Stuck in the Moderation Cycle? How to Quit Drinking Without Starting Over Again

If you feel like you’re constantly starting over with drinking, making rules, breaking them, and promising yourself “this time will be different,” you’re not alone. 

In this episode of the Sober Vibes Podcast, I break down the moderation cycle and why trying to “drink less” often keeps you stuck longer than you need to be. 

This episode offers a practical, no-shame approach to quitting alcohol without the constant reset, guilt, or all-or-nothing thinking.  

In This Episode, You’ll Learn 

• the subconscious reason moderation keeps you stuck
 • signs you’re bargaining with alcohol (rules, exceptions, “starting Monday”)
 • why trying to control drinking can feel more exhausting than quitting
 • why bargaining feels safer than stepping away completely
 • how the “start over” mindset reinforces shame and inconsistency
 • a simple 3-step plan to quit drinking without starting over again
 • how to reduce cravings by changing your environment and routine
 • how to prepare for triggers and “danger moments” ahead of time 

Sobriety becomes easier when you remove the constant decision-making and create a system that supports you.

Ready for Support? Here Are 3 Ways to Work With Me:
• Stop Starting Over Program
• Sobriety Circle
• 1:1 Sober Coaching 

Gain access to my Masterclass when you submit a review on iTunes. Email me sobervibes@gmail.com with a screenshot of the review, and I will send you the code to unlock my Masterclass for free!

Thank you for tuning in!

Thank you for listening! Help the show by Rating, Reviewing, and/or Subscribing to the Sober Vibes Podcast.

Connect w/ Courtney:
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Transcript

Why Moderation Keeps You Stuck

The Hidden Bargaining Scripts

Coaching Options And Support Paths

Why Quitting Feels So Scary

The Shame Loop Of Starting Over

The Three Step Exit Plan

Rethinking Friday Night Triggers

What Changes When You Stop

Rating Reviews And Free Workshop

Courtney Andersen 0:31

Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vives Podcast. I am your host and sober coach, Cordy Anderson. You are listening to episode 269. I cannot believe we have this many episodes in this show. And I look forward to many, many, many more. So if you're new here, make sure to check out previous episodes. And if you've been here for a long time, welcome back. And I hope this episode helps you today and your sobriety journey. All right. So if you feel like you're constantly starting over with drinking, and this is a good one, even if you've had some time under your belt to listen to, because listen, you have to humble your ass. You have to humble yourself going forward and listen to stuff like this to remind you of, yep, that is exactly where I do not want to go to. Okay. So if you feel like you're constantly starting over with drinking and making the rules and then breaking them, telling yourself this time will be different. This episode is definitely for you because today we're talking about something that keeps a lot of women stuck longer than they need to be, right? And that again is going back to the moderation cycle. And more importantly, how to get out of it without starting over again and again and again. Because there's a lot of shame that comes up with that. And for so many people who it's like on, off, on, off, on off, right? Like it starts to become, it is shameful. And it's use like the anxiety around it and the what is wrong with me, right? So we're gonna get into that today. Okay. Here's the truth that most people don't say out loud, right? Is that modern moderation does keep you stuck because it lets you keep some relationship with alcohol. You're not fully letting go of it because you're scared to, but it's also while postponing the clean decision to step away. And it keep it feels productive, right? And it feels responsible to now get into this moderation cycle, but it feels like you're doing something, like that you're you are trying. And listen, you are trying, okay? But there is like this sense, this false sense of progress, this false sense of progress in the moderation cycle. That I do believe that that false sense, it keeps you stuck and comfortable with where you are. And even if this is happening when you're in this false sense of state, underneath it all, it's like you're still negotiating with yourself. You're still thinking about alcohol all the time. You're still trying to manage it, you're still giving it space in your life. You are allowing it, right? And that mental load becomes exhausting. So here are some signs for you to help you move through this process, right? Signs you're bargaining and you don't even realize it because a lot of people, because it goes on to such an autopilot experience in this, right? So here's what bargaining often looks like. Only on the weekends, only after 5 p.m. Only two drinks. Not tonight, but maybe tomorrow, right? I'll start Monday. I'll be good this week. Because I wasn't last weekend. I was a real shit back last weekend, right? Or this is always my personal favorite. I just need to get better at this. And this is stuff I told myself because please remember, for four, four years, I tried, which the key to the term moderation wasn't around back then, but it is now. So it's like that I understand what I was trying to do at that point. And I was trying to moderate it and I was trying to fit it into my life because I was so scared to let it go. So, like, none of that, what you're you're bargaining with yourself is random. That is your brain trying to keep alcohol in your life, and that is alcohol trying to be kept in your life because that is how alcohol is. It is a highly addictive substance. And I don't give a fuck who you are. It will get anybody, right? When alcohol tries to stay in your life, and that's even too like when people get into a part where it's like that between 30 to 60 days, where then your mind starts being like, you weren't that bad. It's because it's, I know it sounds silly to talk about it like that, but it is. It's like alcohol wants you to come back to it. That addictive side wants you to come back because it is an addiction that you had for so many years. Even in this now moderation cycle that you were stuck in, which majority of people get themselves stuck in at the end of their drinking careers. So just know that this breakthrough for you is coming to coming to this next step, coming to an end. You just have to get off of this ride. Your brain is trying to still enter, keep it in your life in a more controlled way. But if you're constantly thinking about it, planning it, or recovering from it, or even being pissed that you weren't able to drink enough that night, you didn't feel as drunk, that's not freedom. That's management where you're trying to manage something that is no longer working. Why at the point that I did when I was on August 18th, when I woke up and sat there for those three days in the midst of me with it, it's because I can't I can't live like this anymore. I cannot manage this. It is, I am quote unquote, powerless over alcohol when it injures my body. But I am not powerless over it when I am not consuming it, right? Because I made that choice. And in that moment for myself, I made that choice. And that's what this comes down to, truly, honestly. The the rest you can figure out, but it's like you have to at some point make a choice and be like, I'm done. I am done because I have found with the women that I have worked with, myself included, the women I've worked with, is that once they make that choice, it's a different ball game. And they will figure it out on how that day is gonna look, even through cravings and all of that. Okay. And before we get more into more of this episode, just know that if you are looking for sober coaching, I have three ways that you can work with me. Definitely for the lone wolf girlies here. I do have now myself guided program that I am launching as of today. And I'm very, very excited about it. And it's my stop starting over program, a step-by-step guide and program to help you quit drinking and stay sober for good. There's a sobriety circle for the gals out there who love community. And of course, if you are looking for more accountability and one-on-one support, I have my one-on-one coaching. So check out the information below in the show notes if you are wanting more help on your journey. Even if you're like, I've tried it all before, I'm telling you, majority of women end up in my groups who have tried everything. And then they have ended up in my programs of one of the sorts, one of one of the two, I should say. And now I have this third option, and it has helped the majority of women who have stepped into my coaching world. So if you need help, look in the show notes below. I will gladly assist you along the way. Or if you have any questions, reach out to me on Instagram, Sober Vives, or you can always shoot me in an email. Okay. So why does bargaining feel so why does bargaining feel safer than quitting? And this part matters, right? Because moderation isn't just a habit. It's really becomes about safety mechanism for you, right? So quitting, quitting feels like a loss, an identity shift, uncertainty, right? The uncertainty of, oh my God, what's gonna happen when I have to travel to Mexico in a year? Like, how am I gonna sit on a beach without having some ridiculous frozen cocktail by my hand? Okay. Wish I used to drink those. But how's it gonna be when how am I gonna have sex again sober? What is going on? Are my friends gonna like me? All of this comes into play. How am I gonna get that relief? Because for so many, that alcohol has become a relief for you and that copy mouse. But I'm gonna tell you this, and this is what you need to ask yourself, and this is a good one of like for your decision. At what point did alcohol stop becoming fun or slash that relief? Okay. Because at some point it did, because it's only making matters worse. So it's it's that one hour of relief that you're getting that you think that you're getting really worth the 23 hours to 48 hours of fallout that you receive from this one substance. And just really the thought of forever is very overwhelming and will make you stay in that relationship. So moderation feels like control for you because uh, with a lot of women, we want to control as much as we can. But at the end of the day, there's only so much that we really can control if you look at the grand scheme of things. With these young ones, I'm at that four and a half stage, and holy moly, four has been wild with my little dictator. Loved three. I didn't have that three three nature BS, but like four, it's like big little feelings times 25. I I'm sick of hearing the word no. I'm almost sick of myself telling one person to please stop, please stop, please stop. That makes me laugh. But but seriously, you can't even, you don't even, you can't even control children's emotions. It's each day is a new day. What are we gonna get today? So again, moderation feels like safety to you. So your brain chooses the thing that feels less threatening, right? Even if it's keeping you stuck, which moderation is going to keep you stuck. The goal of your brain isn't transformation, it's it's being familiar with something, right? So the problem when starting over, every time you break a rule, you tell yourself, okay, I'm starting over. But what that actually does is reinforce shame and consistency, right? All or nothing thinking. And the all or nothing thinking, too, I do believe comes in back to this 12 12-step program. I'm so I listen, I'm a day counter, but not everyone is made that way. So just like that all or nothing thinking, and then plus two, like having to start over at day one for many people feels very overwhelming. The all or nothing thinking as well is something that I think that there's so many things into our world, like diet culture, like you have to be perfect. But it really just comes back to consistency, and people do do have slips with with drinking. And but it's about catching yourself before you fully take on that full-on relapse where you're in the thick of it and you're like, holy shit, if I only would have thought about if I only only catch myself a couple months prior to this, I wouldn't be here with where I'm at now. That all or nothing thinking, a lot more of us are are prone to live in a gray area, and it's okay to live in a gray area, and that all or nothing thinking comes back into perfectionism, which many, many, many of you have, including myself at one point of time. You're you're not actually starting over, you're looping, and loop continues as long as alcohol still has a place in the equation because you almost become addicted to the cycle of the fallout, and that's what I'm saying. It's a you're chasing fucking chaos. And I get it myself because I chased chaos for a long time. I was comfortable in the chaos because that is what my nervous system knew. So this is the three-step exit plan. All right. I want to simplify this. I don't want to overwhelm you, and this isn't a 10-step plan, just the three things, right? So, one, I need you to decide, like I said earlier, not try, not see how it goes, not cut back, decide. Decision creates the clarity and clarity reduces negotiation. You don't need to decide forever. And why I say you don't need to decide forever is because that forever is going to overwhelm the F out of you. So just write, just write the one day at a time. I decide today that I'm not gonna drink. You need to wake up and decide the next. And majority of people, once they get past that 90 days, it's easier for them than to be like, okay, this is a forever decision. And sitting in that day where it's okay, I'm fine with forever, it doesn't give me the heebie jeebies like it once used to at day one, because where you and your nervous system are at at day one is not gonna be where you and your nervous system are at at day 90 through day 500. So just know, just you're in the beginning process of this of giving off the moderation cycle. So just take the forever out of your brain, but deciding that you're not gonna you know that you're gonna give up drinking, right? And you just need to decide what you're gonna do right now, right now, in the very present moment. So step two, you're gonna remove access. This is the part a lot of people skip. If alcohol is in your house, okay, it's in your routine, in your default plans, your brain will keep reaching for it. Make it harder to access, right? Change your environment, change up your routine, change what's available because willpower is unreliable, but environment is powerful. That's why I'm saying, like, even to during with changing up your environment, even if you're part of the witching hour of just like getting out of your house for a little bit by just walking and moving your energy and getting that anxiousness out, get it out of you because it uh that energy in your body needs to go somewhere and needs to focus on something. Because if you keep stewing on it, then you're just gonna go down a rabbit hole. And this is all stuff that I had to do for myself. As I've stated before, and as you've read in my book, I was not just modging picture frames and crafts for the fun of it. I was trying, I was keeping my hands and my mind busy and focused on something else rather than sitting there and looking at the clock, being like, oh my God, it's only been one minute and it's felt like five hours through this craving. Hey, my husband and I just cleaned out our the basement the other day, and he actually found this box that I modge podge. And I was like, Well, goddamn, that's actually pretty cool. I was like, Oh man, I had some talent in my early days of sobriety, and all it was was gluing a uh cutout magazine pictures on a box, but it came out pretty good. So, anyways, I was not just doing that for funsies, I had to recreate, replace my old addiction, my that old toxic habit with something new and rewire my brain, right? So, step three, prescript your danger moments. You already know when it gets hard, right? Every you're gonna know what that witching hour is for you, right? After a long day, maybe your Friday nights, social events, when you're stressed or overwhelmed. So instead of reacting in the moment, plan ahead. Ask yourself, what will I do instead? Have a script. I'm not drinking tonight. I'm taking a break. I'm on a cleanse. I feel I'm currently feeling better without alcohol. Have a plan. What you'll drink instead, what you'll do instead, how you leave, how you leave if needed. If you need to just exit stage left, but take the do the 60-minute roll where you're only staying at a social event for an hour, not adding more social events to your to your to your week instead. I want to say this also too about let's let's go back to that Friday night. Okay. And I just said this to someone the other day. If you look at your week, I want you to look at Monday through Friday. Okay. You're busy, you're working, if you have kids, you're running them all around town, you're doing pickups and drop-offs, you're feeding them. You have your if you're working or if you stay at home mom, whatever it is, look at that Monday through Friday. And then people on Friday then want you to go out and socialize more. Do you know how much how draining that is? How much energy you are now giving somebody on a Friday night? Friday nights should be about staying home, ordering pizza, not making another GD meal and just relaxing from the busy day to day you just had through Monday through Friday. Okay. And then if you got some rest on Friday and not went out and then taxed yourself and put yourself into these situations where any going out on a Friday night is awful. I will stand by it. I worked in the service industry for two decades. That is the worst time you're ever, that is the worst day of the week to get good service. The food sucks. The wait staff hate being there because they would rather be out on a Friday, right? And it's loud as AF and it's overstimulating. I'm just saying there is better times to go out on a Saturday and Sunday that are actually less busy and more enjoyable. So I so with Fridays, it's take Fridays now to be like your day, like your evening of decompression. And then it's like you're so tired by that Monday through Friday business, you're sleeping by eight o'clock because you just put so much energy and effort out. Energy in, energy out. You have to have a balance within yourself, especially too when you're quitting drinking, because quitting drinking alone takes a lot of energy out of you those first 30 to 60 days because you're going through that with draw with that that pause, okay? Just know that. What happens when you stop bargaining? Right. So when you stop bargaining, negotiation with alcohol, something shifts with inside of you. You get mental space back, right? Emotional clarity, consistency, self-trust, and you stop thinking about it all day long because you made that decision. You stop recovering from it, you stop starting over. And that's when sobriety actually starts to feel easier. Not within that first week, you guys, but not within that first week. So I don't want you to sit here and be like, okay, it's I'm on day two. I should be feeling these things. It just takes some time. But when you stop introducing alcohol into your system and actually give yourself that honest fair go, you are going and then get gaining that self-trust back into yourself. You're gonna be like, wow, I'm no longer stuck in that cycle. And anybody who will tell you when they get off of that cycle and within those first couple months, they're like, oh, I just feel so much freer than what I used to because I was so I was so tied down to one substance. So just know that making the decision for yourself is going to help you. Stop allowing wiggle room with alcohol. I'm serious, stop. And and usually two people do it because they don't they don't have the accountability of someone to be like, okay, but I thought you said you were gonna do it, or people around you just now expect you, this is what they expect from you. Oh, she said she was gonna do it, and then she's we're back here. But this time, and I'm sure before that, listen, I'm sure before that it was like, you know, you you subcon you knew on a deeper level that you weren't gonna give it up for good, and that's why you're now into this moderation trap. But at some point, you do have to say alcohol keeps showing me who it is, when it enters my body, how I feel, and I just can't subscribe to this anymore. And the one thing that is going to help me move forward in my life is to stop drinking booze, right? And I shit you not that is. The one thing that I gave up that has given me more than anything that I could have ever asked for. Right. Like, even in just the self-respect of oh man, so glad I'm not on that loop. Because that is what that is. It's just a constant loop of like self-hatred and just it a self-loop of grossness. It's at some point you become gross out with yourself where you're like, GD, how much more can I take of this? You get sick of yourself. So you really have to, with alcohol, you have to just be like, I'm done, and never pick it back up again ever. If this episode helped, it's not random. The universe brought it to you today. And it means part of you is ready for something truly, truly, truly different. You don't have to figure everything out today, right? But you can stop negotiating. And that alone can change everything. It's truly. It can truly change everything when you just give up and surrender to the fact like I'm, I'm, I no longer want this. I'm done. So just make that decision and then figure out the plan on how you're gonna do it. But your one non-negotiable for the day is I'm not drinking alcohol today. As always, I hope this episode helped you today. And again, look at my coaching resources below. If you haven't yet, please rate review and subscribe to the podcast. And as always, if you leave a review on iTunes, screenshot it for me. Email it to me, sobervives at gmail.com, and I will give you access to my free workshop. You can check out the information again below in the show notes. And as always, good people of the world, keep on trucking.