Why Some Students Quit College by October

As parents, we spend years helping our teens prepare academically for college.

But what if grades aren't the biggest predictor of success?

In this episode, I share a powerful concept called The Stockdale Paradox—a mindset that helped prisoners of war survive unimaginable circumstances and can help today's college students navigate anxiety, loneliness, homesickness, difficult roommates, academic pressure, and the challenges of becoming independent.

I also share my own story of leaving college before Halloween and what I wish I had understood about resilience, emotional regulation, and the "messy middle" of any new experience.

You'll learn:

• Why blind optimism can actually work against your teen
• The difference between passive hope and grounded optimism
• How to help teens develop an internal locus of control
• Why the first semester can feel surprisingly difficult
• Practical tools parents can use to build resilience before move-in day

If you have a high school senior or incoming college freshman, this episode is for you.

Because success in college isn't just about being academically prepared.

It's about being emotionally prepared for the hard days, too. 

 Struggling with anxiety in your family? If anxiety is causing tension, fights, or disconnect in your home, you don’t have to face it alone. I help parents bring more peace, confidence, and connection to their families. Let’s talk—schedule a free consultation today or email me: ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com

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Email me:  ccoufal@cynthiacoufalcoaching.com
Text me:  785-380-2064
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Transcript

  Hi. I am so excited to see you again and talk to you about what's new. We just finished May, or as some people describe it, May-cember, and I used to think, "Oh, that doesn't affect me anymore," because May-cember I always thought was more for people who had kids in school, and they had their final concerts, and they were graduating, and they had finals, and the end of school activities and all that stuff. And I thought, "Well, my kids aren't at home anymore, so I won't experience that." Oh my goodness, this was a May-cember for me. There was just... And it wasn't just the activities, though there was plenty of those. I helped my local high school do their advanced placement testing, and that's all in May, and there was a lot of ones that I helped with, so that took up a lot of time. And then in my family- Well, kind of starting at the end of April, there were three different hospitalizations that went on with people in my family, and having to navigate that and getting the stress of all those things and just, uh, this year was my 40th class reunion, and we have that on Memorial Weekend. So there was just a lot of things. And I loved last month's podcast series, where every month you heard from a different parent coach, and then I gave my, what I thought about each episode and topic, and I thought that was so fun and I hope to do that again, 'cause it was just so fun to meet new parent coaches, and I wanted you to meet new parent coaches. But now it's back to me, and I just wanted to talk a little bit about some things that I've been thinking about when we're talking about kids going from high school to college. And that is a group that I'm really trying to focus on, because it fits perfectly in the anxiety space that I live in, because I think a lot of the reason that kids get kind of tripped up in that first year of college has to do at least with anxious thoughts that we all have. And I wanna help young people realize their potential and the things that they can do in this world, and I think a lot of times they just don't know it. I also love the podcast The Curiosity Shop, which is Brene Brown and Adam Grant, and they just talk about different topics. And every Thursday I can't wait for it to come on. Thursday's my laundry day too, so as I'm doing laundry I'm listening to their conversation and thinking about, you know, what, how does this pertain to me and how can I use this information in my life, and I'm a learner anyway, so it makes it so fun.  And this Thursday was about paradoxes, and one of them that they talked about was the Stockdale Paradox, and Stockdale was in the Vietnam War, and he was prisoner of war And he's ... They asked him what type of people didn't make it in the POW camps, and he said, "The optimists." And I was like, oh my gosh. I just, I think I stopped, I, I stopped listening for a while and I had to go back, because I was thinking, wait a minute, I'm an optimist, and I've always thought that that was a gift or a skill I have, because I always see the bright side. I always see the sunshine even when things are bad, and that seems like, that seems like that would be helpful in a situation like a prisoner of war camp. And I'm also an Enneagram 7, which is the enthusiast. Positivity is my number one strength in CliftonStrengths . And I was like, oh, no, what does this mean? Like, I wouldn't make it in a terrible situation? And so I kind of dug ... Well, I listened to their whole thing and, and they explained, why, um, which was helpful because the reason is that people who were optimists, they're just seeing, like Well, I'm, they ... What his example was, they were thinking, "Well, I'll get out by Christmas." And then when Christmas would come and go, th- it would break their heart, and they would be, they would start getting depressed or sad that, oh, I was optimistic that this was gonna happen and then it didn't happen. And then that is kind of what threw them. And so I started to think about how can I be an optimist? Because I'm not gonna get rid of positivity out of my innate personality strengths. I'm not ... Well, some people don't believe in the Enneagram, but I've, I ... The parts that I've studied I'm pretty sure I'm a number seven enthusiast. And if I, am somebody who's always looking at the positive, glass half full, how am I going to endure things that maybe are really hard or terrible, and be able to get out on the other side? And that he talked about you can be optimistic. You could have this faith or hope that things are going to get better, but you also have to face the harsh realities too. You have to think about, okay, this could take some time, or this could be difficult while I'm, still have this hope that I'm gonna get out. And then I started thinking about my business and how I've just, I just keep plugging along even when things don't don't happen in the time schedule that I think they should or, I don't get the same- engagement in something that I think I should, I understand the harsh realities of owning a business, and I still have the hope that, , I am serving people, and people are listening, and people are getting something from it. And so I think, I hope that I have, like, this dual ability to understand the harsh realities of things a- but still be, have that faith and hope that things are gonna be good, and I am gonna get to my goal, and things are going to get better. And I... Then I was thinking about these freshmen in, in college. That's the group that I'm wanting to work with this summer. I want to get- I wanna help young people learn about themselves in July and figure out what are... Maybe they're an optimist, or maybe they have some of these other strengths, and they're gonna find out 'cause they'll take the YouMap assessment and see what are those strengths that they have. And then we're also gonna talk about the harsh realities of what college is to a lot of people, and then when they're anticipating that, they're not just going in flying in the clouds, so excited, not realizing that there are some harsh realities in college too, and then those things won't hit them as hard as they would someone who wasn't thinking about those things. And then they have both. They have the dual part of this paradox that we're talking about, where they know that there's gonna be some tough things, there's gonna be some barriers, there's gonna be some challenges, and they have this knowledge of themselves and what they can do and how they can reframe things and tell themselves a different story, and those skills have to be taught. We don't just automatically have them. If you follow me or have followed me for a while, I've told the story about my freshman, my very first college experience, and how I dropped out in October, and October is the biggest month for people dropping out of college. And when I thought about this paradox, I'm like, "Oh, my gosh. This is exactly what happened," because I was so excited about going to college. , That's all I thought about. I thought about all the good stuff. I'm gonna be in these clubs. I'm gonna make these new friends. I'm gonna... Well, when I first started thinking about college, , like that last semester of high school, I didn't have a boyfriend. And so I was thinking about the guys I was gonna meet, and I was gonna find my life partner, and just like all of the positive, uh, optimistic, enthusiastic things that I could think about college, that's all I thought about. I didn't think about I'm gonna be lonely. I'm gonna maybe not measure up, or feel like I'm measuring up based on the, the other students that are there. Because that's something I didn't have any experience in either. I came from a really small community, a small farming community, and in a small community where I don't want to say the education was subpar. I had some really good teachers, and there was things that I learned there that I've never forgotten. But when you, when your bar of what is the top of the class is just regular, I, I think so much about the high school that I worked at the last 14 years of my education, and it was a top-tier 6A, um, school in Kansas. And when I think about the education and the, the level that you had to meet to be top there versus what I had to be, it's just different. And I had no idea, what the top really looked like because I was coming from a small area that there wasn't that type of competition. So when I did go to college, so I wouldn't have even been able to anticipate this, but I think if I would've had a m- a mentor that did know and they could say, "Oh, by the way, you might feel like this or you might experience this," it would've given me something to think about or Like some knowing that, oh, I am gonna feel like that and it's normal. I am gonna experience that and it's okay. I had no idea when I got there, because I had been on such a high and everything was gonna be so perfect and so amazing because that's, how I look at life. And then, I was in class with kids who were way more educated than I was, and they were my peers. And I was like, "Oh my gosh, I don't, I don't fit in here. I'm not ready for this. This isn't..." I, I think I just saw it like high school, and I am smart and I'm a good-- I can be a good student. I, I was not a good high school student just because I didn't wanna be, but I love learning and, um, things come easy to me. And so in a small town high school, , me not trying was still okay and average. Me not trying in college, there's no way you can catch up. And I, I just didn't know to anticipate that. So when those things started happening and I was going to classes and I was like, "Oh my gosh, this is like way over my head," or, "These kids are way ahead of me." And again, also remember that those stories that you're telling yourself, a lot of times, well, most of the time are not true. Like, I was thinking, "I'm way behind these kids. I'm not as smart as them. Um, I don't understand any of this stuff." That was just stories I was telling myself, and I didn't know that I could change them or think differently or try to think differently. And so I'm just being lost, and then I'm lonely because then after I graduated, the summer before I went away to school, I met my boyfriend who I did eventually marry. Um, but I was, like, obsessed with him. So then by the time I went away to college, then I was missing him, and I was lonely. And because I came from a small town and I-- of course, I wanted to get out of that small town. I'm going to the big city. I'm leaving all these people behind. And I was used to being-- feeling safe and comfortable in my community because everybody knew me or I knew everyone else. Um, I had a, a level of, I, I, I wouldn't say popularity, but just, people knew me, and you had this feeling of community. And then I go where no one knows me, and it doesn't mean anything except it makes me feel like I don't fit in, , I don't have friends. I just wanna go home. I'm so sad. Um, I'm not smart enough. I can't handle this. And then I just got so overwhelmed that I couldn't even make myself go to class because it would just be like confronting that feeling over and over again. And then I'm getting further and further behind, and then I also don't, , wanna go there even more because I'm so behind, and I see other kids just going around being fine and not having any problems, even though I'm sure they were experiencing some of it too. It just didn't look like it to me. And I just cried all the time, and I just thought, "Oh, I guess college isn't for me," or, "I guess I can't handle this," or, "I'm not good enough or smart enough or whatever to be here," and I left. And I just think that could have been so different if I was working with someone that wasn't my parents, because I was not listening to my parents at that time. I was like, "I'm out of here. I'm my own id- I'm my, my own person, my own adult. I don't, I don't need your ideas." Plus they didn't go to college, so they didn't know. And even if they would have, it would've been different. But , I wouldn't have listened to my parents, but if I would have had an adult that could tell me and prepare me for all of these things, and an adult I was lis- I would listen to because it, probably anybody that wasn't my parents I would have listened to. And they could have said, "Hey, by the way, these are some things that are gonna come up. You're gonna feel these ways, and it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be there. It doesn't mean that anything has gone wrong. It just means that this is a new experience. You're learning absolutely everything new, and you can make it, and you can make this work." And, , because of work that we would do in the summer about these are your strengths, these are your skills, these are the things that you value in life, and somebody to constantly keep reminding you of that. Um, so that's what I love about this program that I've created, where in the summer just for four weeks, 'cause I know you wanna have a summer. You wanna see your friends for the last time or... Well, not the last time, but, you have a lot of lasts that summer before you go to college. And so you wanna spend time with your friends, and you wanna relax, and you wanna forget about school, and you wanna just enjoy your life and enjoy laying around playing video games or eating a lot of your mom's good food or whatever it is. Um, so I don't wanna take very much of your time, but I want to just spend July just four times talking to you about here's who you are. Here's all the things that are amazing about you. Here's everything that works for you. And just, to kinda give you that a little bit more confidence as you go into that first year. And then, go to college, move in, go to all the activities, the dances, the meetups, meet all the people in your dorm or if you can go to an apartment. Sometimes colleges don't let that happen in your freshman year. But whatever your situation is as you go in, take all that excitement and have fun with it and enjoy it. And those first few classes, you're just gonna be getting to know the professor. How do you get to the classes? They're gonna give you some kinda introductory information. Nothing's gonna be too stressful at the beginning. If you're, in other activities, you're going to the practices or the, uh, whatever, maybe you are getting a part-time job, so starting to figure that out and how do you, um, figure out your schedule around all of that. And then you're gonna actually start getting into the, "Oh, now I have to study, and now I have a bunch of tests, and now I have to write these papers, and now my roommates are getting annoying, and now, , I don't feel like I fit in here, or maybe I'm, I feel like I'm not smart enough, or I miss my home, I miss my parents, I miss my romantic partner." I mean, all of those things are gonna come up, and then I'm gonna come back in in September, October, those hardest months while you're really trying to transition into school, and then I'm gonna be there to be like, "Okay, let's-- what are the things that are happening? What, what is starting to challenge you? What are you feeling scared about? What are you feeling annoyed about? Um, maybe you need to talk to your professor. How do you go about that? How could you talk to them? What do you... Maybe you need to have a hard conversation with your roommates. Maybe you need to figure out how to not feel as lonely or homesick." Um, there's just so many things that we could talk about, and we can talk about anything because I will be working just with individual kids on anything that they need to work at. So whoever is in that summer time where we, start out with shoring them up with all the confidence, then those same kids, I'm gonna be checking in with them for eight more weeks and that right after school has they're into the routine, I'm gonna jump back in and say, "Okay, what's going on?" And then midterms are gonna be coming up during that time, getting ready for those. Sometimes coming to terms with, "Wow, I didn't learn enough in that one class," and how do we fix that or what do we do about it? Um- Maybe navigating dating relationships. Maybe people are asking you out, and then you're like, "Oh, I'm going on these dates, but I don't know." All of the stuff. Whatever it is that's coming up, we can talk about it. And I-- there are studies that show that when people have this kind of mentorship, this kind of coaching during that early time when that's when they're the most uncertain, but they have this adult coming in saying, "Oh, but remember, you have these strengths," or, "Remember, this is normal. Feeling like this is just part of doing anything new, and here's what we're gonna do to overcome that," or, "Here's what we're gonna do to struggle through it," so that they can stay there. And I haven't added this to the program yet, but a parent recommended this, and I think it's a good idea, that, um, because she had had a couple of her kids already go through at least a year, maybe two years of college, and she said she noticed a dip after Christmas break, before spring break, where, , they have maybe six weeks off at Christmas, and they go back home, and they get all comfy again, and, their meals are made for them. They can sleep late. They don't have any homework. Um, and then it's like, "Oh, here's January. Let's jump back in," doing, , all new classes, and maybe that semester's harder than the semester was before. Um, maybe they moved to a different dorm room. Maybe they've went to an apartment. I mean, just different changes happen after that Christmas break. And so, um, it's possible, and I'm very much considering that with those same kids that I do the initial 12 weeks with, maybe we'll jump back in another four weeks as needed in that second semester to just kinda help all of those things again because there's gonna be more challenges and different barriers and, how do we deal with that? And maybe you have a professor that's really tough or really mean. And, how do you navigate that, and what do you do, and how do you do your best and still, maintain your mental health? And those are just really tough things to do, but, like, essential skills to have as you go through adulthood. And so why don't we don't-- why don't we just do this right now when it's the most important time to do it? So, I hope you really consider if you have a college freshman getting ready to go into college in August, let's talk so that I can, I can get to know them in that July time and help them get to know themselves, give them a lot of confidence about who they are as they go in. Then I'll let them, move in and have all the fun and get acclimated in their new setting, and then I'll jump back in when things are starting to get a little wonky. So contact me if you want your child to be in this program. I'm also gonna have a wait list that you can, uh, sign up for so that you can, um... So I can review all of those, 'cause I'm only taking a few people because I want it to be so, um, so zeroed in, lasered in on what your child exactly needs and everything exactly for them, and that's gonna take a lot of brain work on my part as well as theirs. So I want, I want it to be a small number of people so that I can really zero in on what's going on with them. And I really think this is gonna be an annual thing that I do. So if you have children that are younger, but they're, like, gonna be a junior in high school this year or next year or a senior in high school next year, uh, stay tuned, because I am positive I'm gonna keep, um, offering this, because I just think that's such a crucial time. I think the transition from high school to college is the hardest-- high school to anything in your adult life. Um, but I think that's the hardest transition that we ever go through in our lives, and it's just because it's just the first time that everything is thrown at us at once to do on our own. And I know that you're gonna support your kids. I did mine too. I was always there on the phone, talking them through things or throwing them money when I needed to. But I, I really think that there's still-- I mean, it's like if you really think about it, it's the only transition in life where we're totally thrown into everything on our own, um, because we're living away from our parents- Just everything is, and not that there aren't people to support, and I'm gonna be one of those people, but it's just a different situation. Because then when they graduate from college and go to their first adult job, they already have been doing things on their own. So there's still challenges, and there's still things that they have to learn and, there's gonna be a messy time there too, 'cause they're having to relearn some other things. But they've already had to do some things on their own, and so they already have at least a little bit of confidence in how to do that. And then every transition after that, which there's so many if you think about it, getting married, having a child, um, deaths in your family, divorces, um, becoming a grandparent, um, blended families. I mean, all of those things are transitions, but when you get to those things and you're navigating them, you've probably already done some things on your own already. So that's why I think this is the most crucial transition, and it's perfect because it's already the same age kids I already work with. So it's not like I'm having to totally, um... It really just fits into what I've already been doing. It's just that I'm gonna take a really small group of people that are exactly going into their very first, um, college experience. And so that group I'm just gonna kinda zero in on, and then that program that I'm building with them, and they're gonna help me build it 'cause I haven't done it before, um, it can become probably a bigger program, especially if I really start pinpointing, like most of the kids have this problem, or this is a barrier for everyone. Um, as I'm starting to figure all those things out, I think I will be able to broaden it to a bigger group of people, and maybe even making, like a group of kids could go through the program and, um, have success without, like, the really specific one-to-one, um- Help. But I wanna try, I wanna do it with just a small group to make it so specific so I can really dig into what goes on. And so, um, think about this paradox. Look it up. Go check out The Curiosity Shop with Brene Brown and Adam Grant. It is so thought-provoking. Well, I'm a learner, so if you're a learner person, and if you're listening to podcasts, you're probably a learner person anyway. But, um, go listen to the things they're talking about. Every one, I've been like, "Oh." And I can see how it relates to me. I can see how it relates to what I'm doing. And for this, even though I've already been working on this program, that particular episode really fit for now I know what the missing, , one of the missing pieces is that especially for optimist kids going off, and really all the kids have, like, this positive energy going to college, like, "Oh my gosh, I'm getting away from my parents. I'm gonna have so much fun. I'm gonna be in all these activities, and I'm gonna date all these people," , whatever it is. And then you get there and yes, those things are happening, and there's fun things, and it's exciting, but then you're like, "Oh, I don't know how to study," or, "I don't know how to make my schedule work," or, "I don't know how to make myself get up in the morning," or, "I don't know how to talk to these people that keep showing up in my dorm room that I don't want to be there, and I don't know, I don't know how to, uh, do so many things." So, um, let me help you with that because I don't think, even though parents are essential in this process, I don't think this information can come from you because this is the time when they're needing to figure it out on, kind of on their own, but with another person helping them navigate it. They're gonna just listen to me a lot easier because I'm not their mom. So anyway, I will talk to you soon, and, um, just send me any questions you have. I'd love to talk to you about it.