV show where people go on and they are naked. Like they are, it's kind of yeah, it's like naked dating, and people get revealed slowly, so you're like, it'll go up to their knees, and then someone will have to rule someone out based on their feet and their knees, and then it'll go up, and then obviously like the penis gets shown. And my favourite bit is when you get to the penis elimination stage and you're eliminating someone basically based on their penis, and everyone's like, Oh, I just think their knees look weird. Oh no, I just actually think that they their voice sounds a bit funny. It's like, girl, he has a small penis, and that's why he's saying no. Let's just be honest, okay? Let's just be honest. And I remember I dated someone who had been on that show, and after like three or four dates, my housemates all found out, and they found the clip of him on Naked Attraction. We all watched it together, and I just couldn't even bring myself to date him again. I was like, oh my goodness, this is like I can't bring someone over to the house knowing that every single person has sent him naked. Like, I yeah, that was so funny, and that one just didn't work out. And there was another guy, I remember I met him on Hinge, and we went on one date, and I went to Lincoln to see him, and we went for a walk along the river, like had a couple of drinks and stuff like that. It was fun, but I knew I didn't like this guy, and I told him that. That was actually something I did, probably the first time ever on a date. I said, Look, I don't see this going anywhere. But then I went on to say, but we're drunk and I'm in Lincoln, and you know, if you wanted to make a night of this, then we could do that. He knew, he knew I wasn't interested, but full disclosure, it kind of worked out, and he was an officer, um, like in the army, and so I ended up being smuggled into the officer's mess. Like, literally, like we were in the taxi, and he put coats over me to hide me and smuggled me in. And yeah, and then we ended up going on the roof, um, and it was it was wild. It was a wild night, if I'm honest. It was really, really funny. So, like I said, I have some good stories, but anyway, back to that original story. To these dates, I was going on in the hope that the guy I actually liked would then tell me he liked me. In the end, I did end up telling that guy, but at that point I think it was it was too late. We just didn't have that connection. And I look back now and I'm like, no, that would not have been a good match. But at the time it felt real. So that was that. And then we move into the pre-Australia era. And this is where I really started to practice, not perfectly and in very small steps, but I really started to practice actually setting boundaries with people. And the story that I always think of when I think of this particular era, um, and actually, funnily enough, the story that my friend Christina thought of and voice noted me about, which I will share, is a guy that apparently we're gonna call Jumper Guy. I think it's because I ended up having his jumper that he gave to me, and then I had to give it back, and then there was a whole ordeal about giving it. I'm assuming that's why Christina called him Jumper Guy in her voice note, so we're gonna go with that. I met Jumper Guy at a wedding, and just a bit of context about where I was. I'd moved out of that shared house and bought a house with my sister at this point. Um, so very different era of my life, like homeowner, manager, a bit older, so probably 26, 27. Like I was much more stable than I was back in those, you know, slightly wild days. And I remember meeting this guy at a wedding. It was my friend's wedding, and he was very, very drunk, and I was very, very sober. But somehow I still ended up making out with him, uh, which is probably a red flag on my point, if I'm honest. Not in terms of a taking advantage weight, like he wasn't that drunk, lol lesson. But what I mean is that his behaviour was very chaotic, and I don't know why I was attracted to that, but clearly there was a part of me that was, so anyway, moving on. And we ended up going on a date, and then we went on a few dates, and during these dates, I remember saying to my girls, like, this guy is very intense. And then he gave me his hoodie, which is where the jumper guy story comes in, and he was constantly messaging me and he was video calling me because he worked away in the week, so we'd see each other at the weekend, and it was a whole thing. Like, to me, I thought, wow, this guy really likes me. This guy might be the guy that I end up really dating, and I really liked him as well. Like, I was really, really in. And then I remember all of a sudden he ghosted me. He'd maybe been a little bit inconsistent with communication the week before, and then he was meant to be coming back, and he just didn't respond to me for three days. And I remember I was calling him, I was messaging him, because at this point I was like, it'd been about a month, and I was like, This I thought we liked each other. I thought we were like, you know, dating. And he just completely ghosted me. And then three days later, he messaged me back, like, oh, sorry, I was at my mate's house. That's it. And I was like, Are you serious? So I messaged him back saying, Well, I'm not really comfortable with that again. Trying on those boundaries to size. I was starting together and I remember messaging him back saying, Oh, I thought we really liked each other, and I'm a little bit surprised that you acted this way. I'm uncomfortable with that. I would be looking for a bit more consistency. Basically, I stated my needs, and that is probably the first time I ever actually stated my needs explicitly to another person in a romantic setting. And it was a big deal for me. And I remember that fucking arsehole came back with me still mad. No, I'm actually not, I'm totally over it. But he came back and said, This seems a bit keen. I think we should knock this on its head. And I was like, Are you fucking serious? You have just spent the last month telling me how much you like me, giving me your hoodie, calling your friends when I'm with you. We were acting like we were in a relationship, and then you just say this and say, Oh, I'm being a bit keen. That's what I thought anyway. But what I actually said, and what I would like to think I would communicate very differently if I were to be put in a similar situation now, was I voice noted him back and I was like, Oh, okay, no worries, no hard feelings, like obviously it's just not gonna work out then. And I tried to appease him, I tried to aid his exit from my life and make him feel as comfortable as possible. And when I look back on that now, I'm like, girl, he absolutely fucked you over. Like, that was my first true experience of a love bomb. Like a love bomb where it was polar opposite, and I was taken aback. I was taken by surprise, I was swept off my feet, and I remember for a long time afterwards, I had just allowed myself to feel vulnerable about someone, and I built those walls back up as soon as that ended, and it took me a bit of time to trust someone again. But I was like, you have just fucked me over, and here I am making sure that you are comfortable as you leave after fucking me over. Like, come on, Maddie, come on. Like when I look back at that, I'm more annoyed at myself for the response, but also I'm not annoyed, and I'll go into this a little bit at the end, but that version of me at that time, that was how I was dealing with things, and that's okay. Like, I have a lot of love for that girl, I have a lot of peace for that girl, but I don't understand that girl anymore. Like, I would not respond with that level of grace slash people pleasing now, I would like to think. And I'm now gonna put in a message that Christina sent me about this guy, um, about a conversation we were having afterwards, and about sort of a reflection of what I thought a relationship should look like.

SPEAKER_01 36:31

Okay, so I remember um a couple of years ago now you came to stay in London, and um we you just came to a wedding. And you had met, let's call this fella jumper guy at this wedding. And um you've been on, I think, a couple of dates with Jumper Guy, um, and he'd be really, really happy. Um really attractive, he'd be introduced by a bit of friends at the wedding, and I remember this conversation really well because um I mean sadly, I think he ghost with you, or it stopped communication's communication so down. Basically, he wasn't um basically communicated with you. I think happy had a given with the both things, and I remember we had this conversation, we're walking down the road, and you were like, I don't get it, I don't understand why we've got a good situation or changes behaviour. We had so much chemistry, and I remember saying to you listening, I'm not also taking good, um, not quite so um you often, but um, I remember saying to you, well, chemistry isn't an indicator of compatibility, it doesn't necessarily mean that um a relationship's going to work out, and you're like, no, but we got along so well, like we really fancy each other, we made each other laugh. Um, and I remember that you seemed uh resistant to the idea that a relationship could be built more on um a relationship should be built on chemistry, that's what the idea was in your head, and I think you have realized now that that is not exactly how relationship is built. Hopefully that story is helpful.

SPEAKER_03 38:14

Thank you, Christina. So I think one thing to take from that, and again, this is definitely something that I have struggled with dynamic-wise quite a lot in my 20s, was that I was looking for that spark, I was looking for that instant connection, and that's what I felt with Jumper Guy. I immediately was attracted to him, I immediately wanted to know what he was doing, and I was invested. But what I've realized over time, and what Christina was talking about there is like chemistry isn't really a great indicator of if you're compatible. Great if you're looking for a one-night stand, but if you're actually looking for someone to build something real with, then that that instant spark is actually usually just your nervous system flagging that something's unsafe. And I know that now, but it took me a long time to learn this. I think it's all well and good to listen to people giving this advice and saying, chemistry isn't what you're looking for, you want consistency, you want calm. And I know what it feels like to listen to that advice and be like, uh that's not me. I need that instant connection, I need that spark. But the thing is, it's not true. All the shit that they're telling you, all this advice about looking for consistency and people who show up in responsibility, that it's that is love. That is true love, and I've learned that now. But there were many, many years of my life when I didn't believe that applied to me, and I thought differently. And I thought that maybe it's because I'm a Scorpio, I just need that energy and that connection. No, I was insecurely attached, I was an S. No. Again, I'm really proud of myself when I look back at that version of me for actually saying something to Jumper Guy in the first place, but I'm still slightly annoyed that I responded to his rejection in the way that I did. But anywho, we move, we move. And then we finally get into the era where I start to see some trends that resemble a relationship, kind of. This is probably within the last two years before I moved to Australia when I was 29, so or 28, I think I was. This is when I started to have some long-term situationships. I always make me laugh when I look on social media and they're like, oh, you're in a situationship, which one are you? The one with commitment issues or the one with low self-esteem? And I was like, lol, I was the one with low self-esteem. But actually, I am about to tell you about the next thing as something that's actually a very positive experience. And I won't go into too much detail here, mainly because I still have friends of friends with these people, so so I'm not gonna uh overshare. But I ended up having some sort of casual situationship for a year, and we were really consistently seeing each other. It was every two weeks, we would hook up, and we were friends, so we really cared about each other's well-being on like a friendship level. And when I look back at that time, it was actually probably what I would now understand is a corrective experience. And what I mean by a corrective experience is an experience that makes you feel safe in a way that you haven't been able to feel safe before. So all through my 20s, up until this point, I was constantly dating men who either treated me like shit, let's be real, they kept me at arm's length and kept me an option, or men that I could keep at an arm's length and then have them as a relationship until it got too much and then I let it go. But that was kind of my pattern. There was never that sort of equal interest. There was always either the question of are they gonna leave or do I actually like this guy? Like there was always that sort of inequality. And this friend that I had a situationship with for a year, it was the first time, even though it wasn't a relationship and we were very, very clear on boundaries within that. Um, it was the first time that someone had been really consistent with me. It was the first time that I felt like I could show up as the true version of myself, where I didn't have to be on top form all the time, and I didn't constantly have to be providing value or providing entertainment, and he would still be there. It was the first time that I felt really respected and safe during our encounters, and where he really took my safety and my joy into account. And he would constantly be messaging me. So I was never scared he was gonna leave. And I realized at first it felt a bit weird, and I was constantly thinking, oh, he's just gonna get bored soon, he's gonna get bored soon. But what I realized now is that that is when I started to learn what a potential healthy relationship could look like. Like I said, we were really, really clear on boundaries, which was another thing that was really good. We were very open with our communication, we knew exactly where each of us stood at all times. But that was the first time that I could see elements of what I wanted in a relationship in that situation. So that I would say at the ripe old age of 27 or however old I was was my first corrective experience in a relationship where I started to learn a bit differently to what I had always believed. And then I ended up in a situationship for nine months before I went to Australia. Again, I'm not gonna go into too much detail. It was one of those where he'd liked me for a while. I eventually thought, oh well, this could be fun. We'd both had really clear communication about the fact we didn't want it to be serious. It got a little bit complicated towards the end because we were together for nine months and it did end up being exclusive. So there was kind of some blurred lines about the whole feeling things, but realistically, we both knew I was moving to Australia and that there was a clear end date, so we never really explored it as an actual relationship. And then that brings us to Australia, and this is where my story tends to start in a lot of the episodes where I moved to Australia. I had a couple of dating experiences which started to mirror those old fuckboy relations, basically, but I was starting to show up with a little bit more. Self-trust with a little bit more self-worth. I was able to communicate needs a bit better. I slipped up a couple of times, but you know, I was still learning. And then I had one final situation with a friend where we hooked up for a bit, and then I actually, for the first time in my life, in the moment, sat down and said, This is not working for me. Either we commit to this and we date, or we stop doing this because I don't want to be sitting in this middle section. And it is the first time I'd ever done that. And I remember it was one of my first ever journal entries. And I should get that journal entry. Shall I get that journal entry? Oh my god, bear with me. I'm gonna go and get it right now. Here we go. Oh my god, this is wild. So this is my first ever journal. Um it's actually gifted to me by Laura, so thanks, babes. I love this journal. And this is the journal entry. Um, Thursday, the 1st of February 2024. I did it. Boundaries are sexy. I'm honestly so proud of myself for speaking my truth and allowing myself to be vulnerable. My heart is still heavy, but my mind feels light, and like I said, I have an overwhelming sense of pride. I won't go into too much detail about the whole journal entry, but I finish off the entry saying I set the boundaries I was comfortable with directly and respectfully, perhaps for the first time ever. This conversation has been liberating in a sense, and I am very grateful that we were able to have an open positive conversation. And then I love how I make this final comment saying I need to really work on being emotionally available and ready to receive the love that I deserve and the love I believe I'm able to give. The hard part now is setting boundaries with myself and letting go of a relationship that doesn't exist. However, this has been a huge milestone for me and I'm ready to continue my journey. Oh, I'm about to get emotional. Oh my god, because um the next day, oh my god, there we go, fucking crying, just like I did in episode six. But the next day I ordered my book, Calling in the One, and that is when I went all sleep in identity work and I rewrote my relationship patterns. That was the last journal entry I made before before um ordering that book. And there you have it. I'll say the rest is history, but really the rest isn't history because I'm gonna continue to talk about the types of identity work I did um and everything I'm learning going forward. And the outcome of all of the work is that I ended up dating again. I actually ended up in a really beautiful relationship with a man that I loved. Um, and we recently broke up. I moved back to the UK and we very quickly realized that he wanted to stay in Australia, I wanted to live in the UK. It obviously wasn't gonna work, but that was a gorgeous, gorgeous relationship, and it absolutely embodied everything that I wanted from a partner and everything I wanted to give to a partner. One thing I find interesting is that there were definitely things we were addressing together in that relationship. I don't actually think when you have had years and years of operating in a certain way that it just fixes itself. It's not like I got a boyfriend and everything was better. Like there are still gonna be things that I need to work on. Once I'm in a place where I'm ready to date, I will definitely, definitely share things as much as I can that come up that I think might help you guys. And just a couple of reflection points on this whole thing before I go. That was quite a deep episode. I hope I managed to sprinkle in a bit of fun there because I didn't want it to become this like episode, but I have really, really enjoyed sharing that with you. One thing I want to touch on is when I was talking to Claude, my trusty AI companion, to prep this episode, and I said, Have you got any questions that would fill any gaps here or anything you think I haven't pursued enough? And he asked me a question and said, Your friends have given you this feedback now about your dating history. Did they give that to you at the time? And no, they didn't. And I thought, well, actually, we were all young and we were all having fun and we were all navigating life in our own way. I think this episode could come across as me being really harsh on myself, and I do get told off for this sometimes. But actually, the reality is I had so many things in my life that I loved. There were so many areas of my life that I thought I was really good at, and romantic relationship has always been my Achilles' heels. Is heels? Plural? Just one heel. I think you just had one bad heel. Anyway, this has always been the area I've needed to work on the most. And I spoke to a couple of friends actually about recording for this podcast episode, and one of my girls messaged me, my friend Emily, and said, I'm quite confused by what you're asking about your dating in your 20s, because I think we all did stupid shit in our 20s. I think we all had some weird one-night stands and some weird experiences. And I was like, it's true. Sometimes you can be harsh and look back on your experiences as being like different to everyone else's, but actually everyone has their own shit that they're dealing with. We're all in it together. No one is perfect, and I also think that searching for perfection is a complete waste of time. And honestly, it's a quest I don't even want to go on. And I'd actually say this is funny, going back to the whole did your friends tell you in the moment. The only person who ever really gave me live feedback throughout my twenties was my little sister Isabel, who would be constantly questioning my dating decisions. She'd be like, Why are you making time for this guy? Like, why are you accepting this behaviour? And I would always be like, Oh, you don't understand. Turns out she really did understand. It made me laugh because I asked her to send a voice note for this episode and she responded saying, Maddie, you're an introvert's worst nightmare. She was like, I really don't want to do this. And I was like, Okay, you don't have to. I appreciate that. So yeah, the only person who actually said anything at the time, from what I can remember, I'm sure friends gave me feedback here and there, but the only person who was consistently being like Maddie, what the fuck, was Isabel. So shout out, Isabel. But yeah, like I said, to summarize this episode, I had questionable dating habits in my 20s. I had a lot of fun, but I also had a lot of hard times where I really questioned my self-worth, my self-esteem. And I had to rewrite a lot of these patterns when I moved to Australia and really intentionally chose to do that. And I will share more about exactly what I did to rewire those patterns in future episodes. But the purpose of this episode really was so that when I'm talking about my romantic relationship in other episodes, I can say, go back to episode nine and you'll see what I mean. And this episode has really been more of a reflection. A lot of the episodes, I'm like, these are tips that you can have, this is what's helping me. But actually, this one is really just evaluating what I was doing. And if anything resonated with you, then obviously absolutely take it. Like I said, I know I'm not the only person who has these patterns, and you might feel really seen by this episode, and I really would love that if that made someone feel a little bit less alone. But this episode really was just about me, lol, and about my history, and to give you a little bit of context into your host and a little bit more information about some of the episodes that have been and will follow. And one final parting comment, I know I said I was done, but I lied, is like I said halfway through the episode, I don't resent any version of myself. I don't look back at myself with judgment, I don't look back at myself with shame because actually I learned those patterns for a reason. At one point, those patterns kept me safe, and that is how I had learned throughout the years to come across. I wish I could talk to these versions of me now and just tell them that they're doing great and they're doing their goddamn best and that they will figure this shit out. And who knows, when I start going into dating again, I might find that I come up against new barriers that I didn't even know about, or I might start reverting back into old patterns and have to check myself again. I like to think I have built a lot of tools and a lot of awareness and skills to maybe stop that from happening, especially to the extent that it did. But really, who knows what's gonna come up, and I will share anything that is helping me in my life because that is what Shift of Maddie is all about. It is about me just being here for the girlies. I'm not an expert, I'm not a psychologist. I am a girly who has figured out shit and is still figuring out shit and wants to take you with her. So there comes the end of my episode, and I mean it this time. No more final comments. Thank you so much for listening. This one was a very deep one for me, I suppose. Perhaps a little bit uncomfortable. I think this one's gonna be a difficult edit. I'm not gonna lie. I'll go back and think, oh fuck, I really overshared there. But I'm gonna share it. I will be back next week with another episode. I like to share things in real time, so I'll be sharing things that really, really have helped me in my journey so far and also are still helping me in my journey right now. So I'm now taking a lot of the identity rewiring tools I learned through romance and applying them to career and business and money so that I can grow this podcast and my Instagram. I'm very much still in a very transitional period of my life, and I'm so so grateful to have you here with me through that. If you enjoyed this episode, please do rate, review, and subscribe. You can rate and review on Apple Podcasts. Apparently on Spotify you can only leave a comment, but I don't actually know. Like I said, I'm very much a beginner at this, so I'm figuring out as I go along. And please do share with a friend. If you have any friends who you think would benefit from this episode, or anyone who you think just wants a good yap and wants to hear about someone else's dating history, then please do share. I would love to be able to grow this podcast. Thank you so much for listening to Shift with Maddie. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week, and I will be back next time. Goodbye for now.