E 268 The Real Reason Teens Hate Homework

 Do homework battles happen daily in your house? You’re not alone.

In this episode, I talk with Jessyka Coulter, founder of ACE Cookie Tutoring, about why so many teens struggle with homework — and how parents can help them learn how to learn.

Jessyka explains the difference between content tutoring and study skills coaching, revealing how missing skills like time management, organization, and note-taking cause stress, anxiety, and frustration for both kids and parents.

You’ll learn:
✅ Why “I don’t have homework” is rarely the real problem
✅ The 12 essential study skills every teen needs to succeed
✅ How parents can stop nagging and start empowering their kids
✅ What schools often miss when it comes to teaching kids how to learn

🎁 Free Resource: Download Jessyka’s Homework Buster guide to help your teen overcome homework resistance → https://www.acecookietutoring.com/about-jessyka

Connect with Jessyka Coulter:
🌐 Website: https://www.acecookietutoring.com/
📘 Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/asforstudents 
📺 YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoDL_P08NEyLFdfIH7IEgsQ

Connect with Cynthia Coufal Coaching:
🌐 www.betterregulatethannever.com

💛 Learn more about Parenting Through The Maze: https://www.betterregulatethannever.com/parenting-through-the-maze

#parenting #teens #studyskills #homeworkhelp #teenanxiety #education #learninghowtolearn #anxietycoach #cynthiacoufal #theanxietymazenavigator 

 Struggling with anxiety in your family? If anxiety is causing tension, fights, or disconnect in your home, you don’t have to face it alone. I help parents bring more peace, confidence, and connection to their families. Let’s talk—schedule a free consultation today or email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com

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Text me: 785-380-2064
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Transcript

Cynthia: [00:00:00] Do you ever wonder why your teen doesn't seem to love learning or why homework feels like a constant battle in your house? Well, today we are going to dig into those questions with Jessica Coulter, CEO, and founder of ACE Cookie Tutoring. Jessica has made it her mission to help tweens, teens, and young adults discover how to learn, not just what to learn.

And through her love to learn program and 12 essential study skills, she helps students find confidence, independence, and yes, even joy in learning. So Jessica, thank you for being with us today. 

Jessyka Coulter: Hey, Cynthia, it's awesome to be here. I've gotten to pick your brain more than once and collaborate more than once with you, so it's fun to be the opposite way today.

Cynthia: Yes, I love that too because you are, I was gonna say that you are somebody that I know a little bit more than some of the other people that I, I have as guests, and so I'm so glad to be able to have you [00:01:00] and tutoring and. Study skills and learning how to learn is I think, the most important thing. And we don't teach that in school very much.

So I know probably the number one thing that parents are annoyed with and anxious and maybe angry about right now is their kids and homework. So what can you tell us about why kids are not doing their homework? 

Jessyka Coulter: Oh, well this one's gonna seem maybe a little surprising, Cynthia, but honestly, the, the answer comes down to those study skills and whether they're there or not, because generally my team says I don't have homework.

And you know, we all know it's a lie. Or if there's a. I don't know how to do it or I don't wanna do it. There's, there's a lot of, uh, does your teen actually know how to do it? Because if your teen says It's boring, I already did it. Don't have homework. Like, those things are almost always a coverup. There's pretty much almost always the, um, you know, [00:02:00] I didn't even know I had homework because we were missing study skills to know, okay, how do I record that information?

How do I remember that information, let alone, like, what do these directions even mean? So the, the short, simple answer is if you're keen doesn't know a there's homework or doesn't know how to do it, of course it's gonna be a problem. 

Cynthia: Well, and I think a lot of parents and even myself when I think about tutoring, I think about somebody who takes a subject and teaches me how that subject works or like, how do I pass this test?

Or, you know, how do I know how to do the math or whatever. So study skills really isn't about a subject matter necessarily. So tell us about, the study skills kind of in general, like how do, what is it that you're doing and how is this helping kids really in all subjects? 

Jessyka Coulter: Oh, I love that question, Cynthia.

'cause I could, I could be, uh, on my soapbox all day about the difference between content tutoring or academic class specific tutoring. And [00:03:00] study skills because Yeah, you're exactly right. Most parents, most teens think, okay, if I need a tutor, that means, yeah, I'm gonna get through this math homework. I'm gonna write this English paper.

Like that's what so many people think. And my answer to that is it's such a bandaid. It's such a short term solution. Yeah. You get through this class. Yeah, we help you with this project. If you haven't learned the study skills that are basically the foundation of learning the how to learn, then yeah, you know you're gonna have the same exact problem maybe two weeks from now or two years from now.

Unfortunately, study skills are the long term solution and the content is such a bandaid. It's such a short term. I almost also go into like the whole idea of like the disease versus the symptoms. You know, the idea of, okay. See the homework not being done. We see the not so good grades, which are like our symptoms, but unless we really dig deep and we find out, okay, there's actually a problem here at the core, then we don't even know study skills are the problem.

That's why if I get to meet with a family, it's [00:04:00] always like, no, we need help with the study skills. We need the 12 of that I teach, and we could talk about much more than your team needs to figure out how to do that math problem. 

Cynthia: Mm-hmm. Why do you think schools are not. Really being specific and teaching these along the way.

'cause it sounds like that would solve half of their problems. Mm-hmm. 

Jessyka Coulter: And I think that one's two or three parts. So I think part of it is that schools, public schools, private schools, what type, whatever type of school like that. They have to teach to the standards. They have certain curriculum maybe they have to use.

They are knowing, okay, they themselves as a teacher, let alone the schools, the districts, all that stuff that gets the state level, the federal, like all those things that are being measured. And so making sure that the school seems like it's got a bunch of smart teens in it mm-hmm. Is so much more important than actually helping individual students.

And then even with like homeschool curriculum, I've had this conversation with so many mamas [00:05:00] that you know, no matter where the curriculum's for what type of schooling, it's always, always, always designed with one type of learner in mind. And so unfortunately, we had a classroom of 10 kids, a hundred kids, if we're talking college, possibly hundreds of kids.

Okay. How are we ever gonna be able to meet every single student in that classroom? Well, that's when it comes down to, does each teen, each young adult know how he or she learns? 'cause when a teen knows how to learn through these study skills I teach, well then he or she can adapt to that teacher's way of teaching.

Because if I know, okay, I'm very visual and this teacher's talking a lot, and so that's a very auditory thing. I'm not gonna learn the way that teacher's teaching. I've gotta figure out what can I do to still learn the material. And then Cynthia, I could go off on study skills classes 'cause some schools offer, which is amazing, but yet a family I just met the other day, her son who's in high school is a triathlete and they literally, the high school counselor put him in [00:06:00] a study skills class.

Because he has no other time to do homework. And so when I was meeting with his mama and talking to her, I'm like, okay, you realize he's not gonna learn study skills. Like they're calling it that. They're not gonna teach him note taking, time management, or like any of these things that he needs to manage all of his classes.

So he doesn't need to be at a class just for study time. And she's like, oh, I know. But I feel like that's so misleading to parents. They think, okay, yeah, my kid can learn study skills, but teens usually lose out on an elective when they're put in a study skills class. Yeah. And they don't want to. Mm-hmm.

Cynthia: Exactly. 

Jessyka Coulter: And then so many schools too, that's an IEP 5 0 4 thing. You know, only those. Yes. Kids need to be in a study skills class. 

Cynthia: Right. And then again, that makes that stigma of that's for dummies or babies or people that don't know stuff or whatever. And really study skills is essential for everyone.

Like I was just thinking as you were talking, you know, your clients that come to you are people who are [00:07:00] already like, oh my gosh, something has gone wrong. I've gotta find somebody who can help me. And really, this is something that should be when your kid is doing fine. Essentially, maybe in middle school where they really haven't.

I had to study very much because they're a fairly good student or understand how things are going, but learn them then when things are like pretty easy to, to learn it and you're feeling really good about yourself and then you just step right into high school and just use them. And because high school will be harder.

I mean, sometimes I've seen students that seems like high school wasn't hard either, but for the most part, high school does challenge them in some area that they were never challenged before. And so, I know that you advocate for kids getting these skills in middle school as actually more helpful than waiting until high school.

So how do you think well, I guess any parents that are listening that have middle school kids, even if there's nothing that's going wrong. They're not failing things or, you [00:08:00] know, really struggling or crying about their homework to just do your program to learn what are those study skills? 'cause maybe they haven't even needed study skills, 'cause school's too easy for them right now that they can use in high school.

Do you think people can just contact you and just find out what are these skills and, and tell us a little bit about these 12 study skills and, and how that works. 

Jessyka Coulter: Yeah, so you're, you're making a good point, Cynthia. There's this idea of being proactive versus reactive. There's this idea of, yeah, there's not any problems.

My teen's grades are great. You know, he's flying through, like you said, maybe it seems like minimal effort. She doesn't seem like she's having to try hard, you know, like she's just gets it. You're exactly right. That's so many parents like, okay, we can just wait. And yet I, I don't sometimes get to work with a teen until he is, you know, failed a test until he is retaken a class.

I've even worked with college kids, like you mentioned, some kids just sail through, took a high school graduation. Like I've, I've seen that before. And yet I worked [00:09:00] with a student that he literally had to drop out of college 'cause he. Didn't pass a single class freshman year, first semester. And I actually even had a cousin that was that same way.

He was literally asleep in one of the math classes we took together in high school. And the teacher would wake him up, he could answer the questions. He went back to sleep. No problem. 'cause he just knew it. And then he got to his first college class and he realized just kinda like, uh, nowhere. Oh, I don't just get it.

And I feel like there's a couple analogies I could give here. The idea of, okay, we all hit our wall. You know, for some kids like it's sixth grade, like just as soon as we do that transition to middle school, whoa. Too many teachers, too much stuff going on. The stuff is so much harder. The curriculum, the homework, there's just more of it.

And then other times for me, like it was senior year physics. I mean, I wasn't a kid that just got it. I was the kid that, okay, I need 12 hours to study per test. Like, that was my magic number and I knew if I'd studied that much, okay, this is gonna go well. Now did I really need to study that much? [00:10:00] No, I've, I've learned over the years thinking about as I, you know, teach teen study skills and now kind of teach it using the nerdy method, going, okay, this is something that I've always used.

I didn't necessarily realize that's what I was using. Mm-hmm. And so the idea here, you know, we hit our wall, we hit that class, that teacher, that part of the class, or even like a teacher that can't help a kid. I mean, my physics teacher senior year told me, Jessica, I don't know how to make you understand.

And so I feel like we all have a plateau. We all hit that thing where our natural abilities run out. And then I also always feel like teens are ticking time bombs. The idea of, okay, there's gonna be something somewhere. Could even be when they're adults at that first career that they realize, Ooh, I don't know how to learn because I, I meet so many parents that tell me, uh, yeah, can you teach me these study skills too?

Like when I'm talking about time management, when I'm talking about organization, when I'm talking even. So, yes, I'm like you said, confidence. To me, that's a study skill right there. That so many teens don't have because their parents don't [00:11:00] have, or like you said, they've just never been taught 'em, and who's gonna teach 'em?

Definitely not the school. 

Cynthia: No. No, and I'm sure they, they would say they don't have time, though I still, well, if I could restructure school, I would do it differently, but I always feel like if we really focused on that kind of stuff, all these things we work so hard on would go away. I. You know, we wouldn't have to be dragging kids into the school with attendance problems.

We wouldn't have behavior problems. We wouldn't, and obviously it wouldn't totally go away. But a lot of the things that I think, you know, when we're seeing attendance problems and, uh, behavior problems, a lot of that comes from they don't know how to learn. They, it's uncomfortable to, to realize you don't know how to learn something that maybe other people do know.

So you might have bad behaviors to get out of there to escape that feeling of not knowing. Or you might just do school refusal and not wanna go to school because you don't know how to do it. And so it really is [00:12:00] like all of these bigger problems came from. When somebody could have just paid attention to their study skills or paid attention to some of the mental health stuff that we don't pay attention to, and all of that could help, like all these bigger, bigger problems.

But I'm not in charge of, um, how schools work, but I love, the idea of that. So I think parents just need to be thinking about, you know, don't just look at study skills as something you need. If there's a problem, you need study skills, period. Like mm-hmm. And they will help you in college or adult life.

So even if somebody, you know, isn't thinking about, well, it's not really that big of a deal for my middle schooler. Or maybe it's not really that big of a deal for my high schooler. If they're learning 'em now, it will help them in college and help them in their adult life. 'cause time management, oh my goodness, I still struggle with that.

Like I'm pretty good at it. But I wish I would've been taught other skills. Like I'm always like reading a book about it or listening to a podcast about [00:13:00] it to teach me because I didn't learn these things. And I think probably other parents identify with that too, that a lot of our learning that we wish we would've learned we're getting from books and the internet and podcasts and, we could just have learned it when we were younger, so I'm glad that you're out there doing that. So what do you have to offer the audience today that can be helpful for the study skills of their kids? 

Jessyka Coulter: I realized you, you asked that something, I was like, I don't think I ever actually said what the 12 study skills are, so Oh 

Cynthia: yeah.

Jessyka Coulter: Tell us what those are. So it's something else that I think we both have hinted at, but I dunno if we've actually come out and said it yet, is that study skills are life skills. Mm-hmm. And so that. Teens don't know how to learn, they don't love to learn. So that's kind of the, the underlying kind of point.

I hope all of our listeners, all of Obamas take away from today is the idea of, okay, they need these skills for life. And these skills are gonna help your teen love to learn. Because when teens, like you said, that don't wanna go to school. Teens that are, like you said, the disruptive kids, the [00:14:00] bad behavior kids.

It's just literally, it's so much easier for our teens to shrug it off to say, I don't care to act out than it is to say, help me. I'm confused. So I think like there's those three signs that teens don't dunno how to learn. There's basically those red flags that let me know. Study skills are missing. And so my homework buster, that's the resource I've got for our moments today, our listeners.

And it covers all 12 study skills. And the absolute most important one, the one I always start with is note taking. Because every other study skill relies on it. If we don't have notes, how can we possibly do the homework? 'cause we might, may or may not remember what was shared in class. Mm-hmm. And then if your teens are getting ready for that test.

They don't have any notes to refer to. How are they gonna study for that test? So that's one of the study skills I teach and I teach 'em in a very particular order. And so it's kind of explained in that homework cluster and it has those five tips to bust through homework objections. 'cause when we're talking about, okay, we know maybe there's some study skills missing, what do we do?

I mean, [00:15:00] motivation is a big skill, a big one. I hear from a lot of parents and I immediately go, well, is there goal? You know, why is your teen in this class? Why is your teen doing this assignment? And if your child doesn't have a goal, he is working towards why was he gonna care about school or this assignment or this class in general, unless, mm-hmm.

Helps get him where he wants to go. 

Cynthia: Yes. I a lot of times see that the goal is the parent's goal and not the kid's goal. That's awesome. And I know that's really hard because I, I am a parent and I understand that, you know, I wanted my kids to. You know, be the best and do the best and go to the all the things or whatever.

But I realized pretty early on with my first and I'm kind of glad he was my first 'cause he was my hardest. So then Haley was easy. He hated school, hated it. And it was so hard for me to. Keep him motivated and want him to, I mean, he was trying to, when can I quit school? Or when can I get [00:16:00] out of here?

And it was like a nightmare because as an educator, educators, kids are not like that. And so then I was embarrassed around my friends because I couldn't tell them, well, my child hates school and he fails things and he doesn't wanna be in school. You know, it was, it was very difficult. He did make it through and he now makes more money than I do because he works construction and he wanted to be outside and he wanted to be working with his hands.

And school is not a hands-on. For the most part, especially high school, is not a hands-on activity. It is, you know, sit down, listen to lecture, take these notes, and he just doesn't care about any of that. He still doesn't care about that. Um, and I just kept, you know, can I, can we just hold onto you long enough to get through, check off the check boxes to get out of there so that you can go do the thing that you wanna do.

And so I just kept talking to him about, I know you don't like this, but this is, this is the, the fence you have to jump over to get. That you want working construction and so let's just get it done. Let's just [00:17:00] pass the things, you know. And my expectations of him were like, just get a, I think it was probably just get a D so you can check it off the box and get out of here.

Um, Haley was, I had a little bit higher expectations 'cause she wanted to go to college and I knew she wanted to, to do some other things, but yeah, you have

one. Doesn't mean that's what he wants. And as a school counselor, I saw it over and over again, that kids would come to me and say, well, my parent wants me to do this, but I don't wanna do it. And then they wouldn't, they wouldn't like, because they were rebelling against it. I totally, and so I had to talk to them a lot about that and talk to the parents about, which is difficult.

Jessyka Coulter: Yes. Oh, I gotta tell you, it always hurts a little bit, Cynthia, when I hear the, we just gotta get through it, you know? It's just like we gotta check off the boxes. But my sister was the same way. She was D for diploma and a lot of things, and that. That's what I love about what I get to do though, is, okay, we have a kid like your son that.

Doesn't wanna be there. The question is, okay, if he knows that construction's the [00:18:00] answer, how does every single class tie in? Like it would be so easy to tie in like every math class into what he does. I mean, I've done YouTube videos about the PY and theorem and how to build houses using that. So I mean something that simple because there's that relevance piece that yes, unfortunately a lot of teachers or even curriculums are just in school, we don't always think about.

We're so focused on, you have to know how to use this formula. And not so much on how does this impact your life, or why should you care about it? And that's when I get to tie in interest. 'cause everything I do is one-on-one. So there's, okay, if you love this video game or you love this type of book, or you're really into art, like we get to figure out how does that tie into how you learn?

Because there's a lot of connections. Mm-hmm. Between learning styles and hobbies and interests. And then how does that tie into what you're supposed to be learning? So that way you turn into a, oh, I get to learn this instead of I have to learn this. 

Yes. Like, 

Cynthia: so kids that don't wanna do you know, like what's the, what's the really [00:19:00] behind the reason of not wanting to go to school or not.

And so you were connecting video games and art and things with the things that they liked. Exactly. 

Jessyka Coulter: The idea of that generally between learning styles and interests and hobbies, like there's a lot of connections there. Like my auditory learners, they're the kids that love to be in band or in choir. And then yet the idea too of, yeah, if they're interested in a certain thing, how do we connect that to what they're learning in a class?

The idea of like I was just thinking when you said with your son, not like in school. I immediately went to math and the pyt diagram theorem. Mm-hmm. And the idea of, okay, you know, how do those two things connect? And the idea of if a teacher had simply said, okay, your walls are never gonna be straight, you're never gonna have those perfect nine degree angles, you know, corners in your rooms, in your houses, unless you know this gram theorem, that would've immediately gone, yeah, oh yeah, this does matter to me.

'cause it connects to something I'm interested in. And that I think is important. 

Cynthia: Yeah. I love that so much. So you are giving the [00:20:00] homework bus. Say it again? The homework, homework cluster. Okay. And it's gonna tell them what those 12 study skills are. Yes. And then some how they can kind of come back with some of these objections that their kids might have about homework, like what they can say, uh, to help that situation.

Jessyka Coulter: Exactly. It really just helps the parents and the teens really kind of start to have that conversation. The idea of, you know, we have to even start with do we know there's homework or not? You know, that's time management organization study skills. We didn't talk too much about. But that's kind of problem number one is, okay, do we even know about 'em?

And if we're not even keeping track of it or even aware of homework, what are we gonna do? And then from there was a little bit what we talked about with motivation. The idea of, okay, you know, what is your teen's goal? Because maybe he is a a d for diploma kinda kid, and you're a, yeah, you gotta be a straight A student.

The question now becomes, uh, you know, whose goal is it really? Because when I'm teaching Yes. Goal setting to teens, it's like, it's your goal. You know, it's like, I don't want you to do about anybody else what you're [00:21:00] supposed to do, what you've been told is right for you. What is it that you care about?

Cynthia: Mm-hmm. So you work one-to-one with teens, tweens, and college or young adult people. And then what do I mean? Do you give the parents some kind of, um. I don't know, like a summary of what's going on or, you know. Do the parents, are they involved in it at all, or you're just working with the kid? 

Jessyka Coulter: So my goal is, and I imagine so many of our mamas want the goal to be is that their kids learn how to learn.

So that way that the parents feel like, okay, I can take a step back. Because when I ask parents, you know, what are you doing? You know, how involved are you? I hear things like, I'm sending emails to the teachers. I'm the one scheduling extra conferences. I'm the ones keeping track of all those test dates.

I'm the one telling my teen and nagging and reminding, you gotta do this homework. And I ask him, you know, is that something you wanna do? Is that something that you know you enjoy doing? And most parents tell me, no, like, I'm exhausted. I, I have stuff that I need [00:22:00] to do, I wanna do around the house for my own job, for my own interest.

And that, yeah, there's no time. And I, I sometimes like to scare 'em and say, okay, if you're doing all of this until your child's a high school senior and you don't ever give you a child a chance to learn these high skills, to really learn how to learn. Okay, are you gonna go to college with them? Are you gonna be living with them in their first apartment?

It's like, if you wanna be doing your teen's laundry until he is 30, then yeah, don't let him learn these high skills. Or if you wanna, you know, be sending him texts about, Hey, forget, you know, forget your college, whatever, test today. Otherwise they need these skills so that parents can back off. So some parents, yeah, more involved than others, Cynthia, but.

The goal is that it's between me and the teen and that. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I let parents know, okay, this is what we've worked on and this is what you should be seeing. You know, this is the kind of thing you might wanna ask about. Mm-hmm. But it's not your job. Your teen uses what we talked about. Great. If he doesn't, well he knows it.

It's just up to him. Use it or not. 

Cynthia: Right. Oh, that's so true. I love that. [00:23:00] And that happens with anxiety management too. I teach the skills and then they have to use it. Practice it. And they sometimes do, and they sometimes don't. And you know, they, they have the information, they can use it later.

Sometimes I think kids almost have to grow into the information, you know? And then you probably have that with some of your clients too, that you teach it. And it's kind of like they know it, but they haven't really decided how to make that work in their life. But when they do. Then they have this great skill that they can use.

So I'm gonna put all of your information in the show notes and so that people can, can contact you. You work with people all over the world, I'm guessing. I do. So anyone that's hearing this, I just, uh, I have, my podcast is five years old in September of this month and this month that, that we're recording it.

And I looked at, um, I'm just looking at like of, of all time, how many people from, or how many people in different countries, whatever. So people on every continent have listened to [00:24:00] this podcast. Now I don't know if that's irregularly, it might have been, you know, just some random blips here and there, but we just find that to be fascinating.

I just think. People on every continent have heard my voice like, what in the world? Like that's just like so fun to think about. So wherever people are hearing this, they can contact you if they're their teen, tween, or college student needs study skills. So I love that because it's so important. And even if you.

Don't think that you, you haven't noticed anything going wrong at home. Just learning study skills for your child is like a beautiful gift you can give them. So think about it that way too, because it will help them in every aspect of their life. It's like you said, study skills are life skills. I love it.

Jessyka Coulter: I do. Yes. And I'm so glad that you, you bring up so many important points here at the end of the, I mean, something as simple as the idea of learning is learning no matter where in the world. I mean, my very first love to learn student was.

Was in Australia, [00:25:00] so everybody, and then I, I, some of my students have been from the UK and I have parents telling me, yeah, you know, he wasn't necessarily interested in a tutor, but yet learning how to learn that was the interesting, oh, I wanna give that a try. So, yes, literally no matter where in the world and the idea of sooner is so much better than later.

I mean, I, I wish I could only work with the middle schoolers, but yet mm-hmm. It's never too late. I mean, I, I have adults going back for graduate degrees and we work on study skills too. 

Cynthia: Oh, I could see how it could be so helpful for everyone. So, well, thank you Jessica for being with us. I'm glad I got to see you again and I'm sure you and I will be seeing each other so many times 'cause we're involved in so many of the same groups.

But, um, I hope all of my listeners check you out and get some help for study skills. 

Jessyka Coulter: Yes, Cynthia, thank you. Thank you for having me. I hope our mamas, our parents download the homework buster and then I hope they're check out my Facebook group 'cause that's an awesome resource, let alone my YouTube channel.

Yes, 

Cynthia: that too 

Jessyka Coulter: because yeah, definitely there's over awesome videos on my YouTube channel. So lots of good stuff, Eric. 

Cynthia: All of that stuff is so good. Okay. Definitely. I'm, I'll put all that stuff 'cause parents will [00:26:00] wanna definitely be doing that. Well have a amazing day and I'll talk to you soon. 

Jessyka Coulter: Alright, sounds good, Cynthia.

Thank you. 

Cynthia: Mm-hmm.