Ep #56: Getting Back Up! Failing Forward, Learning and Rising

How do you get back up after you get off the track? After the week of eating and drinking ALL the THINGS, binging Netflix (Preya! that little B), Slayer gets back up and rises again, sharing how and the lessons learned. In the end, sometimes we just need to get back at it and take that step to get back on the horse. One habit at a time.

Mentioned in this episode:
Heartsing Podcast: Einstein Time
For the Chariot story and the King of Death and Nacheketa, Preya and Shreya
The Upanishads, 2nd Edition

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Transcript

Getting back Up Again.

Welcome to the Heartsing Podcast. Addie B here, aka Slayer of Namaslayer and as promised, today I’m going to share about how I got back up from feeling like ICK we will call this ICK the path of Preya—being off my game and allowing my sense to guide the way. It was hit or miss with my planning, I missed meditations, and in turn I was depleted and didn’t take care of my physical self with activity or nourishing foods. I sought the quick relief from food, drinks, Netflix binges. I know most of us go here once in a while, and for most of my life it was pretty often I would go here. 

As always here on the podcast, it is my hope that through sharing my journey you will find some inspiration or ahas as we travel this path of self discovery together. I feel like it’s been a while since I have thanked you for sharing the podcast with your friends and leaving your reviews and comments. I really appreciate you sharing the heartsing so much! Think of a friend today that might need some inspiration about getting back up and give it a share if you are called. Together we shall seek and rise my sisters!

Today’s podcast didn’t end up where I thought it would this week, but does anything ever end up how think it will? This is why it’s important to create a vision, release it and let the Universe deliver us doors as we stay open to our lessons--look for them and listen to our inner self…because you just never know what surprises there might be waiting. 

The week in general took a turn in direction from where I thought it was headed last week, and then, as usual, my soul hijacked the podcast and WHEW—she can WRITE! I could pretty much just close my eyes and let my fingers fly. 

First, A bit of back ground if you are jumping in on this episode…I just traveled back to AZ from Oregon in the Adventure RV, My 26 foot class C version of my dream board I purchased and renovated back in 2019 as I left corporate America and hit the road full time creating and exploring. Knowing myself as I do and how I am in Autumn, I had planned to just take November to chill out…to just relax and enjoy things. 

HA! The problem I see now, in retrospect is that I no longer relax and enjoy like I once did and may be a little unaware of how to do that still. I need to do a Creating not Consuming episode because I went straight to consuming, even though, yes, I know better. And yes, I have harnessed and developed many tools to unwind that don’t involve consumption, but I didn’t choose to use them, so there’s that. Heh. See the last episode for the details on that—me seeing this happen, observing it and then…starting to miss ME. 

This was Another lesson on embracing my feminine energy and releasing more of Corporate Addie…who embodied a lot of masculine energy—which is good to have, of course, we need both, but it was just a bit one sided. Achieve, numbers, success is tied up in money and climbing ladders, creating the “perfect life” according to what we are shown, not following my heart’s desire, my intuition, seeking my purpose. 

My success didn’t come from love, joy and abundance—and this is my current work—living in MORE of this and creating from joy, finding heartsing all over and learning to live in it. 

For a bit last week, I slipped back into this mode I used to be in—how I used to take the steam off. Lose myself in Netflix, food, drinks. 

A funny thing happened this time, as I was watching it, because at this point in my journey I am the observer of my thoughts—and sometimes I don’t want to be, but I can’t seem to stop that. No matter how much I consume—I can now SEE myself doing it, even laughing at myself sometimes. 

After a handful of days of not doing my am habit stack, missing mediation, all the things, my body started to give me the anxiety pangs I used to get back when my 300 pound ball of misery was coming on, which was the catalyst to my awakening and this weight loss journey which led to finding my magic inside. 

I knew these pangs well, but seriously, I was just lying on the couch watching some Netflix…why was this happening? 

Could I no longer enjoy this? 

I was enjoying the people I was with, but not my activities and my body was an all body HELL NO. 

We missed ME. 

I hadn’t created space and time for myself. Some, but clearly not enough. 

When I did the podcast last week as I was sharing this I thought for sure I would analyze this and be led on the path of talking about Upper Limiting—that surely that is what I was doing to myself. A type of self-sabotage. Not allowing myself to move into my greatness. Being comfortable staying below the line… The line where we head into the unknown and it might feel a little uncomfortable in the body. It might feel like a lot to harness this energy.

That’s where I thought I was headed after I pushed publish on that episode. 

Well, I booked my space to move the RV in a little early. I just knew I had to get settled. Everything in my being was screaming RUN to your sanctuary, and it’s not like I wasn’t in a perfectly delightful place. I just needed ME back. 

Listening to my body…what a game changer. 

I think about this—what about people out there that are in relationships, in situations where they are getting ALL BODY NO’S and they keep shoving it down. I did this for years and it led to my wallowing in the 300 pound ball of misery. Feeling like I could not escape the life I had built. That I was alone, and yet not alone. That it was over. Here I was at the half way point and what did I have? A bunch of things and stress. Yes, beautiful children, a great job, SO much to be grateful for, and I should just be grateful. Suck it up. 

There was nothing to do anyhow, right? I mean, how could I leave my youngest daughter in Hawaii to seek my health in Arizona, where my body loves to be? Who would do that? What kind of mother would I be? 

Ah, the shame and guilt of that time at the beginning as I struggled with this. 

And….who says what is the “right” way to live our lives?  The society that has so kindly, or unkindly told us how to live our lives. 

As I came back to help my Mother and made the decision to stay here asking, “What if it’s NOT true that I have to be glued to her side to be the BEST MOM ever?” What would it look like if I was able to do that while serving ME? 

What IF in serving ME, I serve her? 

You guys—this is no doubt what happened, but it was scary as shit. I had a lot of mind work and guilt over this. Me being here in Arizona with my oldest daughter and my youngest, who you would think may need me the most across the ocean. 

Turns out I was right where I’m supposed to be and so were my children.

Guess what my youngest told me the other day? I’m the coolest Mom in her school. Everyone knows about me. How did this happen? Me being 2500 miles away? What, you mean by me SHOWING her how to live instead of TELLING her, I became an inspiration to her? 

I think Mini Slayer would probably tell you the same thing—the through watching my transformation, being there first hand and experiencing me forging my path and daring to dream and be—that she too made massive changes in her life and we are all forever changed because of my decision to seek ME.

Would people say you are selfish if you did this? Perhaps, but when you do this….find YOU, your inner being, what other people think doesn’t matter because you can see it more clearly. That these rules, beliefs and judgements are not TRUTH. 

Instead of me shoving beliefs in her world on how she SHOULD live, I’m showing her how to seek how SHE wants to live. 

To be HER completely. 

It has made every moment we are together that much more special. We have a relationship that is based on me living my truth publicly and sharing with her. Based in creating adventures. 

Nothing makes my heart sing more than when she says to me, “Mom, wait until you see the new secret spot I found!”

You see, back on one of our first adventures, just hiking a trail behind my condo back in the Corporate Addie days, I showed her my secret tunnel, and I had her sit in the dirt with me, and told her how sometimes I close my eyes and stand with my feet grounded and I feel like I’m transported to a different time and can feel the power surge through me. We stayed in that tree tunnel for a while that day talking about finding adventure and using our imagination. 

Magical Moments. 

Of course she is loved and cared for where she is and has amazing support, or she would be here, but she is right where she is supposed to be and we have epic adventures and technology keeps us close, but like my mother…we never felt like we had to be adjacent to be in touch. 

In fact, when I packed up in the middle of the night and moved from Michigan to Arizona and called her from New Mexico, expecting her to freak out, she just said she loved me and I would be fine. She would tell anyone who would ask that she just knew I would be okay and my true Mother Father was with me always. 

I get this now. I mean intellectually I understood the idea of this as “god” but I didn’t understand this was truly MY being. This is a knowing that I think one has to experience. And, call it whatever you may, that is the eternal part of us that when we follow her guidance, and when our body speaks to us, when we follow these doors and start to ask what if? 

Start to question what conventional society has told us is the WAY we should live and start to define our own path—and listen to our bodies. 

I might ruffle some feathers with this part here, but really, who decided that we should all be married and the husband and wife have to raise the kids, and we should only have that one family for ever? What if someone had decided that the community raises the kids, and everyone just has sex with each other? What if that is how we were raised? 

Right? Oh, I could go on forever, but it gets you thinking right? What is actually TRUE? What if we were taught an entirely different way of being. 

What if you follow your body? 

What if when you start to feel like crap and just can’t figure out what it is you say ENOUGH and go find some space for yourself to be YOU instead of shoving your face with pizza and Netflix to tolerate these emotions in your body…..which just may be you not listening to that inner voice. 

The one that is trying to tell you what path is yours to lead? 

My inner voice was like, “Ok Slayer, that’s enough, you had your fun….”zap” it’s time to get back up.” 

God knows I don’t want those zaps anymore!

This doesn’t mean you have to leave your relationships or jobs, or whatever, you start to say ENOUGH and put yourself first and find space for you. 

You start to try things right where you are to figure out what your version of creating space for you is—alone, in stillness. That space where you release your inner creative genius, where you have time to just BE and think-- without outside influence to your senses. 

What if you are missing all your signs because you are always to “busy” to be still? 

I can tell you; I didn’t see any signs from the Universe when I was in this time of reverting to the path of Preya…How could I? 

I didn’t leave any space to THINK much less see a sign from the Universe. 

Although, one could argue my full body pangs about needed to get back to ME were a sign.   

I ran. 

I got my RV set up in my Arizona space, rolled out my magic carpet and meditated. 

I was HOME, and it wasn’t the RV, the space, even being alone that was HOME. 

I could have created this HOME anywhere. 

The HOME was in the Meditation. 

Yes, I was going to try to have a podcast that didn’t talk about the power of this Meditation, but it just can’t happen in my experience. It was THE game changer and still is and I would be remiss to not tell you just how powerful this habit can be if you work on practicing it, and care to learn. 

One of my teachers would tell us that even one dip in meditation is better than none. 

Over 100 pounds lost, and yes, I learned some new fancy mind work and about my brain and lots of cool stuff about habits and even created a system to help us put MEFirst, but the REASON I have been able to get centered, get back up over and over and follow my signs?  To keep losing weight, getting healthier and creating new versions of myself that dare to dream even bigger? 

Meditation is that answer. The being still, KNOWING that I am a part of something so much larger and that it is in this that my purpose is, that my radiance lies. 

I realized I missed ME and that’s why I was getting zapped. 

ME being my I AM, the Universe, My Highest Self, Spirit, God, whatever term you want to have for it. 

It’s a big warm hug. 

I’m at a space with my meditation where I’m ready to expand it again. I felt like I was falling out of love which scared the shit out of me because it’s my JAM. For god’s sake, I’m a meditation instructor I thought, what is happening? 

Maybe it’s part of our journey as we practice meditation…or maybe it’s just for me? 

I know I’m ready for more knowledge on my path. I sure as hell am not giving it up. I’m not going back to that life of Preya that delivered up the 300 pound ball of misery. Hell no! I don’t want to die young from obesity and cancer like my parents!

In this meditation, back in the adventure RV, tires planted on the desert floor, me planted on my magic carpet, I was taken home. Tears of gratitude slid down my face. My body shook with a silent sob of gratefulness for being brought exactly to this moment. I whispered, “Thank you” and rocked. Thank you, thank ME for not ever giving up on me. It’s so glorious. 

To this incredible knowing of the divine consciousness that is in each and every one of us, every being, every plant, animal, moon and star and the space in between. 

I was BACK. 

In that moment, it was all just okay. I felt my light surround me, surge through me. 

I DO want to get to the place where I walk through the day with this light around me. Have you met people like this? I have….my grandma was one I think. Probably my Mom.  My meditation instructor. I’m not sure if she existed that way all the time, but I could literally see the light around her. I have some other guides, people I’ve encountered, that you are like they are LOVE and joy. They are CONNECTED at source. 

An intuitive guide called me a “love surge” once. I was like…yes, I wanna be a love surge! She was seeing me in alignment.  

How can I stay in this surge more and more? The quest continues. 

Meanwhile, I did the things one does to just get back up. I didn’t even sit down to anaylze myself like I thought I was going to. 

Nope. 

I organized my space, I grocery shopped.

I stocked the fridge with my power foods and health options, and set the alarm for 5 AM again. 

I didn’t get out of bed fully at 5 AM…took me about a few days to get back in the groove figuring out what needed to be in place for this to happen. 

Why 5 AM? Because, even when you live alone and create your own schedule…there is truly something about being up before the rest of the world. About the peace that is about in the early morning hours. 

When I get up at 5 I get to spend like 4-5 hours on myself usually. Doing all kinds of amazing things—I designed my life this way, but even Corporate Addie, that last year, she got up at 5, sometimes earlier so she could do all the things before giving herself to the rest of the world (I mean after a year of torment thinking that I had to be everything for everyone first and then I found Einstein Time—I’ll link that episode). 

Last night, I set myself up so I could get to the mountain. I set up my back pack to go write at the coffee shop: complete with my MEfirst Guide, my magic pages journal, my laptop, pens, money. 

I found my headphones for my phone because I KNEW I would have to do a LIVE video on Facebook once I got to the top because the mountain always does this to me—I just HAVE to share it. And sure enough I did the LIVE and got my first sign from the Universe of the day—screaming, yes, Slayer, THIS!!! Alignment, nature, love, sharing, speaking…. 

I was grounding on the rock, talking about my habit stack..how setting myself up the night before was so key. I had just done a workshop on this in the sisterhood, and as we go around and share tactics to improve our habit building, it always reinforces me, gives me new inspiration to get back up. 

Don’t discount the power of sharing in groups and learning from each other. Even if you think you have been there and done that. There is always something to learn. Find your people!

Anyhow….I’m doing this live and of course my soul takes over and I start talking about this coming home to ME and being connected with EVERYTHING, the oneness and having my feet on the mountain…as it starts to turn into what we call a Slayer Sermon when my soul takes over on the mountain, a purple hummingbird came and fluttered right in front of my face. You can’t even tell from the video how close she was. Like inches away. I did get her on the video though…so cool! 

I said to the Hummingbird, and my live viewers, “Yes, I know…this is the energy right? I’m right where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to, preaching from a mountain top. I see that too, but I don’t know how or where yet….but I see it. “

I’ll link the video. You can skip to the 11 minute mark if you just want to catch the hummingbird, and then I might have also been inspired to sing Lady Gaga’s Arizona Sky if you want some more off key Slayer singing….bahahaha. 

That energy I feel every time I’m speaking from my heart. With my voice. I know the book is a part of this path, but ultimately I’m using my VOICE too. To share. To whomever will listen about this magic that is just waiting inside and just maybe someone out there that is also getting ZAPS and maybe in their version of a 300 pound ball of misery will start to believe that they too, can get up over and over again and to start or to keep seeking our highest self. 

This version of Self that is full of heartsinging mountain top radiance. 

Whatever that version is for you. 

Have you thought about when you are in flow, or when you energy is fully present? What are you doing when you are like, THIS. I am MEANT TO DO THIS?

Because, while we are all one and all the energy of source, we are all different souls within the spirit, we bring different karma, soul experience, life experience to this journey. What can we create together if we all follow our heart’s desires? 

This is somehow my purpose….to help others on their path to find this…and each path is so different, but can we seek different together? 

Oh yes indeed! And, is it ever FUN!

I have a few smaller groups within our larger group I am guiding right now. The Soul Sisters are diving into…you guessed it their soul expansion, starting to ask those deep questions and seek answers. Then we have the Kool Future Dreamers who are creating the next versions of themselves—this is SO fun! They are dreaming big and taking action to building their big, crazy dreams!

And then we have two weight loss focused groups, which ultimately are also about creating that future version and uncovering our soul, we just do this through what comes up from not shoving our mouths and figuring out why we don’t’ make plans, or make them and don’t show up. What is it we are not wanting to experience? 

See—all different paths, and yet on the same journey-to Self and the entry can be from anywhere—just like the 8 limbs of yoga—all of these paths to self-awareness. 

Once we get in touch with that source it and we start to believe and trust in the Universe, and ourselves, the synchronicities start to appear

Have you connected with this energy within you? 

Perhaps you are seeking the stillness in your life …which will bring you right there. 

I promise you this: no matter how “busy” you think you are you can CREATE this. 

We create this life. As we take ownership over this, and we start to realize everything we are feeling, creating, being is coming from within US, then you can start to make conscious choice. 

To choose the path of Shreya more and more—the path that takes you to this soul shine…

Ah, that just triggered by mantra song from 2017, when I had started seeking. I would swim laps in the pool and had my audio flood I pod going in my ears—

“It’s like my Daddy used to say…..Soul shine, its’ better than sunshine, is better than moonshine and it’s damn sure better than rain.” 

I sure wanted this thing that was better than Moonshine. 

I could FEEL this song. I would swim my laps back and forth dreaming of this day my soul would shine so brightly it was better than sunshine. 

What was that? I had had glimpses maybe, but was in the dark.  It was my anthem that year. This was pre-my guide saying I was a LOVE Surge, that’s for sure.

The next year as I continues my quest—with meditation, mind work, soul work, and getting in nature,  it became “this is ME” from the Greatest Showman. As I was awakening to my true self…

“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ‘em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out cause here I come

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

I’m not scared to be seen

I make NO APOLOGIES, this is ME.”

When I truly started to own ME. Ah, I love this song! 

Do you have an anthem? 

I’m trying to think what mine is this year, and I’m coming up empty—maybe it was the Indigo Girls Closer to Fine….

Anyhow, I’ll spare you more singing. 

I’m now at Starbucks near my mountain enjoying the vibes and typing away. It’s just flowing today. Another sign arrived this morning when I first got here.  I had busted out my MEfirst Guide to do my plan and realized I forgot my card deck, you know how I love to pull a card—it might just be my favorite part of my morning stack, well, one of them. 

I love the additional inspiration and self-reflection I can draw and it’s always uncanny how in alignment they are! I use the Yogic Path deck by Sahara Rose mostly. It suits my path right now and helped me learn more about Sanskrit and yoga when I was going to school at the Chopra center, and for my teachings. 

I knew the Young Jedi has this deck so I messaged for an emergency card. I wrote in my guide as I wanted, “What do my guides have to tell me today?”

In a few minutes the jedi messaged back and said I thought of you and asked the deck what your guides have for you today. 

I said, of course you did and sent a picture of that exact question I had put on my guide. LOL. 

Gotta love it…

I got Durga. The Warrior Goddess. The goddess of inner strength and ….  She is fierce and fabulous. 

The card says,” 

You are exhibiting great strength in the face of things that would make others, including former versions of yourself, crumble. 

Yes, former me would have crumbled. And It might have been with a crumble cookie. Hahaha. Damn Crumbles—if you don’t know what these are, do not go looking for them. 

 Many versions would have indeed crumbled in the face of a mini Netflix binge. 

Many moons ago it would have just let to me quitting whatever health kick I was on, to giving up. I had just failed again.

Now I have become a new version. 

A version of me that doesn’t look at failure as a negative thing, but as a learning moment on my path to the end game. Because this version of me does not stop. She picks herself up and makes the next move. She has built an arsenal of tools, like Durga to pull out what weapon is needed, and she has built these tools, one habit at a time, one learning moment at a time, feeling one emotion after another and meeting more and more of myself, right where I am, always here.

Just think, the next version of me will get up even sooner, be able to handle even more and have even more weapons. 

My future self version IS this full time love surge. She lives in radiance. I can see myself carrying it throughout my days and nights. And as I come into more and more of my radiance, it helps others as well. This is true for all of us. As we begin living in alignment—we seek our joy no matter what. Often in the face of adversity. 

What does your future self version look like? 

What tools are in your arsenal? 

I would be honored to help you put meditation in that arsenal if you are seeking a mantra based meditation, or just want to reconnect with your practice. I teach the Primordial Sound Meditation method and was certified through the Chopra Center. You all know Deepak. I told him I’m good to get a million meditators so we can elevate the consciousness of the planet. Check out the links in the show notes or on the website so you can jump in on the high vibin’!

Well my darlings, that is all for the getting back up episode! Told you there was a lot packed in there. Take aways? Perhaps to just release the judgement—we don’t have to always analyze everything either. Sometimes, we can just get back up, set the alarm and get to the mountain. 

Until next week my Witches and Bitches!
 Slayer Out!