Ep #57: Dark Night: Shedding the Old Self

Slayer shares her experience with what is known as the dark night of the soul and puts her stake in the ground, her commitment to release what is not serving her. Surrendering and letting go of what is not serving her and moving forward into the light.

Referenced in this Episode:

Facebook LIVE Slayer on Namaslayer feeling the darkness HERE

Michael Beckwith and Oprah on the Dark Night HERE

Christina Lopes Dark Night HERE

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Transcript

Do you know that there is something magical inside of you, but you don't know how to uncover it. The Heartsing podcast is dedicated to just that helping you put yourself first and figure out what lights you up. I'm your host, Addie B AKA Slayer of Namaslayer. And through my journey of losing nearly a hundred pounds, uncovering the magic of my soul and building the life of my dreams.

I'm leaving no stone unturned in the process of self discovery, and I'm here to share it all with you. So let's get started. Hello, my loves, it took everything. I had to plug this mic in tonight and come and sit and talk to you here, but I couldn't let you down. I couldn't let myself down. I'm sitting here this Thanksgiving Eve without a podcast to drop for you tomorrow.

And as always, I just am called to share what is in my heart and my soul and what I'm experiencing right now. I am going through this just discomfort in and part of what I believe the spiritual world may call the dark night of the soul. So I'm going to talk a little bit about that today. And just off the cuff, I normally prepare a lot more.

I have done a lot of research on this dark night. I've been listening to podcasts and watching movies and just, how can I move through this? What feels like sludge faster? Get me through the other side. I just feel, ah, and I know it's the shedding of my old self in me hanging on to parts of my old self that don't serve me and learning to detach myself from this part of me that doesn't serve me walking into the light more.

I also don't think this is my first dance in the dark side. In fact, I know it's not. And I really think for those of you that know my story, my initial awakening, if you will, the 300 pound Bala misery where I just got to my knees and said help finally, and just completely turned myself over to seeking and asking in searching that initial,

you know, path into what was transformational for me. And I had a few of the sessions where I've needed to surrender more and more. And I loved this in part of the research, this idea of, and this came from a talk from a religious community. I had listened to about St. John, and they were talking about how this darkness and needing to be able to accept more of the light within us.

That it's kind of like when you have blackout curtains on your windows and someone comes in and just opens all the curtains up and you're like, no, no, my eyes, my eyes too much light. And you have to go under the covers and gradually open your eyes again. That would just can't handle all that light at one time. And that we gradually have to introduce ourselves to this light so that we can handle living in more and more radiance.

And I've sat a million times that I've often felt that my positive radiant emotion was more foreign to me feeling even more so than my negative emotion that I was kind of, I was used to kind of feeling that like experience, seeing that part of a numbing out somewhere along the line in my research, the matrix came up, the red pill for, has everyone seen the matrix?

I just really watched it. And I'm sure I saw it like 30 years ago or whatever it was, but I watched it again recently. And I was like, oh my gosh, yes. So they take the red pill. And when you take this red pill, you, you can see the separateness in the world, how they're really in these cocoons and the whole world is kind of fake and it's the stage.

And once you are awakened to your true self in who, who you are and what you're experiencing here and the unity consciousness, once you're awakened to this, to go back to exist in the world where we are just numbing out is just as painful and you don't want to stay there. And this has kind of been this month for me. I had planned this month to just kind of kick back and be relaxed and be free.

And honestly, to do a lot of these things that what I would have numbed out with the four, just kind of hang out, watch some Netflix. I have a good friend of mine that used to be a lot more in my life that really, I think I was hanging on to a lot of things with this person that also weren't serving me and don't serve me.

And not that they can't be a good friend or aren't a good friend and full of love and light in my life, but that these are the things we would do. Or the love I would get is not so necessary anymore because I get that from myself. And when it says, if I was seeking it outside of myself, and now that I know the truth of the red pill,

there's no going back and it's just discomfort going back and completely getting me off the path in bringing me to my knees again, to just say, okay, okay, what is next? How do I shed this finally? How do I just get naked? And for me, the answer to that, to the getting naked part is always doing so here with you.

And just like the first Facebook live I did, where I came out of the weight loss closet. I called it where I told all of America, well, all my friends and anyone in America that would listen to me that I was doing this, that I was losing the weight once. And for all that I believed that it was coming. And so I'm here to put my stake in the ground again today and tell you that I am still becoming this next version of me.

And I will dedicate myself to becoming this version that does not overeat, that does not drink alcohol. That does not do these things that don't serve me. And not because of those things, that those things are evil. So to speak, those are objects. Those are just things, right. It's what I'm doing in the process. I am choosing to not feel when I go on Netflix binges or when I choose to drink or overeat.

These are things that don't serve my temple, my body, my mind, and my soul. And I know my future self does not exist with these. And the universe is like, it's time Addie. It's time to stop dancing with this. And so my stake is in the ground here with you, I'm committing to fully completing this transformation and to sitting in all of the discomfort that has to come,

because there is no way it can be more uncomfortable than what I've felt in this dark night of coming through this other side of being like, okay, I surrender. And this, by the way, as part of what helps us get through that dark night, perhaps a little bit easier, all the thought leaders I listened to over and over again from Michael Beckwith when he was on the super soul episode of Oprahs and it just recently replayed.

So you could catch that podcast again, he talks about the universe, pushing us with like a two-by-four and your vision pulling you. So if you stop resisting the vision, if you stop resisting, what is to be, it can be so much easier for you. And again, listen to Chris, Christina Lopes, who's the heart Alchemist. She has a YouTube channel,

and she had a thing on the dark night as well. And her tips to get out the other side. And I had already picked my word for 2022, which is surrender. And of course the first thing she said was to surrender, right. That if we stop pushing the force, and if we just allow this, perhaps just comfort, but allow the gifts that are to come from this,

that, through this, these, this too shall pass. And we will grow as we go through this. We are caught in this place when we're in this dark night and they're spent a lot, like, how do you know you're in a dark night? What is it exactly? What are we experiencing? And a few of the key things I saw out there were,

it can feel like a, for lack of a better term, a depression. And I'm not, not like a clinical depression, right? Just that feeling in us, kind of that hopelessness that wanting to give up or there's meaninglessness to life. Which for me, it just seems crazy to say, and then I got thinking, oh my gosh, I think I was telling Mini Slayer last week.

I just want to give up, I just want to stop. I'm just tired. I just like that hopelessness and the meaningless of w which is so not true. You guys, I love what I get to do, but that I feel lost. I'm in this space of what am I to become next? And because I'm not there yet, it's that fear of that unknown and my vision not being clear yet,

which is kind of funny because for Thanksgiving, tomorrow, Mini Slayer is coming over, we're doing a craft stay and we are vision boarding. So I am going to really work on ironing this out because I need to get this vision in my direction, in my clarity, now that the stake is in the ground. And now you can all watch it in Sue because the monkey brain is not going to like this commitment,

not at all. And I am a hundred percent naked for you. Transparent my friends as much as you may or may not want to see that another thing happened this week where my uncle, the universe had used him as a vehicle again, had texted me a Marianne Williamson quote. And I said, oh, thank you. Yeah. And he said,

read it in the first person. I was like, okay, all right. Feel this coming. So I'm going to read it to you right now in the first person. And here we go. My deepest fear is not that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I'm powerful beyond measure. It is my light, not my darkness that most frightens me.

I asked myself, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous, actually, who am I not to be? I'm a child of God. My playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. I was born to make manifest the glory of God.

That was is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same as I am liberated from my own fear. My presence automatically liberates others. Yeah. Why am I still playing small? Why am I resisting stepping into the greatness? Why am I clinging on to these things on the path of prayer,

these decisions that don't serve me, that take me to the darkness. When I know it's so much more radiant in the light. When I love how I feel when my body is being nourished and healthy and I'm in their radiance, what am I still needing to release? And I'm listening again to some of David Beckwith's work life visioning as the book. And he says in there,

this is the process of not getting of letting of letting these things go. You guys, even in the manifestation, releasing this attachment to the outcome of things, to self, to these things I've clung to, for whether it's looking for acceptance or love in a board room or on a ball court, in a bed with someone being held and kissed and touched and loved seeking affection outside of myself and it not being because it's a part of expressing the glory of God,

of my light within that expression. And so releasing of this, seeking it outside, seeking to fix what feels off inside with something outside of myself in already had the red pill already know better. And I think that's why sometimes this process, this awakening and the dark nights of the soul, they can perhaps be a little bit easier when you've had a chance to see the bliss,

which thankfully meditation had given me in meditation. I know is when I was able to truly have the knowledge, the experience to go with the knowledge, like all of these things that sound great. Like I understand there's more than always believe there is a greater power, all of this, but to have the experience of it is different than just having the knowledge of it.

Then it's like, you have this experience and you can't turn back. And you know, when you're not in alignment and you're not feeling that experience, what is wrong? What is off, what do I need to do? And sometimes it's that letting go of the doing, letting go of all of these things and just allowing and letting the universe guide me.

Oh, geez. So hard. You guys. And here I set 49 on Monday and still seeking. But knowing that journey is inside of me, this next phase, this releasing of attachments, this pure true surrender. And I'm sure it won't be the last time in this lifetime. As I get closer and closer to this lightness, this part of me going on now that feels like a death and a birth,

for sure. I feel like I'm losing somebody and physically there's like, there's been like this led hurt in my chest. And on the other side of it, I can see the radiant light, the love, the glow. And I put on a meditation and I crawl onto my yoga mat. And I'm just trying to claw out to the other side to the lightness.

And I know why I will get there because I've been there and I will, and I see glimpses now, but how to play in it more, how to choose to not play small and to play big. Because in each moment I have a choice. We all have a choice in each moment. That's going to take us down these paths, whether I go run out the door and get Panda express,

or if I continue my faster, make that glorious salad, I had planned those choices in the moment that fuel my body are as important as any choice to meditate. Like it's this completely coming together of all these things. And not from a perfectionistic standpoint, that if I do any of these things and not from Memorial judgment, like the king of death doesn't care,

there's no moral judgment. If we drink or eat like crap or any of that, it's what is not bringing you closer to. And it's that journey of our lives to uncover this magic, the soul, this light within that is within us to raise us all up to just feel the light. I knew I was going to get emotional. I did a live when I was feeling the sun Facebook the other day.

I'll try to get a lot of this stuff linked in the show notes for you guys, but because it's just so raw and real, right. Still just kind of heavy in my heart. And yet there's a tingle of excitement growing in there as I'm talking to you. And as I've been working through this, this, this week, because I know on the other side of this,

you guys, there is a rocket lit under my ass. It is gonna take me up and around the moon. And I'm excited for that. I'm excited to get through the sludge for sure. And I know that doing these things, these healthy living things, which seem so not connected to the spiritual journey, I'm talking about it, but it completely is how we take care of our bodies.

Our minds and our soul are totally related to this radiant light. And so, oh God, I was watching this self discovery documentary on Gaia. And this guy was showing he was going through this exploration of himself. He was this pretty successful restaurant tour in New York city. And he had all the things, but just had this anxiety, like he was just filling up his life with more work,

more, more money, more things, and just knew it wasn't, it wasn't the thing, right? Like it wasn't serving him. So he goes on this year long quest to really study from all these great teachers around the world and try to figure out this anxiety in himself and what he was really, really here to seek. And he was seeing one of these spiritual teachers in LA.

They were going through how he to feel emotion and how to process past trauma. And so he was going through and he feels those past trauma. And he asks her, is it necessary to process all of this past trauma? Like, do we have to dig it all up so we can move forward? And I hear this question all the time too.

And I had actually asked this question of one of my guides early in my journey, because I'd only finished half of the dark side book. And she had told me back then that, you know, maybe it was okay. I didn't go back that, you know, it was, it was probably enough what I had done. And this guy had said to him,

no, it's, it's not necessary. We can just move forward. But what you must do is when it does come up, you must deal with it. You must process it when it comes up. And I love this explanation, like, because the question becomes, do we go seeking the darkness so we can move through this darkness to get to the light?

Do we just need to wait until it arises on its own until the muck comes up and then we deal with it. And when we see ourselves buffering, we have this greater awareness of self already that we've built through cultivating better habits and having these routines in our lives. So we can see when this happens, we're like, whoa, what's going on?

What is it I need to process here. And so we can just let this darkness come. And when it does, we deal with it, we don't ignore it and not feel it, which I tried to do a good portion of the week. I will admit to you and a good portion of today, even I just was even like, I'm just going to hide under these blankets.

Oh, you guys, of course, this brings us full circle to my soundtrack for this year. Because last week in the podcast, remember I talked about my soul shine, being my mantra from like 20 18, 20 19 being this as me and I couldn't quite figure out what last year this year has been. And I think it's really been that indigo girl song, the closer to fine,

you know, the darkness has a hunger. That's insatiable and Linus has a coal. That's hard to hear. I wrap my theory around me like a blanket, no, that one, I get hit, get it off key all the time. But that idea right there, you guys, the darkness has a hunger that's insatiable and the lightness has a call.

That's hard to hear. And if anything, I've seen in these past few weeks of allowing more buffering, if you will, more Netflix, more just, and not being in my light, in my, in my true and being connected to my true self, that it's so easy to numb out in this matrix. It is so easy to take that Netflix pill.

It is so easy to order that pizza. It is so easy to have those glasses of wine. It is so easy to go down that path of prayer, to go down those choices to the darkness, to the part that is insatiable and you know, can appear that there's a lot of fun there, but there just isn't. I get just feel,

oh fuck. It's like once you've had that red pill and you see how amazing the other side can be when you're up radiating on a mountain, and then your question becomes, what do I want more of? What do I need to release still? So I can live in more of that. What is it I need to let go of? Is it a thing in general?

Is it just a part of myself that is holding onto something that, which isn't serving me past relationships, foods, habits, what? And to get real and honest with ourselves and putting our stake in the ground and seeing I am committing, watch me world, watch me as I'm committing, getting up yet again, over and over. Yes. This whole podcast is about watching me get up over and over again because isn't that what life's about the getting up over and over.

I can and wait until I'm the one that has the podcast where I'm just lightened, frigging, radiant all the time, but you guys can't either. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to end this here on this Thanksgiving Eve with that, with me telling you my story of the darkness right now, and my intention going forward on this next phase of the podcast,

as I'm closing out this year, bringing in year 49 for me. And as I head into a year one in my numerology charts, if anyone knows about numerology at all, I'm, I'm heading off on a whole new, becoming a new adventure. I'm going to end this podcast here and perhaps bring you some more dark night of the soul tools next week.

But then I also want to start this path of commitment of understanding that urges the think, feel, act cycle, kind of those basics that help us become these observers and just committing to being uncomfortable, to come out the other side of this and to come out the other side at that next future self vision. The version of me that is being, you know,

yeah, she's at her goal weight. And at that final physical idea of self that I see in my future, but it's for such different reasons now than it ever was when I started because of this light in their radiance that I feel when I do these things that serve myself and how to do them and how to not keep answering the call of the darkness.

And that is what we're about to embark on together. So saddle up my witches and bitches plenty more. And thank you, everyone out there for your love and support. I felt you all, all the little messages I've received as I think everyone's been seeing me go through this. If you follow me on social, I do not keep things close to my chest.

So you're probably aware and messages also like from my friend, Jenny, that was sure to tell me, Hey, we're going through a collective dark night of the soul right now. So some of the energy we might be feeling might not even be from ourselves. And, you know, I love to think that I have complete control over my life and my creation of everything around me.

So I'm going to stick with that, but I don't deny that there's energy I'm feeling right now that I'm just, I'm not quite so sure I have complete control over, but since I know I do control how I feel and how I act. And I show up in the world, I am going to do my best to show up better and better each day,

every day I can and share here with you guys. So until next week, my witches in bitches, I hope you add a magnificent Thanksgiving and here's to year 49 for Slayer more next week, Slayer out