Overcoming Adversity, Abusive Relationships, and More With Bill Murphy

In this podcast, I had the pleasure of interviewing Bill Murphy.

Bio:

Growing up in a toxic and abusive home environment, Bill Murphy was constantly overwhelmed by fear and doubt. Nevertheless, he was motivated to show those around him that he could accomplish what he set out to do, in spite of being
verbally and physically knocked down. 

Bill believes that when the storm hits, you have three choices: give up and become a victim; do what you can to survive; or learn to thrive. You don’t need to have exceptional talents or resources to overcome adversity, be resilient, and achieve
extraordinary goals. You are capable of more than you realize. You can learn to thrive. Bill Murphy is proof. Bill will be the first to tell you he is nothing special, but he’s been
able to overcome an abusive childhood, post-traumatic stress (PTSD), mental health challenges, and unexpected crises to finish an Ironman, earn a black belt in Krav Maga, and run the Boston Marathon five times—including one on crutches. He’s a regular guy who is now thriving at the top of his profession, too. 

Through his debut release, Thriving in the Storm, he seeks to explain how anyone can achieve similar success. Outside of writing, Bill is also a nationally recognized mortgage originator who has closed over one and a half billion dollars in loans, and a top producer for 25 years. He has raised over $500,000 for the Make-A-Wish-Foundation, and actively supports a number of charities, including Fairway Cares, The
American Warrior Initiative, and the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. He is the founder of the nonprofit Thrive Foundation.

Contact Information:

Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/billmurphy_fairway/

LinkedIn:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/williambmurphy/

Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/fairwayauburn

YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCToiLNu14U-hBodz65lxHSw

Books written:
https://www.amazon.com/Thriving-Storm-Principles-Overcome-Adversity-ebook/dp/B0B39NCDVB?ref_=ast_sto_dp


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Transcript

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  0:06  
Hello everyone. This is Dr. Mitchell from the Mental Health and Wellness Show. Today I had the pleasure of introducing Bill Murphy, Billl Murphy grew up in a toxic and abusive environment and was constantly overwhelmed by fear and doubt. Nevertheless, he was motivated to show those around him that he could accomplish what he set out to do despite of being verbally and physically knocked out. Bill believes when the storm hits, you have three choices. Give up and become a victim. Do what you need to survive or learn to thrive. You say you don't need to have exceptional talent or resources to overcome adversity, be resilient, and achieve extraordinary goals. We want you to realize that you are more capable than you might ever realize. And you can learn to thrive. And Bill Murphy is proof. Bill will be the first to tell you that, you know he is nothing special. But he's been able to overcome an abusive childhood, post traumatic stress disorder, mental health challenges, an unexpected crisis to finish as an Ironman and a black belt in Krav Maga and run the Boston Marathon five times, including one on crutches and that's pretty impressive. He's a regular guy who is now thriving at the top of the profession too, through his debut release thriving in the storm. He seeks to explain how anyone can achieve similar success. Outside of writing, Bill is also a nationally recognized mortgage originator was closed over one and a half billion dollars in loans, and a top producer for 25 years, he has raised over half a million dollars for the Make a Wish Foundation and actively supports a number of charities, including fairways, carrots, the American Ryder initiative, and the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. He is the founder of the nonprofit Thrive foundation. With no further ado, I would like to introduce our amazing guests. Bill Murphy, welcome to the show, Bill.

Bill Murphy  1:59  
Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  2:01  
My pleasure. Is there anything you'd like to add to your bio that to give you more of the listeners to kind of know more about you and more feel about you, we know that you made an amazing things and have challenges, but what's tell us about more about you? 

Bill Murphy  2:13  
Yeah, I just, you know, it's it really is I mean, this is a perfect podcast for you know, just being able to, when you put your mind to something, you're able to achieve it if you really want it badly enough. And it doesn't take special talents to go after things academically or physically, you can just you can put it together and go after it and Chief. No matter and also, no matter what your circumstances are as well.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  2:40  
I agree. So many people have this notion that you have to have these extraordinary skills, perhaps have this amazing family upbringing to get the life of your dreams. But so many people, you know, including myself didn't have the most prettiest upbringing, right, had challenges. And when people looking on the outside, they're probably thinking, Oh, Bill, you had it handed to you. It was easy. Just got it. But you know, deep inside, it didn't just happen like that. Right? It's something that you had to learn. And you had to go through like the motions. Correct?

Bill Murphy  3:13  
Yeah, that was my fuel was the self doubt is being you know, when you're backed up against the law, and you know, it's the devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear that you're not good enough, you can't do this, why are you wasting time and then you a lot of times, we tend to quit and get into those evil inner voices. And, and so you to brush those proverbial voices off your shoulder and go after it, but you got to, it just can't be back up against the wall, you need a reason why you want to get off that wall and go towards the goal. So I mean, why's are constantly changing, and they should, but you should always be evolving with your wife. I mean, my wife 25 years ago wasn't my kids because my kids weren't alive. So I've different why back then. And it may have been you know, it may have been the doubters or the naysayers, or that was part of my fuel. Now it is my kids. The reason that I, you know, put my feet on the floor every single morning to go hustle.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  4:09  
I really appreciate that that whole idea that the why can evolve over time. And, you know, 25 years ago, like you said, you didn't have kids, but I mean, you had to you had enough reason bigger than yourself to get up, you know, dust your dust off your knees if you fell and just keep on trying, right? Totally yourself. He basically, I've heard. So I would say you have to have at least 1% more belief and doubt, to move forward. You have to just have a little bit more faith to move forward. Even though you might be those negative thoughts, like you said, are playing in your mind. But you have to have that belief and just say, You know what, I'm going to do this because your desire that why that driving force is bigger than the problems that you're in.

Bill Murphy  4:52  
Absolutely. Yeah. And I love that. 1% more believe and go.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  4:57  
Yeah, it's it doesn't have to be this mountain like they say, even faith with a mustard seed, that little tiny little seed. It's like I could do this, I want this, you know, I got this. And you know, you mentioned a really important point, which I like to share with my listeners and even those I coach, this whole piece of like that mind game, right? What your mind is telling you those lies that perhaps have been imprinted in use through childhood experiences. When you see certain things happen in your life, especially as a young developing child, you start believing that as the way life is, you know, so if people are untrustworthy people hurt you, people who are supposed to look after you, you start believing that people or the world is this way, and maybe you're not worthy of being taken care of. You're not worthy of love, you're not worthy of these things, right? But we have to really overcome this mind game because I'd say success is a mind game, it starts off in the mind that mental fitness is so critical. I have a topic that is society, we need to really truly embrace. Right? If we want to get through and stop putting band aids on our situations, not well, I'd like to ask you a question. Because you a lot from your early childhood challenges, you know, life situations, mental health challenges, which would listeners who are listening, majority of people, at some point in time will experience mental health challenge, I think we have to like stop the whole stigma associated with mental health, I think we need to all look in because if we did look in the world to be a better place, but that's anyway, that's my plug. I'm a big into mental health. But for you, how did you overcome adversity relatively quickly? Like, what was your strategy? What was your secret sauce? What was it?

Bill Murphy  6:35  
Well, you know, I was always made to feel less than, you know, in my, in my home. So in order, I realized real quickly, in order for me to achieve anything, I had to do things in spite of the doubt and the shame at being shamed, both verbally and physically. And so it was just, it was kind of like the screw you mentality, you're not going to keep me down. But that doesn't work for everybody. Some people, some people do, unfortunately, cower to that, and they, they become the victim of their circumstances. And that's, that's what we talked about with that thriving mentality, you got to, you got to take action, in spite off what your challenges may be. And that's, that's kind of how I figured I figured it out quickly is I better, I better start taking take an action, I mean, came from a low, lower middle class, household, and the whole idea was, you're not going to get new clothes we're gonna get, we're gonna get secondhand clothes for you. But then, in the same token, you know, my dad at the time was off on these luxurious fishing and hunting trips, but yet, the kids couldn't have, you know, me and my sister couldn't have, you know, brand new clothes, you know, so, so that was as far as like, alright, Screw this, I'm going to paper and I'm going to make because I got a little I got a little bit for showing up with no name sneakers. We all, we all have to survive, right? So so we all need things. But this was, you know, again, it was, it was the opportunity with to provide was there it was, it was a choice not to provide for the kids. So, so that's how, that's how that resilience started to come in. I was like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna be victim to this victim to him. I'm gonna, I'll show you. But constantly battling self doubt in the process. Like, am I good enough? Am I good enough? So I just so when you said that, 1% percent more belief that 1% more belief, no matter how much doubt you have. You just have to put one foot in front of the other? You have to take action. The belief is the action you take? The doubt will win. If you don't put that foot in front of you.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  8:52  
Exactly. 100% I love it. I hate I feel the passion in your voice. I'm like, yes, for each guest. And you know, from an early childhood, you were basically shown whether they, whether they said it directly or indirectly, that you are not enough, you are not worthy of me spending my dollars on you. You are told I value these things outside the home more than I value you. You know what you are second at best, right? Because these this is what I'm feeling is what I'm hearing. The means are there but you're clearly being like conscious. And you're not getting those things that are easily within the reach of those who are supposed to care for you and value you. Right? And, you know, I like how you have this like, Screw you and how have you because I've definitely had to use that. And that wasn't a long term strategy, but it was at least what got me off my feet. I'm like, screw. You told me I can do this. I want to prove you wrong. You're going to, uh, you know, I'm going to show you, you know, success is the biggest revenge like Screw you, which is good, right? But I think for many of us when we've matured and kind of had more than the successes along the way we realize that we come to that place of peace in the car. is that this is a, this is not maybe our long term strategy, right? But it definitely helps us in the initial pain, right?

Bill Murphy  10:08  
Absolutely. So you just, you just packaged this up nicely to screw you, we'll get you started. But it shouldn't be we talked about the wire, screw you mentality is going to be taxing and draining energetically on you if you have a screw screw mentality through your whole life, right? So, so I grew up in a way of hypocrisy, and it was you need to get, you need to get A's and B's or in the, you're gonna get incredibly punished physically, you're going to be done. So I remember, I got incredibly be done on time, and shamed I got to see and conduct and in school and you know, A's and B's when seeing conduct and I said what C's average, you know, so that that was that was another probably smack across the face. But but so he would be by ACB, all of me by my report card. But in all of my years of schooling, and I got my master's should be allowed for a master's degree in counseling psychology. But all my years in schooling, he never went to one parent teacher conference. So you're going to be all over me for my see and conduct because I was chatting in school, and never go to a parent teacher conference meeting. So those C's were easily changed into B's on a report type where you had blue pants back in the day, so I learned, okay, so I weren't but so. So the screen mentality can be a small component of your wiring of your makeup. What my very first chapter in the book is make peace with your past. And it's not only through, it's not only for my own shortcomings and missteps, it's for those that that have wronged or wronged me along the way. And that's like, there's no ill will, like I'm, I'm thankful for all the storms and all the adversity and all the challenges and all the all the shaming because it shaped me to be able to, to be able to like move forward and give back and, and the one thing that we said about my kids was, I will, I will make damn well sure that you're gonna have way better than that. So I, you know, I coached everything, all your sports, and, you know, tonight, my daughter's going to get a showcase cheer showcase. So she's, like, my kids are going to do love Providence marathon with me for Make A Wish show like, they see that giving back matters. And being a part of that. And so when you make peace with your past, if you take that baggage, and Ill Will in the scream mentality got to it, that you know this better than anybody but to tell you that if if you suppress all of that aches and all that angers Stilley and feel revengeful it's gonna, you're gonna have the second your fifth physiology, your physiology is going to change in an adverse way that you're going to be constantly trying to get better, just because you just put all that stuff stuck inside. So you're gonna let go and be free. It matters.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  13:14  
Yes, you can hold on to that stuff. Never. I I like to look at it a few ways. I pick another I don't remember who originally told me this. But it's basically you got to be able to take that baggage, but you carrying and turn it into luggage, meaning put it on wheels, but in the corner, acknowledge that this happened, okay? It doesn't take that away from you doesn't make that person who did you wrong, right? It's not carrying that weight. Because it's toxic. It's like, it's like become become a septic. It's like a blood infection and it spreads and it can kill you or put you in shock and make you out act out of like, you know, character, you know, that is such an investment, an important piece. And I really, really like how you said, the first chapter in your book is about accepting the past. Because when I work with my clients, I have this three step framework and the first step is embrace and in the embrace, you have to embrace the past, present and future and manage your expectations. So you have to acknowledge Yes, this happened. This made me feel this, you know, this rubs me the wrong way I get it, this person hurt you. You know I you know you have these regrets, but you can't change it. What you can do is change your emotional response to it. And then decide are you going to let this feed challenges these traumas define you, or you're gonna make something beautiful for it from it. And I love what you've done. You've had this horrible tragedies and traumas that happened repeatedly over the most critical times of your life. And you were able to come to the point where you're like, you know what, I'm going to make something beautiful in this podcast. I am going to make this I'm going to learn something I'm going to take this so that something good comes out of it. As horrible as my father was and horrible as his experiences were at work. I'm going to be a better father, my children are going to be blessed, or they're going to have the love the guidance about their generation and report will never have to experience that torture I experienced, but you still able to impart the goodness, the faith, the resiliency, those skills and teach them in a safe, nurturing environment? Because you could have gone the other way, which is, unfortunately, many people do. They become a victim of their situation, right? This isn't that you never had that victim mentality periodically, like even myself, right? We've woe is me, this sucks, My life sucks, I must suck. But the point is, you were able to get back up, you're able to put that one foot in front of the other. So I really respect that first chapter, that acknowledgement of the past and how critical it is to move forward. Right?

Bill Murphy  15:46  
Yeah, yeah. For your for your listeners out, it may be. So when you get when you're through it, and you're through the adversity and you're over it, you know, maybe easier, easy for you to say. So here's the thing, if, if you have some use of baggage, I said baggage, if you have some stuff that keeps you stuck, or you just have a hard time forgiving, right, whether it is a your own misstep, or something that happened to you caused by somebody else, what I've done and what I would say to try this exercise, write down write down the five worst things that have happened to you that you're not letting go. And what identified the lessons you learned from that. And the Silver Linings will come as a result of that arrow help you heal a little bit more, if you can find the good. The lesson. How can you be in good when I went through this awful breakup? How can you get good? Well, I've lost this loved one, or maybe it's the memories, maybe it's maybe it's something that propelled you to go do something to create a legacy. Like, there's, there's always some takeaway, and maybe real hard to identify if you're in the middle of it, but try practicing, you know what happened, and then pulling the lessons and then identify, so much.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  17:05  
100%. That's very true. I like how you said, write it down. Because when you find when you write something down, you no longer have to so much carry it in your mind, like a to do list. So you have a lot of things going on, you're like, Okay, I gotta do this, about this. So much easier when you take the time to actually put it to pen and paper and look at it, like pick it off your mind. Right? That's really good. Um, so, okay, so maybe, you know, when people buy the book, oftentimes, it's a reflection of a period of their lives, right? Obviously, the book was inspired by your life, right? Like, without a doubt, you went through the storm, you thrive. And, you know, I really love the fact that you use thrive instead of just survive. So many people want to just survive, get through it, make it make ends meet, you know, just enough, barely enough, you know, once, you know, that kind of mentality, but I like to thrive because in my mind, it's like a cup overflowing. Like, you know, it's like a fondant system much more powerful.

Bill Murphy  18:02  
Yes. Why? Why survived, you can fry. Right?

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  18:05  
Exactly. And I take that whole cup overflow and thriving and say, you know, it is even possible. I know, this is like, Next Level is it is possible to increase your capacity, that cup, and still so like a cup was like, I don't know, 12 ounces or something. It is possible over time to increase your capacity. Right? And still have that abundance. Like, that's like next level, you know? half full, half empty. I'm like that. Oh, no, no, no, no. Lemme know about that. I want to increase my capacity. Cup overflow, because when you have a cup over flow, that's what you can fill other cups, right? Children's cup. You can people that you come in contact with your clients with your energy through your through just just who you are your persona, and you can bless others and do more like you're in doing you know, you're working with other charities because if your cup was just half full, I don't think you're gonna put your cup at corner tank. When you're, you know, you're gonna pass that goodness. So again, that's just me. Just thrive. So.

Bill Murphy  18:05  
You're right. So like, so we can kind of bring those motion let's let's identify those motions, right. So in terms of victim mentality, what do you feel you're feeling sadness, anger, hostility, maybe revenge, despair, depression, like, and then it's really hard to get out there create, right? But then you just mentioned that what is what is the thriving mentality, the Thrive mentality is abundance. It's joy, it's enthusiasm. it's love, it's happiness and peace. And that's when you can go and create. We talked about taking action that will present a belief over doubt and taking that action and that's when you're in those when you're in those motions, that it's easier to take action where you're down and out. It's really hard to take action. So you have to the easiest, fastest way to flip the switch from down and out and depressed In sad, angry and hostile is to say no. What? What am I thankful for right now? What is the gratitude that I have, and your blessings are all free? It's it's the love in your life love the kids that fam the roof over your head, the awesome job you have with the awesome career, your persona, or some of your goals, like those things are free. And they're the greatest joys of life right? Now you can create.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  20:28  
Exactly. And you can imagine, like the smiling the joy, I've heard, like, it's really hard to be angry when you're smiling. Right? Like think about it's hard to be worried when you're smiling.

Bill Murphy  20:39  
Yeah. Absolutely. You can ask you can have a negative and positive thoughts, same time. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  20:43  
Exactly. So beautiful. And you know, one of the things that as individuals, we need to work on and continually assess in our lives, because this is a continual process, right? Is this idea of overcoming limiting beliefs? The, you know, the woe is me that, oh, I can't do this, or I'm not smart enough. Or this is, this happened to me. So I'm not good enough. I'm not perfect, right? Because this is something I find so many people are challenged by, honestly, what I find with a large section of people, most people, some colleges are actually internal when you really pare it down to the tick down the layers, right? They think it's somebody else. But yes, that person or thing is contributing to the challenge. But when you actually see who's in control of this outcome, it's like right here, right? Our limiting beliefs.

Bill Murphy  21:37  
Limiting beliefs are self imposed. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  21:39  
Yeah, yes. They are.

Bill Murphy  21:41  
Bringing on ourselves. And it's, you're letting the noise influence you, then you need to get that noise out.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  21:47  
Yes, exactly. So can you maybe explain more to our listeners, like go over this concept limiting beliefs and this noise that, you know,

Bill Murphy  21:55  
Yeah, so we hanging around was your top five. And your, your top five, you know, if your top five means well, but they're bringing you down, you need to transition your top five and, and seek out the ones that will bring you up. And but yet, it could be your closest family members that are well intentioned, but they bring you down. So I'll give you an example. Like, you know, some of my endurance races and what I did there, the marathon practice, or it did some ultra marathons, or my mom will say, Billy, you can't do that, we'll get hurt, you're in your late 40s, you're 50 years old. So as I like my view, but I'm going to do it anyways, not least, I've always done it. So like, I would spend less time talking about things that I was going to do, because she always wanted to make sure that I was careful. And so that wasn't it wasn't like well intentioned, but that couldn't be my top five. So the people that I that I would surround myself or my workout partners, or my coaches, I believe in getting coached in everything that I know you coach to. I know. So the life coach, business coach, Coach, like I have a swim coach in the water, I have a triathlon, I have a business coach I have, I have a life coach, like I'm always getting coached in things that I pursue. So I can get that much better just as just even market like, we're marketing the book right now. So I have, we're seeking out a marketing coach, you know, like so like, that really will help you. And now you have a focus. So that's that could be one of your your tough I definitely I say to do is declare what you what you want to do. Because when you build the accountability, it's built in accountability, because you just you screened it from the rooftops, whether you put it on social media, whether you let people know whether whether you asked your family to, to, to support you and your goals. But when you declare it now people will say, Hey, how you doing? How you doing? With the half marathon? You want to get that? Oh, wow, I've got to start running. I mean, just that workout, they're starting with a plan in place because all these people keep asking me so that's that's your accountability. So if you keep it inside and don't tell anybody it's easier to quit. So build build that count really naturally for yourself by just declaring what to do

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  24:16  
100%. That declare that put it like just manifesting talking about it people who are going to be encouragement, right? Yeah, that sort that's five that's, you know, magic five, we talked about, that you are combination of the five people that are closest to you, who have that ability to rub off on you. Right?

Bill Murphy  24:36  
We we, you mentioned you mentioned there about you know, the coaching piece but in the positive the positive people is writing it down. So write down a pain or this is a goal here. These are my top five right these people's on put these names down, down to ask for help and they maybe a coach to maybe coaches. They may be colleagues because they may be best friends, they may appear as a spouse, a sibling, a kid, you know, it could be anybody. But then there may be another level that you have that, hey, this is a business school. Now I need another top five in here. So identify who can help you in different areas. And that's a process that I go through. But at mine, when I put my goals together.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  25:21  
100% that's like mapping right with those resources, collaborate, cheerleaders, people who are really going to inspire you, people who have been way been before, you know, like, I strongly believe coaches would have been where you been, and overcomes that what you'd like business coaching, you're not going to a business coach, she's never made like, six figures in her life, like, just not going to be your coach. Right? Or she's never done anything, never completed anything. Right? So that is that's really important. I too, have coaches, and coaches in different areas of my life. And it's like iron sharpens iron. Like, you just have to, you have to put the time investment and resources into it. And this is really your, if you have that big why this is really passionate. Like for you like this, this is important. I love this. I love these examples. I love the idea of putting things down manifesting and saying it out loud. People who are going to be life giving because I talk about soul sucking people who would take away sometimes good intentions, like they, they may come from a place of love, but that love is tainted with fear. That's the problem. Right? So they come through fear and fear will hold you back he'll freeze you fear will distort you like make you run away like no, you want people who are courageous, who are resilient, who are on this path of personal self development where they're wanting to get the next level and the next level and the next level. And also humble that really life is there's just ups and downs, ups and downs. But over time the general trajectory is up, though you might look down like recessions, you know, what 2000-2009 that big, crazy recession? And now like, but at the end of the day, where are you going? And not just in like one area of your life? What about like your emotions, your finances, your relationships, like physical health, like all those things, like really just have a whole, like I say, a holistic approach a whole person approach to this thing called life?

Bill Murphy  27:18  
Absolutely, you're gonna fall down. And that's, that's the Zig it's our way to the top. I mean, there's peaks and valleys, and no matter how perfect somebody may seem, seem on Instagram or Facebook, that I mean, they're gonna have tough days and not hitting snooze. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  27:36  
Oh, exactly. 

Bill Murphy  27:37  
So you just realize that you're gonna, you're gonna fall but when you fall, it's how quickly you get back up. And that's that's the key is the thriving Italys move fast. And that's you could lay down and stay there and say, you know what, this is a convenient excuse not to do what I said, I'm going to do because I got knocked down. But that's the opportunity, because you are going to get knocked out to get back up and thrive that much, get that private mentality and achieve that goal that much faster.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  28:03  
100% and recognizing embracing that getting knocked down is part of life and you should embrace it. Like seriously, how are you going to learn how in order to oftentimes in order to build something, you have to break it down? First? It is like, Alright, so the other day, like, you look at your life, you know, 40 some 50 some years, and you look back and you're like, Okay, how do you figure out like, what's next? Because domain it's very easy to get over the initial, let's say the beginning. Screw you. Screw you, Dad, how dare you tell me those things I'm going to prove you right, wrong. You know, get to the next step. Okay, you have a family, you know, like, what's next? Because so many people they're like, Okay, yeah, I achieved those goals. Good. They get complacent. And then I find when you get complacent you actually start going backwards. 

Bill Murphy  28:54  
Yeah, content. So what's next, here's the thing that I think is so important for those that have, they're achieving their success there. They're at that level that, you know, they're, they feel like, Hey, I don't have much more to prove in business in life or whatever. But I, I'm at that stage to right now. That's legacy, the legacy building is giving back. We just created a nonprofit, the pride foundation. So like, that's next for me is to I want my kid I put my kids as board of directors, you know, on my, on my foundation so that that I just want to model for them that they need to make a difference in this world. They're still they're still going through college to my two oldest are in college, but my only son high school, but I want them to realize that they're not just going to take up space in this world. We're going to make a difference and we're going to impact lives and give back. You know, we just I mentioned we just signed up for province marathons make wish my kids, my kids are going to do it. And they're not even runner. So it should be, it should be interesting. The women are running together as a family, my, my youngest is a competitive cheer. But so this is like, I'm so excited, it's gonna be the most incredible bonding experience ever. And we're already we're already talking about some of our running teams and things this is this will be, this will be in May, but when when you can look forward to something like that, about leaving this legacy with your kids involved. And it doesn't even need to be your kids. It could be, it could be coworkers, it could be your spouse, it could be any family or friends, it could be anything, or you could just make a difference yourself, whatever, whatever works for you. But to work towards that make that impact the legacy piece. That's that's from that's when you go to significance, legacy.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  30:52  
100%. I love that that legacy is sowing that seed legacy is like digging those like making sure those roots are solid legacy to me, I see imagery of like, strength when the storm comes again, you're rooted, right? Years, because it takes a lot of energy to like proceed to create that tree to create that seed so that its life, its story. Its process is, like carried on to the next generation. Legacy also, I think of thriving, that cup overflowing. Because if you're just in survival mode, you're gonna break even, it's like, I die and you bury me. And that's it like, No, you continue. You impact you take the time to model to train to mentor, right? You have to model a train to mentor, even though you're clicked if you go through that horrible childhood, to have the skills that you had, despite not having gone through the horrible because resilience is really important.

Bill Murphy  31:49  
Yeah. I missed that, that. I've missed that as that too. I mean, my kids probably have they could they could talk on this podcast for hours about dads mental health issues with, you know, yes, we are. So I had this conversation. I used to, like, be upset that once I realized this legacy piece and making a difference is so important. I said this to my dad, right? A few years ago, I said, I said, he just be I said, Dad, why did you do what you did? He says, because you're a difficult kid, which is tell him just a few short years ago that he hasn't figured it out yet. And then I said, I said, your tombstone, unfortunately, sadly, he's gonna say you're in pain, and the date you lived and died. And that's it. And so I think that's so important, when we don't realize that we can make a difference and like, and just like, particularly, take my parents together. And my mom just, we do a toy drive every single year of toys for tots, that through through our business. And I was at a Halloween party, a family party party yesterday. And she's like, Hey, I got a chock full of toys for the donation. So it's like, I want to give these toys for Toys for Tots, which is like, my mom is recognizing the legacy piece that she was a part of that suits you, like, build a one shopping at Walmart or whatever, grab the a trunk full of toys and wanted to donate just make a little bit of a difference. And that's like, you know, I mean, what a perfect time is, you know, we're going into a recession and going, you know, where it's the holiday season now. But like, just how can you just change one person's life a little bit every day? It's maybe it's maybe it's an extra smile, maybe holding the door a little bit longer than you would have? Would you see someone walking through, you know, just anything, just how can you make a difference?

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  33:35  
100%. And you know, those little smiles like pull the door not just like hold it and then the door hits the heel like, hold the door. You know, you've seen I've seen a lady that was holding the door like Hello, like, door with a smile. And they said and but you know, the fact that you have like the two parents and they're so contrasted, one gets it was growing and evolving and love the other one is done. And that tells us that even though you're growing everyone around, you may not necessarily grow. Those who have wronged you may not mature that emotional maturity, that introspection, they may not have that. And that's part of that letting go and forgiving, right? Because you think for crying out loud, Dad, you should have got it by now. But you know, it hasn't happened fully. And it is what it is that doesn't stop you from growing and being a better person.

Bill Murphy  34:27  
Yeah, yeah, you can't control it. You can't control it either. Just in control of control, and, and not worry about what anyone else is doing. Just make a difference yourself.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  34:36  
Exactly. You can control yourself and your response to situation. And you know, and we all know none of us are perfect. Like you said, we've we all have our struggles. Like I always tell people if as long as you have like a heart and a mind, you're gonna have a mental health challenge. At some point. Most people are actually in denial. But actually, mental health is the biggest disability in the world. And the people at some point will experience the challenge So, you know, we're not you're human. That's all it is.

Bill Murphy  35:04  
Yeah, I mean, I battled depression and I, because I was a guy's guy. And you know, just would be a darts athlete, and, you know, martial arts and everything else. I said, I don't have depression. I have anxiety. That's a nice way to sweep it under the rug.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  35:21  
100% it seems less like, I'm just a little worried. I'm hired. 

Bill Murphy  35:24  
Yeah. But I was I was in a, I would just plow through those folks. You know, like, oh, man, this is terrible. Get through this, you know, just plow through it. But but not not healing. So so that's where that's where we get into the thriving mentality. And just like I said, the easiest way to get out of any funk is to just identify blessings. And it will flip the switch and even into your stuff, rather than you said earlier. Write it down. Just write down your blessings every day. Gratitude Journal. That's in general, just wait thankful for this, to start the day. And I'm thankful for this to end the day, take you less than five minutes every day to do that.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  36:07  
Yeah, that gratitude, starting each day with gratitude and that positive intention. It's powerful. Now, I want to hear about your book, I definitely essential reading so do you mind sharing with the listeners about your book?

Bill Murphy  36:19  
Yeah, sure. So it's, it started with you are way more than I think you are capable of. And then it's also goes through the three mentalities, the victim mentality, the survival mentality, and we want to we want to get to the pinnacle of the thriving mentality and operate your talents. It's probably the parallel self actualization. It's hard to stay there. So that's the falling down piece and getting back up. And there's going to be there's going to be bigger storms, you know, at any given time, you know, a small storm may be, you know, just a bad day at work, a big storm, maybe a relationship breakup, you know, so there's, there's bigger storms, and what, what do you do with that adversity? And it's how quickly can you move through it identify, identify the feelings and emotions that you're going through, process them. But move, move, while identify?

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  37:12  
Yes. And you know, when you mentioned the storms, as you go on this timeline of life and learning, it's like storms are happening continuously, but you might not notice them? Because instead of being on a canoe or dinghy, you're on a cruise ship, right, it's a big impact difference, like the pandemic? Yeah, we're all on the same storm. But some people were on a like a raft. Other people are on like, a luxury cruise. Definitely different experience. Right. So Well, I really liked that. And how does this book not to spoil the book, but what's like the, what would you say the take home messages would be or who is this book for?

Bill Murphy  37:47  
I mean, it's for anybody that that has had a feeling of being stuck, or not feeling good enough. And it also just, it can complement any any goals you're setting. And just identifying new patterns, emanating identifying patterns, good and bad. Identify new habits that you may need to implement and eliminating habits that you have. And that could be just going right to your pantry right now taken out off all the cookies and chips. That could be, you know, just putting together a plan to get out there and get outdoors or walker, or the fitness plan or whatever, whatever finance, the finances plan, you know, I mean, it just I look at people's credit reports all the time. I'm like, jurors, you're spending money at 29% interest rate, and you're carrying a $30,000 debt that you're never gonna get out of, if you continue to operate that way. And do you really need to go to Starbucks every single day and spend, you know, $70 a week just to Starbucks, and then do you need to have, you know, your pizza and fast food every single day. And so like you look at some of budgeting, budgeting, just look at what people spend their money on. It's just like, eliminate that. Make your own coffee, eat healthier, make it at home, it's going to be way cheaper, and then show you that you start to develop some good habits as you will need some badass. I definitely talked about hardened, hardened, hardened your mindset. And so that's that's kind of what what am I favorite, David Goggins.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  39:23  
Oh, yeah. They they abuse them and my food and all that trauma.

Bill Murphy  39:27  
Trauma. Yeah. He talks about callus in your mind. So I kind of have similar a similar process, which is harden your mindset. And that's just, I say build your fortress every day. And that's, that's your morning routine. But you can't you can't overlook your evening routine and building your fortress starts with, you know, the gratitude in the morning and getting up earlier than everybody else and getting a good night's good night's sleep and journaling a little bit. Getting your workout in. Now if you're not a morning workout person, make sure you do it. I mean, I have different powers. And so yeah, I'm a morning person, so I have to get my work done. But do something where you're moving them. Or maybe it's maybe it's meditation, maybe it's yoga, whatever, just produce, make that part of your routine, because then when stuff starts to happen during the day, the mini storms that come at you now you're in a great place, mentally, to get through it as if you woke up late, hit snooze five times. And now you're, you're, you're running late, you didn't get all your emails done. You didn't, you didn't finish some work projects, the kids are late for school, whatever, and you're just scrambling around. Now a little storm hits and you're like, Oh, my God, I can't release this is crazy. What a bad day, I'm gonna quit the day I'm done. You know, just but if you start your day off in a healthier fashion, earlier, it's planned. It's it's structured. You got the endorphins going, because you have the meditation, you had the Yoga, you had the workout, you had the journaling, or whatever. Now when that little storm hits you like, I'm gonna breathe, I'm composed. I got this and get through it. But if you're already rattled, when that storm hits, it's so much easier to quit the day. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  41:06  
100% You got to have anchors, right? That's basically what you're saying? Anchor of gratitude. That anchor of self care.

Bill Murphy  41:14  
I love that, anchors. Yeah. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  41:15  
Yeah. Wow, this has been an amazing conversation. This is a topic that is dear to me. And I can relate to many of your stories. So for our listeners are like, okay, you know, I really like this conversation. Where can we continue? How can they hear more from you if they want to connect with you find more about your book? How do listeners get a hold of you?

Bill Murphy  41:32  
Yeah, for thriving in stone.com. Has a lot of our podcasts has some articles, I've written some blogs, the book information, there's a there's a there's a downloadable journal. And there's a download download workbook that takes the exercises from the book and puts them in place for you to work on some of the things we just talked about. Like I practice these things that we're talking about. This is not fluff. And I do have I do have bad days. I ran a little bit extra today just to get some more dopamine and endorphins going because a little bit of a rough morning, so I had to kind of fix it. And that's, that's what you gotta do. You gotta live that way. It's kind of like a little bit of a fault. You know? You said that's Dr. Nice, you know?

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  42:14  
Exactly. 

Bill Murphy  42:14  
That's a little bit. Let's get back up. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  42:16  
Oh, yeah, let's make stuff happen. Awesome. I love it. Wow, Bill, this has been fabulous listeners. Again, thank you for sharing this time with us. We appreciate it. And I will have their contact information in the show notes so our listeners can check it out at their convenience. We'll say thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being vulnerable, and showing that you're not people that haven't great on the outside. You know what, there's a story in between. There's a struggle and it's real, but we keep it real because we're all about sharing and legacy and just making something beautiful from all that stuff that we put aside that baggage.

Bill Murphy  42:52  
Thanks for having me. It's been a pleasure.

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  42:55  
My pleasure. Have a great day. You know, grow your children. Enjoy your family. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. 

Bill Murphy  43:02  
You too. 

Dr. Tomi Mitchell  43:03  
Thank you. Bye!

Transcribed by https://otter.ai