Wives Not Sisters

I'm WLW, But I'd Never Date A Woman

• Kayla Nielsen and Alix Tucker • Season 1 • Episode 24

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In this episode, Alix & Kayla unpack one of the most controversial queer takes on the internet: being attracted to women, sleeping with women, but not wanting to date or marry them. Is it preference, internalized homophobia, avoidance, or just honest self-awareness?

Through listener submissions, they dive into WLW stereotypes, deal breakers, attachment styles, emotional intensity, codependency, and why queer relationships can feel so confronting. This episode is funny, nuanced, validating, and guaranteed to spark debate.

00:00 – Intro: married, not related, very codependent
02:00 – Listener love, sister wives & queer community updates
06:00 – Deal breakers: kids, lying, cheating & location
10:00 – Hygiene, finances & political differences
16:05 – Topic intro: “I’m into women but wouldn’t date one”
17:10 – WLW stereotypes: neediness, codependency & you-hauling
21:00 – Hookups vs dating & honesty vs leading people on
25:20 – Intimacy, fear & emotional closeness with women
29:50 – “Women are what I desire, men are what I tolerate”
35:30 – Right person vs wrong person
39:00 – Independence, merging lives & feeling suffocated
44:00 – Avoidant attachment & relationship panic
49:30 – Who’s the Problem: toothbrush edition 
56:30 – Final thoughts & listener call-to-action

#WLWPodcast #QueerPodcast #LesbianPodcast #BiVisibility #WLWRelationships #QueerDating #AttachmentTheory #QueerDiscourse #WivesNotSisters #LGBTQPodcast

Connect with us on social media: IG: @wivesnotsisterspod | TikTok: @wivesnotsisterspod | Youtube: @wivesnotsisterspod

Follow our hosts on Instagram: @kaylalanielsen @alix_tucker

You can also watch our episodes on Youtube at youtube.com/@wivesnotsisterspod!

Speaker:

Hey guys, it's Alix and Kayla. And we're married. Definitely not related. Oh my god.

Speaker 1:

And codependent. One day, one day. I don't know how I got this job. Well, because is it a job? Like, first of all, I don't know. I've said, do you want to change the intro? No. And you're like, no. Like, do you want me to do it? And you're like, no. But you, it's literally three lines. We're married. Not related. Definitely codependent, but in a cute way.

Speaker:

We, you know, we get there in the end.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So welcome. Welcome to the shit show. That is our lives. We're back. We're back. Excited to be here. It's been quite the week, but you know that we don't talk about that because we don't want to bore you with it.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

But what I will say.

Speaker:

The kids might be interested.

Speaker 1:

Why do you call them kids?

Speaker:

They're sister wives. The sister wives might be interested.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, we obviously sprinkle it in, but I mean, okay, well, this is my synopsis of our week. You're not gonna like it.

Speaker:

Oh no.

Speaker 1:

We've had a difficult week with with people, just like humans.

Speaker:

I guess so. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You know? Where it's been like, why? Why? Like, why can't you just I don't know not do that?

Speaker:

And because people are people, and we all do crazy stuff sometimes.

Speaker 1:

And I'm in my luteal phase, so I'm extra pissed. You know, like it's the perfect storm. She's a grumpy cat. That's what we're dealing with. So I'm like, do they really, you know, that's kind of like they don't need to know. But what I do want to tell them in the land of sister wifeness, yeah, is you know, I always like to say thank you when we start to everybody who supports this show. And if you want to support the show but you don't know how, the easiest way that will truly take you about probably 10 to 15 seconds is subscribing to the show.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

On YouTube.

Speaker:

On YouTube or Spotify, wherever you're listening.

Speaker 1:

But YouTube, I've I said this a few weeks ago where I was like, oh, I just kind of said it in passing, where I was like, oh, YouTube has been so rough. Like, we we see that you guys are listening and watching, but the subscribers like have been rough compared to other social platforms. And when I said that, so many of you subscribed that week, and it was so cute and so nice. So we just wanted to say thank you for that.

Speaker:

Yes, that was awesome.

Speaker 1:

And I also got a few messages. You know, so a few weeks ago, or like a month ago, we talked about the girl who we met here in Nicaragua. So, for anyone who doesn't know, we split our time between Nicaragua and California, and we own a place here in Nicaragua, and we our first sister wife listener in the wild who we met ever met ever, who recognize us in the wild, was here in Nicaragua. And we live in like a tiny fishing town. This is not mainstream San Juan, Nicaragua.

Speaker:

Met her in the lineup, and it was awesome.

Speaker 1:

It was awesome. And then this week I had messages from people being like, or last week, when I they're like, we saw you at the airport. And no way.

Speaker:

Yeah. Because we were flying back from Florida into Nicaragua.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. And I was like, why didn't you come say hi? I say this every time, like, come say hi to us. We want to meet you, of course. That'll make us so excited. So I thought that that was cool. But we love getting messages from you guys regardless.

Speaker:

Yeah. And some people said, Oh, we want to come see your place, or like, we want to come stay at your place, join our surf retreat or whatever.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker:

So yeah, we don't really ever like say what it's called, but it's called still salty. Yeah. Nicaragua. If you're if you want to check it out.

Speaker 1:

Well, yeah. So what I was thinking is we'll just always leave the link to our place in Nicaragua in our show notes now. Because if you follow that link, you can see all of our retreats, or you can book as a hotel guest. And it's just nice. Like, we obviously have probably primarily queer listeners. And I know it can feel a little scary traveling as a queer person sometimes. And it's like now you know you're just gonna be welcomed by some big gay open arms. Yeah. So what's better than that?

Speaker:

Pretty much every retreat that comes here, there's at least one person who's queer, sometimes like three to five, which is awesome. And then the whole retreat. They get so stoked when they like, yeah, when they see that we're here and they're like, wait, like two like queer chicks own this place? This is awesome.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. So, so yeah, we'll start leaving that link in the show notes just to make it super easy for you guys. But more importantly, what I wanted to say is just whenever you send us messages of any kind, it's like you guys are seriously helping us curate the show because we get so many hilarious stories, yeah, or just like controversial takes, you know, or like really sweet, kind messages too. And I'm like, okay, wait, this needs to be an episode.

Speaker:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

And I love that. I love that the safe space for debate. Yeah. And it's just like a I love that it it feels like we're all doing it together. You know what I mean? Instead of just us coming and being like, okay, this is what we're doing today. It's like, no, you guys are huge contributors to that. So if you want to be a contributor, obviously send us a message. I will always ask. If I know that we want to read it on air, I'll always ask. So I also don't want you to feel like if you send a DM, I'm we're just gonna blast you. So you and you can say no if you don't want it to be. But um, but yeah, if you want to kind of like get involved, then follow us on socials because we do a lot of polls and like just get so much feedback from you guys. And literally this whole episode is because of you guys. So it's my turn to lead, and I'm doing this based on your submissions. We were talking about deal breakers a few weeks ago on the Instagram. Hot topic. And like, what are your deal breakers in a relationship? And I asked you guys to share, and we had so many submissions, I was like, this should be a little game in the beginning. So I'm gonna read you what their submissions are, and you decide yes or no. Would it be a deal breaker for you?

Speaker:

Okay. Okay. I like it.

Speaker 1:

Okay. Um, they have children under 18 years old. This person doesn't want kids.

Speaker:

And by the way, but it is a deal breaker for me, this is for you.

Speaker 1:

And imagine the only way this is possible for you is if I'm no longer alive. So just keep that in mind. This wouldn't be like your previous dating self, this would be your future self without me in the picture. And obviously that means that I'm not alive, but otherwise you are stuck with me. Forever. Forever.

Speaker:

Uh, if they have kids, it's not a deal breaker for me.

Speaker 1:

Of any age. Like, because they say they specify under 18. Yeah. Okay.

Speaker:

Not a deal breaker for me. Maybe like 10 years ago that would have been a deal breaker for me, but now not a deal breaker.

Speaker 1:

Right. Well, and hopefully in the future you have kids. You know what I mean? Your future single self, if that was happening. What about lying? It depends. Yeah. It depends on what they're lying about.

Speaker:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

Like the magnitude of the lie.

Speaker:

How severe it is, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Being poly or open.

Speaker:

Is a deal breaker for me now.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Um, this one is funny. Lying, cheating, texting an ex without informing, because why would they hide it with a bunch of like the peeping eye emoji, the hmm emoji, and all these question marks?

Speaker:

I would say most likely a deal breaker for me. There may be a circumstance in which cheating is not a deal breaker, but like probably like 90% chance it's a deal breaker.

Speaker 1:

And what about if they were just texting the ex without telling? Does it depend on the nature of the text?

Speaker:

It that's not necessarily a deal breaker, it would depend on the situation. Okay. I think it's that could be repairable.

Speaker 1:

Right. Yeah, because like this person is saying, like, it's more, it feels like it's more because they're hiding it, which I can understand, where it's like, even if it's even if the nature of the text was totally platonic and appropriate, but it's like, why are you hiding it though? That's the part that feels like the betrayal.

Speaker:

Definitely.

Speaker 1:

Okay. Um okay, by the way, lying is the most common submission here. Lying and cheating. It's like lying, cheating, lying, cheating. And there's all these exclamation points. It's so funny. Yeah. So, I mean, that one comes up a lot. Okay. Oh, this is a good one. What country that you want to live in long term?

Speaker:

Yeah, I think that could definitely be a deal breaker.

Speaker 1:

Or even state, you know, if someone is not interested in living in a dependent.

Speaker:

Definitely a deal breaker. We were talking about this. Like, if somebody I was with like didn't want to spend part of the year in Nicaragua.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, they're like, sorry, I just can't do that anymore. I just don't really like it there. It's just like I don't like the jungle life.

Speaker:

I want like a bougie.

Speaker 1:

And I'm just like always kind of dirty there. And there's like mosquitoes and like these dogs everywhere.

Speaker:

It's like literally the whole point.

Speaker 1:

You're like, that's that's the best part. Are we what's happening?

Speaker:

Definitely. I think where you live can definitely be a deal breaker.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. It and it sounds we have I've had friends who do compromise on this because they didn't really realize it before they got married. And it's not about country. For them, it was more about state or even like region within the same state. Vladimir. Our dog Vladimir is making weird sounds. By the way, all three dogs are in here, so it's either gonna get stinky or they're gonna who knows what could happen is what could happen. But um, and I was talking about this to you when I was like, yeah, they compromise because they've been together for decades now at this point. So the first 10 years they lived in one area and now they're living in the area that the other person wants to live in. But I'm like, that's a big compromise to just hate where you live for 10 years at a time. Like that's that's rough. Um okay. What about being rude to wait staff?

Speaker:

I think like if you're yeah, like for me, it's definitely a deal breaker. Like I definitely chose to not date people because of how they treated other people in general, yeah.

Speaker 1:

That's what I I think so too, where it's like it's more a symptom of a greater issue. Yes, you know, and it's not if they're doing it to wait staff, that's they're doing it to everyone, and they're probably gonna do it to you eventually. So yeah. Um these ones kind of go together where it's like not having empathy slash being a narcissist. I mean, I think that's kind of a given. But what do you think, honey? Pretty straightforward.

Speaker:

I'm gonna go with the deal breaker.

Speaker 1:

You're like, no, that's kind of my type. Um, let's see, parenting style. Hmm. TBD guys.

Speaker:

Could be a deal breaker, definitely. Like if you let's say you thought, you know, you like your relationship with your person is like totally fine, then you have kids, and then all of a sudden they're like the way they discipline their kids or something, or they're like super controlling or very like strict in certain ways. I think it could be definitely a deal breaker, like how you treat the kids if it's very drastically different and you're not comfortable with that, definitely.

Speaker 1:

I think it is normal. It you're never gonna be exactly the same, you know? And that's what so many people with kids say is that's why, on top of getting little sleep and you know, all of the other stuff that comes with that first transition of being kids, it's like you're seeing this other side of your partner. And like I said, TBD guys, we're hoping that we have a child one day for the love of God. Um, but yeah, I think, and we've talked about it so much of like, what about this? What about this? But it's one thing to talk about it hypothetically, and another thing when you're acting in the moment. Yeah. You know, definitely. Okay. Um, what about their sexual orientation? This person just said gay, so I'm assuming like they a deal, if it's a deal breaker for them to be with a gay person, they are either straight and trolling us, or maybe they're bi and want another bi person, or you know, I don't know. But just so I'll just say sexual orientation.

Speaker:

I used to think that was gonna be a deal breaker for me, but it's not because I married a bi girl.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. What about hygiene, honey?

Speaker:

Definitely a deal breaker.

Speaker 1:

Like if they don't wash their towel for five weeks, not that, but like we're both two shower a day people. Okay, yeah, we're going there.

Speaker:

And if I I don't think I could date a one shower a day person. Oh, okay. You're weeding out a lot of the world. And if somebody doesn't shower in a day, like that's definitely a deal breaker for me. Like, I know some people go like two, three days without showering.

Speaker 1:

No, you don't. And that is absolutely You're gonna have to tell me who those people are off the air because I don't believe that you're old people who are just I think it was Kevin Durant, you know, the NBA player.

Speaker:

He just came out and he said he doesn't shower for like three to five days at a time. He's like 6'6, like huge guy, plays in the NBA and doesn't shower for three to five days at a time. That's that's disgusting.

Speaker 1:

That's a lot for me to take in right now.

Speaker:

I I like I We're like two to three shower a day people.

Speaker 1:

Not three.

Speaker:

Sometimes we'll like, yeah, just like a quick rinse off.

Speaker 1:

If we're here and we're in the humidity and we but it's just splashing some fresh water, like it's not like a shower, just rinsing sweat off. Right. But you know, I've never understood the sex scenes in movies and TV shows post-gym where they're like, oh, we're all sweaty and it's like this hot, and I'm like, or like they come back from a run or something. That's actually feels like a punishment for me. I'm like, please. I mean, I don't have to worry about that with you, but I I don't get that.

Speaker:

So yes, if I even have am slightly dewy from a workout or something, I come up to give you a kiss, you're like, you don't touch me.

Speaker 1:

No, I say that oh, someone's farting already. You guys, come on, why do they hate us?

unknown:

Okay.

Speaker 1:

Oh, okay. Two more. What about financial betrayal or just that one could definitely be a deal breaker?

Speaker:

Oh god, it stinks. Yes, that one could definitely like maybe like racked up the credit card, or you spent money that we didn't agree that we could spend, or what if it's just that they lied about their financial standing going into it?

Speaker 1:

What if they were a billionaire and you didn't know and then you found out like that kind of you know what I mean? That's not a deal breaker. So it's more if if they spend money without it being decided on. Yeah. Less about the lying about the money. Like what if they were like, yeah, I have I kind of have student loans, but and you thought, okay, in your mind, kind of it's like 20 grand, but for them it's really 200.

Speaker:

That well, I wouldn't ever let that happen because I would be specific. I would want to know.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker:

Um, and I I don't think I would like sign up for a marriage without like really knowing. I mean, they could obviously lie about it, but if I was like, okay, how much debt are we talking? Like, is this 20,000? Is this 200,000? Like, and they then they lied to me, but yeah, that's that's that's really betrayal.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and then what about their uh politics? This person says identifying as a Republican, but I'm just gonna same as the sexual orientation one. It's just like in general, if they have different political beliefs than you, or specifically, I'd say probably vote differently than you because vote differently, no.

Speaker:

But I think like it depends how big the gap is on the political differences. Like, I agree, because it's like we have lots of political differences, and it doesn't matter. But if we were on such an extreme of spectrum, like I think then it would definitely be an issue.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, so I also I did this already, but I'll put some polls up on Instagram and see what you guys think about some of those because I think that will be interesting too. But I'm gonna have you read the stories today because you're a better reader. I kind of stutter. I don't know. You just do it better.

Speaker:

Usually I stutter in real life, so that's funny.

Speaker 1:

But this is fake life? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker:

Okay, so this is our first submission.

Speaker 1:

Wait, we haven't even really told them. I mean, obviously, you guys can all read, and we love that about you. Gosh, this freaking ghast. Oh, sorry. Oh my gosh. But we are talking today. The reason that we're doing this one, this first submission you're about to read is the first one that we got. And they were like, you know, we love that you guys talk about kind of anything, and anything is open, and that's so true. I like when people disagree with us. Go back and listen to our turf talk, listen to our lesbians versus by girls. Like, we like that. Straits and gay spaces. Right. There's there's lots of differences in opinions, and that's great. I think it's good to have those conversations. And so people started sharing their kind of hot takes or controversial ideas, opinions, but it specifically was around being into girls in some way, whatever that orientation is, but not wanting to date or marry, like not wanting to be with a woman.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And then a lot of you started sending in submissions like that. So I thought we got to get into this.

Speaker:

Yeah. I think it's really interesting. So down to hook up with a girl, but not down to date or marry a girl. Yeah. So we'll find out why. Okay. Okay, so the first submission says, Okay, so I love that y'all post about such controversial shit, and that's what you talk about on your podcast. Well, I have a hot take that I think will cause quite the engagement among some of the community you've built. I'm attracted to women. I've slept with women one-on-one and in threesomes on multiple occasions.

Speaker 1:

Get a girl.

Speaker:

I always have to be upfront and honest with them because I do not date women. I've tried in the past, but the constant neediness and engagement and codependency, in parentheses, you-hauling behaviors, drive me absolutely bonkers.

Speaker 1:

I mean, obviously, you would not want to date either of us then, because we're big-time you-haulers over here.

Speaker:

I'm always honest about this from the start, but often the chick still ends up getting upset when I genuinely refuse to date them. So who's the problem? You're welcome to allow this little tale inspire some of your content. Personally, I find it very funny to read the responses, not to mention, I'm genuinely curious to hear what people think. I love that. That's funny.

Speaker 1:

It is really funny. And and in the responses, I feel like our actual community does leave constructive responses. Definitely. It's only when outside people, you know, when it starts showing up and going more viral and outside people start chiming in that it gets kind of trolly or mean, but we know that you guys are you know what to do the best. Okay, so what do you think, honey? What do you think about just all of it?

Speaker:

First of all, I've I like that she's clear about what she wants. I like that too. You know, like she's like, she knows this is what I'm down for, this is what I'm not down for, and like, you know, she's upfront about it. So, you know, then that's up to the person of like, do you want to hook up with this person or not?

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker:

And my thing is like, yeah, if you know that you don't want certain behaviors in a in a partner, first of all, I don't think that all potential people that you could date who would be women would exhibit those behaviors.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker:

I think that's the biggest thing. Is like um, but but if somebody is that way, like, and you don't want to date them, I think that's totally fine. You're not the problem.

Speaker 1:

And that way, meaning needy or codependent. Yeah. Yeah. So I agree. I think, first of all, like you said, I like that she knows what she wants. I like that you communicate that with them, I think before you sleep with them as well. And I would just like to point out, because when we we talked about this a little bit in the lesbians versus bi girls, and there was this clip of you. And it's funny because it was just a clip. And if anybody, again, actually knew our story and us and knew that you're married to a bi person, but some a lot of people who just saw the clip and didn't know anything, they were upset by it of you. Being like, yeah, you're allowed to you're allowed to sleep with a girl and not want to date them if you don't want to. And people were like, no, like that's mean and that's using and all that kind of stuff. I would just like to point out that in straight relationships, there's lots of dudes. They're just kind of almost casually called a fuckboy, you know? And it's not like a bad thing to be called, it's not a good thing to be called, but they're just allowed to be that way. Where you're just allowed to, it's if a guy says, Yeah, I'm just hooking up with girls right now, I don't want to date anyone. Or maybe ever. There's so many. If you watch Southern Charm, for example, you'll see every man on there never actually grows up. Yeah. So it's like, why is that okay? And people will just be like, oh, that's just so and so. And he's just allowed to be that way. Why can't a girl be that way? Towards the most, you know, I think the the bigger thing is if you're not communicating that and you're breadcrumbing them, you're leading them on, that's different. But if you tell them up front and they're like, okay, I'm still down to hook up with you, then that is now their, I think, their responsibility because they chose with consent.

Speaker:

Exactly. I mean, we talked about this in the turf talk, but it's like, yeah, you can hook up with whoever you want and choose who not to date with by any preferences that you have. And it's like, and maybe that'll change. Maybe you'll hook up with a girl and she's super low drama and super way more chill than you are, and then you're gonna fall head over heels. So never rule it out. My biggest thing is like you might be cock blocking yourself a little bit from actually meeting your person, but like you don't want to date women, that's totally fine.

Speaker 1:

And I think that goes with deal breakers in general, where it's like they can kind of cock block you. You know, like I used the we were talking about this yesterday before we actually, you know, recorded. And I had said to you, I was like, Yeah, I thought before I met you, I thought a deal breaker for me was I I just never thought it would be with someone who worked in corporate America. I was living such a different life. And it wasn't actually about the corporate America part of it. It was more of anyone I had met who was living in that way had different values than me as far as they weren't interested in living out of the country part-time. They weren't interested in in this jungle life that you're talking about before. So I assumed the problem was the corporate America. And so I said, okay, if that, if someone is that way, that's a no for me. But that wasn't the root of the problem. It was more like, no, what I real the real deal breaker is somebody who doesn't have that shared value of lifestyle.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You know, because you are corporate America, but we have that shared value. And if I had the same way that for you, you know, a deal breaker for you used to be long distance, a by girl, a baby gay, all things that I was, but that was more just because that was this fear. It was like to you, it represented almost this like instability in the relationship, or like someone you might not be able to fully trust, or a lack of intimacy in the relationship, being so far away with distance, you know? And if either of us had listened, and if we're like, nope, sorry, this is our deal breaker. If you had listened to that, then you're you would have gotten in the way of yourself. So I think it's like the bigger, I think calling all being like all girls are needy and codependent is just inaccurate. For sure, you know?

Speaker:

Of course it is-first of all, that is very a very real stereotype though.

Speaker 1:

For sure. And stereotypes happen because that is it does it for a reason, you know. It's like there is a lot of people in that population who have those behaviors. Yeah. But it's not an all-encompassing truth.

Speaker:

Yeah. Side note, whenever you say like I'm corporate America, I think of myself as Captain America.

Speaker 2:

Okay.

Speaker:

I'm like the superhero. But the I think what would be pretty ironic in this situation would be I could see like in a year or two years from now, you like start hooking up with some girl and she's like, cool, cat, and you just are gonna get absolutely heartbroken, or you're gonna marry this person. Because I just think like whenever you have that that wall or whatever it is, like I had all the walls, the universe is gonna send you some chick that's just gonna come in and fuck up your walls, and then you're gonna have to face it. So I don't think you're the problem, but I do think you're gonna get sent some hot girl who's just gonna come in and fuck up your world.

Speaker 1:

And I also want to clarify that it's like, yes, it's good that you communicate this before hooking up with them. But then if you do know, and maybe you do this, it's not clear from the submission, but if you do notice that they kind of start getting needy or codependent or all of these things, then I would like to stop hooking up with them. You know what I mean? Because otherwise you are, even if your words are saying one thing, your actions are doing another, and that is misleading. So instead of being like, no, I told you, I just want to be friends, but like, what are you doing tonight? You know, like that is not cool, I think. But otherwise, you're never the problem for having preferences as long as you're being kind about it.

Speaker:

Yeah, I love it. Okay, let's do the next one. Hi, wives. Hi. I'm definitely attracted to women, always have been. But every time I imagine actually building a life with one, I panic. I love flirting, crushes, even short situationships, but I don't want the merging, the intensity, or the emotional entanglement that seems to come with WLW relationships. I don't know if it's internalized stuff or just how I'm wired, but I feel more peaceful imagining my life alone or with a man, even though women are who I'm drawn to.

Speaker 1:

I I don't know. Just my initial reaction kind of feels like it's less about women and more about it. Sounds almost maybe like a resistance to intimacy or something, because you're like, oh, it's just so intense, it's so it's you know what I mean? Because it's like I a man can also be intense and be codependent, or she wasn't saying codependent and needy, but it kind of has those same stereotypes that the first person said. Yeah, very similar, and it feels maybe more like almost like a fear of that. That was kind of my interpretation of it. What do you think?

Speaker:

I don't really know what's causing this, but I think it it could be like multiple things, it could be like one, but you haven't really met the right person, right? Because like I used to think that I had a fear of intimacy, and I think I did, but what I realized though is that like when you're with the right person and it's a safe space, yeah, like there's track, there's tract real trust that you can like move through that. But I used to also like panic once I started to like get into something with someone that was more than just like a hookup and just be like I could feel myself like freezing inside, and so but for me, what I realized like later was that it was more about the person, and it wasn't like I couldn't like fully open myself up to them, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, that makes sense, which because it's like your body, I don't know, I feel what you know, call it intuition or whatever you want to call it, but those feelings of like the yes and the no's that you get in your gut or wherever you feel it, I feel it very physically. And I feel like our body knows things a lot of the times before our brain and conscious knows them.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And it's like your body could be telling you, like, yeah, that's a no. And so I'm not saying override those no's by trying to figure out your intimacy issues. You know, that's not what I'm saying to this person. It's more of just like, I think, yes, listen to those cues and also maybe like just question them a little bit, even if your actions don't change, but just be like, is do I actually not feel safe with this person? Or am I resisting because I'm afraid of being hurt? Like, try to get underneath that initial feeling to understand where it's coming from.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

You know?

Speaker:

I can definitely like relate to this, but not necessarily that I like didn't want to be in relationships with women, but like I felt like a serious, yeah, that's what I feel like. More like being in a serious relationship. Yeah. And I thought like it wasn't like capable. And so there was a part of me that was like, my life would be so much easier. Just like if I just choose to be alone, yeah, more peaceful, whatever. And it was like, yeah, it was more about like being with the right person for me.

Speaker 1:

Well, and by the way, it's like there's pros and cons to everything. So, of course, there's in some ways being single can be easier, you're not coordinating your whole life around another person. And in other ways, it can feel harder. You can feel lonely, you could want, you know, help carrying the groceries or, you know, whatever it is. So it's like both have pros and cons to them, absolutely. But I think it's almost less of a gender thing about a man or a woman. And it's more of again the stereotype of women being more and particularly lesbian or like lesbian relationships, where it's like, oh, it's like so a mesh so fast. Whereas for the most part, not all men, but again, generally speaking, a lot of men are more simple. And that that intensity typically doesn't happen unless there's maybe, yeah, like a narcissist thing going, you know, but just like a regular relationship, that intensity won't happen.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Um, but I don't think it's really about gender, honestly, or about a gay relationship, straight relationship. It's more just about like a serious relationship.

Speaker:

Yeah, that's what it seems like.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker:

I was looking at these. A lot of these are similar. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Because I wanted people to submit ones that were about this topic.

Speaker:

Yeah. Okay. Hey, Kaitlin, Alex. I've identified as queer for years, but in practice, I always end up with men. Every time I try dating women, it feels too emotionally close, too fast. I start to feel like I'm being psychologically seen in a way I'm not ready for. With men, I feel safer, more anonymous. I sometimes wonder if women are what I desire and men are what I can actually tolerate long term.

Speaker 1:

I'm sorry. I love that. I just love all of that. I'm not laughing at you.

Speaker:

Yeah, that's funny.

Speaker 1:

Feel the same way.

Speaker:

A lot of people are like, yeah, you feel the same way.

Speaker 1:

About, yeah, that like I feel the same way in the sense of like I can tolerate men, but like women are what I desire. Yeah.

Speaker:

But they're like not the first part. She could be with a man long term.

Speaker 1:

No, not the first part. It was just the tolerating men. That was the part that I laughed at, where I'm like, yes, that's how I feel. Where we were talking about this yesterday when we were talking about deal breakers, and you're like, what's a deal breaker for you? And what was my first one?

Speaker:

Being like dating a guy.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, dudes. And you're like, what? How is that possible? And I was like, what do you mean? And you were like, I don't, you're you like did not believe me. And I was like, no. And this is again, would be this hypothetical future if you like disappeared. You wouldn't, you know, and I was like, I just I could sleep with a guy again and maybe, maybe casually date him in that like hooking up process because to me they are more of a like means to an end sexually. Whereas like I don't want to ever be in a really I don't feel like I would ever be fulfilled emotionally in a relationship with a man. Yeah. And so that's that feeling of like I can tolerate them for this one thing, but not.

Speaker:

I know, but I don't think she's using tolerant in the same way that you're using tolerant. Okay. You're using it as like I tolerate them.

Speaker 1:

Like, yeah, you're welcome.

Speaker:

Like if you have to exist, I will tolerate you. Yeah. She's saying, like, I will that's like what I can live with long term as a guy, not a girl.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Yeah, that's definitely not the same. That's definitely not the same. And so Can I also just say in relation to what I just said, that like what I just said is is what a lot of people are saying in the inverse, which is like, I I would hook up with a girl, but I can't date her.

Speaker:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

And somehow that is perceived as offensive. I know. But I could say that about a dude and people be like, yeah, go off. Fuck that guy. You know what I mean? 100%. I'm like, what is that? Why is it because it's not, and I'm not just saying queer people are like lesbians who are, you know, being like, yes, date girl. It's not, I'm saying people across the board that would be acceptable to say about because it's more, I yeah, I think more people in general are are open to criticizing men more than women. Is it because that men it's like they have more power? You know, you know, so it's like it's almost like it's like, yeah, they're like, whereas like a woman is like seen as like an underdog, so it's like that's mean.

Speaker:

Apparently, yes.

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker:

But it's interesting though, because it's like you're the exact opposite of these people, right? Where you could hook up with a guy, but you don't, you would all you really prefer to date women at this point. And it's because like what you've said to me is like you've never been able to like have that deep emotional connection with a guy in the same way that you can with a with a woman.

Speaker 1:

And it's like, I don't even know if it's deep emotional connection in the way that they're talking about where they're like, oh, it's just so intense. It's I always, and I've told you this before too, I always felt like something was missing in other relationships. And I'm like, maybe it is because they were with men, or maybe it was just because they weren't the right person. I'll never know. They obviously weren't the right person.

Speaker 2:

Obviously.

Speaker 1:

I don't I don't necessarily think that everyone only has one soulmate.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So I'm like, yeah, I what could I feel that for a guy? I'm not completely ruling it out. If I felt that, if I felt what I felt with you, with a guy, I wouldn't be like, no, you're a guy, so I can't. The same reason that when I felt that for you, and I never knew I was gonna marry a woman, I did not think that was my future. I was like, well, I can't ignore this feeling.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

So I don't care about the body that you're in. But if I were to imagine a future being married to a man, that would be very hard for me at this point to wrap my head around.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

But it also used to be very hard for me to imagine my future being married to a woman. So I'm kind of it's like I'm open, there's an openness there, but I feel like that thing that was missing was gendered partly. Yeah, but I just didn't know.

Speaker:

Yeah. I think it's interesting because it's, you know, as someone who like really only dated women. Um and obviously all of these stereotypes exist for a reason, like getting too emotionally close too fast or whatever, you hauling all these things are stereotypes for a reason. It never bothered me in the sense of like that make me not want to date women. It was just like that's just like a part of it, a part of it. Like that's just gonna happen. And if it's the wrong person and that emote this person's trying to emotionally connect with me in this intense way early on, coming on too strong. You're coming on too strong, it's just like cool, I just cut it off and move on.

Speaker 1:

Not for me, right?

Speaker:

And so it's more about the person. But if it's like, but if it's someone I'm really clicking with and they're like, you know, we're like connecting emotionally and we start to go dee like deeper faster, like I then it's like you're kind of down because you're like, well, I'm really into this person, I'm attracted to them, whatever. So I usually feel like it's more of a is this the right person compatibility thing versus like, is this a gendered thing?

Speaker 1:

Right.

Speaker:

But I don't know, but I only ever dated women.

Speaker 1:

That's what I was gonna say, because you're a lesbian, though. And all of these people are obviously bi, pan, whatever they identify as. And so you didn't really, I mean, I guess you had the option of being like, oh, this is hard with girls. Maybe I should try guys again. You could have done that, but that just wasn't ever gonna happen because you didn't want that from a man. Whereas I I could see if you are bi and you feel pretty almost like equally about both, that you're like, yeah, I could go either, like truly either way. If you've been trying one for a while and you're like, oh, they're all driving me nuts. I'm gonna try the other now because it's just like a fresh start.

Speaker:

I don't know. That would never would happen.

Speaker 1:

But it's a I think a lot of the times, like you said, it's not necessarily a gendered issue. Yes, some of the stereotypes within those genders are real and you will see them a lot, but I don't know. I think I think for me it was like I said, it just always felt like something was missing. And I think it was I because it's not some some people who when they're closeted, they're in a straight relationship, they describe it like, oh, I was always fantasizing about women, you know, and so I kind of had an idea that maybe I was that wasn't the case for me, you know. It wasn't that I was like, oh, maybe if I close my eyes and imagine he's a woman, then I'll like it. You know, it wasn't like that. It just, it just felt like something was missing, you know, and and I had hooked up with women and, you know, like, yeah, sometimes obviously like any fantasy can involve, you know, whatever. But it wasn't like, oh, I have to do that to like endure this straight relationship. So that's why for me it didn't feel gendered, but I think it was also just like because I hadn't fully explored my own gayness, is really what it was. So I I didn't, I that wasn't even in my awareness that like maybe that's why it feels like it's missing. Because I just didn't, I was like, obviously, I'm not gay. You know, I I just because I was like, I would know by now, you know, I'm 30, like I would know. And I have hooked up with women. I've I've had I've liked women, I've had crushes, like casually dated. And I thought, like, kind of like these people. I thought, yes, they are amazing and wonderful, but that's just not, it's just not me. Yeah. And so I never really explored it.

Speaker:

And then what happened? You ruined me. But I'm saying, be careful with these submissions because you might just get some chick who's gonna come in and fuck up your whole life in a good way.

Speaker 1:

Like we said on a past episode, lesbians are lurking in every shadow. They're in your running clubs, waiting to jump out and just like beach volleyball team, right in the surf lineup. Exactly. They're gonna come up from under the like they're just they're everywhere. That sounds amazing. Remember today on the beach, this running club ran by a local running club.

Speaker:

A soccer team.

Speaker 1:

Oh, okay, yeah. And I was like, there's definitely lesbians in there, like for because they got so excited. They were like, Good morning. They're like, Yeah. And I was like, they are gay. I love it.

Speaker:

They are gay as but yeah, amazing.

Speaker 1:

So, did we answer? I think so. Okay, yeah.

Speaker:

Okay, hi wives. Hi, I love women, I'm attracted to women, me too. But I watched too many WLW relationships in my life turn into intense, all-consuming emotional ecosystems. I like my independence too much. I don't want to be someone's whole world and I don't want them to be mine. I want romance and small contained doses. Every time I picture marriage to a woman, it feels crowded.

Speaker 1:

Who does this sound like?

Speaker:

Don't know.

Speaker 1:

I feel like it sounds like me before. Don't you?

Speaker:

Yeah, yeah. You used to kind of talk that way.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, where it's just like, oh, like I feel too much.

Speaker:

I'm feeling suffocated. I need to like be in a long distance relationship so that I can like have three months to myself.

Speaker 1:

And again, didn't feel gendered. It wasn't like I was like, oh, because women, you know, but it was just more the intensity of it. Yeah. So I can relate.

Speaker:

It's so funny because your previous relationships, as you describe them, they didn't sound intense, but like they sounded like actually like very chill. You'd be like, this is just like too much for me. And it's more just like, do you just really not like this person? Because it's just like Well, again, in the

Speaker 1:

Shoes.

Speaker:

But it's like if if it's not the right person, like I've felt like that with people I've dated before, you're just like, oh, like I need my space.

Speaker 1:

Like you're just No, any person, gay or straight, can relate to this. If you're starting to date someone, gone on even just one date, two dates with them, and they send you a text that's you know, like a sweet text after the date. Yeah. If you like the person, you're like, oh my god, they sent me this text and you're freaking out. Yeah, and you're like so into if you're not into the person, you're like, ew, what a fucking weirdo. Like, why is wrong with that? Why would they do that? Like why are they so intense?

Speaker:

And it's that's how you describe your previous relationship with guys. And I'm like, whoa.

Speaker 1:

You're like, it just sounded like a relationship.

Speaker:

Yeah, I'm like, this guy sounded actually like really chill. And you're like, oh, this is so annoying.

Speaker 1:

It was just a lot, okay? It was a lot for me to take in. But but yeah, I think again, it's it's down to the right person, wrong person.

Speaker:

I think so too.

Speaker 1:

Wait, what can you read theirs again? Maybe not the whole thing, but just a refresher.

Speaker:

Like basically, just like I've seen too many of these turn into intense, all-consuming relationships, like my independence. I want, I don't want to be someone's whole world. I don't want them to be mine.

Speaker 1:

And like that's what I was gonna say. I think the other, like the ecosystem thing that they were talking about, and this does happen, where you know, when you're oh, our dog is like convulsing on the floor. She's dreaming so deeply. But um, you know, when you're like in a same-sex relationship, I don't know if this also happens with gay men, but like with gay women where it's like when you have a girl's day, a girls' night, a girls' trip, it's everyone, you know, it's like you don't you are one of the girlies. So am I though? No, you're not always, but I still get invited. Sometimes, sometimes I say, like, oh, we're just doing a girl's day, and we it we just call it a girl's day, even though you are also a girl, but just to be like, yeah, it's just me and my friends this time, you know? And that does happen, I think, in a lot of WLW relationships. And especially if you like your independence, but even if you don't, it is healthy to have your own. Yeah. And and so it's, I think that's more just about the communication of it.

Speaker:

I think so too.

Speaker 1:

And not commun, like not being guarded and then stiff arming energetically stiff arming like I was doing, where I'm like, oh my god, it's just a lot. I gotta get out of here. But like real communication and just like, yeah, this is this is what I'm comfortable with. And over time, I think you'll also realize that it's like when you do start building that real intimacy with someone, it's like you do you want to merge your life with them because you want to create a life together instead of I'm just laughing because like when I hear about you from before we were together, like you were a self-described runner, like a runaway bride.

Speaker:

Yeah, you were just like I literally would panic and leave in the middle of the night and just like run away from these people that you were like in long-term relationships with.

Speaker 1:

I mean, so just an example. I had a boyfriend for about two years. He went surfing one day, and I packed we lived together, and I just packed up all of my stuff and left while he was gone. That's really bad. You did that to him twice. Well, I wasn't okay. The other time he wasn't surfing, he was sleeping.

Speaker:

And I'm like, I feel like some of these girls like feel the same way, you know. So I'm like, I'm just like, I think it's so funny, like thinking about you with guys, because like you you were having this internal panic about like intimacy, and just like you would just flee.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you would flee the country, I would fully leave the country, like not even just like, oh yeah, I went down the street. Like, no, I left the whole country, and that's not good. That's called avoidance 101. Okay, I'm not proud of it. I've grown a lot.

Speaker:

This next one literally says, Maybe I'm just avoidant. It's like yes, honey, you are avoidant, or you were avoidant. You're not anymore. You're very secure now.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. Okay, read the last one.

Speaker:

Okay, maybe I'm just avoidant. I've hooked up with women, fallen for women, and still never wanted to commit to one. When things start to feel serious, I suddenly want out. With men, I don't feel as deeply, so it's easier to stay. I don't know if this means I'm not actually not as gay as I think, or if I'm just scared of how much women actually affect me.

Speaker 1:

I think okay, I always say this wrong. Is the latter the thing that she said last?

Speaker:

The ladder.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I think it's that. It's not about you don't need to be a certain level of gay to be in a relationship with a woman. I think that is a very common misconception.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

It you can be it's also it's almost maybe this is controversial. It's almost less about the sexual orientation of it and just more again about the person.

Speaker:

I definitely think this person's avoidant. Again, like if you're starting to like get into a place where things are getting serious and you're like, I gotta get out of this situation, like you're a Kayla and you need to like leave the country, you're definitely avoidant. And that's okay. And you can explore why you are avoidant. And it's like, like, it could be, it might just be that it's like not the right person. Right. And your your gut is trying to tell you something, and you're like, you let it go too long, and now you're panicking because you know it's not the right person.

Speaker 1:

Yes. So that's what I was gonna say. We keep talking about like avoidant, avoidant. If you don't, I I'm sure our listeners know, but if you don't know by chance, attachment theory, it's like a it's from psychology, it's real, it's science, okay, guys? There's avoidant, anxious, and securely attached. I think there's also anxious, avoidant, but um, and it is, you know, it actually all the studies, they're very sad because they're done on babies and they like test babies being left by their moms, obviously in controlled environments and like the way that they respond. And so all of this, like we end up with a certain attachment style based on our upbringing, like everything in psychology. But the one thing I will say that I like about attachment theory is that it's not fixed, which means it's not like your zodiac sign, where it's like, that is what you are. You aren't destined to be avoidant forever. This can change.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And it is that whether it is going to therapy or just introspection, of like trying to understand why you're you are that way. Like for me, yes, partially it was the person I was with, it wasn't the right person. And again, back to childhood, it was also partially that of I felt I was very invaded. I didn't have a lot of privacy or autonomy, and I was suffocated a lot. So when I started feeling that from someone, which could have just been actual love, but I had experienced love as control and suffocation growing up, that it was like, oh my God, this is scary. And so I was obsessed with autonomy and independence because being sharing love with someone felt like a threat to me and my identity. So a way to protect myself was to exit the situation.

unknown:

Yeah.

Speaker:

You know, instead of like understanding why am I being triggered, like what are the needs that are are being like met or unmet, and then like communicating what you need for with another person and like asking for adjustments or taking what you need, you know, like that's really what's needed in the situation.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and maybe just taking some time to yourself before dating at all or even hooking up at all to understand that about yourself so that you can even know what your needs are to communicate them. Instead of trying to communicate and understand your needs while also hooking up with a new person, like it could be a lot all at once. So it's like you can also just take a beat and have some you time and figure it out.

Speaker:

Yeah, because if you really like someone and things are starting to get more heated and more serious, and that makes you start to panic, like you probably won't understand why. Like try to figure out what's going on. Like, what is that triggering in you? And then figure out if it is you or is it the person, and it might be a blend of both.

Speaker 1:

And I imagine most of the time it is, and I I don't know if this is true or not. This is just from my own brain. So I don't know if this is accurate based on attachment theory, but I feel like avoidant people, it usually is coming from that place of protection. I mean, all I think actually all of them are, where it's like you are trying, whereas like an anxiously attached person, they are the ones who are needy, who are codependent, who need a lot of reassurance. And by the way, like magnets on the opposite end of the spectrum, avoidant people and anxious people tend to attract each other. And so then you end up in those same, you know, the more that the avoidant person, which sounds like most people who wrote in, the more the avoidant person is with the anxious person, they are getting freaked out because they're like, why is this person so intense? And then the anxious person is like getting more and more intense. Yeah, because they're like feeling them pull away and to protect themselves and to feel safe, they need to feel they're trying to get more connection and further and further away. And it creates toxicity. So it's also, I think that's part of it, is like when you are on one end of the spectrum, you'll attract the other end, and then it becomes this almost like self-fulfilling prophecy where you're like, see, I knew it. Everyone is needy, everyone is code, and it's like, well, yeah, no. So maybe just like consider what are you trying to protect? Why do you feel like you need to run in order to stay safe?

Speaker:

Talk to Kayla about it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we can schedule a one-on-one, guys. So, um, so yeah. So those were our submissions. They were amazing. They were really good. They're good. And I also feel like we said this five million times, but most of them are really not gendered. I I don't think I think it's less about like being gay enough, liking girls enough. It's more just about finding the right person and kind of like letting go of almost those labels and stuff around it and just honing in on the feeling. Who cares about the kind of logistics? Like, notice how you feel. Exactly. I don't know.

Speaker:

So, who's your problem? Huh.

Speaker 1:

I told you, I told you I was gonna share this on the podcast. No. So, yes, hide your head in shame. No. So please don't clip this. One thing about me, please clip this.

Speaker:

No, please don't.

Speaker 1:

Genuinely, this is this is gonna be clipped for the world's. You don't want this on social media. We'll discuss later. One thing about me that I am the problem with is brushing my teeth. I always, always dribble a little bit down the front of my shirt. Okay.

Speaker:

Especially when you have a brand new shirt.

Speaker 1:

No, it's it could be any shirt.

Speaker:

It's always, but like if you have a new shirt on or a freshly clean shirt on, it's more likely to happen.

Speaker 1:

I it just, I would say just pretty much always happens. And it's just like this little snail trail down the front, and I never even notice either. And you'll see me and be like, what is all over your shirt? Like, get a grip, you know, you look ridiculous. And I'm like, oh, yeah, well, I brushed my teeth in the middle of the day, so that's what's happening. And so I was wearing a new shirt the other day, brushed my teeth, didn't realize it. And you're like, honey, look at your shirt. And you're like, you're just gosh, why are you like this? And and what did you call me? I'm actually just gonna let you tell the sister. You called me a jizz stain. You didn't say I have a jizz stain, you called me a jizz stain. And I was like, that feels more offensive than someone being like, you're a piece of shit. You know, like you called me a jizz stain. So who's the problem? I meant to say, I meant to say, okay, backpedaling. You have a jizz stain. That's not true because you first talked about what I had on me, and then you called me a little jizz stain. So I would just like to know who's the problem, me for thinking that is an outrageous thing for my lesbian wife to call me.

Speaker:

That's so funny.

Speaker 1:

Or because first you called me a Jizz Portal. I should, you know, if you listen to our lesbian versus bi girls episode, you'll know Jizz Portal. First you call me a Jizz Portal, and then you said, no, you're just a little Jizz stain.

Speaker:

That's really funny.

Speaker 1:

So there.

Speaker:

I think you're the problem.

Speaker 1:

Clearly. Clearly, I'm the problem for sharing it.

Speaker:

Oh, that's really funny.

Speaker 1:

Okay, who's yours? Is it me?

Speaker:

It's not you.

Speaker 1:

Okay.

Speaker:

I want to know if it's me. Okay, you're putting yourself on glass. Like, okay, in the context of deal breakers, like what happens if you thought something wasn't a deal breaker, but then over time it actually is a deal breaker. Are you talking about me? So, for example, I could give an example. One girl I dated, like we dated for three years. It wasn't a deal breaker at first that she didn't want kids, but then it became a deal breaker for me, actually. Because like my mind changed. So, like, in that example, like, am I the problem?

Speaker 1:

I have another example, which is like I thought I was gonna answer and then well and then we can come back to that.

Speaker:

But like another example would be like when we decided we were gonna get married, one of the things we said was like like maybe we could be open one day.

Speaker 1:

We're gonna have this discussion on air.

Speaker:

Okay, like who knows? Like, well, we wanna at least be able to talk about it, and I think we can like still talk about it. I'm like, I don't know that I actually couldn't do that now six years later. And so I'm like, Am I the problem? Well, our real agreement was that we would always be open to the discussion, to the discussion, which I am, yes.

Speaker 1:

So I don't think you're breaking that promise, first of all.

Speaker:

Second of all, I think And I think I'm still potentially open, but not to a poly situationship. We don't have to get into this right now.

Speaker 1:

So maybe we'll do a whole episode.

Speaker:

But like, am I the problem if I change my mind over the quarterback?

Speaker 1:

People should change their minds. I think it would be a lot more alarming if you had the exact same beliefs and values and opinions as you did when you were six years old, as you do right now.

Speaker:

I know you're going to be looking for a marriage and you're like, no, this isn't a deal breaker for me, but it becomes a deal breaker, then you're like, what do you do?

Speaker 1:

I think you have Am I the problem? No, but I think you have to choose yourself personally because I agree. You'll end up with resentment. You can pretend, like, okay, I'm gonna keep doing it the way that I said that I would do it, but if your soul actually does not want that, you're going to feel resentful. And that will end up ruining the marriage, anyways. Yeah. So it's better to be up front. And even though it would be so painful and so hard, and that person could feel blindsided. Like, I know somebody that that happened to where they talked, they're like, Oh, we don't think we want kids. And then one of them did. And kids are one you can't compromise on. You can't be like, let's have half a kid part-time. Like, you can't do that. It's all or nothing. And had to decide, like, okay, but if we do this, are you gonna feel resent, you know?

Speaker:

So yeah, it's just interesting, it's interesting that like your deal breakers can change in a significant way.

Speaker 1:

Yeah. And there's I I think too, that's one of the the nice things about finding your person a little later in life, you know? And I obviously there's plenty of people in their 20s who end up with their person forever.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

But finding somebody in your 30s or even beyond, it's like you become clearer and clearer about who you are, what you want, and your obviously your brain is more developed, but it's like you can kind of think into the future a little bit more completely about what you also, you know, like you can have those discussions that you might not even think to consider in your 20s.

Speaker:

I just love it when you think I'm not the problem.

Speaker 1:

That's your takeaway. Yeah. But remember, you are the problem for the Jiz Stain comments. So yeah, we'll just end on that note right there. Why did it have to come back to that? I love you, my little Jiz Stain. We love you, sister wives. And don't forget to subscribe, rate, review, share the. And please keep sending us your stories.

Speaker:

Love it.

Speaker 1:

See you next week. Thank you so much for listening to the show. We're so happy to have you here. Make sure to subscribe, rate, and review wherever you're listening to podcasts. We love getting commentary from you on Spotify and on YouTube. And as always, if you love this episode or any of our episodes, make sure to share it with a friend or somebody who will appreciate the conversation.

Speaker:

And make sure to follow us on all our socials at Wives Not SistersPod on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. Thanks, guys. See you next week.