Ep #60: Heart Break: Feeling Deeply

When is the last time you succumbed to deep feelings without using a crutch of some sort? Fresh out of a dark night of the soul, releasing a layer of ego, and bad habits that were hanging on not surving, Slayer has a personal separation with someone she loves and is feeling every moment. Well, most of it..there is still a big ASS bag of Boom-A-Chicka-Pop...but AFTER lots of feels. Slayer shares from her heart in this episode..a broken heart. Allowing the feelings while working on not buffering, releasing, surrendering and coming out the other side. Taking her broken heart out of the mud that is sinking it deeper and into the bright, white, healing ocean light. 

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Transcript

Do you know that there is something magical inside of you, but you don't know how to uncover it. The Heartsing podcast is dedicated to just that helping you put yourself first and figure out what lights you up. I'm your host, Addie B AKA Slayer of Namaslayer. And through my journey of losing nearly a hundred pounds, uncovering the magic of my soul and building the life of my dreams.

I'm leaving no stone unturned in the process of self discovery, and I'm here to share it all with you. So let's get started. Hello, my lovely friends and family at DB here at case Slayer. And this is a Slayer live unscripted episode. It is Wednesday afternoon, really a day before I normally do the podcast and I'm usually scripted or somewhat formatted.

So it's not as squirrely as my brain can be. So if this one goes a little all over the place, just use it like how I use you guys, right? You are my best friends that I am sharing my heart and soul with you. And I have so much to get out of my heart and into the airwaves today. So just sit back and hold some space for me,

because I really need you to, I am sitting over here with a bit of a broken heart, and we came off last week where I was talking about training my monkey brain and just finally thrown the gauntlet down on not drinking, really not overeating, really working to feel my emotions and come into this next version of living at my highest self as much of the time as I possibly can.

And using this to grow like I want to continue growing. So this past weekend I have a dear friend of mine here in town and his sister was coming to visit. And this is someone that we were intimately close for years and have just had a really great friendship. They've been really supportive of me. And yet I know there's always been this kind of hanging on of our relationship in some aspects too.

You know, it's been kind of a blend of all of it and not on an intimate level other than just a deep love and a deep friendship. And this past weekend, you know, I, I totally, I can't even explain to you how far I've come with the wine wench as I like to call her. Right. I, I will do an episode just on that because so many listeners have reached out and said,

you know, they're doing a dry December and really looking at alcohol from like a habitual standpoint, but also how it's just not serving like me getting to my goals or living in my, and yielding to the excellence. And so I really, I went into this weekend with a lot of preparation and last week's podcast really helped me do that. You know,

anticipating what my brain might say. And I really had no issues. I was happy. They were enjoying themselves and even took them out for drinks. And, you know, just had a really good time up until the last day. And we went out and I could see it coming like a freight train because they have unresolved issues and really deep within him about a situation that had happened with his,

his sister, like eons ago. Right. So it blew up and it came to a boiling point to where, you know, the sister and I left and it just really entirely shifted all of our relationships in, you know, not the sister and I dear friends as ever, but our relationship, both of us with, with him and the trust in all of that.

And it was just heartbreaking. And my heart is just kind of wrenched wide open. And I didn't really think I would feel this deeply about it. You know, it's almost like I'm like we were definitely in a soul pod or something. I don't know. It's just like, I feel like my heart's just like kind of punctured. And I was writing this morning and I said,

I know it feels like my heart is torn open and it's in mud. And the mud is seeping into the heart and just pulling it and making it heavier in my body. This was like the feeling of my heart spaces just like covered in this mud. And so I wrote back to myself when I was doing my counter thoughts, cause I do this believe new thoughts,

exercise every day. And I wrote back to myself and I said, what if we think about this heart being in that ocean of white light, bright healing light, like we're going to take the heart out of the mud and put it in this ocean of light and surround it with light and let it come through all the holes in the heart and just coming from this place of love and compassion and knowing that this person is going to find their way.

And in some way it's just, you know, it's, it's just not going to be with me there. And I don't know. It's like, you know, you always think you're going to be there to see people come out. The other side of what's holding them back maybe, or that you can be there to help in some way. And really,

how can we help other than to just say, Hey, I'm here. I'm, I'm still loving. I'm going to come from this place of love, but also from a distance, right? And you guys just so heavy, you know, and you know, this is I, and then I look back at my life path and how, you know,

I'm at the end of this nine year cycle in complete closure of everything that's been happening in this dark night of the soul and coming through to this final realization that, Hey, I only I'm stopping me from living in my radiance in my glory. And I'm stopping myself by doing these habits that aren't serving me relationships that don't serve me. And this was one and letting it go,

just letting it go and being, you know, so I went to yoga when I got back and, you know, just got in, got in pigeon and was weeping. And I thought, man, I didn't realize I would just feel this, this deeply, you know, and feeling you guys actually feeling my emotions, feeling sadness and disappointment and shame and love and compassion and feeling the emotions instead of buffering them.

And I realized, it says weeping there in pigeon pose. And you know, we hold all those emotions in our hips. Right? Get in pigeon, you guys do some figure four stretches, get those hips open. Oh my God. I found the greatest massage therapist that gets in the hips. Really good. If you're in Phoenix, hit me up,

I'll send you his info. Amazing. I've never had anyone get in there like that. Okay. That was a little side note. But so I'm in yoga, I'm in child's pose and I'm just kind of like, I feel this releasing, you know, and I realize it, wasn't just what happened this weekend. It's this overall that I've been letting go of this situation this month,

you know, of this relationship that doesn't serve me. The habits that don't serve me, the just not creating daily and being in my radiant Staley and in alignment and in a spiritual health, you know, I was listening to Bernie brown and Oprah today. Bernay's new book. You guys is going to be a game changer. I might have to book club.

This anyone's interested pee on me. I could think I had to put a book club together because it is going to be a game changer. It's a language of emotions and it's called Atlas of the heart. So I listened to it, her first with Glennon Doyle on Glennon, Doyle, his podcast so much good stuff. You guys, so that might come out as I'm sitting here talking to you,

but then with Oprah. And she said, she just said, she said that neutrality is only possible when we are spiritually healthy, like to come from a situation of being neutral of allowing others emotions and really being able to observe and be in our space. And that our issues in the world are because it's Loveless issues. And Bernie said this and that she's going to throw love at things.

And I'm like, I want to throw love at things. It's all I want to do. Right. And it's, so my mom, you guys love don't hate Lux. Even D has that tattooed on her shoulder. Love don't hate Martin Luther king quote, you know, but I grew up every other sentence in our house. It seems like love don't hate,

love don't hate. And now it's just like, it's a mantra, right? Like anytime I see a negative thought, come in or a judgment just love, you know, love no fear. Don't hate. Like how can I live in that space more and more? And it's when I'm in this alignment and when I'm in my spiritual health. And so I left yoga the other night was the night before last and I'm walking through the grocery store and I'm seeing things that remind me of this person.

And I'm just kind of weepy. I'm just kind of like, I, I know this is the letting go. It's truly really saying goodbye and just letting go of all of those things. You guys, it's not just the person, right? It's not just a person I'm saying goodbye to it's this old self, this old me that wanted so badly to hang on because it was safe and it was easy.

And it was ways I thought I felt love. And that just weren't now that I know the radiance on the other side of just being in this space. And so I was so I'm like, wow, I'm really feeling I'm choosing to feel. And I didn't have an urge for the wine food. I was like, wow, I'm just really feeling this.

I can't look at how far I've come. I can actually feel my emotions. This is amazing. So just kind of like in awe of myself really all day, and I hadn't, I was, I guess I was fasting. I just really didn't feel like eating. And I had grocery shopped. I wanted to get some healthy things and chicken just sounded good.

So I got a rotisserie chicken and something else, but I really still wasn't hungry. And it was later than I like to eat, but I got home and I did eat and I mindlessly ate in front of the criminal minds. You guys, I did. I just like Vegeta. You know, I went like, I still have these old habits that I do.

And not that they're not going to be there and present, like, I'm never going to watch a criminal minds episode, but it's in the manner that it's done and not being mindful of the food. And so as I was well on my walk back home today, there's a purpose to all this. I was like walking in. I was like, he knew I should just go record whether I publish this or not just go talk out my emotions and try to articulate how I'm feeling and what I've gone through rather than I wanted to come in.

I had picked up an AHI bowl for lunch and just kind of zone out and watch a show or something. I'm doing a workshop later tonight. Just kind of take a minute and take a break. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to sit down. I'm going to talk to my friends and then you can do whatever, but you're going to talk first and you're going to share.

And so here we are last night though. So, so I, last night I had a bit of an over, like a total complete binge. Okay. It was no ovary. I allowed myself to skip my PM meditation. And every time I do that, you guys, it is like synonymous with over eating dinner or eating, or just like buffering.

Because really that time of the day for me, it's like the 3 34 mark. And this is how it was corporate Atty days. Right. I would, I'd actually feel my body kind of have a let down at that time. Like I needed that break and it used to be, I'd go to the candy jar. And then I had found meditation and it was like,

oh, 20, 30 minutes, zap. I'm good to go for another three, four hours while I didn't give myself the zap yesterday. Right. And so I had this, this huge off plan eat, you know, and it was a boom Chicka pop you guys. So, and it was sugar, which we also know I'm slaying. So I had to go report him.

We're doing this accountability challenge in the system. And I was like, oh, I got to add a big aspect of Boomchickapop that kettle corn kine. Cause I just like allowed myself to drive all the way to the Walgreens and get a bag of this popcorn and come back and mindlessly, eat popcorn and eat until I couldn't feel these emotions anymore. I'm like,

I can feel these emotions. I'm going to figure out how to feel these emotions. And yes, I could have controlled that. Totally understand that you guys totally, but you're getting all of it in those podcasts. Right? All of my podcasts, it's been an entire journey of these things still happening. I was talking to a group the other day and we were talking about hiding food and,

you know, shoving that kettle corn bag under, at the bottom of the garbage. And this would be the equivalent of me leaving that out of this podcast. Right? Hiding the Gar in the garbage, the food we've eaten. Or I know people standing in the laundry room eating the ding-dongs, right? Like that shame we have around the food. And so when,

again, with the Atlas of the heart book, so I'm listening to Oprah and Renee talk and they were talking about shame and perfectionism and how shame breeds, perfectionism shame being this fear of judgment, this fear of blaming, right? This horrible feeling we get like no one wants to feel shame. We'd rather hurt people than feel hurt. And shame is like that feeling that emotion we don't want to feel.

And that perfectionism is the result of this, like right. We want to be perfect and absolutely everything we do in the execution of all our plans and all of these things that we want to look at us, like we are frigging perfect, right. That we don't go through and, you know, eat bags of popcorn after having lost 110 pounds. Right.

That, whoa, we're just perfect. Now still have these moments, you guys and gas. They're not like moments they used to be. I'm going to off bingeing other things. And it's not a sub for the alcohol. I may got totally far enough in this journey that it was also with complete awareness. You know what I mean? So anyhow,

the flour and sugar is also still in my body because without that, that probably wouldn't have happened and had I meditated and made my dinner, there's all those things. So I just put my awareness hat on the next day and I'm like, oh yeah, here's all the things. How can I set myself up for today to be more successful, to serve my,

to eat healthy and fill my vessel with what I want to put in it, you know? So I get on my knees and I'm like, oh God, Lord, just please show me why I am going through this right now. What is going on? What is my message? What is my lesson? And I was in child's pose and have my hands.

I like to do the little prayer hands above my head when I'm like, really need the answer, you know? And then I like just my yoga deck path deck was just happened to be sitting there. So I spread out the cards and I pulled one. I'm going to share it here with you because I pulled the cinema cinema pasta card. And this is an interesting card.

It is, I will post this online. So you guys can see it in the Facebook community, but it's got like a headless goddess woman and then two other goddesses with like the swords. And they have these beautiful, like flower lays almost. And they're stepping on a sleeping woman, like the sleeping self at the bottom and the headless Scottish. She has like the head in her hand and almost looks like a fountain coming out.

And she also has a sword too. They're like kind of these curved warrior swords. And there's a sun with like this Palm frond coming out the top and there's all these like kind of flower blooms around it. So I always like to look at the card first and see, and I've had this card before, but it's been a while and it wasn't reversed this time.

I think I might've had it reverse last time I drew it, which just gives it different interpretation. But the one warrior also has the head of some, some like other warrior man or something. And so she's on the goddess. So I'm like, okay, you know, this is like a re severing of my head of, of self, right?

And I'm, I'm stepping on this old version of me on the ground and I've got this, this head of this man that we wasting, right. I'm like, okay, wow, deep stuff. So then I go to the book and I'm going to share here with you guys. And the cinema is the goddess of radical trans self-transcendence. And it says you're waking up and experiencing the radical pleasures of letting go cinema pasta that headless goddess has come to guide you in this massive state of transformation.

As you turn passion into spiritual energy Kundalini, primal energy is rising and you have given up a role you once carried to step more fully into your power. Don't feel fear in this state of transition cinema pasta's gift is to transmute the darkest of times into the most powerful of energies, carry her fierceness. As you tear off a former head, you once had an experience,

the inner peace that comes with being divinely yourself. You guys that just like friggin says it all right there, this radical self transformation, transcendence transformation, right? This shifting and taking this energy and using it to hold more of my light, whole more of my radiance and be more in my power rather than having this experience and eating all the bags of kettle corn and the all the,

you know, bottles of wine and continuing on that path. But continuing to move forward and say, how am I going to get up and do better tomorrow? How can I put my heart in the sea of light and love in this soft white, bright sea of love? That just is, that just is who we are. And I know when I touch this space and I know for me,

it's going to yoga and it's meditating and it's creating the time to be by myself, with myself to process emotions, to not let life just get so busy. And it can you guys, I can create a life full of busy, just as much as anyone else, even without a full family here in the little adventure RV, you know, believe me,

you can absolutely create it. I could create a hustle in a heartbeat and I often will create a hustle and you guys see me do it on here. And then it's like, how do I want to serve? How can I live in more love? How can I give more love? And what am I here to create? What is my purpose?

So Bernice helped us to how, you know, Oprah was asking her about all the energy in the world right now in how she's navigating, moving through it. And she said, you know, with all of this just lovelessness, she saw it. And it was someone else's work that she quoted that she just asked herself, how can she think loving thoughts about this and how can we show up in more love?

And I just think that that is just such a beautiful way to thank you in a beautiful way to show up continually, how can I give more love? How can I show all of you more love? How can I create things that will put more love and light into the world? How can I give more meditation to people that maybe don't have access?

How can I create systems that will help people have more self-awareness and they talked about that about self-awareness really being the super power, really being the way out. We can't know other people's emotions, that that's where we, we often think we are interpreting what other people think and feel right. And we can't, we can only know ourselves. And so to create our own self-awareness I can't fix anybody but me,

right. To just get on my knees and say, how can I serve, what is my purpose? What is my role to play and to bring forth into this world. And this is the cusp I am on heading in a new cycle. And I wrote this morning. I think it's so interesting to look back over whether you believe in numerology or not.

It's really interesting to look back over your nine year cycles. And they're like so clear to me, relationships that have started and stopped and places I've lived that have started in stopped jobs that have started and stopped, you know, and this being the end of that cycle and the start of something so new and beautiful. And now I having these tools that I've spent these last year,

nine years moving toward creating that I can help myself step into holding more of my excellence, more of my light and my radiance and my love. And that is the goal. And so I'm going to move through this heavy heart, and I'm going to put my heart in a sea of light and love. And my little one gets here this weekend. So it will absolutely be singing all all week until the new year.

It's totally going to be singing. So as I have this kind of heavy heart, I will also have a heart full of light and magic and love with those around me on the holidays that I just adore. And also really focusing on staying focused on me during that time. You guys, not just because Millie's here and I'm not going to do all my habits stacks and get up and do my go to yoga and do meditation and all of these things.

I'm making time for that, even while she's here, because it's more important than ever, because I want to show up in love all day. And I used to do this, right, like a sacrifice at time because, oh, I don't get to see her that much. No, no, no. I want that time to be completely just radiant love shooting from me,

you know, and I know my habit stacks, won't be perfect. We're going to be traveling and doing things like that, but I'm really, really going to focus on staying in that spiritual health and figuring out how it can live in there are more and more. All right, you guys, hi, now it's kind of heavy. I hope any of this made sense.

And all I can say is I am pre-ordering Atlas of the heart right now. And if you don't listen to Glennon Doyle, his podcast or super soul, and you know, I've got to get Bernay, I don't use Spotify. I'm going to have to get back on Spotify and get her podcast. I miss that when they took it off the other waves.

So I'm just learning how to feel these emotions and increasing our emotional intelligence to be able to articulate how we feel to people. And that's part of what I guess I was tempting to try to do here today and still grasping for the language of, of how I'm feeling to share with you and how I'm navigating through this time. So I'm gonna, without further ado,

I am going to head off and go prepare for our session this evening. So thank you for listening as always, if you haven't yet, and you feel called, please share the podcast, write a review at really, really appreciate it. And I hope to see you in a meditation class soon. So we can spread more of the love, more of the Heartsing around the planet and really get to that space for me,

meditation reaching my highest self each and every day and taking that time to it's like being at the spa, right. To just detox my body and, you know, just be in the stillness and let it go. And yeah, it takes practice. It's an art, right? But it's easy to learn. You guys. It's not rocket science, for sure.

It's so easy. And yet we make it so hard. Let me show you how to make it easy. Come join me, come and meditate with some bad-ass, which isn't bitches. I mean, what could be more fun? All right. You guys go forth and light this week up and from my heart that I will be dipping in that sea of light to yours.

I wish you the best holiday season, whatever you celebrate. And I will see you next week, flare out