Help Quitting Alcohol Why Willpower Alone Fails (And the Strategy That Actually Works to Stop Drinking)

If you’ve ever told yourself…
 “I just need to try harder.”
“I should be able to control this.”
“Tomorrow will be different.”

…but nothing actually changes, this episode is for you.

Today, I break down the REAL reason quitting feels impossible when you're relying on willpower alone and why this doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you're using the wrong tool for the job.

If you’re trying to figure out how to stop drinking every night, tired of white-knuckling your way through evenings, or wondering why logic and good intentions never seem to stick, you’ll finally understand what’s going on beneath the surface.

This episode is especially supportive for women who feel frustrated, ashamed, discouraged, or confused about why they can be successful in every other area of life… except this one.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why willpower is a temporary emotion, not a strategy
• How alcohol hijacks the brain’s reward system
• Why cutting back feels impossible when you're stressed
• The deeper emotional triggers behind drinking
• What actually works if you want long-term change
• How to build real coping tools so you know how to relax without alcohol
• Why sobriety coaching helps you succeed without burnout or perfectionism
• The strategy that replaces shame and willpower with clarity and confidence

If you’re stuck in the “I will do better tomorrow” loop, this episode will help you understand why and how to break free, finally.

Resources Mentioned:

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1:1 Coaching

My Book 

PODCAST SPONSOR:

This episode is sponsored by Soberlink, a trusted accountability tool for anyone navigating early recovery. Whether you're rebuilding trust with loved ones or want more structure in your sobriety, Soberlink offers a discreet and empowering way to stay on track.

Sober Vibes listeners, sign up HERE and claim our $100 Enrollment Bonus.

This episode is sponsored by ExactNature, a trusted holistic tool for anyone navigating recovery and sobriety. Use code SV25 at checkout to save on your order. Click here to shop and save. 

Grab my Masterclass for Free:

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Thank you for tuning in!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Why Willpower Fails
• 1:08 Welcome And Who This Helps
• 3:20 Progress Over Perfection
• 4:46 Tailored Support And Coaching
• 5:16 Willpower Is A Mood
• 6:05 Triggers: Fatigue, Stress, Overstimulation
• 8:38 Reward System And Dopamine
• 12:33 Restriction, Rebellion, And The Spiral
• 14:36 Honesty In Therapy And Shame
• 16:07 Early Sobriety Isn’t Perfect
• 17:28 What Works Instead: Triggers And Tools
• 20:05 Building An Alcohol‑Free Toolkit
• 23:37 Identity Shifts And Daily Choices
• 26:41 Support, Accountability, And Coaching
• 29:00 You Deserve Real Tools And Strategy
• 30:10 Coaching Invite And Closing CTA

Transcript

Courtney Andersen: 0:00

Have you ever told yourself I just need more willpower? I should be able to control this. I'll do better tomorrow. I'll do better Monday. Only to find yourself right back in the same cycle. If you try to quit drinking using willpower and it failed, this is not because you were weak. It's because willpower is the least effective tool for stopping drinking. Today I'm breaking down why willpower doesn't work and the strategy that actually does. Welcome to Sober Vibes, your podcast for alcohol-free lifestyle tips and real talk about long-term sobriety. I'm your host, Courtney Anderson, sober coach, author, and mom. Each week I share strategies, stories, and encouragement to help you navigate cravings, build confidence, and thrive in sobriety. Whether you're sober curious or years in, this is your space to feel supported and inspired. Hey, good people of the world. Welcome back to the Sober Vibes Podcast. I am your host, Courtney Anderson. You are listening to episode 254. If you're new here, I'm a sober coach, author, and your go-to guide for living an alcohol-free life. So in today's episode, I am talking to the woman who's tired, to the woman who is tired of cutting back, tired of the rules, tired of only drinking on the weekends, not feeling satisfied, right? Tired of being quote unquote good, tired of planning, promising, and powering through. But somehow you keep ending up in the same frustrating cycle, right? You're tired, as I've said, confused and wondering why you can't get everything else in your life under control. But you cannot get alcohol, right? So you've blamed yourself, you've shamed yourself, you've told yourself you should. And that this should work solely on willpower. But willpower is not a sober strategy. And today I'm going to explain to you why and what actually works instead. Okay. So just know wherever you are at in your journey, whether you have tried, you're trying to quit, you're trying to moderate, right? Wherever you are, I just want you to recognize and give yourself credit and acknowledge yourself that you are trying. If you have quit for if there's been periods of sobriety, and maybe you've been on this train for like two, three years, I don't want you to get frustrated. I know you're probably like, bitch, easier said than done, right? But the reality is, is I want you to look back in these last insert however many days, years you've been on this path. And I really want you to look back of like, wow, I have come a far way. I've come a long and far way. Okay. Because sometimes we're so prone to focus on like the slips, but not actually start focusing on like if you've looked at a year and you have gone 200 days without drinking, that is way more days not drinking than days drinking. Okay. And again, for so many of us, drinking has been in our lives for so many years, right? So if you are just starting and you keep going back to a day one, I want you to recognize how long alcohol has been in your life. And sometimes it is going to take a minute before you get into that consistency of sober days. All right. So again, before we dive in in this episode, if willpower hasn't worked for you, it's not because you're weak, it's because you were using the wrong tools. And this is what this comes down to. So inside my one-on-one coaching, I help women build personalized strategies that fit their real life, their stress, their routines. Because a lot of people are doing this based off of somebody else's life and situations. For as long as I've been doing this podcast, and even in my own journey, it's like, again, that is why in my book and very much into this, you I am a believer on you need to do what's right for you. Because there is a lot of people you tell a person like, you need to do this and this and this, the more that they will repel because it doesn't work for them and they're not finding the solution that needs to work for them. All right. So again, it is very tailored to people that I work with. So if you were looking for one-on-one coaching, apply using the link in my show notes be below. Again, I review every application personally. And if I feel like we're a good fit, we'll hop on a clarity call and to map out what the next steps are. Okay. And I have had a lot of people not wanting to show up on that Zoom call and getting very scared to show up. And then they show up and we end up working together, and they tell me through our process, like I was so nervous to show up. And I get it. It's this is this isn't easy. This is this isn't easy to show up and share that information with the person, but I get it. And then a lot of those women are still sober to this day. All right. Willpower isn't a skill, okay? It's a mood. And for a lot of women, that mood is often revolved of how we feel around our cycle. Okay. So going back to willpower being a mood, it's strongest in the morning, right? When we're rested. It might even be strongest when you are in that like ovulation phase or even to that what that week before you start your period. Okay. Where you're like, I have all this energy, I'm kicking ass, taking names, and then your period comes and you're like, I just want to lay in my bed for two days. Okay. So willpower is based off a lot of, I do believe that willpower can be based off of emotion. Again, with of how you feel. So in the morning, when you're real rested, you feel great, right? And usually willpower is weakest when you're stressed, when you are tired, when you are overwhelmed, when you are overstimulated, right, mothers? So this is exactly when cravings are going to show up. The number one trigger that I hear on a regular basis for women is when they are tired because they use alcohol as to have a little pep in their step and to get them to push through whatever they have to do for that day. Okay. I don't, I it didn't do that for me. I mean, it definitely like pepped me up, but it like pepped me up to keep going until then I would go into a black house. Pepped me up to party, to party and rage, but like I because I and I just I laugh about this because when I do get told, I'm like, man, I wish I would have been that. Like when women share this with me, because it just was not the case. Like I know women who use alcohol to like drink to clean. I just would not. I would then I would start drinking and then I would go on the porch and smoke a bajillion cigarettes and then be like, let's go out. So it's funny, not funny. So I applaud you ladies, you know, who use that to uh clean. I know that sounds effed up to say, but like I just that was not me. That was not me. So when you say when these words come out of your mouth, right? I'll be good tonight, you're making that deal, right? And you're making that deal with yourself using morning logic, but then evening brain is the one that shows up when you are feeling that certain type of way, right? You're trying to fight a neurological craving with a fragile and unpredictable emotion. Again, this is why I firmly believe that men and women, when it comes to quitting drinking alcohol, and in recovery, this is a night and day difference. So it's not you failing, it's the method that you have been subscribing to that is failing and that you've been caught up in. That's why that moderation cycle, it's like it is awful. It is awful. So understand that alcohol hijacks the reward system. So this goes into dopamine hits and stuff. Drinking is not the willpower issue, right? It's a brain wiring issue. Each time you drink alcohol, it hits your reward system with a artificial dopamine spike. So your brain learns this fixes stress, this fixes me being tired, this fixes the discomfort, this fixes the boredom. Because now, too, living in 2025, it's like, I mean, holy hell, you guys. The dictator said to me the other day, we were at an event last weekend, and like it was this event, and there was stuff to do for children. And this little guy said to me, and I quote, I want to go home. I am bored. And when I said to him, I said, You don't know boredom, you are four. I just had to go off on that tangent because it's with the boredom, okay. But I'm saying with 2025, there's so many options of like of how we are so overstimulated, right? But there's also two in 2025, we shouldn't be bored because there's so many options of things to do, but we heavily associate drinking with fun, and that's not the case. So alcohol fixes boredom, lies, it becomes automatic, and then you are on an autopilot, and it's a loop, and that is where it's like, let's get off the ride. So when you are trying to quit using willpower, you're not fighting the drink, you're fighting your own brain's wiring. And really, nobody wins long term using willpower because willpower will only take you so far if you're not tired that day, right? So willpower doesn't address why you drink, and that is something that you have to figure out of why you are drinking, right? You don't just drink because you want alcohol, and let's get real nobody likes the taste of alcohol. You like you like the effect, right? You like the relief from it, you like the relief from stress and the overstimulation and the overwhelm, and maybe just like the day-to-day of mom duties, or you fucking hate your husband, or you're miserable in the job that you are currently in, right? Like it it fixes emotional trauma, it fixes that discomfort that you haven't dealt with. I mean, I could go on of what alcohol of fixes. It makes you feel better after you said yes to 101 things when you didn't want to go to 100 of them. Now you're booked out for six months solid, and you're like, why did I just commit to that? Let me drink to make myself feel better. Let me drink to bury these feelings of codependency and or being an empath and taking on people's feelings, right? So that's where willpower doesn't address any of these things, it doesn't calm your nervous system, right? It doesn't meet your emotional needs. What it doesn't give you those coping skills. And a lot of us don't have any coping skills. The only coping skill we have is alcohol. Truly. Even too, if you were a person who works out and whatnot, and you're still going in the even you're working out in the evening, and then you're going and then coping with the day of that, that's not that alcohol just or I'm sorry, that workout just completely got wiped out because then you're drinking at five o'clock. Like, so that good healthy work that you did for yourself, that if you used your your workout as a decompressor, you're still looking forward to that drink because you're in that loop with it, right? So how alcohol and this willpower it doesn't give you the coping skills. So the stress is always going to continue to show up because you have to learn how to deal with this differently, right? And that stress is always going to show up again. The feelings will show up again, and then the drinking will show up again. And it doesn't, it doesn't mean that you are weak or you're not strong enough, but it's because the root caused hasn't been addressed yet. The holidays can be wonderful, but they can also bring added stress, cravings, and emotional challenges, especially when you're getting or staying sober. That's where our sponsor, Exact Nature, comes in. 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And long after the tree comes down. Visit www.soberlink.com forward slash sober dash vibes to sign up and claim your$100 enrollment bonus. You can also check the link in the show notes below. And often too, willpower operates in a restrictive mindset. Okay. And a lot of people think when you give up drinking alcohol, you're going to miss out on so much. So when you too, so you already have that in mind, right? And when you try to quit drinking with willpower, everything becomes about that I can't. That's why, too, I think restrictive dieting doesn't work because then it's like you end up driving yourself batshit crazy, being like, Jesus, I just want a Coca-Cola classic, right? Like, why can I not have a Coke? As you're just sitting there, like a little bit of an eye twitch. And unfortunately, though, this is where it's like, I with the drinking conversation, I don't think when people have problematic relationships with alcohol, they can moderate. You've tried it, you've been there, done that, probably bought a book and a t-shirt, and but it does not work, right? So again, the willpower, when trying to do the willpower route, it everything becomes about I can't. I can't drive, I can't drink, I cannot mess up. I'm going, right? Like, what if I fail? I can't have fun without alcohol. So these restriction triggers, then it kind of gets into the rebellion of it, and then it creates that effort attitude, right? The effort, I already blew it, right? I already drank on Tuesday, so I should just keep going. And then it's a spiral. And your brain is wired to push against the rule, right? Especially ones that feel punishing, especially too if you are a high achiever, where you're like, I get A, B, C, and D done, and I should be able to have this. This then it goes into a reward system. You can have anything, right? Like you could have a Coca-Cola and it could make you feel better, truly. When I drink a Coca-Cola, it makes me feel better. But I don't use a Coca-Cola as a reward system. I and that is the thing. But alcohol, how it has been designed, it is that reward system we get into that loop, right? So then too after all of this, this is why the willpower honestly starts crumbling and it will crumble fast. And then you find yourself back at a day zero, and everything's okay. Maybe for one or two times you drink, and then all of a sudden you're back to where you started, where you're like, Oh my god, I can't control this anymore. Okay. Again, that's because those problems underneath might not have been addressed. And a lot of two people, I do have to say this like you might be in therapy talking to your therapist, but you have never been honest about your drinking issue. Seriously. You've never been honest about it. And coming from experience, it is a night and day difference of trying to do therapy when you have this like lingering little thing you're not sharing because you don't want anybody to be on to your tricks. And then when you actually do, when you actually do therapy sober, and it's like, okay, let me get to the root of all of this and let me be honest. And there's like no nothing right now that's going to judge my judge my clarity, and I can fully, because you are more into alignment and more into a healing, healing process. So willpower always expects perfection, and perfection, it's just not possible, right? It perfection is an impossible thing. So with willpower, when the one slips becomes a failure, and failure becomes shame. And then the shame becomes about starting over again and again and again. So sustainable sobriety isn't built on perfection. I can't tell you this because a lot of people are like, Well, you know, like relapse, but it's like, but listen, I tried this for four years before. Or I quit drinking. I understand all of this. But those first two years were not, they were not the best of times, especially those first like 90 days, where it's like some days I was very angry. And then some days it was like I would have to cry in my car, or because it's Christmas and I always think about it around the holidays of that what I'm at and I got into a fight. And I drove around like screaming and crying in my car because I was so frustrated. But I didn't have the tools to start like of really understanding more about nervous system work and having more coping school tools to deal with those emotions that came up after I quit drinking. So it wasn't perfect for me and my in those first couple years of sobriety. That's what I'm trying to say to you emotionally. And it will take you some time to understand more of this willpower when you get into a consistent alcohol-free days and get your systems in place and understand those coping mechanisms that you need to start building for yourself in that. So just know that that perfectionism, it is it's not gonna, it doesn't work here. So again, it's a lot of built on your own understanding of you and compassion and giving yourself grace and your own strategy that works for you. So what does work? All right. I know this is gonna be a little bit longer one today, but I hope this helps in the month of December, 2025. If you're listening to this in real time, understanding your triggers. You have to understand your triggers. When you know why you drank, the craving loses its power, right? Awareness is fucking key and it's everything, and it changes your choices before that craving hits, truly. So if you know, like, oh okay, at five o'clock, I know when I step into that kitchen, like I'm going to start craving alcohol because this is what I've been doing for so long, right? Cooking and drinking. Five o'clock hour, especially if you're mom and you got the kids, like just to get yourself to bedtime. What are you gonna do to change that? That's what you need to write down and understand. Maybe does it look like you going out to eat, or maybe you just or grabbing carry out for a couple weeks? No shame in that. You gotta start doing stuff that makes it easier for you. Is it maybe you asking your husband, uh partner, like, yo, can you cook today? I'm just gonna go chill and take a couple breaths. My bedroom. Like, you have to start. Maybe is it you start doing some meal prepping so you're not in that kitchen? Is it you're drinking a mocktail that you're pounding a coke during that time? I don't know. You have to figure that out with what works best for you in these triggers. So building an alcohol-free toolkit, this is comes down to where you need these real coping skills, not just white knuckling it constantly. So these are tools that can regulate your nervous system and support your emotions, and even to try to keep you calm or try to keep your evenings calmer. Okay. So that looks like meditation, breath work. Again, maybe you start doing your workouts at night and not in the morning to give you that more zen and to giving you something to do, right? Maybe it's journaling and expressing those feelings. If you're not a journal, if you don't journal, then maybe it's like uh adult coloring book and express yourself in that way. There's a million and one ways you can express yourself. Maybe it's just now reading at night instead of looking on your phone and being able to, or even to with overstimulation, even with TV. I mean, if you think about it, do you guys ever please inside into my DMs and tell me? Or if you're watching on YouTube, comment and and comment below and let me know. Sometimes I will go to the 101 apps. We have, we don't really have that much, but we have majority of them. And I'm like, there's nothing on. After I just scrolled through like thousands of television and movie shows that I could watch, but I'm like, uh, like it where it sometimes just gets too much. So in the last couple months, I switched it to just kind of reading, except for when I catch up on the Bravo, or just reading at night, because sometimes it's too much, except for that P Diddy. Last week I did to tap in to that documentary. I I am so happy. I am so happy that I know who killed Tupac and Biggie. That's all I will say. I was always a Tupac really West Coast, and I am just so thrilled of last week. I learned who organized the hit. All right, anyways, getting back to this. It's not funny, but justice will be served here. So more tools than help, identity shifting. This is huge. So instead of trying to quote unquote not drink, you need to adopt a new identity. And it can be something like I'm a person who doesn't need alcohol to handle life, right? Identity shifts are going to become your new autopilot going into 2026. Waking up every day, and it's in my book. If you haven't grabbed my book yet, grab my book, Sober Vives, a guide to thriving in your first three months without alcohol. I will link it in the show notes. But it truly is once you start changing that identity, it happens magically for you. But there is a part in that book where I'm like, there's a mantra that you can use where it's like, I choose not to drink alcohol today. I am a non-drinker. So you're not saying I can't drink because that doesn't work for everybody, right? But it's like I choose not to drink alcohol today. And just focus on that. Be that person who does not drink alcohol that day, right? More tools to help you support and accountability. So again, trying to quit alone is a recipe for disaster. And support can accelerate everything: your clarity, your confidence, and your consistency. So personalized strategy, this is what coaching actually does. And I do believe that this is where the magic happens. Whether it is you have, because I'm not just gonna be one of those assholes who are like inside my coaching program, right? But like whether coaching is for you, whether a oh my god, a therapist, a therapist, and even to a sponsor, uh whatever fits to you, right? But I just want to share that inside my coaching, we do map out your triggers and create routines that actually support you and that build on emotional sobriety. In my coaching specifically, too, I work on emotional sobriety with that person. And they will get to a point. And I'm thinking about a couple ladies I've worked with this year, where it's like they have talked about something, and I'm like, there you go. And they're like, what? I'm like, welcome to the emotional sobriety world. This is what emotional sobriety is. And when people understand that, and with coaching, that actually accelerates quicker when you are on a one-on-one situation with a person, one-on-one structure, because it I'm able to recognize it in a person, and that that's something they can't recognize in or don't know what that is yet. And it's like this is part of the process, all right? I create stress-free plans, we implement boundaries, build on new identity, remove shame from the process because shame I don't fuck with. So it stops being about chaos and becomes more about a system and a strategy and a plan that fits for your life, not somebody else's life. So again, just remember you are not failing because you don't have enough willpower. You're failing because you're human and humans don't change with willpower alone. All right. You deserve real support, rules, real tools, and real guidance. You don't need to keep white knuckling your way through another week or another attempt, right? So you deserve a strategy that works. Just keep that in mind. And whatever strategy that works for you, but you have to find that because it's not just it, it goes deeper, like I said, than that feeling of like, oh, okay, I feel good. I can do this because that bubble will burst within time. And then all of a sudden it's like you're tired, you're on your period, right? You're in perimenopause, like you're just like, oh my God, what is happening here? Give me that drink. So truly, you can find tools and resources to continue to help you on your sober journey, right? So again, I would like to invite you to my one-on-one coaching. You can find the link to apply in the show notes below. And as always, good people of the world, thank you for listening. If I didn't say it, happy holidays. And my next two episodes are with guests, and then that will be the end of 2025. And I will be back with solo episodes in 2026. If you haven't yet, please rate review and subscribe to the show. When you do that, when you subscribe or rate the and review the show on iTunes, I will send you my free or my workshop that you can get for free. You just have to screenshot me the review and send it to me. You can either email it to me or send it to me in Instagram DMs and you can check that out in the show notes below. Like I said, um, thank you for another year with me. I truly appreciate it. Thank you for allowing me to be on part of your journey. I that doesn't, that's not I don't take that for granted. I don't take that lightly because I understand that this process, I understand where you're at and along the journey. Those first couple years are different. Trying to quit drinking is different. It's not easy, but it's one of the best things you will ever do for yourself. All right, as on a wave, keep on trucking.