Haistoric — It’s Fake Funny History
Dispatches from history that never happened, read aloud by our laudanum-soaked narrator. A new episode whenever a Haistoric correspondent's tale is summoned to the phonograph. Contribute your own take at www.haistoric.com
Episodes
12 episodes
Those Cheating Greek Bastards Halved the Marathon
How two dick-swinging twins from Athens invented relay racing and accidentally ruined jogging for everyone, forever. So get this. The year is 490 BC—give or take a decade, my subscription to the Official Historical Record is expired—and the Athen...
History Was Gayer And Hornier Than You Think
Turns out the “Great Man” theory of history was just a series of powerful dudes being absolutely dick-whipped for their boyfriends. Let’s get one thing straight (lol): history as you learned it is a lie cooked up by dusty old farts who couldn’t h...
So, God Hates Us: A World Without Beer
Humanity stumbles through a joyless, sober existence, and honestly, why the hell did we even bother getting out of the caves? Let’s get one thing straight: the agricultural revolution wasn’t about bread. Any historian who tells you our hunter-gat...
History’s Most Judgemental Bastards: When Staffy Side-Eye Toppled Feudalism
That time a stout little dog looked at his dinner, sighed, and accidentally invented peasant rights. Let’s get one thing straight: medieval England was a shit place to eat. The food was bland, the water was questionable, and your odds of shitting...
History’s Greatest Invention Was Just Some Horny Bastard Trying to Slide Into a Cavewoman’s DMs
Forget Fire or The Wheel. The Real Turning Point For Humanity Was When We Enslaved A Ten-Ton Furry Tractor So We Could Get Our prehistoric shred on. Alright, you filthy little gremlins, pull up a festering mammoth hide and listen the fuck up. Let...
Get Fucked, Odin: A World Where Vikings Couldn't Find a Fjord in a Foggy Tits-Up
The Norsemen were masters of the sea, alright. Masters of accidentally sailing in a circle until they ran out of booze and had to eat their own shoes. So get this: it's 793 AD. A longboat packed to the gills with horned-helmeted—no, they didn't h...
How One Horny Seagull Fucked the Entire Spanish Armada
King Philip II’s billion-ducat invasion boner went limp thanks to a flying rat with a death wish and a grudge. Right, settle down you filthy animals, and let your ol’ Haistorian tell you a story that’s 70% true and 100% something I believe with m...
What If America Fucked Off and Ghosted WWII?
Alright, buckle up, you magnificent bastards, because the historical record (and a very weird dream I had after eating a questionable kebab) tells us this is 100% how it could've gone down. The year is 1941. Pearl Harbor happens, but instead of FD...
The Wright Brothers Were Goddamn Frauds and Your Mileage May Vary, Literally
So get this. You think Orville and Wilbur Wright, two bicycle-building dipshits from Ohio, just woke up one day and said, "Fuck gravity"? Bullshit. What they actually invented wasn
So Long, and Thanks for All the Calamari
Way back in the primordial soup-and-salad bar of Earth’s history, evolution took a hard left turn into the goddamn Twilight Zone. Instead of some plucky proto-ape falling out of a tree and deciding that walking on two legs was the hot new thing, i...
Two Balls, One Bactria: History's Horniest Conqueror Cage Match
Alright, buckle the fuck up, because we're diving balls-deep into a historical clusterfuck of epic proportions. The year is... let's say 327 BC, give or take nine centuries. On one side, you have Alexander the Great, a man whose primary motivation...
Those Salem "Witches" Were Just Competent Women
Okay, let's wade into the sanctimonious bog that was Salem, Massachusetts, 1692. Forget what you learned in school. The real story—the one we’re telling, anyway—isn’t about spectral evidence or creepy girls having fits in a courtroom. It’s about a...
