Ep 5: Silencing your inner critic

It's time to silence that voice inside your head. You know the one! It tells you that you are selfish for doing something for you, or you shouldn't put yourself forward for anything for fear of rejection or disappointment. It holds you back and it's been in your head for far too long! It's time to serve an eviction notice. 

About me: 

I'm Emma Bradbury, a personal development coach specialising in NLP and mBIT coaching techniques and a Level 2 Fitness instructor and Level 3 Personal Trainer. 

I'm passionate about about transformation from the inside out, helping my clients to get fitter and stronger both in mind and body.

I work with clients in-person at my training and coaching centre in Poulton-le-Fylde on the Fylde Coast and online. 

You can find me here:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100095409783100

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/emmabradburycoaching?igsh=MXRxNWVib3kwczV4dA%3D%3D&utm_source=qr

Website: www.emmabradburycoaching.co.uk

Email: emma@emmabradburycoaching.co.uk

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:58

Hi everybody and welcome back. So this week we're going to I keep saying this week. That's wrong, isn't it? In this episode, sorry, I'm still learning, so please bear with me. In this episode, we are going to be looking at starting to rewrite your inner critic. So you know that little voice in your head that's always whispering to you, and it's usually negative stuff. So last week, if you listened, not last week, last episode, if you listened to the last episode, you'll um be aware of the identity crossroads. You'll be aware of the everything to everyone loop, and you might well have identified now which roles that you're carrying out that light you up and which which roles that you're carrying out that drag you down and just drain the life out of you. And you might be starting to do something about that. You might be able to offload some of those roles that get you down. You might have started maybe asking for a little bit of help. You might be doing a bit more of what you love, which is all really, really good stuff. But along with that, will come some inner internal dialogue. So there'll be a little voice in your head saying, Should you be doing that? Why are you doing that? You haven't got time for that. So we can talk about that a little bit more in another episode. But today I want to really want to get you thinking about your inner critic. And it's that little voice that whispers to you being selfish because you're doing something for you, or you're being lazy because you're just having five minutes to sit down with a cup of tea in the day, or you're failing because you didn't get everything on your to-do list done, or you're not enough, or you're just generally getting things wrong. And for so many women, that voice becomes so normal that you stop actually questioning it, you just start to just listen to it, it's just normal. So, like I said in the last episode, this isn't about fixing anything, it's about raising awareness to then start to fix stuff. So it's about understanding where that voice has come from, what it's trying to do, and then learning how to relate to yourself a little bit differently. So, a really important thing to understand about your inner critic is that it's usually trying to protect you, it's not evil, it's trying to protect you from maybe something that's happened in the past or in your formative years, where a lot of our limiting beliefs come from. So, as most people think that that inner critic is just a negative voice trying to tear them down when it's saying things like you're not good enough, or don't do that, you'll embarrass yourself, or don't even try because you'll fail. You're being selfish. Who the heck do you think you are? But underneath those thoughts is often a nervous system that's trying to keep you emotionally safe, which I know sounds a little bit backwards, doesn't it? But the inner critic usually develops early in life, and it develops as a way of helping us to avoid pain, rejection, judgment, disappointment, conflict, and failure. So, for example, if someone grew up being praised for being good, you know, is putting everybody else first, their inner critic may attack them whenever they rest or prioritize themselves. Because they're not used to that. Or if someone was once criticized for putting some putting themselves out there and standing out, their inner critic may then keep them small to avoid judgment. Or if someone has experienced rejection or failure in the past, that inner critic might be saying, Don't try, because failing again feels unsafe, it feels sad, make you feel unhappy, and we don't want you to feel like that. So although that inner critic, that voice in your head sounds harsh, its intention is often to keep you safe, stop you getting hurt, stop you getting rejected or disappointed. The problem is that the inner critic often uses outdated protection strategies. So what may once have helped is now stopping you, it's holding you back. So for example, staying quiet may once have prevented criticism, but now it prevents confidence. Or people pleasing may once have created safety and love, and that needs to be wanted, but now it creates exhaustion and possibly a bit of resentment. That's why fighting your inner critic doesn't work. Because if we focus on it, then that's where we're staying. That's what we're focusing on. If I say to you, don't think about chocolate buttons, what are you thinking about? I bet you're thinking about chocolate buttons, aren't you? Calbury's are my favourite. So you're always going to focus on what you're thinking about. So you've got to change it. You've got to think about what you really want, not what you don't want. So get curious. Be fascinated. Ask yourself some different questions. What is my inner critic afraid would happen if I changed? Or what is my inner critic trying to protect me from? Or when did I first learn this belief? When did I first hear this voice saying this thing to me? And does this strategy still serve me now? Is what my inner critic's saying to me helping me? If it is, brilliant, crack on. But if it's not, then you need to do something different, you need to reframe it. So you shift to my mind is full of protective patterns that I can now update. It's like you've got your own computer in your head and it just needs a software update. Like when Apple pings a message on your phone and says, if you're charging it at midnight, you'll get a new software update. Similar thing. You go to bed, you get a software update in the night, wake up in the morning, and you've updated some of these patterns. But it won't just happen, you ought to think about it. So a lot of these protective patterns have come from childhood experiences and expectations, or from people pleasing, fear of rejection, fear of failure, even diet culture. And women are often rewarded for self-sacrifice. So then the guilt appears when women prioritize themselves, start to put themselves first, but there's nothing wrong with that. The inner critic often mistakes abandoning yourself and your needs for being a good person. And actually, you can still be a good person and satisfy your own wants and needs in life. So, what does your inner critic say the most often? So, some examples might be, oh you're selfish, or you should be doing more. You're not doing enough. Who do you think you are? Or don't get too confident, or you always fail. And you might have a few more of your own. And again, there might be nothing popping into your head just now, but let your unconscious mind do its thing and it will throw you something. So when you've identified what your inner critic is saying to you, you can start to do something about it. Remember, awareness is the first step. So when do you hear this voice the most? What does it sound like? Is there anything that triggers it? Is there a pattern? And what emotion sits underneath it? So it might be worth, I'm going to say a scary word now, and it might make you switch off. I hope not. It might be worth journaling a little bit. And journaling does not mean sitting down at night and going, dear Diary, this happened today. Journaling can just be bullet points. Journaling can just be in the notes app on your phone. And when you hear that inner critic, you can just whip your phone out, go into your notes, and just jot down what was happening to you when you heard that voice. What were you trying to do? What triggered it? Where did it come from? How are you feeling? Because if you do that a few times, then you'll start to see a pattern. And once you start to see a pattern, then you can start to preempt it. Then you can start to create a new pattern. And remember, your brain attaches meanings and feelings to words. So if someone believes, if you believe putting myself first is selfish, then your nervous system reacts with that feeling of guilt. Oh cracky, I shouldn't be putting myself first, or feel really guilty for doing that. So you've got to change the meaning, you've got to reframe it. But she doesn't always have the time. But she knows that running makes her feel good. And I said to her, fill in the blank for how you're feeling now. So I said, if I prioritize myself, it means I am blank. And she just straight away said selfish. So I said, okay, so now we have to challenge that. So be objective. Ask yourself objectively, with the logical side of you that works with facts and truth. Is this statement objectively true? If I prioritize myself, it means I am selfish. Is that true? Or no, it's not. Okay. Second question. Would I say this to someone I love? So someone you love said to you, oh, if I prioritize myself and being selfish, you'd say to them, Don't be ridiculous, of course you're not. And what else could this mean? So here's your reframe. If I prioritize myself, it means I am blank. She said, looking after myself. There we go. There's the reframe. So we go from if I prioritize myself, it means I am selfish, to if I prioritize myself, it means I am looking after myself. And what on earth is wrong with that? Have a go at it yourself. But self-care is not a luxury, it's a necessity. Imagine a woman who never rests, she never asks for help, she never prioritizes herself. Eventually she becomes exhausted, resentful, disconnected. Now imagine a woman who fills her own corp consistently, who takes care of herself physically and emotionally. Which of these two women actually has more to give? More to give to their different roles. And in NLP, we often explore the positive intent behind behaviours or thoughts. So going back to the beginning of this episode, even critical thoughts are usually trying to protect us somehow. So what is the positive intent of your inner critic? What is it trying to protect you from by keeping you small? And you you'll know this. It may take a little bit of time to come, but it will. Let me know. Let me know what your inner critic is saying. Let me know how you're gonna reframe it. And let me know if you need any help with that, because I'd be happy to. Thanks for listening.