E 231 Parenting an Anxious Teen? Here’s What Works

Parenting an Anxious Teen: What You Need to Know

Is your teen struggling with anxiety? Do you feel unsure about how to help them without making things worse? In this episode of The Teen Anxiety Maze, I’ll break down what every parent needs to know about supporting an anxious teen—without overstepping or adding more stress.

You'll learn:
✅ The key signs of anxiety in teens (and what they really mean)
✅ How to respond in a way that helps, not hurts
✅ The #1 mistake parents make when trying to "fix" anxiety
✅ Simple, effective strategies to help your teen build resilience

Parenting an anxious teen is challenging, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Watch now to gain the tools and confidence to support your teen’s mental health.

Follow Duygu Balan:
Website:  https://www.duygubalan.com/
Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/duygubalan
Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/duygu.balan.5
LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/duygubalan/

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 Struggling with anxiety in your family? If anxiety is causing tension, fights, or disconnect in your home, you don’t have to face it alone. I help parents bring more peace, confidence, and connection to their families. Let’s talk—schedule a free consultation today or email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com

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Transcript

Hi, everyone. Thank you for joining me with the Teen Anxiety Maze. And today, I have a guest that I want to introduce you to. Her name is Duyugu Balan, and she is a LPCC. And I don't remember what all those stand for, but she can tell us more about that. I can also put it in the show notes, so you do know.

I know that it has to do with being licensed. And there's lots of these acronyms that different people have. And so sometimes I forget what all of them are, but she is an author and a psychotherapist, and she specializes in intergenerational trauma. And I think that's so fascinating because working in the education system for 31 years, there was we did talk about trauma at the beginning of my career because.

People hadn't studied it enough or hadn't come up with some of the information that we have now, but probably in the last 10 ish years of my career, we really [00:01:00] studied trauma a lot and talked about how we could be trauma informed and how our school. Could best help people who had experienced trauma. And so I think it'll be really fascinating to talk about those things.

She is based in San Francisco, but she does kind of travel between San Francisco and New York with the work that she is doing. She has written I said she was an author and she's written several books and I have. Kind of had a chance to look at maybe one of her latest ones. So it's a workbook and she and I can talk about that too.

And already as I'm looking through it, I'm like, Oh, there's so much good stuff in here that I could help. Can I could use with my own clients because it has to do with anxiety. So. Do you go? Thank you for being with us today. Thank you so much. This is an honor. I'm glad to be here. Yes. Well, tell us a little bit more about yourself.

I just kind of did a [00:02:00] brief, you know, who are you and why are you here today? But tell us a little bit more about why did you get into this field and what are you learning? And then we'll kind of talk about how does it relate to my audience with anxiety and then young people. 

Duygu Balan: Yeah, so I as you mentioned, I'm a psychotherapist and the letters behind my name do indicate that I'm licensed.

And I specialize in familial trauma and attachment wounding. And I've been in this field for many years. I started my career working with youth offenders in the Bronx and with marginalized populations. And from that moment on, I couldn't imagine doing anything other than. Working very deeply with trauma and, my first workbook was rewrite. It was a trauma workbook around and about creative expression. And I think the way that you know my work relates to the work that you do is because after. The [00:03:00] pandemic and especially because my practice is mostly young adults, new adults who are kind of beginning the to enter the job market and which is very tough right now.

I decided to come up with a more structured workbook for them. It's called Confidently Chill, and it's geared for teens and young adults. And it's a book that is has a lot of psychological theory, because a lot of times we don't even know what these, you know, labels mean. And also, it also is a book that will help people to advocate for themselves, especially now when mental health.

Services are not accessible for everyone. I felt like it was so important to create a space for people where they can take their mental health in their own hands, and they don't have to rely on tick tock or the Internet, because a lot of misdiagnosis [00:04:00] happens in these platforms, but I wanted to have. An artifact, something where they can find information as well as holistic tools and resources so that they can, you know, advocate 

Cynthia: for themselves.

I love that because I am noticing with a lot of the young people that I'm talking to is that the waiting list to get help is so long sometimes. And they're really suffering and they want something that can, can help them. So I can see them being able to, if this is some, something they can look at and work through while they're waiting to go maybe get more there, because sometimes you still need that you need kind of to be walking alongside it.

with someone, but at least they have something that they can go to while they're waiting or trying to figure out some of the things on their own. And I've loved self help my whole life, I think. And so I could see that I was always looking for [00:05:00] what can I read and what kind of workbooks can I do so that I can be the best person that I can be.

And I could see that there would be a lot of young people that would be interested in doing that. Now, you mentioned TikTok and getting, you know, a lot of self diagnosis, and I'm noticing that a lot with young people too, that they're seeing videos or experiencing different things on social media and saying, Oh my gosh, I have this disease, this disease.

And, you know, they're, they're saying that they have all of these things and, and maybe they do have some components to some of these things, but maybe they don't. And and then because they're misdiagnosing themselves, kind of there may be. Trying to treat it in ways that is not helpful to them.

So you're seeing that too, obviously. And then how, how is social media kind of in general affecting these young Gen Z and the alpha as they come up and some of these newer generations as they've lived [00:06:00] with social media, their whole lives. 

Duygu Balan: Yes, I mean, that's, I think, definitely a very important topic, especially Gen Alpha is getting there but for Gen Z specifically, which I mostly see them in my practice, it's, it's so interesting because in some ways, social media allows for them to To have more access to different life experiences and the people around the world, and they have become much more sensitive compared to previous generations for the struggles of the world.

They are so much more in tune with climate change, with political turmoil with equality, and they're so much aware. And they also don't shy away from talking about their own mental health struggles and mental health struggles in general. In that sense, I think it's very important that it allows access.

They find communities, like minded people [00:07:00] through social media at the same time because there is so much information and because we all have traits of depression, we all have traits of anxiety. These are all, you know, evolutionarily necessary states that it's so easy to kind of label yourself. And it can turn into a self fulfilling prophecy as well, right?

When we're reading all these symptoms and what it means to be depressed, we can actually make ourselves even more depressed or even more anxious and also engage in behaviors or. Treatments that are not really necessary for us or get overwhelmed and not seek the help we need. So there's so many different ways that it can actually create a barrier to access and to really get the help we need and to advocate for ourselves that it's a really difficult balance.[00:08:00] 

Cynthia: Mm hmm. Well, and I'm glad you're talking about balance. I was going to ask you about what parents can do, but I do see that There's some parents that just want to ban phones or ban, you know, social media altogether, and I get the fear of, I don't know what's going to happen, so I just don't want to do it at all, but I feel like that's not good either, because even if you ban it completely, At some point, they become adults where they're going to be able to do whatever they want and they're going to want to have it probably.

And then they're going to have no idea what to do with it or boundaries or ideas or, you know, like they're not going to have like skills to deal with things if they've never seen it until then. But then I also see people giving it to them too young where they have access to everything at a young age and they don't know what to do with that either.

So what do you say to parents about like, like maybe some guidelines or how do you help families navigate that? 

Duygu Balan: Yes. So I [00:09:00] use my own experience a lot. I use myself in my sessions a lot. I think you know, the therapist themselves is a tool in, in, in the relationship. So I'm a parent and my son is a gen alpha and the language around that is amazing.

I love the language and it's, it's very tricky. And I'm noticing as a parent myself that You know, the boundaries that you have to put are just the stakes are getting higher. So when he was very little, you know, it was things like sugar and screens and TV. And you know, other families have different boundaries around these things and you don't want to be the parent who doesn't allow for sugar during Halloween.

Right. You don't want to be that. But you like, but also like, I really valued healthy eating. I really valued you know, him getting the nutrition that he needs and not having too much sugar. So, that at that time, it was, you know, allowing for, like, you know, in birthdays, you can have a [00:10:00] cupcake or you know, I'm not going to deprive you in social settings, but at home, we don't.

Buy candy kind of thing. So that's a little easier. But now with with social media and it because also you are preventing access. That's how they connect with their friends. They play video games online. They look at each other's social media. So how do you do that? That's a very you know, tricky balance.

And in my personal life, I talked to my kid. I, I tell him the, Kind of like implications and the damage the damaging effect of these things in how consuming and addictive they are and how they are designed to be this. And I think, you know, having open conversations, our children know much more than we think they do, and they're actually, like, when you talk to them as adults, like adults, and you actually explain the [00:11:00] reason behind why you think, you know, certain things have to be limited, instead of just taking it away and kind of doing like a, you know, top down kind of a, You know, dynamic including them in like, how can we make sense of this?

How can we design our lives together in a way that it's going to make sure that you grow in a healthy way, but also don't get excluded from your social life. So it requires constant reassessment and constant negotiation. So we make him a part of his own experience with it. And for us, it has worked.

And for many parents that I talk to informing the child and, and including them in the decisions about themselves, especially when they're teenagers, because they're becoming autonomous. They want their independence, and you want their independence. 

Cynthia: So, yeah. I love that. Yeah, because then they're learning [00:12:00] how to have that balance with support.

Then they will hopefully continue to do that as an adult, having the balance of that. And I'm glad you mentioned video games too, because a lot of times people say a lot of bad things about video games too, or they don't allow them, or they're, you know, they really Restrictions on them. And I remember enjoying video games.

Now, my, when I was growing up, it was like Atari and it wasn't like really that exciting. Like it was really blocked characters and stuff. I remember really liking them. And even as a young adult and mid adult, I still enjoyed them. And. I just had to figure out ways to balance that in my life, like I can enjoy the video games, and then I'm also going to read a book, and I'm also going to see people, and I'm also going to run my household, and you know, like, finding ways to do that, like, have it fun, and so I think balance is probably always important in all of these things.

One of the questions that you suggested that [00:13:00] I'm going to be fascinated about because of working in the school system, Was about how can schools and workplaces build cultures of inclusivity, deter bullying and promote respect. Tell me about that because we're always in the school setting setting anyway, the leaders in the school and the parents as well are always wanting bullying to go away and they want the school to put a stop to it.

And, you know, so tell me, like, what are your ideas about that? I love it. 

Duygu Balan: So, I think the most important part of it is in schools to make sure that there is enough support for children who need the extra support. I, what I see a lot of times is that. Some children, so everyone has different needs and if the education system is tailored in a way where it's very generalized and meets the certain student's ideal student's [00:14:00] needs, it's not going to actually work and it's not going to support kids who have different needs, different learning ways and different, you know, Cultural backgrounds that is, I think, very important to make sure that we are equipped to address the differences in needs and the differences and backgrounds and also, especially for marginalized communities, they feel very unseen and they also don't trust the school system or the health care system.

And I think to enable to be able to kind of create this trust, we have to have. Communication and we have to have their lived experiences and their stories. We have to listen to their stories instead of, you know, telling how things are going to be so very similar to what I was just saying about raising children in a, in a kind of a bigger perspective.

It's the same. We are [00:15:00] designing. Education system without really hearing needs of certain cultural groups, certain so that I think is very important. We have to make sure that everyone has a voice and there, there's flexibility and adjustments.

Cynthia: I love that. And I do think that's what I was seeing too, is that we are missing that piece and I'm not sure if it's, if the leadership of the school is seeing that as a financial issue, you know, to hire people that can do these different things, or it's. Complete restructuring of the school, which they're not sure how to do that either.

I'm not really, you know, I don't know what causes that to be a barrier and that they don't get that done. But so in the workplace, it's probably similar than where we need to be able to, to accommodate for all sorts of differences in the workplace as well. 

Duygu Balan: It is, but I think this, this [00:16:00] can start in a micro level, it doesn't necessarily have to be this huge systematic change because it can't, but even if it's in a, in like a kind of a micro level where there is at least curiosity, where there's at least a desire to understand someone else's experience and that Feeling of being seen is actually what we all long for and what we all thrive in so that will even make a change.

Right? Like in a work setting, for instance, being interested in someone else's experience and not relying on assumption, but relying on open conversation. I think that is the way that this is going to begin to change. And then that's how people will start feeling more compassionate and having more understanding towards one another.

It will make sure that the, you know stigmas that we have the prejudices and discrimination that we have [00:17:00] with information, right? Information changes all these things when we know people. The experiences and when we are open for vulnerability and communication, those, you know, negative discrimination and credit all those thought processes that we have also kind of.

Become diminished and they, that's how change happens. 

Cynthia: Yeah, I love that. And I do know that there are, there's certainly movements going in that way. And I know those were things, those were talks that we were having at my school before I was before I left there, that we were trying to do some of those things.

So I do think schools are trying to figure this out and I hope that, you know, they continue to do that. Another thing that my. All my clients that I have are, are trying to manage their anxiety. And since I work with teenagers and some college age students, they have to do public speaking at some point.

Like [00:18:00] they either have to do it in high school as one of those required credits to graduate. College usually has that as one of the requirements, some somewhere along the way to get that out of the way. And public speaking is the biggest fear of. All humans, I think like that's one of the, the main ones.

I think one time I read that people almost fear public speaking more than dying. So that's like a pretty huge. So one of the things you said is that you have some practical strategies that people can use. And like those kind of what, what is considered high stress situations. So tell us about some of those.

Yes. 

Duygu Balan: Yeah, public speaking is definitely a big one I'm preparing for, for a presentation right now. And I do have like a, some anxiety around it and it's definitely something that I am still working on. I think the way public for to, you know, public speaking, the only way. To learn [00:19:00] it. You can't learn it.

There's no way other than doing it. You just have to do it. And that's how you kind of start getting more comfortable. One thing is, I think, you know it's important to make sure that our bodies is calm, right? Like, I always use and I always. Suggest for people who have anxieties in for public speaker, but even like just social anxiety, even just like sometimes for some people, let alone public speaking speaking to another parents during drop off is anxiety provoking.

So 1 thing that I like to do is to have grounding techniques. So this means. For instance when we are stepping into the world that creates anxiety or a stage to make sure that we orient ourselves, right? Like my feet are on the ground. Like, this is the, the space that I'm in, kind of noticing the space and figuring out an anchor.

I usually advise for the anchor to not be something that moves. So it's not [00:20:00] going to be the fan. And also not something imperfect, like not like a crack in the wall or something like that but some like a painting or something and then whenever there is like a, a feeling of feeling dysregulated to just give that a quick glance.

So, you know, this is my anchor and I'm here, that kind of a feeling. And also to bring awareness to the body we hold a lot of tension in our jaw and our neck, but, you know, people have tension, different areas, wherever that is, just to notice that and allow for some relaxation, maybe like, you know, rolling your neck or something like that.

And, of course, breeding, because we only breed short when we are in danger and a lot of times. On stage, we start breathing really short, right, like, and our breath gets very kind of rapid, and that is when you maybe take a moment and you do even a one breath of deep breathing, and then you will notice [00:21:00] that your body calms, and you will able to pick up, because when we are under stress, and we are breathing heavily, we can't really think rationally, and we can't speak, so we first have to make sure that we're breathing.

Cynthia: I love that. I I went to do more public speaking and, and it doesn't totally scare me, but at the same time, whenever I've gone to do any public speaking and I get on stage, I'm always have like, so nervous before I'm getting out there. Then somehow I almost go numb and don't remember anything about the rest of the thing.

And so sometimes I afterwards, I'm like, I think that went well. I don't really remember what just happened, but. You know, most of the time it's good. I just always, like, I like to have things so scripted and yet I don't like how it feels you know, like I'm reading something or whatever. I want it to be just really natural and recently I watched a webinar because I want to get better at the skill and she said [00:22:00] you just tell a series of stories And she said, yo, they're your stories, so you'll remember them.

So it's not like you have to like have this script and yet the stories and people really resonate with stories. And she said, you could just like put a bunch of stories together and you have a speech and people will really be interested in it. So I thought, well. That does make me feel a little bit better because I wouldn't mind telling a story about myself, and I know the story, you know, like I don't have to have notes about what happens next, so I'm going to try to use some of that, but I do think you know, it kind of depends on what is scaring you probably about the speech.

Is it about, you know, feeling like you're going to pass out or the nausea and your stuff? Stomach or is it, you know, just like thinking you're going to forget stuff. But yeah, I talked to my clients all the time about when you are in anxiety, part of your brain shuts down, like that thinking, planning, learning part.

And that's why test anxiety is [00:23:00] so tricky because when they get anxious, then all of that stuff that they would be needing to retrieve during the test is kind of. foggy or messy because they are experiencing too much anxiety. So we talk about grounding techniques too and try different ones because some people like some better than others.

Well, I'm definitely going to put all of your information in the show notes and links to your books and links to your website. And so do you. Take clients and do you only take them in certain areas? Cause I know when you're licensed, sometimes you can only work with people in certain states or whatever.

So if somebody that's listening, wanted to work with you, what would they need to do? 

Duygu Balan: So, yes, I do work with clients right now. I'm licensed in New York, New York and in California. So, that's where my practice is. So, they would have to be in California or in New York, but I'm happy to talk to [00:24:00] anyone and I'm very resourceful.

So I can direct people if they need direction. I think it's really important that we. First, do the 1st step, you know, even if I can't take on a client, it's important that we actually reach out and make the decision. So yeah, I'm happy to direct anyone who's interested in working on themselves. I think that's the most important thing.

And as I said, I mean, I do have a lot of. Tools and confident, which as well as we write, they're both designed in a way that they can either be supplements to therapy, or they can be self exploration and creative expression. And they have a lot of tools and practices in 

Cynthia: them. So I can, I can say that that's true as I've looked through it.

I'm like, Oh my gosh, there's so many good things in here. And I like to use journaling prompts and stuff with my clients and, and there was just really good stuff in there. So I'm [00:25:00] excited to, to share it with my clients. Is there anything else that you want my audience to know today? 

Duygu Balan: I don't think so. I think we covered like, we went kind of like all over around.

Cynthia: I know. I really, I appreciate you so much being here and I can't wait for some of my audience to be able to experience your books and things that you're doing and thank you for being with us. 

Duygu Balan: Thank you so much for doing what you're doing. 

Cynthia: Oh, thank you.