What If Success Never Required Self-Sacrifice?

Overwhelm isn't the inevitable price of ambition. I'm not buying that story And if you're here, you probably aren't either.

This episode is about The Gentle Rebellion. What it is, why it works and why it doesn't require a fight, a dramatic stand or any energy you don't have.

Plus a playful five minute exercise to help you say no.

This podcast was created to help big-hearted, driven professionals break free from overwhelm and experience more clarity, ease and joy.

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This podcast is here to soothe and inspire, helping you reclaim your life from overwhelm. It is not intended as medical...

Transcript

Rosie’s Wild Spark Of Energy

What Gentle Rebellion Means

Private Boundaries Without Grandstanding

A Playful Practice For Saying No

Bringing The Energy To Work

Stay Connected And Final Takeaway

SPEAKER_00 0:12

Welcome to Overwhelm is Optional, the podcast for big-hearted, highly driven professionals who are ready to turn overwhelm into clarity, ease and joy. I'm Heidi Mark, the Gentle Rebel Coach, and in each episode I share insights, stories, and practical tools to help you gently rebel against the pressure to push on through. Because you matter. How you are in the world matters. Hello, hello, hello, how are you doing? Welcome to the Overwhelm is Optional podcast. Please forgive the noise. Rosie's scratching, the scaffolders are banging around outside because next door's having the ridge, uh, whatchall it? The ridge removed, the ridge updated, renewed on the Thatch Cottage next door. It's but if I don't record and you don't manage to forgive me for any noisy distractions, then this isn't going to happen because it's a really busy week. And anyway, I'm excited to bring this week's episode to you. So please forgive the noise, ignore the clanking, ignore Rosie, whatever she's doing. She's very, very old. Oh, I'll tell you a funny story about Rosie before we start. So Rosie's 12, which is old, especially for a cavalier spaniel, and the other day she decided to come for a walk. Walks to her are now optional, which is fine, she's an old lady. Anyway, we're walking through the woods, and suddenly Rosie picks up speed. Usually she dow-doors, occasionally she runs, but not in general. Suddenly, masses of speed charging on ahead, tail raised high in the air. I'm like, what is going on? And I look and there's something sticking out the side of her mouth, something big sticking outside the mouth. I think, oh my god, she's got half a rabbit or something. She had the back end of a squirrel, obviously being dead a while, but not disgustingly, quite a clean break, badger or something, I expect. So she's charging, she's charging through the woodland with this huge squirrel tail out the side of her of her mouth. She I couldn't catch her, she was so happy. So this this very old this very old dog is is literally charging with absolute delight, which reminded me of the time when she was quite young when she did actually get half a rabbit, and that was disgusting, and she squeezed it through the cat flap with great skill. Isn't it funny? Dogs are disgusting, aren't they? But lovely! Anyway, I thought that might make you laugh or cringe one or the otherly, we could do the whole oh, what can we learn from Rosie in this situation? And it is the whole so she's old and doesn't have as much energy, but when she finds something that she loves, she suddenly has loads of energy. Yeah, that's a nice metaphor, isn't it? Like it anyway. I'll leave you to dwell on that and what is your equivalent of a dead back end of a squirrel that makes you feel energized. And this week I want to talk about the gentle rebellion, something I haven't spoken about for a few years. I'm not entirely sure that the message has updated. I still feel really solid in the idea that we need to gently but firmly rebel against the nonsense that overwhelm into exhaustion is just the price you pay for having the full life that you want. I'm still with that, but the reason I've been thinking about it recently is I've been doing quite a lot of in-person networking and on my badge it says the gentle rebel coach, which just makes me think because people say, Oh, you're the gentle rebel coach, what does that mean? And some of the time I'm like, Oh my goodness, how do I explain that? Which is funny. I think it's when you've been saying the same thing for a while you forget. So, anyway, I've been having a rethink. I don't know if I've come to any more conclusion, but I just I really wanted to share it with you because actually it's really important sometimes to go over some basics. So the reason it's the gender rebellion is because I love an oxymoron, because I want to do things differently, and it's because rebelling is going against, which requires taking a stand and it requires a lot of energy. And the problem is that if we're always pushing against and using energy just to survive the right to be ourselves, that's costly. If you want more energy, it needs to be this is just how things are, this is just who I am, which is very gentle, it's a very different energy. So it's not shouty, it's not taking a stand, it's not it's not requiring anybody else needing convincing, which I think is very important. So, what we're doing here is we're changing it from the current normal expectation, which is if you want a lot, if you're highly driven, then of course you're overwhelmed. Of course you are. What do you expect? What do you want the moon on a stick, Heidi? Well, actually, yes, I do. So, what we're doing here is instead of trying to convince people that there's a lot of nonsense that creates a lot of overwhelm and therefore exhaustion, because pushing to focus through overwhelm is by definition difficult, it's foggy, eventually your brain feels like concrete, and it's not the most skilled way to focus at work. And there's there's research on this, right? How to focus at work, and it's definitely not by pushing through overwhelm, but most people seem to be pushing through overwhelm, so it just becomes normal. If you want a lot, you are going to have to accept this is the status quo. The alternative is that you quit, that you want less. So if you're not prepared to want less, if you still want a lot, if you want well-paid, meaningful work and to have a life outside of work, then you're either gonna have to put up with the overwhelm or you're gonna have to find a way to do things differently. And the way to do things differently is by saying no to the status quo, which is a rebellion by definition, because if most people aren't doing it, you're taking a stand against them, you're saying I'm gonna do things differently. That's rebellious. Now I like rebels, I like doing things differently, I like finding an alternative way. But the problem is, I don't know about you, but when I get feisty and I'm pushing against that costs me. So the idea of the gentle rebellion is that it's gentle, it's firm and it's clear, but it's gentle, it doesn't require energy, it requires commitment, it requires being clear about who you are and what you want, and then that becomes your norm. So you're not trying to convince everyone else, you're not trying to make everybody else rebel with you, you're not trying to change all the structures in your organization, being there, try to do that. And of course, it's possible and often really beneficial to try and change structures within organizations. Organizations can have really unhelpful structures like too many meetings, and you know, you know the thing. However, I'm more concerned about you personally because how you are matters to me because I'm a transformational life coach specializing in helping big-hearted, highly driven people have the life they want, which means being able to focus and have satisfaction at work and be able to switch off, laugh easily, and be present with those you love. To have that rebelling in a big way costs too much, and it's also not what we want to be practicing. So the purpose of the gentle rebellion is first of all, we're changing how we're creating the change because how you do things matters. In fact, how you do things is everything, how you are in the world is more important than what you do, but also when you change the how you tend to do more of the things that are more helpful rather than flailing and trying lots of different things. So it's a different, it's a very different energy to it, the gentle rebellion. So we just decide, yeah, this this doesn't work for me. You guys can all, you don't say this in public, obviously, you guys can all stick with your overwhelm and your exhaustion. That's your business. I'm not going to try and convince you, but me personally, that's not what I want. So I'm going to do things differently, and I'm going to do it in a way that is different. So it's the wanting something different, acknowledging that, acknowledging that you're going against the grain, and it's the how you choose to do that which is fundamental here. So let's think about the how. So once you've decided that you no longer have to make a big grandstanding public commitment where you're trying to convince everybody else to do things differently, so it's less shouty, less outward facing, it just becomes easier because you can take your time, you can tune into yourself, and you're saving energy by doing that. And because it's private, it's not so high risk because you're not taking a stand, nobody's judging you. You probably judge yourself, but hey ho, that's part of gently rebelling. We're also going to gently rebel against our own instinctive, fear-based need to constantly harshly judge ourselves because that's part of this rebellion. A lot of the pressure is actually coming from inside you, not from the external. However, that's part of the adventure. So the gender rebellion I see as an adventure in itself, and it's the how you are adventuring into living more skillfully so you can have the life you want. So you're rejecting the norm, you're going into finding your own way of doing things, and there'll be things that are in common with me, my clients, my community, but there'll also be things that are very personal to you. But the how we're doing it is what matters. So gently but firmly rebelling is very different than fiercely taking a stand against, and that energy is useful to you. So, for example, one of the tools and techniques I use is finding a hundred different ways to say no. Because those of us who like to say yes to everything, to all opportunities, and who don't like to let anyone down, who love helping people, it's very, very easy to say yes to too many things at once instead of spreading these things out. And being able to just pause and say, Let me think about it is very powerful. So the difference in saying no when you're pushing against would be quite shouty, quite reactive, quite emotional. No, stop asking me to why is that person asking me to can't they see I've got enough on my plate? Can't they see how much I've I already do? And that's that I mean, we don't tend to say it, we may or may not. We don't usually say that to people, we can just be a bit off with them, or we don't know what to do, or then there's all this resentment which sits in our body and wakes us up at 4am. Whereas imagine a gently rebellious way to say no. First of all, you'd have to do some self-examination, so becoming aware of all the places where you're saying yes when you really want to say no and what that means for you and why it's difficult. And although that requires effort and it can be quite emotional, it's really important because then then what's happening is you're not just learning a hundred different ways to say no, you're actually learning how to honour who you are, you're getting to know yourself better, and that's that in my opinion is far more important than being able to say no. It's just knowing who you are. Then it snowballs and gets really, really easy. You don't actually need a hundred ways to say no, you actually just need to know who you are, what matters to you, and have one or two, maybe three ways of saying no. So imagine saying no in a gently rebellious way. Can I think about it? Um maybe can I get back to you? I'd love to, but I'm not sure I've got time at the moment. No. No. Not for me, thank you. I don't actually say that not out loud to people, but I say it inside, hmm. No, that's not for me. And that self-recognition goes right to my heart, and my whole nervous system goes, Oh, you see me. So nice. No, that's not for me. And it's a gentle rebellion. I cannot I'm almost like stamping my feet in a kind of toddler dancing way. No, that's not for me, and then coming up with a grown-up appropriate way to externalise it. Can you see? Gently but firmly rebelling. Okay, I've just realized I didn't tell you the how to get to the hundred ones, hundred ways to say no. So you use the twenty things five times. So the twenty things is put on some fun music for five minutes, put one to twenty on a piece of scribble paper, and then just any old write any old rubbish down, ways to say no, including hilarious ones, like throwing water over somebody or going off and a half, or you know, going no no no no no, or you know, just like write anything down, get into the gently rebellious spirit of this, because part of the gender rebellion is a playfulness, reconnecting to that part of you that can laugh easily, the warm, bubbly, lovely part of you that that goes, Of course I'm not doing that. It's crazy. If I say yes to that, I'm gonna have no space or energy for my family. And how many times have I promised myself I would have space and time to spend with my family? Duh, it's obvious, right? That laughing way of doing it is really helpful because it just releases the mind and the whole body from the fear, black and white, high state, everything's high stakes. So you do that five days in a row for five minutes, and you'll have a hundred ways to say no, and most of them will be absolutely rubbish, but it'll have been fun doing it, and you'll have one, two, three. You only need you know, you don't need many ways to say no, you need to give yourself permission to say no, but having fun finding it is the point. So, can you see how instead of listing serious ways to say no, we've done the whole process of how to say no in a gently rebellious way. We're putting on fun music and we're messing around, and we're not it's not high stakes because you're gonna chuck that paper away, you don't keep it, it's not important, you're not documenting anything, you're learning how to honour who you are and what you want, and you're allowing yourself to mess up because you're writing down messy ways to say no. So, that would be one example of the how, the gently rebellious way of doing things, and overall, this is just one hell of an adventure. That's how I see it. Once you start tapping into a gently rebellious attitude, it comes out in all sorts of ways. So, for example, if you're going to an important event, you can put your gently rebellious metaphorical boots on, or you can take your shoes and infuse them in your whole being, not just your mind, with a gently rebellious attitude, whatever that means to you, and then you're walking with this gently rebellious attitude, and that changes how you show up, and how you show up matters more than what you do or say, and also actually what you do and say tends to be more in alignment with who you are, because I have found that the right words come at the right time when you're in the right energy, when you're in your energy, when you're in your best energy for that situation. So the gender rebellion is about not just rebelling against the status quo, which is that if you want a lot and you want to work hard and have a full life, you're gonna have to accept that overwhelm and exhaustion is just part of the price you pay. So we're rebelling against that because clearly it's a nonsense because what you actually want is to be more fulfilled, and you can't be more fulfilled if it's costing you yourself, it doesn't make any sense. That's the that's the contradictory bit, not the gentle and rebellion. Yeah, it's not because you moron and it sounds contradictory, but only in a way of opening your mind up to a possibility of doing things differently, it's fun. Whereas the very idea that we can be fulfilled by destroying parts of ourselves is that's the nonsense. Come on, guys, this is just wrong. And how can success mean the very sacrifice of yourself? No, this is just wrong on every level, and I believe in hard work, like hard work at something you love, that's really satisfying, right? Is I'm not against hard work, I'm against hard work, which includes pointless things which don't get you towards satisfaction and fulfilment. The nonsense work, not interested. Let's let's focus on what matters most because you don't you can't do it all, you don't need to do it all, and by definition, trying to do it all is what the problem is. But I do believe you can have it all. If by having it all you mean focus and satisfaction at work, the ability to switch off, laugh easily, and be present at home. If you mean that, having it all, I'm here for you. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this week's episode and I hope you're gonna try out some gently rebellious attitude this week, and I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening. Thank you so much for listening and for being part of the Overwhelmers Optional podcast. If you want to continue the conversation, please do connect with me on LinkedIn, Instagram or YouTube. Let me know your thoughts. I love hearing from you. And if you found this helpful, taking a moment to share, subscribe, and leave a review would be much appreciated. It helps other people find the podcast. If you're ready to turn overwhelm into joy, you'll find my books, resources, and ways to work with me on my website heidimark.co.uk and on Amazon. All the links are in the show notes. Until next time, keep gently rebelling and making overwhelm optional for you.