What It’s Really Like to Be Sober in a Family of Drinkers

Episode 227:  What It’s Really Like to Be Sober in a Family of Drinkers 

In episode 227 of the Sober Vibes podcast, Courtney Anderesn shares in this powerful and vulnerable episode. She is talking about what it really feels like to get sober in a family where alcohol is the norm. From emotional triggers to unspoken resentment, this episode validates the often-invisible experience of being the first one to break the cycle.

Whether you’ve been labeled “too sensitive,” felt like the family scapegoat, or noticed your healing making others uncomfortable, this episode is for you.

What you will learn in this episode:

• Why sobriety can feel lonelier in your own family than anywhere else
• How and why sober people become the emotional mirror (and often, the scapegoat)
• The grief and strength that come with breaking generational patterns
• 5 grounding truths and boundaries you can hold as you stay sober around drinkers
• Family members may accuse you of being judgmental or "thinking you're better than them" before you've even said anything

This is not an episode about tips and tricks.
It’s about validation, resilience, and reclaiming your peace even when no one claps for it.

Thank you for listening, and hope it helps you today!

Listen now and come back to this one anytime you need to feel less alone.

Resources Mentioned:

Courtney's Website 

Codependent No More 

Ready to thrive in your alcohol-free life? Sober Vibes: A Guide to Thriving in Your First Three Months Without Alcohol is your step-by-step guide to navigating early sobriety with confidence.

Grab your copy today!

Thank you for listening! Help the show by Rating, Reviewing, and/or Subscribing to the Sober Vibes Podcast.

Connect w/ Courtney:
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Chapters

• 0:31 Welcome to Sober Vibes Podcast
• 4:54 The Isolation No One Warns You About
• 8:58 Becoming the Family Mirror
• 17:08 Breaking Generational Patterns
• 23:10 Setting Boundaries Without Explanation
• 31:10 You're Not the Problem, You're Growing

Transcript

Courtney Andersen: 0:31

Hey, welcome back to the Sober Bives podcast. I am your host and sober coach, courtney Anderson, and your go-to guide of living a kick-ass life without alcohol. You are listening to episode 227, and I got a good one today because we are going to talk about what it's really like to be sober in a family of drinkers. This one I've been wanting to do for quite some time because this, again, is not shared enough about more of family dynamics, especially, you know, when there's when the culture is drinking and you're in it, you quit drinking and you start your eyes, start opening up to your family dynamics. And I'm not here again, this is. I'm not here to tell you anything that your family's shitty because they drink, because that's not the case. Okay, everybody has a family dynamic. Not every family is perfect. No, family is perfect, and whether that is with alcohol in it or without, there is not. Family is very hard. Family can be. Family is amazing, right? You know, if you're close to them and if you like them. And then there's some really shitty family. You could come from some really shitty people and that is the reality. And I think people don't want to talk about this. It's because, when I really try really, really hard to talk about this from my perspective without being like this person did this with pointing fingers. I don't ever want to come from that place, but this is my truth and this is what I wanted to share with you, because for so many who quit, it's like family is a very big trigger for them, because they came from a family of drinkers and then a lot of it too. It's like if you're the one who ended up having quote unquote the problem, even though everybody else has their own relationship with alcohol or with drugs, whatever it may be, but we're talking about alcohol here. So use this conversation today with insert, whatever it is that's in there, especially, too, if you go back to the episode that I talked about with Margie a couple episodes ago about being an adult child of an alcoholic and dysfunction. So this just ties into dysfunction, because when there are issues like that, there is dysfunction. Even, too, if you grew up with a parent with a mental health issue, there is dysfunction in that. So I hope this episode helps you today.

Courtney Andersen: 3:11

This is something that I suffered with for years, because I was the first one to stop something in my family, something in my family, and at points it did get lonely, right. So this is the side of sobriety that, like I said, does not get talked about enough, because I think people are afraid if they talk about it then they feel like they're carrying other people's secrets in and it just isn't the case when it's just from your truth and you can stand by that because nobody can take away your perception of it, right, and you can talk about this in a healthy way. But what happens when your healing makes other people uncomfortable Because it's going to? So if you've been feeling lonely, dismissed, blamed, misunderstood by your family since getting sober, this is definitely the space for you to feel seen. Okay. So let's talk about it again. You're not alone. This is just a process of your journey. So there is an isolation that nobody warns you about.

Courtney Andersen: 4:20

When you get sober in a family of drinkers, you don't just lose alcohol, you lose that sense of belonging in that family. You lose that shared thing that made the dysfunction feel fucking normal Bonding over wine, joking about hangovers, right, like I can't tell you how many times if I showed up hungover somewhere, it would get laughed about Pouring a drink. When things got tense in the family, that was the normal. And now you have stopped drinking and you're like what the fuck is going on, because your eyes are opening, it can be feel it's very isolating Bottom line. It's isolating because it's like you have to now cut this cord from your family, especially if you're very involved with your family. Now you might be listening and be like I don't have that relationship with your family and that's fine, and maybe this episode isn't for you and that is okay too. But if you want to learn more, keep on trucking through this episode so you might start noticing how often drinking is the glue that holds the whole family together. It's almost like drinking is another, is like the member of the family Best way I can say for drinking this.

Courtney Andersen: 5:36

You know how, on Sex and the City in New York is like the heart, like truly New York is almost like the heart of that show and it's like another character in itself. This is how alcohol is in a lot of family dynamics. So you might start feeling left out. You might even feel punished. You might not be invited to things anymore because now you're saying no to drinking, right, and you're probably questioning whether you're the one being dramatic, or or or do I really have a problem? Because my brother and my sister and my mama and my dada right, like they can all drink. You can. You can clearly tell I have a three and a half year old by my verbiage with mama and dada, but I have to say, starting to switch to calling us mommy and daddy, so I'm going to have to go with that too. That was a side note about my three and a half year old the dictator.

Courtney Andersen: 6:34

So the answer is about the dramatics. You're not. And the answer is about like, did I not have a problem? And I'm going to say the fuck, you did Okay, because you are looking at something where it's like they make it look like it's normal, because maybe perhaps your brother doesn't fucking throw patio furniture like you when he's been drinking. So then you were the focus of this right.

Courtney Andersen: 7:03

So then it became where you were the focus, because when you drank you acted out in a way and again, it is not your fault, because alcohol is an extremely toxic substance, like the shit I would do when I was drinking. Man, oh man, I never felt that way sober. Do you think I was giving death threats to people when I was sober? The answer is no, but when I had been drinking and in a blackout, I was telling motherfuckers everywhere I was going to kill them. Okay, we can laugh about this. Now. I find it funny now, at the time I did not. Years of therapy and working on myself and my trauma response of just laughing about things has worked, but that's what I'm saying. So please don't shame yourself. Okay, but this is the reality when it comes into play with family dynamics, especially, too, when drinking was like the thing you guys did, right? So again, you're not being dramatic, you're just now seeing things clearly.

Courtney Andersen: 8:08

And with that type of clarity comes grief. I stand by it. You have to grieve your old drinking self. There is a part of this process when you get sober, it might not hit you those first eight weeks, it might not hit you those first six months. It might hit you a year or two down the road. For some, everybody's on their own pathway, but grief waits for nobody and it's going to come up. And then this is another layer of it, especially of where you came from of like, oh wow, now I'm going to have to figure out what the relationship with my family looks like. So you do have to grieve that.

Courtney Andersen: 8:53

So why do you now become the scapegoat, okay, and this is another thing that happens. You are becoming the mirror and not everyone likes what they see, right, okay, and I'm not even talking about like they can be very supportive of you and want this for yourself, but there's still going to be a weird thing Everybody wanting me sober, everyone was like, great job, you know not drinking, proud of you, but then they were still doing it, okay, and everything I talk about in here has happened to me where there was stuff I stopped getting invited to out of assumption on these on their end. So, and it was too like, all of a sudden it was you know well, don't judge us because we're drinking, motherfucker, did I say anything? I haven't even spoken yet. Like, hey, motherfucker, did I say anything? I haven't even spoken yet. You know what I mean. So you become a mirror to this family dynamic. You have stopped and now they're not really they have to look at their own actions too, right.

Courtney Andersen: 9:58

So your choice to stop drinking, especially if no one else is doing it, it can feel threatening to people this can even say true to friends too, okay, and threatening to people who haven't faced their own patterns. So what do they do? They project and they blame. Okay, you might hear these things, maybe you've heard. Well, it's kind of harsh, but it could be a reality. You think you're better than us now Don't be uptight. It's just one drink. You've changed again from what I just said of like, don't judge us, like, I'm fine, my cocktailing's fine, I don't have a problem with alcohol, right.

Courtney Andersen: 10:40

The truth of that is is, if any one of them is saying that to you, you didn't change. You stopped drinking, okay, you stopped drinking. You stopped the madness for yourself, right. But they haven't allowed to, they haven't caught up with who you currently are now and allowing that space for you to shine through because there's a threat, right. This is what happens, too, with scapegoats. So in waking up in a system that's really built on suppression, that's really built on we don't talk about this, we sweep things under the mat. If mom or dad have fucked up with alcohol, it's okay, you know, because they're paying the bills and they're keeping it together and they're functioning right. So this is going to be very uncomfortable for you and it's going to be very uncomfortable for them, but that doesn't mean that you did anything wrong, okay. So remember that you haven't done anything wrong, even though you will feel like this when I went through this with my family.

Courtney Andersen: 11:53

Like I said, still to this day, I got it a while ago from someone in my family about like we, you know, we don't want to hear judgment, and it's like I don't bring this shit up. I don't, I don't bring this shit up. But I listened to you fucking bring up your goddamn conspiracy series. I listened to you insert your opinion about everything. Do you know what I mean? Like so that's where it's funny with people with the dream, but it's being said because they don't want to hear it, right, and it is mildly entertaining and sometimes, at this point, I just I'm quiet about it because it's not a battle I have the energy for I don't. Do you know what I have? Energy for Productive conversations.

Courtney Andersen: 12:48

A three and a half year old so provides podcasts and community and my coaching clients, my husband, my friend, like I said, productive conversations and when you're in a family where there is dysfunction, sometimes, those productive conversations even though you are a healthier version of yourself now you want to have those. You have to think really long and hard if that person that you want to have that productive conversation with is going to be able to have one with you, because when you have quit drinking and started breaking a generational trauma or, I'm sorry, a generational pattern, right, they might not be ready to hear that. So really, when it comes to this too, you have to protect your energy at all costs because also in these family dynamics, someone could say some heinous shit to you and, like you know, with family, where it like cuts deep because you can cut a bitch with the shit that you can say with your siblings or families and they can do the same thing for you, and you might not be in that spot to mentally be prepared to hear that and then them saying some foul ass shit to you could end up having you relapse and say what the fuck is the point? Because you are taking like that criticism on from somebody who is unhealthy. So that is what I'm saying. You have to be careful when you are stepping, when you are stepping away from the family of like what is it worth for you to talk about? Is this a safe space to have a productive conversation with somebody? Because you got to really think about that truly, and that will be very helpful, okay in this, because it just comes down to, there's just some people in life who think that they can say whatever the fuck they want and they have, and they've gotten away with it for a very long time but that doesn't mean that you have to take that on and sit there and continuing to listen to it.

Courtney Andersen: 15:08

That's why boundaries come into place too when it comes to this type of stuff. Right, like limiting your time, limiting your in-person time, limiting your phone conversations, maybe calling that person when they're not in the drinking hour. Maybe you call that person in the morning time and not do it at nighttime. Right? Maybe you ask them to come over to your house because it's an alcohol-free space, and maybe you just now do like a brunch. There is boundaries that you can put within your family dynamic to still be able to have a relationship with them as a non-drinker, right? If you want that, you might be listening to this episode and be like fuck my family and like deuces to you If that is the decision you have.

Courtney Andersen: 16:01

But this really is about the isolating feeling that comes with when you no longer drink and you think something is a certain type of way, and then it's not, because now you're sober and like even too. I remember going through it, those first couple of years of being like, well, I wonder what they're doing. Today, at Sunday, right, like you're going to have those thoughts like, oh, I didn't get included in this, right, because I don't I don't drink. There's, there is that loneliness to it and it's like sometimes you will look again and be like what is wrong with me? And the answer is nothing. Nothing, you are just not a term and you are just not subscribing to the toxicity. And it takes some time to detach from that toxicity and detach from the family unit you knew and you can build a new family unit, either like within yourself and then what that looks like going forward with that family unit.

Courtney Andersen: 17:15

There's a great book. There's a great book that I have mentioned many times in this podcast. I actually just finished reading it and it's called Codependent no More and I highly recommend that, if you come from a family of drinkers, that you read that book. Okay, it will blow your mind. Rip Melody Now, it's the author. She passed away this year and we're just so fortunate to have this great book. I have just read that book now for the fifth time. You might be like Jesus Courtney, but this is what I know. This is what I know of from where I sit here and the years of work I have done with myself on myself.

Courtney Andersen: 18:06

There's issues like people pleasing, like codependency, right that you are never truly going to heal from. That they will continue to pop up in different times of your life where maybe a situation arises okay, my dad is currently going through stage four kidney cancer and I found this out in February and I, within like that first month, noticed some like codependent stuff coming out of me and I was like I need to revisit this book Because, at the end of the day, I can only control myself. I cannot control everybody and their actions, right. So this is why I read it again, because when I see that stuff come up, that's where I'm like breathe, it's an awareness, and then I can sit there and be like, okay, I need to do what's best for me, because it's really easy and this is the same thing with drinking too it's very easy to go back to default ways of thinking, especially when that was fucking instilled in you for so long. Same thing with the drinking where it's. Sometimes you will just catch yourself being like it's easier just to drink. Okay, it's easier just to have a drink and deal with this in life.

Courtney Andersen: 19:26

That has come from the years of whatever was instilled in you and even in your active relationship with alcohol and your addictions, of how you coped okay. So these like inner things, of what makes us be like I say like people pleasing and codependency where you you I don't want to say it's a day to day, constant thing through the evolution of your sobriety, If you, if these ring true with you, but it's something you got to work on. It truly is. It's something you got to work on from time to time with stuff comes up. So if you come from a drinking family, read that book, read that book, read that book. I will link it in the show notes below.

Courtney Andersen: 20:09

So breaking generational patterns is one of the most badass things you will ever fucking do in your life, because it's going to bring you peace and if you have kids, it's going to end with you. If you don't have kids, it still ends with you and that that's something that you can work on and heal from in this lifetime and be like I'm done. I'm not whether you believe in next lives, however, you believe what happens to us, but it's something that you were put on this planet to deal with, and you're dealing with it okay. And breaking general rational trauma is like, this isn't easy, this isn't sexy, like, but you need to deal with it, right. So it can be exhausting that bond, that pull that you have with your family and they're still in this relationship with alcohol. It's emotionally taxing, you know.

Courtney Andersen: 21:12

So this is why you have to work through it, and journaling is a great way to work through this kind of stuff, especially with your families. You know, even, too, if you want to write, like one of your family members, a note about their own ranking, then fucking write it. You don't have to give it to them. Write that shit out, fucking read it to yourself and then burn the bitch, have a burning ceremony in your backyard, burn it, let it go, because, again, going back to what I said, some people do not know how to have a productive conversation and you walk away with hurt feelings inside these family units. Right, it's a lot okay. Just know that these breaking these generational patterns again, you don't have to continue passing this down or dealing with this in your life. So it's an extraordinary thing to be like I'm fucking done. I am done.

Courtney Andersen: 22:10

That's what I wanted to say too, when I thought that they were like maybe having the times of their lives and like how I was missing out, like if I was missing out on what they were doing because they were all together drinking. The reality is is that I wasn't, because it was the same old song and dance and it looked exactly the same, right when? Then it's like again you have to think of that. It's like you went back to that and then you were drinking with them, of how they would feel. But what's great about no longer drinking? And I want you to fucking take this with you. What's great about no longer drinking? And I want you to fucking take this with you. What's great about no longer drinking inside that family unit? You will never hear fucking again that you need to control your drinking. Why can't you just have one? You'll never have to go into a shame spiral again with your family where they're all pointing the fingers at you because you can't quote unquote hold your liquor, but they all can and you don't ever have to deal with that and that is free. And if you're nodding your head like yeah, yeah, I was that one in the family, right, like I was the one where it was constant, worrisome of you know if there was rehab and their drinking problem and when they drank, this is what happened.

Courtney Andersen: 23:29

I have an interview coming out in the summer probably in August, I have to say, because sometimes with guests I like to record a lot, I batch content with the guest. I had to do that before the Dictator was done with school for the summer. But I interviewed Tom Farley, which is Chris Farley's brother, and really the focus was on him. But I had said to him in this interview and Chris Farley was a comedian who Saturday Night Live if you don't know who he is, I highly recommend you take to Google and I had asked the question I said did you get away with your drinking? Because the main priority was always on him, because he was such, he was the extreme and he's like oh, absolutely.

Courtney Andersen: 24:21

And that's what happens in family dynamics. It's like there's the one who is the hot mess express in my family. It definitely was my sister. And then I was right underneath my sister, you know, because I didn't, because I was like the good girl, right, like. So how my drinking came out was it looked a lot different than like Kimmy's fallout. I'm not throwing my sister under the bus like Kimmy's fallouts. I'm not throwing my sister under the bus.

Courtney Andersen: 24:50

If you're new here, we do an episode to. We do a show within a show called Living on the LH, which I'll have news about that soon. Okay, so I'm just. This is how family dynamics can look, so just know that you are not missing out when it comes to continuing to partake in that. You know, and maybe too, you sat there for years and watched your dad get hammered and talk to your mom like shit, and your mom enabling that and sweeping that under the rug, and then, through your mom's trauma, she became a narcissist. And then you have to deal through a narcissistic mother, right, like the drinking fucks it all up. I mean 1000%. And that is why I still have such a passion about this, because, again, I don't give a fuck if you drink. I don't. I'm not a judger, I'm not. Even if you were to go sober and you slip, it's like, okay, it's okay, you know. And alcohol is out there. And if alcohol doesn't impact your life in a nugget of way, feel free, it's illegal. It's never not going to be illegal, right? We've seen what people do when they try taking alcohol away and saying that it's illegal, so it's in this world. It's not going. It's not going. But alcohol fucking destroys families. It destroys families.

Courtney Andersen: 26:17

I saw such a good meme too. There was this chick, she's a food coach, she's a food coach. And there was this other chick on social media who was like, very like, eat red meat. Like talking about shitty foods out there, but then in her grocery cart she had five bottles of red wine, like five bottles of wine in her grocery cart. And this chick was like, oh yeah, because the bagels destroys families, right, the bagels, people eating bagels get behind a car and kill other people, like it's true, right? So I just, I will always be very passionate about how alcohol has fucking destroyed lives and families. And big alcohol is just sitting there with their dicks in their hands making billions.

Courtney Andersen: 27:08

Anyways, sorry for going off on that little tangent, but that's how I feel, like it's fucking sad. It is sad. So what can you keep doing, even when it's hard? Okay, you got to hold your boundary without the explanation. Okay, you don't owe anyone a fucking 90 minute explanation about your sobriety, you don't. And even if they keep pushing, if they fucking keep pushing, then leave, get out the door. Nobody is chaining you to your mother's leather couch. You know what I mean. Just like I gotta go. That's why I'm a firm believer 60-minute rule. Give yourself an hour to participate. If you still want to have that connection Again, ask them stop going to their house on occasions. Hey, meet me for coffee, come over here, right? So you know. Just like I'm not drinking, I don't feel good when I drink alcohol anymore. That's all. That's all you have to say. I'm not drinking today, right?

Courtney Andersen: 28:15

Find a community that supports you AA, al-anon, smart Recovery, the Sobriety Circle, a fucking Facebook group, whatever it is that supports you, where you are around, people who understand, and that you can explain this to somebody who gets it. That is fire, okay. Let your actions speak louder than your arguments. Fire, okay. Let your actions speak louder than your arguments. You don't have to convince anyone that sobriety is better. Just live in the peace you're creating for yourself, and that's powerful for any comeback. And that is what I'm telling you that not everybody is going to be hip with the shit and not everybody is going to be able to have that productive conversation because they are in their own heads, in their own worlds and maybe, just maybe, your brother, who is functioning might have more of a problem than you will ever know, and maybe years down the road, your brother might come to you and be like I want to quit drinking. Or your sister, right Like. Or your mother Like, how did you do it?

Courtney Andersen: 29:27

Please tell me, make the space for the grief, because you are going and it's going to take time. This is not going to. This has nothing to do with how many days sober you are. Okay. This has everything to do about the process of grief, because you have to grieve the family that you were once part of. You have to grieve the family that you were once part of and the lies that were told in that family that you thought to be the truth. But then, when you got sober and you got clarity, you're like, whoa, it's a real mind unfucking. That takes some time and it might take a couple of years. You might even have in after 10 years like, wow, I still have some grief around that and just process the grief how, what works best for you, let yourself feel it. Let yourself feel it. You can start creating your own family with, like, the friends you choose, right, or, like I said, that new way of how you're going to show up in that family Number five.

Courtney Andersen: 30:39

Stop shrinking to keep others comfortable. Your healing might make them defensive, but that's not your burden to carry. Their secrets are not your burden to carry anymore. So don't ever dull your light to keep them safe. Seriously, do not ever dull your light for the expense of them Again, for the expense of them Again. Other people's secrets will fucking keep you sick. And even if working through that with the therapist, work through that with the therapist to process that, but this grief is going to take some time, okay. So remember, you're not the problem. You are just interrupting this pattern, right? You saw the dysfunction within yourself and said no more. And this ends with me. You're breaking that generational patterns.

Courtney Andersen: 31:37

You know, you might even look at it too, like were your grandparents drinkers? Was that the vibe for them? All of what you learned, of what that relationship with alcohol was like in your family? So there's going to be pockets of loneliness, there's going to be pockets of where it's hard, but this is one of the best things you can do for yourself is really kind of face this and I'm not saying face it head on by telling these people. If you want to tell them, feel free. But I'm not saying like now you go to them and be like you motherfuckers. You guys are all drinking, you know, and it might blow up to that it could, but I just you acknowledging it or you just listening to this to be like, oh God, I'm so happy. Finally somebody is starting to talk about this. So you know, you're not the black sheep, you're not the outcast and or the one who doesn't fit anymore. You're ahead of the game, you're ahead of your growth and that is something I had to keep remembering to myself.

Courtney Andersen: 32:37

Those first couple of years Like I am doing this for me and the better part of me, because there were periods where it was like even before Matthew, there was periods where, like I don't know, even in my drinking days, it's not like I was connecting with my family all the time, right, and it still felt lonely even in my drinking days. And then it's like I only got connected with them or felt connected sometimes with because of the drinking. And I have to say like especially too with my dad. It's been a process to work through, that of being sober in these last 12 years. Like I said, he's always supported me in this, but it was still like there was a elephant in the room. Okay, and if you know that feeling, you know that feeling. I don't have to elaborate that anymore because for so long it was about bonding and bonding through cocktails, very surface level, buzzed bullshit. You know what I mean.

Courtney Andersen: 33:46

So I hope this episode helped. Please let me know, slide into my DMs on Sober Vibes and I would love to hear your feedback. Okay, and, as always, if this episode helped you too, please rate, review and subscribe to the show so you never miss an episode. If you are needing one-on-one coaching with the Sobriety Circle, you can find all of that information. My Sobriety Circle is my group coaching program. You can find all of that information in the show notes below. Thank you for listening. Have an awesome day and keep on trucking.