229. The Hidden Beliefs Sabotaging Your Freedom — And How to Break Free Today with Shelly Lefkoe

What if the beliefs you formed as a child are still running your adult life – and you don't even know it?

Most of us live on autopilot, unconsciously driven by invisible beliefs we formed before age 8. These beliefs don't just influence our thoughts – they determine our emotions, our behaviors, and our entire reality. But what if you could identify and eliminate them in less than an hour?

In this transformative episode of Health Bite, Dr. Adrienne Youdim welcomes Shelly Lefkoe, co-founder of the Lefkoe Institute, for a practical, step-by-step guide to breaking free from the self-limiting beliefs that keep us stuck – whether in relationships, careers, or our relationship with food and money.

Who is Shelly Lefkoe?

• Co-founder of the Lefkoe Institute with decades of clinical experience
• Author and speaker passionate about helping people live their "juicy best lives"
• Specialist in working with patterns like emotional eating, people-pleasing, and perfectionism

What You'll Discover in This Episode:

• The crucial difference between patterns and beliefs – and why you need to address beliefs to change patterns
• The "Big 5" most common limiting beliefs that affect nearly everyone (and how to identify if you have them)
• A complete step-by-step process for eliminating limiting beliefs on your own

Why This Episode Matters:

Whether you're navigating midlife transitions, dealing with emotional eating, or simply seeking to live a more intentional life, this conversation will empower you to recognize and dismantle the beliefs that limit your potential.

This episode will help you:

• Recognize the automatic, unconscious patterns that keep you stuck
• Understand how childhood interpretations become adult limitations
• Learn a practical method for distinguishing events from the meaning you give them

"Events that have no meaning can't make you feel anything. What made you feel not good enough? The meaning you gave the events." – Shelly Lefkoe

Special Offer for Listeners:

• Follow @ShellyLefkoe on Instagram and DM "breakthrough25" for a free belief elimination kit
• First 15 people to call receive a complimentary mastery session with Shelly
• Natural Confidence program: 19 most common beliefs elimination course (~$200)

Connect with Shelly Lefkoe:

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shellylefkoe/ 
• https://www.mortylefkoe.com/ 

This Week's Nutrient: Freedom – The liberation that comes from no longer being controlled by unconscious beliefs formed in

Ways that Dr. Adrienne Youdim Can Support You

• Join the Monthly Free Mind-Body Workshops: Participate in engaging mind-body practices designed to help manage your stress response. Register here.
• Sign Up for the Newsletter: Stay updated with valuable insights and resources by subscribing to the newsletter. Sign up here.
• Freebie alert. Register for our monthly free MindBody Workshop and receive a downloadable guide on emotional labeling to help you manage your emotions effectively.

Connect with Dr. Adrienne Youdim

• Website :https://www.dradriennespeaks.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dradrienneyoudim/

Transcript

Adrienne Youdim

Welcome back, friends. Welcome back to Health Bite, the podcast where I offer essential nutrients to physical, mental, emotional, and professional health and well-being. 

I'm your host, Dr. Adrienne Youdim. I'm a triple board certified internist, obesity medicine, and physician nutrition specialist. And I've learned in working with patients and clients for nearly 20 years that good nutrition is not just about the food that you eat, but all the ways in which we can nourish ourselves, mind, body, and soul. I'm so pleased and grateful to bring to you our guest this week, Shelly Lefkoe. She is the co-founder of the Lefkoe Institute. She's an author, a speaker, a clinician, and she is passionate about helping free people from their self-limiting beliefs in order to live, in her words, their juicy best lives. So this week's nutrient is freedom. And Shelly, I'm so glad to have you. Thank you for joining us.

Shelly Lefkoe

I have chills from everything you just said. You know, I love your podcast. I think everybody should go and give you five stars right away. But that was that is just so, you know, I wrote a book and I talk about watering all the plants in your life. And, you know, if you had a lot of plants, you would never water just one. But I love the idea of all the nutrients, you know, because we have a health plant and we have a relationship plant and we have a career plant and we have a friendship plant and you got to water them all. So they're vibrant. So I'm excited.

Adrienne Youdim

I'm so excited to have you here. And you're so right. I mean, these whether we talk about them as nutrients or seeds, These are all aspects of our self and well-being that we have to intentionally nourish, right? There are so many of these things that we take for granted, our health, our relationships, our professional well-being, and they have to be actively nourished. And to the work, to the important work that you do, one aspect of nourishing that is being cognizant of the ways in which often unknowingly we get in our own way.

Shelly Lefkoe

Yeah, it's interesting, Adrienne, because I talk about, I use the word intentionality a lot. You know, I always say, In relationships, you know, you go on a date and you have a good time and then you go on another date and you have a really good time. And the third date you have sex and the sex is really good. Next thing you know, you're in a relationship, but you never stopped and asked. Is the other person open to personal growth? Are they loving? Are they warm? Do they have integrity? You know, you never looked at the things that you want intentionally. It's the same thing with career. You know, you go to school, you learn, you study something, you get a degree, you get a job, and 30 years later, you may still be in the same job. Never having looked at what lights me up, So, I love the idea that you're talking about, about being cognizant or being intentional about setting up your life to be juicy, you know, where you get up in the morning and you go, yes, my day, you know.

Adrienne Youdim

You know, it's hearing you speak, what came to mind is our automatic responses, right? I was sharing with you that the way in which I got into this work is because I am a physician that specializes in nutrition and weight loss, but that one of the aspects of food is the habitual response, right? And that, like so many other ways in which we interact with food, is kind of a metaphor for so many things that we do in our life. Yes. The unintentionality can also be unintentional, right? Like we don't, we're not trying to be unintentional about our lives, but it's just that we fall into an autopilot, which is understandable. You know, when, when lives become busy, when things become redundant we fall into autopilot. but it's worth stepping back and asking these questions of, you know, what is it that I actually intended? What is it that I actually wanted out of my relationship, out of my career, out of my day-to-day life? And so many of our listeners, Shelly, are, we have a broad demographic, but so many are women in midlife. We're talking so much about menopause right now, but a big part of menopause in my mind is not just the physical transition, but it's the emotional and spiritual transition. And I think it kind of shakes women up out of years, maybe decades of being in this autopilot, caring for their families, rushing into work. Right now the kids are leaving, the relationship in their home is changing, with their partner is changing. even their relationships and their work are changing as they find themselves maybe freed up for more space. Right? And so you do have to, it is an opportunity actually, even though it's a shakeup, to perhaps be more intentional, as you say.

Shelly Lefkoe

I call it halfway home. So I started to laugh, you know, beliefs, and I'm going to, I'm going to give you some definitions so you know exactly what I'm talking about. Beliefs, determine our behavior, our emotions, and our reality. And something came up while you were talking, Adrienne, it's so funny. My mother used to say to me, if you don't take care of your husband, somebody else will. And that's a belief that I carried throughout my life, that, you know, if I don't take care of him, somebody else is going to, you know... Now, obviously, like you said, that's a metaphor. But the beliefs that we have determine how we go through menopause, what our relationship with food is. You know, I just worked with somebody on emotional eating. And it's the trickiest of every pattern that I work with. I'm being very transparent about that. You know, you come to me with a, you're a workaholic, you know, give me a couple of sessions that won't happen anymore. You know, you come to me with, I don't, I can't speak up for myself or, um, I have anxiety, any of that. I can work with, get rid of the beliefs, the pattern goes away. People, we have thousands and thousands of testimonials. It works. Jack Canfield says it works like magic. My process. Emotional eating is tough. And here's why. Not that it's not doable. It just takes longer. And it's not five years on the couch. You can give up alcohol. You can give up, you can even give up sex. You can give up any addiction, right? Gambling, you can get, but you can't give up food. And it's just always there to make a choice every minute, every day. So it's, it's, it's tough, but here's the thing. I'll tell you, you're going to love this story. So a lot of people who have emotional eating have the belief the way to love myself or comfort myself is through food, right, is to eat. And when you're little, like, you know, I'm Jewish and I had a Jewish mother, and if I was crying or upset, she would stick a cookie in my mouth. And I always thought that, you know, everybody knew that, you know, if you wanted to comfort yourself, you would eat, right? My daughter was two years old, and she's in gymnastics. And this little girl falls off the balance beam, which was about two inches from the ground, and she's crying. And this one of the moms walked over to her and has said, Oh, here, sweetheart, have a cookie. And her blonde, waspy, 98 pound mother walks over and says, Why would you give her a cookie right now? Can't you see she's upset? And it was at that moment, now this is 40 years ago, because my daughter is going to be 42. But at that moment, I realized for the first time that not everybody uses food for comfort.

Adrienne Youdim

Yeah. Yeah. And I love that you bring up the kind of insidiousness of that. Because the question I wanted to ask you is, if our beliefs are actually patterns that we have subliminally adopted in childhood or what have you. And they're not even something that we actively say to ourselves. So I don't know that in that moment you would have said to yourself, my belief is that cookies solve everything. But of course, food is a way that parents set you up to soothe in many cultures. So my first question is to you, how do we identify that there is even a self-limiting belief that's driving the script?

Shelly Lefkoe

Great question. So the first thing I want to do is make a distinction, okay? Patterns versus beliefs. People use the word interchangeably and they're very different. A pattern is a repeatable behavior or emotion that I can usually observe, right? And it is what you want to change. Beliefs are a means to an end. Who cares about eliminating beliefs? But we need to do it because they're causing, they're underlying the pattern. So a pattern is behavioral, emotional, or reality pattern. I do all the right things, nothing ever turns out for me. That's a reality pattern. A behavioral pattern is I procrastinate or I work too much. I don't have friends. Those are behavioral patterns. Emotional patterns are depression, anxiety, right? I have emotions that I don't want. A belief is a statement about reality that you hold as the truth. It's like being pregnant, you either is or you ain't, right? So beliefs are mostly unconscious and how they get formed. And I think you actually do say it to yourself. You don't say my belief is, but what happens is children. And I have clients in every country imaginable. And they all, when I ask them the question, what do your kids do when they see you? They run to me. And what do they want? Affection, attention, and acknowledgment. What is the one-word question every child asks all day long? And everybody says, why? So if you are being criticized by your parents, you say, why can't I live up to my parents' expectations? Oh, I see. I'm not good enough. Why are they not giving me attention? Why are they looking at their iPhones while they're talking to me? Well, I guess I'm not important. Why are they struggling over money? I guess money is scarce and hard to get. Why is my mother making a big deal if I eat, if I overeat? I guess I have to be thin in order to be loved. That's our wonderful society. But it's not the truth, right? There's millions of overweight people who get married and have children and are happy. But we believe we have to be thin in order to be loved or in order to be good enough. So we form these beliefs based on what happens to us, what we see. If your parents struggle with money, you conclude money is scarce and hard to get. You know, if they walk around going, oh God, life is so hard, then you conclude life is hard. And those beliefs manifest. And the reason that they don't go away is because we actually think we saw our beliefs in the world. So when I say to somebody, did you ever see I'm not good enough? They said every day of my life. Now, I'm not good enough, doesn't have a color, shape or location. And anything you can see has a color, shape and location. So that's why you can't not believe something you think you see. I saw Santa Claus. What are you talking about? And when you're eight years old and you Wait a minute, that's my father in a red suit and a white beard. There's no Santa Claus. Boom, the belief goes away and it never comes back.

Adrienne Youdim

So the belief is underlying the patterns.

Shelly Lefkoe

Right.

Adrienne Youdim

Patterns are things that if we're mindful, we can notice that we are finding ourselves in this, in the same situation, the same scenario, this repetitive thing, right? So is that, so is that the key to understanding what our underlying belief is? And yeah, so get into that a little bit. Yeah. So uncover this.

Shelly Lefkoe

Yeah. So we, obviously we train people. And one of the things I'm going to gift you at the end of the session is an ability to eliminate a belief for free, because in 40 minutes, some podcasts, if they're long enough, I can take you through, but short ones, I mostly don't. but I can get, but I will let you experience it. And you, you know, we have trainings, we certify people to do this, but I will give you some hints. Okay. So the first thing is to notice that there's something in your life you want to change. So let's assume you don't, I'll take something easy. You don't speak up for yourself, right? You don't say no, you don't have good boundaries. So you say to yourself, first step is logically, what might someone believe that wouldn't speak up? And then you can say, what would someone have to believe in order to speak up? And so there's all these questions you can ask yourself. And mostly you'd say, well, you know, if I have a fear of speaking, what must I believe? Well, speaking up is dangerous. If I speak up, I'll get in trouble. Or if I speak up, I'll be rejected. So again, if you go back to childhood for the source of that belief, you look at, see, we believe what happens to you, and this is the good news, what happens to you doesn't screw you up. What you conclude about it does. So I work with, as I was telling you when we were chatting before, any sexual abuse survivor is my favorite client, incest, rape, date rape, doesn't matter. Because when you look at beliefs, like, so if you, let's assume something really terrible happens to you and you're sexually abused. And you walked away going, oh my God, that was scary and yucky and horrible. I hope that never happens again. And that's, and you just walked away saying, you know, that was just horrible. it wouldn't traumatize you. But what happens is we, excuse me, we conclude things like, I'm worthless, I'm powerless, I'm damaged goods. I worked with a woman who was 70 years old two weeks ago. She was beautiful. She was just gorgeous. And she had this tick, you know, her shoulder, for those of you not watching, her shoulder would tick, right? And when I said to her, say, I'm damaged goods. Adrian, I swear to God, the tick was so profound, it almost knocked her off the chair. After the beliefs went away. I have you say the beliefs out loud. Normally, they just feel crappy when you say them. And when I said to her, say, I'm worthless, nothing. I'm powerless, nothing. I'm damaged goods, nothing. And we sat there and sat there and sat there, no tick. And at the end, she said to me, I feel whole for the first time in my life. beautiful so the first way you know you have you um you you want to know what the beliefs are you just ask what might someone believe what's the logical belief and you'll be very surprised you'll come up with them so looking at the pattern first what is the thing that you were trying to change perhaps

Adrienne Youdim

Going back to your first example, it's being people-pleasing, saying yes all the time, inability to set boundaries. That's the problem. And then asking yourself, what might be the conditions or what might be the beliefs that underlie that particular pattern? And would you say that maybe even removing yourself from it a little bit, because I find that sometimes we don't ascribe ourselves to this being, right? Maybe saying, oh, well, if Shelly believed that, you know, she couldn't set boundaries or if Shelly had a problem setting boundaries, what are the things that she might believe? And I love journaling. So maybe just jotting down. Totally. Right. All the possible scenarios or all the possible beliefs that would underlie that desire to please or that inability to set boundaries, right? So now you have this list. And would you say that since not everyone is working with you and hearing it out loud, that maybe just saying those various statements that you've listed out loud and pausing to see how you feel about them, right? So you may write something down that just doesn't resonate, And you may write something else down that really activates you in your body and you're like, whoa, that thing I wrote about Shelly, her underlying belief, really lands, right? So now let's say that I have identified this statement or this belief that is really activating or charging me in my body. So now, how does one work with that?

Shelly Lefkoe

 So again, I'm going to give them access to go through the process, but I can't train somebody in a podcast, but I can tell you the steps.

Adrienne Youdim

Yes, that's what we would like, of course. And we always say, we always share that, you know, that if somebody really is struggling and there's so many people who are struggling right now or feel like they're at a block, they should seek out care. But there's many scenarios where we just want to open people's minds to the process. So go ahead.

Shelly Lefkoe

We also have a product that's very affordable. It's like $200, I think. And it's called Natural Confidence. And it's 19 of the most common beliefs that people have, mostly self-esteem beliefs. So I want to start by telling you that. So the most common beliefs that people have are, and when you say them out loud, just sit for a couple of seconds. And if it doesn't feel good, you have the belief. There's one belief. It's not one of the most common, but it is one belief. And the only belief that makes people cry immediately if they have it or or they look at me when I say say it. They look at me like I'd rather rip my nails off, you know, either one of those two things. And the belief is I'm not worth loving.

Adrienne Youdim

Hmm.

Shelly Lefkoe

or I'm not lovable, but I'm not worth loving. It's very, I don't know what it is. People say it's deep. It's not deep. All beliefs live in your mind. So it's not deep. So the five most common beliefs, I'm not good enough. I'm not important. Mistakes and failures are bad. Even if you know that's not true, you've read every business book, you have tons of information and stories, doesn't matter. I had that belief until I got rid of it. I was teaching a course on it, and I still had it. So until I got rid of it, I had it. The evidence doesn't matter. Mistakes and failures are bad. If I make a mistake or fail, I'll be rejected. And my, the belief that changed my life, everyone, this is where I got my freedom. What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me. Worrying about what other people think will keep you from being your authentic self.

Adrienne Youdim

And to your point, sorry, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. I was going to say to your point, a couple of things I want to highlight. One is that these beliefs are universal, right? So if you've distilled your decades of work into the top five, I think it's worth saying, because there is so much shame around maybe admitting to yourself that you don't find yourself lovable or that you don't think you're enough. But it underlies, you know, so many of our self limiting behaviors and patterns. It is so universal. So just reminding people that, you know, to take a a non-judgmental, shame-free approach, knowing that this is such a universal human condition, right? And that to your point, even those of us who do the work are not immune from it. So you were teaching the course and yet you were surprised to stumble upon the belief, right? So that hopefully will, the common humanity of that will take the edge off for people.

Shelly Lefkoe

Brilliant.

Adrienne Youdim

And the last thing I want to say is, and this is true for me a lot of the time, Shelly, is that I know in my head.

Shelly Lefkoe

That's right.

Adrienne Youdim

I know in my head. So for example, you know, my father was very highly educated, double PhD, struggled financially. We moved, we bought homes, we lost homes, right? And I know in my head, there is nothing wrong with being successful, with being able to afford things that my children can then benefit from. In fact, that's why we do what we do, right? It's so that our children don't have the same experiences we have. but yet knowing that in my brain doesn't mean that I necessarily feel that in my body all the time, right? And so I do think it's important to not be too cognitive about this exercise. Wouldn't you agree to say that like, even though, gosh, I know this in my head, of course it's what I say, like perfectionism is out, like I teach my kids, there's no such thing as perfect. We all know that. But that doesn't mean that it's not somehow driving you.

Shelly Lefkoe

That's right. Driving, feeling it in your body. You know, I'm not one of those people who feel stuff in my body. I have clients who go, I feel it in my elbow. I don't even know what they're talking about. But so but what you just said is brilliant. First of all, all of what you just said is brilliant. And, you know, it's funny, like when you were saying I'm triple board certified, you know, it's like who's triple board certified? Like, oh, what must she believe? What makes you may not. But what makes me good enough are my achievements. that would be a logical jump. When you hear somebody say, and I this and I'm that, and I wrote a book, and I'm a book, and I studied nutrition, and I'm blah, blah, blah. So she's, you know, when you tell me what you did, I said, yes, give me her. Because it's so rare to find a medical doctor who knows about nutrition as Mark Hyman, who's my dear friend and client. I have permission. He shared on his podcast about his work with me. But Mark Hyman, who is, you know, top, top, top of his game, you know, had all of these beliefs. And, you know, and he always says, you could know that, you know, nutrition is the most important thing in the world. Oh, no, that's not what I was going to say. That's something else. But he said that you learn about 20 minutes worth of nutrition in medical school. So to have a doctor, an M.D. who knows about nutrition doesn't get better than that. Right. And mind, body and health and wellness. It's like that's the greatest gift in the world. So going back to the process. OK, so, yes, we all have these beliefs. And in terms of evidence, I worked with five Harvard PhDs who all had the belief, I'm stupid. And when I said to one of them, the first time I was working in a company, and he was the staff psychologist in a big company, and he said, I hate my job. I said, well, what do you believe that has you not leave? And he goes, something, something. And then he goes, I'm stupid. And I said, you have a PhD from Harvard." And he looked at me and he said, I conned my way through Harvard. That was 40 years ago, but I'll never forget it. And since then, I've worked with four other PhDs from Harvard. I'm stupid. One of their fathers used to smack them on the back of the head every time they got something wrong, and he'd say, genius.

Adrienne Youdim

But it goes to show you, right, that even a Harvard-trained PhD can Harvard these beliefs. That's right. So let's say, Shelly, we've identified, we've done this exercise. We've written down all the things that could be underlying it. We identify the ones that kind of get us activated inside. And then, OK, so now we've identified some of these statements or one of these statements.

Shelly Lefkoe

Now what? Okay. So I'm going to walk you through the process. Okay. So everybody just take a deep breath and say out loud, you can do this with me or not. It's up to you, but I'm going to walk you quickly through the steps. Say, I'm not good enough out loud.

Adrienne Youdim

I'm not good enough.

Shelly Lefkoe

Now say, I'm a monkey. I'm a monkey. So I'm a monkey, feel silly, obviously, or just words. And if I'm not good enough, felt charged in any way, like people say, I don't want to say it because it's not true. No, if it wasn't true, you would just say it. You'd say I'm not good enough. Nope, not true. So if you want to use that, that's what I recommend and suggest. So if we went back, the first step is, and you can do anything you want, you could do life is hard, whatever you want. So now you go back to your childhood. And I say, you weren't born with that belief. Where did it come from? What is your earliest memory where you would have discovered that? And 99% of the time, it's parents criticizing, rolling their eyes. So it could be the presence of a negative criticism or the absence of a positive. My parents never praised me, nothing I ever did was good enough, like that. You can say I failed in school, but it's generally the first six to eight years of childhood. Self-esteem beliefs almost always come from parents. So let's assume we now know the source of the belief, where it came from.

Adrienne Youdim

Can I talk to you for one moment?

Shelly Lefkoe

Sure.

Adrienne Youdim

Is it possible that So so criticism, of course, from a parent or authoritative figure. Is it also possible that it's just like if we take the money scenario, let's say the belief is money is bad. OK, and if I go back and I say, well, it wasn't so much that somebody was punitive around it or critical, but I noticed that my parents were struggling when I was young, right? So it could be something like that, not necessarily, or is that correct?

Shelly Lefkoe

Not for self-esteem beliefs, for any other beliefs. For other beliefs, yes. So if we were to look- Like if somebody says to me, my mother had low self-esteem, that has nothing to do with you. But in your situation, in the other, let me shut this, in the other example, it's, it could be money is scarce and hard to get, right? Or money's a struggle. Or if your parents walk around going, rich people are horrible, you know, they're mean, and you'll go money is bad, or people with money are bad, or it's bad to have money, or money, you know, and sometimes it comes from religion, you know, It's bad to put yourself first is a very Catholic belief. You know, there's a lot of, if you have religious, you know, parents, they say things, and you just assume that what they're saying is true. You know, one of the most common beliefs, and if I'm going to take them through, I have to go back to the steps, but if I do something bad, I deserve to be punished, because When you did, you know, we worked, we did a criminal, we have a lot of research, and we did a criminal study with incarcerated men where we worked with them for 15 weeks, and we produced statistically significant behavior changes. And there was a wife beater, and he had the belief if you do something bad, you deserve to be punished, and the way to be punished is to beat. So he beat women. He didn't, he was the nicest, he was a really nice guy. You know, so, I mean, I could tell you fascinating stories, but back to the process. Even health, even health. Oh, my God. We worked, you're going to love this. We worked, Adrienne, with people with AIDS when AIDS was the big thing. the opportunistic infections were correlated with their beliefs. Wow. So I had a fundamentalist Christian who was gay, and his parents went to church, and they walked in and saw him in his sister's dress. And I said, what did you say to yourself? And he said, I don't deserve to breathe. He had three rounds of pneumocystis pneumonia. Wow. Wow. One of the guys was gay, and he had a belief, I'm disgusting, and I'm bad, and I'm, you know, and he had Kaposi's sarcoma. He had skin cancer. So it was fascinating.

SPEAKER_02:

Wow.

Shelly Lefkoe

OK, let's go back to the process. So you get to the source of the belief, right? My parents criticized me. Yes, now we're going to play a game and the game is called valid interpretations. And we're going to make believe that we're watching a video of your childhood. Come up with one other interpretation that would explain the circumstances other than I'm not good enough. So one interpretation is you were good enough and your parents had ridiculous expectations. Parents expect kids to get straight A's and I say, do you excel at everything? You know, it's silly, right? So my parents thought I wasn't good enough. That doesn't mean it's true. I wasn't good enough as a kid. I'll be good enough when I grow up. I was good enough and my parents had lousy parenting skills.

Adrienne Youdim

They didn't have time, for example. I was good.

Shelly Lefkoe

That's not I'm not good enough. That's I'm not important. Lack of time. Yeah. So here's the idea. If it's I'm not important, my parents didn't have they didn't understand how much time a child needed. And it wasn't that I wasn't important. They just didn't know that I needed attention. They didn't get it when they were kids. Yeah.

Adrienne Youdim

I like that because it shows the nuance there, right? Like even things that to me sound like they're in the same family of thinking are very nuanced. So good.

Shelly Lefkoe

Exactly. So if there are other valid interpretations, is what you said, I'm not good enough, the truth or one interpretation? So it's one interpretation. Now here's the juice. Doesn't it seem like as a child you saw I'm not good enough or I'm not important or money is scarce and hard to get or life is hard. Did you ever see that in the world? And the answer is always no, because you can't see a belief. Then the question is, what did you see? And that's a very important question, because people say, well, I saw my mother didn't love me. No, you can't see that. Or I saw my parents thought I wasn't good enough. No, you can't see what your parents think. All you see are behaviors. And everyone always says to me, I saw people. I go, seven billion? Oh, I saw my parents criticize me. And you can't even see criticism because they could say I was giving you feedback. I could see your parents being disappointed, angry, you know, saying to you, why couldn't you do better? Or what's wrong with you? Or you're stupid. Or my father used to say, ah, you don't use your head. So I can see him say that. Right? You see your parents struggling for money. You see your parents complaining about paying bills. You can see getting molested. But you cannot see I'm damaged goods or I'm worthless.

Adrienne Youdim

So what I'm hearing you do is tease out the interpretation from the actual event, if there was even an event, or from Basically assess where you're interpreting or making your own interpretation of the scenario.

Shelly Lefkoe

But that only loosens the belief. The belief goes away when you get that you never saw it. I see. That's when it goes away. And people go... I never saw I was stupid. I saw my father call me stupid, or I saw failing in a very specific environment under certain circumstances in school, in traditional education, right? So now, I want to get to the best part. So now the belief goes away. It's gone, right? However, some people say, but I felt it. I felt the belief. All so I want to I got to do this really short. If somebody walks into a room and doesn't speak to you and you know them, what might you automatically think? Everybody come up with something. They're mad at me. Perfect. They're mad at me. They're rude. Whatever you said, that's meaning. Where did that meaning just come from? My head, your head. All meaning comes from your head, your mind. So when I ask people, what happened to you was awful. I'm not minimizing it. I created a parenting course so that it wouldn't happen. However, what does it really mean that it happened? What do I know for sure? And the answer is nothing. Because if meaning is in your mind, do events have inherent meaning?

SPEAKER_02:

They don't.

Shelly Lefkoe

They don't. My husband died. He was the most wonderful human that ever walked the planet. And it was devastating to me. But does it mean I'll never be happy again? Or I'm going to starve to death? Or It doesn't have meaning. We don't know anything for sure. Salud. It doesn't mean anything. It's not that it doesn't matter or it's no big deal, right? What happens to us has no inherent meaning. We don't know anything for sure because it happens. So what does it mean that you were criticized all the time? Nothing. It doesn't mean you're not going to grow up to be president of the United States. We won't go there. It has no inherent meaning. So doesn't, this is the last step, doesn't it seem like the events made you feel not good enough? And everybody says, yes, they did. My father calling me an idiot made me feel not good enough. Can events that have no meaning make you feel anything? You can. Cannot. So if you're walking down the street and a man walks past you and it has no meaning, what are you going to feel? Should feel nothing. Right. You won't feel anything. But if you give it the meaning he's dangerous, what are you going to feel?

Adrienne Youdim

 Scared.

Shelly Lefkoe

If you give it the meaning, he'll protect me. What are you going to feel? Protected. Safe. Right. So events that have no meaning can't make you feel anything. So what made you feel not good enough? The meaning you gave the events. So I have them close their eyes and give, come up with a different meaning. My parents have high expectations. Right? Or they pushed me because they thought I was so amazing. Right? And if you had given the same events different meaning, would you have ever have had the feeling that you're not good enough? And the answer is no. And then you take a deep breath. You say the belief out loud and it's gone.

Adrienne Youdim

I love this because this is a very practical approach. I feel like we've talked about this sort of thing on the podcast. I've read about this sort of thing, but there's never been such a clear step by step, which is what everyone, everybody wants, right? Like kill yourself, limiting beliefs in 10 steps. Um, so that's wonderful. Um, so as we wrap up, uh, we're coming to the end of our time. We said our nutrient is freedom. And to me, there's a very clear process of how addressing, identifying, addressing, negating these beliefs or reframing these beliefs ends up in freedom. Can you, though, just share briefly How doing this work? Let's say somebody says, yeah, yeah, I tell myself I'm not worthy or I'm not good enough. But you know what? I've got a great husband. I've got a job. I'm living my life. This feels like a lot of work. And I'm good. Can you describe how going through this process actually gives people freedom in their lives? What does that look like? What does that mean?

Shelly Lefkoe

No. So first of all, if you're good, go live your life and have a fabulous, juicy, hot, wonderful life. I don't think people should spend their lives working on themselves. I think people should spend their lives living their lives. So unless you think that you're stuck someplace, don't do this process. However, comma, anytime you have a negative emotion, if you stop and ask yourself, what just happened? What meaning did I give what just happened? Come up with one other possible meaning and then get that the event has no inherent meaning. My husband didn't kiss me. Hello. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It could mean he had a rotten, a bad day, but it doesn't have meaning. Then you can go say, honey, anything wrong? I'd love a kiss, you can kiss him, but the emotion will go away. You do not have to live at the effect of your emotions. That to me is freedom. That's real freedom. Because any time I get upset, I'm a victim of whatever happened. But if I have the power to say, wait a minute, and there's another way, a shortcut of what happened, what meaning did I give it? That meaning's in my mind. It's not in the events. Then the emotion goes, that's how I got out of bed every day when my husband died. Grieving is healthy. Crying, grieving, very healthy. Not wanting to get out of bed, not healthy. So I said, what happened? Morty died. What meaning did I give it? I'm going to starve to death. I don't know how to run a business. I'm the people girl. Put me in front of 10,000 people to speak, I'm good. Run a business, shoot me in the head. Well, that's one interpretation. It could mean that I'm going to starve to death, and it could mean I'm going to step up and learn, which I did and tripled the business. So it didn't mean that. I'll never be happy again. Well, it could mean that, and it could mean that it may take a while, but I'm going to have a whole second act. But the fact that he died doesn't mean anything. Not that it doesn't matter. We don't know anything for sure because he died. We don't know anything for sure because he got a diagnosis. You know, if the doctor says, you have this, and you go, oh my God, you know, you're going to get scared and you're going to be at the effect of it and you can't be proactive. But if you go, the fact that the doctor just said that doesn't have any inherent meaning. Now it might have consequences. Right. But it doesn't have meaning. And now I can deal with it from a completely different place.

Adrienne Youdim

Yeah. And what I was thinking as you were speaking is the term that popped into my head is agency. It really is. It's freedom because it's because it's giving people agency. And to your point, the goal isn't to be in a forever workshop on yourself. But if you can just be aware of these normal human tendencies, then we can be free from the traps that we perhaps may get entangled with.

Shelly Lefkoe

Yes. And for all the people who stayed till the very end, I have a gift for you. So if you go to Instagram and go to at Shelly, S-H-E-L-L-Y, Lefkoe, L-E-F-K-O-E, and you write breakthrough25, we will send you a kit. The first thing is how to, you know, to be able to eliminate a belief for free. And for the first 15 people that call, you will get a free mastery session with me, where we can look at where you're stuck and what your beliefs are.

Adrienne Youdim

Wow, wonderful. Yeah. So Shelly Lefkoe, at Shelly Lefkoe, we'll put all of that in the show notes. If you go in and send them a message, DM Shelly, then she has a kit for you. And perhaps you'll be one to also be able to spend some time doing this work, which is wonderful. So thank you again, Shelly, for joining me on Health Bite. And to our listeners out there, thank you for being here yet another week. If you love this episode, please rate, review and share it with somebody that you love. And I look forward to seeing you here next week on Health Bite. Thank you for having me. It was wonderful. Thanks for being here, Shelly. Yeah. Bye now. Bye bye.