I’m about to share with you 3 ways to gracefully say no, and more importantly, how to discern your best yes.
What most people do when asked to do something is say yes automatically, with very little hesitation or thought.
They may even subconsciously put on a show to make the person asking think that they are actually excited to say yes. Then, they procrastinate doing the task because they never wanted to do it in the first place. It takes up room in their mind, and every day they wake up and think, “Oh yeah, I need to get that done today…why did I say yes to doing that, I’m already busy enough, isn’t there someone else that could be doing this!”
So they procrastinate as long as possible, then do the task just to get it done, feeling a little resentful that they “have” to do it, and a little frustrated with themselves that they didn’t say no in the first place.
Time and again when I coach women on weight loss and health issues, a barrier that arises is time and energy to focus on their health. One reason they often are experiencing a lack of time and energy is because they are busy doing busy work because they haven't learned the skill of a graceful no.
This episode came to mind yesterday at Church. At our small country church there’s an early service and a late service with Sunday School for the kids in the middle. We dropped the kids off at Sunday School and usually between services I chit chat with other parishioners or Pastor will hold a group catechism or Bible study I’ll attend.
Yesterday I wasn’t feeling particularly chatty. Coming from a Catholic background with a good appreciation for holy hours, I usually crave silence in church. Time to just be with God, pray, express gratitude, and be still. I call it practicing the prayer of silence. So I went to sit inside the old wooden pew by myself.
I just closed my eyes and began to breathe, and pray. I may as well have had a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my back. But several minutes later I hear the sound of footsteps coming down the aisle. And a kind gentleman, holding out a clipboard signup said, “Your husband said you might be interested in this.”
I took a deep breath, a little perturbed to be interrupted in prayer to be asked something I didn’t want to do, and reminded myself of his good intentions. I said with a slight grin, “Did he now?” He pointed to the deadline for signup - which was tomorrow - and I saw many empty lines on the page. I simply said, “I’ll pray about it, and if I feel called to sign-up, I will.”
The man took my answer and left. Twice more before we left Church for the day I was asked the same task. Three times in one morning I chose to say no to something I was fully capable of, but not willing to do.
As I continued to pray I thought, he doesn’t know what he’s asking me to do. How interesting it would be to see his reaction if I responded, “And what priority would you have me take off my list to do this task? My morning mindset and prayer time, doing housework, exercising, playing with my kids, working, or cuddling with my husband?
There is a tradeoff for every decision you make. Every “yes” has a corresponding “no.” And all too often we are saying yes before thinking about the tradeoff of our own time and energy.
A “yes” in the present moment, is a “no” to your future self in some way, shape, or form. The simplest way to simplify your life is to say no more often. Commitments add up, especially if you don’t know what you’re committed to. What this means is that if you aren’t rock solid in your priorities, your schedule will get filled up with other people’s priorities for you.
This means that instead of having time to cook healthy meals, exercise, sleep a good amount of time, and just enjoy life, your days are crammed doing tasks that don’t really light you up or fill your bucket. I always like using gardening analogies. Let’s pretend you have a lovely garden, and your goal this year is to have thriving raspberries and green beans. But one friend wants you to plant cucumbers, and another tomatoes, and then this committee you’re on asks you to plant watermelons, and your kids want pumpkins and zucchini. Soon you’re busy planting all these plants for other people, you don’t have time to tend to the two plants YOU really cared about.
The same goes for your priorities. If you don’t intentionally choose and guard them, they will get choked out with other people’s priorities for your life. And at the end of the summer you’ll have worked hard for everyone else, but still feel like you didn’t accomplish your goal of thriving raspberries and green beans.
I believe the cause of this chronic overcommitment is fear, stemming from attachments. Fear of missing out, fear of the actual or perceived judgements of opinions of others like the fear of coming off as standoffish, unhelpful, selfish, or unkind. A sure-fire way to know if you’re saying yes out of some sort of attachment to other people’s opinions of you is to feel out the energy around your yes.
When you say yes, are you doing so out of guilt, or a compulsion that you “have to” or it’s the “nice thing to do?” Do you feel kind of constricted in your chest, or worried about when you’re going to get it done, or have other reservations? Or, when you say yes are you genuinely excited about the task, and have an expansive feeling in your chest. As I like to say, “If it’s not a “hell yes” it’s a “hell no.” A good litmus test is to ask yourself, “Am I saying yes out of guilt, or joyful service?”
Another way to gauge your true interest in a request - depending of course on the size of the task - is to ask yourself if you’d like to get this done by tomorrow morning. If you’re not excited to do it by tomorrow morning, you’re not going to be excited in one week or one month when you actually have to do it. It’s a lot easier to say no, and go back and offer to do it, than to say yes in the moment, and go back on your word.
So here are 3 simple ways to say no graciously. If you’re being asked to do something in your Church or from a person of faith who will understand and respect this answer, I suggest using the answer I used yesterday in Church, “I’ll pray about it, and if I feel called to do it, I will.”
The second option is great to use when the person asking you has some sort of rank or influence over you. Someone you don’t really want to say no to because their opinion of you is actually important to you and you don’t want to let them down. I suggest saying something like, “Thanks for thinking of me. I’ll take a look at my schedule and get back to you.”
The third way to say no is to be clear and honest. “Thanks for asking me. I’m not able to do that due to a prior commitment.” You can elaborate if you want, or not. You may not have a prior commitment at all besides free time on your calendar. Usually, you don’t need to offer an explanation of your “no.” In fact, overexplaining or apologizing for why you’re not saying yes will come off as uncertainty on your part, and they might sense there is some wiggle room in your answer and press you harder.
A great example of this is food. When someone offers you a food or drink you don’t really want, if your answer is wishy washy, they are way more likely to continue to peer pressure you into having a bite or drink. But if you’re firm, clear, and confident in your “No thank you” they’ll get the hint faster.
Other ways to say no to food are, “That looks really good, I’ll be sure to take some for later when I leave so I can have it at home.” Or “That looks great but I’m not hungry right now.” Whether or not you circle back around to actually taking the food home is not the point. The point is to train your brain to say no in the moment.
Your automatic response should be no. A yes should come only after you’ve considered what you’re really saying “no” to if you say yes to this food, drink, or task.
Commitment is a core value at Zivli. But the commitment we ask you to make is to the needs of your future self. Not committing to the priorities of other people because of your own attachment to their opinion of you.
As I was considering this episode, there was one more thing I wanted to mention about this topic of saying “yes” and creating healthy boundaries. And that your “yeses” for your children.
Are you saying yes to your children too often? Yes to excess food or sugar, screen time, activities, and the like that aren’t really in their best interest? As a parent, it is our responsibility to raise healthy kids. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy kids. If we don’t teach them how to have healthy boundaries around food, screens, social media, and too many activities, who will? And remember, a yes for your kids is usually a yes for you. Because if they are still young, it’s your responsibility to keep track of their schedule and get them to and from these activities.
It’s time to break the chain of people pleasing and chronically saying yes out of guilt. Your worth does not come from how much you do for other people. Your worth does not come from people liking you, or thinking that you’re a nice person.
You are good enough. You are loved. And you belong just as you are. 2 Timothy chapter 1 verse 7 says, “for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline. Be disciplined about your yeses. Say yes to the things you really feel called to do. To the things that light your spirit and fill your bucket, and you will be more joyful doing them. Doing this will greatly help you reduce burn-out, and preserve your ability to help and serve in the long-run.
I hope this episode gave you the inspiration needed to connect with your intuition, make no your automatic response, and create the margin time needed in your own life to carefully discern your own priorities and best yeses, so that when you say yes, you do it from a place of joyful service, not guilt.