Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

241. Finding Love Again After Divorce: Laurie Gerber on Healing, Dating Tactics, and the 3H Method

• My Coach Dawn • Season 4 • Episode 241

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What if the real reason you’re struggling with dating after divorce isn’t apps, bad luck, or a lack of available partners—but a hidden disbelief in love itself?

If you’ve found yourself swiping endlessly, feeling exhausted by the dating scene, or doubting that real love is out there for you (especially if you’re a woman over 40 or 50), this episode will hit close to home. Too many divorced women get caught in a cycle of self-sabotage, without realizing the biggest block isn’t “no good men”—it’s their own unexamined beliefs and unresolved wounds.

In this conversation with renowned life coach Laurie Gerber, you’ll discover:

  • The “3H Method” to honestly assess your desires (head, heart, and hoo-ha!) so you stop settling and start attracting real matches.
  • Why pausing to do your inner work will actually accelerate finding meaningful love—and how to detox from your past relationship patterns for good.
  • Tactical dating strategies for women with children, including how to talk to your kids and protect your own boundaries (without guilt or self-sacrifice).

Don’t let invisible beliefs hold you back or waste more time—press play now to learn how to clear your biggest obstacles and finally create the love story you truly desire!

Find Laurie's Free Webinar Here

Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling

Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com

A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go. 

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Click HERE To Attend Somatic Workshop For Releasing 'What Could've Been'

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Speaker 1:

Ladies, we are blessed because today we have with us Lori Gerber, and she is literally one of the most engaging and effective life coaches. She has appeared on the Today Show, dr Phil, mtv, a&e. She has been the resident love expert at Match, zoosk, j-date many more. She is the expert we have been waiting for here on Dear Divorce Diary. She lives in NYC, she loves to meditate, jog. She's got three beautiful children, whom she jokes that you know. In her spare time she attempts to get cuddles from them. She has been married for 26 years.

Speaker 1:

She is bringing us her wisdom today. We are going to talk about your beliefs, the way you self-sabotage dating. We are going to talk about dating preparation tactical way you self-sabotage dating. We are going to talk about dating preparation tactical strategies, and she is going to share with us some bold truths and the wisdom of her experience. Hi love. Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence. I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee. Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.

Speaker 2:

Lori, welcome. Ta-da, ta-da.

Speaker 1:

So you tell them your version of how we met and a little bit of your backstory.

Speaker 2:

Oh, just totally synchronicity magic Right. These people believe in that right that they do. We have a common professional connection that decided that we should all be in cahoots to create content for the world. Cahoots, cahoots. We got cahooted and you and I took one look over the zoom cameras and said we are meant to be together. And now here we are collaborating on our first content effort. And my backstory is I've been in the coaching biz for over 20 years and before life coaching was a thing and certainly it was embarrassing to even say I did it. That was my original thought about life coaching, but I so loved the hand out method, which is the method I teach okay, that I could not help myself. I needed to teach it to the world. It was originally developed at MIT and Stanford. It it's. It feeds my need for academic and also spiritual backing. I know you relate to that. You like things that are heavily scientifically proven as well as spiritually proven Also, that's right, right.

Speaker 2:

So I fell in love with that method and I have been teaching it since. I learned it in my own life when I was having my near divorce experience about 20 years ago. I've been using it since and I use it every day and it keeps working and it keeps being a pleasure and a privilege and an honor to teach it to other people. And in midlife I went off on my own. I still licensed that method, but I went off on my own, and when I was asking myself, what do I most want to focus on? Women over 50 is what came to me, and so then that women over 50 and all things love have become my favorite focus. So that's my backstory up to today.

Speaker 1:

So I'm sure it's going to come out at some point in our interview. But you and I were in a different meeting with you know, our cahooted group of people the other day. I just love like this was like if someone asked me what was the moment. You knew you and Lori were perfect together. You know we were talking about what roadblocks women right? And you said they don't believe in love and I said that's it. But they don't know that that's it.

Speaker 2:

And you said no, they don't know they think that they just where are the men?

Speaker 1:

I don't know where to find the men right? But it's actually at its core women don't believe in love actually at its core. Women don't believe in love. Can we start there?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and it's so funny, it's like fear. You know, nobody ever just says oh, I'm afraid we just have all of these, oh, I'm busy, you know oh I have to blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2:

Oh, my kids need blah, blah, blah, or it's the same thing. Right, we don't go. I don't believe in love. Who would ever admit that? Right, we just go. There's no men here. There's no men, I don't know. It's too hard, it's so depressing. I'll get scammed, you know, and on and on. So I have given my life to articulating and breaking down the obstacles that people have to believing in love. So far I have 34 on the list, but don't worry not everyone has all 34.

Speaker 2:

People only have 10 to 15 of them, and I have answers. I have answers for those obstacles. Okay so Some of them are tactical answers, some are spiritual answers, some are-.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, wow. So you have compiled a list of 34 potential sabotaging roadblocks that women have to finding love.

Speaker 2:

34, yes how many do you? Think we'll cover today let's count at the end. Okay, let's see how we do. We that's a that's. I don't have a particular agenda, but I'm gonna pull up the list so we can clarify how many we covered um yeah, so that that we can, at the end we can do a sweep and see how we did. Where shall we begin?

Speaker 1:

Let's begin with what questions should a woman be asking herself before she swipes right or agrees to date right? What questions should a woman be asking herself?

Speaker 2:

degrees to date. Right, what questions should a woman be asking herself? Let's start with the notion that the reason people don't believe in love is because they've never really gone for what they actually want. So in the hand, in the hand-on method, we break it down into head, heart and hoo-ha. There are three, three voters, three H's Head is the practical voter, heart is the one that cares about how you feel and hoo-ha is the chemistry vote constituency right and so those are the three voices everybody has.

Speaker 2:

Now. Mind you, we have those voices when it comes to picking a doctor, picking a place to live, picking a best friend, picking a dress at a store. There, there's always the practical how it feels and does it turn you on? How attractive is it to you? What's the chemistry like? So we start by just understanding that in your history you have not attempted to find an eight out of 10 on all three ages.

Speaker 2:

You have thought, wow, right, if it's a nine out of 10 in hoo-ha, you're not going to get a nine out of 10 in head.

Speaker 1:

If it's a nine out of 10 in head.

Speaker 2:

You know you're not going to get a nine out of 10 in hoo-ha. If your heart is high, usually your head is has to be low, right. So we just keep compromising. We don't ever even conceive of manifest believe in the whole thing. So we keep being right, that it's not possible, doesn't exist, we're not even looking for him. And then we hold that against ourselves, we hold it against men, we hold it against society, we hold it against all the things. So so the question you should be asking yourself before you swipe is what do you want in those three areas? I also have a quiz. I have a quiz on my website five minute quiz.

Speaker 1:

Okay, are you ready? Are you ready? Are you ready? I love that. So I love a good quiz, especially when it's coming from a professional I know, like and trust. So yes, we will absolutely put that quiz link in the show notes.

Speaker 2:

Must have so the first question is am I ready? And the second and that has multiple answers on multiple levels and then the second question is what do I actually want in all three ages? Yeah, and then I mean for divorced women. I think we're also asking like are my kids ready? I think that's honestly a question, absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

But what is just? It's like in neon, like do I even believe that I can get an eight out of a 10 in a head, a heart and a hoo-ha, I would guess most of us it's just in all bold caps, italics, you name it are going to say no, that does not exist. And if it does, it's already taken. And if it's not taken, it's how am I going to find it? It's not going to find me. Like, right there, boom, the reticular activating system is programmed to say like this is impossible for me, so we're settling. Yeah, wow, yeah, not necessary. So now to all the women who are already swiping and they've just heard that they're not ready, what do you tell?

Speaker 2:

them. You can take a pause. That's what's so beautiful, especially if you're on your second go around. Maybe you've already had your kids, you can just go. Hey, there's no rush here. Everything I do to quote get ready is for me, my own evolution, my own development anyway. So this is not a waste of time, this is not a detour. This is the road towards the dream. And think of the heartache. You're saving yourself, the wasted time.

Speaker 1:

You're saving yourself the fatigue that you're saving yourself If you take a little pause and do your own work, a little work, yeah, so this is where we get into some of the existential or spiritual issues, right, because then if I'm going to take a pause from dating and let's say, I'm getting really lonely or I'm doubting, right, what's possible for me, and now it's hard, right, now I'm saying it's, I'm lonely, this is hard, but when? When can I finally have this companion, right? So what do you say to women when they're in the work? Right, they're pausing dating, but they're feeling bogged down in it and a little hopeless, helpless, am.

Speaker 2:

I saying that right do you think?

Speaker 2:

Well, I think when you pause to do your work, if you really are doing your work, it's not a lonely moment.

Speaker 2:

I also I coach women in groups, which and it's really fun to coach women in groups because they are in three stages. The first stage is on the bench, which I think is such an important part of being on a team that has a goal. If you want to get to the World Series, you're going to spend time on the bench watching the game, to learn the game, to understand the game, and then also, when it's not your turn up at bat, to watch how other people play and how the game unfolds. So on the bench is very, very critical learning moment. Then there's in the game, where you're sporting and if you're doing it right, you are, are very active. You would not be lonely because you would be engaged, per my instructions, with meeting new people. So that would not be a lonely stage. And then there's early dating, where you are seeing if this person might truly be a three-h match for you and vice versa also not a lonely stage.

Speaker 2:

So the only lonely stage is on the bench, and I like doing on the bench as a group personally because, because of the cross yeah, and the cross pollination, and also because sometimes the women go from two and three, they go from on the hunt or in an early relationship, back to the bench. So everybody's circulating around as we learn and grow and we all know, by the way you could find the love of your life. I'm sorry to say this, but then he Right Like so nobody gets the ticket off of the ride around around these stages for sure. Maybe you do Hope. You do Hope you die first.

Speaker 1:

But I don't know about you, laurie, but I actively manifest the way I'm going to die, and I'm definitely going to die first, Like I've already decided that a long time ago.

Speaker 2:

So there's that that's so interesting. I'm dying second, oh, but I think that's because I'm like okay with dating, but like in my nineties, right?

Speaker 1:

No, I may even want to push late into. I might even cross into the hundreds, right, I don't know. I got a lot of. I've got a lot to do, Lori.

Speaker 2:

I don't. My husband really only wants to live to like low 90s. I've convinced him to low 90s. Good job, you know, but I'm good. I'm good with 100, I'm good with 100 and my coach is trying to push me more than 100, but I'm just like, yeah, I'm not that into it, but we'll see. We'll see anyway, but that I'm sure this was not the point well, I don't know maybe I think the point is we can manifest whatever the crap we want, right.

Speaker 1:

So, but you know, as you were talking about the three stages of dating and the way you conceptualize it, I was feeling physical, like somatic relief on behalf of our listeners. Like, wow, I didn't even know I was carrying that much tension on their behalf about the dating process. All of a sudden there was this clarity and there was this structure and there was this wow.

Speaker 2:

You always have your girlfriends and I'm sorry but again, since we generally live longer, you can't be sacrificing that. You have your girlfriends, you have your relationship to yourself, you have your spirituality. You have all of these wonderful things in your life. You are not alone, and if you are bored and you need entertainment, you would want to fill that up with spirituality, learning and whatever goals and mission and dream you have, because that's a very attractive way to be, whereas obviously, feeling needy slash, lonely, slash, hopeless is not an attractive vibration to be in. So you do have to work on your own vibration.

Speaker 1:

That's right. And becoming a vibrational match for the eight out of a 10 in the three different zones. Correct, preach, preach. Okay, let's talk a little bit about dating with kids. Right? Like some of the boundaries around dating with kids, what would you say to our listeners?

Speaker 2:

some of the boundaries around dating with kids. What would you say to our listeners? Okay, so there's two camps when it comes to dating with kids. There's people who are selfish and overdo it and forsake their kids, and they get punished by their kids for doing that. And then there's the chickens that are scared to be vulnerable, scared period. And then they blame their kids for why they can't date. Uh-huh, I see, have you have you experienced this gamma?

Speaker 1:

Yes, I'm like sort of analyzing right, and I was going to say and there are shades in between there. Yeah, All the shades.

Speaker 2:

I'm just, I'm just pointing, I'm just telling you there's two, two extremes, and you would find yourself somewhere in there, preferably the other.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, perhaps, or perhaps right in the middle, which is great, which is and this is what I always try to impress upon my clients the thing your child needs most. Actually, there's three things I think a child needs most. Tell me, if you agree. Number one unconditional love. Number two to be known, to be seen and known. I want to know who you specifically are. I'm curious about who you are. You do not have to grow up to be like who I want you to be. I want to know who you are. And then, third is an example of a happy human and a role model, an aspiration, something to look at and go. I would be okay if that was my future. And that is in regard to health, in regard to love, and in regard to career or contribution or whatever you do with your time. I believe if a child has one human that supplies that mother, father, grandparent, guardian, pastor, whatever they can grow up healthy and happy.

Speaker 1:

They have a good framework. That's right. I think you said some really beautiful things there. I mean unconditional love, right. I think we lose track of what that is because we so many of us our age at least right grew up where we had parents who withdrew, like they removed right, like love, affection, as part of their own emotional regulation skills, you know, and so they didn't abide in the hard times. And so I think that for many of us we've had to learn and we've, you know, had to unconditionally love through hard times. I also think so many people miss what you said about an example of a happy human, and that doesn't just mean happily in a relationship, but it means like, do you know how to find happiness outside of eating something, watching something, consuming something, buying something? Like, do you know how to find joy outside of consuming something? And I don't think we realize how, how deeply important that is to be able to model for our children. It's, it's a lost skill, I think, in a modern world.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's really, really, and just to tie it back, the point is that if you withhold from doing the work to love yourself and doing the work to find the next love of your life, I don't think you do the service to your kids Right. However, the child needs to feel that they are not in competition with that person, so the child needs to feel that they have the whole of what they need before there is now excess for you to give to someone else, where more love equals more love, not more love equals less love for them.

Speaker 1:

That is it right there? Yes, beautiful. So I want to go on this little tangent just to hear your thoughts, the wisdom of your experience. But so many women are really humming along on their healing journey and I watch them doing just this beautiful work and then they get derailed when they watch their ex start dating and introduce someone to their kids. Do you have any observations there on how you've seen that impact children, or just like, what are your thoughts there?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, Well, one of the obstacles, one of the um. List of 34 is that you is that you have not thoroughly detoxed your divorce or your last relationship or a relationship, and so it's still present in your field and disallowing it, like the spots not open for the love of your life, because it's filled with memories and hauntings, and you know preoccupation with what you occupation with that, like you're still in a relationship with the idea of that person or that person.

Speaker 2:

So I take my clients through a detox, just like you detox from anything that's hurting you or stopping you. It's not that comfortable, but it takes time, but it's good and in the end you feel much better. But there's to get over and it does have to do with two things. One is removing the triggers, obviously to the greatest extent that you can, and the other is learning to tell the story of your divorce so that it adds up, which you're also going to need in dating anyway. Yes, so it needs to be what you're responsible for, what you think they're responsible for, what you're sorry about, what you think they should be sorry about. It needs to have a balanced story which is very healing for the children too.

Speaker 1:

Can you give us an example of that right, like maybe a client you've worked with or just something really that stands out to you about someone reaching for this balanced story right and we talk so much about needing to own our part in our healing journey and really start connecting the dots. You know what stands out to you there.

Speaker 2:

Let me just say you know a couple of the most common causes of divorce One person cheats and the other person can't forgive it. That's a very common reason that people get divorced, and that's a whole explanation right.

Speaker 2:

This person, for whatever reason than their upbringing and their personality type, didn't honor a commitment they made and I and I couldn't forgive it, or or or they couldn't forgive it, and that's what happened. So we were once aligned. Then a thing happened. We and we couldn't get over it, or could be. We started out having some common values, but one of our values changed and it became it became irreconcilable.

Speaker 2:

So, for example, maybe we were both sober, we went into the relationship, really committed to our sobriety, and one partner decided they wanted to go back to using whatever the thing was. And so now kids or next lover or whatever, that was no longer. That could no longer work for me, given my life goals or visions. Or it could be something like we didn't pay attention to our marriage for 10, 15 years and, bit by bit, slowly by slowly, all the love we had dissipated and disappeared. We didn't. We stopped having sex, we didn't put in the work, we didn't grow closer together, we didn't spend regular time together, we didn't seek to understand each other and by the time we realized it was too late and we were too far apart. We decided not to try to build that back up again.

Speaker 1:

We decided to move on and try again. Yeah, really good. That's seeking to understand, right. It comes up over and over again with kids, with self, with partners. That's seeking to understand like, who are you, who am I? It's such a key to all relationships and it's shown up in every layer of our conversation so far today.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you asked me also about how kids. You know how it affects kids and I think you know we all know the cliche that kids blame themselves for their parents divorce. I mean, it's like the oldest one in the book and I do believe it helps a kid if they actually know why their parents got divorced so they don't make that up oh, and so I think that's the thing that people really struggle with is how to tell their kids why, without without like torching their ex right, without really like it's a fine art.

Speaker 2:

I'm literally going back and forth with a woman right now who I finally got to divorce her partner. It was a long time coming and I finally got her the courage to do it. And now she's writing the letter to her two sons who are, you know, tween, teenage, and we're writing and rewriting, and rewriting, because in every rewrite she's less the victim and more the author more balance, more balance, more balance and I'm not letting her send it until I as the kid and go.

Speaker 2:

It's empowering, okay, I have. I still have two parents. Do I want to align myself with this parent's traits or that parent's traits?

Speaker 1:

but I'm gonna figure that out. Family goes that smoothly. What about the ex who just blurts something out and is like you know, just share some crap and is like I'm out, like that, that's so hard?

Speaker 2:

you mean for the remaining partner, for the kids? For the both both yeah so if you have, if you chose married and procreated with somebody who is capable of that level of dysfunction dysfunction, chaos, surprise, inconsistency, whatever you chose that. So there's where you're responsible and sorry to your child and there's where they are responsible and should be sorry. They may not be able to narcissists traditionally, don't apologize and anywhere upon that spectrum, but your. I believe the child picks the parents.

Speaker 2:

I believe I do too that child has their own journey and that child, even if they're five years old, but certainly if they're tweens or teens, has to figure out their relationship with each parent themselves as an individual to that parent. And so you do not do any service to your child by telling your child what that relationship should be or trying to control that relationship, but you do them a service if they have one stable parent who is grounded and not blaming and not chaotic and not a victim, but who can tell a balanced story.

Speaker 1:

That's right and it's modeling how to be on that empowered spiritual journey, right when I can take pain and I can turn it into purpose, and none of that is none of this that we're walking through is going to take me out. It may hurt.

Speaker 2:

And it doesn't. It doesn't mean lie, right Like in this woman's letter. It's like I wish dad and I had divided the labor more equally. I wish dad, I wish dad handled it to do list more like I do. I wish your grandma and grandpa on dad's side were more involved. Right Like you can wish something was different without maligning your kid's father. Yeah, I love that. They're stuck with that guy, and so are you, that's right.

Speaker 1:

That's right. So how are we going to make the best of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Can we talk a little like tactical? What would you? What do you? Where do you start to see the tactical stuff get implemented in your three phases? Right, is it in the middle phase or the third phase?

Speaker 2:

I have. I have so many tactics, but most of my tactics are in that middle phase, okay, where we do what's called a 3-H chart. So, oh, it's so nerdy, You'd love it. Dawn, a 3-H.

Speaker 1:

It's a spreadsheet.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's a spreadsheet.

Speaker 1:

Your charts give me peace. I didn't even know I needed them.

Speaker 2:

So many charts. I have so many charts.

Speaker 1:

I give you a spreadsheet with multiple tabs. I mean it's not for everyone, okay, but I will tell you. I would need to take your spreadsheet and I would need to. If you could see, like the back of my, behind my camera, here you would see like all these like colored, handwritten things. I would need to turn your spreadsheet into something I could hang on my refrigerator.

Speaker 2:

I love it. Do you want me to share my screen and show you what? It looks like let's look at it. Okay, give me permission. Okay, I did, you got it okay so this so this, thank you. So this is first of all. This is the the sweep checklist of the 34 obstacles okay, oh, but I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, just yep, you're gonna have to work for that, but um, but this is the three eight. So this is a 3h chart and you'd'd be, like okay, geographically.

Speaker 1:

Oh, the head heart, hoo-ha yeah.

Speaker 2:

And then heart would be like makes me laugh, and then hoo-ha would be like I like his face, you know, like this, and you literally fill that out, Okay, and you get your template?

Speaker 1:

Where do we put I like his shoes? Does that go in head or heart, or hoo-ha?

Speaker 2:

I like his shoes. Does that go in head or heart, or hoo-ha, I like his shoes. Well, what do you think? Is it about how it makes you feel?

Speaker 1:

or is it turn on?

Speaker 2:

it's both, it's more than one, then you can pick I could put it in more than one you or just pick the one you want to put it in right it's not, it doesn't matter so long as you're managing all three and then you're turning bold. You make the deal breakers bold, okay and then. So then, when you're shopping, when you're online or someone's introducing you to somebody, or you're out at a bar or you're in a restaurant. You're always scanning for your 3-H criteria with the understanding of course that sometimes there's a wild card.

Speaker 2:

Sometimes you didn't think you could like a short guy, but lo and behold, the swagger makes up for the height, okay, for example. Sometimes you didn't think you could like a short guy, but lo and behold, the swagger makes up for the height. Okay, for example, right, or you didn't think you could like someone of a different political party or a different hair color than you thought you liked, and lo and behold, they surprise you. So there's a little bit of wiggle.

Speaker 1:

Wiggle room Buffer but.

Speaker 2:

I really try to get people to define their three H chart with as little bias as possible. So instead of saying tall and muscular, it would be I feel safe in his arms or I'm.

Speaker 1:

Or I'm attracted or there's great chemistry, because that when you describe it that way, it leaves space for it to be not exactly like exactly the thing. And I think that's so powerful, if I could get in the weeds for a moment right here. Right, because when we're talking about manifesting and believing, an eight out of a 10 exists in all three H's. I think it depends on whether, in human design, you're a specific or non-specific manifester too. So there's that, right, but I feel safe in his arms. Like, do you believe that there is somebody out there, whether or not he's exactly this height and exactly this build, where you can feel safe in his arms? I think that makes it easier to say yes, I believe that is possible.

Speaker 1:

And so I think, it's amazing the way you help women define it, because then it becomes more tangible from a manifestation, from a visualization perspective or from a belief perspective.

Speaker 2:

That's the whole point, right? The whole point is believing in love. Back to my original case, right? And if you think love means six foot tall, six figures, six abs, unfortunately you are shooting yourself in the foot if that's what you believe in love to mean. So just the activity, the tactic of creating that chart forces your brain. And so not only do you figure out that the things that you want are more universal and more have, and so not only do you figure out that you actually the things that you want are more universal and more haveable, but sometimes you even figure out that you don't even want that Like. Sometimes I can't tell you how many times I read a 3-H chart and I say to the woman are you, are you looking for a best friend, or are you looking for the love, the next love of your life?

Speaker 2:

That's a man, right, that's a man that's right like, because you don't need him to like art museums, you don't need him to yeah, you know, love long walks on the beach. You really don't.

Speaker 2:

That's for your girlfriends and that's such a relief because and all I have to do, even just when it comes down to money, because so many women are hung up on how much money they have I have to ask why, why? Why right? Until I get to the heart of it and no two women are the same as to the why right? And everyone thinks what they're saying is so obvious and universal. Like well, because you know, because what? Because I want to feel met, because I want, I don't want to pay for vacation. Like why?

Speaker 2:

So, when you get to the real. Why? Why, it's way easier to believe in love and then it's way easier to manifest the person. But as for tactics I could do a whole hour on it uh, there are specific questions to ask on each of the first three dates. You only get three dates to get the person to eight or above. In all, three h's, or else, wow, they're out. So it's very, it's very rigorous, it's very rigorous, very nerdy and it's very rigorous this is magical.

Speaker 1:

I'm not saying I want to get divorced or remarried again just so I can go through your process, but it's very cool.

Speaker 2:

I would have hired you in an instant well, if you ever want to use it to move or change careers or buy an outfit, it works.

Speaker 1:

It works. I'm going to have to do that, right, okay. So you said there's a handful of questions in the first three dates. You got to get them to eight out of a 10 in the first three dates, okay. And then it's like cut it If it's not an eight out of 10 in three dates. That's it Moving on Right Right. Eight out of ten and three dates that's it moving on right right now, don't you? Yeah, most women will have had to do so much love to fall in love, so much work to fall in love with themselves before they can tolerate that right three dates and cut it, because we're so used to negotiating like well it is so hard.

Speaker 2:

I swear having this group of women do it together makes it way easier, because we peer pressure each other not to sell out, instead of peer pressure each other to sell out. So it's very helpful to have a team on board behind you and be talking to your community. You know, if you're not in group coaching or you don't have an accountability thing with a coach or a therapist or a friend, you need you need to be talking about someone, yeah, someone where does?

Speaker 1:

where does sex fall in that? Like you must like do you have a recommendation or recommended policy on sex?

Speaker 2:

I do, yeah, I do it's and it's complicated okay if I can. Let's get chart. There's charts, still ebooks okay. So if you're looking for the love of your life, serious, long-term partner, I do not recommend having sex unless you are committed to one another monogamously. That does not mean you're on track to be married, it just means you're not currently dating with on dating sites or having sex with somebody else. Yeah, and the reason is it's chemical, right, we just we get attached when we have sex.

Speaker 1:

It's hormones, it's a thing that's right. Men don't have the same thing, so it just is more disadvantageous for us to do that.

Speaker 2:

So it's a way to protect your heart and to protect you also from over-investing in something that isn't headed towards eight or above at all.

Speaker 1:

That's the thing, right, cause it starts to get muddy for us as women. Once we've had sex, we're no longer discerning as effectively it's just not available to us chemically.

Speaker 2:

Right. And speaking of discernment, I don't recommend you drink in the first three dates either. Anything that hampers your presence and your judgment.

Speaker 1:

So no CBD gummy, no drink, no.

Speaker 2:

I recommend you have as absolute full presence as you can muster, because you need to be so intentional to date in this way, and the alternative is you date unintentionally and you end up wasting time and getting exhausted and getting more cynical, which then can kill the whole thing or make you lose years. So you know, I always tell people like you don't have to do it this way, I'm just trying to save you time, money and mascara, heartache and fatigue and all of that. So this is not a, this is a nice to have, not a need to have, yeah, but it's a really nice to have if you're getting tired or hopeless and you really want that last love of your life. So anyway, all three H's eight or above. First, before you even think about monogamy number one, number two you both want the same thing. In other words, you're both headed towards long-term, committed or purposely being casual and having fun and learning Cool, as long as you're both in the same place. Three, you can talk about sexual health If you're not comfortable talking about sexual health.

Speaker 1:

You're not comfortable talking about sexual health that one's so important. Do you find that people talk enough about that? Like, if we can't have a conversation right about people get drunk and hook up, that's it right. And it's like if we can't talk about sexual health history like man, how could we be compatible or know if we're compatible, or work through hard things together, be vulnerable or intimate? Like, how do we equate sexual intimacy more than we equate this conversational intimacy about hard things?

Speaker 2:

it's yeah well, it's a shortcut, you know? Yeah, it's a shortcut and sorry, let's see off of a steep cliff Right. It's a not very brilliant shortcut, yeah yeah, it's a not very brilliant shortcut.

Speaker 1:

I have a sexy space. Oh, go ahead, Go, go go.

Speaker 2:

Wait, let me just, because there's five things oh sorry. There's all three H's that I did or above. You both want the same thing. You can talk about sexual health.

Speaker 1:

You can talk about sex, yeah I want this I don't want this, I like this, I don't like that, whatever, yes and you're comfortable enough so that comfortable it's good.

Speaker 2:

You want it to be good.

Speaker 1:

If you're gonna be comfortable, doesn't have to mean you don't feel any discomfort having a conversation, but comfortable enough to have it and not completely dissociate.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, right, and which just also means that if it's not good, for whatever reason, it doesn't pull you apart it you. You have the tools, you proven, you have the communication tools to make it through. And then then you go listen, I'm the kind of girl who really needs a commitment to feel like I can open up sexually and, in that, on that level of intimacy. So I'm not comfortable having sex until we're exclusive. Where are you on that Right? And then he goes oh, I'm not ready to be exclusive. Or he goes, oh, let's be exclusive.

Speaker 2:

And then she goes well, I'm going to have four steps for establishing monogamy. It's a different ebook, you know great. So we'll, you know, we'll, we'll come off the sites. We'll, you know, we'll just focus on each other for now, and then we'll reassess in a little bit. And then the next day you follow up and you go oh, it's so exciting that we're practicing exclusivity and taking ourselves off the sites. I this is making me horny just to get it in writing with a time stamp, that we've now agreed to be exclusive wow brings receipts.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that's right, okay, sometimes people need to be reminded.

Speaker 2:

What they committed to. That's fair, fair Accountability, accountability, yeah it goes a long way.

Speaker 1:

I do think accountability is so much of what's missing for us with ourselves, for us with any goal that we have in life. Right, we love the idea of manifesting, but very rarely do we understand that true manifestational processes require commitment, consistency and accountability, because we all get tired or sidetracked or shiny object syndrome or whatever the f it is right and, yeah, accountability is just yeah, we don't believe, we don't believe if we don't do the right thing, right, that's the problem.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, doing the right thing is the placebo, but placebos work, that's right that's right.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I have this sexy, spicy question that's gonna piss all the people off what I like you what's the one thing or the things, the things right you see women doing to quote, unquote, air quotes, air quotes for anyone who can't see us prove they're healed in order to like convince themselves they can start dating, but it backfires. It backfires when they're dating such an obnoxious answer.

Speaker 2:

I was ayahuasca sorry, um well, can we right microdosing let me, let me, I'm joking, but what I mean is pretending you've done the work when you haven't, or spiritual bypassing, or just just wishing you did right because you want the quick fix to fix the loneliness. But you haven't really gone back and and done your history, done your inventory. What, what mistakes have I been making in relationships? What have I been accepting that I don't really accept? What is, what is the learning, what is the truth and how I hold myself to account not to repeat that pattern, because otherwise there's no way your subconscious is on board with a new program. That's it. So if you don't do the work to un to illuminate what is in your subconscious, then flip it around and prove a new thing. True, it does not matter how many good actions you take, nope?

Speaker 1:

because that, right, because the mind is so tricky and we believe it's garbage and yeah, yeah. So how do you see that show up? Like then people are there, you know, accepting things that are less than an eight out of 10, like they're getting ghosted. Their quality of the people they're choosing isn't there. They're getting dating fatigue, like they're back to there's no good men out there, right? All the negative beliefs are popped back to the there's no good men out there, right. All the negative beliefs are popped back to the top, like all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2:

I think the most prevalent thing I see is just making the same mistakes over and over again in different versions, and not and being surprised, right, and just being surprised, right. So you could think a haircut changed everything. You could think a diet changed everything. You could think a therapy changed everything. You could think a diet changed everything. You could think a therapy session changed everything. You could think things are different now. Or I'm divorced, it should all be different now. My kids are out of the house, it should all be different now. But again, it's 34 things, right, it's not infinite. I don't actually think it's infinite, right? I think once you handle the 34 things now, it's a numbers game and it's fun, but it's 34 things. So if you're just like sweeping 17 of them under the rug, they're gonna bite you in the ass and that's if you don't know what they are, then you're gonna be, you're gonna be like what you know.

Speaker 1:

So I want to be a good steward of our time, but now I've got this other burning desire to ask you about. So, stdsds, right, it's a very real thing. In a modern world and I've heard you talk about before that there are some niche sites and that kind of thing. Right Now I have found homeopathically that even for the ones that are allegedly incurable, homeopathy can spin out that viral load so that you can end up with a negative test.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I have a referral for you, okay.

Speaker 1:

Okay, but do you have a spreadsheet to help women manage that part when there's an STD and all the shame and the conversations and the things that does not?

Speaker 2:

require a spreadsheet, but that does require practice and it does require what I would call I call well, the hand-drawn method calls it unraveling your personal history. So most people there's a spiritual story in the story where they contracted the thing that needs to get sorted through and unraveled, and then there needs to be a thorough expose of the subconscious beliefs in regards to it and then what I would call a talk back, and for most of my women there's a lot of disclosing to demystify and move it through. But it is one of the men are not as hung up, but I have met many women who take themselves off the market because of it. They do?

Speaker 1:

they just can't tolerate. My heart, that's right.

Speaker 2:

They just can't tolerate the level of it's and it's such a shame. The shame is such a shame because the shame that's so yes, so common, yes, so common. And for everybody who knows, they have it, there's two more that don't know they have it and it's like I'm just like when will? Be the day when nobody knows what race you are or what that's like I know. When, every when, everyone has a little of everything, so we can stop stigmatizing each other, but the shame is so debilitating for women.

Speaker 1:

It's true, it is, it is.

Speaker 2:

But I mean, that is, that is a PR number and a half like wow. Anyway, again I could do a whole hour on herpes.

Speaker 1:

There is a solution, though. There Again, I could do a whole hour on herpes. There is a solution, though. There's a I have the solution.

Speaker 2:

I'm not the only one I love that it exists.

Speaker 1:

I love that so much. Yeah, okay, okay, you are known for honesty and boldness and this conversation has been so refreshing because, like, can we seriously be professionally hitched? You know like we think so. Similarly, I'm less spreadsheets, but you're the yin to my yang or the yang to my, whatever. Anyways, carry on, dawn. What is one unpopular opinion you have about modern dating that people don't like to hear? But they need to hear it, and it can't be the one we've already talked about that they don't believe in love, right? Different?

Speaker 2:

one People really think they can not do their trauma healing and still find healthy love yeah and I have not found that to be true. No, I've not found that to be true. I have found it to be true that one is being held for ransom by the other yes, and that's a whole episode in and of itself.

Speaker 1:

We should make a note of that right, because I think in a world of like Instagram influencing, sometimes we look at the way something looks and we think like, oh, they didn't they, they did it, they did it. And even my lead coach, coach Tiffany, bless her, she, she talks openly that, okay, she found her partner and they had a great potential, but then she had to go back and clean a lot of crap up, otherwise she would have been hostage right Like yeah, yes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I do think it's rigged that you're supposed to do your trauma healing, especially if you're alive in this era. Yes, as a woman, you know the design of the system.

Speaker 1:

I think that the system was supposed to be that men and women come together and, you know, subconsciously provoke the wound so that we can heal it together. And yes, yes, agreed.

Speaker 2:

Okay, the funny answer to your question about unpopular opinions is it's just because it doesn't sound feminist of me, but your pictures really freaking matter, your picture, you, just you have to get over it.

Speaker 1:

You have to get over whatever you think about vanity or yeah, like that 15 pounds you want to lose before you take the picture, or whatever. Like you just have to get a good picture and you just have to get over that.

Speaker 2:

It needs to be good and you have to get over that. That is why people are going to click or not click, and they have to be honest pictures too. And if you show cleavage, you're suggesting sex, and I'm sorry, I know it's. You don't blame the woman for how she dresses, but that is your ad. And if your ad has cleavage, what did we learn from the advertising industry that sells beer? That's what you're selling. If you want to sell sex, if that's what you're looking for, do it. If it is not what you're looking for, just this is as much chest as you can show in a profile picture.

Speaker 1:

You're not showing any chest friend, so you that must be my chest yes, oh, chest fair, you're not showing up.

Speaker 2:

You don't have to be Victorian, but no cleavage, no cleavage.

Speaker 1:

You must help women with their dating profiles. That must be part of your. I do indeed yeah, it's important.

Speaker 2:

I mean it's important and I can't and nobody gives it right. It's remarkable to me that people want to lie in their yes, I know right, I'm okay with withholding information in a profile right, I'm okay with not saying certain things. I don't think they're for your full expose on everything, but to misrepresent what you look like, where you live, what you're into. That's just going to exhaust you right. It just leads to no good in the long run, okay.

Speaker 1:

Anything else that you just know that our listeners need to hear today that we haven't already covered other than they're pure magic and they love is waiting for them. If they can, just yes, okay that's a great segue.

Speaker 2:

I mostly work with women 50, 60, 70, 80 so I am not interesting yeah, so if you're listening in your 20, 30, 40, I'm sorry, but it is never too late, like really never too late like really never too late. And what else are we doing on planet earth besides? Figuring out love yes, and if you exist, your partner exists. There's no, there's no. You exist, but then nobody who could be your partner.

Speaker 1:

that makes no sense, that's not at all how it works.

Speaker 2:

No, it's just not so try to believe and if you don't believe, figure out what of your 34 obstacles are yours and do your work, that's right Do your work and do your work for the results.

Speaker 1:

And do your work for the results. That's a conscious mind. Yes, yeah.

Speaker 2:

And the results will come.

Speaker 1:

Do it for the results but also do't feel good while you're doing it. It's both it feels good and it doesn't feel good Like acupuncture. I was going to say like that pronomad I lay on sometimes.

Speaker 2:

It's all right. It's all right, it's worth it.

Speaker 1:

Worth it. Worth it. I would love to have you back. There are a handful of things we definitely tapped into today that I think yeah would be really juicy follow-up episodes. So in the show notes we're going to put a link to your quiz Am I ready to date? We're going to put your Instagram handle, maybe a link to an ebook.

Speaker 2:

I would love for you to give people my webinar. It is an hour that they can go through and make their 3H chart and learn how to use it, that's amazing. We teased it, we talked about it. This will literally walk you through with pictures. It'll teach you the color coding, the whole nerdy thing how to do the three dates. Like everything in that second phase of tactics is in, is in that webinar. So that's really what I want people to check out.

Speaker 1:

Awesome. Thank you for your time, your wisdom, your wit. We cannot wait to have you back in the future. I'll be here.

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Divorce Recovery Maven Dawn Wiggins

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