Doing it all is not the same as having it all

Reflecting on my journey to burnout and bouncing back again, I've realised, maybe a little late in the game, that trying to do it all is not the same as having it all.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Overwhelming's optional podcast, where each week, we find ways to gently rebel against the nonsense that overwhelming exhaustion are just the price you pay to have the life you want. I've been thinking a lot about the difference between having it all and doing it all, which sounds really obvious now I say it, but this is how it came about. So I stumbled across my LinkedIn profile, which I don't often look at, and I think I updated it a few months ago with a new tagline to try out for fun, which said have it all by going small. And that came from a conversation I had with somebody who said they had this objection to what they thought. What I was about to say to them about my work was oh, you can have it all, but you've got to make these huge, wild, sweeping changes. And when she managed to listen to me, despite feeling very overwhelmed, and said oh, so you mean, I don't have to make huge wild disruptions changing it, you're saying that I can do small things to have it all, that's amazing. And then she just says so, basically, I can have it all by going small or something I don't know. She's messing around with this thing.

Speaker 1: 1:11

So I thought I'd try it out, because it's fun to try out different ways of communicating what I'm trying to communicate with the world and with myself. And I saw it again and read it again and thought does that still feel like a good message? And I don't know, you couldn't mess about with these things forever, it doesn't really matter, it is a good message. And then it suddenly struck me, and now I'm saying this, I feel slightly embarrassed because it feels like the obviously Heidi, but anyway, I'll share it anyway because this is my journey and I feel that by telling my story it will help at least one person, because if some, if I had come across this podcast 10 years ago, man, my life would have been much easier. So here goes.

Speaker 1: 1:52

So it suddenly occurred to me that I used to think that have it all, I had to do it all, and that doing it all, just finding better ways to do things, would mean I could then have it all, whereas now I've realized the way I look at it is. I've redefined what having it all is. Now and this is really important it's very easy, isn't it, to look at somebody who, like me, who's saying you can have it all and you can chill out about it is that you think, yeah, but then you're not really as busy as me, you're not trying to achieve as much as me, you're not under as much pressure as me. But I was because I thought that that was the deal with the universe, that the deal with the world is that if I felt under considerable pressure, I could have work that was meaningful because it had responsibility.

Speaker 1: 2:38

And with responsibility, with great power, comes great responsibility. No, we're not going to Spiderman. With responsibility comes the pressure of obligation and the looking after of other people, making sure that they're okay, and managing people can be tricky, so there's lots of pressure involved in that. If you don't want that pressure, you need to downsize and do something where you have no responsibility and you have less meaning in your work. Although that's how my mind used to think. If I maybe just I don't know went and did something like waitressing or something, then maybe that would be easier and I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed, and then I could just downsize my life, live in a much smaller house or a house somewhere that isn't as beautiful to live, a cheaper place to live, just downsize everything and then I'd be okay.

Speaker 1: 3:32

And so I got stuck into this black and white, thinking that either I had to find a way to make everything work by becoming more skilled at doing things, so better at managing people, better at managing myself, better at managing my stress, better at sleeping, better at finding energy to exercise, even though every time I went to exercise it made me ill, because that really didn't help. You know those people who say, well, if you exercise, you feel better. Well, that doesn't work for everybody at all points in their life. It's one of those well-meaning things that works some of the time. I mean I definitely. Now I'm well again. Now I'm not surfing the verge of burnout.

Speaker 1: 4:09

Exercise in general does make me feel better, but not if I'm really tired. It doesn't Now. Maybe it does for you. People are very, very different. I used to know somebody who's answer to everything and she wasn't a big eater, she wasn't overweight but her answer to everything was food. She said that you can pretty much solve everything by just eating. Definitely not for me. That's not how my gut works. My answer would be probably not to eat actually, and I found that my answer to most things when I'm feeling, you know, not quite myself is actually rest. Rest has a hugely beneficial impact on me, although I still notice sometimes I'm resisting it, which is hilarious because it pretty much rest will do it for me. But sometimes exercise will.

Speaker 1: 4:56

And now I'm well and I pay attention. I'm better, more skilled at paying attention to what I need. I'm more likely to do what's most helpful for me or change course halfway through. So so I go to rest and then I'm like no, my body really wants to move, I'll just go out for a quick walk with my dogs, or maybe I start on what I think is going to be a long walk and then I think actually, did I forget to eat because I was excited about doing something, or am I just? That's not quite right. No, I'm going to do a shorter walk and I'm okay with that because I'm not in competition with myself in the way I think I was before.

Speaker 1: 5:31

So before I thought to have this life where I get to have really good work, like work where I have responsibility, I can, I can change how things are done. I can, you know, have power to make things better, and with that comes more money, etc. And then a better lifestyle, that well paid, meaningful works, satisfying work. I thought, because everybody else was reflecting that to me that to have that cost would cost me in terms of overwhelming exhaustion and time and space for myself and my life outside of work. That work would just naturally have to leak into the rest of my life. That it would cost me that that's like, that's what you pay, that's that's the deal.

Speaker 1: 6:19

And because I believe that I was prepared to make those sacrifices, now I know differently. Now I know that's not true and also that it doesn't work because it's not sustainable and that I'm not at my best when I don't look after myself. So now I've redefined those things and I've looked at my beliefs, because when I believe, when I believe that that was, it was an either or thing I didn't want to downsize, even when I was at my most exhausted, I mean sometimes I used to think, oh so maybe in six months time I'll hand in my notice and we can move to here and I can just like chill out or, you know, just do less. Somehow I wanted too much and I should have wanted less. And if I wanted less, that would have been better.

Speaker 1: 7:14

And it's my own fault if you and I do think there were subtle, there were subtle and probably very unsubtle messages coming with. You want that much, if you do insist on having another promotion. In fact, I remember once I went to see my acupuncturist and he said how are you? And I was clearly exhausted and I said, oh yeah, I'm pretty tired, but I'm really excited I've got a promotion. And he, instead of saying congratulations I can't remember what the words were, but it was like, oh dear, it's quite interesting. It wasn't entirely negative, but it was. It made me kind of like jump with the like, paying attention, because people don't normally react like that. And now I think I would react like that to somebody who was looking exhausted.

Speaker 1: 8:00

But getting promotion after promotion, after promotion, because it's not always a good thing, it depends what you want, it depends what your definition of having it all is. And if we think about now, I know that everything I do is in order to feel a certain way safer, more acceptable, more loved, at less risk of disappointment, to have more space for myself, to feel more fulfilment, to feel rested, to feel well, to feel connected, to feel a sense of achievement, to feel more ease, to feel more loved, like everything we do is to feel something right. And once I remember that or have learnt that and consider it more. Then it becomes easier to look at what I'm up to and where I'm going off course. And it also makes it easier for me to have it all, because, instead of trying to do everything, I just think about how I can have that feeling already.

Speaker 1: 9:08

So having it all to me is having joyful, satisfying, meaningful, well-paid work, because what matters to me it really does. I love to work and I want to do work that uses my unique skills and knowledge. That matters to me, so I'm not going to give that up. And then I also want to feel really, really well and I'm 55 now and I can honestly say I don't think I've ever felt well or seriously, and I'm not some major exercise freak or really really strict diet. We eat really well. We eat really good quality food. That doesn't mean I never eat rubbish and we like to be outside as a couple, as a family. We like being outside. We have animals. I do a lot of shifting stuff in the garden, which is my natural gym, going for a lot of walks. But I don't have some serious, highly structured exercise program because I don't like that. That doesn't work for me, but it has worked at times in my life, but right now I know what works for me and, yes, I still get my mind bombarding with things like you should be doing more weight lifting, because you're a woman who's getting older and there's still those alls and shoulds. That's going to happen, right. But in general, I feel really well. I'm really grateful for my health and I know that because of the contrast with five years ago when I burnt out and I'm never going back there.

Speaker 1: 10:50

It takes a long, long, long time to properly recover from burnout and then to undo the habits and beliefs that allowed me to treat myself so badly, allowed me to think that it was fine. I mean, part of it is a is a knowing that I'm quite a tough person, as in, I'm quite resilient. You know I'm quite good at dealing with a lot of stuff and still being okay or appearing to be okay. You know I'm very good. I'm very high functioning under stress, so I know what was going on. I was thinking, yes, but that person needs my help, so I can. I'm going to keep allowing them to offload on me or offering to help them because they've come to me, even though I was planning on leaving half an hour ago because I'll be okay, because I genuinely believed I would be okay, because I just honestly didn't think I was the kind of person to burn out. I genuinely like it didn't. It just never would have occurred to me, even though there were times when I was obviously close to it. So that's so, it's not.

Speaker 1: 12:04

What I'm saying is it's not just that I was treating myself badly. It's that I had the belief that I wouldn't burn out. I had the belief that I was handling it. I had the belief that that surfing the verge of burnout, even though I didn't realise I was doing it, but the the symptoms I look back on that overwhelming exhaustion, that just about getting through another day, that struggled to get up in the morning, that Saturday morning unwellness, that lack of headspace, that constant putting things off outside of work that mattered to me, but also that thrillingness of achieving stuff at work. You know that's that's great fun, right, I love all of that.

Speaker 1: 12:48

But the cost was too high. But I thought it was the cost, like it's just the way things are. There's nothing you can do. So I thought to have it all would cost me. That. It did cost me that and that was okay, like it would all even out. I don't know, I would find a way.

Speaker 1: 13:07

I and I'm also very optimistic, so I did believe that I would find a way, and I was always finding a way to tweak things. So I upped my productivity by studying productivity and learned lots about how to be more productive and hold less stuff in your head, and that helped me be more productive. But all I did then is, instead of taking more space for myself, I just took on more, because ask a busy person and you know there is. There is something nice about being the go-to person to get things done, because that's fun, right if you're, if you're a really efficient person who can see how things can be better. This is, it is a really valuable role and it is fun being in the role. But it cost me, cost me too much, and now I know that that's not a price I'm willing to pay in order to have that satisfaction in work, because actually I didn't have it all.

Speaker 1: 14:01

I was constantly struggling to have it all. I was doing really well at work and part of my life was going very well. So you know, had good relationship, but there was lots. I had lots amazing experiences like travelling and all sorts of things. There was a lot. It wasn't like I wasn't doing anything outside of work, but it it was imbalanced and I was losing parts of myself that are very, very important to me, like my ability to switch off easily and laugh and sleep well and just be well and be at ease and be happy that that was going.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Because I got stuck in that push, push, push tense mode, because that got me through the day, it was working and I didn't think I had a choice, whereas now I would say, okay, so I want it all. How can I have it all and I mean all now I thought I was aiming for having it all by solving problems like not being able to sleep, not being able to switch off, aches and pains and tension in my body and wellness. You know, just manage your stress better, learn to sleep better, learn to be more productive, learn to have better boundaries, learn, learn, learn, learn, push, push, push, push. I thought if I solved all of those problems, I would solve the problem. Then I could get my life back and I could keep the career and have a life outside of work. And I spent years working that out and learned a lot. And those things do work and they're all valuable, like learning.

Speaker 1: 15:41

Sleep does work. But if you keep piling on the stress and not looking after yourself, then in the end, no matter how much sleep you have, you're not going to feel great because it's just too much. You just I was just pushing myself too hard, so now I've had to say, okay, so, trying to do everything, so that would be like. So in my time off I'm going to do, do, do, do, do. I'm going to go traveling, I'm going to make this happen, I'm going to have this happen, and you can do that, you can juggle it all, but God is exhausting and it's not very much fun. Also, I don't like everything to be structured. So if I've put in, you know, like sleep. I read all of the sleep stuff and it was very structured go to bed at the same time, get up at the same time, have a very structured sleeping environment like temperature and duvet and pillow. Oh my goodness, it's exhausting even thinking about it. Now I find it much easier to sleep. I just don't have all of those things. I have some of them. So I know, for example, that if I'm tired and I don't go to bed when I'm ready to go to bed, then I'm what I call miss my sleep drain and then it's like you have to wait a bit for the next sleep drain and that's a sleep cycle. So I do still. I'm sort of aware of those things and I'm still using them.

Speaker 1: 17:03

What I'm not doing is having such a restriction on my life that I just can't do anything. It's just horrible having it like that and that, constantly trying to squeeze more and more achievements and experiences and tasks into each day, I also found actually that wasn't resulting in me having it all. That was resulting me doing it all and it's not actually that satisfying because there's not really any space to feel the satisfaction of achieving things. It all, just everything happens too quickly, everything feels too overwhelming, overloading. There's just that's not having it all. So I was mistaken before and I can see that now I'm not worried about admitting that because that's how we do things, that's how things are set up, so it's not terrible. It's just that, thankfully, because I completely imploded my life by burning out and had to find another way, I've found another way and I'm really excited about that.

Speaker 1: 18:12

So now I would say, having it all means first of all identifying what that means to me, and it changes over time and in seasons. So that to me still means having well-paid, satisfying, meaningful work that uses my unique skills and expertise and gifts. That matters to me and it matters to me right now that we still get to live in this house, that we still get to pay this mortgage. That matters to me. Don't know if it always will, but right now I want, I choose this lifestyle, I choose this work. I choose to feel really well. I choose to have friends that have the same values as me, that value me and I value them. There's an equal exchange of energy and value, like deep connection, that I work with people who have similar levels of integrity, and that's different, isn't it, than having it all before? So before it was a struggle between well-paid, meaningful work and the rest of my life. Now it's the things that are completely intertwined. So by up-leveling my expectations of my relationship. So I only work and I'm friends with people who work with integrity or behave with integrity, who have similar values. So that's about having it all. Now to me, it's about valuing myself.

Speaker 1: 19:47

So the biggest thing for me has been and this sounds so silly now I don't know what it is some people just seem to grow up with an understanding that looking after themselves is just what you do. I really didn't. It just feels a bit silly. Now it's taken me you know well I think it was last year I first declared this out loud 54 years to learn that looking after myself properly is like basic life skill. And it seems silly because it's not that I was silly, as in you know, I wasn't looking after, I, looked like I was looking after myself properly. But it's that I didn't really understand that it's my number one job, that it's a fundamental and very serious commitment, that everything stems from looking after myself properly, that overextending myself, that overgiving that, not having good boundaries, that not putting myself and my health first, that's crazy, it's just crazy.

Speaker 1: 20:55

Honestly, it's taken me this long to really understand that, that I matter, that looking after my body, that eating when I'm hungry, that resting when I need to rest, that being able to say, excuse me, can I have a drink of water, like some really basic things that I just didn't get. I just didn't seem to know. I don't know why. I'm sure there's lots of reasons why I have the exam and reason. I've talked about them before.

Speaker 1: 21:21

It depends, doesn't it, on what's being mirrored around you, but I've always been amazed and admired how some people can just walk into a room and they just expect to be respected and taken care of, like they will just ask for what they need, and it doesn't seem to create a fuss, it doesn't feel wrong. Now, some people do make a big fuss and I think that's what's put me off, because I really don't like making a fuss. I don't know if it's a very English thing, but I just don't like being centre of attention. I don't want to make a fuss, I don't want to be moan, I don't like moaning things, but there is a way, isn't there, to say actually I need a break, or actually that time doesn't work for me, or can we rearrange that? Or could I have a glass of water, or would you mind letting me sit down? I don't know.

Speaker 1: 22:12

There are ways of doing these things where you can look after yourself in a gentle but firm way, and that's what I aim for now. Have I got it sussed? No, but the fact that I feel more well than I've ever felt is a really good sign, and I'm getting better at understanding my needs and how to communicate them when I need to communicate them to somebody else and basically it's not really to do with other people, it's to do with me. It's to do with how I can easily get stuck in my head and forget about my body and then wonder why I'm really hungry, I'm really tired and my body aches. It's just because I got over excited about work. To be honest and that could be this kind of work or that could be I do it when I'm working in the garden. I can go all day and my partner will say to me are you overdoing in the garden?

Speaker 1: 23:05

Again, it's easily done. I just get really, really hyper focused on something and I really want to finish it and I just I love that part of me. But I have learnt and am learning more and more to say hang on a sec, you know, you've got a body. You don't just live in your head, knees looking after too. Anyway, I just wanted to share that, the idea that doing it all is not the same as having it all, and that sounds so simple. Now I can see that clearly. But it's really important because I still know that at times I'm trying to do lots of things in order to feel a certain way, in order to have that feeling of having it all, that peace, that sense of achievement, that feeling at home in my world.

Speaker 1: 23:54

I can easily get stuck in the doing rather than the what. Does having it all mean to me today? What's really important to me today? How do I get to move through my day in a more hidey way? That, to me, is how I go for the having it all. Now it has to be different and I have to keep paying attention to when I'm slipping back into old habits of pushing on through, trying really hard, thinking there's something wrong with me. So I have to constantly almost apologise for my rubbishness by over giving and instead just lean back into okay, what's the most hidey way to move through my day so that I can both enjoy everything I've worked so hard to create right now and continue to create more and more of the things that I desire to experience in the future.

Speaker 1: 24:58

It's that sitting with both, isn't it? The look at everything I've managed to create and leaning back into woohoo for me. And also, at the same time, saying and now, what else would I like? At the same time, because that's the thing, it's the not settling. I don't need to settle in order to feel safe enough to be without over pushing myself. I also need to be able to expand into more and more, because that's the adventure and I want the full adventure. I want it all. Love to know your thoughts on this. Please drop me a line at Heidi, heidi at HeidiMarkcouk, or follow me on Instagram and just message me and let me know what you thought of this episode. I'd love to have a chat with you. Have a great week For more resources to help you gently rebel. Please visit my website, wwwheidimarkcouk.