316. After Divorce: The Part of Me That Keeps Accepting Less Than I Deserve

This Thursday, you’re invited into something sacred and real.

One of our most cherished community members — the one who shows up honest, even when life feels like a rocket ship up her ass — sat down with Coach Tiffini for a live, unfiltered IFS coaching session.

She came in carrying the familiar post-divorce exhaustion: extra work responsibilities dumped without warning, barely time to eat, resentment simmering… yet underneath it all, a new kind of calm she hadn’t felt in years.

What rose to the surface was a younger part of her — the 22-year-old still living in the apartment from her early marriage — who learned, over and over, that being fully herself meant blame, betrayal, and rejection.

A husband who punished her opinions.
A workplace that gave her impossible tasks, then asked “why did you do that?”
Years of choosing partners who offered scraps instead of the whole table.

So she adapted the only way a tender heart knows how: she started accepting less than she deserves. She shrank. She stayed quiet. She took the crumbs so she wouldn’t risk being told — again — that she’s “too much.”

In this session, we gently meet that part in her body (right in the heart space). We witness the loneliness she’s carried alone for decades. And we give her the words she’s been waiting to hear:

“You are not too much. Your voice, your boldness, your wild, beautiful energy — these are sacred gifts. The people who belong with you now will celebrate every inch of who you truly are.”

You’ll hear the somatic softening that happens when a protected part finally feels safe.
You’ll feel the spiritual re-parenting that begins when Self steps forward with love instead of management.

This episode is for every woman who’s walked through (or is still walking through) divorce and still notices herself:

• Saying yes to extra loads at work when her body is screaming no
• Staying in connections that offer half-hearted effort
• Quietly putting her own needs last… again

It’s the medicine of seeing how old rejection wounds don’t vanish when the marriage ends — they live on in patterns until we meet them with compassion.

Gentle invitations to carry into your week

• Where in your life are you still quietly accepting less than your full worth — in love, work, friendships, or your own body?
• What would it feel like to let the version of you who’s done settling speak one small, honest truth this week?
• Whisper (or write) to that younger part inside: “I see how hard you tried to keep us safe. I’m here now. I’ll stand up for what we deserve.”

This is the deep, integrative work we do together — somatic witnessing, spiritual truth-telling, layered healing that touches mind, body, and soul.

Premium only, because some conversations are too tender, too powerful, for the open feed.

And here’s the part that makes this space different: Premium members aren’t just listeners — you’re invited to be coached, andheld in the same loving container. 

Come home to yourself.
We’re waiting with open arms. ❤️

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn

Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)

Instagram: (@coachtiffini)

On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com

A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages&

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Transcript

Premium IFS Coaching Invitation

SPEAKER_00 0:00

This Thursday in Premium, you get to sit in on a real unfiltered IFS coaching session with one of our dearest community sisters. We meet the younger part of her who learned long ago that being fully herself meant rejection. So she started accepting less than she deserves. I bet you can relate.

Worthy Of The Whole Table

SPEAKER_00 0:19

We're gonna listen to how she begins to unburden that old belief and feel with her the somatic shift when she finally hears you are worthy of the whole table, not just the scraps. Premium listeners, this is your invitation. If you're ready to not just listen, but also be seen, held, and gently coached in your own healing, reach out to us because spots for live coaching are open. Because you deserve more than leftovers.

Show Intro And Host Welcome

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Hi, love. Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence. I'm your host, Don Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorcee. Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

Okay.

Life Overload And Cortisol Talk

SPEAKER_01 1:24

So a rocket ship up your ass. Um okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:31

Yeah. I mean, that's the you know, when you have like you're going so fast you have no control over like the speed that you're moving, that's what it feels like. So I had to take my daughter to the Orthodonist when the phone calls started while I was there. And then I had my first meeting at nine as I was pulling in the driveway, and it ran long, and I had to hang up on it, go to my second meeting, which prompted a like whole host of crazy things that I have to fix for someone else. And then I had the all the phone calls that I'd missed for two hours from the meetings and to get to hear.

unknown 2:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:09

I shoved a French bread pizza in my mouth as like as fast as I could five minutes ago. Nice, nice, okay. Because that was the first thing I've had to eat today, except coffee, and all I could remember was John calling me out in the podcast yesterday about drinking coffee first with on an empty stomach in the morning, and your cortisol levels skyrocketing.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

So I never knew that there was a correlation between that, and it was funny because she mentioned it again on the pod, the one that's coming out next week when we're recording this week. And it's weird because I wondered why I had so much fucking energy when like in the morning when we were recording. And it's because for the first time I thought I'm gonna do my protein shake first, and then I'm just gonna drink coffee on the pod while we're recording. Usually I take them together, and I just had so much more energy after I waited for the protein to settle and then took the coffee. So I've been doing that now.

SPEAKER_03 3:03

Well, um, I know that it's beneficial. I I really like coffee firstly, I really like having that like hot coffee in the morning. Yeah. So I'm gonna try her hot water and lemon juice idea. Um, I'm I felt about as salty about that as I did about having to get up and do my Bible reading first thing in the morning. But like I I honestly like God is like, you are going to become a morning person. Like I am going to put things in place and force you to become a disciplined morning person. Oh, yeah. Because I'm not, I don't like mornings. Like I I'm angry on the weekends if I have to get out of bed before like nine. I don't like it.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Okay. You would hate, well, I'm up the earliest in my household. So I'm up like it doesn't matter if it's a weekend, like at 6 30. Like I'm just programmed to be up and I'm reading. I'm up hours before anybody in my family is up.

SPEAKER_03 4:02

I am not. And maybe, maybe once I can heal my cortisol, maybe I'll be a morning person, but I am not. I used to a few several years ago, I would get up at 4 30 and go walk my neighborhood with a friend.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:15

And I got to where I hate, I was like resenting her.

unknown 4:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:19

And I was like, this is because I don't like this. I don't want to get up. Like, this is the only time I can do it, but I don't like getting up this early. And I was like resenting her for it.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

Yeah, yeah. It's your fault, bitch. Yeah, it totally. All right. So checking in on remedies, how are you feeling on those?

Morning Routines And Energy Shifts

SPEAKER_03 4:39

Um, so I quit taking everything about a week ago, except for feminine balance and ease.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:47

Um, because I have a period again. Um, it lasted for two weeks, but it was the first one I've had in almost five months.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

Wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:55

So um I yeah, but um that combination finally, like my hot flashes are gone, like things are good. But I because I muscle tests like constantly, and I was testing for nothing. Okay, like absolutely nothing. Um, so I was like, okay, well, I'm just gonna not take anything for a while and see how I feel. And then yesterday I tested and actually tested for three different ones. Um, and I sent a picture of it to Don and I was like, so tell me what this what does this tell you? So because it was a weird combination. It was like the nerve one, the rust hox hypericum, and shit, now I gotta go look. Metarhina.

Health Check-In And Remedies

SPEAKER_03 5:39

Oh yeah. And hang on, looking for my picture I sent her. And the Staphosagria. Yeah, stop saying, yeah. Um, which I know is for like resent like anger and resentment or something, which um that actually I that just triggered like that makes complete sense because yesterday or on Monday I started. Um we had a guy quit, and without asking if I would take like help take over, I was just told I was like taking his responsibilities. Um and it's a nightmare, um, which is partially why I feel like I have a rocket in my ass. Yeah. So I think I was like, I've been pretty like I was pissed off last like the whole Christmas break. I was like, I don't want to go back to work because I know I have to start this when I get back.

SPEAKER_01 6:29

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:30

Um so those are my three, those are my three that I'm taking.

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Um, okay, so checking in on parts, managers, um, self-sabotaging. Last time you rated that a yellow.

SPEAKER_03 6:44

Um since I connected with her, I would honestly say we're like getting closer to green.

unknown 6:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

Like the fire, some of the firefighters have calmed down.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

I made some notes last night because I was having some thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 7:03

You know, while I was working. So I was doing something else. And like that's the only time my brain lets me process.

SPEAKER_04 7:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 7:09

Um, so and this all prompted because last week I was like, crap, I haven't done any of the things that Tiffany told me to do, like, none of the homework. I did none of it. And I was like, she's gonna be mad at me, like or like disappointed with me. So I was like, I'm gonna like read all this, and I'm like, I'm gonna work on this. And I get there and I was like, it's all about the sabotage manager. And I was like, I got nothing. I have nothing. Like, I like I can't connect with her, like she's just like this like wall, and like

Anger Resentment And Work Stress

SPEAKER_03 7:46

I was like, I got nothing. So I was like, I'm just gonna go to bed, and that's when it started, like in the middle of the night. Like, okay, and it was your questions, because I was like replaying the questions in my mind when I was going to sleep. Yeah, yeah. But it was um, she's protecting a rejected ex exile part. Okay, and that's why she's constantly throwing stuff up because the images that she started sending like popping up in my brain. And I had lunch with a friend last over the weekend, and we were talking about this because we worked together when it happened, like 25 years ago, or almost 30 years ago when this happened. Um, she we were laughing at like the insanity of the things that as a 22-year-old I was put in charge of for the entire bank for the for like the whole city. Um, and got in and like, but I didn't do it right and got in trouble for it. And so that was like the first memory that popped up for this rejected part was like I was doing what I I was like taking charge and being me. And I was like, why the hell would you do that? was the response. And then like the next one was you know, finding out like of Sunny, like that he was like looking at like trying to find people to have like online sex with, like two weeks after we got married. Um, and it was like so it was like all these like things where who I was was like just being like, why are you like that's you know, totally rejected, like being told like you're you're too much, like you're just you're so loud, like you're so opinionated, you're just was a whole lot of I'm too much. Okay, and so I think she's decided her job is to keep me stuck so that I don't experience that anymore.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I mean her when we initially did it around it, it's like if I have to feel feelings, I'm gonna give up. Yeah, like it's too heavy. And then she was talking about you needing to stop holding back what you need to say, which is again feelings around Sunny, like speaking

Parts Check: Managers And Firefighters

SPEAKER_01 9:55

up, but not in the way you should have, where you should have just been like, I'm fucking out, you know what I mean? Like this is ridiculous. Um, you either want to be married or you don't, you know, and just kind of ways that you've kept yourself, you've sabotaged yourself by accepting other people's bullshit that they've given you over the years. And I think that that was be your cycle in dating is that you sabotage yourself by settling.

SPEAKER_03 10:18

Well, and it's because I'm afraid that if I say what I want, I'll be rejected. So she's and I think that was like why I did. I mean, I was I was struggling a little bit after sunny, but Patrick made it so that I wasn't right, and then him deciding to, you know, stay married and not pick me, like I think just started like a downward spiral. And then I and then I just because and I just kept picking guy after guy after guy that there was no way it was ever gonna work with, whether I liked him or not. I just was like, it was the rejection, rejection, rejection. Like they don't want that. Makes more sense. And I feel like once since I've since that, and then I'm not kidding that 12 days of Christmas was like I know you guys said, like, if you do this, you're gonna have a shift, and I did. Like that was it, it really, it really, really made a difference. And the level I feel like honestly, like a lot of the firefighters like calmed down. I'm still struggling with the eating one, but part of that I know is like sugar addiction and like a lot of big time routine.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

Like, I know you used to doom scroll at night and purchase. How are you doing there?

SPEAKER_03 11:36

I don't even like to like I don't I'm barely on my phone. Like I don't want to sit on my phone, I don't want to sit and play games, I don't want to sit and scroll. Like I did like actually binge watch Emily in Paris on New Year's Eve, but it was because I got to be like I had the house to myself and I could actually like watch it and enjoy it with no one bugging me.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

No interruptions, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:56

No, that's it wasn't a it wasn't a I need to like numb out. It was like I want this and I can finally have like I I don't know how to describe other than like I just feel calm. Okay, like I have like this peace feeling that I mean literally like I'm repeating

Self-Sabotage And Rejection Cycles

SPEAKER_03 12:17

last year right now, the same almost the same time of year where they're giving me this other person's job and uh expecting me to like manage two like jobs same time of almost the same time of year. Like last year it was March. So but I don't feel that like I'm mad about it because I know how much work it's gonna be, but I don't feel that like despair and like overwhelm and like I'm gonna this is gonna like take me out feeling.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

Oh that's excellent. And because you have more capacity now, Christina.

SPEAKER_03 12:49

I think that's it. I just it's I was so anxious last year because I know I can do the job I used to do the job, but I was this like imposter syndrome, like constant feeling like I have to prove myself and it's I don't it's gone. Like I don't have the I don't feel it. So whatever connecting with that sabotage manager, working through like, okay, why were you put in charge of planning the Christmas party? Like that was it. It was a Christmas party for the entire, like all the Tulsa branches of the bank I worked at. I was 22 years old and I was told I had free reign. Here's my budget, you have free reign. And then I started planning it, and it was like, why the hell did you do that? Because you said I could. Why? Well, that wasn't I didn't mean that. And I was like, So my friend, her name's Christina. We were laughing about this. We were like, What the hell? Like you were put in charge, like all these adult, like you of all people, like you just like you're like, I was like, I was a child, basically. Like, yeah, yeah. And like the stuff, and there was like other things that followed, but that all happened while I worked with that bank. But it was the same kind of thing, like you're in charge of this, and then I would do it, and they'd be like, Why did you do that? Like, why would you possibly think that was a good idea? Because like, so just like talking through some of that stuff with her, like that wasn't me. That wasn't my fault. I I didn't screw up, I was not given good information, and I was naive and inexperienced and didn't know the questions to ask to verify what actually meant when I had free reign. Like, so I like think just kind of talking that through and like reminding this manager, like these were not my these were not my fault. Some of like staying with Sunny was obviously my fault. Um but I got three amazing kids out of it if I hadn't stayed. Yeah. So like okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

Caretaker, you rated her as green last time.

SPEAKER_03 14:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

Okay. Controller manager, you rated as yellow.

SPEAKER_03 14:59

Um he's yeah, we're back and forth.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Okay. All right. Your protector part, um, you rated a green last time as well.

SPEAKER_03 15:09

Yep, green.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

Okay, and then the good girl was a red because that's the one that we were kind of working through actively.

SPEAKER_03 15:18

And she's way, she's clumped way, way down.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Okay. Would we put her on yellow this time?

SPEAKER_03 15:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

And then so when we did work around the exiled part, the

Calmer Nervous System And Capacity

SPEAKER_01 15:29

unlovable part, the three-year-old, I put her on a red right now. She needed you to love yourself through caring for your body and mind. How is she feeling, three-year-old part right now, that was feeling unlovable?

SPEAKER_03 15:42

I did not do a good job of trying to connect with her.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Okay. All right. So we'll try to connect with her today. And then we'll see what she's gonna show you today. So whenever you feel ready, Christina, you can go ahead and just drop in.

SPEAKER_03 16:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

Okay. So this is your 22-year-old exile. Where are you picturing her at right now that you're meeting her?

SPEAKER_03 16:17

Um, she is in the apartment that we lived in when we first got married.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Okay. Can you ask her if it would be okay if you could talk to her? How does she feel about you being there with her right now? Wondering what took so long. Okay. Is there anything that she wants you to know before we get started? So what is she feeling most strongly right now at this point in her life? She's heard of hiding. Like changed to make others more comfortable. Is there anything that she's been afraid to show anybody?

SPEAKER_03 17:31

She feels like she has to be different people for different people. Like what's gonna be accepted? Like different levels of I can of too much. Like uh, it's too much if I'm like this with these people and too much. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 17:54

What does she feel like she was needing back then that she didn't get acceptance? And what does she wish that somebody would have done for her in that moment?

Reframing Old Work Memories

SPEAKER_03 18:12

It's when with the hold to the work stuff, like just explained, hey, you're you know, you're you're you did a good job. I didn't give you enough, like I didn't explain enough of what I was was looking for, and like not just dumped all the blame on her.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

When does she remember that she first started feeling this way? That she had to be different things for different people.

SPEAKER_03 18:43

It was when I got married. Or when we were no, it was when we were dating. It was when we were dating.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

I can Can she show you a memory of something that she explicitly remembered?

SPEAKER_03 18:59

Drama. Sonny and I worked together and there was like some gossipy drama that I tried to like say something about and like made the problem even worse. And he was mad at me for being have for like saying anything for sticking up for myself and having an opinion.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Is there a moment that you wish that we could slow down together in that? I don't know. Does she feel alone in that memory or was somebody else there with her?

SPEAKER_03 19:43

Alone. No, no control managers in there.

SPEAKER_01 19:48

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:50

I can see him. He's like in the shadows. Okay. Because she did try to like and explain, and it was still it was still her fault. And so she just the controlling, he was like, yeah, just stop trying to explain.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

What did she start to believe about herself because of all this going on around her?

SPEAKER_03 20:27

That she wasn't gonna be accepted the way it was being opinionated or the way she was she had needed it. Keep keeping things to

Connecting With The 22-Year-Old Exile

SPEAKER_03 20:45

herself. Not make people uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

What did she decide about the world then?

SPEAKER_02 20:59

So that it wasn't worth the risk to be herself.

SPEAKER_01 21:06

What did she then believe that she had to do to survive?

SPEAKER_02 21:12

Be small.

SPEAKER_03 21:16

Don't take up too much space. Don't like gr get it um so that she wouldn't like get attention.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

What is she afraid is gonna happen if she lets go with that?

SPEAKER_03 21:36

That she'll just continue to get rejected for being too much.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

How does she feel about you coming close to her right now?

SPEAKER_03 21:49

She doesn't want to stay like this. She doesn't want to stay like this.

SPEAKER_01 21:56

Does she trust you? She wants to. What would allow her to trust you more and feel safe with you?

SPEAKER_03 22:08

If she knew that I would stand out for myself if I was like told again that I was too much something. Whatever.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

What else does she want you to know about what she went through?

SPEAKER_03 22:32

She's felt really alone. And it's hard to trust.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Is there something that she's been waiting for somebody to say to her?

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Yeah. Patrick did. Patrick was very much accepting, like loved her just the way she was. Loved every bit of her boldness and her opinions and her loudness. And she finally felt safe.

Too Muchness And Playing Small

SPEAKER_03 23:18

And that she could truly be seen. And she wants to feel like that again.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

Okay. Can I be here with her right now so that she doesn't have to hold this alone? Okay. Would it help if I shared what I wish somebody would have said to her back then? Yes. Okay. So what I want her to know is that everything that makes her unique, her loudness, her opinions, her laugh, her wild streak, those are all things to be cherished. And the people that she surrounded herself with back then didn't appreciate those things about her. But everything that is going in this life right now, the people that she is now surrounding herself with now in this life will see and love her for exactly who she is. How old is she feeling right now?

SPEAKER_03 24:36

Probably close, like close in age actually to me.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 24:41

Like she still looks really young, but she's kind of I she seems to have kept up with like aging.

SPEAKER_01 24:49

Where do you feel her in your body? In my heart. Like right here in my chest. And can you notice, can she notice what's happening right here as we're sitting with her? Is there anything that she wants from us before we go? Yeah. And how can we help her feel safe until next time?

SPEAKER_03 25:37

Oh, she was she said what you you what you said was she needed that.

SPEAKER_04 25:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Is there any way that she can feel safer until next time, Christina? She's gonna hold on to that. To remind herself.

unknown 25:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:59

I want you to have any conversation, Christina, with her that you need to. You can either say it out loud or internally, and then when it feels

Unburdening And Body Felt Sense

SPEAKER_01 26:06

complete, you can go ahead and come out. Okay. Okay. Any thoughts on that before we kind of break that down?

SPEAKER_03 26:22

I don't know. That was a lot.

SPEAKER_01 26:24

Okay. So definitely what came out of that for me is that she's protected by the controller, clearly. Because you said you could see that in the memory. And then she also is saying that she needed to be small, not take up space, not get attention. So is that the good girl? You know what I mean? Um, is that the manager also that's coming in to kind of keep her playing very small?

SPEAKER_03 26:51

Honestly, I feel like all three of the the sabotage control and good girl are all three protecting her.

SPEAKER_04 26:58

Mm-hmm.

unknown 26:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 27:00

Like whichever one, like they're like tag teaming it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Like be quiet, or like we'll just like keep you, you know. If I'm overweight and self-conscious, I don't want to draw attention to myself. So I stay small.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

So yeah, it's like, and and her biggest need is for you to stand up for yourself. And I feel like it's like that in all

Protectors Tag Team The Exile

SPEAKER_01 27:27

aspects, right? Whether that is with it's basically standing up for yourself, advocating, caring for yourself, like all of that is falling under the same envelope as far as like your physical and mental health, you know, being able to make sure that you play big instead of small. So I'm probably gonna give you prompts too around playing small areas where you still feel like in your life you're doing that, you know, where you still are continuing that cycle of just accepting the breadcrumb mentality from every aspect, whether it's men or physical health or just whatever, you know.

SPEAKER_04 28:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

What else today did you want to talk through?

SPEAKER_03 28:10

It was just like I was just like the flood of like memories of every single time I was told. Because God, as an adult, like, but okay, there's so many things happening in my head. What you told me that you said you liked about me, my smile and how I lit up. I got told that as a teenager a lot. Like those exact words. Okay. Um, and I don't think that I've been told that as an adult in a very, very long time. So that's what I think all of that started connecting, and that's where I was like, oh, this this part is an adult. This is like how I was able to finally start like accessing her.

SPEAKER_01 28:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:58

Um yeah, because I can't tell you how many times, like, just be quiet,

Practice Taking Up Space In Group

SPEAKER_03 29:06

just don't have an opinion.

SPEAKER_01 29:08

Did you ever feel like that when you were younger as a kid?

SPEAKER_03 29:12

No. Okay. My parents didn't pay a whole lot of attention. That as long as I was doing as long as I wasn't in trouble, I was they didn't pay attention. Okay. So as long as I was being good. Like there was like I could do whatever I wanted. Like I was, but I remember as a teenager, like I was like, I loved the attention. I loved attention. I was loud. And I'm like, I didn't like just like walk quietly into a room. I was like, here I am, um, kind of presence. Like when Joey talks about that, like she's everybody could hear her, like that's how I went. Like I was loud. Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:48

Um enjoying the same room at retreat's gonna be hilarious, like in the same space because like, yeah, she she does, and I love it. Like every time you hear her before you see her, like that's what it is always.

SPEAKER_03 30:00

But I've gotten to where I like I don't I sit back and wait. Um, and I actually did that on our social the other night. I'm like terrified to like take up space in the conversation, and I love that because here's what I'm connecting that back to.

SPEAKER_01 30:18

Then do you remember the last group coaching where the good girl took over and started talking because she wanted to please me and say all the right things, right? Right, but was it resonating with you? Probably not. You were just acting out of a manager mode, and so there's something extremely raw and vulnerable for you to speak up and take up space in a room because you feel like people are going to reject you. Yeah, I would love for you to test it out in this group and not out of the good girl part, but completely out of self, coming in and just saying like off the wall shit. Like it doesn't matter, like whatever comes to your mind, fucking say it. You know, we have group coming up Thursday, like fucking say it, whatever needs to be said, and just test it with these group of women because this is your container, this is your testing zone to start out with it.

SPEAKER_03 31:12

Okay, that's a good real that helps speed up.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

Yeah, yeah. Okay, and I noticed that too.

Testing Safety And Speaking In Self

SPEAKER_01 31:22

Like, I get one version of you, like these women have no idea who you are. Like, I get one version of you in session, like with you and I, and I get a very different Christina in group, and there's a few of the other women that are that way too, that act completely different in a session than they do on the group. And it's those managers that are just coming in and shutting them down because of whatever fears they have around rejection or mostly rejection.

SPEAKER_03 31:48

Yeah, yeah. Honestly, yeah, that that this is already 100% true. She's she's going, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:56

And understand at the retreat, like, shit's gonna get really uncomfortable because we're gonna ask you guys to do shit that's like way out of everybody's comfort zone, and everybody is immediately gonna just feel embarrassed and be like, oh god, I don't want to do that. But like, here we are. You know what I mean? Like, this needs to be the space where you guys are doing that in.

SPEAKER_03 32:15

Okay, so I gotta break through the group and start sharing. Yeah, you do. But see, this is I like right now. I can tell you what my brain is, what she's doing is she's like, well, but like it's it's not like what you have to say isn't actually important. Like, you don't have anything of value to share. Do you believe that? I don't think so, but it feels really hard. One-on-one feels so is so easy. The group settings is hard.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

I would love to challenge you to just do one thing over the next week, and even if it's just in the feed, is an unfiltered thought or an unfiltered share that doesn't feel like something's managing that text message. Because when you start speaking up and then you start understanding

Next Steps Prompts And Support

SPEAKER_01 33:04

that people aren't going to reject you, they're gonna receive you. And I tell people all the time, like you're seeking so much external validation that it's like you have to be able to understand that it really doesn't fucking matter if people like they're not your people, you know, even your sister, like if that's not somebody that you feel safe enough being yourself with, you can love her well from over there. Like, you don't have to allow her into the space where it feels uncomfortable or unsafe to share your opinion.

SPEAKER_03 33:35

It feels very terrifying to start to for this assignment.

SPEAKER_01 33:40

So happy it does.

SPEAKER_03 33:42

Like I'm like looking at because I wrote it down just so that I'll have to stare at it and I'll be like, I don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

Mm-hmm. It's okay. It's just and so I want you to just however you choose to do it, just go ahead and do it, and then just text me after and just be like, I did it. So that way I know what you're doing. Like, I'm seeing it, but like, is that did you feel like you're in self while you're doing it? You know, like how did it feel? And then I'm gonna send you prompts around just like plain small. Sometimes just looking at the questions, it's not like you have to sit and journal and make it feel like homework. Like sometimes just looking at the prompts and then allowing your subconscious to do the work, like they should do, you know, like your parts clearly are feeling safe enough to come out now. And so it's just about opening up the floodgates a little bit at a time. All right, when do you want to get together again?

SPEAKER_00 34:45

Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by MyCoachDonk. You can find more at mycoachdog.com.