Wives Not Sisters

Are We Actually Compatible? A Queer Couple Takes the Ultimate Relationship Quiz

• Kayla Nielsen and Alix Tucker • Season 1 • Episode 6

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In this episode of Wives Not Sisters, Alix and Kayla put their relationship to the test with a compatibility quiz led by producer Lex. From cover-stealing confessions to worst vacations, love languages, chores, intimacy, and financial teamwork, the couple dives deep into what makes their partnership thrive (and where it needs work). This candid and hilarious conversation shows that compatibility is about more than just matching answers—it’s about laughter, growth, and resilience.


Timestamps:

00:01 – Intro + Producer Lex joins the mic

01:09 – Who steals the covers?

03:07 – Best and worst trips together

05:22 – Karaoke or dance party?

12:25 – Talking finances + shared goals

18:54 – Communication struggles & therapy wins

32:33 – Gratitude and love languages

38:34 – Intimacy + the lesbian deathbed

55:16 – Conflict styles & growth over time

58:25 – Future goals + Pele energy

#WivesNotSisters #QueerPodcast #CouplesGoals #CompatibilityTest #LGBTQPodcast #RelationshipGoals #QueerLove #LesbianCouple #PodcastLife #LoveAndLaughter

Connect with us on social media: IG: @wivesnotsisterspod | TikTok: @wivesnotsisterspod

Follow our hosts on Instagram: @kaylalanielsen @alix_tucker


SPEAKER_01:

hey guys it's alex and kayla and we're married not related definitely codependent

SPEAKER_00:

but in a cute way and if you are watching on youtube then you know we have a special guest here today we have producer lex in the building well she's always in the building but she's our angel oh yes behind the scenes she is our glue So she is here with us today because I don't actually know whose turn to lead it is. It's basically Lex's turn to lead. Love it. Finally. So she's going to be asking us some questions and we have to answer the same at the same time. This is hinting at our compatibility? Yes. Okay. A little foreshadowing for the

SPEAKER_01:

episode. Okay. I like it. I love it. The game is called Match Point. Yes. So are you guys ready? We are ready. All right. Let's do this. So first question, who is most likely to steal the covers in the night? I

SPEAKER_00:

think we both know it's you. It's you. It's unintentionally me. It is Alex 1000%. Clear, defined answer. I said this the other day. I was like, look, when we're making the bed in the morning, I'm like, look at your side of the bed. You have all the covers. And you're like, how is that possible? I don't even sleep with covers on. I don't use the covers.

SPEAKER_01:

That's the thing. So I don't know how it happens,

SPEAKER_00:

but it happens. You steal them and then just throw them away. What is that? Well, Why did you let me take them from you if you

SPEAKER_01:

wanted them? Okay, question number two. Who is most likely to overspend on vacation? Definitely me, I think. Really? Yeah. I think it's pretty even. I think I would. If I'm planning it and booking, I feel like I'll spend more than you will.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I was interpreting it as like when you're on vacation buying stuff.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh.

SPEAKER_00:

I feel like, I don't know. I think it's pretty even. Okay. We're both guilty. We both influence each other. I

SPEAKER_01:

like staying in

SPEAKER_00:

nice

SPEAKER_01:

hotels, so then I'll just be like, oh, but this is so nice. I want to stay here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alex likes the bougie life. This is really fun for me to get to know you guys better. It's true. Good to know. Okay, question number three. Who's most likely to cry over something you're watching together? Alex.

SPEAKER_00:

These are all Alex. I don't know why I get so emotional watching TV shows. I mean unless it's animal related then yeah

SPEAKER_01:

like we cannot watch anything where a dog dies

SPEAKER_00:

I don't even want to watch the trailer I don't want to see anything about that but otherwise it's

SPEAKER_01:

me are you also like crying at the commercials in between are you like pretty are you not that bad I'm not that bad but anything where there's cancer scenes like don't get me started I will cry every time why do they even make things like that anyways okay next question Favorite trip you've ever taken together? Ooh.

SPEAKER_00:

Europe last year.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Nice. Definitely Paris. Well, I would say– Which is part of the Europe trip. I think it was the whole Europe trip. The whole trip was amazing. Mm-hmm. We've actually, like, not had a lot of great trips together, which is really wild. Makes it easy to pick a good

SPEAKER_00:

one, then. That's exactly what I was going to say. It makes it easy because most of the other ones have been– not that the trip– really bad things have happened on the trip. Yeah. Usually, like, something goes

SPEAKER_01:

wrong. Like

SPEAKER_00:

– horribly wrong horribly

SPEAKER_01:

wrong and this last trip to Paris was in Europe was amazing

SPEAKER_00:

yeah no hospital trips no hospital trips excellent and we were nervous because it was right after I had done my egg retrieval so we're like oh how am I going to be feeling but it was and

SPEAKER_01:

seamless and most of the places we've been it's not that easy for us to be like out and have PDA right and in Paris you're just like everyone's fucking gay everyone's gay love Paris for that shout out Paris Okay. Worst trip you've ever gone on?

SPEAKER_00:

Galapagos. Really? Oh, no. I was going to say Botswana. What? Are you serious? Oh.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. Galapagos was horrible. Not because of the place.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So in Botswana, I found out I was pregnant and then also found out I was no longer pregnant. That happened. And then we got trapped in the country Remember? And then they denied our passport. It was a whole thing. They didn't want to let us back into South Africa. Because neither of us had

SPEAKER_01:

enough pages in our passports to fly back to South Africa.

SPEAKER_00:

It was a whole

SPEAKER_01:

thing.

SPEAKER_00:

And they wanted to detain us when we were coming through. And the guy was just super aggressive and mean.

SPEAKER_01:

It was rough. I don't know. I think I would go Galapagos. And you still imagine Galapagos is worse than that. I know. I'm like, what could be worse? Tell us about Galapagos. I feel like it was just we were in a bad place it was in our like yeah it was like a really hard time in our relationship and it was just like you know when you go on a trip with somebody and you're not in a good place and you're just like oh my god now we're stuck together

SPEAKER_00:

now we're stuck together instead of like enjoying time together it was kind of like let's go on the trip and maybe it'll make things better yeah it's like having a baby to make things better don't do that

SPEAKER_01:

don't do it good advice good advice oh hi baby um okay next question care Karaoke or dance party? Dance party. Dance party. Nice. Clear answer on that one. I love that. Who would survive the longest on a deserted island? Kayla. 1,000%. I'm pretty useless.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, no. I was going to say we have established that you're just more bougie. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Fair.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And you're just like her hands and feet are so soft. You know what I mean? She wouldn't last long. You're a very resilient person compared to me. You also don't really sunburn, so that would work in your favor.

SPEAKER_01:

That's

SPEAKER_00:

true.

SPEAKER_01:

Nice. Okay. Beach vacation or mountain getaway? Ooh. One, two. Is this like you as a couple? Three. Beach. Oh, nice. Surfing. Same page.

SPEAKER_00:

Sun.

SPEAKER_01:

Although

SPEAKER_00:

we do love the mountains. But we love the mountains. Yeah. But I don't know. The beach is just the first thing that came to mind. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. Spend or save?

SPEAKER_02:

Save. For sure.

SPEAKER_01:

You guys definitely found your match. Yes, we are psychotic about that for sure. That's great. Who's most likely to get lost even with Google Maps? Me. She has the worst sense of direction.

SPEAKER_00:

Which then is like, would I survive on a deserted island? I don't know. I don't know. You shouldn't

SPEAKER_01:

be allowed to drive cars.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, let's... For many reasons. That's not true. I'm not a bad driver. No, you're a good driver. It's a very mental thing because I'll be like, I know where I'm going, right? Is it right or is it left? And then I start panicking and then I choose the opposite of what I think it should be because I'm like, surely I can't be right about what I...

SPEAKER_01:

I

SPEAKER_00:

just...

SPEAKER_01:

I really

SPEAKER_00:

psych myself out. It's scary in there.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Oh, even I know the answer to this next one. Who's more dramatic when they're sick?

SPEAKER_00:

Alex.

UNKNOWN:

Alex.

SPEAKER_01:

your face come on I feel like that's been brought up at least a couple times in the last couple episodes yes I just need

SPEAKER_00:

tender love and care when I'm sick you have that a lot better I will say but it's it's a lot it is a

SPEAKER_01:

lot oh my gosh okay stay in or go out stay in yeah for sure y'all are consistent I will give you that like you have really uh we're on the same page been on the same page for every question okay last one oh this is a juicy one too if you were a celeb couple what would your ship name be oh no you probably don't even know what that means do you like when they combine the names okay yes look at you I don't know Calyx no

SPEAKER_00:

but what is so hard

SPEAKER_01:

Tuxin

SPEAKER_00:

no not our last name we're not athletes what is this I don't know because how else do you combine Alex and Kayla just Ayla Ayla Ayla? Ayla? No, wait. Calyx is just your name. That's what I said.

UNKNOWN:

Didn't I? Calyx? I said Calyx.

SPEAKER_00:

Calyx.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I thought that the question was going to be which celebrity couple would you be if you were one. So can you answer that one? Because that's what I wanted

SPEAKER_00:

to hear.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe that's too hard on the spot. That's really hard. What do you think? You've

SPEAKER_00:

never thought about it? No.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Do you have one for us? You can get back to me. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

Not off the top of my head. That'll have to be a TBD. Yeah. I mean, I would want to be Sarah Paulson and her wife. Holland Taylor? Yeah. Oh,

SPEAKER_01:

there you go. But

SPEAKER_00:

I'm

SPEAKER_01:

not like 20 years older than

SPEAKER_00:

you. I know. It's not about that. I love them. It's just they're iconic.

SPEAKER_01:

They are iconic.

SPEAKER_00:

It's just that where it's like I love the other queer vibes. Yes. The

SPEAKER_01:

dynamic is there.

SPEAKER_00:

It's just something about it. I do think we have

SPEAKER_01:

Abby and Glennon vibes a little bit. Aw. Yeah. Like you are very much a Glennon. I agree with that. That's true. That's true. Yeah. Okay. like the writer you the creative one the creative the channeler yes

SPEAKER_00:

and you're the bro

SPEAKER_01:

I was going to say more like golden retriever but

SPEAKER_00:

I feel like Alex brings the grounding

SPEAKER_01:

too in many ways really yeah

SPEAKER_00:

seriously

SPEAKER_01:

this is an outsider's perspective okay anyways you all did great that is the end of the quiz I will go back to my booth I mean, I don't know, but I have to say that I think we might be somewhat compatible just based off of that little test situation. We might be.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, I was going to say something and I totally just forgot. That's okay. This is what happens when I change seats. It's like perimenopause. Everything

SPEAKER_01:

is out the window. Went out the window. But

SPEAKER_00:

yeah, that was fun. We actually did really good.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm not surprised, though. We're pretty on the same wavelength.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, the thing is, it's like we definitely don't always agree, but we know the places where we don't agree. Does that make sense? You know, like sometimes you might be like, I'm not more dramatic, but you know that you really are. Or I don't know. It's like things that you fight on. I mean, I am more dramatic. We know. Oh, that's what I was going to say. If anyone listening has any ideas of who our celebrity couple will be or maybe a better celebrity. Celebrity ship name would be. Please let us know. Help us out. So that we don't end up as Tuxen. Let us know. Is that what we should change our last

SPEAKER_01:

name to? Because I know we're like going through the process. We're going to get the same last name. We are. Instead of my last name, should we go Tuxen?

SPEAKER_00:

That sounds like a, I don't know why it sounds like a beer to me.

SPEAKER_01:

I know we were talking about this the other day, but you know how Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey just got engaged? I do. Yes. I really think that he needs to take her last name.

SPEAKER_00:

Because she's the daddy. She's the

SPEAKER_01:

daddy for

SPEAKER_00:

sure. Yeah. I mean, well, obviously she's not going to take his last name. That doesn't make any sense at all. No, she

SPEAKER_01:

cannot take his last name.

SPEAKER_00:

But it's like, I mean, it would be a privilege for him to take her last name. I think he would. I think he would take it. I think Travis Swift.

SPEAKER_01:

It really works.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, it works for anyone. Swift. Yeah. It's such a good name.

SPEAKER_01:

It's a great name.

SPEAKER_00:

But yeah, I agree. He should definitely take it because She's got that daddy energy. Okay, so compatibility. We talked a little bit about this in our episode on the Queer Ultimatum. We were talking about compatibility in couples. Yeah, we did. And so we're over here pointing fingers, judging all these people on TV like they're not very compatible, but let's see if we are. Okay. I mean, I think we kind of just showed that we– I don't know if that's compatibility just because we have the same answers though. I mean, I think there's

SPEAKER_01:

like different levels of compatibility. compatibility for sure

SPEAKER_00:

well that's kind of just more like we know each other really well and we know the dynamic that's not the same as being compatible that's true I guess it's like what is compatible well let's let's go through this quiz we're gonna take a quiz on air we have not looked at these questions yet so you guys are hearing them the same time we are

SPEAKER_02:

okay

SPEAKER_00:

and we'll put the quiz link in the show notes if you also want to take it with your partner or I don't know I don't even know if they're all gonna be romantic or not I didn't want to look at them because I wanted to be surprised and I figured This is a good quiz. I

SPEAKER_02:

hope it's good.

SPEAKER_00:

Pressure's on. Okay, so question one. How do you and your partner approach financial matters? Option one, we often disagree on spending and saving habits. Option two, we have similar attitudes towards money but lack clear communication about it. Or three, we openly discuss finances and work together to make decisions.

SPEAKER_01:

I would say we openly discuss.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. We talk about money a lot.

SPEAKER_01:

It hasn't always been that way though. Like in the beginning of our relationship, like I would say we weren't always as great at communicating as we are now. Well, but we've like, it's always been a priority.

SPEAKER_00:

With money or just anything? With money. Because we hadn't merged finances yet, which I think makes a big difference. We also, I said urge, we merged finances before we were even engaged

SPEAKER_01:

yeah which I don't recommend no

SPEAKER_00:

to people for people to do this is not something

SPEAKER_01:

that we're like you guys should do this but we just we knew we were getting engaged we knew we were getting married like we were all in it was just easier don't recommend it

SPEAKER_00:

it just felt and some people never some people never combine all the way that I

SPEAKER_01:

don't understand I think that I do understand once married merging makes a lot of sense

SPEAKER_00:

I understand it I think especially women in our generation it's like a lot of our moms have told us you know or maybe not even just your moms who society is even kind of like drilled it into you make sure you've protected yourself because it seems like the generation before there were a lot of instances where women get divorced and they have nothing yeah and so it was in for millennials I don't you think that like we've kind of been told that from a very young age of like make sure you are protected financially I

SPEAKER_01:

think it's just like an independence thing as well yeah which we I feel like we had drilled in our head of like make sure you're like you can take care of yourself you're independent financially, all those things.

SPEAKER_00:

This is my money philosophy. What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. Honey, basically I have nothing

SPEAKER_01:

and you have everything. Fair enough. Okay, sounds good. No, I think I would say it's one of our favorite topics in general. And I think it's because like when I was thinking about compatibility and I feel like there are various levels to compatibility. There's like, I don't know, there's maybe like initial chemistry or sexual chemistry and then you have maybe I don't know like building upon like shared interests maybe that's another level and then you maybe get to shared values then ultimately like I feel like the highest form of compatibility is like can is like building something together and can you do that and are you aligned in what you want to build together and do that well and for us I feel like it's that is what we are really really good at and money is such a big part of that of like what we're trying to build for our family for our future and so for us I think that's really why it's such a big topic it's really around like what are the things that we want to go and do and achieve together and then how can we best approach it and either like through budgeting through investing through all of the approaches that we have and so that we ultimately achieve the shared goals that we have as a couple and a family

SPEAKER_00:

yeah I think for me too it also I really I like it because it makes me it makes me feel excited it makes me feel like I'm working towards something you know I love a challenge We're

SPEAKER_01:

both very future focused

SPEAKER_00:

as well. for different businesses and now like surrogacy is super expensive you know we've had a lot of a lot of big financial things come up in such a short period of time of being together and I like that challenge it really pushes me because a lot of my work it's more the more I put into it the more I can get out of it you have a salary job so it's a little bit different you can't necessarily make more money if you work harder so I like having those goals because it pushes me to work harder too yeah

SPEAKER_01:

I also like the finance thing because it really shows like whether or not you're you're a team or not. Yeah. Because when things come up with money, it can be really hard. Or like if you're paying down a loan together, it's like, how can we approach this from a team perspective? And so I think it's, yeah, for us, it's been something that has really brought us together.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And I mean, I think eventually we're going to do a full episode on money stuff because people ask all the time on my Instagram, at least, you know, if I ever do talk about, I don't talk about money that often, like little investing things that I like. Thank you so much. Should I say option one or two? I mean A. They don't have numbers or letters or anything. Okay, I'm going letters. A. Communication feels one-sided or ineffective. B. We communicate well in some areas but struggle in others. C. Our communication is open, honest, and respectful. I think B. Really? We communicate well in some areas but struggle in others. Yeah. We're not... I don't know. I'm just like... Okay, our communication is open, honest, and respectful. Yes, the majority of the time. Yeah, I would

SPEAKER_01:

say 90% of the time that's the case. Yeah, but I don't– for me, it's like I would say C. It's like when B happens, it's pretty rare. Well. In general. And then it's usually me. Can we get through this episode without getting in a fight on TV? No, but I think in general, like the majority of the time, if I went like 80, 90%, I would put us in C.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I would say, yeah, that's true. It's never been A. It's never felt one-sided or ineffective. Well, no, it has felt ineffective at times, but those were like fleeting moments.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm also putting us to like where we are now.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I would say the first.

SPEAKER_01:

four years of our relationship we'd probably be

SPEAKER_00:

in B yeah

SPEAKER_01:

it took us a long time to like really nail the communication

SPEAKER_00:

elements okay so I'm saying C I have to submit the answers in order to get the next one but yeah communication it definitely well we also attribute a lot of the improvements to communication to two things one Alex starting therapy two Alex starting medication for her autoimmune condition which has nothing to do with obviously communication or anything, but it's just when you're severely imbalanced hormonally, it literally changes your personality.

SPEAKER_01:

Literally.

SPEAKER_00:

So that has been massive. My emotional

SPEAKER_01:

stability and ability to be more resilient, regulate, also just have more sustained energy to have difficult conversations. When you're exhausted, the last thing you want to do is have conflict or like have a difficult conversation.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Or you would just snap more easily. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

I just didn't have it in me. And since I've been on medication for the last year, it's just like gotten infinitely better.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

We just don't have the same level of conflict we used to.

SPEAKER_00:

But therapy also helped a lot. For sure. Because the biggest thing that I see in therapy is I will tell you something five million times. And then you go to therapy and you're like, my therapist said, you know, you say what it is. I'm like, yeah, crazy. I've only been saying that for five months or however long it's been. But no, it's obviously like you need to hear it sometimes from an outside source, whether it's a therapist, a friend, family, but it is really helpful. Sometimes it's

SPEAKER_01:

too close to home.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I'm like, she is working for me. She's an undercover agent. I'm just paying her off. She's an

SPEAKER_01:

undercover gajin. An undercover gajin. The best therapist of all.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, so that has been huge. Okay, so question three. How often do you celebrate each other's achievements or milestones? A. Rarely. It feels like accomplishments go unnoticed, B, sometimes but not consistently, or C, regularly it strengthens our bond.

SPEAKER_01:

i don't know how to answer this one because i don't know if it's like

SPEAKER_00:

i don't know

SPEAKER_01:

we're

SPEAKER_00:

not celebrating we're not like yeah we're not big celebrators which honestly we could be better at even lex was saying the other day because at the time of recording this we are launching the podcast tomorrow obviously when you're hearing this the podcast is live we are in the future or the past where are we i don't know but we and lex was like after we launch we should go out and get drinks or you know whatever and we're like sure I don't know, but I noticed that about us because when we opened our place in Nicaragua and I would have friends come or different teachers come and they would just be like, you should be so proud. This is so incredible. I can't believe, look around, look at what you've created. And I'd be like, yeah. And I know

SPEAKER_01:

we're both like that. We're both like, we're both such high achievers. It's

SPEAKER_00:

always like onto the next.

SPEAKER_01:

We're like, yeah, we just move on to the next thing. Cause that's the two future focus. I know. And we both do that. yeah but maybe it like doesn't create conflict within the relationship because we're both that way although we probably could use some balance of more celebration i don't we don't really celebrate at all we'll talk about it and we'll be like yeah this is so cool or i'm excited for this thing or whatever because but we never we don't take a step back to be like wow we worked so hard we did this thing and like look at all we've achieved

SPEAKER_00:

but even holidays birthdays like no over christmas we go to nicaragua we celebrate by throwing a party for everybody who works at our place yeah we don't

SPEAKER_01:

give each other presents at like really at

SPEAKER_00:

all not really on hot we do it more on random times not really holidays and stuff we've never given each other Christmas we more

SPEAKER_01:

celebrate other people I think you're right like we'll celebrate our staff we want to celebrate our community yeah and we'll give we'll give to the community but we don't I don't know what that is maybe we don't want to like receive that

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know I don't know okay interesting this is so so rarely but it's not like it I don't know Okay, we're saying rarely, but at least we both do it. Okay, so question four. How do you handle responsibilities and chores as a couple?

SPEAKER_02:

Well,

SPEAKER_00:

let me give you the options. Oh, okay. A, the workload feels uneven. It causes frustration. B, we divide tasks, but sometimes argue about who does what. Or C, we share responsibilities fairly and work as a team. I don't know. I do actually feel like it could be C. Even though- I was

SPEAKER_01:

going to lean towards B.

SPEAKER_00:

I can bitch and moan at you, but at the same time, it's like we just do very different things.

SPEAKER_01:

We have our own roles in the household.

SPEAKER_00:

Very- It's

SPEAKER_01:

like I do the grocery shopping. I take the trash out. There's certain things that I do and there's certain things that you do. Do you take the trash out? I do take the trash out.

SPEAKER_00:

Really? Yes. Because I have to remind you every time. But do I

SPEAKER_01:

do it?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, you do it. I do it every time. Because you have to. You're the trash man.

SPEAKER_01:

so yes you bitch and moan at me but i do my roles and you also have your own roles that you do

SPEAKER_00:

yeah

SPEAKER_01:

and you're like i i always clean the shower that's the thing i do i'll clean

SPEAKER_00:

the shower multiple times a week yeah our shower is just nasty for some reason that's a separate problem but i would say i do the majority of the cleaning like your two main chores cleaning wise are trash and then you change the sheets and i do the

SPEAKER_01:

shower

SPEAKER_00:

well yeah we both do that

SPEAKER_01:

and i do the all the grocery shopping

SPEAKER_00:

i'm talking about like household chores yeah but all other cleaning stuff i i do we kind of split laundry that's just more like oh if you're going downstairs flip it you know that i don't know yeah so i think it does feel pretty even i think for me part of the reason i can bitch and moan is because there's something sometimes it feels almost like degrading i don't know if that's the right word about cleaning up after someone where it just doesn't feel I don't know. It doesn't feel good sometimes, especially when I'm also balancing. It's like you are the breadwinner, okay? But I'm also working full-time hours. Yeah, you

SPEAKER_01:

work super hard.

SPEAKER_00:

And so it can just sometimes feel like I'm, I don't know. Oh, I

SPEAKER_01:

don't want you to feel that way. No, I know you don't want me to. It's more that I can be mindless sometimes because I use a lot of salt when I eat. And I feel like there's just salt ends up everywhere and I don't notice it. It's not. I feel bad. It's not just the salt. It's not just the salt. It's also the crumbs and everything. I don't know, but I don't want you to feel that

SPEAKER_00:

way. No, it's not that you make me feel that way. It's not like you're like, oh, you're not going to clean that up. You don't say stuff like that. It's just, I don't know. I don't know if that's like a societal thing of what it means to be a cleaning person. I don't know what that is, but there's something about it that just feels sometimes not good or can go unnoticed because it's like you like living in a clean house. You have high standards for cleanliness, but you don't realize how things get clean you didn't you thought your sink in the bathroom cleaned itself

SPEAKER_01:

I thought like maybe you like cleaned it once a month

SPEAKER_00:

that's disgusting that is disgusting imagine cleaning it once a month where I'm like yeah you have all these popsicle sticks on your nightstand and you're like how do you know about my popsicle sticks I'm like because I where do you think they go you think they all of a sudden you get a pile and then they just disappear you don't

SPEAKER_01:

know there's a fairy that loves and takes care of me

SPEAKER_00:

okay so do you think we divide tasks but sometimes argue about who does it yeah that's true okay oops okay so question five how do your personalities complement each other a we often clash and find it hard to understand each other b we have some differences but generally work around them or c our personalities complement each other and create a balanced dynamic

SPEAKER_01:

I'm

SPEAKER_00:

gonna

SPEAKER_01:

go with c

SPEAKER_00:

yeah I think like b or c because it's like we do have some differences of course but

SPEAKER_01:

I think we understand Yeah. Well,

SPEAKER_00:

that's not the question. Can you read

SPEAKER_01:

B versus C again?

SPEAKER_00:

So it's how do your personalities complement each other, not how do you understand each other. So B is we have some differences, but generally work around them. And C is our personalities complement each other and create a balanced dynamic. But I'm like, everyone has some differences. I mean, yeah,

SPEAKER_01:

of course we're different. Yeah. I think we're complementary.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. I don't know. I think they're basically the same. No. I already did it. Why would you do that? We were not a B on that one. See? I knew we were going to get in a fight on this episode. I think B.

SPEAKER_01:

What's a recurring issue that we have?

SPEAKER_00:

Are we really going to get into this? I don't know. Like, do we have recurring issues? Oh, my God. You are so delusional sometimes. Maybe I am. I don't know what to say. Maybe. I don't know. This is why I think it's funny that Lex said that you are the grounded one because she is in Delululand. She's consistently delusional. It's just like, this is what happens is I let's say we are kind of the way that we talk if I am let's use the example of the crumbs on the counter you know I might be like if someone heard it they would be like whoa you sound like a psycho but it's just how we it's a joke in the way it's banter yeah where I'll be like honey what the fuck is this shit you know and I'll just but it's or

SPEAKER_01:

you'll take a picture of it and send it to me

SPEAKER_00:

and I'm like really with a bunch of question marks but that's just banter yeah and you can tell that it's not it's not a serious it's just how we play it's not You could tell by the tone of my voice. I'm not actually being mean to you. But then you'll say, you know, you'll be like, you're always annoyed at me. And I'm like, yeah, because you're really annoyed. You know, we'll have this whole thing. And then you'll be like, but I'm never annoyed at you. And I'm like, that is such a lie. And you're like, that's not true. There's not one thing you do that annoys me. And I'm like, okay, I'll remind you of that next time I'm annoying you. I don't think that you annoy me. Ever. You, okay. I'm just going to play this game. I genuinely

SPEAKER_01:

believe that to be true.

SPEAKER_00:

I know because you have short-term memory loss. You are Dory. Just full golden retriever. Or goldfish. I don't know. But I genuinely believe that. So I'm going to go with C. No, we have reoccurring issues. Do we? I don't think

SPEAKER_01:

so.

SPEAKER_00:

What are they? Name one. It's about the way that we'll fight. So this is a... Okay. I don't know if you're emotionally prepared for this. See? Be gentle. If we're in the fight, you tend to get very defensive. Well, yes. I do that. Yeah. Is that a recurring issue? My defensiveness? Yes. Because then the problem can escalate very quickly. Okay. I do that. Before the medication, it was also like we said. I'm getting better though. I've gotten better. You have gotten better. But another reoccurring issue before was there was this kind of like volatility and unpredictability where say the crumbs example, I could be like, hey, they're you don't really do it anymore as much but I'm giving you examples that won't be as triggering okay and I can say there's crumbs and you'd be like oh my bad wipe the crumbs the next day you'd be like what the fuck like why do you hate everything about me you know so I would just never know what I was gonna get and so then I wouldn't want to say anything and then it would pile up and then it would all come out and then you'd be like whoa why do you have all these problems with me and I'm like because I can't tell you because if I tell you I don't know what I'm gonna get so that used to be a yeah it's not as much anymore i don't do that anymore well i mean no one's perfect but yeah i think our ability to resolve reoccurring issues is very good is a lot better but it took like you said it took time four years to get there

SPEAKER_01:

yeah it took a solid four years

SPEAKER_00:

yeah oops oops i just okay okay so question seven how do you express gratitude or appreciation for each other rarely it sometimes feels like the effort goes unnoticed occasionally but it can happen more often regularly it's a key part of our connection you do it way more than me and I know that's why you're giving me that look right now people who are not watching don't just look at my face on YouTube okay yeah I'm not a words of affirmation I

SPEAKER_01:

am a words of affirmation girly yes and I do not receive them enough I

SPEAKER_00:

know. And it's not intentional, though. It's not like I'm trying– you know how we talked about on the Queer Ultimatum how we were saying the dynamic with Ashley and Marita? And it felt like Ashley was– I don't know if this is true, but it seemed like she was intentionally withholding.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't do it intentionally. I'm not like, oh, I know she wants to hear. Thank you. And I'm not going to do it. It's just I also am not big on receiving it. So it just does nothing for me. And so I have to be better. about okay this is important to her so I have to be mindful and incorporate it but yeah I'm not super good at it

SPEAKER_01:

it's okay I know that you appreciate me

SPEAKER_00:

yeah because because I show it through acts of service which is my love language not just that but no I know if you were to say

SPEAKER_01:

like the things that you appreciate most about me it would there's certain things that would come up that I know to be true now in the beginning of our relationship I didn't always know that but I know it now

SPEAKER_00:

well that was another reoccurring problem is that when we would get in a little scuffle we keep using the crumbs as an example because that is a perfect example of something that's not that big of a deal but then it can get extrapolated into this thing that is this big deal you know and it would be like I just you know that would be your tendency when you get defensive it's like well I just suck at everything I'm not good at anything and you don't I did all these other things why don't you recognize those and I'm like the crumbs have nothing to do with those I'm not saying you didn't

SPEAKER_01:

feel like you wouldn't notice all the things that i do

SPEAKER_00:

yeah for us because you would just hear the negative stuff yes so so how often do you express gratitude do you think occasionally but it could happen more often we have different answers for me it's like you do it all the time all the time but so and i don't and mine is more like rarely so in the middle is occasionally i think yeah okay

SPEAKER_01:

we'll go be

SPEAKER_00:

okay i'll try to be better okay question eight how do you handle time apart from each other well in case you didn't hear the intro we are definitely codependent but in a cute way so no we well okay I'll give you the the options a we struggle to maintain connection and feel disconnected b we stay in touch but occasionally feel distant during times apart c we trust each other and feel secure even when we're apart I think definitely c definitely c we've never

SPEAKER_01:

had I think the funniest part is that whenever I have to go away for work you're always so excited and ready for me to leave but then the second I get to wherever I'm going you're like texting me and like calling me and sending me voice notes like why can't you talk I want to talk babe and I'm like no it's not the second it's about 24 hours within 20 I mean honestly the last trip was even faster and I was I'd be out to dinner with co-workers and you're texting me like when are you getting home and then you called me because you thought like

SPEAKER_00:

maybe I got murdered on the way home or something that was very different that was very different you were out at dinner and it was 9 30 or 10 or something you had texted me at dinner I was doing yoga and a meditation wasn't looking at my phone I saw a text from you that had come through 30 minutes before that said something like we're just finishing dessert or getting dessert and I'll call you after and it was at least 30 maybe more minutes before and you didn't call me and you were in a big city you're just a gay girl out there all alone in San Francisco big bad streets of San Francisco where I lived for 10 years and I was like my my immediately goes to she got murdered great like now I'm gonna die alone and so I'm calling you I'm like are you it wasn't that I was like oh is she with someone else no it's never about that and if you hadn't have texted me that you were finishing dessert I wouldn't have called you because I would just think oh she's still out with her co-workers but you would just said I'll call you when I'm walking back and you didn't and you were like oh it just took a really long time like you were still at the restaurant but I was like please just and her let me know you're okay oh my god that's that's where my mind goes yeah

SPEAKER_01:

but definitely see

SPEAKER_00:

yeah so we definitely we trust each other we feel secure it's never it's never a jealousy thing but for me the intrusive thoughts are real that's the biggest thing that happens when we're apart especially like a plane flight apart because i'm like what if her plane crashed will you just get anxiety yeah and i would like to thank my mother for that because she still does she likes to know tell me when you land it doesn't matter what time it's at where you are in the world because I used to travel all the time and I'd be like and I would always forget to text her because the first thing I do when I land isn't thinking of I need to text my mom you know I'm like 30 so it's just not where my brain goes and now I get it because I do that to you and I'm definitely going to do that to our kids I feel like

SPEAKER_01:

what you'll do is you'll text me like did you land yet just to see if it went through because

SPEAKER_00:

my flight land it or not well but I do that around the time it should have landed yeah and if it hasn't I'm like oh my god oh start checking the news honey plane gone down I just it's bad I told you it there's a lot going on up here you guys um okay question nine how would you describe your physical intimacy it feels distant or lacking connection b it's present but could use more effort or communication or c it's fulfilling and feels like a meaningful expression of your bond Would you like me to answer? Yes, please. I feel like B, but not– it's more that it can happen more. Because B says it's present but could use more effort or communication. I don't feel like it's that. I don't think it's the communication. It's just the lesbian deathbed of it all. Yeah. Where we're kind of like, but I'm tired.

SPEAKER_01:

You know what I think it is? It's just like I'm going to go with B as well. for the same reason, it's like, okay, first of all, we're busy all the time. And then it's like, oh, one of us is on our period or one of us is sick or, and it's just like. There's always something. Always something. And you're like, God damn it. How do you have energy for this? Yeah. And so then, yeah, the deathbed can creep in. It's like a real thing. But I feel like I'm usually the one that's like, okay, honey. The initiator. Yes. Yeah. It's

SPEAKER_00:

time. It's time. The time has come.

UNKNOWN:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. And I think that could be an area you could work on. Yeah, I know. But there have been times too that, yeah, it has gone, I think it's gone both ways. Yeah. It has, you know, but right now, and this isn't an excuse, like the miscarriage and everything at this point was a long time ago, but not just this last miscarriage, but the whole fertility process of it all. Was

SPEAKER_01:

brutal.

SPEAKER_00:

Is, you're also, when you're being pumped full of hormones, you're like, I don't even know who I am anymore. Sucks the life out of me. I can't feel anything, let alone arousal. That is just not happening.

SPEAKER_01:

No. I will say that post-miscarriage, I thought we did a pretty good job of communicating through it though.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. No, you were never pressuring me or anything. And then it got to the point that you were like, maybe it's time. And I'm like, maybe, but I was also scared. I was just like, we

SPEAKER_01:

have to come

SPEAKER_00:

back together

SPEAKER_01:

now.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

We have to.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And I was, yeah, it was scary. I think just like the physical pain. paint everything it was just I was so so tender after in every way and the thing is though it's like it's always amazing you know it's always amazing it's just the like getting to that point why

SPEAKER_01:

don't we do this more yeah

SPEAKER_00:

I know yeah I'm with you but then also very lesbian it's like once you get started can't stop what are you talking about that's how it feels it's it's not there's never quickies we don't have quickies

SPEAKER_01:

okay but i thought you were going in a different direction which is like more where i feel it is like i could have like eight orgasms yeah that's i don't understand it's just like it could be never ending you and i love that of course i love that for me i think it's amazing that's the best part about being in a queer relationship that's the best part that's the best part it's okay i'm exaggerating it's one of the best parts but for you you're like a one and done kind of girl I'm a man so you're like you're referencing the fact that it it's like a minimum of 20 minutes at least 20 to 30 minutes is like the minimum length of time not that like I'm like it could go on forever and that would be amazing you're like no

SPEAKER_00:

one and done no but it does sometimes go on for a very long time I'm saying compared to somebody who had a lot of straight sex in my time when you're hooking up with a it can happen in 30 seconds you know like it can be so fast with a guy and it just I feel like with a girl it's so much there's just so much more that goes into it it's never just a fast thing so for me

SPEAKER_01:

that's what's so nice

SPEAKER_00:

about it I'm not saying it's bad but sometimes that's the mental hurdle for me to even get there because I'm like oh this isn't just going to be like a quick little scuffle you know scuffle romp whatever this is going to be a whole marathon you know this isn't a sprint and so then I'm like I'm tired now just thinking about it honey I'm just I'm being honest okay so

SPEAKER_01:

question 10 I've been cursed by straight sex because I've never had that experience so I just I'm like give me 30 minutes or give me death

SPEAKER_00:

just too much dick I've just been cursed okay question 10 when facing challenges how do we support each other a one of us feels unsupported during difficult times b we try to support each other but it does not always come naturally or c we act and uplift each other to get through things. I'm gonna go C. Definitely C. We're very supportive. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

We're definitely like big cheerleaders of each other and help each other and like navigate through hard times and good times and all the times.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. That one feels really easy too. Yeah, really easy. It doesn't feel like something we have to, yeah, natural. It doesn't feel like something we have to work on to get better at. Okay, question 11. When making decisions together, how do you and your partner usually handle it? A. One of us usually makes the decisions and the other just goes along with it. B, we try to discuss things but often have difficulty agreeing. C, we collaborate well and find solutions that work for both of us. I'm going to go C. Oh, I thought you were going to say something worse because you're giving me a weird face. I'm going to go C, but I will say that you dictate a lot in our life. I like to use the word dictate.

SPEAKER_01:

You're a

SPEAKER_00:

dictator. No, but I think that the big decisions.

SPEAKER_01:

No, we're very

SPEAKER_00:

on the same page. Yeah, I would never just make a decision and not tell you.

SPEAKER_01:

No, it's more with the small things like you're always going to get your way. And so I just. Give me an example.

SPEAKER_00:

You don't have one because you're Dory. I mean, that is

SPEAKER_01:

so true. And that's so unfair. But

SPEAKER_00:

that's not. This is one of

SPEAKER_01:

the reasons why I will lose every single fight that we're ever in because you're a lawyer You have like, you've documented everything in the case. And I'm like, I can't remember what happened five minutes ago, but I know that you hurt my feelings.

SPEAKER_00:

But I know I didn't like it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

But that's not my fault. I didn't steal your memory from you. That's something. It's your fault. Okay. But yeah, I do think that it's, I mean, it's not perfect, but generally, yeah, we collaborate well and we find solutions that work for both of us. Oh no, the internet just went out. Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I'm with you on that because I think, You know... through all the biggest decisions we've made we've made a lot of really big decisions together yeah like what like we said we merged finances we decided to move across the country together we bought a house we've moved across the country multiple times we also moved to a different country built a retreat center you know we've done started business we started businesses together like we got a dog together we have

SPEAKER_00:

starting a family

SPEAKER_01:

yes we have made a lot of really big life choices and with some of those choices we had to work through to get onto the same page on but i think in in general, like most of them are pretty easy for us to get there. But

SPEAKER_00:

I think this is the other thing that I noticed. It's not always, I like talking to you about decisions that I'm trying to make, not because I need permission. You know, it's, I don't need that for you to grant me. Okay. Yes, you may do that, but it's like, I value your opinion, you know? And I think it's the same. I'm assuming the same for you with me. So that's why it comes naturally to talk about decisions, even if it's like, well, it's, still is my decision and you don't need to weigh in on it but we like to talk to each other about it

SPEAKER_01:

in true lesbian fashion we like to talk about everything extensively all the time forever

SPEAKER_00:

and then start a podcast and talk about it some more just works okay question 12 how often do you and your partner share laughter or lighthearted moments we've laughed so many times in this episode I was just wondering if it's annoying for people to hear us laugh all the time okay option a rarely I mean we know frequently yeah it's Option C.

SPEAKER_01:

It's something we talked about recently on a walk. We're just like... Even though sometimes we feel like we live somewhat of a boring life, although I feel like a lot of people who are listening to this who know us are going to be like, what are you talking about? You don't live a boring life. But in some ways we do. We are very routine focused. We do the same things every day. We'll go on walks together. We don't

SPEAKER_00:

drink alcohol. We stay in. We

SPEAKER_01:

stay in. We're very much homebodies. But the thing is, is that we make each other laugh all the time. And so in that way, it feels like our life is really exciting because we're just always cracking each other up.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Over the most ridiculous, I mean, I think most couples can, even best friends, even if you're not in a couple, you can relate to that where you have, there was this TikTok trend around this where it's like having your own language and you have all these little phrases and sayings that, or, you know, you have a whole songs that we have for our dog and we have at least a hundred nicknames for her that come from the weirdest origins that if someone was just listening to our day to day, they probably wouldn't even know what we're saying half of the time. No,

SPEAKER_01:

no. Because

SPEAKER_00:

you just adapt your own language, but it's so silly and easy and makes life more fun. Okay, so question 13. How do you and your partner handle independence in the relationship? A, one of us tends to be overly dependent on the other. B, we have some independence but occasionally clash over it. Or C, we balance independence and togetherness well. I

SPEAKER_01:

don't think there's an option on here for probably what we are.

SPEAKER_00:

Option D, you're a lesbian. That's really what it is.

SPEAKER_01:

Option D, you're codependent. Yeah. I don't know what one we are, but we can just tell them what we are. What? I would say that we really value together time. But in general, you value alone time probably more than me.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I value my alone time, but you need it more than I do. And so I have to like accept that and give you the alone time that you need so that you don't– to have me in my sleep

SPEAKER_00:

it was it was a lot I was just talking to one of our friends about this the other night that when we first got together that was honestly much harder for me than being some people you know it's a transition of going from dating men to women none of that mattered it was just the sheer togetherness also because it was COVID so we were even more trapped together both working from home all of my relationships before had this element of long distance too so it was a huge change for me and it was really hard I'm a lot more used to it now where it's like I can have kind of quiet alone time but you can still be here in the house or be sometimes we both just lay on the bed or the couch and it's just quiet we're together but alone when we first got together I couldn't even handle that I was like no you need to leave the house or I'm leaving the house and just I'm gonna walk just walk and be alone so yeah I don't know which one we are it's like we we do balance

SPEAKER_01:

it but I think so I think like of the answers it's C because the other ones that I didn't resonate with

SPEAKER_00:

yeah we don't it I feel like it's really more of a B but it's not this B is we have some independence but clash over it occasionally we don't clash over it no but

SPEAKER_01:

we

SPEAKER_00:

are we

SPEAKER_01:

support each other's independence

SPEAKER_00:

but we're together all the time like you're like get out of the house go surfing with Lex yes please Lex is like you can come I was like no I'm good I'm just gonna enjoy a little alone time

SPEAKER_01:

you love when you have the house to I love it. You're like, get out of the house.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah. And that's going to be one of my who's the problems one time because it's already on my list. Speaking of lists that I have. Okay, so question 14. How do you and your partner handle your emotions during tough times? A, they often dismiss or minimize my feelings. B, they try to help but sometimes struggle to offer the support I need. Or C, they're empathetic and understand and provide the support I need. I think C.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, me too.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

This one feels natural.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Because again, we've gone through really tough times together. I think just like anybody who's experienced any kind of loss in a relationship, and there's so many other ways too you can go through hard times without just loss, but that is really one of those things that can kind of make or break people. You know, it's like I understand why people do dissolve in that time, but it only brought us closer together. Like we talked about in our fertility episodes so definitely and it just felt natural okay so question 15 when spending time together how do you both feel about it a we're often distracted or disengaged when we're together b we enjoy some activities together but often prefer we just talked about this doing things on our own or c we genuinely enjoy and prioritize quality time

SPEAKER_02:

c

SPEAKER_00:

yeah it's it's pretty obvious at this point um okay question 16 how well do you value or how Mm-hmm. I think C. I think C. This was something that

SPEAKER_01:

we connected on really early in the relationship on was just...

SPEAKER_00:

We did?

SPEAKER_01:

We had never... Yes, that we had so many shared values and we'd never really dated somebody that had the same... level of shared values that we had what values are you talking about just everything the way that we wanted to prioritize our life our family the way we wanted to raise our family like there's so many elements that we like quickly aligned on

SPEAKER_00:

yeah

SPEAKER_01:

that it was very unusual

SPEAKER_00:

yeah I had kind of categorized that more as like a lifestyle and now I see that that those are values you know but at the time it was just like that was just the lifestyle you know and wanting to lived in another country and wanting to split time and these things that yeah aren't always as common for people to to want as well so that was a huge connecting point for us okay question 17 how do you and your partner approach personal boundaries in relationship a boundaries are unclear and ones that often feel overstepped b we acknowledge boundaries but sometimes struggle to respect them and c we clearly communicate and respect each other's boundaries i think B. When am I crossing your boundaries? Maybe you're doing it right now. Am I? No. I don't know. It just feels like C feels a little too perfect. What was B again? B doesn't feel 100% accurate. We acknowledge boundaries but sometimes struggle to respect them. I guess that doesn't feel true. I

SPEAKER_01:

don't think either of us are crossing each other's boundaries.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I guess that's true. Like ever. That's actually true. We clearly communicate and respect each other's boundaries. Sometimes obstacles Option C just feels, you know what I mean, too perfect. Too boring, yeah. We don't have any problems. We don't really have

SPEAKER_01:

boundary issues though.

SPEAKER_00:

No, we have

SPEAKER_01:

other issues. We only had one real boundary issue was at the start of our relationship when my ex-girlfriend would not stop texting me. She texted me for two years straight even though I kept asking her to stop texting me.

SPEAKER_00:

And if you're listening, don't text after this, okay? No, but you were complicit. You were complicit for a while in that as well because you would the classic thing of i i didn't feel jealous like oh you still have feelings for her you want to leave me for her but you felt too bad to be like too much of a people pleaser is really what it is yes and you're like it's fine she's not doing any real harm and i'm like it's just that's the

SPEAKER_01:

only like real boundary issue we ever had and that was kind of a silly one

SPEAKER_00:

yeah

SPEAKER_01:

we worked through it quickly

SPEAKER_00:

yeah it wasn't it wasn't a big thing okay question Question 18. How do you feel about your emotional connection with your partner? A, often feel misunderstood or emotionally distant from them. B, we have moments of connection but struggle to maintain it consistently. C, we have strong emotional bond and openly share our feelings. Again, we're lesbians. Well, I'm not, but, you know, it's easier to say. So I would say C.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I get what you're saying. It feels a little bit annoying to answer

SPEAKER_00:

C. Yeah, it's like, you guys, look at how freaking great we are. This is, oh, my internet just went out again. I

SPEAKER_01:

think it's just though what it is. This wasn't always the case in our relationship where I think we had more disconnection earlier on in our relationship. Again, thank you for the medication, for my autoimmune disorders. And your therapist. And my therapist. But no, I think we're just in a much more steady state where first of all, when conflict arises in the past, it would separate us. It would create a lot of tension in the relationship And we would want to be apart from one another. It took us time to come back to even want to talk about it. And now it's like we move through things so much faster and with so much more ease that, first of all, when things don't arise that often, but when they do, we really get over it quickly.

SPEAKER_00:

And

SPEAKER_01:

so we're able to maintain a much stronger connection in general.

SPEAKER_00:

Because that's the thing for me is that it's usually it's like the discretion itself, the crumbs on the counter. The mistake is usually not that big of a deal. but what matters more to me is the way it's handled after I think we need a

SPEAKER_01:

whole episode on like how we've navigated through conflict because

SPEAKER_00:

oh definitely

SPEAKER_01:

for me that was one of the hardest things when we first got in a relationship was I really really don't like conflict and I would avoid it and I wouldn't want to address it and I wouldn't want to talk to you about it and but it was such a huge part of like coming together and growing and learning and so I really had to figure that out and it was really stressful Well, it

SPEAKER_00:

was also paired with, like you said, people pleaser, kind of perfectionist tendencies. You just wanted to make me happy. And so if you had any feedback that was implying that you're not making me happy, then you would feel like a failure and then you would just kind of like implode. Even though you were really upset at yourself, you know, but then you would take it out on me and I'm like, wait, why are you mad at me that I'm annoyed at you, you know? And it was just, again, the whole way it was communicating so it was like something small like the crumbs could turn into this three day thing I know and that was what was killing things it was just it would take so long to resolve and turn into something so much bigger than it needed to whereas I was like I just want to be able to tell you like hey wipe up after yourself so the toaster doesn't catch on fire yes that really happened I should be able to tell you that but instead it would turn into this whole thing and so then like I said then I would not want to say anything and so it would pile up for me and then all come out and you'd be like whoa you really hate me you have all this stuff you've been storing away yeah so it definitely it took a while it took a while

SPEAKER_01:

but now it's like yeah there's nothing worse than that feeling of disconnection in a relationship

SPEAKER_00:

yeah

SPEAKER_01:

so like once we worked through that it's just it's made everything so much better

SPEAKER_00:

The last thing I'll say on that is I feel sometimes we still have moments of it, but they're a lot more fleeting. And it's like instead of trying to fight that, it's like, oh, we're just– how we say it is like we're not speaking the same language right now. You know, it feels like we can be talking to each other as clearly as possible and it just won't sink in. It's just the words are zooming right past each other's heads.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, we're just not on

SPEAKER_00:

the same wavelength. And so we're like, cool, we're just not going to try right now because it's just not happening. I don't know if it's the moon. I don't know if it's Mercury. Mercury in retrograde. It's not mercury in retrograde. I don't know what it is, but sometimes it happens. And so we just don't force it. And I actually find it helps because then we get, it passes faster instead of trying to like really force through it. So yeah, that was kind of interesting. Okay. Two more questions. 19. When it comes to your future goals, how aligned are your visions? We rarely talk about long-term goals. We already talked about this. We have some shared ideas. We talk about this all

SPEAKER_01:

the time.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. So it's like a

SPEAKER_01:

phase. Favorite topic.

SPEAKER_00:

This is my favorite thing to talk about, our long-term goals. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

We love talking about all the cool things that we want to do and how we're going to accomplish them. It feels just like you're manifesting,

SPEAKER_00:

you know, regardless of how you feel about that word. We get excited

SPEAKER_01:

about, yeah, about the whole process.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And I feel like for us, it was like one of the things of us coming together, we always say this, is we had, or who said this to you? Somebody told you that we have Pele energy, like when you put us together we have Pele energy it's just like this really powerful volcanic strong fiery energy where it can create anything and I feel like I've

SPEAKER_00:

really resonated that anything

SPEAKER_01:

yeah I like to think about it as creation

SPEAKER_00:

energy instead it's powerful and it depends which way you use it

SPEAKER_01:

yeah and I think that's been one of the coolest things about us coming together is like we've never had that in another partner of like we're both people who when we say we're gonna do something we make it happen And we make it happen very quickly. And so when you put us together, it's like, that's how we got a retreat center done in less than a year. And just all these kind of things that would take, you know, most people longer time to make happen. And so for us, it's like, we're both dreamers and manifestors. And it's a cool part of the relationship.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And it's something I even do by myself. When I go out for a walk by myself, I put my headphones in. I'm not listening to anything. I just do that. so I could talk to myself and people won't think I'm crazy. It looks like I'm just talking on the phone and I'm just talking about, I'm talking as if it is the future in the present, you know? And it's just for me, I don't know, it gets me excited about my life and gives me things to look forward to. So highly recommend talking to yourself. Okay, question 20. How do you and your partner typically handle disagreements? A, we avoid the topic or let disagreement linger unresolved. B, we argue but eventually move on. So I used to

SPEAKER_01:

be a chronic avoider. Yeah. And I would say if it wasn't for you– I would still be that way for sure. But second of all, you make us resolve things.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

You will not let something go until it feels resolved. I

SPEAKER_00:

have a hard time living in– well, yeah. And

SPEAKER_01:

so I would say like we are forced to resolve things because you will not accept it unless it's resolved.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. It is especially hard because we live together. This isn't just a relationship where it's like, okay, we could take some time and then we'll figure it out. out eventually like it infects the energy of the entire household you know and but there still is a balance of giving person the other person time space whatever they need to process to resolve

SPEAKER_02:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

but not letting it linger too long i think when it lingers too long that's when it starts the energy feels toxic in the house like it feels gross

SPEAKER_01:

do you want to know why i think that we're able to resolve things

SPEAKER_00:

why

SPEAKER_01:

is because every night we go on a two to three mile walk we walk for an hour every every single night and all we do is talk to each other about our relationship about our future plans all these things and so if something's happening yeah it might take one or two walks over the course of one or two days but it's like we have that dedicated time and space every single day I don't think a lot of people have that with their partner well

SPEAKER_00:

this is something we talked about is we don't really do meals together that often that kind of is our some people do that over a meal and that is their time where they're talking and connecting Yes, but I think working through

SPEAKER_01:

conflict when you're walking, it really helps because you don't have to look at the other person, first of all. And the

SPEAKER_00:

energy is moving with you so it doesn't get all stuck and hot and bothered. That's what I used to tell you. It really works. I always wanted to have a podcast where I could walk at the same time. I feel like it would be better. I have my best ideas walking. But I agree. It's also really nice because even though we're both working from home and constantly in the same space there's it there's a difference of being around each other and then having that quality time and so we know okay we'll save this for the walk save this for the walk you know you might come in in the middle of the day and be like oh I have a question about something quickly but if it's bigger deeper things it's like save it for the walk tonight and it's also nice because we are around each other all day you don't go to work I don't go to work and then we miss each other for the day so it's a way that we can also kind of reconnect even though we've been loosely connected yeah and around each other it's a way that we have we have stuff to bring to the end of the day so that we can be connected without just like existing around each other yeah okay so I got our results what do you think they are I don't

SPEAKER_01:

know

SPEAKER_00:

probably not compatible you both seem highly compatible shocker congratulations your answers indicate that you and your partner have a strong level of compatibility from aligned values and effective communication and mutual support your relationship has a solid foundation Yay

SPEAKER_01:

us. Yay us. This feels a little boring.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, a whole episode later, it feels boring. No, I'm just saying. What if they're like, you guys are fun.

SPEAKER_01:

Newsflash. No, we knew we were compatible.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, we knew we were compatible, but I thought it would be interesting to see. To talk

SPEAKER_01:

about all the dynamics of the compatibility piece.

SPEAKER_00:

Because I was really thinking about it after we did the queer culture episode for Queer Ultimatum, where we're talking about compatibility, but I was like, what even makes up compatibility? Yeah. You know? Yeah. So why not ask the internet? Marriage.com. This is where the quiz comes from. They must have the answers.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. It's interesting. I don't know. I don't know how you think about how I was describing it earlier where it's like there's like chemistry and like kind of sexual chemistry or compatibility and there's like the shared interests and then shared values and then also like the building of a life together is like a really big one.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And I feel like for me it's that's kind of I feel like the further on the list that's really where it shows like the strength of the compatibility versus just like is this just you know

SPEAKER_00:

yeah fun and spicy and yeah all of that which is important though too as we said it was like that was one of the areas we didn't have a C you know so that is also important and we're not prioritizing it because we're too busy doing other things people are like stop walking three miles a night and then maybe you'll have energy to have sex you guys we're not no that's never gonna happen it's never gonna happen we're not we're definitely daytime sex people which also only makes it more challenging probably

SPEAKER_01:

yes because then it's like you only have time on the weekends and you have to have a job

SPEAKER_00:

whatever because otherwise we work during the week

SPEAKER_01:

and i have to like be in meetings it really limits the amount of times yeah that you know is possible

SPEAKER_00:

yeah we'll check back in on that we

SPEAKER_01:

need to fix that okay so we can expand our window

SPEAKER_00:

who's the problem for you this week

SPEAKER_01:

oh okay we were just talking about this the other day because this weekend we actually left the house and we went to our friend's art show which was really cool and but oh my goodness we were in downtown San Diego and it was impossible to park and finally like we're doing all these loops trying to find a parking spot we get we pull up to a parking space and and the first thing I do is like 100 can you read that sign? Like, can I park here? Like, what is this? And it's literally like an algorithm to understand if you can

SPEAKER_00:

actually park here. No, you asked me and I was like, please don't do this to me because I am going to read it wrong. And then we're going to get a ticket. We're going to get towed. It's like street sweeping the

SPEAKER_01:

second and fourth Tuesday of every month. But then between 9 and 6 p.m. on these days, you can't be here because it's a loading zone. And it's like, please just tell me if I can park here or not. Like, why is Exactly. Because they have to be so hard. So is it... me and you that are the problem because we can't understand these signs?

SPEAKER_00:

It's called word math. Word

SPEAKER_01:

math is the problem. Or is it the government for

SPEAKER_00:

trying to just take our money because we're too stupid to understand? I think they're definitely playing tricks on us. They do that. They have to do that on purpose. Nobody can actually understand those signs. But the worst thing about it, it's not just, it's like, if you're in a place that even needs those signs, that means there's limited parking. That means there's going to be someone waiting behind you and you're sitting there trying trying to decide can I park here right now I can't really understand and they're like honk you can feel the anxiety or they're honking behind you and it's like just building up yes and you're just like am I gonna get an$85 ticket like why is this happening or is my

SPEAKER_01:

car gonna get towed

SPEAKER_00:

I'm so stressed stressed just thinking about it genuinely so I would say you are not the problem thank you honey I appreciate that but you might be no for my version okay fine so we've talked a lot about compatibility but what we didn't touch on was commitment. And you're like, where is this going? Where is this going? I'm a committed person. Are you? Because your left ring finger says otherwise. Oh. So we got wedding ring tattoos. Just a simple band. They're little dots hand poked by our favorite tattoo artist. If you guys want to know who he is, let us know. We will give you his contact. He's amazing. He's in Peru, so you'll have to travel. We're so excited because we're going to Peru and I'm like, we have to see him. I've always wanted a wedding ring tattoo, especially because, you know, when we surf and stuff, we're taking our rings off all the time. And you go first and you get half of a circle. Half of a wedding ring just over the top. So it's like, okay, yes, at least you can see that part. That's not obviously the purpose. It's not that I'm like, oh, I want you to always have a ring on. Otherwise, who knows what you're doing? It's not about that. It's the symbol. Can I

SPEAKER_01:

just say that this is Malku's fault because he was like- Malku is the tattoo artist. He was like, I explained to him, I want the dots tattooed around my ring finger. And he was like, okay, great. We'll just do the top half because the bottom half is really painful and it fades so don't don't do the bottom half so I'll just like do this like half circle on you and I was like okay cool that sounds good knowing that like two days later he was gonna be doing the same tattoo on you I thought he would do the same thing

SPEAKER_00:

he told me the same thing and what I said is do it anyways do it anyways Malku it's worth the pain to show the commitment to my wife you were just like cool easy for me no worries also I will concur it is very painful okay I probably have 25 tattoos all over my body that is the most painful place and it was just a simple poke so it is painful but it doesn't fade it has now been how many years four years since we've had it and it hasn't faded at all so I just want to know who the problem is I think Malku is the problem no he's not on the list he's a sweet angel

SPEAKER_01:

too

SPEAKER_00:

he's an angel is it you for your broken promise

SPEAKER_01:

I don't have a broken

SPEAKER_00:

promise. Or is it me for my expectations?

SPEAKER_01:

It's probably me. But I think it's Malku. Because I didn't even know that was an option to only get half a ring and he convinced me. It's

SPEAKER_00:

your body. You get to decide. What do you mean? I trusted him. You get to decide. All right. Well, you guys have to let us know in the comments on Spotify or in the polls on socials. And let me know if you think I should complete the

SPEAKER_01:

tattoo

SPEAKER_00:

or if it's completed at Okay, that's actually a good call. I'm going to put that poll up because I need some people on my side. You're going to need to compete it. And also, please share with your friends, your family, your loved ones. Oh, yes. We love seeing the reviews. We love seeing the reviews. But also, if you like any of the shows, the thing that helps us the most is you sharing it with your friends and family. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, guys. And we will see you next week.