The CHAARG Podcast

#53] Mary Kesinger: Confidence, Creative Wellness, + Boundaries

February 05, 2019 CHAARG
The CHAARG Podcast
#53] Mary Kesinger: Confidence, Creative Wellness, + Boundaries
Show Notes Transcript

Mary Kesinger [@itsmaryk] is back on the podcast having a "girl talk" with Elisabeth -- chatting about creativity, social anxiety, shame, confidence, social media, decision fatigue, hobbies... + so much more. Make sure to take notes in this episode, so many quotable moments! : )

-- The CHARG Podcast, Episode One With Mary
-- Mary's Blog
-- Creative Confidence by Tom Kelley + David Kelley
-- 5 Minute Journal
-- Figure That Shift Out By Chris McAlister
-- The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up By Marie Kondo
-- Run My World By Mary Kesinger
-- Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
-- The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael Singer
-- Becoming by Michelle Obama
-- Those Bones Are Not My Childs by Toni Cade Bambara
-- Sweat with Mary: Energi Fitness + Sweat Fitness studios + Sweatworking App

spk_1:   0:05
you guys and welcome to the charge podcast today, Married passenger is back on

spk_0:   0:11
Hello, Vermont. Have you back? I can't believe you're

spk_1:   0:14
the very first person I ever interviewed.

spk_0:   0:17
That's crazy. It's been a year. I

spk_1:   0:18
know when he posted on Instagram like

spk_0:   0:21
Wait, it's already been a year That is crazy like only here, but also already right.

spk_1:   0:28
I like that always happens with time. Just so I'm sure most people in the charge community follow you on instagram. But for those who don't, I'd love for you to give us an update on your life since a year ago.

spk_0:   0:43
Yeah, So about a year ago, I was publishing my first book and that was just a passion project of mine that I knew. It always wanted to write a book. And so I just go for it. I self published. It was Run my world, How empowered myself through fitness. And a lot of the story was my journey with the charge community and how I overcame my eating disorder. So the really big accomplishment of mine that achieved beginning of the year and then since then I was also I got promoted on my current drive was no longer a contractor. So I was on full time, got health insurance benefits, which were awesome. And so it was a really big growth of my career. I moved into my own apartment, just exciting living by myself. For the first time, I, uh, like on a lot of trips. I started therapy, which was a great thing for my mental health, very much overdue. But I feel like last year has been kind of figuring out What do I actually want with my life and kind of settling into bit of routine I I also am a fitness trainer on the side. So I've been teaching at a new studio as well and just getting to learn more problem, different pros and just figure out what I'm passionate about.

spk_1:   1:56
All the things all the time. Yes. Oh, it's what are your goals for this year?

spk_0:   2:02
My goals. I have truly hard noise set goals because things can change in an instant. But like I said, intentions for the year and this year I couldn't decide between two. So I have to intentions, and the 1st 1 is to be curious and have experienced more and just put myself out there and not be afraid to explore and try new things to be more creative, more imaginative. And then my main were that all my friends and family keep yelling me to practice is boundaries. I am trying to practice more boundaries in my personal academic acting. I'm not really said a more personal professional. This everything trying Thio, say no more and protect my energy so I could do the things I really want to dio.

spk_1:   2:50
Have you been doing that? It's January. I have. It's been hard. Tell me about that process.

spk_0:   2:56
Yeah, I feel like so for me. My birthday's in early February, so any Aquarius is out there. It's our season's coming up, and I think that for me, January's always time of reflection and deciding like things I've been putting off. Okay, it's time to do them. It's time to really stop putting things off. Just get done. What I want to dio. And so I was like, I need to say no to a lot of things. I've been holding me back and stressing me out, having the cause of a lot of my anxiety and just kinda with my family and different friends just saying no and saying what I need and you upset some people. And but you feel better for yourself and, you know, kind of like I have to put on my own oxygen mask first before I help anyone else. And so far it's been a relief. I know it's been a long time coming. Yeah, yeah,

spk_1:   3:44
that's good. Can you give an example of something that you had to say no to? That was really hard.

spk_0:   3:49
All off often pushed me in the big city. There's so many fun things to Dio, and I always want to say yes to them all and try to all the things. But, like, just because someone invites me to a really cool event that I know would be really awesome and forth while I have to say no, I'm gonna sit at home and, like, people often practice dry January, where they're not drinking to save money to detox. Whatever for me, I've been like I am just going to stay in because it's good for me and, like, um, beginning at like, Lord of one of the first days of the year, I fell running on the ice and I sprained my wrist and I wasn't doing. It's better like I did not run over my brace right now and that I should be. But my mobility's almost there. I just can't lift heavy weights yet, but that was like I feel like whenever I get injuries, it's almost the universe telling me like Okay, slow down, sit home And it was hard for me to put on my clothes. It's hard. Me like a shower. I busted baby, but I'm like, No, I hurt my wrist like I like my life Well, my good belongings. It was a sad day, but it was like I told my friends like, I'm sorry, I can't go out If you want to come over, you can and the ones who did they did and it was awesome and like people who did it feel like it was just like I need to take time for myself and I was able to kind of do other things I wanted to do, like cleaning out my apartment, going on Marie condo and so it was like it all worked out well and I'm going to say no to things like I should have maybe said no to more the direction and then teaching right away. But like when I'm teaching the next day and I spread my wrist, I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna sub for me last minute. So I have invested, Have said no there. But it worked out okay. And I said no other times. And so I just kind of rest and

spk_1:   5:29
he'll not one. Yeah. Are there any other things that you want to let go of this year?

spk_0:   5:37
I'm I'm trying to really let go. Like being people pleaser. I think that I know I should with it all the time. And like implicitly and explicitly But even towards the end of 2018 I posted on my instagram like, what kind of content do you guys want? Do you want? Ah, block. Do you want podcast? You want interviews? What do you want? And a lot of my friends who are also bloggers or influencers. They were just like stop asking. Do what you wanted. It would just create the content you want. Do that's like calling to you something that's such a good wake up. Call it. Yes, you are. You wanted to create content. You want to share content that people like and we'll enjoy. But whenever I create, I do it for myself like whenever I want to write, I do it because something in me is like Okay, I cannot sit still until I have written out these words and feel like it's out on paper and it's right Process it. And so I think, like and I don't have to publish everything, right? So I think those kind of reminded me like creative stuff I want to create. And if it all flows together eventually it will and plague working on another book. I have a few ideas for different books. I want to write, like many years now, but I because of the two ideas I've been stewing with my mind recently. They've been cut, the culmination of just short stories. I write like, written and all right, and even I'm on the bus or something, just like when I have an idea and I just ride it out. It's like, and if I feel like it's gets stuck in my head and doesn't get out on Thio, want paper? Don't actually type. When I write my phone my notes app that I thought I was going crazy and I'll be in my head until it gets out. I want to get it out there, and it's like waiting to escape. So trying to release more people, pleasing tendencies and just focus on trusting my gut when it comes to my passion projects and said, making my passion projects around other people's passions. This is such a good segue

spk_1:   7:39
way. Thio talking about creative wellness Yeah, I am really excited about this. This is actually a topic that Mary came to me wet, and I'm like, I've actually never even heard of creative wellness and what that means, And I know that you first kind of heard about the topic through a book called Creative Wellness. So let's start by just sharing what that topic is and what you learn from the book. Yeah,

spk_0:   8:05
the book is called creative confidence, and it's touches on a lot of design thinking which, if you know that is, that's totally fine. But it's may I work with in my work a lot, and it's a way of thinking to create for the user weather like you're in designing a website Whether you're designing furniture with anything you're designing, it's all about the user in their experience. And that's where it's like the school of thought comes from. And the book Creative Confidence is saying we're all creative and somewhere in our lives many of us, I'm told we are not an artist in whatever way. So we start to associate artistry with creativity, which they're totally different and a lot of my day job Working in tech and doing communications is kind of power and people to feel like they can be creative to be, like more clearly communicating with others. And so with creative confidence. It's the idea that with small successes, you can kind of remind yourself where all that creativity comes from and like, because really, creativity is the ability to solve problems in unique ways, and everyone does that in their own capacity. It could be like in your job you're solving problems. Hopefully, um, or else he may have a job belong, but and even in your personal life like you could be, I'll be at a restaurant. I'm like, Oh, that's this is going really slowly. If they move this around their operations to go more smoothly. Like if If you have a creative mind it meat like it, you're able Thio. See, opportunities in problems doesn't mean you're negative. And I always complaining like, Oh, something is wrong with that. It seemed like this could be improved. It could be improved by doing this and kind of having that mindset and whatever you d'oh. And then whenever you have that creativity, you're able to apply that to the problem with You really care about because there are so many problems in the world. But the problems you focus on are the ones you saw. Um, do to make the world a better

spk_1:   10:09
place. What were your top three greatest takeaways from the book?

spk_0:   10:16
I think that it was a good reminder. Thio, turn Kurt turn fear into courage. I think that my problem I say I'm a recovering perfectionist being a people pleaser and I fear failure. That's like a really big fear of mine and a lot of people's. But in so much of the economy, if you want Thio be innovative and cutting edge, you have to embrace failure and know that you come with that comes a growth. So if you mess up into something wrong, you learn from it. It's I think there's like a 1,000,000 quotes about that. Probably insert there, but you can't grow if you don't feel first. And so I think that turned that idea into, like taking more risks with your creativity and knowing that, like, it may not all work out, But you have I actually one of a really good number to think about it. You have 39 ideas. Just throw him out there at least like one. I was going to be good, but the good ideas often don't come out until, like the 30th idea. So the 1st 30 maybe kind of Commonplace said that you've heard before. You're getting influenced by other people. But once you get past the obvious, you get really creative ideas that are more unique and take a new approach of things. We're about to other takeaways to Arctic ways. Um, I think that everyone is creative and honoring that others because it's easy to be like, Well, someone is just really good at that. There does a better creative person, but I think everyone's creative in their own ways and just trying to look for that, and people are looking for the best in everyone where you are in a group project on same team with them, any of your group of friends. If you're in a really annoying group, text display, reverence, creative and you're not alone it and kind of remember in the bigger picture, Lee bigger collective community and then another key takeaway would be, I think that creativity can be learned and improve. It's a skill you have to practice like if you aren't flexing, your creative muscle is not gonna get any better. So the more creative you on one thing, the more they'll translate. Like in this last year, I've gotten back more into dance. I was a voicemail dancer within. Later in college, I was doing it less and less. I do like a once a week, and then I started going back into classes. Last year, I realized how much it influences my creativity outside the dance studio, just like even if it's I'm not teaching. If someone else is teaching and seeing kind both of their creative process and like learning the routine with, um, it makes me feel like I can think about my own problems in different way, and it just it flex that creative muscle.

spk_1:   13:02
Really? How do you think we can train creativity?

spk_0:   13:09
I think that trying different creative processes, I think that's like my hobbies air so good. Personally, I they're certain I don't consider myself a painter, a drawer artsy. In that way, I'm what we're like graphic design or thinking more digital design and its content. And so for me, and when I hear like, Oh, do you want to a wide and paint night? I'm like, No way. That's the last place I ever want to be and like That's okay. But just knowing that there are other ways of place that created muscle and so like well, one person might really love going to a dance class, my friend Minute like that, And that's totally fine to day. Might prefer to do it with my best friends, went to a gymnastics class, and I'm like, That's my worst nightmare. We took a genetic together, I didn't do anything, and I didn't just like knowing that everyone has their own release and things that they dio and think you don't know. You have those own creative releases until you try them. So a lot of what it must feel like. Oh, I'm a Dole. It's too late to learn hobbies. I didn't know, I think when I didn't do that when I was a kid. Therefore, I can't do it now, and that's not true at all. Like maybe learning a lute. New language might be harder as adult than a child, but like learning new skills, you're still you can still learn new skills. You can do things and just being curious to figure out what those things are for you that this is an

spk_1:   14:38
interesting point. I feel like not many of us really have hobbies anymore. Yeah, you know. And so it's like, Let's get back Thio having hobbies and figuring out What do I like to do? What am I curious about? And sometimes, but like, I have no idea how I think about what you used to like as a kid. Yes, that's a great place to start. Yeah, I think

spk_0:   15:03
allowing yourself playtime and nothing hard for me. I feel like the things that I enjoy for fun. I often find ways to monetize them or make them into a side hustle, and I have to be like, No, not everything has to do that. Sometimes I just want to have leisure time to do what I enjoy just because I can. It's a fun way to do that. I think we're so often encouraged. Be as productive as possible. Were like, inherently told to never turn off, and obviously that leads to burn out, and that's not a good witness. I love for success in longevity and trying to maintain your mental health insanity, but we still do it, and we're like, We still keep yourselves things like patterns like, Oh, I don't have time for hobbies or doing fun things And I think you have to prioritize them and also just find people who do the same things as you. So hold yourself accountable like I got some dance friends that was like, We know we love dancing. But then we're also like, Oh, it just we're so busy this weekend like No, let's go. We know we're gonna love it. We're not. We're gonna feel so much better afterwards. Let's do it. And then, even if it's like trying a different kind of dance class, that's like not your typical whatever your outlet is, but just being carries and trying south because like you enjoyed it as a kid, you're probably gonna drive more now. And you didn't dress, kid. You may still enjoy it now. You may not even realize it like you. I hated the outdoors. A kid. Really? I am really bad allergies. It's a kid like, Oh, that makes sense. I mean, I lived on a farm and was looking like everything on the farm. And so I was like, I'm gonna be the book one staying inside as I loved to read and like, love to do writing and things inside that with my mom, my sisters would go out to the yard with my dad and do your work and like that was, that was and then whatever you told me once you like, you're so outdoorsy and like me outdoorsy. I know has ever told me that before, but I think that I realized I like hiking and outdoors whenever there is not corn around me because I'm allergic to court. So I think that's kind of like realizing, like what? We haven't looking like restraints on ourselves. For what we think is possible. What we haven't tried everything And, like maybe your passion just hasn't been explored yet.

spk_1:   17:14
Totally and just playing for the sake of playing, because I totally resonate with you on, Like, how can I write about this now? Like, how could I be successful during this rest day and like Have

spk_0:   17:27
we've talked about this before? What is this checklist of things to do just so I can simply check it off? Yeah, are

spk_1:   17:33
like my own pleasure. But it's like, How can I just get rid of all that just playful Sega playing? Do something with no other motives and just enjoy?

spk_0:   17:43
Yeah, And I'm like, If no one knew you were doing that, whether it's no, I'm just sharing on instagram Billy just telling a friend or a family. If Houston telling when you're doing it, would you still feel like it was fun to do just to, like, relish in leisure? And I think like we have one. Forget the power that, and it's fun to just like find those little pocket of joy I was reading on Amazon

spk_1:   18:05
about the book and something that it didn't say is that this book will help you become more productive and successful in your life in your careers. And I was really curious your take on this because you are such a productive person and this comes from I'm sure you are recovering perfectionists. But what do you think about that? And also what productivity tips do you have?

spk_0:   18:32
I think that productivity it's really wave say that you are committed to doing what you want to d'oh. Because for me, if there's something I'm procrastinating around, there's a reason why I don't want to do it. And it is, say that again. Say that, yes. If I'm feeling unproductive and I'm procrastinating, it's probably cause I don't want to do that. And I am a very intuitive person. Trust my gut and like, if something's telling me it not do something, there's probably a reason, and I want to dig deeper, like Why? Why don't I want to do with me? It project. It works and doesn't vibe with me. I feel like it's not my strength, not something that I feel is worth putting in a lot of effort to, or even if it's like and I mean, I don't wanna know did you read that? Viral posts about burnout. Millennial generation. Tell me about Santa and I hadn't explained about it. And it's it Say how the manual generation, which I want technically like on the cusp of it. I'm like half millennial, half Gen z, so I don't know. But people are too burned out to do errands and do the little things. And I mean, I get whether article is coming from, but almost like Okay, just get your stuff done. You kind of like something. No one wants to do errands. No wants to little things, but it's like you to believe. Just prioritize what you want.

spk_1:   19:54
A point of it. Were they talking about the different companies like Insta card and things like that

spk_0:   20:00
kind of in a row saying that people are just burned out constantly and it's no longer like a Oh, you hit that. It's time to recover. It's like we're just perpetually burned out, which I can let you drive like no one plans to burn out. And that's the hard part is because you can, like, just constantly shut yourself more thin and burning on both ends, and you're like, No, I just It's temporary, and that's like That's a lot of things that see wrong with how I kind of approached my college education. It was like So Okay, I gotta get to finals. I'm gonna feel burned up, identifies Once they're done, they're done on Bill to relax, and I just work so hard and don't develop a good work ethic that by the end of the semester I am burnout, but I do recover. But then, like once your post grad, you don't have those deadlines anymore. Like once you get to like I had a really big project, it was done in December. I feel we've been talking about for months. I was like, Yes, it's done and the next day is like back to work. I don't get a break and like, and that's just that's kind of life you have to do with it. So, whatever you don't practice good productivity early on it, it's going to be harder in the future. Don't break this habits. And so being able Thio turn your work on and off makes you more productive because if you're like if you incorporate this, playtime's if you know I'm gonna work for these hours. I'm not gonna keep my flick email on me all the time that there's like I've had to learn to take certain work e mails off my phone. I turned off almost all my notifications because it's like it doesn't need to be answered right away and you to draw boundaries again. I'll say boundaries. It's like curiosity. Play many more times during this podcast, but I think you have Thio decide your priorities and lay down boundaries so you could accomplish those priorities. And then the stuff you are procrastinating around decide. Is it really worth your time, or can you find a better way to accomplish them? That's more worth your while

spk_1:   22:00
so good. I love that. What does success mean? Thio.

spk_0:   22:07
I don't know. I feel like I've kind of toward with that lot, and I think success is It's the culmination of many small successes. I think that if you are finding fulfillment in different areas, your life, then you're gonna feel like you succeeded. You do a little happy dance and then you start setting goals for the next way to succeed and it's never ending and it's but it's also never really began. So I think success would just be kind of finding your own personal fulfillment and then learning how that definition in your mind might change and grow over time.

spk_1:   22:40
In what area of your life do you feel the most successful?

spk_0:   22:45
Over the course of my life? I have been really good at succeeding in, like, the traditional way of academically and professionally and do well that way. But I don't know if I have succeeded as much in my relationships, and that's something I've been really calm tuning into the last couple of years and deciding with my friendship, my family's in like any personal relationship. Like what? What? Actually, if it kills me because I'm definitely an introvert. And so sometimes it's hard. Thio be more open up and every always stays. You're so outgoing you like you're so friendly and but you can still be very introverted and need your own time. And so it's like whenever I do want deeper connections, how do I prioritize them? And how do I feel fulfillment out of them? And I think I'm I'm still trying to figure that out because I think those are gonna be more longer lasting than I, The work goals I'm accomplishing and the career goals I'm accomplishing. I think that those are those are definitely very fulfilling. But the end of the day, they're not gonna leave it. Feel like if I were to lose my job tomorrow, would I still

spk_1:   23:54
be happy? Mmm. Do you think you would be?

spk_0:   23:59
I think it would be, Yes. But I know they advertise my life where I felt like if I did was my job would be the end of the world. And I think that that's also a try. Get out that mindset, like the very anxious, like the world's always gonna end. You're never safe and secure. I'm trying to get out of that mindset. But I think that you do have had Ask yourself like okay. If I was gonna have nothing tomorrow, what would be the most that would matter to me

spk_1:   24:29
and then for you? What would that be? I think it would

spk_0:   24:33
be the people in my life. But then I think also it be myself in knowing that, like my independence in college, I can entertain myself. Aiken, sustain myself. I can directly on my own. My self worth, I

spk_1:   24:48
guess. Absolutely. I know that having those deep connections was definitely something that girls wanted to talk about and how to create those deep connections, especially after college. Can you give any tips on that? Yeah,

spk_0:   25:05
it's really hard. I think that looking back, I don't know how many deep connections I had during college. I feel like I had a lot of different friends, different friends, groups and but not my people knew me like the full meat and all is one. And sometimes I still wonder if they do see that just because I feel like I wear different hats lot of time. But it's like I'm still me at the end of the day, and I think that it does just take time best after college whenever your friends, you're no longer on the same schedule like some are still in school. When I was in grad school, I was on very different schedules of my friends who had started working already or who taking a gap year and traveling or different or just different ages and me, and we're all going different schedules and just trusting in yourself, and then you're ones were catched with that. Like even if you don't have the same relationship as you used to, it's still a relationship. I think it just builds timeto slowly, expose more of yourself to other people and like be more vulnerable that you you feel more trusted and able to connect with them more. And I think that whenever you do find those deep connections, you are able to feel more secure in yourself, too. So it's it's cyclical, not one or the other. Like I know we can talk about how the creative confidence that comes with a community and there's when you like inherently, everyone's going to crave deep connections because we all want that we belong. And how about you? I've definitely feel like the black sheep. On many occasions, that felt like I don't belong anywhere. I'm so outside. When you have given us deep connections, you feel so secure that you're able to take more risks, able to be more of yourself and able to really ask yourself, What do I actually want? What do I if I'm not trying to please anyone else? If I'm not trying to impress anyone else, what is my gut telling me at the end of the day, and it's really hard to take those wrists if you don't have those deep connections within a

spk_1:   27:08
community. I love everything that you just said. What do you feel like? Is Ah, hat that you wear that most people don't see and then you want.

spk_0:   27:24
That's interesting. I think that someone's come for me a lot in the last year is kind of funny that like I cry a lot and I like it something as it is a kid. I cried all the time like my family dad, the cry baby. And I was like, I like a quiet, good, bad Nothing. I just I cried like any strong emotion, and that was something I really kind of covered up in my early twenties and was, like, tracked toughen up And then everyone's like girl Boss, you're so tough yourself, like be a all this and that kind of added to like this. It was like trying to not show any vulnerability on then I like this Last year, though came out and I was like crying all the time, only the amount of times I cried on the C t. A. bus in Chicago like just bring some things and like I think it was just like I had held him for so long. And I I read a book that was interesting. Um, women who run with the wolves, the wild woman aren't I need to read this book. It's everywhere. It was like, Came out of the 94 is born, but it's like it was so fascinating. And there's like I talk a lot. It's a lot, but there's one nugget. I loved it. It was like the woman who was crying let the tears fall like there's a reason that those air Taser coming. There's something trying to, like protect her from and because, like when you're crying, kind of scares people away. Exactly. That's why I want to work on now on. That's what I think. I got it like sometimes it's a protective barrier, and I think that, um, for me has been kind of like my way to be like help. I need help. I'm being vulnerable because I don't know how to express. I need help. And until offerings of Billy I, there's been so many friends who have known me for years, and, like live in Chicago was like six and 1/2 years and they've been like, I've never seen you cry. I don't know what to do, like I want to help you, but I've just never seen this side of you. And I'm like, What have you ever like? Well, okay, Yeah, you're right. You haven't seen inside of me. And so I think that hat's kind of coming out and like, I'm a very emotional person. And then when people like you don't seem like it like Like what? What words like disconnection coming from. I think that I'm so deeply emotional. And I think that it's a really good part of me because I'm able to empathize more others and connect more, did with others like, Hey, I feel you are right there with you. And that's why do you have good connections? So we're trying to, like, not hide that hat so much and then, like, this is a very important part of me. And like I cry but cry with me like, you know

spk_1:   30:08
who I love that. Do you remember the first moment that you cried like in the past year and just really almost like you had that release and you did it in public and it felt good and allowed you to continue crying more. I'm

spk_0:   30:27
trying to think a lot of times I've been, like, embarrassing. I really should be crying right now, but there is I think, that there's been a couple with my friends and they was just catching up with them and then, like, tears came out and I was like, Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Don't be sorry. And it was just like it was good to like, get the hook afterwards and be like, Yeah, you're not alone and it's okay to cry.

spk_1:   30:50
So, yeah, I love this so much. That is actually something that we wanted to talk about is just insecurities and challenges that we've overcome in the past. And obviously showing emotions is such a huge one. What is a fear that you are really working out right now? You talked about all the different things that you want to release. Is there anything else that you are kind of

spk_0:   31:14
working with? Well, it's funny you gave me the book type shit. Yeah, you get me a couple years ago and it's funny. I feel like I've written about that a bunch and I'd be like, my biggest fear. My deep fear is the fear of judgment. But then I reread the book a couple months ago, and I'm like, That wasn't even one of the fears. Like, I just made that up so out of it came from, But somehow it really resonated me. But like I've read the book again and the one I think my fears have definitely changed. My fear of last year is been like if I'm not there for my like, if I'm not there for myself, no one else will be And just constant feeling I have to be independent because no one else will be there to support me. Like if I fall, I gotta be the one catch myself. And so, like, my fear is a lot of his failure, but it's because I feel like I'm going to figure it all my own and so kind of again, being open to being vulnerable in trusting other people and realizing that, like Okay, yes, I can be independent, but I don't have to be. And then Mickey German is not giving that power to anyone who's undeserving, like people who I trust, they earn the trust and kind of going with that. And I think the biggest challenge for me is feeling that sense of security without needing affirmation like I was one of your fears to your right. And it's so hard because one of my five love languages is like my main one is worth of information. And that's how I grew up and my parents talked with me and my siblings. Talk to me. Always did love deformation ads, how I know I can trust some. What is it? I tell me. So if you don't tell me, I, like, create a narrative, my head that you hate me, you change your mind and like the most dramatic things. And it's so challenging to overcome that and just start to, like, recreate the narrative in your head that you don't need that and like this. So my boyfriend said a few months ago, and he said that like he knows that likes my to struggle with. And he said that I could tell you everyday how worthy you are, love, but like I can't be the one to convince you that you have to persuade yourself that I'm like I have some work to do. So true. Yeah, I mean, why would I put that? Do they handle someone else to convince me of that? That's not fair. I should have to commit anyone else that they're worthy of love either. And I'm like, Wow, if someone told me like, Okay, it's your job to give it to him, I really do. I'm sorry. No. So it totally makes sense. And I'm like, Okay, yeah, it's just finding. I think like those hats I open the world being emotional and being like being crier tryingto love that. And so like feeling a shame for the tears being like you up at the part of me that my emotions are a strength of mine. And maybe the tears could be embarrassing, sometimes inscrutable way. But like being emotional is what am I like? As my therapist says, it's like my intensity is one of my superpowers on DSO be able to shift that narrative and own it is really important to loving yourself and gamble. Thio, get rivers here is if you like. No, I'm turning this into my own story

spk_1:   34:33
have you been working? I'm sure you have. But with your therapist on believing that you are worthy And if so, what are some tips that she's given you?

spk_0:   34:45
Yeah, I think we worked a lot and it's it's hard. I think it's overcoming your like, deeper fears and a lot of it goes back Thio when you were younger and not necessarily even like often people think like we're going through your childhood stuff. It's a lot. I mean, it can be more recent than that, too. But just thinking like what happened that made you feel ashamed. And I think that we, the subject of shame, is so interesting because it's hard to define. And we whenever something goes wrong in our lives again, maybe something is poorly received. We get embarrassed is different than being embarrassed because feeling ashamed is whenever you say not. My actions were bad. But I am bad. And then you internalize that and you don't want to get back to that. The personal, the bad persons, you're always trying to escape that person. That fella shame and you're running away from that and that that fear is manifesting itself in not being your true self because you felt ashamed for at some point. And so I think I have, like, thinking through that whenever you start to feel not worthy, ask yourself. Okay. In this moment, why don't I feel worthy right now? So, like, if you were looking in the mirror and you saw just like if you had a shower in the mirror and you would say a negative comment to yourself and be like Why am I saying this? Where is that coming from? Where ever heard before? Was it on TV with the commercial? Was it some mean boy in high school? I don't know. Like with its Where did I start Thio here that some part of me was not good. And where did I start to attribute it to shame. And then, if you could, like, trace it back to a certain point or even I got it. Siri's of points. And you're like, while right, why would I think that that doesn't make sense. That's not fair to myself. And then you start to, like slowly tell yourself I am worthy. I am like I am loved and it takes practice a lot. And there will be certain days were ill like whenever I even like, leave My sprained my wrist. I was so mean to myself that day I'm like you're so stupid. Like you should have been running at night. She wearing those shoes. You should have been more careful. You should have been there. And it's like, Why was I so hard on myself for falling on? I feel like that is like, I can't avoid that. I mean, Okay, babe, I sat and better. Maybe I could avoid it, but it didn't. And I shouldn't have to be so hard on myself for that. And being like, No, this is a sign that I need to slow down and take a break from working out so much, or maybe dance more. I've been dancing with more, and I loved it, and that's been kind of my release. And so I had to do yoga because I can't do a plank, which is like, really sad. But I'm like I'm doing stuff in other ways, and so I think, just kind of you just have todo take ownership of your own narrative and your own story, and because even that sounds crazy We all have voices in our head They're constantly got answer light And we the second we make it our voice the sooner we're gonna be happy.

spk_1:   37:51
Yeah, I was just thinking about that Like the stories that we create our insane. Did you ever read the another soul? Yes. Oh, it's so good. Yeah, it really comes down dim awareness. And I think that really is the first step of just walking over that bridge. Right? Because the first thing to be aware that you are self sabotaging yourself. Yeah,

spk_0:   38:18
and that's what I definitely command yet another in Seoul or any of the brain A brown books that's like myself because I have theirs. I recommend a couple that I think you're like the best ones because she's got a ton and she just speaks so authentically and like she refers thio them as shame gremlins. So we often doesn't think like we're all alone. No, not like me. No one else feels this way. But we all have a shame. Grandma's that creep up on us and kind of tear down our narrative and make us feel bad about ourselves. And we have to be like recognize them be like, Okay, I hear you, But she sure you're done, You're out. And just actually putting those positive voices in our head. I'm definitely gonna read your books. And she's also just hilarious to a sassy Texan mom. And she's like, I don't know, whatever. I mean, there was recommends a book. You're like, OK, She because she's a shame Research tomorrow, I'm like, Okay, what am I gonna read here? But she's very good. Uh, you read so much books I love to read. How do you absorb

spk_1:   39:22
all the info? Do you have any processes that you do where you have takeaways from the books and you're implementing them in your life? I

spk_0:   39:31
wish I had better get through this, but I've always been a reader. I've also always been a fast reader, and I think people who have read my book or my blog's know that I don't like fluff. I have very to the point kind of person, and I don't really care for the unnecessary details, even though some people they love that and that's their artistry. And that's their characterization. But like I am reading a book, I just want to get the fax. And so when I read, I think I read quickly because I probably skin more than other people do. I don't really soak in the books, is hoping their names and their details. And I do always

spk_1:   40:06
read Or do you do audio?

spk_0:   40:08
I don't like audio too much. Never tried. I tried. I won't try it for Michelle Obama's book because I heard her voice is just like angelic. So I need to read that. Listen to that. But when it comes to reading, I feel like I I'm I still read it by skin more than others, and I think that I a lot like nonfiction books. I try to reflect on afterwards, so I feel like cold. A journal. Afterwards, I'll have his law thoughts, and I'm just like I read a book. I think about it and then I just right get my thoughts out and I just kind of store in my Google drive and like I know there was a real read, that kind of hope not, but this just gets a thought out there and then sometimes I do like to go back and look at it and kind of see like, Oh, what was I feeling like whenever I read that book and I'm like, Oh, right. That's kind of how that book made me feel and sound like someone asked me how book was, and I'm like, Oh, I liked it What you like about that? I'll go back and look at my notes and I kind of see it. But I think that I also just born to every books that I like. I'll give it, like, 50 pages if I'm not totally invested in escape. And I think also, um, I tell all my friends, Do you have a big library person? I mean, I still have a ton of books in my apartment, and I dream of having a giant bookshelf one day full of 100 bucks. I won't want, like the ladder you can like side. I want that. But I don't buy books too often to save money for sure, but I like to consider it dating books, so I'll check them out. Library. You have three weeks to read it, so you're held accountable. You have to bring in three weeks or else you're gonna find for and then like if I love a book, and I know I want to read it again or no, I wanna lend it out. I'll buy it. But if I If I have read it, I'm like If it's good, I'm just like I don't I don't need to keep that on my shelves and I just return it and that's that. And like, I'll still have it like my library. APPA tracks the books I've checked out so I can still look to see what I've read. And I keep logs of all the books I read, but I think it's also kind of making for me. That's my playtime, like I don't like watching TV or movies too much. It's It's a really good show, but for me it kind of puts me to sleep where I catch myself multi tasking. You're on my phone and people feel that way with reading for me. I'm like, if I'm in a book, I'm in a book and so that's kind of my playtime to that's what make I alternate between nonfiction and fiction to keep it kind of fun and trying other things.

spk_1:   42:34
So that's a good idea, A library card.

spk_0:   42:37
I recommend it and I think that, like, I mean, I've never gone into a library. Tried to look for a book because that sounds awful. But I use the app, and I just looked the book up and even know there was. Yes, there's an app. So you look a book up, you put a hole on it because often the most recent book, there's gonna be a long hold on it so you can have it, too. Like I think, five books air time on hold and they'll let you know was ready for Pick up when you go on, pick it up and you got it.

spk_1:   43:03
What library do you go to

spk_0:   43:04
others? One. It's like the near North library. There's wine, like in part to buy dope all they have all around the city. And that's what and like, I know you could get audio books that way to you can get on different things, and it's just a good way to until, like Phil, it's a different kind of pressure. Is like always books my shelf Reverend to read. It's like OK, about three weeks. If I don't read it, I really didn't want to read it right, right and like, if you don't read it and it's like I'm not hurting

spk_1:   43:33
the book, no, Yeah, yeah, I hold me accountable to that. I will. I wanted to get a library card. What you're eating right now?

spk_0:   43:44
I am. I just finished a book. Actually, it was reading a book for work on storytelling. The next book I'm trying to read, Though it is a fiction book, I need to kind of break it up and go back to a little bit of fun. But it's cool. I think it's called Not my Child, but it's kind of traveling, kidnapped. We'll assume all you know how that one goes. I really want to

spk_1:   44:07
talk about creativity and body image, especially because this podcast comes out. We will be doing the Body positivity Challenge, which I am so exam. You talked about how creativity is influenced by body image, and I want you to share what you mean by this. Yeah,

spk_0:   44:27
so, like I said, creativity is all about solving problems and kind of being open to the world and seeing things different perspectives and looking for opportunities to solve, said problems. But one thing I noticed with body image So I I said in this podcast. But I struggle with an e disorder for a couple of years with body dysmorphia because see my body differently than it actually Waas orthorexia being obsessed with clean eating, a healthy and then for a while, bulimia, which is the binging and purging and the raw. All of that. I was so fixated on body image that I was not aware of my surroundings at all. I was not looking for how to solve a pose, problems or so problems that give me joy because I was so fixated on myself and like, I don't mean that in a narcissistic way because I think that sometimes that come when you say that people are like, Oh, having an eating disorder is kind of privileged mental health issue because you're so wrapped up in your body that you're not thinking about other people and it's it's my kid's mental illness. You. It's not that, and it's the most like it has the highest mortality rate of any and health issue, and so it's true taking very seriously. But what I mean is that and you're you're stuck in your own little box and you can't. You don't have the passion or the curiosity to explore the problems. And so for me, when you have a good body, imagine when you feel secure yourself, you're more likely to take risks and be like, Oh, I can solve this. I can do that. I'm gonna try this because you're not worried about Is my body worthy of anything? And it could even be. I think it's warming his body image to its. You're just overall self worth, so but I think it's one of those things that people may not even realize their full potential until they overcome their own body image issues.

spk_1:   46:29
Well, it's so good. What is your relationship look like with your body right now,

spk_0:   46:36
I have to constantly remind myself how much better it is then when it was a few years ago, and it's been kind of weird right now because I haven't lifted weights and several weeks doing just one. I didn't want to work out, and I was like, Stop and so I I feel like my body looks different. I know it's probably people. It doesn't look different with it, and soon it'll be like, Oh, like that's I just feel like a little different. But then I I trying to buy myself. I still feel like me. And so the reflection I see in the mirror does not reflect how I feel me. And if I didn't have a mirror in front of me, what I really feel much different like No, I'm still I've still been doing a lot of cycling, a lot of dancing. I still feel strong, and I still like I feel good about myself. I feel like I'm attractive and it's not like I I'm like, I think that it's also kind of hard to do this around the time where everyone is talking about diets and New Year. And so that was the hard thing. Cause I I hold is a really hard to be around and, like, I have to know a lot of people struck with. How do you turn the conversation away from negative body talk? Because people like am during the holidays to talk about Oh, I shouldn't be eating so much, but like January 1st that New Year hits and everyone's like whole dirty this that diet detox and you're like I just want to keep doing what I'm doing, and that was on one day at a time. And it's you're like you can't tell anyone to shut up because that's coming route. But you can learn how to, like, tone that out. First of all, like just know that they're coming from their own place of insecurity, unfortunately, and just to try and shift the competition more positive, like just if se I think people often just like to compare you like yesterday I was at the office and are we ever win this office where there's, uh, food snacks laid out and I went to the break room and grab an apple because I had some are ex parte peanut butter and I wanted an apple with peanut butter and then, oh, another woman and I don't even work with her. I don't even our name. And she goes like, um well, I got the chips and you at the apple like there are many apples. There are many chips, and I'm just like and the like. I come from a place of insecurity, like she felt like probably I was judging. You're taking chips, which didn't even cross my mind. Thinking I wasn't looking what she was getting out. Just try to get my apples and go back to work. And I think people it comfortably in security and just reminded them like it's okay. You want chips, like Go for it Like it. We all ate the same things for every single meal. Appreciate like a dystopian society and we'll be miserable. So if we didn't have variety, then what would be doing? And just like, I have to remind myself that I can I have the power to shift the conversation to. I'm not just like the passive person a part of the healing this conversation that is speaking up when I need to and also just turning out when I need Thio.

spk_1:   49:47
How have you spoken up about it?

spk_0:   49:50
I whenever if we get dessert and reading desert everything Oh, I wonder, like how my car just be how much time writing on treadmill for this? People say this stuff, and I'm just like and we also have surround myself. A lot of people of brands that no one talked without any more like that was I don't know. I think that the wellness space we were very lucky that these attitudes have changed whenever you hear those and I'm like, No, it's okay. Treat yourself. You deserve it. It's not the end of the world, it's not that much. And I think people overestimate how like, oh, it's gonna ruin your world. It's gonna and like I think I've seen me was words even like Oh, some people that can eat a burger and not get any way I eat a burger and I gained £10 like that's that's warped. That's body dysmorphia because you're thinking that it's gonna change your body in a way it's not, and you're being way too hard on yourself and just like just champion for other people whenever they feel it secured like No, you're good. You look awesome. You could You deserve to have this and just being that positive person, and then whenever. If I'm eating something, and so once it's about what I'm eating, Really. Oh, did you work out this morning? Why does it matter? And just like, I don't know, just kind of being sassy owner, that narrative to I think that's also been hard for me to kind of like when I came my book and I'm like the, however knows I had any disorder and people read my book like not know to what extent I had any disorder That was kind of scary. Would just owning it and being like, I'm not the only one we all start with. And you hear how much media talks about food and diets and just knowing that it always brands can just preach, preach, preach the different foods you should or shouldn't

spk_1:   51:34
eat. You can speak up for yourself. Absolutely. What advice do you have for people? Thio almost shift. They're focused or the scope of their focus because I feel like it can get. It could be really easy to just focus on what I'm gonna do for my workout today. Like what my body just like, be focusing on that. How could we still live a healthy lifestyle, but not that beyond our minds all the time?

spk_0:   52:01
Yes, that it's a struggle for a lot of people. I know I had that problem in the past. I think again is reminding, reminding yourself of your priorities. So, like if you're still trying to figure out goals to set or if you do like somebody. I do monthly goals for myself. Make sure you're allowing balancing those, because so often we're like we feel we don't take ownership of our own academic or professional goals. That and say We just focus on what we can't control. And those might be our workout and our diet and that control place where you feel like we can't control our lives. So we put with my loathing that can control, and that's leading to be in control freak, and we don't want to do that. And so I think that for save your setting to fitness wellness schools, make sure you're also setting to personal goals that are unrelated to finish elicit makes. You're saying too career or schools that are unbelievable. It'll make sure you feel you well around a plate. So you're covering work life health, because you need help Tamala schools to be your best self absolutely. And those small changes do add up. But the end of the day you work out maybe an hour a day, 4% your day and then you have your meals. Which ticket for how much tired, eh? What percentage of that is in. So if you're focusing all of your energy into a very small amount. Your day you're taking away from other time to give you spent doing bigger goals and like you don't even be eating all day. The moral of this stuff you like. I feel like someone's all be in the zone, work on a project and I'll go a few out of that meeting and I'll be like, What? I don't go without eating and like, you're my body was fine. And then I'm like, Okay, time to eat a big meal and it's okay is being like Is it time for my snack? It I told myself I could have one snack today. The time that snack. Yet I'm waiting for that snack. I really want that snack. I know we've over there and it's hard, and I think you just got up to look at the bigger picture and just hold yourself accountable and say I want to accomplish more than just making my body my temple because yes, you live in your body is your temple. But you do our stuff in it to you wantto we'll have a full balanced life in

spk_1:   54:16
that temple. Absolutely. I think something that has really helped me is just figuring out what I want my workout routine to be that Sunday. In the past, I never really had specific times that I wanted to work out classes. I want to go too. Just like

spk_0:   54:33
Well, I just want to see how I feel. Like I had such great intentions for it, right? It's like, I don't know how I'm

spk_1:   54:38
gonna feel on Friday. I want to decide on Friday, but it's like that it doesn't work that way in a really life, right? Like for me? I realized if I was to wait until that day to decide, I was just thinking about what I'm gonna work out when I feel good. And it just took up way too much brain space. So instead setting it on Sunday For some reason, something drastically changes on Friday. Maybe I don't feel like working out. I won't unnecessarily okay, if I'm like, Oh, I I'm actually gonna go Soulcycle with Sarah s J like that's totally okay to and not dwelling on it. But that really helped me free up a lot of space. Yes,

spk_0:   55:18
for sure. The decision fatigue that comes with so much of it. And that's why I value routine so much. I think that often people are like I don't want to live a routine life that's boring. I want to be spontaneous and fun, but you don't want to make constantly making small decisions that and if you work through those big, fun life things And so the more you're able to narrow down those decisions early on the weak like Okay, I know I'm gonna be eating my meals here. I'm doing these workouts. I'm like, I'm sometimes Oh, plan on my outfits and I just get made fun of so much for that. But I'm like, I I also just as national policy used to be, so I don't care as much. But whenever I do, when I feel good is taking decision Abbott early in the morning, when you're not maybe your best your little groggy or have annoyed you to get up or whatever it is. So when you are able to produce a decision fatigue and just get down with and then also not feeling like you derailed your plans, if something gets messed up like oh, my goodness, that you didn't get to work out on Wednesday. It's okay because you still have your workout plan for Thursday. Or if, say, if you allowed were arrested on Thursday and you Mr working on Wednesday, you just switch the days when Opal to overstate its fine worked out. And just knowing that your plan could be flexible and you could be flexible with routine. It's not the end all be all decision

spk_1:   56:43
fatigue is just such a real thing. That's what I'm trying to get better.

spk_0:   56:47
Yeah, that's also a lot of ties into creativity as well, because if you are the problem, Transall are How about a gay your workout in for the day? Then of course, you're not gonna have time for that. And it's man that that just have to be obsessive or in this order, I think it just means that you're just frazzled and need. Thio just decided making decisions that, yes, make a decision. And I think it's also if one week you don't make the decision, you're like that felt weird. I'm just not feeling the morning workout the next, but you can change

spk_1:   57:17
it. You're not married to it. You are on social media so much. And this, of course, has a major impact on our confidence. So I'd love to hear how you work with social media, how you utilize it for its benefit. Yeah,

spk_0:   57:36
I My attitude toward social media has changed a lot in the last year because I think about where I was a year ago. I feel like I was building my brand, and that's kind of how I felt during college and then through my book. It was like, Okay, until I have. I have always known I want a career marketing and that often include social media. So it's like, Okay, if I can't prove myself on my own brand, how can I prove to anyone else that I could make their brand really good? So I felt like I had a duty Thio build this social media Braley, I don't like your followers remains or the more about engagement. That's why I love it, that I've made so many friends through social media and that become real life friends. So it's a great tool. I don't regret ever doing that at all, but then when I start to feel like work and it feels inauthentic and I I'm very aware whenever I start to feel a little icky and not like me and in the last year, like my books kind of died down as it died down. But, like, I just not tryingto probably all the time. Or I'm like, I just want to be like a real person just post, because I feel like it and not feeling. I'm trying to present a persona, but it's more so just neither. A reflection of you could think that often people feel obligated to show every side of them so you'll see the full picture. But I'm gonna feel misunderstood tomorrow. What? Because people they look for themselves in whatever you post. They look for things that resident with them. They make that assumption and they connect with that. And that's really good or bad. But when you let that affect you, then it can be bad. You're like, Why does every keep thinking that that's not me? And like I think we're like, You're so social. You're so outgoing and I'm like, No, I'm not. I'm like sitting at home. Why do you think that? And then it's like people latch on to they think it looks like I am very included and I thought something. I kind of realized in therapy a lot. I felt very excluded for like most my life. I always felt like I was oddball. Out was never I was like, weird. And that's kind of why I lashed onto my introvert tendencies because I have this fear of being excluded. I think now in Chicago, I have found a community where I never feel excluded. It's amazing. But then I forget that so many people still don't feel like saying that the belonging and I'm like, I want to make sure they feel included. I want make sure everyone feels like they could have a seat at the table. And so, trying to make sure that people aren't captives on social media. Okay, I'm kicking him in real life or in building more than just a banter back and forth through D EMS on the way, just also not taking everything at face value. And I went on, I kind of tried tried a couple different approaches to stay off social media last couple months over the holidays, I just deleted the apse for my phone, and usually I'm type where I'm like. No, you should have self control. You're definitely them. But I'm like, No, I got to lead them. And it was good for me just to like I don't need to say a cop on everyone all the time. I underst they caught up with me and my feelings to myself. And so it was really good. It can take a break from that. And I also I went Marie condo on my following I unfollowed like 1500 people in two days. How did

spk_1:   1:0:52
you do that? How long did that take you also? Oh, my God.

spk_0:   1:0:56
I was so I love taking baths. I know I've said a lot of pockets. I love baths. A proud supporter. Bass and I was in there for, like, two hours unfollowed thing, and I was like, I've been here for two hours. I need to go in bed and like you insecure does not allow you to all once because I stopped you two break it up in spurts like that's what many people, I think like 200 time. Maybe so you can. There are raps. You can do it all I do. I'm madly for you. And because I was inspired my co workers, like how people can you and follow you were all like this is a ridiculous amount of people to keep up with the wrong crowd challenge herself. Who? Come on, follow. And I think also you could still be friends that pulling on social media like it. I think people we know that social media is fake, but it's if you're not following someone else. Who? You just cut them out? No, you're still a human. I just choosing what I want on my feet And it's so nice now l'd like I'll tell me you're all caught up. I've never had that. It tells me I'm always up for from my beetle till you've seen everything Oh, whoa, I know mine blow. I've social media less because I'll go on it and I think you're hot. But I'm like, Oh, I don't need to check it for because I feel like whenever you follow 1000 people, you're like, I've never kind of There's always something I'm missing, even I don't care. It just you feel like it's like that feeling when you have 1000 e mails in your inbox you're never caught up. You're always You're overwhelmed constantly. And so when you cut that out and like I mean it, I still go on look fuels post, wouldn't it? Other than dance videos, I don't follow them because I don't want to see it on my feet all the time because I'm not always having my headphones in. I don't need, like, rap music blanket work on my oops. I wouldn't put him a phone, but I am. And so I think just drawing the batteries and like, it's not a personal thing. You just got a clean it up, your feel better, or and then, like, just also I know in six months I'm really gonna go through it again. Like whoever involved I don't want to

spk_1:   1:2:54
see. And so, how many follow our would be? How many people are you following now? Like 400. Okay,

spk_0:   1:3:02
we're just still. That's a top, right? I think I am. I My co workers sent me an article like 1 50 is the magic number of how many people you can really connect with. What you've got, I think like like five close friends, 50 friends and like 100 acquaintances otherwise your brain is like you don't remember names, you won't know anyone. And it's so hard whenever you want network and you want to just meet everybody, you know that people are really cool and you want to do it all on Be a good friend, but like you can't do that. And so even those like technology and social media has enabled us to be so hyper connected. We gotta keep boundaries of herself. And also know that like when you draw boundaries, you're able to have a deeper connection. So, like I'm at fault when people. But if I don't know their name, I've been following them forever. You only know their user name like you. Like I told a lot of people I'm like, Okay, I know We got a lot of the same events I know their instagram handled. I couldn't tell you their face or name. Faisal numbers in Oh, I'm sorry I got on volume like I would love to get you more in person, but this, like this halfway, so should be halfway in person. It's not working for me and you and like I think I've lost like because I tried to check by forgetting I've lost like, 20 followers since then. I know

spk_1:   1:4:17
because people have those APS that they check

spk_0:   1:4:20
Yeah, on. And it's like, it's kind of funny I had, um there is one guy message me. And, like, I admit, I've seen them, probably wants in Chicago and like, he's been a friend, like a lot of same fitness events. And he was like, Oh, wow, you unfollowed me harsh. And I'm like, I haven't seen any your post on my feet and forever like, maybe you don't post Maybe you D'oh! I don't anybody. And I'm like, I still see you and other social media platforms like I still talking to you. So I'm like, Sorry, we're still cool. And he was like, Man, I liked your content Thio Well, and he followed me and I was like, Oh, on And I'm like, you still followed me to my content like you're taking this too personally, I still see like his tweets. And he's hilarious. I just see among the grid, but a lovable that would follow me to see if I follow them, follow them and they follow it back. They realized that I was still following them. Regular Petty. Oh, my God s so silly. And like I think that that's why I'm so fascinated by digital behaviors in psychology because we say that these like traditional psychology, it transfers over to digital. But it's very different And, like people get weird about things, and it's just you have to remember like life exists outside

spk_1:   1:5:35
of it. Yeah, that's so interesting. I am so curious to see the research that will come out 10 years from now

spk_0:   1:5:42
because all of this up really is still so new it is. And that's like I most of my closest friends and family don't follow me on instagram or like they don't have instagram. They never check it. And like so it's funny how a lot of them don't seize up. I talk with them, realize they don't need to see it, you know? And so it's kind of like, Are you really good with people in? Yeah, I think people are very definitely Answer me very interesting to see how it's affected us and how we build our relationships and how we define our deep connections.

spk_1:   1:6:11
Yeah, how do you want social media to play a role in your life this upcoming year.

spk_0:   1:6:19
That's a good question. I think that I want it to help me. Maybe it gets stronger relationships with one off friends like Piers. There's a lot of friends that I've met through mutual friends out to say that we are friends of the transitive property. And so I'm like, Hey, you're best friends or you're good friends with this person. I'm good for that this person. So obviously he has men in common and following them again to know them more than be like, Let's talk with it. You never let me know in Chicago. Let's hang out and trying to build the pushing chips more because I have found a lot of good friends That way, I don't want to be like no difference. I'm done making like and just try to be open to that, I think also trying to expand with other communities. So, um, I I've made a post recent instagram a lot of good feedback from it. One of the dance classes I go to is unhealthy, called Healthy Hood in Pilsen, which is like more on the southwest side of Chicago, and when I first went to classes there. I was the only white girl. It was just very different from the very much, very white north side of Chicago. And I've met a lot of close friends there and kind of realizing like we a lot in common. And I'm just kind of my own little bubble. And I have to actually put myself out there and become more involved with communities. I want to reach out to you like they're not. It's not gonna come to me and I'm gonna fall in my lap. I have to work out like workout and try Thio, reach other people. And I think that's like, kind of if I die, I wanna be I wanna blawg and right But I think I want Thio keep doing the run your world and show their people on how they run their worlds. But then they aren't just like me, like Okay, someone's running the world in the same way that I am. I won't expose more diversity and get more stories out there. And just like the more you hear of people succeeding and just struggling, both go hand in hand. You can't succeed that struggling, and here I feel stories. People be more inspired, take their own rest. So I think trying to social Media Thio connect with others in that way. Have you ever struggled with social anxiety? Yes. Yeah, I I think that it's kind of cold. Better is being a dole. Um, but growing up again, I've always felt excluded and like I had never went to put myself out there because I like the weirdo and I'm still terrified of tutors. To this day, I think that teens a really scary So I'm just saying I don't like them on. And I think it just comes from this fear that people won't like me. And so I want to I do everything I can to please them. And instead of being like, I want to capture people for being different, I don't want to be around like minded people all the time. And I think that social anxiety I've learned personally too. Just remember that we're all humans and we all want to kill people. And so, like, whenever I go, if I go to the event and I go to buy myself a lot like I travel a lot alone, I just enjoyed myself and not be a pretty spark up a conversation.

spk_1:   1:9:31
How do you do that?

spk_0:   1:9:33
I just like I mean, what would I talk about with a close friend? And I go somewhere. So

spk_1:   1:9:37
if I'm just sitting over there and you see me and you like, what? I want to talk to this person. Like, what would you say?

spk_0:   1:9:45
I would like cold group someone and just kind of like hitting on them. I wouldn't do that. But like I'm trying to think in in an elevator, I'm always like trying Thio. You talking to you like I practiced like, elevator talk, or like in the hallway at work. Like even if I don't know someone, I see them while we're still co workers. I just don't know what they're doing, but try to smile and say, Hi, we're in the break room just like tosses on TV, Not about food, but like I think, this practicing Whenever you're in a social situation, it's good. And like I wish that when I was in college more I would have practiced it more like your ransom by people in college, like in the library, in your classes and just learning like you can talk to someone and like, doesn't mean you're best friends either. Like, I think often there's like obligation. If I talk to someone, they have to know my name. I need my car. They did my social media handle. Like you can just talk with the mother was there talking to one of being nice. Like I'm trying to think of an example when I was traveling recently, Um, hi. Oh, it's a good example. I was in New York in October and I stay with my sister for a couple days, and then I was with my best friend's lives there, too. And then we're gonna go to SoHo House on the Sunday to go to the pool because it was like, unseasonably warm October. And so it was like a fool. But she was sick. I think I got her six. I had to get again. I had had lost our last year. That was Don't know why. So I went to the home alone and I by the pool and like I want people. But it was like a little scared, too. And then I was reading a book and then the guy behind me was like, You read that book so fast on. I was like, You're watching me, you know, I got a little insecure doing that. And then he said how he was in our design thinking book and he was like, I actually am a graduate from Stanford's design school and he's my professor. I took that class that yearly Whoa. But the book was a class, and so we were talking about that are like, how did it help you And like he was with his friend And then So I was asking them about, um, like being in New York and what it was like and just spark a conversation with them. And it was a reminder like, Oh, I could just have his conversations and I don't I probably don't start that conversation because I did have strip of the time and I wasn't feeling very good. But then, like later that day, I was at dinner by myself. I'm like people think that yellows here freak, and I don't even care. I'm like, Well, whatever meal and good, I'm happy. And then just like talking with the waiter, and I think people often dehumanize every social encounter, whether it's like coffee, Barry staff, whether you're someone working and people just I think it come from social anxiety like you don't want Thio engage in conversation because you feel you embarrass yourself. But really, it makes them feel like there that were the conversation. I think we have just kind of, like just talk naturally and like, not be afraid

spk_1:   1:13:00
being yourself. I think about that all the time, especially people, for example, like I was an equal knocks the other day and the person who was cleaning the bathroom and then I was like thinking about it. I'm like, Oh my gosh, like all these dealers like walking past thing And so I said, Hi, I'm like, Thank you so much like I like that. But it was enough, right? She smiled, and like we had an exchange. Yeah, it's crazy. You're right. Like people dehumanizing,

spk_0:   1:13:32
I think even just ask the one. Hey, how are you doing the day like, Oh, even someone opened the door for you, like Oh, thank you. Hope you have a great day and this those little things. And like I, I'm guilty. But I don't like when people say Oh, how are you? I'm fine. How are you? But like when someone asks you that challenge yourself to be honest and be like maybe just like a little steps every day like you want. My morning was so good, but after it's been great, How's your has been? And just like people, people like energy. And if you close off your energy, they're gonna close off their own energy. It's You have even, like, mutual, and you don't. It's some doesn't respond well to it. No. Well, like you're sharing your lighters, sharing your positivity. Oh, I love it. A couple more questions. What has been your greatest lesson on creativity? Mmm. I think my biggest loss on creativity has been not be afraid to take risks that mean for you to fall, but they also just learning that your creativity will evolve over time and it will get abs and flows. And I think that as a writer, I used to like feel like writer's block, and now I don't feel it anymore. Just because I tried to lean into my intuition. When I do want to write and I'm not been like writing, I just don't try to do some other creative things, like dancing or trying a new class or just even crafting. Even I don't do that too often, but sometimes I just like side. I want to do something in my apartment and just make it crapped out of it and just realizing that creativity is gonna look different over time and that also you don't to explain to anyone else. I think that one's creative process is different. And then I used this must feel embarrassed for like doing my own thing and just like, just kind of go with it is your own. It's your huge do. It was the

spk_1:   1:15:38
risk that you want to take in the next couple months. I

spk_0:   1:15:42
think my creative risk. I want Thio be more confident whenever I am in my work. So I think that a lot of times kind of like my training for my consultative practices, because a lot of work is like telling you what I think they should. D'oh and I often say that halfway I'm like, Well, I think you could kind of do this, but you could You could also do that, just cut and said I want Thio decide and say you want I'm gonna own it And I say, You should do this in committing to that and not being afraid to have a firm stance on things cause I think that I have a lot of very indecisive friends love them, but something that makes you feel whenever I am decisive that it's a little aggressive and a little too intense. And so I try to like, subdue my intensity and be like I want Thio own my decisive It's a little bit more and I just can't take the risk of, like maybe it's not right because I think often we do we go into So I said to be like a disclaimer like, Well, you could do this But I don't want to say that in case of the wrong answer because, yeah, I don't want the failure to come on me. I want to like, but nobody. I know that we should do this. If it doesn't work out, we'll do this in this instead. But let's go with this and see what happens. Let's track it lists. I think I'm gonna have toe myself those conversations and just I think I'll take more planning an advance, Thio. Kind of like you're repeating your heads, your narrative and just like getting used to that conversation.

spk_1:   1:17:15
I didn't do that. I like that because you shouldn't feel shame for knowing what you want,

spk_0:   1:17:22
right? And like I think, also knowing no one knows what they're doing. Like we're all kind of thinking as we go. So if anyone is decisive and that they're mean, they're arrogant and they're like, Oh, this is definitely gonna work, I'm sure of it. Maybe a little wary of that, But I think I'm like, No, I I've done my research. I like, I think that when I saw our risks, I say that they're very well calculated. I measure the cost, which is benefits. I decide. Is this risk really worth taking? Isn't really worth what I think I could get out of it. And I even though I'm very creative, I'm also very analytical. And I like to see those My mind like that's why I don't know. I said this podcast, but I was a math major for two years, so I Yeah, I was, like, always growing before in high school, I was much into journalism writing much more that creative type, and then it's meaningful to me. And I was like, I'm gonna go into stem and that includes my parents. But I was like, I won't make any money in journalism. I need to go D'oh! Math, Physics. And so I did math and I was I did it for two years and like I could do it. But I was bored out of my mind. I was like, That's why I started Charlie for other passion projects. And I'd like I should try, like, times together, do a career that I actually enjoy And now it's funny that I'm still into the stem field, but I'm writing and being creative stem fields. It's funny how it all worked out like I don't know, but my job existed when I was 10 years ago, five years ago. So I How could I know that I just can't follow my passions? And then so when I'm able to kind of have that analytical like I want to your risk without knowing that I do have us like I have a Plan B. If it does mess up and that's okay, that's good. And if I did my plan B. I was still figured out like I love like everything is figure out a ball we've done so far has. It makes us creative because we're selling problems.

spk_1:   1:19:18
So true. Last question. What other tools or resource is have helped you with being confident living your best life?

spk_0:   1:19:27
Who? So researchers are tools? I I think just being very supple, where that's what mindfulness meditation was different for everybody. I still swear by the five minute journal that's like, I want to practice that like every day for us. My life I could and it just pursing gratitude, practicing affirmations, just constantly checking in with yourself and then knowing that it's gonna be different every day. And so I pursued it like sitting to meditate. I'd rather go on a run and just let my mind be free because a little bit different than like if I'm doing work, a classic hot focus on what's in front of me and come tuning out the world because there's difference between like being a mindful on being on your mind versus just turning off yourself. Relax and rest. So I think just finding your own mindfulness practice and it's gonna slowly with its way into your other areas of life. I really do recommend therapy. Um, I wish I could. Not sooner. I think that you're able to really have a sounding board and, like, I mean, I lot of friends who are like you can talk to me any time, but it's good, have a professional who's like out of it and doesn't feel like they like. I don't think I need to be a shoulder crown for her, but like they're in the time. I just cried for a whole hour and we talked through tears. And so it's good to have that. So for me, I think that was I wish I would have encouraged to see it there. But sooner I think that it helps you also get good advice because some friends, they meanwhile, they don't give good advice like it's not their fault. But if I don't give good advice all time either, so it's good to have, like a professional, give a better stance and then other tools. Um, I think finding your own creative outlet is really important for me. It's journaling. I think that everyone has their own way to express how they're feeling. And I think binding a couple is really good too. If you could buy more than one. And just so you know, has self sue. So if you do get yourself being really anxious, really worked up really upset And instead of always turning to a workout finding something else that's a way for you to calm down and remind yourself you're okay. You are worthy. You can get through this and you're gonna love yourself the whole way. Even the bad parts. I love this conversation. Thank you so much for coming back for having is always open to talk

spk_1:   1:21:49
with you. Uh, where can girls learn more about you? You

spk_0:   1:21:52
can find me on Instagram. I t s Mary Kay. It's Mary Kay. I'm also a tweeter. My website is mary kay dot com. Find me on anything and working out with you. Yes, you can find working out. I teach at Energy Fitness in River North Chicago And then I also teach us sweat business studios in, um, Gold Coast in Lincoln Park. And I'm also on the sweat working app. So if you download the app and there's a free trial if you find me. Yeah. And that, uh, yes, I've got I haven't done. Those workouts are a good year old, but I've got a good a booty burn out an ab workout and you can do it anywhere. And that's awesome. Really good meditations on that app, too. That's why I use it for Jason and Brenda's. Goodbye taking on there. Oh, my gosh. Amazing. Thank you so much again. And make sure to check out the book Creative confidence If you like this conversation and I'll talk to guys next week by charge girls Good morning. Yes, I'm talking to you Was time to get charged up Because these days you knew This guy says hi Hands bluer than blue With the sun shining and all the birds chirping to two day is the best day to be alive The miracles appear once you open up your eyes Surprise time to keep living the dream So get up and join the rest of your charge team Yeah

spk_1:   1:23:28