Navigating Triggers

Over seven years into sobriety, I still get triggered - including recently when a TV recommendation from colleagues turned out to be full of booze and cocaine. I talk through what happens in the brain when a trigger hits out of nowhere, why cravings aren't a sign of failure, and the practical tools I use to get through it.

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In this episode, I'm going to be talking about navigating triggers. And the reason I'm doing this episode is because recently I was triggered quite a lot by a TV series I was watching. It was recommended to me, strangely enough, by two of my colleagues who are both in recovery themselves. And after watching a couple of episodes with my wife and having to kind of turn away every time there was drugs on the screen, I went back to my colleague and I said, you know, you didn't warn me about the the amount of drugs that are in the in the series. And she said, Why does that bother you? And I said, Well, a little bit. I mean, it doesn't bother me in a way that, you know, I'm going to drop everything and rush to the pub because, you know, I just couldn't handle the trigger. But it's still not a pleasant experience for me watching people um under the influence, actually taking the drug. And if I can avoid it, I do. Um, the series, if anyone's interested, is called Love Hate. And it's it's a brilliant series. I'm really, really enjoying it, and so is my wife. Um, but I I just don't like watching people sniff lines of coke and drink lots of booze. Um, I think triggers are an individual experience, and I think every time you're exposed to something like a drug or an addictive behaviour, it's different every time. Now, I think there's lots of things to take into consideration, you know, your your mindset at the time. Um, for example, if you're feeling like particularly stressed or uh unhappy or even happy and you want to enhance the feeling, you know, being exposed to particularly your drug of choice and watching that relief that comes with it, um, it's it can be quite tricky. Now I'm over seven years in recovery, I've got a good solid recovery, um, but that doesn't mean I don't get triggered now it's difficult to describe the feeling of being triggered because it's again it's different for each individual, but for me certainly, I kind of look and that addict inside me almost gets a little bit jealous. And you know, I I've mentioned many times I describe my brain as being almost divided into two, you know, my kind of good recovery brain, and then my addict brain. Um and that little voice from the addict side just gets a little bit louder and says, you know, do you remember that, Matt? Do you remember that feeling? And there are various things you can do to kind of um tackle that particular trigger or any kind of trigger, uh, which I'll come on to later on in the episode, but it is still there for me, and you know, my colleague was actually quite shocked. I mean, she's um a couple of years in recovery, I think, and it doesn't bother her at all, and that's absolutely fine as well. And there may come a day when she sees something that does trigger her and does kind of bother her in a way, but for me, watching particularly my drug of choice, which for many years was cocaine, watching that in quite uh a graphic way being used, yeah, it does trigger me. And I'm not ashamed to say that. I'm not, I don't think it makes my recovery any less. Um, if anything, I think a trigger is quite a positive thing because it, you know, it it it's it's there to kind of give you a reminder, I think. That's the way I see it. I mean, that I suppose that's me reframing it, if you like. But the way I can describe triggers is it's like classical conditioning. Now, for those of you that know a bit about psychology, probably more than me, you may know about Pavlov's dog. Now, like most of my explanations of kind of psychology and neuros neuroscience, it's probably not going to be the best explanation. But for those of you that don't know, Pavlov's dog was um a dog, obviously, owned by a man called, I think it was Ivan Pavlov. And he came up with the theory of classical conditioning when he saw his dog salivating at the food that he was giving him. And he put it to a test, really, like the learning by association, and he did it by ringing a bell every time he served his dog food. So he'd ring a bell, put the food out, and the dog would salivate and eat the food. And he did that over and over again until the dog was so used to the bell being rang and associating the bell with food that when he rang the bell and didn't present the dog with any food, the dog would still salivate. Now that's what I see a trigger being like, because you know, all those years in addiction, or however long someone's an addiction for, your brain's gonna change, and you're gonna associate certain things, behaviors, you know, watching someone take a drug in this case, and it's kind of like because your brain's, I don't know, like hardwired to that kind of dopamine release, it kind of triggers something in me where I'm associating that with that good feeling of relief that I used to get. Now, for those of you that haven't touched a drug before, it's a lot like it's that feeling you get when you take that first puff of a cigarette or that first bite of a chocolate cake or that first sip of a cup of tea. It's that feeling, you know? So when I when I see someone on telly doing that, especially if I've got stuff going on for myself, because like I say, you know, triggers are an individual experience, and every time you're exposed to a trigger or exposed to something that triggers you, it's gonna be different every time because you're gonna be in a different mindset every time. There's gonna be lots of factors to take into consideration. Now, recently I've been under a lot of pressure at work, um, you know, running my own business, meeting deadlines for writing projects that I've got on the go, things like that. You know, I won't go into all that in this episode, but I'm under a lot of stress. Now, my recovery is solid, I'm not gonna get triggered and then all of a sudden drop everything and run to the pub and go and text my drug dealer, you know. But when I'm in a mindset where things aren't always going to plan necessarily, then I think I'm more kind of prone to be triggered. And I'm more prone to it affecting me. Um and I still I still have that addict brain inside me that says, go on, Matt, give it a go, go on, why not? What's the worst that can happen? And although I do divide my brain into recovery brain and addict brain, I like to think that addict brain is a lot smaller nowadays. Um, and that's come with time and with hard work on my recovery, um, and all sorts of things, you know, all those kind of ingredients for my recovery, all those things I've got in my life, all those, all the things I'm grateful for, the things that I wouldn't have if it wasn't for my recovery. You know, that's why gratitude lists are so important. Um, and still, I mean, it doesn't just have to be a TV series, it can be walking past a pub garden, particularly in the summer months. And you know, I I don't I don't want to have a drink, I certainly don't need one or feel the need for one. But when I walk past a pub and I hear the clinking glasses, the laughter, um, that general kind of atmosphere of the one kind of place that I can't go to, then yeah, that that addict inside me is it's gonna get a little bit jealous. It's gonna think, oh, that's a shame. Do you remember when you used to do that? Because I've mentioned before about my addict brain, it it speaks in my voice. I hear my voice in my head talking to me. Like sometimes it's quite a kind voice, you know, I'll go on, have have a have a drink. What's the matter? You know, depending on what sort of mindset I'm in. And at other times it's quite a sort of, I don't know, arrogant kind of voice, like, ha, you can't do that anymore, you know, almost taking the Mickey out of me. And I'm not saying that this it's like that all the time. I mean, I could get triggered and it just goes over my head, it doesn't really bother me as such. But sometimes, and like I say, in particular mindsets, it can develop a little bit. Now I'm not saying it develops necessarily into a craving and an urge, because then next comes relapse, but sometimes it gets to that, oh, actually, could I have one? Or, oh, do you remember the good old days? And then you fall into that trap of romanticising and forgetting about the bad bits, you know, all the good bits of the use in. Because as you know, if you've listened to previous episodes, I don't shy away from the fact that I had plenty of good times in active addiction, plenty of good times. Really, you know, crazy memories that that I still kind of can laugh about now. But it's the end of an era. You know, I don't want to go back to those days because that tool I always bang on a bike playing the tape forward. I know what will happen if I pick up that drink or drug. Um, there's other things that can trigger me as well. Certainly like specific smells. And again, with the pub, walking past a pub or even going into a pub on the rare occasion that I do, particularly like that kind of weatherspoons smell. Now, anyone that's been in a weatherspoons, I mean it doesn't matter what weatherspoons you go into in the country, that they've all got that certain smell. And Weatherspoons was a place that I spent a lot of time in during certain periods of active addiction. I mean, overall, I spent a lot of time in there, but there were periods of my time in active addiction where I, God, I practically lived in Weatherspoons. And when I smell that familiar smell, it can sometimes take me back. And again, sometimes I just kind of brush it off. Oh god, yeah, I remember those days, and other times it's oh yeah, I remember those days, and like you you you come at it with a different kind of attitude, sometimes for a split second, sometimes for a few seconds. But going back to that series, I mean there have been parts of numerous episodes now where I've seen like the main characters like rack up lines of cocaine, and I sort of look at my wife as we're watching it, and she looks at me and smiles, she finds it hilarious, because I just gotta look away. Um, because why on earth would I want to see someone do a big line of coke and then just have that uh feeling? You know, what why would I want to watch that? Now it's a shame that the series is so good because quite often, you know, if if if someone recommends a film or a or a series to me, sometimes I look into it and think, if it's all about drugs, why would I want to watch it? Why would I want to do that to myself? You know, like like I always say, it's it's like someone in recovery going to the pub. It's like someone on a diet going and sitting in a bakery. Do you know what I mean? And and munching on a salad while everyone else is having cream cakes. It just doesn't make sense, does it? Really? Um, but yeah, the addict in me gets a little bit jealous, and that kind of the trigger, it's almost like the spark. Um, and then it almost bypasses the the craving because it's trigger, craving, urge, and then you've got the choice, reaps or not. But it almost bypasses the craving and goes straight to the urge, and the urge is like that kind of that sensation where you think, oh yeah, I could do that again, I could get away with it. And I don't want to be in a position where I'm at that urge stage, you know. There's a there's a bit in my recovery workbook that explains it quite nicely, you know, about trigger, craving, urge, and it's about intercepting it in between those points, you know. When when you're triggered, don't let it get to a craving, or try not to, obviously. Um, and if it does get to a craving, try and stop it before it becomes an urge. And then after the urge, I mean you want to intercept it then, because if that urge is really strong, it's it's a lot more difficult to not relapse. Now, thankfully, I've I've never relapsed, not so far anyway. I've been doing I've been doing a pretty good job at this recovery business. Um, but it's still not pleasant. I mean, there have been times, particularly in early recovery, when urges were quite frequent. And like I say, as you go further into recovery, they they do become fewer, much fewer, depending on what your recovery's like, because I don't think time is any sort of measurement of a good recovery. I mean, it is it's good, it's obviously it's it's impressive, you know. People that get to any length of time in recovery, I think it's really impressive. But I know people 10 years, 20 years in so-called recovery, and and all they really do is just do the same old thing, and they're just kind of holding on for dear life, and they haven't changed what needs changing. Um But yeah, triggers are a funny old thing. And I think to to combat those triggers, I think avoidance is key, really. I mean, if this TV series wasn't so good, I'd I'd probably just have switched it off and just left it. Um I think my wife um being in the same room helps a great deal, you know, because that that's that's that's a barrier, I suppose, to not thinking, oh well, might as well go down the pub. Because who knows? What if I'm sat there on my own and I start salivating like Pavlov's dog, and I see everyone having a good time, or supposedly having a good time in the nightclubs on the telly and getting up to mischief and that. No, who knows what would happen. So luckily, my wife's there, so it's it's a barrier. Now I'm I'm just using that as an example. I'm not saying if my wife wasn't there, I'd be down the pub, obviously not. Um, and I have watched other things that have triggered me, and I've I've switched it off straight away. I mean that I remember one time I was on a a solo holiday to the Isle of Wight, and it was I don't know, I was probably two years, maybe three years in recovery at the time, and it was a lovely trip. I booked myself into a nice uh apartment style place, and I thought I'll watch a film. You know, I'd I'd been kind of doing the tourist stuff, going round the Isle of Wight on my own. It was lovely, really nice holiday. And I put on a film called The Wolf of Wall Street because I'd heard so much about it in the past, I'd heard my mates raving about it, saying how good it was. And it had been out a few years, I think, and I thought I'm gonna watch it, I'm gonna finally get round to watching it. So I did. And for those of you that have watched it before, you might remember a bit where I think it's Leonardo DiCaprio, uh, or one of the characters, just suddenly out of nowhere, like pulls out a crackpipe and takes this big long blast on a crackpipe. And I was on my own on that holiday, and I remember panicking and getting the remote and switching it off straight away. I I just I couldn't watch somebody do that. Now, I think exposure to things um is a really kind of important part of the recovery process. You know, you can't live a sheltered life for the duration of your recovery because it's just not I mean it's not really sustainable and it it wouldn't be very pleasant. You know, you have to go out and experience things. Um, I've spoken before about you know my first sober wedding, that was fairly unpleasant as well. But I think I was about six months into recovery then, so I was very, very early days, and watching everyone drink around me, no, it wasn't pleasant. Um, but I I managed it, and I think exposure like that, watching people drink, watching people get merry, and watching people get drunk, it was quite an important part of my recovery journey because the more you see it, the more kind of desensitized to it you get. Um, and the example I I always give about triggers, one that really took me by surprise was the change in seasons. Now, forgive me if I've spoken about this before in another episode, I'm losing track, I've done so many now. Um, but watching people drink uh was something I kind of got over pretty quickly because because of the exposure. But the change in seasons, because it only happens, you know, four times a year, you don't get used to it as quickly, and it's surprising, or it surprised me anyway, how much it affected me just you know, the the darker nights or you know the weather getting colder. I remember one of my first like experiences of it being winter in recovery. I remember my nose running. Um now I I don't know if the the cocaine's affected my nose, but I seem to have a very runny nose these days during the winter months, during the cold months. I take out like three packs of tissues in the winter because I'm just constantly blowing my nose. I'm not sure whether that's damage from the cocaine use or just coincidence or what. But I I remember it was dripping down my nose and I didn't have a tissue on me for whatever reason. And it suddenly reminded me of all the times I used to walk home from the purb or walk home from town on a Friday, Saturday night or Sunday night even, uh, freezing cold, um, the cocaine dripping from my nose onto my top lip. And I remember because I used to lick my lips just to try and get more of a buzz or whatever, you know, I didn't want to waste the coke that was falling out my nose. Um, and I remember that first experience of winter and probably the second and third, that kind of feeling and licking my lips and almost being able to taste the cocaine that wasn't there because I was I was clean, I was sober. But I think going again, going back to Pavlov's dog, it was that association. It was just so ingrained in my head that that was supposed to taste like cocaine. So it did. And it was a bizarre feeling. And like I say, it took me a a few years, I think, first three years maybe, to get used to the change in season. And I even felt like my mood change when the seasons were about to change because I was almost anticipating that discomfort. You know, the change wasn't a nice change. Um, and it's quite hard to sort of describe, but where I wasn't exposed to it, like I say, it took a lot longer to get used to it. Now, going back to the Wolf of Wall Street, even though predominantly I was a cocaine user, as most of you are aware, I had two quite intense stints on crack cocaine. Um, particularly um the second stint that got me got me into rehab, really, because my life fell apart on it. But watching someone have a blast on a crackpipe in a film totally like taking me by surprise, that hit me for six. I mean, whether I was a couple of years in recovery or not, that to see that, I mean, that was like the first time I had actually seen, you know, a crackpipe since my days in active addiction. Because where else am I going to see a crackpipe? You know, you're not exposed to that on a daily basis. You know, I I I can walk up the supermarkets and see the booze on on special offer, I can see people drinking a pint, you know, doing all that stuff because, well, one, it's legal, and two, it's socially acceptable. But the crack, obviously, that that's done behind closed doors. And I never thought I'd ever actually see that again, really. I mean, I had no intention to, and I still don't have any intention to. I don't I don't want to see someone smoking crack, it's not a pleasant experience, obviously. Um, and there's no reason why why I would be in that environment. Um, so now although avoidance is kind of key in the early days, it's still quite relevant these days because I don't want to see that. Um, and it's only like in sort of special circumstances when I'm watching a film, and it takes me by surprise that I will ever be exposed to that. But it's still affected me. That's the point I'm making. Triggers, I don't think triggers will ever not affect me, because that's exactly what I mean. The clue's in the name, it triggers you, it it's it sparks something off. Um, I mean, you can have positive triggers as well, you know. You might see something that you associate with a happy memory, and those triggers are lovely, you know, bring them on. But those negative ones, they really can hit you for six. And I think my advice to people struggling with triggers, particularly like I say in the early days, don't be guilty about boundaries. If you have a boundary where you don't want to go to the pub, you don't want to watch a certain TV series, perhaps, anything like that, don't be guilty about protecting yourself. Um, I don't think, like I say, don't go to the other extreme where you're, you know, just sat in your house with your curtains shut, not watching telly or anything. But if you have a boundary and you know that that boundary will keep you safe, then stick to it. That's kind of the best advice I can give you. Um, and also I think um there's a there's a tool called relabeling, it's like kind of reframing. Now, when I do get triggered, I I give myself a little bit of kindness, a bit of um self-compassion or whatever. And I don't how do I explain this? I don't think that I'm in danger. I just kind of reassure myself that it's just my brain remembering an old habit. It's not like, you know, there's not sirens going off in my head going, oh my god, you've got to use, you've got to go and pick up a drink. It's just it is a trigger, it's almost like a warning. That's the way I see it now. And I've I've relabeled it as just just a bit of a bit of a memory, you know. It's my brain doing what it thinks it should do, you know, and that that going back to that learning by association. Um and I think if things ever get too bad, and if there's triggers galore somewhere you go, like I'll use a party as an example, because you know, when you're in recovery, if you go to a party where there's lots of drink and maybe lots of drugs, if you're there and you're triggered, triggered, triggered non-stop, I mean, one, it's not going to be unpleasant, and two, what you're doing there. Like, you know, I as as as I've said before, about that first sober wedding I went to, I I I did everything I shouldn't have done. And I'm I'm I think luck was on my side really, and just you know, white knuckling it for that particular event. And that's the only reason I got through it because you know, you might remember me saying I'd been banned from driving, so I had to rely on a lift. The lift that I was um getting, uh the lady who was giving me a lift, she wanted to stay all day and all night. I mean, she wasn't drinking, you know, she wasn't drink driving or anything, but she kind of wanted to watch the bride and groom's first dance and this, that, and the other. And I I couldn't complain because I was getting a free lift. But I had to be exposed to that all day. Now, if you're ever in that position, if you're listening to this and you're in recovery, whether that's early recovery or years behind you, if you're ever in a place where it's just so uncomfortable you want to leave, then leave. If you can, obviously. If it's that bad, change your environment because that will keep you safe. If you're staying there, you are just doing what that addict brain wants you to do. Because that addict brain does not want you to do well. That addict wants you to pick up that first drink, and it will do everything in its power to convince you that that is the best thing to do, and it's not, and you know it's not. You've really got to kind of tap into your rational thinking and change your environment if it needs changing. Because that's what recovery is all about, changing what needs changing, and that's in the short term, the long term, everything. You know, if if if you're lucky enough to have been a wonderful person in active addiction, you know, with everything going for you and you've got everything in life that you need, you might only need a bit of fine-tuning, you know, to kind of keep yourself in recovery. But you still have to change what needs changing, no but no matter how big or small. And if you need to change your environment, get out of there. But anyway, I think I'm gonna leave it there this week. Um, I hope you enjoyed the episode. If you did, please share it with your friends and your family and anyone else who you think might benefit from listening to it. Uh, and I hope you can join me next week. Thank you.