Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce
This isn’t a breakup pep talk. It’s a full-body recalibration.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary—the only podcast for women navigating the messy aftermath of divorce who are done with quick fixes and spiritual fluff.
I’m Dawn Wiggins, therapist and homeopath, and I’m here to give you something the divorce advice space rarely does: real healing.
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Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce
262. Divorce Healing Stuck? The Sexual Self-Acceptance Block You Didn’t See Coming
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Dear Divorce Diary: Dedicated to Healing
Exclusive access to premium content!If your divorce healing feels stuck, the block may be hiding in your sexual self-acceptance. It’s not about sex—it’s about shame.
You’ll Learn
- How sexual shame sneaks into divorce recovery.
- Why ignoring this block keeps women frozen in grief.
- The path to reclaiming wholeness through self-acceptance.
💎 Healing isn’t about pushing past shame—it’s about learning safety in your body. Join A Different D Word
Many divorced women feel stuck in their healing, not realizing the real block is sexual self-acceptance. This isn’t about performance—it’s about permission. Permission to feel, to be whole, to stop carrying the shame you never chose. In this episode, I walk you through why this layer of healing matters and how to begin giving yourself the grace you’ve always deserved.
Sexual self-acceptance is the missing piece in many women’s divorce recovery journeys.
After divorce, your sex drive can turn into a mind maze, I think. For many women they often can't imagine being touched, and for some you want to rip somebody else's clothes off right Just to like reclaim some lost part of yourself. Today we're going to talk about both states. We're going to talk about the freeze, the tendency to be sexually shut down, numb and maybe even think that that is a sign of healing, but really it's about something that's been lost within you. And we're also going to talk about the flood, when you chase the high of being wanted and confuse it with power and end up in beds that leave you even emptier. And, finally, how to untangle the intersection of your trauma, your hormonal dysfunction, your nervous system dysregulation, so that you can have and meet desire without fear. If you're scared about what your body has been saying lately, let's do this together.
Speaker 1:Hi love, welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence. I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee. Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce. Hi, ladies, okay, today we're going to talk about sex. Do we talk about sex a lot? We don't talk about sex a lot, right, Not enough. I wonder, right, I wonder what that means. Okay, so we're going to talk about, right, this sort of frozen sexual experience not interested in sex, you know, and sort of untangle, that, and what that feels like for women. But we're also going to talk about the woman who uses sex to sort of feel powerful or to feel attractive or to feel wanted, and we're going to really look at both of those today, right, I think that's going to be super fun and interesting. We all have a lot to share there. And then in the second half of the episode, we're going to do a little somatic work, right, we're going to drop into our bodies and we're just going to hold space, right, and sort of walk our listeners through how to hold space and connect with whatever is going on in their body sexually, just so we can start to move the needle there. How's that sound to you, ladies? Yeah, love it, let's do it, okay.
Speaker 1:So, in sort of prepping for this, right, we were acknowledging we see both patterns, both in ourselves, maybe, and when we're working with women. We've seen like a whole menu smorgasbord, if you will, of sexual responses post-divorce, I would say that the bulk of women that we talk to or work with have experienced a good bit of, like emotional or sexual frozenness. I don't know, would you say that differently? No, I think that's accurate. And then you know a handful of circumstances where there's like a flooding or a hunger, right of all the sudden sexual stuff, and I can certainly relate to both at different times in my journey, and I think it's really important that we make space to talk about all of it.
Speaker 1:Right, because our relationship to sex and our sexual identity and our sexual health and our sexual function or lack thereof, it says a lot about where we are in, our sort of healing and our identity. Right, because sexuality is a core element of our femininity and I think so many of us have become quite burnt out from a feminine perspective and it is such an important part of getting well to reclaim that and to have that be in a relatively give or take healthy balance. Yeah, so when I was married, my ex is an addict of many things, sex not the least of which, and so I found myself really shutting down sexually in the marriage. I think, tiffany, you had a different experience right, or a similar problem, but different response to the problem. So post-divorce I found myself all of a sudden my sexuality sort of like back online, but with like all sorts of guilt and shame about having sex as a Christian woman. So like I had all that internal conflict.
Speaker 1:But whereas in my marriage I had stopped wanting to have sex with my husband at all, post-divorce Initially I would say I was like let's get it on, whether it was with myself or whatever right. But then over the years I have become so depleted as a woman that my libido has tanked, and so it's been a process to post having our daughter, post like workaholism, post like trauma recovery, right Like I've had to work really hard to rehab my overall sexual health and wellness and that's been a project. So I've sort of experienced both ends of this spectrum. How about you ladies?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think in my marriage you know we talked about this before that I it was like a competition, you know felt like I constantly had to keep him interested, didn't want to let him down in that way. I associated so much of my worth in my marriage to our sexual relationship and his attraction level Sexual performance okay, well, I'm not doing something right.
Speaker 3:And again, like, let's do the context. I was in my early 20s, right? So I think that there was a lot of that wanting to please and like be a good wife and all the things. Um, so for me, yeah, I responded differently in the marriage, where I just under all costs wanted to protect it and, you know, just kept trying to level up yeah, it's so interesting how our relationship with sex changes with age.
Speaker 1:I hear a lot of women like in traditional Chinese medicine, menopause or midlife is supposed to be the second spring. It's supposed to be like when we become unburdened by the same childbearing and all the things and we could sort of freely have sex again, right. But I think and that's the idea that's when there's an ideal, healthy body right, holding a woman who feels in touch with her sexuality and her femininity, that's what menopause is supposed to be. And I do hear more and more women having really hot, great sex later, like in midlife, um. But I think there's a level of recovery that has to happen for many of us first to have, you know, just become so depleted. Yeah, joy, you always tell a funny story about what it looked like when you were separated.
Speaker 1:So, trying to get your needs set.
Speaker 2:It went crazy. It was like it was a full-fledged flooding of sexual desire and I could not right. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't necessarily, I wasn't keep up with yourself, I wasn't in a place to go find a partner. So you know, I pulled out the handy dandy vibrator and then broke that one and then went and replaced and then said thought I broke my vagina because I overused it so multiple times a day, every day.
Speaker 2:It's like so bad that I thought I went to the most wonderful nurse practitioner and just like kind of told her my story about how I got to this moment and I was like I think right, and I, and, and I just can't, I can't get enough, I can't stop.
Speaker 1:I would like a diagram, a diagram of what you mean by broken your vagina. But okay, What'd the nurse practitioner say?
Speaker 2:Right Like right, and she was lovely, and she was of course. Of course you are going through something, your body is reacting. It's fine, you didn't, you didn't break yourself, everything's going to be okay, she ashamed me, Like it was the space that I needed especially in the.
Speaker 2:Christian culture that I lived in Right and like masturbation is so, so shamed, right, and so it was like a perfect space for me to kind of take a breath, like, okay, maybe, maybe I am okay, I'm going to be okay. But oh yeah, it was pretty intense, just the the flooding of need and I had three tiny children and it wasn't available for me just to go out and find somebody.
Speaker 1:But I sure probably wouldn't have helped, right it's, I'm sure, everything worked out the way it was meant to.
Speaker 2:Yes, right, right. So I'm, you know I'm, I'm thankful, but I'll never forget that way, the way that woman, um nurse practitioner, made me feel because it was like so. She never shamed me, but but she reassured me that my vagina was not broken and everything. Did I ever tell you?
Speaker 3:guys a story about where I got my first vibrator. Tell you guys a story about where I got my first vibrator. No, have you Remind us? Yeah, so I was going through my first breakup with my high school boyfriend. I was then like 19. We'd been together two years and I came home and I was like really upset, obviously, like I'm just, I'm just in distress. You know, this is my first serious boyfriend and it's over.
Speaker 2:Oh God, like I can't do this.
Speaker 3:My mom goes get in the car. We're going somewhere.
Speaker 1:No, my mother.
Speaker 3:This is ringing a bell now. Yes, she pulled up outside of the only adult store that we had in our area In a very small town. Yes, and she sat in the car and she goes. I'm not going in with you.
Speaker 2:But you were not coming back out until you get what you need and I was like, oh my god, so she was the one that helped me. Fascinating, that's fascinating, that legit just gave me chills that your mom had that, that foresight wherewithal safety, that she was just like girlfriend, like you don't need a man, you don't need a man.
Speaker 3:That was her whole thing, right. She was like screw this, like you know, it's fine. Yeah, but I think for me, post-divorce right, and I know I've told a story and people have heard it but post-divorce, you know, I was in a beach town, I was in my mid twenties, I was ready to party and so you know, for that part of my life, especially like being so attention starved in the marriage and feeling like, you know, I was grabbing onto everything that I could to feel wanted and sexy and seen. So it's like, you know, being able to be out at the clubs every weekend that I didn't have my daughter. It was like a playground, I mean, there were, just there were different people every weekend, and so I it allowed me to just kind of be expressive and kind of explore myself sexually when I was there in that part of my life. But then I went the complete opposite, where I went from doing that to, in my 30s, being completely celibate for six years.
Speaker 2:Can I ask you what was the pivotal moment of pendulum shift to go from this to this? Like what process? What happened?
Speaker 3:It was the text message that I got from that guy and I know I've said that before on the pod yes, yes, yes, yes where it's like he made me feel so much shame around what I was doing and the fact that I was hurting people because people were getting feelings for me.
Speaker 3:But I wasn't, and even though I thought I was being honest and I was I was always very honest with men about what I was wanting or needing from them and I would tell them look, this is something casual, I'm not ready, I don't want anything serious with you. But he was the one that took it really hard and I think because he was such a good person and I knew he wasn't just a typical like fuck boy, like he was a really good guy and I hurt him in a season where he was going through a lot of things personally. That really affected me and I was like, wow. So then I made it a challenge to say, well, I'm not going to have sex for a week and then, okay, well, now I'm not, I'm going to try not to have sex for a month, and that literally turned into six years of just complete and total shutdown of really anything physical with anyone.
Speaker 2:So you? Were you working on yourself then, or was it just like you just froze in the opposite direction?
Speaker 3:I thought that I was, but I wasn't like I was suppressing. I was scared of what I had become. I was afraid of what I would do to other people. I was afraid that I could connect sexually with people Like when I tell you that it felt scarier to me to kiss someone on the mouth rather than have sex with them.
Speaker 1:That's the level that I was at. Yes, it was so terrifying, so sex didn't equal intimacy for me at all.
Speaker 1:It was just a thing, right, right, right, right, which is fascinating, right, yeah, I relate to that though because, again, post-divorce, actually, I did some sexual exploring post-divorce, which, you know, right wrong or indifferent, like from a spiritual perspective, I did some sexual exploration post-divorce which I think, like in a way that was very different than I ever had before. Right, I don't think I had ever felt permission to check out what I liked and didn't like Super duper interesting but I've talked about this a number of times that when my now husband and I started having sex, I had this really clear, pivotal moment where I had to pee while we were having sex and I stopped and I told him and I went and peed or whatever, and I felt, I know I was struggling like dissociating in that moment, right, like the idea of speaking what I needed in that intimate setting was so profoundly difficult to me, I just like burst into tears and like cried in the shower for an hour. I freaked him out. He had no idea what was going on, right, but clearly, coming out of a marriage where there was sexual addiction and coming out of a home where sex was such a head case, you know, like my dad is like a hyper-sexualized kind of guy and my mom was like a super puritanical kind of right.
Speaker 1:Like just so many mixed messages. I just don't think I had any clarity about what a healthy sexual self looked like. Right, it was just such, I don't know, mindfuck. So I think so many women must relate to all of that just around messaging right, like what our bodies mean. Are they ours or they're somebody else's?
Speaker 1:Like there's so many expectations put on us about how to perform for people, whether it's in how we look or how we have sex or don't have sex, or you know, it's so wild right, and I think, for a woman to be in touch with her own sexual self and to have a sex drive and to feel comfortable having desire and fulfilling that desire, whether it's with herself or with someone else. It's such a sign of health and wellness and esteem and a grounded sense of who you are.
Speaker 2:And what you deserve.
Speaker 1:But, wow, I think so many of us, as women, have spent lifetimes being so far from that.
Speaker 2:What would you say to the woman who has zero sexual desire, like coming out of a divorce, in that I can't ever think about having sex with another man. Two things.
Speaker 1:Number one we have to look at your metabolic and endocrine health and wellness right. Like are you taking care of your body is?
Speaker 2:it mineralized.
Speaker 1:Is it getting healthy foods? Is it getting enough sleep? Are your hormones balanced? We have to look at your metabolic wellness. It's just such an essential part of wellness period, right? You can't expect your future self to like, be robust and find love or have good mental health if your endocrine and metabolic function is not functioning. Hormone health is mental health. I cannot tell you how much balance, balance estrogen, testosterone and progesterone equals mental health right.
Speaker 1:Because if all that is shit, you are anxious, you are depressed, you are frozen, you're whatever right Like and there's no. And that's a lot of what we've been talking about in the quiz that we launched in the hormone guide We've attached to that right. A lot of times women don't realize that when they're stuck in things like grief, depression, anxiety, it's because their hormonal and metabolic health is off. So I would say we have to look at that. And then the other thing I would say is, unless you're in touch with your sexuality on some level, your sexual self right you are not. That is not a fully flushed out identity or sense of self right.
Speaker 1:Part of our core self as women is femininity and that involves a vibrant sacral chakra right, like a vibrant sacral flow. And so so many women who have lost libido and don't have any sexual urge or desire. There are so many things that are going on in that pelvic region that are literally frozen, like, literally right, whether it's. You know their fascia is frozen, you know the connective tissue, they have adhesions in their uterus or they, you know their bowels are frozen, like their blood flow is frozen right, just congestion in the pelvic region, and that's not how we're designed, designed. So again, I would say sexual health is mental health.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we can't separate them okay, I would agree like I feel like when I was in my celibacy period I was not well yeah, you were avoiding right, or yeah like I just put myself in a bubble where I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to be responsible for hurting others. Um, and I couldn't figure out how to have a sexual identity without hurting other people and feeling reckless, and so I just chose to not do it at all.
Speaker 1:I also think I'm gonna say something really weird, but it's something I've said before and it's something I've heard women we work with say, so I'm just like somebody out here listening right now needs to hear this when you have early childhood trauma and when you're recovering from divorce and you're working on attachment style and you're healing anxiety and trauma and attachment, and whatever right, there are parts of self that are young, right, we have internal parts that are young and those internal parts don't feel safe being sexual.
Speaker 1:And so how often are so many of us triggered and working through childhood trauma that informed the men we married and then working through that trauma, you know post-divorce, and have young parts that are activated inside of us and don't feel safe being sexual? And so it's like when we feel young emotionally, it's because those parts have not been unburdened yet, they have not been integrated and they don't have a sexual identity because they existed, they came into being right before puberty. They existed, they came into being right before puberty.
Speaker 1:And so I think very often when we see post-divorce stuff, we see an activation of parts that are post-puberty parts right, Like pre-marriage parts we see activated, maybe initially right Until we get to a certain age, and then I think you know when the system collapses, right? So I wonder how many women listening right now have felt young emotionally on a certain level and that has to be unburdened and healed so that there can be this tapping back into a sexual self.
Speaker 3:I'd almost be curious to know what their early relationship was with sex, if they dated prior to being married. In their marriage Was there this cycle or whatever? For me, the moment to me came very clearly. I, if you guys would see and sometime we'll do a middle school photo share um, I would love that I had really short hair and glasses and braces and like all of the middle school, yes, and like I hadn't, I was like the ugly duckling, like I was bullied so bad, oh yeah, and like I had all of these feelings around my own physical appearance.
Speaker 3:So it was crazy because it was like night and day, like I can remember the summer before I started high school. I like grew into my body. I grew my hair out long, I got my braces off, I got contacts and I walked into high school and I started getting all of this attention from all of these boys for the first time, you know, and for me it was a power trip. So I always connected my sexual identity, like my physical appearance, with power and I think that that's shaped a lot of the sexual relationships I've had and also just in dating, that it feels like a sense of power for me and it's almost like a drug. Feels like a sense of power for me and it's almost like a drug. It's very addictive, you know, or had been in cycles of my life over the years where I used my femininity for power.
Speaker 1:Right and I get. If I had to guess, I would say joy doesn't, and that's purely because of the regions we grew up in. So I grew up in South Florida where that is on brand right to use your body and your sexuality as a power right. But I don't think in the Bible Belt that's a thing or it's hidden.
Speaker 2:No, I grew up it's in secret rooms, it's y'all. It's very shameful. I grew up in a church that you were not modest if you didn't have pantyhose on, like you didn't wear pants. You and it wasn't. It wasn't you didn't wear pants, but like it wasn't modest. I didn't own a pair of jeans until I started dating my husband like it wasn't a khaki pants and, and you know, up to the collarbone shirts. I remember I was going on. I was going on a um. It's not really a missions trip, but it was. It was going to go live in Costa Rica for a month to immerse, to do a Spanish immersion program, and I don't like. I personally don't like things on my um, on almost claustrophobic or whatever feel tied up and so I do wear v-neck things. But I'm a large chested woman, it's just. I can't control that.
Speaker 2:But I remember a woman pulling me aside and telling me to be careful because I'm being in modest, because I have a low cut shirt on, so, like that, the whole sexual pendulum is on the other side, where it's so shameful and I should be ashamed of my body and I should be ashamed of you know, wanting to feel attractive like that did not, that was not, did not exist in my childhood or, you know, my adolescence, early adulting.
Speaker 1:When I do think I was raised with very similar concepts. Right, like, like can I take my boobs to church? Is that a thing? Like are they allowed?
Speaker 1:here, right and I think that that informed why I got married so early because I was. I felt sex, like sex. I felt sex, you know, as a young person it's like where do you go with that when you don't? Right I wasn't really living in a robust christian culture environment like, where do you go with all those sexual urges? Right, like, I know what to do, I'll get married and then I cannot feel guilt or shame about having sex and then I can have sex all I want and I wouldn't say that's like why I got married, but I definitely say like it solved a problem.
Speaker 1:You know how old are you when?
Speaker 2:you got married. Do you mind me asking 22?
Speaker 1:all right, 22 that's done yeah solved a problem yeah what if we just did, like a little drop in right here and just practice breathing into our sexual selves? Right, and I would expect all sorts of stuff is could, could float up, right, whether it's complete disconnect or but like let's just see what's there. Right, let's just do a little somatic work on connecting with whatever sexual patterns are currently existing inside of us. Right, because it at least points us to where we need to look, where we need to heal, where we need to recover, where we need to unburden. Right, and I know what we don't do with intention just usually doesn't get done, you know. So I would love the idea of us just sort of tapping into that, all right. So if you're riding in your car, please proceed with caution. Just take a deep breath oh, that felt good. And if you need to take a few more, you know, before we started recording today, we did a couple of rounds of EFT. So I'm feeling pretty freaking grounded today, ladies. But take a couple rounds of breath, drop into your body, just notice what feels good and what doesn't. Right now, no big deal. We're just here to witness. We're not here to fix or solve or cure. We're literally just here to be good stewards and listeners and to hold space.
Speaker 1:Unburdening happens when we can feel safe enough to feel. I'm going to say that again. Unburdening happens when we can feel safe enough to feel and especially when that feeling can be witnessed by someone we feel loved or accepted by. So, in this moment, you would be shocked how much you can unburden just by getting present, getting into your body, allowing yourself to join the invitation to feel safe enough to feel and allowing us to witness and love you through it. So I just want you to, in your breath, in your body awareness, I just want you to check in about how you're feeling right now, about your sexual self, about those parts of you that we relate to as sure, being mothers but also being sexual creatures. Your breasts, your nipples, your skin in general is so sensual, such a source of pleasure when we can be in our bodies and feel, touch your pelvic floor, your sexual parts, your hoo-ha, as our friend Lori Gerber would call it your pleasure centers. Just breathe and feel safe enough to feel.
Speaker 1:Whatever emotions come up about all of these things, whatever messages come up about your worth, just be with them. We see you, we hear you, we feel you. You've received so many messages about this part of you and how they should be or how they shouldn't be. We dare you right now to just breathe and witness the glory of your body, all that it is capable of, all that it is capable of, all that it has held, all that it desires. We want you to hear that everything you've felt and experienced, it's all okay, you are not crazy, it all has an explanation and anything that you feel is hopeless or helpless about it absolutely has a solution. Staying with your breath, giving yourself permission to feel, staying in your body and maybe even adding a butterfly tap or an EFT sequence here, just in the space of feeling seen, held and accepted. Right now, there's nothing you could be feeling that one of the three of us hasn't heard or witnessed with someone before. Your pain is not so exceptional or different. You are completely worthy and eligible of healing, recovery, alignment and acceptance.
Speaker 1:Taking a moment to thank all of those parts of you that have moved through time at the various stages of being a woman in this world a girl, a developing woman, a midlife woman, perhaps a post-menopausal woman, all of those ages and stages having something beautiful to offer in the world of femininity. Taking one final big, deep breath and I want you to sigh everything out ready. Let's gather everything up and really releasing, with intention, doing that as many times as you need, really exhaling out all of the bullshit that you have been storing in your body about what it means or what other people have said. It means to be a woman, allowing yourself to receive all the love we are sending you in this moment. We love you so much. Peace, dear Divorce. Diary is a podcast by my coach, john. You can find more at mycoachjohncom.
