E 267 The Truth About Why You Can’t Relax on Vacation

 Ever been on vacation and felt anxious — even though everything should be perfect? You’re not alone.

In this episode, I share why vacations can actually trigger anxiety for people who thrive on structure and routine. You’ll learn how to find the right balance between freedom and predictability, so you can finally relax and enjoy your time away.

🌴 In this episode:

Why unstructured time makes some people anxious

The difference between healthy routine and rigid control

How to create “routine anchors” on vacation

Simple ways to feel calm when everything around you changes

If you’ve ever thought, “What’s wrong with me? I’m supposed to be relaxing!” — This episode will help you understand and manage that anxious feeling.

💬 Join Parenting Through the Maze: — A community for parents raising anxious teens
https://www.betterregulatethannever.com/parenting-through-the-maze

#AnxietyCoach #VacationAnxiety #ParentingTeens 

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Transcript

 Ever been on a vacation and felt anxious. Like you're supposed to be relaxing and it's beautiful, but you just can't settle in and something just feels off. Yeah. Well, me too, and I just finally realized that on a vacation we went on just a few weeks ago. You always, well, I always look forward to vacations and something new, but.

When I get ready to go on them, and especially when I'm on them, then it just feels weird. And I, I really spent a lot of time thinking about it on this vacation, like, what is wrong with me? Why am I feeling like this? And I think I got it figured out. And it's just that I love routines and schedules and in my life here, working in my office and in my day-to-day life.

I have certain things that I do. I have routines of [00:01:00] things that start my day during the day, end my day. I do things at certain times, I eat certain things, and I like that. It feels good to me. And I realize that on a vacation, all of that is up in the air and there's all this uncertainty and what's gonna happen.

And I was feeling really sad about it because. My husband wasn't having any trouble at all feeling, uh, relaxed and having fun, and then he was kind of looking at me like, what is wrong with you? Why aren't you, you know? And then I think he's thinking, I'm not enjoying the vacation, which I was. It was just that I was sort of on edge and just felt kind of stressed out.

So I started really looking into this, like what is going on? And I realized it really is this routine thing and I think other people feel the same way. I posted about it on social media and I got a lot of responses about people saying that [00:02:00] they felt the same way. So I thought, well. I am an anxiety coach.

I should talk about what happens when you go on a vacation and maybe you kind of have your anxiety under control in a regular life, but then you go somewhere or something disrupts your schedule, and then there's that anxiety again.

So here's what I tried on the vacation that really worked for me. So each night before we went to bed, we talked about the next day. What is the next day gonna look like? What time are we gonna leave to go on the excursion or the thing that we want to look at or do that day? What is kind of a general time?

Like what are the events that we're gonna do? What time might we be back here? What is our plan for when we get back to our. Resort and it was so helpful because then I had something to plan around, something to [00:03:00] anticipate, and knew that this, then this, then this, and I could kind of picture it in my head and I felt so much better.

And I don't need everything to be planned. I totally get how that's also a problem. And my husband doesn't like to plan a lot of things, and I want him to also be doing things that's comfortable for him. And so when I knew, like the general idea of what we were gonna be doing that day, then the pockets of time that weren't planned.

I was okay with them not being planned, and then he could throw in the little things that he was thinking about and wanting to do, and it became a really good mix. And it's funny because we've been married 14 years and we've been on different vacations, but this is the first one where I really understood why I was feeling off.

I think before I just felt off, but I pretended like I wasn't feeling off. And so I, I just. Knew that this was something that would be helpful [00:04:00] to you as someone seeking support and relief for anxiety. One of the things that I, I listen to a lot of podcasts. I, I read and listen to a lot of books and they always give me ideas either to connect with something that I want to do for an episode or gives me an idea for a whole new episode.

But while I was thinking about this episode, I listened to some of Brene Brown's new podcasts about her book, stronger Ground. Strong Ground, stronger Ground. Whichever it is. It's it. I'm sure I haven't read it yet, I'm ready to. But she was talking about, and she's talked about this concept before in other areas, it's not just about her new book, but about near and far enemies.

Of something, and it's really a Buddhist concept, but like the idea is that every quality or every value has two enemies. It has a far enemy, which is an [00:05:00] obvious opposite of that value or that idea. And then a near enemy. That's something that looks similar, but actually is undermining of that value.

And she was actually talking about, I think it was routines in this, um, episode and her and, um.

Brene Brown and wow. Adam Grant, we're talking about near and far enemies of routine. And if you think about the far enemy or the opposite of routine is chaos. And so total unpredictability, no plans whatsoever, like to me, constant decision fatigue because there would be so many things to decide just like, just things willy-nilly and I can't even imagine that. But that's the opposite of routine. The near enemy of routine is rigidity, which means [00:06:00] that you cannot veer from your plan. And I don't see myself as a rigid person. Now. I know people in my life that would probably say I'm definitely more rigid than I should be, or definitely more rigid than they are, but.

I feel like I have a pretty healthy balance of I, I know I need the routine in order to be productive and get things done and to feel good, which is important. If that's true for me, then I need to be able to do that. But I also don't wanna be like, we have to do, you know, this minute and this minute, and this minute has to be these ways where I can't handle it because that's not fair to other people who are in my life.

So the near enemy. A routine is rigidity, and I don't think I have that, but I have to be careful of that. So that's what it means by thinking about these enemies, is that you don't wanna go too far into that side where it actually undermines the idea of having a routine. 'cause routines are actually really good.

[00:07:00] The balance that I'm going for is a flexible structure, and that's really what my day-to-day routine is about. I always structure free time where I do whatever I want during that time and I don't plan what that is going to be. And I like, I. I like being spontaneous in those times because I have this block of time where I can be spontaneous and I can do it and it's fun, but I like knowing that it's there.

If I have a whole entire day of I don't know what's going on, it's really hard for me to figure out what it is I want to do or what I should be doing. And so I like having some structure to that, but I also like being flexible, so in the, in the vacation. We ended up putting flexible structure in there where I knew about some of the things that were happening, and then we had these pockets of unstructured time, and now I know that whenever I go on a vacation, I just need to have like a structure in [00:08:00] place and then we can play around with the spontaneity in between those times.

The far enemy of spontaneity is the same rigidity. So if you're spontaneous, the opposite of that is being very rigid in, um, not allowing anything to veer from your routine or your plans. But the near enemy of spontaneity is anxious unpredictability. And so that like. Uneasiness. I kept feeling because I didn't know what was next, was an enemy to spontaneity because I didn't have a pocket or a place for the spontaneity.

It was just all over the place. And then I just felt unsettled and then I really couldn't go with the flow or be spontaneous because I was so worried about the structure. And so. It's like I was [00:09:00] planning my freedom and I really see my daily schedule and routine as freedom. Because when my days are scheduled and I know what to expect, I get so much done and I have a lot more free time.

'cause the times that are scheduled, I know what I'm doing during those times and I'm not like spinning around trying to figure out what to do. I already know what I'm doing. I get it done and then I have this, this block of free time that I get to do what I want with so. If you're like me and you feel off on vacations, probably because of unpredictability of like what's going on and you feel anxious about it, here's some things that you can do to feel good on your vacations.

So create routine anchors on vacation. Like don't totally abandon every bit of your routine, like choose the parts that you think you wanna still do. Maybe you'll still have a morning routine, maybe you'll still have a bedtime routine. Maybe you'll always get up at the [00:10:00] same time or go to bed at the same time.

Maybe you will have maybe you're somebody who does an exercise routine, and maybe you'll try to figure out how will you do the exercise routine and have it in place, or maybe you'll always go for a walk or something that would help you feel good. And plan the framework, like leave big pockets of time where you can be spontaneous or you can all of a sudden see some roadside shop you wanna go to that's different from your plan, but also have some planned activities on there.

So for me, I need to kind of see a structure for the whole day. And like I have something planned here, something maybe midday and something planned towards the end of the day, but the other stuff can be filled in as needed and build in decision free zones so that maybe there's some things that you're not going to care about what time [00:11:00] it is or you're not gonna care about what you do exactly in those zones.

And so talk about those ahead of time. Maybe you wanna start your day at a certain time and you don't wanna plan anything until after you've had your breakfast. Or maybe you wanna go to bed at a certain time and you wanna plan steps, so then you can just, your mind can be free for the rest of of the evening.

And of course, we all need to restructure what time and routines look like when we're on vacation. We can't have. Everything be the same, but what things can we keep the same? What things will need to be different? And just allowing for the differences, but also saying what you need so that you can feel comfortable and present in the vacation and not being worried about other things.

It's interesting when I think about, um, variety versus [00:12:00] structure and I love variety in how I do my hair. I don't know. You could probably look back on all my videos and I, I like to do my hair different all the time. I mean, it's not that I have lots of different hairstyles, but sometimes it's straight, sometimes it's curly, sometimes it's a little bit curled.

Sometimes it's up, sometimes down. Today I'm trying a half up and I haven't done that for a while. I think I wanna do this again, but maybe curl the bottom just so it looks a little bit different. I also, I don't do my makeup every day like I used to when I went to work, but I used to love the idea of whatever my outfit was for that day to make sure that my makeup, especially like my eye makeup, would match the outfit.

And so I always felt like my makeup was like a blank canvas every day. And I could create different ways of doing my makeup and. I love clothes, and so I [00:13:00] would try to have a different outfit all the time. So I love that variety. But when it comes to food, I like to eat the same things every day. I like to get up the same time every day.

I like to go to bed the same time every day. I like a lot of things to be the same, but I also like variety. So you just have to find out what your mix is and then just be able to create that no matter where you are, even if you're not at home.

So here's what I took from my vacation, uh, situation. I'm going to stop feeling bad about needing routine. It's okay that I need that. And I can be flexible in my routine so that other people can enjoy their spontaneity while I'm enjoying my routine. And I'm gonna stop thinking that it's wrong, that I feel that way and that or it's wrong for people to not have any kind of schedule.

'cause everybody needs to, to do whatever feels good for them. I'm gonna honor what I need. I'm [00:14:00] going to put structure into my vacations, but also allow for spontaneity. And I'm just gonna know that I'm not alone in this. I know other people feel the same way, and I hope that this helped you to feel better about yourself if this has happened to you when you were on a vacation or when you had unstructured time.

And just know that you can structure it and still have freedom and fun, and I hope that. Put in the, put in the comments about what you're gonna do the next time you go on a vacation or how this has affected you or, or is this a new concept for you? And also, I have a parent membership. That I've just opened up, and I would love for you as a parent or an educator, anybody who wants information about raising teenagers, teenage [00:15:00] situations, managing anxiety for teenagers, managing anxiety for yourself.

I am gonna have guest experts in there. All the resources I've ever created for clients and families is gonna be in there. So you'll have access to everything. Every workshop I do is gonna be put in there and you, you can have all of that, uh, for one low price. So, um. I will put some of that information in the show notes.

I would love to see you in the parent membership, and you can have more access to me too. You can actually talk to me and ask me questions, and I do group coaching in there so you can get coached about different parent situations that you have, and it also helps you to get to know me more in case you'd like your team to work with me on their anxiety.

I'll talk to you soon.