E 225 The 5 Levels of Parenting: Discover Where You Stand and How to Improve

In this episode, I sit down with parent coach Mary Kay Garrett, whose mission is to help parents create meaningful, lasting connections with their teens. If you've ever felt stuck in cycles of guilt, frustration, or control as a parent, this conversation will inspire you to make a change.

Mary shares her personal transformation story and reveals practical strategies to help parents:

Understand how their mindset impacts their teen's reality.
Navigate the 5 levels of parenting to become an empowered parent.
Handle conflict with compassion and build trust in their relationships.
She also introduces her free resource, Empowering Conversations: 10 Powerful Scripts to Connect with Your Teen, a must-have tool for creating deeper, more impactful relationships.

🎧 Tune in to learn how to lead with love, raise confident and connected teens, and transform the way you parent.

🌟 Download Mary’s freebie here

📲 Follow Mary at Raising Remarkable Kids:
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Let’s create the future we want for our families—starting today!

 Struggling with anxiety in your family? If anxiety is causing tension, fights, or disconnect in your home, you don’t have to face it alone. I help parents bring more peace, confidence, and connection to their families. Let’s talk—schedule a free consultation today or email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com

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Transcript

Hi, everyone. I have a wonderful guest with us today, and her name is Mary Kay Garrett. And Mary's mission as a parent coach is to support parents to create deep, meaningful connections with their kids, fostering an environment where kids grow up confident, compassionate, and truly understanding the value of connection.

Mary guides parents in letting go of the cycles of guilt and frustration, empowering them to lead with love and confidence. It's all about raising kids who are emotionally strong and genuinely connected to themselves and others. And this is so needed because we do not get a manual on how to do any of this stuff as a parent.

And I, even though I felt like I did a fairly good job, I would have loved to have had someone that could have been walking me through this to make sure that I was, and just maybe trying to get me back on [00:01:00] track. So Mary Kay, thank you for being with us today. And I don't know if that bio was everything that you would want people to know.

If there's anything else you want us to know please let us know. 

Mary Kay Garrett: Well, just I am a parent. I have three kids. They're all now adults. When I went through my own process with this and realizing my kids were very young and then into teenage years. So I love just a quick on how everything got started.

I was very, I was a very type A parent at one point, very controlling and What ended up happening is we were on back 20 years ago. We were on a beach vacation and I found myself in the middle of the living room raging at my kids and I'm like, we're on vacation. The stress is supposed to go away. And in that moment, it just, it just hit me.

I hated the [00:02:00] person raising my kids and that person was me and, and I call it my line of sand moment because I literally went down to the beach and I drew a line in the sand and I stepped across that line and said, from this moment on, I will only treat my kids with compassion, love, and respect. And that was the beginning of my transformation firstly, to have that relationship with my kids and be open to not even knowing what that was going to look like.

But that that compassion, love and respect is what I wanted in our household no matter what. So from that, I, you know, I went did my own work, worked with a coach for quite a long time, then decided that I wanted to go work with other parents. Or actually at that point, it was even I was working with C suite executives.

And what I found in those interactions was most of the time what was happening is if things weren't settled at home, that's what the [00:03:00] conversations were to get them back on track at work anyway. And it was about 2019, 2018. Yeah. I think right around 2019, my kids started coming to me going, mom, you really need to help my parents friend or my friend's parents.

They need you. They are crazy and they're not listening to them. And their relationships are terrible and they want better relationships, but their parents just are in another world. And so that is when I started working, going more into the parenting space, so where I could support and have parents realize that this isn't a one way thing.

thing. Parenting is not one way. It's, it's both ways. And that not only are they learning from us, but we are there, they are our teachers more than anything. And I think that's what I've really learned from my kids, that they are absolutely my teacher [00:04:00] and have been so much part of my transformation as I have with their, you know, their transformations of themselves.

Cynthia: I love that. Now, how does a parent's outlook affect their teen's behavior? How does, how does that work together? 

Mary Kay Garrett: So what, the process I use is very much connected to energy. So, and what I, energy. So if your mindset as a parent is in a gosh, I have no choice, nothing's going right. Everything is a mess.

I can't do anything, then they're, you know, their kids are going to pick up on that. They're, you're, we're their role models. And so if that's how you're going around in, in your day, that's how your kids are going to show up. So they're going to have less confidence, they're not going to know how to handle conflict.

And as you get up, you know, the [00:05:00] levels that I work with are that's the first level is what I call the overwhelmed parent. 

Cynthia: Mm hmm. Which 

Mary Kay Garrett: is in that kind of just nothing's going right. The second level is what I call the authoritarian parents. They're the parents that have to have control. And everything they do is, you know, whether it's blaming or you didn't do that right.

And so when they're in that, and they're still their kids, they're not building confidence. They're not building being empowered because everything's being done for them. So, and then the next level is what I call the good enough parent. And this is the people pleaser, sticky, sweet parent where they're, they're, aware enough to know that that these things and transformation is important, but they're not letting go of their control.

So they really want to everything that they do is to, to still manipulate so things work out [00:06:00] for them. Like they don't handle conflict really well. I had a few years back, I had something with my kids where my daughter had come in from She had been living in Europe and she came in for a week or two and her and my son were just at it.

And so what I did to try to calm the situation, not have the conflict, I told him, I'm like, just play it cool. She'll be gone in a couple days. Just calm down. And what ended up happening the last day, they both realized what was happening and that I was keeping them from this conflict and the entire thing blew up and they didn't talk for a year because I got in the way because I wanted the conflict and instead of being natural and letting it all happen and letting them learn how conflict isn't bad.

Conflict is just working out emotion. So that is, you know, my favorite, [00:07:00] but this is fail. My parenting fail. It's my best parenting fail. Everything's better now. But then the next level is the nurturing parent where you really have everybody's best interest. The challenge with that one is that they are doing everything and they may get exhausted.

And when they get exhausted, it's the parent goes down to Wow, I do everything around here and nobody cares. I don't ever get a thank you. So that's even a level the where you want to be with your parenting is you want to be an empowered parents that highest level where you are in that give and take.

You are creating opportunities for them to learn and grow and then instead of giving advice or telling them what they have to do, you work together. So they do learn that whole problem solving. They learn that conflict is just getting emotions out and looking at other people's perspectives. Mm 

Cynthia: [00:08:00] hmm. I love that.

Well, if a parent is listening to this and they realized that they're not the empowered parent, but they're one of those others, how do they go about changing that to become more as of an empowered parent? 

Mary Kay Garrett: You know, it's really looking at those situations when you can understand when you have those, when you're like, am I feeling like I'm, I don't have choice.

So the first step in all of this and all of transformation is really having that awareness and saying, okay, I see that I'm here. What steps can I take out and the first two levels when you're in that or the authoritarian, it's the first thing you want to do is you want to take action in some form or fashion.

Even if you're in that lower level, getting out of this, the situation, walking, taking a walk outside, you know, doing something that's stepping away. [00:09:00] Another thing is, and, and I will say this all does take a lot of practice, but even in So having a conversation and saying, you know, to your kid, your child or your spouse saying, This is how I'm feeling right now.

It's not, it's not great. I'm not sure why I'm here, but I am here. And I just, I want you to know. So one of my biggest things with my clients is hold yourself accountable for where you are. It's okay. If you're feeling down and you're having a really bad day. Don't, don't, don't bring other people into it though.

I'm having a bad day so I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna go yell at my kids. And what I'll do if I'm in that space, I'm like, guys, I'm really in this low place. And even just acknowledging it shifts. If I yell at you, if I do something like that it's not it's not you. It just really is not you. So, just to let you know, this is where I am, I'm going to work with it, and I'm going to move [00:10:00] forward.

Or if you're blaming, wait a minute, no, that's on me. I take, I take responsibility for it. So you know, letting them know what, excuse me, one of my favorite sayings, if not the, is what people say is about them, what you hear is about you. 

Cynthia: I love that. That's so perfect. 

Mary Kay Garrett: So when you're in a conversation or you're in a conflict with somebody say, wait a minute, what they're telling me is it's, It's not me.

If I, you know, said to you, wow, you know what? You are, you know, you're a, I'm going to use it. You're an ax murderer. Cynthia, you're, you're smiling. It's not something you believe, but with parents, the one, if I say, you know what? You're a really bad mom. Is that if you believe it [00:11:00] yourself, so what are you hearing?

Are you hearing? I'm an ax murderer. Yeah, right. I'm a bad mom. If you're believing it, that's what you get to work on. So if your kids are, you know, in an argument with you and they're saying, mom, I hate you, I hate you. Where is it that you believe in it? It's like, wait a minute. No, I am not. And having that reinforcement and saying that's not true because what that does is it takes you to a neutral space.

To say, to then look back and say, okay, what's in their world that they're saying these things? What's, what happened at school today? Did they, is it a bad test? Did they have a run in with something? Were they just having a tired day? And then digging in, because so much of the time when we go into conflict, It's all about, well, they're, you know, they're upsetting me.

They're calling me names. They're, you know, they're doing this. Where if we just took the time to [00:12:00] say, wait a minute, let's Let's just stop for a minute. What's really going on in your world? 

Cynthia: I just 

Mary Kay Garrett: want to know you can be screaming, yelling me. I want to know what's going on in your world because this isn't like you.

Something's there. And so instead of taking it all personally as a parent, when we interact with our kids that it means something, dig in because it's probably something that happened to them within really the last 24 hours. 

Cynthia: Mhm. Oh, I love that so much. When you were talking about being honest with your kids about I'm not in a good place right now, or, you know, I'm, you know, having a hard time dealing with things right now, I used to have really bad PMS.

And during that time, I would, and it wasn't every month, but a lot of months, I could, Tell this like irrational anger, like weird stuff that I just, I like, I would just sit around and just be so angry about nothing. And so I would always tell my kids, you know, [00:13:00] this week, I'm probably going to say some really weird stuff.

And so I want you to ignore me. Because I knew that something was gonna be said that because I would just be so mad and like feel like I was out of control and I didn't want them to take anything personally. And I feel like it helped because then they were like, Oh, yeah, mom's there's mom again. The her thing where she has problems.

Yeah, I feel like it was. That's helpful. And I do think we should be honest with our kids about, we're struggling with something or this is really hard for me, I need to take a break or because we want them to do that too. I used to tell kids in the, well, I tell them that still now, but in the school system, I remember as a school counselor, they would come to my office and complain about fights with their parents or something.

And I would say, you know, and they would say that they'd said mean things or broke things or whatever during this. Fight and I said, well, have you ever just taken a break and said, I, I just need to take a break right [00:14:00] now so that some of those things don't get said, or you don't do some of those things and they said, well, my parents says, don't you walk away from me while I'm talking to you.

And I said, well, we need to, you know, educate parents to that walking away, especially if you're asking in a respectful way, I need to take a break right now. I need to go for a walk. I need to go to my room. I need to whatever is okay, because that's how they're regulating themselves. And so I think that's something that parents may be, I always felt like they needed education on that.

Mary Kay Garrett: Yeah. Oh, totally. Yeah, because they do they get into the heat of the moment and it's we have a hard time stopping when we're in the heat of the moment. 

Cynthia: So 

Mary Kay Garrett: one of the things I really work on with parents when we start together is that it's It's all in the planning. So if you've got a parent that is, you know, just losing their temper, but they're willing to work with this, it's [00:15:00] like, what is your plan when you get into these conflicts?

How are you going to, what are the steps that you're going to go through when you're there? Because the more you can, you know, if you're having a screaming match with your, you know, being the bigger, the adult and saying, wait, this isn't what we want to do. This isn't where we want to go. And, and backing off.

And it works in so many situations. I had a parent that was just so frustrated with her teens because they'd go out for the night and then they'd get a call at 1130 at night, come pick me up. And she was so frustrated. I'm like, why don't you set all of this up before the event happens? You have a plan.

So, and, and to also put it into your teens. hands. This is the, this is what you get to do. If you're going to go out tonight, you get to figure out who's going to get you there. Who's going to, what time you're going to be home and who's going to bring you home. [00:16:00] Or if you need me to come get you, you tell what time is it right now.

So you don't have all those frustrating moments. When you're in that moment that it turns up into a mess. So the more you can plan out and work out these situations, you know, maybe take a list. What are those frustrating moments that you have with your team? And walk through how do we start handling these things now when the emotion isn't there?

So you're like, Oh, okay, this is where we go. This is how we work. 

Cynthia: Oh, that's perfect, because I do the same thing with my clients about making a plan for anxiety when they're totally calm and everything's fine, because then when they get into that panic or anxiety time, when their brain starts shutting down, then they're still able to access this plan that we created.

Even if, if you're just trying to come up with steps, all of a sudden, when you are in anxiety, panic, anger frustration, [00:17:00] all of that, like. That thinking part of your brain doesn't work. So I love that you're doing that too with the parents planning ahead. Well, one of my questions was going to be give an example of how a parent changed their behavior that changed the.

The child, the teenager's behavior. And it sounds like that was a good example. One good example, anyway, where the parent planned ahead. So then there isn't this frustration and, and maybe the team isn't frustrated then because there's a plan in place. So do you have other good examples of where a parent changes and it changes the team?

Mary Kay Garrett: Yeah. Like when you're, if you're in conflict and you feel like things are, are raising, Really take a moment like what I'll what I'll do with my kids is it's like, okay, let's let's sit down and talk about this. So instead of being in it, it's like, let's go over and say, tell me what's going on with you first, why, you know, where are we, what is this, but to really let them, you know, one of the [00:18:00] things I found with parenting, listening, listening is the game changer, where we really, truly start listening to our kids and not Making up the next thing we're going to say or the advice we're going to give them and, you know, being in leadership.

One of those things is letting them do the talking. Let it giving the the reins over to them. So, you know, I especially. You know, one of my, my, you know, leading to the anxiety. I have a daughter, my youngest daughter has had a lot of issues with anxiety and I spent time and time again where I wanted to fix it.

I had to fix it. I'm a coach. I should be able to fix my daughter. Yeah. And, and it was. As we started working through it, it became, okay, what do you need for me? Who do I get to be? Who can I be for you? So that we do that. And she's like, mom, I just want you to hold my hand. [00:19:00] And so it's when you're in those moments, get really curious about what they need and what's going on.

Because again, what they say is about them, what we hear is about us. So take that out of the equation. And let's put the focus on them and what is it that we can do to support them. 

Cynthia: Hmm. I love that. Well, it makes me think about the freebie that you have for our audience is that you have some scripts for them to follow.

So tell us a little bit about that. I 

Mary Kay Garrett: do. I mean, you have the, I have the, so it's empowering 10 scripts to connect with your team. And I did this because they were having these there were situations that were happening and parents, they just didn't know how to handle it. So what I did is I wrote this, it's it's pretty, it's about almost 60 pages of conversations and how you have those conversations.

And it's funny because [00:20:00] I tested it and I gave it to a couple of teens and they're like, no, this, this is not the conversation. So they helped me. They supported me as I actually. Built this. So it sounded like something that was very authentic and, you know, conversation on social media is one of them. When you don't want your kids on social media, how do you have that conversation dealing with failure, helping them with failure or rejection engaging with your team when all they do is give you a one word response.

Cynthia: That's perfect. Yes, I remember that so well. 

Mary Kay Garrett: Yeah. Screen time handling academic pressure because that's such a huge thing. Handling disrespectful behavior, behavior chores, how do you get your kids to do chores? What's that like? High emotion conversations curfews, and then peer pressure.

Those are the different scripts, then it kind of walks you through what are the main purposes, what do you, what are the goal of those [00:21:00] conversations, and then it kind of gives you an outline of what that conversation can look like from the empowered parent mindset. 

Cynthia: I love that. Now, if their relationship with their teen has been off kilter, off the rails, a mess for a long time, I'm sure there is some time that needs to, I mean, they have to kind of build a trust and yeah.

Away for that, like they're going to have to do maybe some smaller things or just spending time without talking about anything with something that their teen probably enjoys to kind of get that going so that they can have some of these conversations. I'm guessing. 

Mary Kay Garrett: Absolutely. Absolutely. Being present, not just being with them, but being present, 

Cynthia: you know, with, 

Mary Kay Garrett: As my kids look back for me when I was at work, I was in an entrepreneur when they were very young age and I was a stay at home mom and they would say to me, they were like, mom, yeah, yeah.

You were always there, but you weren't present. [00:22:00] 

Cynthia: Yeah. 

Mary Kay Garrett: So that's the one thing they want. They want your full attention. So what you want to do is if you can, you know, spend five minutes a day just chatting with them, just being, you know, and if they're ignoring you, say they're playing a video, then just be in the room, but not be reading or sitting on your phone, but be present where you're watching what they're doing, where you're showing interest in who they are.

That will take them just. Light years, just showing them that you're interested because that's typically what happens when you start having, you know, when the relationship starts going bad, you're not listening to him. You're not understanding them. They're not seeing being seen, heard or valued. 

Cynthia: Mhm. 

Mary Kay Garrett: So start doing that.

I always recommend, hey, you know, even once, you know, if you can take them out to lunch, like once a month or go on a hike with them. So you have that uninterrupted time where you're not [00:23:00] on your phone, you know, because if you're going to be on your phone. You know, we all get mad at our kids for being on their phones, but then we go do the same behavior, right?

And so show them that you really are focused on your relationship with them and it will, it's, it'll, it'll happen. Mm hmm. 

Cynthia: I used to like to watch my kids play video games because I was terrible at them and I could never get to the next level. Yeah. I was like, Oh, what happens in the next level? I want to see, cause you can figure it out.

And, and they would tell me, you know, sometimes I'd say, well, what's this character doing and what's your mission or what are you supposed to be picking up? Or, you know, cause I like the puzzle part or like the, it's almost like the mystery of the puzzle. Video game, like what's their mission? What are they supposed to be doing?

And even though I was never good at them and probably wouldn't have wanted to play, I did like video games, but not the ones they liked. I probably wouldn't have wanted to play them, but it was fun to watch them. And it was a way they really enjoyed telling me the story [00:24:00] about what was happening in the game.

So that, that can really work. So you are a parent coach. So how do parents find you and get in touch with you? How do they learn to work with you? 

Mary Kay Garrett: So, my site is Raising Remarkable Kids. And you can go out there and that's where you can also get the the script is out there. You can reach out to me, you can contact me, even if you just wanna, you know, like, do a just a discovery call to find out more.

I'm on Instagram. Raising remarkable kids. I've got a Facebook group out there and yeah, just reach out and either DM me or through my website and I'd love to just chat with you and see, you know, what are your challenges? It's I really, I am a stand for the kids. It's, you know, the more my mission is really to change the trajectory of parenting generationally.

So if we [00:25:00] raise our kids to be confident, connected, compassionate, they're going to pass that on to your grandkids and their, you know, so it'll, it, this changes generations. And so it's such a beautiful thing when we can all really feel valued. 

Cynthia: Mm hmm. I love that so much. Well, thank you for Mary Kay for being with us.

This is so needed and definitely please reach out to her and see how she can help you with these conversations and relationships with your teens because it's so important. 

Mary Kay Garrett: It is, and it's so rewarding when you, the relationship I now have with my kids, where, especially as a teen, if you can get them to the point that they, they, you are the first person that they come to when something's going wrong, that you're there to support them through whatever the issue might be.

It's. It's gold. It's just, you know, and you know, my kids are young adults. That's the [00:26:00] relationship we have together. And it's just incredible. Just incredible. 

Cynthia: I know. I enjoy my adult children and I probably enjoy them because I enjoyed them when they were teens. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for being with us.

Mary Kay Garrett: Thank you for having me. 

Cynthia: Sure.