Ep #58: Surrender & Commitment: Losing over 100 pounds, the final 30 lbs, Goals, Drinking, Food, Spiritual Awakening

Are you ready to step into the arena and nail your goal? Are you done playing small? Do you want to be? What is holding you back from acheiving your goal? Whether it be weight loss, a business venture, or just daring to create a goal. What are you afraid to commit to? Join slayer on this Soul driven episode on the final fronteir of her health journey as she confronts all of this and more. Drinking, the Wine Wench, Flour/Sugar "the crack" and all our favorite old nemisis appear in this episode as Slayer rises up from the "mud" or the dark night of the soul.  She has "thrown down the gauntlet" and is finally commiting to what it is she knows needs to be done to reach her health goal, and ultimately her next level of radiance, which was driven by her goal of wanting to become "Author Addie", and refocused her right back where it all started, but as a different version of herself. Leave this episode with inspiration and helpful questions to start to redefine your commitment to your goal, and SLAY IT! Let's light this B up!

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IN THIS EPISODE
Heartsing Podcast to hack your sleep:
Grow Younger: Sleep, Age Reversal, Gut Health Biohacking with Mary Beal Adler (Ep 54)

Michael Bernard Beckwith (audible version link)
Life Visioning: A Transformative Process for Activating Your Unique Gifts and Highest Potential

Slayer's Avo Bowl--YUMMMMM!
I couldn't find the link (bombing creating one--see the episode on Perfectionism for more on bombing) ;)  Hit me up on SOCIAL (see above)  PM me Addie Beall on Facebook, IG me, or email me at slayer@namaslayer.com, subject: avo bowl and I'll send you the JPG. It's delish, and I LOVE mail! xo Slayer 

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Transcript

Commitment: Are you all in? Goals, Weight loss, Sugar, Flour, Drinking and Soul Awakening

Welcome back to the Heartsing Podcast where your host, Addie B, that’s me…has risen once again and we are flying high today! What a week of revelations it’s been for me and I am so excited to share with you I’m not even sure where to start! Today we are going to dive into commitment together—mine and yours. Are you ready to make that big impossible dream happen? IF so, listen up, maybe even get a pen out for this one and get ready to light this B up! 

I guess it’s best to bring you up to speed in case you are hopping in on this episode, haven’t listened to last weeks, or heck, can’t even remember what it was about—that was me, I had to go back and listen to myself, because while I knew I was sharing about the sludge I was in…this apparent Dark night business—where one is experiencing this discomfort, and feeling like you lost your way, just overall feeling like things aren’t aligning. 

You can always listen to episodes on their own, but I do weave in my personal saga of the moment—sharing with you as I’m learning so I like to give you some context from week to week. I’m still in Arizona and loving so much about being back here, especially this time of year. I had planned to take November off, which now that I have done my monthly planning for December with the MEfirst Sisterhood and reviewed my pretty non-existent November plan I realized that I just totally cashed out on November all together. I didn’t just take November off doing a lot of work type things, I took it off being ME. 

 I put on my non-judgmental scientist hat when reviewing what data there was to look at and just laughed…did my lack of planning lead to being in the mud? For sure it was part of it, but as with everything else, I would not change a minute because that mud led me to so much magic this week and I’m on the cusp of playing big again! 

Bursting into the unknown full force! Ready to light this B up!

We left off last week, with me questioning why I was still playing small and committing to at least start showing up for my health again, and in that making the final commitment of implementing my health protocol, which I am ready for now. 

I had not publicly “really” stated that I was committing to doing these things that I see my future self doing—or not doing in this case. You see, when I see this vision of me radiant, strong, loving and just SO FULL OF LIFE, she cares for herself REALLY well. I do a lot of vision work and do it daily and I don’t see her lifting a wine glass or eating unhealthy food. She cares for her body, her physical being AND her mind and soul. She does yoga every day, meditates, writes, plans, swims, is in nature, and she shares her soul with the world. She shares wherever people will let her share her light—in writing, through her voice. I can see her days. I can feel her body. I can see the healthy, live food she is eating. I can see how each day feels so nourishing to her entire being. 

Now this isn’t a change that happens overnight going from a 300 lb ball of misery with anxiety pangs in her chest to committing to what I’m about to share with you here. And, I want to be clear that this next phase will be uncomfortable for me, but I’m no longer scared to state that I am going to be sugar free/flour free and alcohol free. I am going to actively pursue creating a life where I enjoy more activity, including more yoga, mediation and nature. Yes, I practice these things now, and have been over the past few years of shedding these 110 ish pounds depending on when you are talking to me. 

This brings me to the difference in WANTING something and COMMITTING to something—you see I WANTED to be these things, I created the vision, I knew I desired to be free—therefore my mantra FOOD IS FUEL, but it’s been a journey to get here with this clarity and feeling in my gut, like when I went LIVE with that first video on my Addie Beall Facebook page where I told the world I was losing weight and I was doing it, no matter what. I remember being scared, uncertain—fearing I may fail, but knowing in my heart I had to tell the world because I wanted to show everyone AS I was becoming, not AFTER. 

It also created a great accountability for myself…and really was what started the gathering of women, like we enjoy in the MEfirst Sisterhood, which has led me to create this life of my dreams. 

The funny part—or maybe ironic is the better word is that my vision for Author Addie is what has brough us here—a totally unrelated goal. I am supposed to have a rough draft done according to my Q4 plan, but working this Author Addie vision, really seeing what her life looked like, as I started to write and create, I was pointed right back to my health quest. When I told my guides I was struggling writing, they just laughed at me, as they do. Once again, they reminded me that it is all so easy. They told me it’s simple, just get in alignment and WRITE. 

And I wanted to scream because I felt all sorts of out of alignment because I want to write a book and isn’t this just my monkey brain that doesn’t want to sit down and write? Like, shouldn’t I force myself through this discomfort? I decided not this time, that this vision drawing me right back to my health quest was indeed because I had unfinished business on my original goal. I needed to find this alignment and THEN sit to write. There was a lesson here.  I WILL write a book and have that goal achieved, but I know it will also be a little easier than this, and I learned a lot of lessons in the 11,000 words I have written in the process. I feel ready to tackle that now when I’m back in alignment with my soul. 

I already had this November planned off so I just buried my head in the sand, so to speak, and didn’t start getting in alignment. I went the opposite way, eating and drinking all the things—yep, I’m SO NOT PERFECT. I can tell you I will not regain this weight, but I can also tell you that the ride down on the scale? Is definitely a dance in lessons. 

Lessons of the mind, heart, body and soul. 

If you pay attention to these lessons on this weight loss ride, or any journey to a goal, you will inevitably uncover so much more than the goal and it will lead you question what you really do know. It will also give you the tools to create from a bigger and bigger field of possibilities, which are infinite of course. 

As my weight loss journey became so much less about the scale, and I feel good in my body now, and let’s face it, I look great! But the thing is…I can look great and still do all of these things that don’t serve me-we all can. You can be thin, healthy, the most beautiful person on the planet and also be the unhealthiest and the most disconnected to Self. 

This is where I’m at on my journey. Needing that next big WHY do I want to be in alignment? Why do I want to be healthy?  My why that starting driving this from a weight loss perspective was to look and feel good in my jeans on my motorcycle…

That might sound more superficial then “I want to be in alignment” but who the hell cares? It was true, I just wanted to look and feel good. I wanted to be “hot”. That’s a great reason too! Don’t be shamed by your reasons my friend. Me getting honest with WHY I wanted to lose weight was a catalyst for us being here today, with me 110 pounds lighter. I wasn’t walking around saying, “Oh, I just want to be healthy.” Hell no---and that’s actually not my reason now. “Alignment” Might sound like it, but this is more like I want to have that feel good life force energy running through me more: it’s orgasmic almost at times, and I like it. I want more. Worded like that is maybe to the ear much more self-serving, but that’s exactly the ticket. Your reason needs to be self-serving. You have to crave it, desired it, dream about it, have ENERGY around it. How do you get energy around “I want to be healthy”? 

Remove the shame about why you REALLY want it, and you may get down to your reason, and so what if it looks self-serving. It should. You won’t do it because someone ELSE wants it, YOU have to want it. 

Before I had that honesty with myself, with that desire, I was asleep at the wheel of my life. I would try to do things to get healthier, but it was lackluster, my horses were running the show. I was jumping from one buffer to the next: Work, Netflix, Food, Wine, rinse, repeat…I was asleep at the wheel of my life, just letting it steer itself until that 300 lb. ball of misery weekend where I heard the voice, “Just get up Addie. It’s time”

I heard that voice again today after a particularly soul opening Yin yoga experience. I wept a few times in this practice. Wept in gratitude and in love with the greatness that was radiating from inside of me. As I pushed myself in these poses that were opening and releasing emotions I had stored in my muscles—yeah, that’s a thing, tears started to slide down my face. I was glad we were bowed over. 

As we were lying there in Shavasana afterword, if you don’t go to yoga—this is what you go for my friend! You lie there on your back after having shown your body such love in movement and just let it all go. This feeling was why I had even put Meditation on my original Every Day bucket list back before my world changed. 

One of the things that came up in my dark night research last week was about Surrendering. I’m lying there in this Shavasana thinking of the Surrendering, of the letting go of my ego self, and my attachment to things, people, my body. I touched my hip and stomach area…it was as if I wasn’t even FEELING but I could. There was no fat at all. There was only my strong lithe body and the life force energy that was pulsing through me. It was as if she was showing me, “This is who you are”, and it wasn’t just my body, it was my being, but it’s the first time I have TRULY FELT my 162 pound body, and it was delivered to me in Shavasana, in this final resting pose. 

The full body heartsing radiance of my heart. I was one with my body, mind, soul, the room, the world. Tears leaked again from the corners of my eyes and when I wanted to ask what I needed to do to surrender more, to serve, to live in more of this light. I wanted the Universe to KNOW I’m ready. To see me showing up for me. Making my body, mind and soul strong so I could handle more of the light. So that I can move through my days with this light within me. In my body, radiant as it is when it just feels so good. And, I know it’s just a touch of it. I know there is even more beyond this energy. 

I want to joyously receive ALL DAY LONG but feel like I should be serving, I should have to PAY for this radiance somehow, shouldn’t I? 

I didn’t even ask or even voice these thoughts in my head, but they were in there, my deep seeded beliefs rising again about unworthiness, having to work hard to receive things. 

The Voice came in the blankness of my resting pose and said softly over and over.

Just be the light, Addie. Just be the light, Addie

I knew this wasn’t my ego self. It was THAT Voice. 

It was this soft voice full of loving kindness and compassion so great that it’s bringing me to tears now. 

Yes, just be the light, Addie. 

This is what I am seeking, and then I was thinking after about how this is what this podcast was created for—the seeking of that something more inside, and I assure you, this is definitely the something more-whatever term we want to put on it—Life Force Energy, God, Universe, She…and many more names man has given this energy before. The energy that at essence is US anyway, not separate after all, not some deity to throw judgement on us and punish us but to over and over again be there with a voice of loving kindness and compassion beyond our imaginations if we just get still enough to listen. 

The more I live in alignment, the more I experience this greatness within. This does not mean you can’t experience this greatness if you aren’t healthy, on the contrary, when I first had the knowing of this energy, I was far from where I am now, drinking regularly, eating all kinds of junk still, but I had started meditating, and I learned about my mind, and kept increasing my awareness. 

All of this to say that I am at this part in my journey, that I have been playing small not fully committing to this part that will move me forward to this next vision of myself, and I have kept parts of this hidden from myself too, I think. 

You see, I KNOW how to lose weight now. I even know how to make it easy. I didn’t have my last little nugget yet, no, that’s not true, I did…I KNEW that for me to live in more of this light, to be this next version of me it meant releasing parts of me I wasn’t ready to say good bye to yet. I didn’t want to fully say goodbye to Happy Hour Addie or Small Town Ice Cream Shop Addie. Although, on my journey I have said goodbye to both MANY times and each time I do…there is no regret for letting them go, only for allowing them back in. 

I wanted to keep telling myself that I could enjoy these things AND enjoy the heartsing, because I had before. The problem was, I have changed myself at the CORE. I am not longer THAT version of myself and my new self does NOT like me when I do these things. My new self implements full body pangs of electrical shocks now—it’s like a neon friggin sign “WRONG PATH SLAYER”. 

And, yet, I could try to ignore it and keep eating, drinking, ignoring it. Go to Doctors to see what is wrong with me. Why am I feeling this? 

Or, I could just do what I already know. I already KNOW inside that this is my message that it’s the wrong path. That is the Preya path, the one that does not serve us and we are sure as hell not going there again and my soul is telling me through my body—listen up sister—it’s TIME. It’s time to rise again. 

As I laid on the mountain last week, I asked myself what is it I really WANT? Now, I ask myself this every day in meditation, but it had been awhile since I just sat and THOUGHT. I was listening to Michael Beckwith’s Life Visioning book when came back into my world. I read this a couple of years ago. It became so clear to me—that the Author Addie vision had brough me to this moment. To these crossroads, or being swallowed I the mud, or rising up, and as Michael says, Spirit will always win—as if it's a competition—it’s not. We are already eternal and will return, it’s weather we are going to shed these things that don’t serve us so we can rise up and wake up and create what we are here to create. Then he dropped my new favorite line, “Surrender is yielding to excellence”

AHHHHh….yes!!! This came to me in yoga too! As I was lying there thinking, I surrender to the will of my soul. I accept all as it is. And then the yielding picture came to mind, of yielding on a freeway. Of the traffic whizzing by—that’s my life force energy when she is lit up! I can’t even get my ego car, the one that is waiting to get on the freeway on—there is no space, there are only lightening fast cars. This is how the yielding to excellence is. The Light in us the Excellence—the Universe, God, Source, whatever your name is, is so strong, and has so much power, when we yield and let it flow, we, our ego is still there, but it’s on a side road, and when we get farther away from living with our connection to this source, then our ego pops on the freeway and is like WOO HOOOOOO Joy ride m-fers! Let’s LIVE IT UP! This ego joy ride interrupts the flow. 

That’s what happens to my November. My ego highjacked the freeway you guys! She almost stopped traffic, thank goodness for my habits and my sisters! I am not sure if all of you know how much you support me right back. You hold the space for me as I work through all of this, and I don’t ever feel judgement, I only feel the love. From my family too, not just my kids and ex hubby that are amazing support, but my Aunt and Uncles…—Mary, Badger, Bobby, through Mom you were brought back into my world support me on this phenomenal part of my life. Your nuggets of wisdom and encouragement are gifts straight from the Universe. I know they are. 

Okay, enough of the sappy business, I’m getting teared up over here. I just want to say I am so grateful for each and every one of you listening, that holds the space for me, and is curious with me. I’m so excited for what we are all embarking on! 

Back to the commitment…

Back  in 2018 when I did my first ever 90 day plan, I asked myself, what is it I really want to do for these 90 days? Do you ever ask yourself this? Try it now! Now time like the present. Pause me and ask. 

For me, back then it was to lose 30 pounds. 

Then I asked, is it physically possible to lose 30 pounds in 30 days? Oh yes, totally. (notice I didn’t ask if it was possible for ME. I just asked if it was possible).

Then I asked, What would I need to do for that to happen? Ask yourself that now. What is it you need to do for this maybe impossible goal to happen? What are you hiding from or scared to commit to? 

My answer was layered, but the main part for me then was to not drink-it was a cycle and a quick stress release for me.  Back then I couldn’t imagine 30 days much less 90 without wine, I mean, I had events to attend! I knew I could go weeks, but man, The 4th of July was in there…I couldn’t possibly attend 4th of July BBQ’s without it. But I said, if you knew you would lose 30 pounds in 90 days, would you do it? 

The answer was yes. I started out committing to 30 days, and felt so great I went the full 90. Again, the only regret? Not those events without wine, which by the way also spared my monkey brain from thinking she was getting all the deserts and fatty foods everywhere too, because it turns out I’m pretty okay with eating healthy when I have my full capacities. I ENJOY healthy food, and when I feel good, I make plans, I learn more and increase my skills. 

So I asked myself this past week, before last week’s podcast, “What is it you really desire?” and the answer was to FEEL great—to live in the heartsing, to be in alignment so I can create all the things I want to, and the book with flow, and everything else. I want THAT. I want to be her. I want Author Addie. I want joyous, loving, strong, compassionate, abundant in every way Author Addie. The full vision—the sisterhood, the summer camp for women, the retreats, building community, speaking, sharing everywhere, I want to be engaged in life, but FULL of life as well. 

Then I asked, What do I need to do for this to happen? 

The is oddly similar to my answer in 2018. HA! How’s that for knowing what we need and always loving to take the long path? I sure wouldn’t hand back any lessons though—this is how I have BECOME. 

Bottom line is I need to fully commit to my health protocol because this brings in alignment all other things for me. IN fact, maybe I haven’t been LIVE on Facebook not because the algorithms suck, because it’s never really been about this, but maybe because I have known this truth and I’ve been hiding from myself too. I absolutely cannot lie on camera, it’s my rule, and besides I suck at it. My eyes dark all over and I look like I just stole something. 

As much as I strive to live authentically, this truth has been within me and I haven’t been committed. My ego self didn’t want to let her go and I KNOW for me the answer is in here. In honoring my body. This is how my journey to uncovering my soul started and it’s only fitting that my vision of my next version brought me right back to this journey I have not finished—my health quest. 

So of course, I asked myself what are you WILLING TO DO ABOUT IT? 

I will commit to not drinking. I’m done. I don’t even drink much anymore, but the repercussions of even a little bit I don’t like. Messes with my sleep, my habit stacks, my body, it becomes too easy to not hear my signals and I might be missing my nuggets from the Universe! 

Also, it’s not a good thing to put in my vessel.  It does not serve me and I LOVE how I feel without it. I’m done dancing with the Wine Wench, she’s not a good leader anyhow and I’m a shitty follower on a dance floor. Heh, perhaps anywhere. I’m a good team player, but I’m not a good follow-someone blindly person, I need all the reasons!

I’m also committing to No Flour/No Sugar as when I allow these back in, it also does not feel good and just makes living in alignment harder. I don’t want them any more—I don’t want to be on the crack (that’s the flour and sugar, just incase you thought I was adding another habit in the mix).  I can eat whatever else I want, I’ve gotten good enough at that, and working with my Viome gut health test. Please note that I did not start out here if you are just listening for the first time and this food process is a journey, at which I started with eating ALL The things cultivating awareness and building new habits and skills that helped get to this version. I didn’t lose 110 pounds being totally gluten Free/Sugar free, although I’ve loved how my body feels and known this since 2011, but I haven’t and still don’t always abide by my vessel, Working on that, obvi.

The next thing is to build accountability—hello this podcast! I’m telling you all and I’m doing all the things in my sisterhood to add in layers of accountability: I created a challenge I have to show up for, I am committing to my habit stacks and reporting in. As I’m guiding our smaller groups, I’m also staying engaged and motivated from just having a space where we all talk about focusing on our goals and trying to put ourselves first. 

How can you create accountability for your goal? Do you have an accountability partner or friend? Are you committed to them too? Can you find others to support your journey? And remember to beware of those Dream Killers—the ones that want to doubt your goals, maybe you don’t tell them yet, not until you work through the fear with your believing mirrors. 

Your believing mirrors are the people you surround yourself that hear your dreams and shout with you HELL YEAH! Let’s do this! You are going to nail this! And when you feel like you are in the mud, they don’t try to fix you, they are like you all are for me, “I feel you sister, don’t worry, you will get up again, and when you do it will be even BIGGER! You got this!”

THOSE people. The ones that believe in you even more than you do. 

I bet I nail my weight loss goal by march, but I haven’t even laid out numbers yet. I will as I have weighed every day of my life and its great data, but now I also have lots of other data. I have my sleep data too which is what I’m currently working on hacking—sleep that is and the process is game changing!! See the episode with Mary on here, I’ll link it for Sleep hacking info. I have the Oura ring now, and you guys, I am not disappointed. I never am with Mary’s recommendations, but I like to take the long road to getting to things, apparently. Heh. 

You know what is going to happen with me committing on this last leg of my path? 

Like FINALLY putting the line in the sand and saying, I’m doing it! Let’s GO!

I’m telling the Universe, no, I’m showing the Universe I am ready to hold more light. I am preparing my body, mind and soul for perhaps even more mud ahead, but the Universe will know it can open those BIG doors now, because I will be able to hold more light.

Everything else is going to fall into place. No where up in those commitments do you even see my habits which is what it really will come down to, my actions like more yoga, meditate, get up early, do magic pages, earthing, but in the application of all I have learned and teach, these are implied to me. 

I know that this commitment not only requires these actions from me to some degree, but also instigates them. It’s like a win-win. I commit, and all of these tools I have spend learning and putting into habits over the past few years line up and fall into place.  

Its’ started already too, I mean you might have gathered that from my soul opening yoga experience, but there was more behind this week leading here and it started with changes that are from this commitment.  

As part of my accountability and game plan, I called my daughter last week and changed my birthday plans for this past Monday. She was going to take me out to all my favorite places—to eat, drink and be merry. I told her I was done with old me. I’m ready to move into this next phase, I’m done resisting my greatness so I wanted to redefine my birthday and show u as the NEW ME on My DAY. I suggested a waterfall hike I’ve wanted to do and just lounging around a pool somewhere, eating healthy and just relaxing with her, and she countered with the Spa. Heh, okay…I’ll take the spa, thanks Mini! I can hit the mountain on my own, and that’s just what I did. 
 I got up extra early, intent on bringing in my 49th year just how my perfect day would look. I headed to the mountain when it was still dark and hiked up as the sun rose over the mountains in the distance. A soft warm red and orange glow was everywhere and there is a beautiful Mormon temple at the base that was like a white little castle all aglow with it’s lights. It was magical. I hiked up, took my shoes off and started to meditate and then the bees found me, and hovered long enough I had my first thought about looking up the meaning of bees. And then I realized they liked the orange in my crazy leggings and were trying to sit on it. Listen, I love mother nature, but it’s a little hard to meditate wondering if I’m going to get stung, so I put my shoes back on and headed down the mountain…I didn’t even let my monkey brain think we weren’t going to meditate—not on my birthday! This is my perfect day vision…I can meet my true self anywhere…in the middle of a mall if I need to. Just sit down, be still and say my mantra. So I meditated in the car, headed to a yoga class, then picked up Mini and headed to the spa for the day where we just enjoyed ourselves immensely…

And here’s where the commitment comes in…it was my birthday, right? My monkey brain was like you should have some ice cream. She was really intent. I remembered this was NEW me. That commitment isn’t about saying NO to something it’s about saying YES to sitting in emotions that perhaps I don’t want to feel—sadness, loneliness, excitement, whatever it might be that is driving this craving for some ice cream. I have committed—not to NO ice cream, but into showing up for how I feel in spite of having the ice cream. 

I recognized I was just seeking a feel good birthday treat. And I flipped it around and asked myself, how do I want to eat on my birthday? 

I was the one making the rules here. How did I want to feel? I want to be PROUD of me for executing this day of my vision. I want to feel GOOD in my body without sugar. 

I have committed to no sugar…and I rolled by the ice cream shoppe….it was a slow roll, but let me tell you what else—the Universe had moved the ice cream shoppe across the street too! It wasn’t where it normally is which was just another big sign. 

Ah, yes, here we go. And it begins.

I didn’t’ turn around or seek another ice cream place, there are a million, instead, I found my way back home to make an Avo bowl instead, which I enjoy just as much, by the way. It’s delicious., by the way! I think I have a link for that, I’ll drop it below. It’s like chocolate ice cream. YUM!!!!

I lost 4 pounds on my birthday…I think some of that was steamed off my body of course, but I’ll take it. HEH. The scale? That’s just a reflection of my choices that are serving my body or not. Data. And sometimes it’s not even that—you know how fickle the scale can be. I know when I swim I’m up a few pounds the next day. It’s all so fascinating. Here’s a squirrel for you but talk about fascinating-- the Young Jedi found a podcast this week talking about how fat is processed and the scientist being interviewed explained that fat is removed from the body through AIR. Say WHAT? Air????

I have to listen to that one yet, I’ll ask the Young Jedi to drop the link in the Facebook group for those of you that want to have a listen. 

That’s my update on my commitment and moving forward on what is ultimately my original quest still—my physical self health quest, but is so much more about my spiritual awakening, about my drive to live in this greatness more and more. To better understand how I am the co-creator of this life, how to shed this ego and surrender. 

To yield to excellence. 

So I leave you this week with these thoughts—What is it that you are resisting committing to that you know to be true? That thing that you need to do on your path to be successful at your goal? 

Sit and write about this, and do yourself a favor, don’t lie and hide from it. The answer is within you and the sooner you say, I would need to do XYZ you can get to the bottom of why you are NOT doing it. 

Why are you afraid to step into your greatness? 

Do you dare REALLY commit? 

Find your believing mirrors and start dreaming, start believing in the possibilities, get honest and start taking action…and of course, get up over and over again as you will fail on this quest-that is where the glory is, in coming out the other side. 

My journey with the wine wench, is so funny right? It’s still the same thing I’m saying I need to do to get to my goal, and while my WHY has changed, that thing that I know within me is not serving me has also changed. My relationship to alcohol is completely different. 

I was telling one of my groups tonight that I remember in 2018 when I committed to that 30 days without drinking I was freaking out. I was scared. 

Now? I’m excited. I’m ready. It’s been a journey, but I don’t need to learn any more on that path. 

It keeps me playing small, and I’m done playing small. 

I’m ready to step into the arena, again, on this final leg of my quest. 

Finally throwing down the gauntlet on this battle with the wine wench. I’m just so over her, and of course the crack. Heh

So, my darling witches and bitches, what are you ready to throw down the gauntlet on? 

I can’t wait to hear about it. 

Let’s light this B up, shall we? 

Until next week, 

Slayer Out