The Body Image Episode: Millennial Women, Diet Culture & Gender Expression

What does body image look like when you’re queer, partnered, confident… and still unlearning everything you were taught?

In this episode, Alix & Kayla get deeply honest about body image, desire, and self-perception inside queer relationships. They talk about comparing yourself to your past body, feeling pressure to look “gay enough,” navigating femme and masc expectations, and how confidence, strength, and self-expression shape attraction far more than size or shape.

From almond moms and Gen Z style anxiety to masculinity, femininity, fitness, sex, and learning how to dress—and live—for yourself, this conversation explores what it really means to feel at home in your body when the rules you grew up with no longer apply.

This is a candid, funny, and thoughtful episode about queer identity, lesbian relationships, body neutrality, confidence, and the slow, imperfect work of decentering the gaze and choosing yourself.

00:00 – Intro: Married, Codependent, and Back in the Jungle
01:00 – Queer Camp Update + Life in Nicaragua
05:30 – Today’s Topic: Body Image in Queer Relationships
06:40 – “My Body Had to Be ___ to Deserve Affection”
09:00 – Comparing Your Body to Your Past Self
11:00 – Unlearning Food, Rest, and Exercise Guilt
13:35 – Body Image in the Queer World vs the Straight World
17:00 – Confidence, Self-Expression, and Attraction
19:00 – Dating Women: Feeling Bigger, Stronger, or More Visible
24:30 – When Body Image Wasn’t the Problem at All
26:00 – Weight Gain, Health, and Changing Body Shapes
28:00 – Masculinity, Femininity, and Wanting a Different Body
31:00 – Being Femme, Being “Hot,” and Decentering Men
34:00 – Getting Dressed for Yourself (Not the Gaze)
37:15 – Listener Hot Takes on Body Image
39:30 – Masc vs Femme Bodies & Internalized Misogyny
42:00 – Aesthetic Attraction vs Romantic Attraction
44:00 – Power, Confidence, and “The Hotter Partner”
46:20 – Are Queer People Expected to Be More Body-Evolved?
49:45 – Gender Identity vs Learned Body Shame
52:40 – Who’s the Problem: Men, Women, or the Patriarchy?
58:30 – The One Thing We All Fixate On
01:00:00 – Why We Do This to Ourselves

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Follow our hosts on Instagram: @kaylalanielsen @alix_tucker

You can also watch our episodes on Youtube at youtube.com/@wivesnotsisterspod!

Transcript

00:00:00:07 - 00:00:15:07
Unknown
Hey, guys, it's Alex and Kayla, and we're married. Not related. Definitely codependent, but in a cute way. And my wife got the intro right today. Snaps for Alex. Okay.

00:00:15:09 - 00:00:35:13
Unknown
Also, if you listen to the last episode, you might be familiar with the words jizz stain. We're bringing it up again because when I sat down, we're not really bringing this up again. I never want to really hear this again. Because when we sat down, you said you have a jazz scene. That's what you said. Well, and so then I look.

00:00:35:14 - 00:00:58:13
Unknown
That sounds like a personal problem. I looked and I do, and I said, well, can you see it in the camera? And you said, no. So let me know if you can see it in the camera. This is not from a toothpaste. This is Lord knows what that's from, but it's adjusting. Okay. Welcome to the show everyone. We're back and how do we like to start our show, honey?

00:00:58:15 - 00:01:24:29
Unknown
We like to tell people thank you. Yes. For subscribing and for leaving us comments. And for sending us your hilarious stories and like, controversial takes. You just all of it because we are co-creating this show together. Yes. Us and the Sister Wives, we're a team. We're doing this together. And something I will say that has been coming up a lot, especially in the last few weeks.

00:01:24:29 - 00:01:44:23
Unknown
I want to give a little update about Queer Camp. Oh, yeah. So anybody who doesn't already know we split our time between California and Nicaragua. We have a retreat center here in Nicaragua. That's where we are right now. Like just on a total side note, if you are watching this on YouTube, it does become a bit of a production problem because these plants are real.

00:01:44:25 - 00:02:03:09
Unknown
Okay. In Encinitas they have fake plants and these ones are real. So we have to be moving them around to keep chasing the sun because we're in this like dark studio room. And maybe you just heard that gecko chirping at us. We are here in Nicaragua in the jungle. So that's Alex and I met in Nicaragua six years ago.

00:02:03:09 - 00:02:25:27
Unknown
If you want to hear that origin story, episode one is your best friend and we have a retreat center here. I'm a yoga teacher. Have a have had a retreat business for a super long time. And we opened our doors here four years ago. And now we rent out our space to all different kinds of not just yoga teachers, but also we have serve people come.

00:02:25:29 - 00:02:49:12
Unknown
Well, my dream. If any of you are queer writing retreats, writing retreats, if any of you are queer travel hosts of any kind, please book with us. Because that way I want a queer group to come here just 100%. The gays at a gay owned hotel. But yeah, so we have surfers and birdwatchers and just like nature adventure travel lovers, all different kinds of retreats come.

00:02:49:15 - 00:03:15:11
Unknown
And we really wanted to do a queer camp because of exactly what I just said. We want a group of all queers here and fully built it out. We're like, we're doing queer camp in May, made everything, didn't launch it, and then things in our life changed as they have been the last three years around all of our fertility stuff and just realize, like the mental capacity for that is not possible right now.

00:03:15:11 - 00:03:37:17
Unknown
The emotional capacity for that is not possible. So as of now, Queer Camp is it doesn't have a set date. A lot of you have been messaging being like, When is Queer Camp? I'm so excited for wanting to launch it. Yes, we're trying to decide on what potential dates could be, but either a you can create your own queer camp you because our space is here for you to rent out or be.

00:03:37:17 - 00:03:55:02
Unknown
You can just come and stay as an Airbnb or hotel guests. So I said this in the last episode, but we're doing one of the retreats that are happening all the time from other people who are leading them. Like we have surf retreats happening in April and May. We have all sorts of stuff going on. Yeah, retreats and bring some of your queer friends, if you know.

00:03:55:02 - 00:04:17:18
Unknown
But it is a very queer friendly place. Obviously it's a gay owned hotel and we'll put the link to our place. It's called Still Salty in the show notes, so you can see all of the retreats we have. If you like any of those, or you can email Still Salty directly and just come and say, as a local, it's like a queer hotel guest, a whole cloud hotel guest.

00:04:17:21 - 00:04:37:28
Unknown
Yeah. And it's awesome where you are right now. And we love getting to meet all the guests that come through. And yeah, like we say, we there's always queer people that are coming through the retreats every single week, and it's awesome. And they get so stoked when they find out that it's it's gay owned and it's just I mean, we're obviously biased, but we love Nicaragua so much.

00:04:38:01 - 00:05:00:18
Unknown
And where we are, it's just it's so there's so much to do. Like there are so many activities. I swear, I don't know how people don't go home more tired than when they can't, because people go so hard on the activities from like boating and fishing and surfing and horseback riding and turtle release. You know, hike, volcano, hiking, volcano, sandboarding, yoga, everything, cooking class, farm to it.

00:05:00:18 - 00:05:26:14
Unknown
You know, it's like there's so much to do. So if you're also just a traveler, come. And if you're a killer, come hang out by the pool and the beach. It's a beautiful place. We love you. We want to meet you. Be awesome. Yes, we want sister wives in Venus. Love. That sounds hilarious. All right, well, I don't know if you noticed, but it's my turn to lead.

00:05:26:14 - 00:05:45:26
Unknown
Yeah, I know, so I'm going to give you some sentences. Yes. And it's kind of like. Do you remember the game Mad Libs? Yeah. Where there's like a blank in the sentence and you have to fill in the blank. Except it was like a verb adverb, noun. Yeah, yeah. It's not that, but it like a fill in the blank situation.

00:05:45:29 - 00:06:08:11
Unknown
Okay, I can handle that. Okay. And, what you're going to see is a very body image focus because today's topic is around body image. Yes. This has been a requested topic from a lot of I think, well, I know most of our listeners are women, and we know that body image tends to impact women more so than men.

00:06:08:11 - 00:06:40:27
Unknown
Obviously it's still impacts men. But, there's been a lot of interesting discussion around body image in lesbian relationships specifically because it's like two women with two different kinds of body image issues coming together. So I'm excited to talk about this. Yeah. Okay. I believe my body was something I had to blank before I deserved. Affection. Oh, something affects I guess my body had to be it.

00:06:41:04 - 00:07:03:19
Unknown
My body had to be or my body. My body was something I had to blank before I deserved affection. I would just, like, modify the sentence slightly to say like I thought my body had to be perfect, you know? So like my body wasn't. It's not a verb, it's an adverb. I thought confidence meant blank, but now I think it means blank.

00:07:03:21 - 00:07:12:07
Unknown
Oh, in relation to body image. So. Okay, I thought confidence meant.

00:07:12:09 - 00:07:40:29
Unknown
You know, it's kind of back to perfect. It's like just looking shredded, you know, or like being really defined or just like super hot, flawless kind of. But now I know it's actually just about it's more about how you feel about how you look and more about how you feel. I felt pressured to look more blank, to be taken seriously as a queer person.

00:07:41:02 - 00:08:06:06
Unknown
To look more gay. Right. Yeah. I feel what does that mean? I mean, I think with women it's usually to look more gay in clothes. It's usually more either like a little bit more mass kind of tomboy ish or almost like edgy. You know, when I think of, like, Gen Z style, where you're like, are they gay or are they Gen Z?

00:08:06:06 - 00:08:39:12
Unknown
It's that like edgy kind of look, and I'm clearly not. I'm wearing a J.Crew t shirt and jeans right now, so there's that. I compare my body to blank when I'm feeling insecure, I feel like I compare my body. It not just my body, but all comparison. I'm the worst with comparing it to myself, if that makes sense, then other people, because I don't.

00:08:39:12 - 00:08:58:06
Unknown
It's the previous ways that you've looked. Yeah, because I don't. It's like, I know I'm not a model, you know, and I'm five three and it's like, I don't want to look like a reality star or a housewife or, you know, like, that's not what I'm even trying to emulate. It's more like, I just want to look like when I thought I looked the best.

00:08:58:12 - 00:09:23:09
Unknown
So I compare mostly to myself and I felt safer dating people who were blank than me. Bigger? Yeah, like taller or physically bigger. Like, well, weighed more than you or clothes. Yeah. That's why I said bigger. Otherwise I would have just said taller. Hey, I told you, height doesn't really bother me that much. You thought I was lying.

00:09:23:12 - 00:09:47:13
Unknown
I've dated some short kings, but would you date anyone shorter than you? I don't know if I've met anyone. Do you always think you're taller than everyone? But genuinely, I'm like, no, I've obviously I have three. And she thinks she's taller than everyone. I've obviously met women who are shorter than me, but I wasn't interested in them, not because of their height.

00:09:47:13 - 00:10:08:25
Unknown
It's just like I just wasn't. Yeah, I don't think I've ever met a guy that was shorter than me. No. So, I mean, you know, I had a boyfriend in high school who was probably five four, and I've been five three since I was 12 years old. So yeah. Okay.

00:10:08:28 - 00:10:45:27
Unknown
What you got? I didn't realize how much blank shaped what I thought was hot. Oh, I'm like, how honest should I be right now? I didn't realize how much I'm, like, trying to think of a concise way to say this or a way that doesn't sound weird, but it's like my mom's opinion shaped the way of whatever things they thought were hot, just because she's had a very intense opinion about not not as much hotness, but just like beauty when it comes to body image.

00:10:45:29 - 00:11:00:12
Unknown
And I didn't always realize sometimes the thoughts or the voice in my head was in my voice. Those were her words and her actual voice. She's saying, yeah, well.

00:11:00:15 - 00:11:08:18
Unknown
I avoid blank because it makes me aware of my body.

00:11:08:21 - 00:11:29:22
Unknown
I don't know. I mean, if I'm really not feeling myself, it's usually less about my body and more about my face. Like when my face is looking crazy. It usually happens. It's like when I've been very stressed, if I've been crying or if I'm feeling like just not good, I will. I might have void mirrors, but it's not like something I do on a regular basis.

00:11:29:24 - 00:12:03:07
Unknown
So there's not I don't think there's anything on a regular basis I avoid, because of my body. I'm still unlearning how to be seen when. Or I'm still learning. Unlearning how to blank without guilt. What? You just gave me two back to back. I was still struggling with the first one. If you felt like that one was better or something, I don't know.

00:12:03:07 - 00:12:35:12
Unknown
Okay. What was the second one? I'm still unlearning how to blink without guilt. Oh, I think. I mean, I think sometimes it can still happen. It's more. It's like I'm a very active person and sometimes, I mean, you almost kind of joke, you're like, yeah, we don't have three dogs. I have four because I need to walk you just as much because on a very physical level, if I don't exert a certain amount of physical energy every day, I have a hard time sleeping at night.

00:12:35:12 - 00:13:01:19
Unknown
Like, it's like I. It does impact everything. So I have to, like, get it out. But then other times I can feel not as energetic and like, I, I don't I can rest now without guilt, but sometimes it's not really like omnipresent or anything. But sometimes I'm like, if I'm really hungry and I haven't exercised either at all, or like, not in the same way I usually do, but I can't.

00:13:01:22 - 00:13:19:15
Unknown
You know, when you feel like you cannot fill the hole in your stomach and, and I keep eating to try to fill the hole. It can make me feel some type of way, like, why am I even so hungry? I didn't even do anything. It's like connected to that belief of like, you have to earn your food through exercise, but it's not.

00:13:19:15 - 00:13:36:03
Unknown
Like I said, it's not this like thing that is grueling. Me, but it can be there sometimes. It's interesting. Yeah. Do you want to do I. Okay. I was going to say do you want to do one more. But no I like that. Okay. I think that was a good ending okay. So we're talking about body image.

00:13:36:05 - 00:14:05:03
Unknown
And you know we're both women and we're both queer. And I think like both of those add different lenses. Yeah. To the mix. Yeah. So I don't know exactly how we begin this conversation. You're the one that I've had. But I think it's like. I don't know if you felt this when you because this is more, maybe more of a recent experience for you, like kind of coming out or like being part of the queer world.

00:14:05:03 - 00:14:20:28
Unknown
It's been six years, but okay, it's still like more recent for you. I will never not be a baby gay in your eyes. I'll be like on my deathbed. And you're like, oh my God, you're so cute and you don't know anything. But it's like, it's it's interesting because, like, I think.

00:14:21:00 - 00:14:57:09
Unknown
Image in the queer world is so different from image in the straight world. Yeah. Well, in a lot of ways. Well, with the caveat we're talking about gay women because gay men, gay men, it's very different because they're centering men, but gay women are centering men. So yes, it's different. Like, for example, like I think like one of the what I always felt like was one of the coolest parts about, like coming into the queer world was like there was it was more about like your unique sense of style and like this, like edginess or like just self-expression, self-expression.

00:14:57:09 - 00:15:27:20
Unknown
And it was more about like the energy and the vibe that you exude. It's confidence. Yeah. And so then it was about like how hot some guy thought you might look, right? Or like how hot some other girl in your friend group who dresses just like you might think you look like sorority esque vibes. You know, we're like, people look very conforming in a way where it's like, maybe objectively that's attractive or beautiful to people.

00:15:27:20 - 00:15:54:21
Unknown
But like in the queer world, it's like a lot of things that may not be, like, objectively attractive, are attractive because of, like the energy or the vibe or like your your self-expression. The way you're expressing yourself is coming out. I think. How do you how did you like, feel when you kind of saw that? Okay. Well, I would say that I think that that I think what you're talking about is confidence and that and confidence is attractive regardless of if you're gay or straight.

00:15:54:24 - 00:16:25:19
Unknown
And so that does happen in the straight world to our straight person if they're confident, but they have a kind of a kooky style, it's hot because they are just being themselves, their whole ourself, you know what I mean? And I think we see that in the same but kind of different way in the queer world, where it's like self-expression is such a big part of queer culture because historically that has been oppressed, because if you actually express the way that you are, you would be it was dangerous, you know, it was you would become a target in some ways.

00:16:25:22 - 00:16:43:15
Unknown
And now the world that we live in, at least, I mean, we're from the States and not every country is like this, but it's like it's a little bit safer or a lot, depending on where you live to express yourself. As you feel, you know, so I think that is attractive regardless of being gay or straight. Yeah.

00:16:43:15 - 00:17:13:01
Unknown
Whereas like it's easy to be hot by showing more of your body let's say for a woman. Right. Or it's easy to be hot man or woman if you're, if you have a six pack, if you know, like these superficial things where it's like, yeah, if that girl has an amazing ass or even not an amazing ass that she's wearing booty shorts, or you know, and like, the more you're showing of your body, it's like, well, that it's almost like this easy way to be hot instead of like, but is that who you actually feel like to do?

00:17:13:01 - 00:17:28:14
Unknown
Those booty shorts really feel like you, you know what I mean? Which it kind of reminds me of, like when you say your favorite thing that I wear is an outfit like this, jeans and a t shirt, you're like, I have you just look so hot. I'm like, yeah, because I'm like, that's the most comfortable I feel.

00:17:28:16 - 00:17:52:29
Unknown
And it's like baggy jeans. Yeah. You know, it's like when I feel like you're in your white crop T yeah that's my heart on fire. And if I wash my hair like oh that's game over I can't work that day. So sad. That's the bars in hell. I'm so sorry but but yeah so I. But I think that is true for anyone.

00:17:52:29 - 00:18:12:05
Unknown
It's the same way like with you. You know, when we first got together, you still have long hair, which is so crazy to think about. And I don't know, it's just like, I don't care. It's like I feel more attracted to you with short hair because you are more yourself, not because your hair is short. You know what I mean?

00:18:12:06 - 00:18:30:24
Unknown
Yeah. Whereas like, if all of a sudden you're like, I want to grow up my hair again. And that felt like you and you were doing it for you, then I would feel that same level of attraction, but it's less about like the thing that is happening, you know? Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. It's like the full self-expression.

00:18:30:24 - 00:18:50:25
Unknown
Yeah. What's attractive. Yeah. And somebody just like choosing them that comfort in your own space and owning themselves. Yes. It's just like it, it's super hot. It's hot and it's it's even and not even just like sexually hot. But it's magnet. It's like ever even friends. It's like you want to be around people like that. Yeah. Who know who they are.

00:18:50:26 - 00:19:17:14
Unknown
I know because that's rare. But like, what? Was there anything that was hard for you when you like, when we first started dating or like being with women compared to like, being with guys like from a body image perspective, like, was there anything that felt harder or like, yeah, made you think about things more? Yeah. I had never, you know, like I told you this, like I had really casually dated this girl before.

00:19:17:14 - 00:19:34:03
Unknown
And she was I think she was actually shorter than me. If I think about photos. Was she did you just think she was. No. We can look. We were she was if she wasn't. And we were the same. Like she was not a tall person, though. She was. Remember I showed you a photo recently and I was like, oh, my God, she's shorter than me.

00:19:34:08 - 00:19:56:27
Unknown
Okay. Didn't we? I think I just whatever, it doesn't matter. I don't remember, but I do remember her being a small person. Yeah, she was small and, but I don't know, like her personality and every like, she felt bigger somehow. And she was also very like, she was super strong. She was like a really good surfer and on this, like, tiny board.

00:19:56:27 - 00:20:23:09
Unknown
And she would, like, scale up a coconut tree and just, like, cut a coconut down with a machete. So it's like she was small, but she I don't know, there was something that felt, I guess, like those are almost more like masculine type of qualities. Do you know what I mean? And and I don't know, like, body wise, if I feel like our bodies were probably kind of like similar size and this was also super casual, it wasn't anything that lasted any length of time.

00:20:23:09 - 00:20:46:02
Unknown
So I don't know, like how this would have ended up. But so I wasn't like hyper aware of my body around her, you know, or even just like she drove like huge motorcycle, you know, like there's just this feeling of like, somehow I still felt, I guess, to me, and maybe this would have been like a good fill in the blank when it was like that feeling of, like, feeling petite.

00:20:46:05 - 00:21:04:14
Unknown
Feels, I don't know if it's like beautiful or hot or like it just feels like that's what I want to feel in relation with someone. Like, I don't want to feel bigger than them. And I know that that comes from being raised in the 90s and the whole almond mom of it all, you know what I mean?

00:21:04:14 - 00:21:21:22
Unknown
Like, I know that's where it comes from. I'm not saying that it's an almond mom and almond mom. All right. As a mom, if you're like, mom, I'm hungry. And she's like, why don't you have some almonds? How is your mom? Yes, yes. And a lot of people have moms like that who grew up, who are millennials. Yes.

00:21:21:24 - 00:21:47:16
Unknown
Well, you're like, that sounds so unsatisfying. I mean, but now I'm like, I would do that. You know, it's like, I whatever, it doesn't matter. But but yeah. So I, I think being with you, you're four inches taller than me, but you're and at the time you were an even thinner person, like extremely thin. And so it would, it wasn't like on a day to day basis.

00:21:47:16 - 00:22:09:03
Unknown
But I would say it was more like sexually. Like if I was like on top of someone, I don't want to feel like I'm crushing you. That doesn't make me feel great. If I'm like, can you breathe? Like, are you okay? You know, and and even though it's not like it, I that was what was actually happening. And I've never I had never because I'm a pretty petite person.

00:22:09:03 - 00:22:30:20
Unknown
Any guy who I've ever been with this is just never crossed my mind because it's not it was never hard for a guy to be bigger than me because I'm pretty sure it in between. And so even if a guy I've dated a lot of like thin kind of surfer guys, but they still I never felt big with them because they were still guys, you know?

00:22:30:22 - 00:22:54:29
Unknown
And so I did feel that sometimes like but more and then I also felt it less around body image but more like body capability with the strength factor. Because also when we first started dating, you were extremely weak. Yes. I had a lot of health problems, guys. You had a lot of health problems that you couldn't get and we didn't know this at the time.

00:22:54:29 - 00:23:16:27
Unknown
We didn't. It was undiagnosed. But and it wasn't just about like, I want you to carry my suitcase. It wasn't that. It was more like sometimes I felt like you couldn't keep up with me. Yeah. You know, when we're, like, on a hike or something, I'm like, come on. Like. So it was more about that. Like, my lifestyle, I said, is very active and I also really prioritize strength and health.

00:23:16:29 - 00:23:40:27
Unknown
And you didn't you also didn't prioritize it. You didn't eat great. You just didn't really care about your body. And it wasn't that I cared about how your body looked. It was more that like, why don't you care about your health? Yeah, because also your health is impacting me. Your limitations impact me. And if you don't take care of your health and, you know, like that impacts my life, right?

00:23:41:00 - 00:23:58:21
Unknown
So that was really but that was less around, like the way you looked. That could have also been a dude who was acting that way. And I wouldn't have really liked that as much. But the strength I was used to, again, any guy, even a thinner, not super active guy, was stronger than me. I had never been the the.

00:23:58:23 - 00:24:25:13
Unknown
And even with that girl, she was stronger than me. She was jacked. I had never been the the physical, stronger person in the relationship. And I didn't like that feeling. Yeah. Yeah. So interesting. Yeah. What did. I was going to say. Did you like you. Did you even notice any of this stuff? I would say no, not really.

00:24:25:13 - 00:24:53:22
Unknown
Like we, we have probably like very different body image experiences in general. Like, yeah, for me, my body wasn't really something I thought about that much like exactly. That was the problem for me. It was like you were just a floating head. Yeah. It's like, I don't know, I, I, you know, I've always been like, kind of tall and thin my whole life and, you know, like when I was younger, like in sports and stuff, I was always like, really athletic and everything.

00:24:53:22 - 00:25:09:03
Unknown
And it's just as I grew up, like, one of the things you've always said to me is like, usually in college, like your body, like, you know, you hit a certain age and your body starts to change and you have to be more aware of the things you're eating. And so that's usually when people like learn how to cook for themselves or like how to learn about nutrition.

00:25:09:03 - 00:25:29:22
Unknown
And like, that never happened to me. I never happened where, like, I could pretty much always eat anything I wanted. My body would always say the same, I think, and I could be wrong. But even just now that you're after, you know, being diagnosed with your autoimmune stuff and, and gaining weight and in a good, healthy way and everything.

00:25:29:24 - 00:25:46:05
Unknown
But when there have been times that your body even does change, I feel like it doesn't bother you the way that it does most. So it's like even if in in college you did when you studied abroad in Italy, you're like, yeah, I got fat. You're like, I gained like 20 pounds and I got you're like, I don't care.

00:25:46:09 - 00:26:02:26
Unknown
You're like, yeah, I ate a bunch of pizza and pasta and drank every night like, yeah. So I was going to say like, don't feel anything about it my whole life. Like my biggest challenge was actually gaining weight. Like, I was always like, underweight. And it was like, not for a lack of trying. It was like always eating and gaining muscle, too.

00:26:02:26 - 00:26:18:07
Unknown
Yeah, and gaining muscle. Like I could just never gain weight. And it was just like I was too skinny. And people are always like, oh, like it's so annoying for you to say. It's like, no, but genuinely like it was, it was something that was a thing that I was always thinking about. I was like, I'm too skinny and I can't like gain weight.

00:26:18:09 - 00:26:32:29
Unknown
And like, what I did gain weight. It didn't bother me. Like I studied abroad, I ate and drank way too much and I gained like 15 pounds and none of my pans fit. I was just like, yeah, some kind of fat, you know? Like what? You still say that now you'll be like, I'm feeling a little doughy, you know?

00:26:33:05 - 00:26:50:12
Unknown
It doesn't bug me. I'm just like, yeah, I'm just kind of like. But you don't feel guilt. You don't feel shame. It doesn't impact your self-worth. Like, oh, it's so non-emotional. You're just like, it's a fact right now. And like, also, I know it's going to go away once I get back in my habit again. You just don't care.

00:26:50:12 - 00:27:10:13
Unknown
It doesn't, like, affect me. And I would say, like when I did get diagnosed with everything and like finally understood, like why my body was the way it was and like things started to click. Like I, I gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time. I gained, I don't know, 15 pounds in 3 to 6 months.

00:27:10:15 - 00:27:28:07
Unknown
And it's kind of like been, maybe I've gained more since, I don't really know. I don't like weigh myself, but like the there was like a few things that happened where I was like, oh, now I feel like buy new clothes. That was more like the biggest thing. And the other biggest thing. Then I was like, this is annoying.

00:27:28:07 - 00:27:42:25
Unknown
Is that like my buck, I was wondering if you're going to say it. I was like, I don't like this right now. That was like everything else. I was like, I like because I'm like, I gained a lot more muscle like now. And I've been working out like consistently like five, six days a week for over a year now.

00:27:42:27 - 00:28:02:06
Unknown
And so I have a lot more muscle. And so like physically I'm like much stronger. Like my surfing's improved. Like I have all these like benefits that I really enjoyed. But the one thing that I don't like is that my buck up big, and it's because I feel like it makes me feel like more feminine, more feminine. It's like, I don't like the shape of my body, right?

00:28:02:13 - 00:28:24:18
Unknown
Most people, I think, would like the shape of my body as a woman. It's like more pear shaped. Okay. Like you had like a flat stomach, but something wider had a little bit wider hips. And I'm like, I want to have like, broad shoulders and small hips, like my wife. Yeah. I'm shaped like a triangle. So I'm basically like a swimmer or like a gymnast, you know, where it's like both of my parents could be linebackers.

00:28:24:18 - 00:28:48:02
Unknown
Like they we have all of us have such broad shoulders. I love it. And it's like skeletal. It's not just the muscles, but it's structural. So it's like, of course I also have big shoulders and then genuinely no hips. Like it's hard. It's a hard for things to stay on my hips. I don't like. Your jeans are always falling off because your hips are so small and like, how did you get hips like that?

00:28:48:05 - 00:29:09:04
Unknown
Right? Which is, I mean, I literally have the exact same body as my mom. Yeah, exact same body. And and. Yeah. So when we're talking skeletal, there is nothing that you can do if you're, you know, but I think this happens a lot. And we're talking right now as women and mostly about women. Men have a different experience.

00:29:09:04 - 00:29:29:21
Unknown
I can't speak to that. But it's like with women, a lot of the times it's like we kind of want what we don't have, or it's like, oh, well, is in. You see that with everything down to straight hair, curly hair, you know, you're always like, oh, but if I had it this way, you know, and I don't know, it's just at a certain point it's like, how do you just accept it?

00:29:29:23 - 00:29:57:11
Unknown
You know? Yeah. And it is because it is exhausting. It's exhausting to wish for something that is for sure not possible or only possible with it. Insane amount of surgery, which like, do you want to. Yeah. You know, and luckily it's like, well, I feel like that's the nice thing about fashion is like, yes, I don't like, love my hips, but there's like the way that I dress, I feel like you can downplay the size of your hips or whatever.

00:29:57:11 - 00:30:15:04
Unknown
Like, you can do that. Yeah. You're not going to be wearing a crop top to show off the curve of your hips. If you see me in a crop top center, health center, you see me in a cropped up like it will make you laugh. That's not. But this is what I tell you all the time. It's because of your physical.

00:30:15:07 - 00:30:29:26
Unknown
It's like if you put a sweater so weird in it, you know, when you put a sweater on a dog and they just kind of like freeze and they get super weird and put their head down and they're like, mom, like, why are you doing this? That's what you do in a crop top. You're like, what is that?

00:30:29:26 - 00:30:49:07
Unknown
And I'm like, you can like be free. You can move your arm. No, you it's like you don't know. You get so stiff. It's well, it just it just doesn't make sense. I think that like my body, it's like I just look like a twink.

00:30:49:09 - 00:31:11:16
Unknown
Okay. Over these giving over Thanksgiving, I dress you. Yeah. And I know your style very well. I'm never going to dress you in something that is too embarrassed. You, you know, like, I feel like I can nail it when I help dress you or buy you clothes. And you looked very cute. You're wearing black pants and a white dress shirt with a sweater vest over it.

00:31:11:19 - 00:31:34:19
Unknown
And then my cool boots. Yeah, right. Oh, look. Great. Yeah. So it was, like, casual. It's a little dressed up. The sweater vest was mine, by the way, and I actually wore that to Thanksgiving I think two years before a similar outfit but a little bit more of them. Yeah. And it was so funny because at Thanksgiving, one of your brothers, he was like, yeah, like, I like your outfit.

00:31:34:19 - 00:31:54:21
Unknown
You kind of he like, didn't know how to say it, you know, like you kind of look like a gay dude, you know? And I was like, you can say it. She looks like a twink. It's fine. And your family is so like, oh, like, are we allowed? Is it was that like a slur? Like they don't understand, you know, like some straight people that don't know what's safe for them to say or to laugh at or to laugh at?

00:31:54:21 - 00:32:18:29
Unknown
Yeah. I'm like, no, it's it's fine. She is 100% a twink. Like it's that's what she is. It's okay. You can say it. It was amazing. But it made them feel so awkward. Yeah. They were like, Oh, God. Do you ever feel like, because you're fem that you're, like, under more pressure to be, like, conventionally hot?

00:32:19:01 - 00:32:50:00
Unknown
Well, okay, so this is the thing that I said at the beginning of the episode where it's like being a gay woman, specifically a lesbian, which I don't identify as a lesbian because I'm bi, but I feel like almost politically, I am a lesbian, you know, like that idea of like, lesbian not just being a sexual orientation, but really it is like a political stance from back in the day, like that's how it was intended and that I feel more connected to than you do.

00:32:50:00 - 00:33:14:22
Unknown
For instance, you know, where it's like I am more of a feminist in that way. And but anyways, it's like being, in any way gay woman, whether it's bi lesbian, whatever. But it's one of the beyond just who you're sucking, you know, beyond that sexual part of it. I feel like part of the point is also to look at that.

00:33:14:22 - 00:33:36:24
Unknown
How much are you centering men in your life? And it's being queer as an identity is more about just who you're sleeping with. You know, it's like a an alternative way of being holistically, way beyond sex and specifically with queer women. That is kind of the main thing that we're meant to. You don't have to if you don't want to.

00:33:36:24 - 00:33:59:21
Unknown
But like the main thing that is sort of prompted to us is like, how much are you centering men? So it's like as femme women, I, I don't feel like I center men. But I've said this before in an old episode like, I still get Botox, you know, like I still dye my grays. I still do things that it's like that is I have an interesting thing.

00:33:59:21 - 00:34:20:07
Unknown
I know what you're going to say. Oh, you have no idea what it is. Oh, okay. Okay. I didn't realize that this thing that I do is maybe not what other people do. Okay, okay. So when I get dressed and I'm like, I'm looking at myself in the mirror, I'm. I'm dressing myself for, like, how attractive I think I look.

00:34:20:10 - 00:34:35:25
Unknown
I like so I look at myself and I'm like fuck yeah I look good and I is. And so when I feel like I walk out in the street I'm like, I just know I look good. I don't know how to explain it, but I a lot of people like what I've heard is like they're getting dressed to see like how they should look.

00:34:35:29 - 00:34:56:08
Unknown
Will their best friend, best girlfriend think they're hot or like, or a guy? They're like, if they go out like they know they're going to event, will the men there think that they're hot? I'm like, do I like I'm doing it for myself? Yeah, that's the goal and I don't it's not like if I go to this party, like, do I think the other queers are going to think I'm hot?

00:34:56:08 - 00:35:13:10
Unknown
I'm like, I, I know I look hot, you know, or whatever it is. It's a weird thing. I realize, like, I do that and I that's not what other people are doing when they're getting dressed or they're looking at themselves in the mirror. Well, a lot of people do that. You know, you have confidence, but there's also a lot of people who don't do that.

00:35:13:13 - 00:35:34:11
Unknown
And I also do think another difference that can happen is being single or not, because, you know, like there's this idea Gay street, whatever. Once you're married, you let yourself go because you're like, well, there's they're stuck with me. They have to think I'm hot. You do kind of stop trying as hard. And not everybody you stop trying.

00:35:34:14 - 00:35:56:08
Unknown
I feel like I've always bandages stains. Yes. When you met me, I was, I had I owned one dress and like, two pairs of shorts, I was. I've always been a little bit disgusting, you know, just like that jungle cat vibe. So. No, I think this is just who I am. But I'm the same as you. Where it's like, yes, I get dress for myself, I want it.

00:35:56:09 - 00:36:17:05
Unknown
My priority is feeling comfortable. So that's down to the material. Like I'm a freak about synthetic stuff. It really irritates my skin, you know? It's like it's what I'm wearing. I want to feel physically comfortable in what I'm wearing. I don't like wearing super tight stuff most of the time. Like, I want to feel comfortable. When I feel comfortable, then I feel hotter.

00:36:17:07 - 00:36:39:24
Unknown
But I do think it does make a difference when you're in a relationship being versus being single. If you're in a relationship where you feel secure and you're like, oh yeah, this person, oh gosh, our dog is farting again. You guys I'm sorry. Well you don't care. You can't smell it. Only we can. I don't know why I'm apologizing to you, but, just hold your breath.

00:36:39:27 - 00:36:57:01
Unknown
Hold your breath. But, yeah, I, you know, because I think someone could be like, well, easy for you to say, Alex. Like, I, I they almost feel like they have to care about what other how other people might perceive them because they're still trying to find a person. That's how I felt when I was single though, too.

00:36:57:01 - 00:37:17:00
Unknown
You know, I know obviously the goal is to do it for yourself and to know that your right person is going to think your style the way you are is hot. Yeah. You know, but I do think it it plays a role for people. Yeah, yeah. It's just an interesting thing. Are you going to read some of the submissions?

00:37:17:00 - 00:37:47:26
Unknown
You haven't read anything? Oh, I didn't know. That's what I supposed to be doing. I was just like chit chatting about everything. I explained it to you before. Okay. Well twice. Okay. Well, some we had some submissions about body image and there's kind of like hot takes essentially. Yeah. So, let's see. Dating someone very confident can make my body image feel worse.

00:37:47:29 - 00:38:08:09
Unknown
Oh, so it's like, agree or disagree. No. Like that's a statement. No, I know what you think. Like, have you ever had that experience? I don't think so. It has it. No, it hasn't made me feel worse because it's like. I feel like you're very kind. I said this to you the other day. We were talking about aging.

00:38:08:09 - 00:38:30:03
Unknown
We weren't talking about body image. I mean, they go together, but. And we're talking about something with aging and how, like, you'll look better. And I was like, well, yeah, because you generally like yourself more. So that's going to age well. And you're like, yeah, I probably so but that doesn't make me feel worse that you have more, you know what I mean?

00:38:30:03 - 00:38:47:10
Unknown
It's just more apparent. It makes me. You're not a big comparison, girly. You compare when you talk to me about this before, like you're always. You're comparing yourself to yourself. I said that earlier in this episode. Yeah. Oh, that was that. Yeah. Like we we talked about this a lot where it's like you, you don't always compare yourself to others.

00:38:47:10 - 00:39:08:17
Unknown
It's always yourself. And so yeah, it's back to you that I feel a certain way. No. Like someone having more of something doesn't make me feel like I have less. It just makes me. It can make me feel a little sad for myself. Like, oh, I wish I could get to where they are. It makes me feel sad that I can't do that for myself, but not like I hate myself for it.

00:39:08:17 - 00:39:42:11
Unknown
There's a difference between that sadness and like self-loathing. I think, you know, okay, all right, here's another one. Mask bodies are allowed to be made in ways femme bodies aren't. Well, that's called misogyny entering the queer world, I think, because mask bodies are, you know, how like, when straight people remember that that lady at the airport a couple of weeks ago who was talking to me and she was very odd and she was talking so close to my face and I said, and she's like, oh, who are you traveling with?

00:39:42:11 - 00:39:56:00
Unknown
I was like, my wife. And she's like, I didn't know you were gay. Like, you just don't look at us like, that's weird. And then you happen to walk up and she's like, oh, so you're the dude, her you're the man. And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, why are you talking to this person? I didn't know cars ready?

00:39:56:00 - 00:40:15:21
Unknown
Let's obviously I wasn't wanting to, but anyways, a lot of straight people do that. You know, where they're like, oh, so you're the dude. And it's like, no, she's she's the woman. She's not the dude. Just because you have short hair or you look and mask is literally an abbreviation for masculine, which is usually synonymous with being a man.

00:40:15:26 - 00:40:39:01
Unknown
Yeah. So I think to me that is misogyny kind of coming into the queer world of men are allowed to have that bods. Remember rap boys summer. Like, why are those those things were like, oh my God. Yeah, he's little like dad bod. This little pooch. I get so cute and it's like, why? Why is that cute on him?

00:40:39:01 - 00:41:01:29
Unknown
But if a woman had that, she would be blasted all over a tabloid. You know, why is being a rat boy now cool? But a girl could never be a cool girl and be cool. So? So it's almost like saying a mask woman who they are making synonymous with a man be able to be made. It's like, well, that's just because you think it's okay for men too.

00:41:02:02 - 00:41:24:16
Unknown
Most women are. And I'm not just saying this because I'm gay as fuck. This is a fact. Scientific fact. Women are more attractive than men. Oh, by far, it's a lot harder to find a man that's like, wow, he is hot or beautiful or even cute. Whereas like most women, I would say a majority of women are beautiful.

00:41:24:18 - 00:41:43:24
Unknown
Are attractive. Yes. So it's like I agree, I agree with it and it almost feels like because of that, then we give guys more leeway, like why do girls wear makeup? And guys, don't you know, why do we have to? We don't have to harder. We don't have to. Obviously we can all rebel and not do that. That's what I mean.

00:41:43:24 - 00:42:08:06
Unknown
It's like I do those things. So I clearly haven't stopped decentering men to a degree. Yeah. If we're talking about like, that's like the patriarchy. But I mean, we're not really getting into it, but can we get through an episode without me saying patriarchy? I don't know, you guys. You guys let us know. But I think that's what that is where it's like mask bodies can be made, but fem bodies have to look a certain way.

00:42:08:12 - 00:42:35:28
Unknown
That's just bringing gender identity of straight relationships into the queer world. Amen. I confuse esthetic attraction with romantic attraction. I do that too. Who are you romantically attracted to? No, honey, I just mean, like, you know, when you see someone who has, like, really good style and they're just like, yeah, they're like really confident over the style, or they have the body type that you want and you're like, damn, like.

00:42:36:00 - 00:42:57:08
Unknown
And you're just like. It's really like an appreciation of their esthetic. It's not like you're into them, you know? But then you're not confusing it. Oh, okay. I was going to say I can't relate to that. I historically have dated my friends. It's been the opposite, where I'm like, I'm actually not. When I first met you, I wasn't not you, you, but even you.

00:42:57:08 - 00:43:18:15
Unknown
I guess it's not like I met you. I was like, oh my God, she's so hot. I like, don't know what to do with myself. But it was like, it's not that I thought you weren't. It's not like I thought you were ugly of course, but it's like the thing that attracted to me more was like you. And then as we grew closer, just as friends, then I became even more and more and more attracted to you.

00:43:18:18 - 00:43:42:08
Unknown
And I've had that experience with a lot of people too, where it's like for me, if I think someone's really hot, I actually don't want to talk to them. Because I'm not saying all hot people suck. There's lots of hot nice people I haven't met a lot of them. Or as friends. Yes, yes. But I'm talking about to to hook up with.

00:43:42:08 - 00:44:04:03
Unknown
And so I kind of tried to avoid like crazy. I'm talking, you know what I mean? Like really model. Yes. It's like no. So I don't I don't mistake it for a romantic attraction. I need, I need to know the person a good. Let's see.

00:44:04:06 - 00:44:28:24
Unknown
Come on, honey, I'm trying to think some of these. I don't know if I want to say. Okay. Okay. Do you feel like the hotter partner usually has more power in the relationship? Not always. I think it's the more confident. The most confident person usually has the most power. Yeah, I think that's true. Well, no, it's not always like it could be money.

00:44:28:26 - 00:44:53:03
Unknown
Because think about like really old dudes with like a hot young wife or even a hot young husband, usually the older dude who's probably decrepit and wrinkly and has saggy balls. So he's like, not hotter, but he has power from from his age and from his money, you know. Yeah, but but sometimes, yes, the hotter person has more power.

00:44:53:03 - 00:45:21:18
Unknown
But I don't think, oh, is this person saying that they compare themselves more to other queers than to like straight people? Like in terms of hotness, do you do the same? I do, I don't know, tell me more. Like for me, it's like I. I don't like, like when I'm around straight people. I'm not like comparing myself to be like, am I hotter than this person?

00:45:21:18 - 00:45:42:02
Unknown
But when I'm around, like queer people, I feel that more where it's like, you feel more of a maybe it's because I look more gay than you do me. Like, if I met like a gala and it's all fucking straight people, I'm just like, I don't compare much. When have you ever been to a gala? Many times. What are you talking about?

00:45:42:02 - 00:46:03:09
Unknown
You've never been to a gala since I've known you? No. Well, for work things. Yes, many. Okay. Galas. These like the actresses you go to, stuff like that. Charity events. Okay. When I lived in a city, we they don't. I have to say, I don't. I don't know what. They don't have them in Nicaragua. But I'm like, I wonder, I don't know, do you feel that at all?

00:46:03:11 - 00:46:22:27
Unknown
Well, I, we kind of talked about my comparison thing already. I feel like I compare myself mostly with myself. Yeah, less with other people. Okay. And I don't think if I, and I do compare myself to other people, I obviously I'm not saying I never do. I'm not going to care if they're gay or straight. That doesn't matter to me.

00:46:22:29 - 00:46:44:12
Unknown
Okay? This person says queer people are expected to be more evolved about bodies. Yes. And like body parts. Agree. You think that's true? Yes. Because I think being queer is now. Not just now. It has been for a long time. Like I said, it's it's political. Yeah, it and it isn't in the sense there's a lot of queer people who are not liberal.

00:46:44:13 - 00:47:05:23
Unknown
But typically people think of a queer person as being liberal, and liberal is associated with body positivity and inclusivity and all sizes matter and all of those things. And so I think that's where those assumptions come from. What do you think.

00:47:05:25 - 00:47:31:17
Unknown
I think that you're right. I think it I don't know why. It's like like you said like being the bee. You're like a political lesbian essentially even though you're bi. Right. And I think it's like yeah for whatever reason, like queerness is so enmeshed with politics and well, I don't think for whatever reason, I think the reason is that it's it had to do with rights.

00:47:31:17 - 00:47:53:12
Unknown
And for the most part, liberals are known for focusing on social justice matters. Yeah. And like identity politics and these are all things that are obviously extremely important to the queer community, because a lot of we didn't used to have the rights that we have. And so most people are going to be voting liberal if they want those rights.

00:47:53:14 - 00:48:05:07
Unknown
Yeah, I think that just don't understand how like being queer aligns with like or or creates.

00:48:05:10 - 00:48:22:25
Unknown
Politics around like the way your body looks as well. Like I just I guess I feel like don't understand. I don't think it is true what you're saying. I think the greater issue is that everything is politicized now. Yeah, your diet is politicized. If you say I eat carnivore, people assume you voted a certain way. That's crazy, you know?

00:48:22:25 - 00:48:55:07
Unknown
So I think that's the greater it's not just about queers, it's straight. People are affected by this too. And I think overall understanding that you can vote one way and not believe 100% of the things that is on that agenda, you know, and if anything, hopefully, hopefully you don't. Because that to me is a sign of extremism. If you just you're like, I don't care if it's liberal, then I'm in versus, you know, okay, I do kind of agree with this side, but I'm not.

00:48:55:07 - 00:49:22:12
Unknown
It doesn't mean I am conservative, but I do agree with this point. You know, like allowing that diversity of thought. So I think in general, whether you're gay or straight or whatever, it's just like not assuming because one component of someone's identity either makes them either political party, but then also, even if they do vote in the way that you assume that they vote, that that means that they believe every single thing that's a part of that campaign.

00:49:22:19 - 00:49:44:15
Unknown
So to say, because that's that's just not the case for most people. Yeah. Just interesting, I know were like wrapping up the topic, but what did we miss about the body image topic? We have everything we well, I feel like the main thing too with yours. You know how you're talking about like you don't love like the hips or like the butt and stuff as much.

00:49:44:18 - 00:50:02:25
Unknown
And it's the body image in relation to gender identity, you know what I mean? Because and like you said, you're like because it kind of makes me feel more feminine. Yeah. And so it's like while you didn't have the experience of an almond mom or of you, not really. You also, we grew up. I grew up in California.

00:50:02:25 - 00:50:27:08
Unknown
You grew up in the Midwest, in Wisconsin. So even just like diet and culture around diet and diet culture, it was very different. Foods that were available to us were very different. So you didn't grow up with that, like core millennial girl moment of the low fat and the nonfat and the like, learning how to count your calories at a super young age and how you weren't.

00:50:27:15 - 00:50:51:23
Unknown
You never learned how to hate your body, because the reality is that we aren't born hating our bodies. We learn how to. Yeah, based on examples that we see from our moms, from our sisters, from TV, from social media, whatever. And you never learned how to do that, but you felt discomfort sometimes. Maybe discomfort isn't the right word, but almost like a dissatisfaction in your body.

00:50:51:23 - 00:51:14:12
Unknown
More so because you didn't feel you're like, oh, like, yeah, I wanted to look this way. Yeah, look at a different shape. Yes, I wanted I want your shape. I want wide shoulders and small hips and like, I want to be muscular. Right. But that's more about the gender identity of it. It's less about like this emotional connection of like I feel less of a person.

00:51:14:12 - 00:51:30:25
Unknown
I feel less hot. I feel less beautiful. It's more of just like that would feel more like me, like my insides and out. That's a match, you know what I mean? But the feeling of feeling uncomfortable in your own body or dissatisfied in your own body is the same. Yeah, it's just like the root of that dissatisfaction is different.

00:51:30:25 - 00:51:51:23
Unknown
And then I think the way it manifests as far as, like a lot of women on my end and probably a lot of our listeners, I feel like can relate more to me, you know, that, like core millennial woman experience, where it's not just that you learn how to hate it, but then it's the behaviors around it where it's restriction and punishment and like count.

00:51:51:27 - 00:52:19:13
Unknown
It's that obsessiveness that comes with it and the way that you start hurting yourself and, you know, whatever variant that is around food and exercise and withholding and it's because of all of that. That's why the body positivity movement has happened. You know, that's so true. So it's like I, I do understand that part of it. And also I believe that diet and exercise matter.

00:52:19:13 - 00:52:40:27
Unknown
I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you want to lose weight. I don't think that should be demonized either. I think people should be autonomous in their bodies, and as long as they aren't hurting themselves or anyone else, then let them live, you know? So let them live. Yeah. Okay. Well who's your problem for this week? Okay.

00:52:40:27 - 00:52:57:26
Unknown
So this is in relation to everything we just talked about. But it's like you know, we talked about Decentering men and the patriarchy as we do. But it's like who is the problem when it comes to body image. Is it men. Because that's often what we say we're like, well, we're this way as women. That's what we say.

00:52:57:26 - 00:53:25:10
Unknown
We're we're this way. And this has happened because of men and because we've centered men and because of the patriarchy. Or is it because of other women for upholding the patriarchy? You know what I mean? Because it's like if it's not being upheld, then it's not something that's going to rule us. And also, I find a lot of the times we are doing these things more so for women than men, not just because we're gay.

00:53:25:13 - 00:53:44:15
Unknown
I'm talking about straight girls, too. I know because most dudes don't even notice. They don't notice. They don't care. They're they really don't. You can dye your hair a whole different color. And he might be like, what? Oh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, it's a little different. You're like, what? I just cut bangs. Like are what? You know, it's not.

00:53:44:18 - 00:54:03:01
Unknown
They think you look amazing if you're wearing jeans and a t shirt versus like, you can dress up like they're just like you're hot, but but you don't notice women. We're very detail oriented. We're laser focused. We've been trained like frickin snipers to compare ourselves to other women, to see them as threats, competition. So we're looking up and down.

00:54:03:01 - 00:54:26:27
Unknown
We're like, oh my God. It's like, I think it's so I think it's the women doing it to themselves in a lot of ways, genuinely. Yeah, that's been my experience. Yeah. I don't know my own answer about that. Some guys of course, are like super judgmental and whatnot. But like, the majority of dudes are like, they just think women are attractive and like, you know, like you look decent.

00:54:26:27 - 00:54:50:18
Unknown
Like they're going to think you're so hot. Yeah. Like we already decided, like, women are more attractive than men. Anyways. You know, we already decided that. And they're just like, I think that they're just, like, super grateful to be able to hook up with somebody who's attractive as they should be, as they should be. They're not they're not noticing all these details, the things that you're thinking and obsessing about, they don't even notice it.

00:54:50:19 - 00:55:17:20
Unknown
Yeah. So but then it's like we're we taught those things from misogyny, from the patriarchy, you know what I mean? It's like probably. But then it's like up to us like we it's almost disempowering sometimes I think, to just blame everything outside of yourself, even if there's some truth in that where it's like, yes, this we've been indoctrinated and we have to literally like, suck that gas, that poisonous gas out of us.

00:55:17:22 - 00:55:36:22
Unknown
But then it's it's like taking back your own power of being like, yeah, okay, I did learn it from this thing, but I am going to overcome that and like, undo that and unlearn it. Yeah. And it's kind of like sharing the responsibility. So maybe it's like a shared who's the problem. They're both the problem for different ways.

00:55:36:25 - 00:56:00:29
Unknown
Like the origin is the patriarchy. But then it's like the current right now it's like up to us to undo that. Then, you know, like we can do something about that. We're not know, I don't know, power to be honest. Well, I think I think the way that women, a way that women have been oppressed is by through propaganda and media and everything, and.

00:56:00:29 - 00:56:16:14
Unknown
Sure. Yeah, all of that telling you to focus on these things that takes up so much of your brain space. If you're if you are committing so much of your brain space to caring about the size of your waist, the chances of you being able to be a CEO are slimmer because you don't have the capacity to do both.

00:56:16:16 - 00:56:40:19
Unknown
So that does come from the patriarchy. That's what I mean by it's like that was taught to us, and now it's our responsibility, I think, to undo that and and overcome. That's my own take. But I'm like, was that taught to us? Because I'm like, I don't think about those things, right? And it's like, I, I grew up in the same environment as everyone else.

00:56:40:19 - 00:57:02:24
Unknown
So it's like, I don't I'm like, I don't know if that's true. Is it? I again, I don't think it applies to everybody. I don't think anything can apply to everybody. But the majority of women, yeah, I would say would probably relate more to my experience with body than yours for sure. I get it because I'm like, but I don't know, like, here's the thing.

00:57:02:24 - 00:57:25:16
Unknown
It's like I think about being in high school or like being in middle school and like dating boys. I never, I never dressed in a super feminine way. I was always like a very sporty person, like, very because I think unconsciously you shouldn't want to be noticed by boys. And it's like, no, but I did and always like attract the most attractive people are always like interested me in school and stuff.

00:57:25:16 - 00:57:46:08
Unknown
And it was like, I don't know, I just had a very different experience about a lot of these things. And I'm like, I don't know why that is right. I can't it's like all my friends around me were thinking about those things and I just thought like, that's weird, but that's okay. But that's my point is that the majority yeah, the majority is what I'm talking about.

00:57:46:08 - 00:58:10:02
Unknown
You are the minority. That's not representative. No, I get it. So why does that happen? Why does anything happen now? That's how personalities work. She's interesting. But but that's what I'm saying. So just because it didn't impact you doesn't mean it's not the patriarchy that did it. Sure. You know that can be true. Yeah. Who's your problem? Well, I don't know.

00:58:10:05 - 00:58:30:23
Unknown
I'm always the problem. Apparently. It's it's like, not a fool. Who's the problem? Okay, but I'm going to just say it, okay? Yeah. It's more of a, like, why do we do this to ourselves? Okay. And I know that I'm the problem, but I think we're all the problem because I think we just say what it is, okay?

00:58:30:26 - 00:58:47:13
Unknown
You know how every single person has, like, one thing about themself that they just don't like? Yeah. Like, can't get over and can't get over. And it's just like, God, it's just like it's just like weird things. And you like this the first thing you see in the mirror. Yeah. Okay. Mine's the size of my ears. I was wondering if you're going to say mine.

00:58:47:14 - 00:59:01:00
Unknown
Why do I have such large ears? Like, why I have such a tiny head and, like, my ears are so giant. It's like. And now I'm just like. Now I'm thinking about my ears. When I'm looking at myself in the mirror, I'm like, I know I'm an attractive person, but why am I you're so big? Like, why does it happen?

00:59:01:02 - 00:59:18:09
Unknown
And it's like, why do we do that to ourselves? And like no one else is noticing the size of me, my ears. Now you are. Because I'm telling you, that's what I was gonna say. That's the real problem. That's right. Now you guys are all going to notice how big my dad, Alex. But it's like, why do we do that to ourselves?

00:59:18:13 - 00:59:37:01
Unknown
Okay, well, this is the greater thing. Whatever your insecurity is, don't tell people. I never looked at your ears before. And then when you told me that, I was like, oh, they are big. But like, I think, of course it's cute. You know? But it's like, I know that most people don't notice the thing. Well, I'm telling you guys, because this is a safe space.

00:59:37:03 - 00:59:53:28
Unknown
You're not going to judge me for the size of my ears, right? But even if you did, it's okay. Yeah. So but that is the greater problem is that if, like you're calling attention to not you, you, but anyone, you end up calling attention to it and then no one else notice. Actually, now that you mention it, it is that way.

00:59:54:03 - 01:00:13:20
Unknown
And then you're like, see, I knew they were, you know, and then it becomes this, this whole cycle is a whole thing. I bet you that. I bet there's a scientific, psychological reason for it, because every person has one thing you may have multiple, but like everybody has the one thing where you're like, it's such a weird.

01:00:13:20 - 01:00:32:12
Unknown
It's like I'm is it just the human need to feel misery in some way? Because the thing is, is like, people have their one thing, they get plastic surgery or injectables or whatever, and that one thing then transfers to another thing. That's so true. So then it's like, because you like, always have to have one. Yeah. You don't like about yourself.

01:00:32:12 - 01:00:50:08
Unknown
So there probably is something literally and I don't know if there's anyone out there who doesn't experience this. I'm sorry. I wouldn't believe you. I want it, but you wouldn't have believed that. I kind of like, have the mentality that I have around. But you still have a thing I do, I so that's what I mean. Even the most confident people.

01:00:50:08 - 01:01:09:21
Unknown
You still have a thing. Oh, you can love yourself. I love myself like you do, you know. But I still have more than one thing, you know, it's like you can be confident and and healthy in your mentality. Everything and you can. So I just wouldn't believe someone that says, no, you guys do it. Exactly. You guys have their one thing.

01:01:09:21 - 01:01:25:25
Unknown
Oh yeah. So that's what I mean. I wouldn't believe them. But you know so I don't know. It's not really who's a problem. But it was just something I wanted to say. Yeah I like it I like it okay. Cool. Well we left it. That was a good one I like that, yeah. I'm sure I feel like people will have more questions.

01:01:25:27 - 01:01:46:10
Unknown
Yeah. Because we in some ways it kind of feels like just scratch the surface, you know, and there is so much to go in a lot of directions with it. Because one thing I do want to say that maybe for a part two to this is also the way that body image impacts lesbian relationships, because like we sometimes when like I said, two women are together, it's like you can start feeding off each other.

01:01:46:13 - 01:02:05:21
Unknown
And because women historically have more body image issues, it's like the chances of you both feeling bad in your body at the same time. Or like I think that has to do with lesbian bed death, I think. Or it's like if if you think that you look this way and I'm bigger than you, whatever, then I must be disgust, right?

01:02:05:21 - 01:02:20:06
Unknown
I'm sure people have said that to you when you're when you say things about yourself. I'm like, if you're saying that about yours. Like, what about mine? Mine is bigger than, you know, like, can you not say that? Because that doesn't I don't, and because my mom used to do that. And like I said, we have the same exact body.

01:02:20:06 - 01:02:38:22
Unknown
So it was like, wow. But she would be like, no, you're beautiful and perfect. She never said anything. Of course, she was so loving to me about my body, but our bodies looked exactly the same and you hated yours. So it taught me that mine is also bad. Wow. You know, we go a lot deeper. So tell us where you want us to go.

01:02:38:23 - 01:02:42:06
Unknown
Yeah. Part two. Let us know. We love you. Love you.