July 7 weekly review 5

Life with OCD continues. Here is the 5th weekly review. This podcast will run through August 15th. Thanks for being along for the ride! 

Transcript

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Hey. This is Brennan with OCD question mark. It is July 7th, 2026, and I am doing another weekly review. I've had about five days since my last therapy session. And this week I decided that this podcast about my OCD treatment experience will end on August 15th. So stick with me till then. I think that OCD remains a very humbling disorder to have because you know Well, it's so layered and then also um I feel like oh things are getting better, but then I get like completely stopped in my tracks or terrified by something that seems like it should be small, but then um I have to bring some kindness to myself around that. So um this week I think one thing that has always been sort of hard for me has been like oh you're alone on a Friday night or you're alone on a holiday. And I so it was the 4th of July this past weekend, with what which was a like a big anniversary, 250 years of the USA. And I think I feel pressure to be like, oh, are you with family or friends or a partner or something? And I didn't, I was on my own, and I had a nice morning where I went out hiking, but then in the afternoon, I think I did an exposure around that because I was just like, I'm not going to like try and schedule calls or I'm just gonna be honest that I'm not doing anything, and it wasn't as bad as I expected, like the evening. And I actually fell asleep before fireworks started and I didn't even hear them, which I felt like was a victory. My therapist this week encouraged me to be selfish and indulgent in my choices and activities, which feels naughty, or like I shouldn't do that, but I also feel like it's been an ongoing thing. I've been working towards with like pleasure activism or rest of resistance from Adrian Marie Brown and uh Trisha Hersey and others. I am pretty sure I have OCD. Like I am, I have it. And I think sometimes I'm so confused about what I want that I just ask myself the question. So, do I want to be on an SSRI right now? Because I'm not right now. Um, no, not right now. I think I do feel like I kind of turned a corner. Um, and you know, there's still some things on here where I like I totally at first I was like, why do I not know anyone with OCD? Um, this week I was packing up some books and pulled the DSM 5 off my shelf, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, um which obviously is, you know, societally constructed. And uh Professor I won't say it, Elizabeth Yeder was always like these groupings of psychological disorders are um what did she say, chopping nature at its heels, or you know, do we know that we have the right division of things? And then I remember someone else that I trained with, Miri Forbes. We were both postdocs at the same time, and she would say, or that she was looking at this high top completely new reconstruction of things. But I think that sometimes people get, I don't know, like lost in the grouping or what groups together, what doesn't. But I do think when I because again, I was like, why didn't I realize I had OCD and no one else did? And then seeing the things that cluster together for OCD, I'm like, oh, this makes a lot of sense for me. So this is um they talk about different symptom dimensions that are common. So there's cleaning, contamination, and cleaning. And that one has been a good one to work on and feel like I'm making progress on. There's also a part of me that's like, these habits are so hard to, you know, washing your hands and brushing your teeth. Why would I disrupt my habits? What if I never wash my hands again? Which is not going to happen. But um that one's been a good one to do exposures to be like, okay, I'm gonna leave some, I'm gonna, you know, like not clean the table or different things like that. And I think what what's been interesting with that is that um in the past I was like, oh, I love cleaning. It's like so satisfying. It feels like really good for me to do that to or to clean things. And now that I've been doing some of these exposures, I like cleaned the bathroom the other day, but I was like, I feel nothing. This doesn't do anything for me. And I think it's because I've been doing the exposures, and so I thought that was interesting. Then we have symmetry, it says obsessions and repeating, ordering, and counting. Um, I love ordering things, I love putting things in order, but then also sometimes I have piles of stuff around that I can't make decisions on because I'm scared I'm gonna make the wrong decision, or like decisions just feel so overwhelming for me. But yeah, the symmetry one. Okay, so I'm like leaving the cupboards open or different things like that. Forbidden or taboo thoughts? I don't want to talk about those. Um here. Really, those are ones that are like, I think that's harder to um loosen, right? Uh, but I've found some ways too. Um, and maybe I'll talk about that someday. Uh, and then it also says about harm. So fear of harm to sell for others. That one feels like more comfortable to talk about. Um, like where I will, you know, try be trying to like um, yeah, I worry a lot about harm to self or others. Um, like, am I gonna get killed? Is this person following me? Um, will people that I care about be hurt? So those feel like I can talk about them, and those um are loosening a bit more too, I think for sure. Uh, the other ones, then they talk about body dysmorphic disorder, thinking you have flaws in your physical appearance. That one's interesting. I was noticing that I do like check, like, I can't leave the house without looking at myself in the mirror. Like, do I look okay? I just have to, I'm like, am I still okay looking? Let me just check again. And then um, I think also like there's certain parts of my body where I'm like, oh, that's disgusting. And I feel like uh US society definitely contributes to that. And some of that has been undone for me also by spending time in different countries where they were like, oh yeah, if your body looks like that, that's great, which was very different from the US norm. So that kind of made me think, you know, like it's so subjective. And this other way to look is great too. Um, and then we have hoarding disorder. So they talk about persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions regarding of their regardless of their actual value as a result of a strong perceived need to save the items and distress associated with discarding them. Yes, I think that people have always been like, oh, you're kind of a minimalist, you don't have a lot of stuff, but so I'm not you know, car or yeah, I think that I still I really struggle. Like I um have a lot of papers from a long time ago that I probably don't need anymore. So I'm just working on moving through some of that and like quicker decisions on that, I guess. Um digital clutter. And it is also like it's funny because they the different types get mixed up with each other. So um, you know, um the enjoyment of order or like cleaning can kind of come into the hoarding one. So whenever I'm like, uh, I just kind of think about what would be the hardest thing or the best exposure in the situation for me. Um and then if I if it's not crazy hard, then I just try it and do it, do that one. This week also my therapist was talking to me about um I definitely have situations or like times when I just like feel physically frozen, like I can't um move and I feel really scared. So she was just talking about like um moving a little bit in the opposite of that. So like say I'm like stuck on the couch frozen, then I can maybe just try and sit up or try and do a little movement. Whereas sometimes I feel really stuck and I just want to get out of a situation, um, then I just go ahead and sit down and stay in it. So kind of doing the opposite of whatever my flight or fight would request. And I think that's been I've been experimenting with that a little bit this week, and that's been helpful. Okay. That's it for this week. Thanks for listening. Talk to you later.