Embracing Life Instead of Enduring Overwhelm

Do you believe that overwhelm is a necessary part of achieving your dreams? Let me assure you, it's not. Join me as I read from and expand on, page one of my book: Overwhelm is Optional. Explore the maze of overwhelm, its effects on our lives, and the misconceptions we often harbour about it. I'll share how I've discovered at 55 that life isn't about pushing through exhaustion. Instead, it's about embracing self-care, discovering our values, and realising we are perfect as we are. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Overwhelming's optional podcast, where, each week, we find ways to gently rebel against the nonsense that overwhelming exhaustion are just the price you pay to have the life you want. Hello, welcome to this week's episode of the Overwhelming's optional podcast. As you can see, I have a new text set up and it's probably in the way. Oh well, I'm just practicing this week. I thought I'd read you a bit from my book. So it's not you, it's overwhelm. You are perfect, perfect and a work in progress. The work is to let go of the belief that there's anything fundamentally wrong with you. You are not a self-improvement project. You are not a problem to be solved. You do not need to overwork, pushing yourself through the heavy, life-crushing fog of overwhelm into exhaustion, to have what you want. You do not want too much and there is no secretly written deal with the universe that to have the life you want, you have to put up with overwhelm. Let's take some of those and expand on them. It's not you, it's overwhelm. Yeah, let's start there. Are you blaming yourself when you feel like you can't cope, when you feel so overwhelmed that you do things inefficiently? You don't get things done. You're snappy and grumpy. You don't look after yourself properly. You can't sleep, you can't switch off, you're aware that you're not really present in your life. It's not you, it's overwhelm, because what overwhelm is doing is it's blocking you from thinking straight. It makes it much harder to do the things you intended to do because you can't think straight. It's harder to focus, it's harder to prioritize, and also there's a trick with overwhelm where it does this thing, where we get stuck in this. I must just get through this in order to feel relief from overwhelm. It's a trick, because the overwhelm is not relieved by getting things done. We think it is, but it's a trick, so temporary. If you had like a temporary, I'm completely overloaded, I've got masses to do and you've got stuff done and then at the end of that you felt relieved and then you got on with your life and you controlled that sense of overwhelm. You didn't keep blessing that happen. That would be different, that would be a temporary thing. But the problem is those temporary periods of overload tend to become permanent. This is why I think this is my experience of it.

Speaker 1: 3:07

So I have a tendency to take on too much, because I get very, very excited about life and I'm an ideas person and I like saying yes to life. So it's very easy for me to get into a state where I'm trying to do the impossible. It's just literally impossible. But because I'm full of integrity and I don't want to let anyone down and I want to live life fully, I'll then push, push, push, push. I'm going to do it, I can do it, I can do it.

Speaker 1: 3:41

And because there were times in my life, many times in my life where I looked like I was doing it or achieving the impossible and convincingly to myself. I don't know about other people haven't gone back and asked everyone but because there were times when I could kick ass, I got very good at doing that, because whatever we practice is what we get good at. So I got very, very good at achieving lots of things. It's just that old adage, isn't it? Ask a busy person or you become I became the go-to person to get things done, because I'm reliable, I'm full of integrity, I care and I want things done well and I'm good at kicking ass under pressure.

Speaker 1: 4:31

But long term, that crushed me because I thought it was temporary and I thought I was winning and also a deep-seated belief that there wasn't another way, that if I wanted less. So, in order to stop being overloaded and overwhelmed, I would have to want less and that therefore, I'd have to downsize. So it just became this. So either keep going as I am or I give something up. And I wasn't prepared to give anything up. I did try a million different things, from productivity hacks to sleep hacks to stress management, to giving some things up. I tried all sorts of different things, but ultimately nothing really shifted.

Speaker 1: 5:17

And I believe that's because, well, I know now from the work I've done gently rebelling against this and dealing with the shame and embarrassment and hurt from burning out and losing a hard work for career, the work I've done in investigating for myself and then work with clients what's going on for us? Why do we end up in this ridiculous situation where we've worked really hard and we have this wonderful life, but we don't feel like we can relax into it? We never actually get there. Success is always another mountain away, another load of stuff to get through, and for me, I've come to the conclusion that it's from this deep seated belief that, in order to have the life we want, we have to push through overwhelming exhaustion, which means you're stuck right, completely stuck, and it's this, that last line there. Well, the last two lines, you do not want too much. This is really important. That life is for living fully right. Life is amazing.

Speaker 1: 6:28

There are so many things to do Now. Does that mean you can do all of them? No, you can't do all of them. You can't do everything because you just physically can't. You can't visit every country on earth in a year where you could, but then you'd have to. You know you have to swap, there are practical trade-offs, but there isn't a secretly risk to deal with the universe that to have the life you want you have to put up with overwhelm. There isn't, it doesn't work. But I don't know about you, but I can get very convinced of that. If I push, just get through this next bit, then everything will settle down, then everything will magically come together and I won't feel like this anymore. I won't feel crushed, I won't feel close to tears, I'll just. I'll feel like my old self again. This is temporary.

Speaker 1: 7:24

If only I could keep going, and that means that I practice keeping on going and I got very, very good at the keeping on going, which meant that even when I did have space in my day or space in my year, a weekend, whatever. I didn't really know how to be in it. The space didn't make any sense because I was so used to that very narrow focus, which is a really helpful thing. That ability to shut everything out and ignore everything and get stuff done is really useful, but not if that's where we start living from, and I think I just got very, very good at just living from that and almost, I think, slightly addicted to that. It's almost an adrenaline rush, isn't it? Of that? I'm sailing close to the wind, but I'm getting stuff done. I'm getting stuff done.

Speaker 1: 8:14

I'm living a full life, but it's I now know it's not a full life. I now know that deciding that I can have it all as in, I can be really well, I can be myself, I can have time, space just to be that, not pushing on through practicing deep focus and then being present in the rest of my life that's key, that's the balance, that's the having it all, the being able to switch kick ass mode fully present, relaxed, at ease, being able to switch off, smile, have fun, be myself, because actually there's lots to me and I got stuck in that serious kick ass and I had a lot of fun with it. It's not like I was just serious all the time. No, I really enjoy working. I love working, but I want it all. I want to be able to focus and kick ass at work In my case now in a business and I want to be present, fully present in the rest of my life, able to switch between those two states.

Speaker 1: 9:26

So I've had to really practice the other state and I've also had to change how I get that deep focus. So for me it's about if I feel I'm getting sucked into that uh-oh emergency masses to do, here comes the overwhelm. I have to stop myself. Starting my day from that point, or any time during the day, I realize I have to reset and that usually means stopping momentarily. It doesn't have to be for long. It can be a very like a micro adjustment of focus, just moving from that to back into my body, feeling my feet on the ground, allowing my shoulders to move away from the ears, maybe space between the teeth do you get really tight here, some people with space between the brow Sometimes it's just allowing the heart to be at ease and feel the fullness of life, the joy, the love you have for those you love. Allowing the belly to soften is really nice.

Speaker 1: 10:39

Now, none of these are relaxation techniques and none of these are pushing, not trying to change anything. This is really important. So if you've been, if you've got hold of my free audio, click the link below if you'd like it. The one minute mark that allows you to practice that full present state. It allows you to move from that push, push, push immediately into that Just being here in the present moment, all within 60 seconds. And the more you practice that, the easier it gets. And also what it does is. It means that when you do want to go into kick ass focus mode, it's easier. You've got more energy, you've got more clarity, your head isn't so full and when it, if stuff starts thought bombing you and clouding your ability to kick ass, then you find it easier to let go of those thoughts and just focus on prioritizing. So overwhelm is optional. It takes commitment, depending on how committed you are to it and how much you believe that overwhelm is optional. And I would argue, more than it's optional, it's really necessary to practice the ability to let it go, to believe that there's a better way for you.

Speaker 1: 12:02

So I'm going to read that page again, see if there's anything else I wanted to say. It's not you, it's overwhelm. Oh, my goodness, so important. Stop beating yourself up. I mean a lot of the overwhelm is the self-judgment right, the, what we call around here in the gentle rebellion, the McJudgy and McBashy, that whole. It's. There's something wrong with you. If only you were better, if only you stopped procrastinating, if only you could focus. If only you know that's not helpful. Be on your own side. It's not you, it's overwhelm. Overwhelm stops you being on your own side. It stops you thinking straight. Deal with the overwhelm first, not the to-do list first. That's a myth. There's no pot of ease at the end of your to-do list. It's a trick.

Speaker 1: 12:52

You are perfect and a work in progress. I love that Zen contradiction there. So the way I see that is, our natural states are one of perfection. Now, perfect is a difficult word. I see it as there's nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You're just learning to fly your own ship in this adventure. That's it.

Speaker 1: 13:16

So that means that every sign and signal through the day from a tight jaw to irritation, to unexpected emotional outbursts, to a feeling of ease, to like everything when observed is useful information. It's just feedback from the world around us. So the overwhelm is useful information. The exhaustion is useful information. The snappy grumpiness is useful information. The unexpected delight when something happens that you weren't expecting All of it's just useful information. So, when you see it from that point of view, you're this being of loveliness who wants to do good stuff in the world, who wants to help people, who wants to have fun, who wants to live her life, or him or her who wants to live their life fully. But you tend to have a tendency of harsh self judgment, so this enables I don't know. I just really like this.

Speaker 1: 14:21

It's a Zen premise you are perfect and a work in progress. The work is to let go of the belief there's anything fundamentally wrong with you. Now, that worries some people because they're like well, what if I was a psychopath or a sociopath? I'm not talking to those kind of people. I'm talking to big hearted people who want. Big hearted people who want to do good work and be fully present in the rest of their life, who are full of integrity, full of love, but are losing themselves, striving to have the life they work so hard for. Talking to a very specific group of people who, like myself, want to live fully but tend to get crushed secretly. Nobody knows. We call it secretly surfing the verge of burnout. Nobody knows how overwhelmed and exhausted you really are because you look like you're coping from the outside and you are coping, but it's costing you and you reach a stage where the cost is just too high.

Speaker 1: 15:32

You are not a self-improvement project. I really want to turn self-development on its head. We call it self-development hell around here. When you're just constantly like this is a really good thing to do Write down all of the things you're trying to improve about yourself, will you think are wrong with yourself at the moment? I call it identifying your secret. Get better at list. It's not written down necessarily. It's probably just going round and round your head. If only you were better at this. If only you were better at this. You need to be better at this. You need to be better at this. It's rubbish. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not a self-improvement project. The work is to let go of the belief there's anything fundamentally wrong with you. Does that mean that we're never improving? No, it doesn't mean that, but it's starting from a different position. Therefore, you eat well because you think your body, you love your body, you're connected to your body, you're listening, you feed your body well, you allow your body to move, you allow your body to rest because there's nothing wrong. You are perfect just as you are. It's coming from a different place.

Speaker 1: 16:41

The adventure through life is finding your strengths, celebrating your strengths and letting go of all the nonsense that there's something fundamentally wrong with you, that you're not good enough, that you have to justify your existence by overworking. You're not a problem to be solved. This is really important. If, like me, you're really good at getting stuck in your head and you love solving problems, you've got really analytical brain and you'll go off on a Google rabbit hole of you read this and you read this and you read this and you've lost an hour and now your brain's full of stuff and it was really interesting, exciting, but it's. Adding to the overwhelm is obviously helpful, because there are other things you could do, like practice, being like we talked about before, moving from that deep, focused work to just being present, being grateful, allowing the joy that surrounds you to fill you up and just let go of the overwhelm.

Speaker 1: 17:38

So it's easy to get stuck in problem solving mode, particularly about ourselves. I find it really, really helpful to just let that go. I'm not a problem to be solved. I am the person I am and I love myself and I'm curious about myself. So, instead of seeing everything as problems, I'm looking at the world as oh, that's interesting. Why did I react like this? Or let's explore that further. It's a. I become a. Instead of a self-improvement project, I've become a curious, like a curious, adventurous project, trying to just getting to know myself and how I tick. So, at 55, I like myself more than I've ever done before. It's taken me a long time to learn that taking care of myself properly should be my biggest priority. Yeah, I learned that one really late, finding out, for example, what your values are. Now, I would argue, you discover your values. I thought you could kind of pick them, like identify with the list. It's a good place to start, but I recently discovered that freedom is my number one value. I had no idea. No idea. Anyway, that's a whole nother podcast.

Speaker 1: 18:51

So you do not need to overwork, pushing yourself through the heavy life-crushing fog of overwhelm into exhaustion, to have the life you want. I'm going to say that again because it's really important. You do not need to overwork, pushing yourself through the heavy life-crushing fog of overwhelm into exhaustion to have what you want. You don't. Overwhelm is optional. Get rid of the overwhelm. Learn to get rid of it or learn to move out of it more appropriately, to notice it and move out of it. Then you can have the life you want. Because overwhelm is blocking you from seeing your easier ways. The more you ways you do not want too much Uh-uh, I'm not going with that.

Speaker 1: 19:37

I have not downsized my dreams. In fact, I've raised them hugely because I'm being honest about what I want and that's freeing. It also takes courage and also, I would argue, connecting to the heart is the best way. But it's one of the hardest questions is what do you want? It's not an easy one to answer. Go gently. And lastly, I'm going to read this sentence again and just let it sit with you for the week. There is no secretly written deal with the universe that have the life you want. You have to put up with overwhelm Doesn't work that way. Ok, this is from my book Overwhelm is optional by Heidi Mark, available on Amazon. I hope that you enjoyed having it read to you and having my thoughts on that one page. That's page one. Ok, have a great week. Thank you so much for being part of this podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please do take a little moment of your time to share it, like it, etc. To help other people find it. And if you'd like to know more about my work, please go to wwwheidimarkcouk.