S3 Ep 202: Authentic AF: Finding Yourself When Life Feels Hard

Aloha witches & bitches—it’s one of those “real life” weeks where the vibe is: it’s hard, but I’m still doing the damn thing.

In this episode of MEfirst Midlife Badassery, Slayer gets real about:

• The seasons of life and why this one (the “Mili Season”) matters more than she realized
• Her dance with forcing vs. allowing in manifesting and abundance
• How she’s learning to love her current season instead of trying to skip ahead
• What it really means to reconnect with your authentic self when you’ve been boxed in, dimmed down, or burnt out
• Why showing up for yourself—even when it feels hard—is the real magic

You’ll hear about treadmills finally unboxed, meditation non-negotiables, spirit-guide cards, and a raw look at what it means to rebuild in real time.

Because sometimes the transformation isn’t in the “before & after”—it’s in the during.

✨ Key takeaways:

• Stop fighting your current season—there’s gold in it.
• The universe can’t guide what you’re forcing.
• Your authentic self is still in there—waiting for you to lead her home.
• One percent actions are still actions.

💥 Mentioned in this episode:

• Aligned Abundance by Emma Mumford
• The Enchanted Map oracle deck by Colette Baron-Reid
• Francesca Amber’s Book Club Bitches

🎧 Listen in, journal it out, and maybe name your own season. Because the “Season of You” starts right f*cking now.

FREE Facebook Community (aka, "The Hood": https://www.facebook.com/groups/mefirstsisterhood

Free Visioning Meditation (goes with Ep 160 Unlock Your Future: Create Vision for Midlife Transformation)

Get Social with Me!
Don't do it alone- us badasses gotta stick together ;)
FREE Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/mefirstsisterhood
Facebook Namaslayer (LIVE Sundays at 9 AM Pacific / Noon Eastern)
Instagram @addiebeall_namaslayer

Transcript

 What's up, witches and bitches. Here we are. I'm here. I wanna tell you, it feels hard right now, but I'm doing things and I wanna share it with you and just sometimes it feels hard and it might feel hard. And I came across this concept. I'm doing this aligned abundance book from Emma Mumford in my book.

C Bitches that I'm part of with uh, Francesca Amber. That was a whole lot of name dropping. But it's fun, right? We do a book a month, yada yada. So anyhow, part of what she was talking about in there and what came out of it and what Fran was talking about, was about this idea of seasons, of our lives. Like when your kids are little, that time when they're toddlers, that you're not getting back the time when you know they're grown, or when your grand babies are here or what, whatever.

Season is just so different, and that could be the same if you're single, like with careers or um, locations. You live in a house or a condo, like there's all different kinds of seasons of life. If we look at it like that, it doesn't just have to be. A season of, you know, like here, I have no seasons. I would kill for a season right now.

Like I'm just so sick of it being hot and gross out. Like to me it's gross. 'cause my skin just reacts as soon as it gets hot and pollen lands on it, which is every time I step outside the door. So anyhow, I would love your seasons and you guys are gonna be going into Cold Seasons and complaining the opposite way.

So just hang in there with my hot complaints. I love you. I'm so jealous of you all having. Fall completely jealous. But let's get back to this concept about seasons and time in our life, because this week I've really just been, not this week, like frigging this year, talking about just how it just feels so hard.

Every time I think I'm manifesting something new, it's like, no, not that ad, just. Sit still hang in there. It's not my cards will show me the thing won't come into fruition. And something else I learned about myself along this path is that like I'm one of those forcing manifesters, right? Not the allowing the universe manifester.

I'm the one that will like do all the things to make the thing happen and it's not necessarily the right thing. I'm not allowing the universe to open the doors and guide the process to my highest. Best self. And so I've really been trying to be like, okay, let it go. We need to love right where we are right now.

We've got 594 days until graduation, until I have an option to change circumstance of where I live. So add, what the hell are you gonna do about it? Right? And what do I want it to look like when I'm on the other side of that? You know, on the other side of being able to be back in Arizona somewhere, I can be out in nature more, which is what I, I miss more than anything.

And what does that look like and how can I make a little bit of that experience of those feelings I get from being on the top of the mountain or being in the earth or in a river? Like how can I experience. The feeling of that right here and right now. Like what is the emotion I get from it? Like the, ah, just gratitude, overwhelming wonder.

You know, I experienced that on my yoga mat a lot, so get to yoga more. I finally got that treadmill in my office. You guys, I've been talking about this for six months now. I'm like, you know, I know I can't go walk around anymore. It's like, it was just, I think I'm all cool and I'm tough and it was like.

Just too much. It inundate my body and then I'm down for the count again. So I'm like, you know what? We're just staying indoors. Like suck it up. Like you stop trying to push yourself beyond what your current capability is, right? And how do we expand that capability? And so I got this treadmill. It literally has been in my office for two weeks.

I'm like, my 1% action item this week was to unbox the fucking treadmill. That was it. You know when it happened Friday. Friday unboxed it, and I was on it for five minutes. I'm like, okay, we're taking that process, right? We're taking that, and then I went and I did my meditation, which is my power habits.

What I'm working on this quarter is getting my afternoon meditation back in, because when I look at myself, myself, my past self, future self, current self, what I want. That was so magical during my transformation and after, and was just such a part of who I was, and I kept, and I just allowed it. I allowed people to put me in a box and let me, make me play small again.

And meditation, not sticking to, I'm doing my meditation. Screw everybody. Not sticking to that mentality of I'm getting it done no matter what has. Absolutely affected my life and totally not putting me first. So I am working to get this back in my life and making it a non-negotiable, whether I'm sitting in my car, in a parking lot, um, in my office, like wherever it might be, I have earned the right.

I don't even have to earn the right, I can take 20 minutes for myself and be still and think about your day. You guys. Do you, what does that look like for you? Do you take the time to just be still, to just honor yourself and your space, or are you constantly do, do doing for everyone else? Because this has been like, it's so funny, I came here.

I've really been thinking about this a lot because I'm doing some authentic self work, which I'm gonna share with you. And I came here to this island and I was this certain person. I was this person that didn't eat these certain things. She was gluten-free. Like I just knew things that didn't serve me and I didn't do them.

And slowly but surely, I just. Like, let it all bombard me at work. She was the person that showed up for herself no matter what. She did her meditation, she did these things, and then I slowly but surely let it consume me. Let people saying things like, oh, she's got a big personality. Oh, she's a lot. Just like not understanding my sense of humor.

Letting them like, put me in this box where I'm not me anymore. Where eight hours out of the day, I feel like I have to censor me. And not just the cussing, that's a whole nother ballpark, but me, like my personality, like my humor, like everything just being taken wrong. And I was talking to my, my daughter about this.

I'm like, you know, maybe it's me, like this post menopause shit. Like I've got zero tolerance for anyone's bullshit anymore. You know? I'm like, um, those shoes, violation of dress code, get 'em out. Right? Like, I'm like, maybe it's me. Like, I'm just taken off the world because of this lack of tolerance that is gone when our home hormones change.

I mean, that's just kind of fact, you know? And I'm like, okay, so I can own some of that, right? But I can also, how can I? Love the place I'm at right now and just be so grateful and, and, and a few things have happened to, to trigger that. But I wanna finish this authentic self thought first and then kind of get into the gratitude.

So I was really thinking about who is my authentic self now, because I feel like I'm so different than I was in my ball of misery in 2018 when I had my big spiritual awakening. Right? I've been through all of that. I found all of these truths. And then I got life changed and I got just kind of put back in this big washing machine of life and fell away from some of those habits that had served me so well and really helped uncover my authentic self.

But I'm like, do I even do those things that were like, so like, oh, I wanna be on this big stage and speaking. Doing all these things. Does that even sound like what I wanna do again, and I will tell you this, like anytime you know how they tell you, like your superpower is the thing. People sit tell you that, oh, you do that.

Well, you take this, this part of the job or whatever. And it's usually speaking for me, right? They're like, oh, Addie, you go. You go up there and talk. You're good at that. Or you motivate the crowd, you're good at that, right? And it's just something innately that. I guess I'm good at it. And like if you were to ask me, I'd be like, oh no, I got lots of practice to do.

You know? And here I sit on a podcast with you, which by the way, you guys, I was thinking of this, how honored I am if you're showing up here to listen to this podcast, especially when I'm in the, it's so hard crap. But maybe that's when it's even more important to come here and share my voice. Right when it fucking feels hard and when I gained back 80 pounds and when I'm like just trying to get back up over and over again.

And it was interesting, I was talking with Lexi about my daughter, about GLP ones, 'cause they keep coming up in my newsfeed and I'm like, you know, I just wanna go do it. Just because it'd be so much easier. And I'm like, Alexa's like, well, I just don't want to put anything in my body. She's like real paranoid about that stuff, you know?

And I'm like, that's not, that's not why I don't want to do it. I, the person I became when I lost 120 pounds was a game changer, motherfuck bitch. And I learned those lessons through. Dealing with why I was wanting to eat instead, and it's a lot to take on. It'd be much easier to not take that on and I'm like, part of me is like, well, maybe I just do it until I get back to where I can really control my environment.

I'm like, but that's defeating the whole fucking point, isn't it? This is about figuring out how to do it right where I am every second, and it's always been through my weight for me, right? Like when I'm living in alignment and I feel good and I'm healthy and I'm being my true frigging authentic self, when that is happening, the weight isn't on my body, right?

It will start to fall off of me, and I've allowed myself to be small again. I've allowed myself for people to tell me to shut up basically. For people to repeatedly, like on paper tell me I'm no good and I'm just fuming. 'cause I know how good I am at what I do. I'm like, are you kidding me? This is like the exact opposite of my entire career and I haven't changed that much.

Right. You guys. So, but it's, that's another thing the universe telling me, you're not like, you can't be, get comfortable doing this. Like, you can't just get comfortable taking this paycheck because it's not what I'm here for. So what are we here for? What's our purpose? How do we find that? Amy and I, that um, I coach with on Sunday?

We are talking. I'm like, when this happens and you don't know what your purpose is, you don't know what your direction is, you just go all in on you. I'm making yourself the best, happiest, highest self. Healthy MF or you can like, you just go all in on what makes you feel good. Whether it's trying to figure out how to walk more or lift weights or get that meditation in.

Like how do I double down on taking care of myself and the rest is gonna come into alignment, right? So I'm going through all this authentic self stuff and I said, okay, I'm doing my mad my morning pages in the plan. And I go through all the brain work stuff and I say, alright. Who am I? And I asked my cards, right?

I'm like, who am I? Like what is it? Who am I? Tell me who's my authentic self? And I pulled this card. I don't know, maybe you guys will believe this or not. Or maybe you won't think it's in alignment with me. But I just had to laugh. 'cause literally every time I show up to my session with Renee and my spirit guides, this is what they tell me.

Almost verbatim. So I have these cards called the Enchanted Map by Colette Baron Reed. I use cards, and I think I did a podcast on here about this. I use them for additional insight and just something in the morning that's kind of fun to give me something to reflect on, and sometimes just get knocked out of off my ass by like, what?

What I'm experiencing here. So this is the card, you guys. It's number 40 out of this deck, follow the Leader. There's a little quote here that says, every life is a teaching tool for others. Your authenticity and honesty are an example to those around you. Now, mind you, I was working on authenticity, right?

And not all these cards have this shit in here, and I'm like, oh, do, do, do you know? Some are already like chicken skin. So, um, it says you're being called to lead others by example. Your wisdom has earned, as a result, has been earned as a result of your bravery in a they a venture of your life. You know, I love that adventure of your life.

The experiences and battles won in loss places discovered tears shed and joy revealed have placed you in a unique position to be of service to others. Your suffering has been crystallized into a taliman of wisdom now, you must share it by being fully authentic. You'll lead others into the light. You'll be required to divulge some things about your past so that you may help someone else.

Lead with love. There's another message here as well. Look to those whose great character and accomplishments you admire, emulate the leaders you respect. You will then in turn, have more to offer. So, yeah. Like, and then I just start thinking, I'm like, so what does that mean? Like I love to help. There's nothing that makes me feel better than someone leaves one of our me first planning events and is like just.

Rocking making their habit or their goals, or we meet up next week and the next time and we see everything happen. Or my coaching clients that are like, you know, that time period I worked with you as one of the biggest transformational times in my life, it really rocked my world. Right? And it can be little small shifts and people from the podcast that'll lean out.

And it's all for me just sharing my experience, right? And some of it, putting some of the tools together so that. You guys can have the experience too, so that you can take what I went through, what I had to learn, and maybe use it so you don't have to learn it so hard. That would be the ideal way we use it, right?

Like I'm having to use all the tools I created right now to get myself through this through, and I see all the negative thoughts I have, right? Like I hate the heat. I hate walking outside, not being able to eat B, and I hate like being. Made small at this job, like all of these thoughts. All of the thoughts you guys, and so I'm really doing a lot of work in my morning pages.

Thank God I got planning back in as my habit last quarter. I mean, it's just changed my life again. But I'll write, write, and write and write in the morning to get this shit outta my head because I know I need to love and accept and find gratitude and enjoy this season right now. So this season of life, I decided to call the season of Millie.

This is absolutely Millie season, and you know what? You guys, I won't get this time back with her. I won't get this time of sitting in traffic in the car. I won't get this time of taking her to her events or being there to support her when shit goes to crap because. They're in high school or getting her help to learn how to feel and process emotions rather than be a 50-year-old woman who didn't know your thoughts, created your feelings and your actions.

I remember hearing that in 2017. I'm like, oh my God, why didn't someone tell me that, that all I had to do was change my thoughts to get to the result? How, what the hell? Why am I learning this at 50? Well, I was 45, right? And then that made me think, I was like, you know, I need to start doing thought models again.

Where like we learn at the Life Coach school with RK Castillo, part of all of Corinne's school, all of those people, right? And I think back to that time and how much work I was doing, so I started doing thought models again, putting the result I want, you know, to be, and this time you guys, I want the result to be.

Not just that I don't have to work for the man, I want the result to be, I'm a successful entrepreneur. The result to be that I run a company, an organization that helps so many women that maybe provides for some women that creates tools and I, I don't know, like. Inspirational magical events where we get together and kumbaya and like get to like just build these bonds, right?

Build this community. I, I want that. And I think when I did it before, it was more to prove to myself it was about me having an adventure. It was about me being. Man, this is good. I'm learning so much from myself right now. I didn't realize all of this was in here, but it was the last time I took off in my little RV and Trump.

That was all for me. It wasn't for you. That was for me and my self discovery right on. What I was finding this next time, this becoming a success entrepreneur is for you, right? Is for the women that are coming with me and how can we do this together and how can I help make that. Even better and help you transform even faster.

That's a different mind shift, right? That's a different mind shift rather than. Hey, this is my little adventure out here. And by the way, I'm going to share some of this stuff with you versus this is my adventure. 'cause I'm never gonna stop sharing my adventure with me. And hey, let's do this shit together, right?

Like, hop on board, man. Like what will it look like and how can we just have so much frigging fun doing it? That lights me up. That gets my authentic self just stoked, just excited. But it's, is it my season for all of that to happen? It doesn't mean like, I can't use this to build the runway, so I'm building the runway.

These 594 days in 0.36. My timer, my timer on the phone has it to like the third of the day, right? It's got like the full timer on there. So you know, what can I set up? For this goal, this successful entrepreneur in my result line of my thought model, right? Like what do I need to think? And the big thing that I need to, the action I need is that I show up, that I show up here and talk to you guys on the microphone, that I show up for myself when I say, Hey, I'm gonna redo my website.

Site or finish my coaching credentials or, um, do that coaching thing I signed up for, or a class like I'm gonna show up and do these things. It's just like showing up for any other goal. If I'm gonna show up for my weight loss goal, I'm gonna actually do the work In no bs I might print a worksheet, I'm gonna do thought models on it.

I'm going to like go in on that. So what goal is most important to me? You know, so in this Millie season of life, obviously time with Millie priority, right? And really redirecting myself to be so grateful for that. I have a really good friend whose, um, child had, um, overdosed in attempt to end their life.

And you guys, this is so. Common with our kids, with our young kids, with our teenagers. And I know Mil has thought about this and terrifies me, right? And I don't want to share her deepest personal stuff, but I, I think the statistics are that like, only 5% haven't thought about this, you know, about not being here.

And when I think of that and think what my friend is going through, I'm just so grateful And, um. That, you know, we're, I think working through all of this with Millie and getting, and that I'm, I'm able to be here and get the help she needs to move forward and to learn how to process things in life. Like it's just so hard to a feel emotion, right?

When we're used to not feeling it, but also we're just constantly bombarded and our kids are bombarded like nobody else. So if you go, if you're going out, if you're going through this with anyone in your family, just know that you're not alone. Like this isn't, this is just an I, I think an epidemic of, you know what?

All this information, all this consuming and, um, what is out there and being put in our brains, how important it is and how important it is, we learn to pivot and process and, um, she's at the perfect age to do that. So this is like my season, Millie, you know, how do, how do I help affect that more, but also.

I can build some badass shit in the process, right? But I want you guys to know it all. Like it's just feels. 'cause when I am running some successful empire, and I don't, let's not even timeline it, right? Like time is irrelevant. Where it comes to the universe manifesting. I can put an end date on a goal, but then I'm like a forcing manifester, right?

But you gotta have dates on goals or they're not goals, they're just dreams. They just float out there. So I love to have a date because then I like move myself. I'm taking aligned action. I'm taking action toward that thing. So you know, what am I doing to figure out who my authentic self is right now Doing some of this work, like asking myself these questions again.

Like, Hey, what do you like? What do you not like? What do you want your day to look like? What do you want? Like just getting in the details of asking my future self what she wants it to look like. How can I just be so grateful for the life I have right here and now and what it looks like, you know? And so I'm gonna do some things like rearranging my room, getting a smaller bed.

So I have, it's a really big room, but just so I have more space in here to have like. Separate. Um, I really wanna get on YouTube more, like have a separate area for that and my, for my yoga and just get like a little day bed. Lexi had one and I slept in her guest room and I was like, oh my God, I love this little bed.

I don't need this big bed. It's just me. I just want a little bed somewhere, like I don't sleep anyway. It's getting better. I got my aura ring back on you guys, so we'll see what happens with that. But. I just wanted to, I know that was a lot of stuff, really looking at my authentic self and my signs from the universe and you know, I, I would just ask you to think, what, what is your season right now?

You know, are you in a transitional season or maybe this is your season. A light some shit up to figure out like who you truly are and how do you wanna go about that? You know, there's so many good things I've been, I was brought back to the work we did in the artist's way. Um, I, I've done that book a few times now.

If you haven't and you are really seeking, who am I? So good to do that. So great to do it in a group too. I feel like I'm almost ready for another round of that, but I'm also feeling ready for. Creating my alter ego. Again, exciting news too. I'm going back to Phoenix for the holidays and I will be doing the New Year's event in person in Phoenix.

So if you wanna have some fun for the new year, hop on out and join us. It would be amazing. And I think that's all I have for this week, you guys. I just really wanted to update you and share with you a little bit about when it's hard and moving forward and looking at our brains and. Figuring out what it is we truly want, but also being acceptant of the season we're in and how can we love the season we're in more and start to shift some of the vi current vibration like me thinking I.

Hate my work is not helping the vibration of it, and I don't, I do enjoy so much about my workday, so much about it, so I'm really challenging myself and you guys too. If you see those thoughts come in that aren't serving you, bust out some thought models, if you know what that is. Or just write 'em outta your head and rewire it.

How can you take it from, oh God, this traffic sucks too. Oh my God. I am. I can't wait to get in my car and sit there for an hour and a half so I can listen to four podcasts. Yeah. Woo. I do love that learning time, and I remember missing I'd be, when I was an entrepreneur, I'm like, oh, I don't have time to listen to all that stuff.

And that's, you know, I really, really thank you guys for showing up and listening to me. I just can't believe all the podcasts in the world and you come listen to me and it is. You're just such a frigging honor to be in your ear. I can't tell you. We are, we are besties. You are like my soul sister. Like, let's get together, come to Phoenix.

I've really been, um, missing friendships, you know, and feeling like I'm not in the place that I'm necessarily make. I've got a couple friends here, but not. In a place where I'm making long-term friends, all my really good friends, I've met through the internet, through this, through sharing my voice through no BS through, um, you guys coming to meetings or joining the sisterhood or, I mean, you guys are my besties.

You know me like no one else knows me. You know, my childhood friends too, they, they, they would listen to the, they probably do listen to this. Oh my God, do you guys listen to me? They probably do. And they're like, oh, yep, that's Addie, that's how they find out what I'm going through. Right. So anyhow, you guys, I love you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your ears always. And, um, I'm g I'm rising up. I don't know if I know what she looks like yet, what, what I feel like. Um, but I think the lessons to be learned are. Going to be spectacular and I'm gonna be right here with you and I'm gonna use the tools I created and more are gonna come.

I know they're gonna come and I'm gonna do other people's tools and I'm gonna figure out what's the best of the best and share it with all you crazy ass bitches. All right, that's it. I'm rambling now. I love you guys. Until next week, slayer out.