49. Hunger for Perfection: How Your Perfectionism is Undermining Your Success with Dr. Adrienne Youdim

I’m back for another installment of my Hungry for More series, and this week I’m talking about a chapter that resonates with most people: Hunger for Perfection. So many of us strive for perfection, but we fail to realize that by its very nature, perfection is unattainable, and trying to achieve it can lead to self-criticism and negative self-talk. In this episode, I discuss how to get past perfectionism and seek and embrace our own humanity.

 Highlights:

• How seeking perfection ultimately undermines your self-worth and interferes with your success.
• Why perfectionism is defeating, demoralizing, and impediment to personal growth.
• How perfectionism can often lead to a fear of failure, and in turn, a failure to even start.
• The antidote to perfectionism, and how it can lead to greater overall well-being.
• A writing practice to help embrace our imperfections and our own humanity.

If you haven’t listened to previous episodes in my Hungry for More series, go back and check them out to deepen your understanding of hunger:

Episode 1: The Anatomy of Hunger: How Your Body Signals Hunger

Episode 2: The Science Behind Emotional Eating

Episode 3: Why Mindset Matters

Episode 4: Self-Compassion: The Importance of Cultivating Kindness and Care Toward Yourself

Episode 5: The Five Pillars of Nourishment and Nutrition (Part One)

Episode 6: The Five Pillars of Nourishment and Nutrition (Part Two)

Episode 7

How We Can Support Adrienne—and Each Other

Our community’s love and presence are powerful. Here’s how you can become a catalyst for this shared journey of transformation:

1. Share Your Voice with an Honest Review on Apple Podcasts. Your thoughtful reviews help spread Adrienne’s message to those who need it most. Take a moment to leave a genuine review and strengthen our community together. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/health-bite/id1504295718  
2. Stay connected by following Health Bite on Spotify. Share your reflections in the comments and join the conversation. Your experiences and insights add richness to our collective growth. Follow and comment on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/2jwdHPnWJaoBs2ZJe0nnP6 
3. Send #LoveNotes and Reach Out on Instagram. Let Adrienne know you’re walking this path with her by sending a #LoveNote or a direct message on Instagram. Your encouragement fuels her journey and fosters the connection that makes this community thrive. Adrienne’s Instagram handle here: https://www.instagram.com/dradrienneyoudim/  

Together, we’re creating a space where vulnerability is met with support, and transformation is celebrated as a courageous act. 

Transcript

Hi there! It has been about two months since the launch of my book Hungry for More, and I have been so grateful for the response, the emails, the letters, the messages, people who have reached out to share how this book has changed their relationship with food, their relationship with their bodies, and most importantly, their relationship with themselves. I have always seen in my personal practice, as well as in my professional practice, looking into and dealing in our relationship with food offers an opportunity to explore our relationship with ourselves much more broadly. In doing so, it can have a transformative effect on our overall lives. So today, I wanted to dig into a chapter that I think has resonated most with the readers, and that is hunger for perfection. There is a reason why I made Hunger for Perfection the first chapter in the book. In a way, it seems that hunger for perfection, underlies so many of the other hungers that we experience. It is an important reason why we sabotage ourselves and ultimately undermine ourselves. It's kind of ironic that seeking perfection can undermine us, right? Seeking perfection suggests striving, working hard, keeping your eye on the prize. Achieving right but in fact, perfectionism is a saboteur. It is a trait that can ultimately undermine us and interfere with our success. So let's talk about perfectionism in a little bit more detail. Is a trait in which people's self-worth or someone's self-worth is dependent upon achieving an unrealistic standard or goal. So by definition, when we are seeking perfection, we are seeking a goal that is unrealistic, a goal that is unattainable, no matter how hard we try. Because of that, this goal, and this goal post keeps moving out of our reach of the perfectionist who is reaching for that standard. This is perceived as a failure, leading the perfectionist to really never be satisfied, never be happy with the effort, and never be happy with the result. Because of this, the perfectionist is always engaging in self-criticism, self-judgment, and in a belief of unworthiness. Like what I always say in the book, not-enough perfectionists often masquerade or appear as high achievers, in which of itself is not a problem, right? It's not a problem to want to achieve high standards or to set big, audacious goals for yourself. The difference is that the perfectionist will set goals again that are unachievable, because again, by definition, they are perfect. When they cannot be achieved, they are then self-critical, and in doing so undermine their self-worth. What's worse is that when they do achieve success, they cannot see their successes. So maybe this resonates with some of you who are perfectionist or have some perfectionist tendencies. People who are perfectionists tend to not see their own successes. They are unable to validate their own successes and are often also unable to see the validation that others offer them. This may manifest as deflecting compliments and praise.They are unable to get what they are seeking validation for themselves, and validation from others. Here's the kicker: in spite of the desire to achieve great success, perfectionists again, ironically will sabotage their own success in striving for perfection, or unable to achieve anything short of an ideal. 

As I mentioned before, this results in viewing that attempt as a failure, you can see how over time, this kind of mindset and worldview would be defeating, demoralizing, and ultimately an impediment to change into personal growth. How often do you have to quote failure before you ultimately give up in your attempt? This can play out in another way as well. For perfectionists, the fear of failure sometimes can be so strong. They will opt-out of the attempt altogether, or maybe play small, or somehow get in their own way, rather than taking the chance and risking failure. More commonly, a perfectionist will just simply burn out. Ultimately, perfectionism can only be chased so far before it is met with self-criticism, anxiety, depression, addiction, and disordered eating. 

Hungry for perfection when it comes to weight-related beliefs, are people who engage in perfectionism. As a result, negative thoughts about themselves kind of create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ironically, those people who have negative beliefs about their bodies, and really seek change or want to change are less likely to engage in the healthy practices that can ultimately affect change. Allowing them to have a healthy lifestyle and therefore a healthy weight. In fact, studies show that people who have negative beliefs about themselves are less likely to choose healthy food. They're less likely to pursue participation in exercise and physical activity, and they are less likely to make the changes that they seek. So again, I want to kind of review, goal setting and goal getting is absolutely not a problem. It is the ideal of seeking perfection. That is the savage war. Because perfection is an unattainable goal. As humans, we are by definition, imperfect, we are setting ourselves up for failure when we are seeking perfection. There is, however, an antidote to perfection, and that is self-compassion. In fact, self-compassion can address both perfectionism as well as weight-related concerns. 

As I mentioned in the book, Sophie's desire is for perfection, but her true hunger is for self-compassion. A self-compassion practice can diminish the negative effects of perfectionism on wellbeing. This has actually also been validated in scientific studies and research. If we can hold ourselves with kindness in that moment, that very moment when something has gone wrong or gone in a way that we did not anticipate. In a way that we did not expect or wished had occurred differently. If we can be kind to ourselves, and hold ourselves in compassion in that very moment with acceptance, kindness, absence of judgment, we can buffer those negative effects of perfectionism. We can kind of round out the hurts, or the disappointment that we may feel when we don't achieve something that we intend to. With time and doing this over and over again, we can actually unravel our own tendency to seek perfection. In fact, people with perfectionist tendencies who engage in a self-compassion practice do report greater subjective well-being over time. As well as being able to see a reduction and change in that tendency to seek perfection. Not surprisingly, studies also show that mindful self-compassion can support healthy eating behaviors, behavior change, and can help regulate weight. A very common example, you decide to, quote, turn over a new leaf. Change your eating habits, perhaps meal prep, take care of lunches. So work, you decide to start exercising. After a week of really intentional work, you hop on this scale with an expectation of achieving some significant weight loss. But then find that the number on the scale doesn't meet your standards. Perhaps you have lost weight, but you haven't achieved the expectation that you've set for yourself. What often happens in that moment, is not self-compassion. We don't hold ourselves with kindness until we realize we have not achieved what we set out to achieve. But on the other hand, we do the opposite. We engage in negative self-talk, self-criticism, and self-judgment. Invariably, we undermine ourselves because we talk ourselves out of continuing with the work. What's the point, right, we only lost two pounds, not four. That is the way in which perfectionism will undermine us, as opposed to acknowledging that we can't always attain perfect standards. However, if we persist in the effort, then ultimately we can evolve, we can grow. We can evoke change, perfectionist or not, many of us have perfectionist tendencies. We judge, we blame, we say things to ourselves that we would never say to others when we find ourselves, quote, fall short. So let's make a collective commitment. Let's make a commitment to embrace our imperfections, knowing that imperfection is not only universal, but it's what makes us human. 

I want you to consider this strategy. There is a practice that I have been taught and have modified into a writing practice. As I have also shared, I think writing is a very transformative tool to change. It's a writing practice that I like to call “the three things”.

Every morning or every evening, I want you to get out your pretty journal. And I've also talked about how I love pretty journals. And I like writing in colors that make me happy. So I personally write in the color purple. So if you don't have a pretty journal, I recommend that you get one you can get one at the drugstore, you can get one off of Amazon and then find a color that you like, light blue, pink, purple, something that makes you feel good. Okay, back to the writing activity. So every morning or every evening, take a moment to write down these three things. The first is three prouds or three wins, write down three things that went right that day that you are proud of, you know, acknowledging our wins will reinforce them and make us more likely to engage in them again. And again. It's kind of like reinforcing the positive behavior of a child, or even reinforcing the positive behavior of your pup. By stroking her tummy. You can elicit more positive behaviors out of yourself when you acknowledge them. So number one, again, is three prouds. Write down three things that you're proud of. Number two, his three forgives, write down three things that have gone wrong. Three things that you wish had gone another way, write them down, forgive yourself for them, and let them go. Again, this is an evidence-based practice. Because when we brewed it in our imperfections when we brood and ruminate over the things that we have done wrong, then we're defeated and we're much less likely to get up, hold ourselves up and try again. So number two is three forgives. Write it down, forgive yourself and let it go. And the last is three commits. Write down three things that you commit to three things that you will commit to doing with diligence with certainty. And with determination. The beauty of this practice is you get to do it again the next day and the next day. So don't feel like this is a one-time, effort or endeavor. Like all good things in life. This is a practice and it is a journey. So I hope that this three things will help you in your journey towards seeking your own humanity, and not perfectionism. Thanks for joining me today.