322. They Only Hear Me When I’m Angry: Codependency, Suppressed Rage & Healthy Conflict After Divorce

Hi love.

Have you ever felt like no one listens…until you lose it?

You ask calmly.
You explain clearly.
You regulate yourself.

And nothing changes.

But the moment you explode? Suddenly, everyone’s paying attention.

In this premium Behind the Mic episode, Tiffini, Joy, and I unpack the dynamic that hit a nerve in the office this morning:

Why do some systems only respond to anger?

We talk about:

– The pattern of suppressing anger to be the “good girl”
 – The breaking point where suppression turns into explosion
 – Why some partners (and kids) only respond when you’re dysregulated
 – Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the war between your Manager and Firefighter parts
 – The Anacardium pattern: “Everybody breaks.”
 – How codependency is rooted in the refusal to feel
 – Why leaning in feels scarier than leaning out
 – The guilt that comes when you stop over-functioning
 – Parenting from regulation instead of control
 – And how to break generational suppression before it reaches your daughter’s Saturn return

We also explore a powerful truth:

Codependency isn’t just “doing too much.”

It’s:
 “I don’t want to feel.
 And I don’t want you to feel.”

And when feelings are suppressed long enough, rage becomes the only available language.

This episode is raw.
We talk about screaming fights.
Throwing clothes in the yard.
Village parenting.
Undoing 20 years of over-functioning.
And what it looks like to assume goodwill instead of defending.

If you’ve ever thought, “They only hear me when I’m angry,”
This conversation will help you understand why.

And more importantly, how to stop needing to break to be seen.

Welcome to Panel Rant Thursday.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn

Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)

Instagram: (@coachtiffini)

On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com

A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.

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Transcript

The Trigger Story: Anger As The Only Signal

SPEAKER_01 0:05

Hi, love. Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence. I'm your host, Don Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorcee. Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce. So, Tiffany, you came into work today telling us a story about some drama your current partner is having with his family. And as you were telling the story, we all started kibbitzing, like, like, oh my god!

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Like it resonated, right? Like Yeah, yeah. It hit a nerve with everybody this morning. It said. And that's how we know that this is the episode we need to record today. That's the vampire for y'all.

Dawn’s Primal Anger And Insight

Conflict Needs Versus Winning

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Here's your sign. Absolutely. Yeah. So it's super interesting because I've never considered this from the man's perspective. So I'm gonna frame the story that you shared. I'm gonna, you know, names and details hidden to protect the innocent or whatever. But never considered this from a man's perspective. But you said your current partner is having an issue with his parents where unless he gets angry, they will not hear him. Like really hear him. They will not respond, they will not engage appropriately, they will not be appropriately responsive unless he gets angry. And I immediately was like, Well, yeah, like story of my life. Story of my life. And I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to avoid getting angry because I knew I would get in trouble for being angry or expressing anger. Right? Yeah. And then what that did is it caused so much disease in my body and disassociation and trauma and all the things. But then there's this level of anger or rage that can come out. And I feel like this has been reinforced up until I don't know, maybe like six months ago. I think I mentioned this, maybe even on the podcast, and certainly to you ladies, that I got into such a fight with my husband like six months ago, where I was unhinged screaming at him in a way that I have never allowed myself to scream, like this primal, like you hear people talk about like a primal unburdening. Like it was scary. And I think Grace was a joy's for the night, which is what facilitated, right? Because there's no way to like hide that level of unhingedness. Right, right, right. And I remember being in the middle of it and saying to myself, I really love him though. Like, he's not a bad guy, like he's a good guy. This is there's some breakthrough, there's some something that's coming of this, right? There's something that's gonna land. And maybe I just needed to get it out, right? But uh what I'm trying to say when I was like saying I love him, he's a good guy, is even though the anger was so intense coming out of me, I wasn't lost in it. Does that make sense? It didn't go to that, like, he is bad, I am good, this is justified place. It was like, no, but and I love you, and I want us to solve this, and I need you to hear me because I can't keep doing this dance we're doing. And I love you, and you're good, and so am I. And these are just feelings at a really intense level. So I don't know what's your take on all that, Tiffany?

It’s Not About The Remote

SPEAKER_00 4:02

IFS. You know what I mean? Yeah, IFS-wise too. And I feel like so many people come from this place, and even if you can think back in your marriage, but so much marital conflict, cycles of conflict come from two people coming together who, when they fight, and fighting is very necessary, arguing, disagreeing is a very normal part of a relationship. So many people think that it indicates an issue or it indicates toxicity, and that's not necessarily. I think that there can be healthy conflict. The problem arises when you have two people who want to be right and we're not arguing or moving through conflict for a solution. Right. Right. That's the kicker. And so when people come into arguing, they have parts activated. You know what I mean? Like they're exiles or screaming, they either feel abandoned, hurt, upset, unseen, misunderstood. Like so much stuff is getting activated in the system, even over stupid shit that you can argue about. You know, and I had a couple that was arguing about the remote, and finally they kept going back and forth. And I said to them in the middle of the session, guys, it's not about the fucking remote. It's not. Like this goes much deeper than the remote control. Um, and so it's like figuring out those underlying issues, and in every relationship, you will see that in every argument there is a theme. There is a theme. Either I don't matter, or I don't feel heard, or I don't feel seen. There is something that always comes back to the husband and something that always comes back to the wife or whatever partnership you can do. Like core woundedness, whatever, right? Yes, like there's always that that's coming back, and so from a parts perspective, like so much is activated. But I can remember the same thing in my marriage. Like, there was one time where I was very pregnant, and so sure, some of it could have been hormones. We could have said that. Yeah, but he decided to go to a party that night, and so I call the party because I can't get a hold of him on his phone, and the guy tells me, Oh, he just took a bunch of girls out to get alcohol. That's fucking cool. So when he got home that night, all of his shit, his clothes were in our front fucking yard. Like, I got so pissed off. And that's the only time when I felt like I could be heard in my marriage, is when I would become so blackout angry that it was like I would just do dumb shit and I would just start throwing shit and getting like because if not, it was like, oh, this is cute. You have an issue, and I'm not gonna listen.

Suppressed Anger And The “Everybody Breaks” Pattern

SPEAKER_01 6:17

And P.S. One of our favorite remedies that we use for this dynamic is anacardium. Right? It's the everybody breaks remedy. The everybody breaks remedy, right? It's like I suppressed my anger to try to be a good girl till the point that clearly my needs will not be met unless I break, unless I lose it. And that the when we start dropping F bombs on the podcast, it's anacardium state, right? It's that energetic pattern of yeah, like I feel so suppressed, I feel so unhurt, I feel so suppressed that I'm gonna explode. And I think so many women, like that is our lived experience.

IFS: Managers, Firefighters, And Exiles

First Boundaries, First Guilt

SPEAKER_00 7:04

And then there's so much guilt and shame around it, right? So it's like, again, you have this around the anger, yeah. Yeah, like I'm gonna get I'm gonna get science-y for a second. Like, but I'm learning about in my IFS training right now, like this additional education that I'm doing is focusing on addiction and how when you have these issues, it's a polar system. So, in other words, you have a manager, which would be your good girl, who is arguing with a firefighter that is your explosive part, and they are stuck and embroiled, right? So it's like your anger is quite part side of me can't agree on the strategy. Yes. No, and it's like you have one part that's saying, but no, no, no, I have to be good and suppressed. But you have this other part of your system saying, But no, we have to explode because we are so fucking suppressed. Yes, and so they stay in these systems and they stay in these cycles of it, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I remember the first time I told my mom no. I was probably, I don't know, 13 or 14, and I was always a protector for my mom. I always tried to be the good girl and fly under the radar and do all the right things because there was so much going on around us that was chaotic and and crazy. So it was almost like the first time that I told her no, I remember that part of me felt sick. Like I felt disgusted with myself. I felt so ashamed, I felt so much guilt. And then another part of me felt so powerful. And it was like intoxicating. And it became to the point where I was like, ooh, if I draw hard boundaries and I mix that with anger, people are finally seeing me and they're finally listening. So there was a time when I learned that yeah, the only way that I could be heard was out of anger because if I tried to tell people in a calm way what I was feeling, nobody fucking listened. Nobody listened.

SPEAKER_02 8:55

Yeah. I relate to that so much, right? Like he would only hear me when I was breaking, nothing else.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

And I used to tell him or the kids. Oh, the kids.

Parenting Patterns: Kids Only Hear Yelling

SPEAKER_02 9:07

I feel like that's actually been a little bit of a let's okay, let's put it to that. That's been a little bit of the struggle currently in my life is because they would only listen when I was yelling, and I have done so much work. I don't want to, I don't need to yell, I don't want to yell, but then then okay, catch up. Like I am coming to you with an issue that I'm having with you in a calm, very um, very regulated self in self-energy, and you won't freaking pick up your trash off the floor. Like, what is happening? So it's like unlearning those patterns of behavior, your circle unlearning and trying to catch up, right?

SPEAKER_01 9:49

Dawn growls into microphone.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Yeah, but we make jokes about it, right? We make jokes about it about how you know the kids are like to the point where they're melting down because they're like, Why are you yelling at me? It's like because I fucking asked you three times nicely to do it, and now I'm done. I'm done asking you to do it nicely. Right. And I remember that dynamic when Ari was a teenager, not so much anymore, but before it was like, now when I ask her to do something calmly, she goes and does it. But it's like before, it's like they just I don't know. Like, I don't know, but then and then we have some pattern shame around it. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 10:28

It's a habit that I created in my unhealthy state of and it's like the addiction to the drama, right? Like I created this because they it's like they don't even register unless I'm dysregulated and upset. And then it brings this attachment and unlearning all of that that I did to my children. I mean, it's fact.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

But that's why we don't defend ourselves in the moments either, because we feel so much guilt and shame around our reaction that we're not using it as a learning tool to say, look, mom doesn't want to, or as my partner, I don't want to get to this level. I need you to please listen to me when I am calmly telling you what my needs are and not let me get to that level because I don't I'm not being dramatic.

Nervous System Tools And Small Wins

SPEAKER_02 11:17

I'm not being overly sensitive. I'm coming to you with a blind spot or an issue or something that I have on my radar, and I would like to have a confident conversation and you not listen just to respond and defend. Like, let's come together and have a productive, constructive conversation about this so we can grow together.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

Like if we've been in marriages that were primarily defensive, why wouldn't the children of those marriages be also defensive in nature? Right because that's how you got heard, right? 100%. And so then when you think about it, like I think it can feel like such an uphill climb for women. And this is why I wish that everyone would listen to our podcast and do the things, right? Because um, for sure, my kid is crazy defensive. Well, less anymore, right? But our kids have parts, our kids have managers and firefighter parts because our kids have experienced traumas. If we have experienced traumas that led to this relationship trauma, divorce trauma, like of course our kids were along for the ride. They experienced traumas, right? And I know that the further my kid gets in her own healing journey, using remedies, using coaching, right? Like using EFT, tapping, whatever, right? Like helping her learn how to regulate her nervous system. As I become a better mom, right? As I'm more present, as I do more things with her versus assigning things to her, you know, she gets better and she does the thing I asked her to do on the first time. Not always, not always, but it gets better, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:51

Because she still has, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Oh, yeah, for sure. A little independent spirit, like she's yeah, yeah. Well, but then you add a screen to the mix, forget about it. But yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Well, and I feel like that's what the tribe is for too. Like one of the biggest for me, trustfalls that I ever did was sharing Dawn's number with my daughter. Because, you know, like when we did that thing where I now have Dawn's daughter's number, you're you know, her daughter has access to me, my daughter has access to Dawn. Like that was huge for me because it's like me trusting another person to look out for her or to give her insight or wisdom or whatever, which is is but I feel like as women, we also have this pressure to feel like we have to do it all, and that's a lot of times what leads to our anger and frustration because we feel like we're gonna blow and we have to feel like we have to have all of the answers, and that's why Pog said to the village. That's what's in the Yeah, yes, and people don't do that anymore. Like, we don't raise our kids in village-like settings where it's like we allow other women to support us in motherhood. We feel so much pressure to do it all, and that's where I feel like all of this anger gets pent up and it creates pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure, right?

Healing Lag: You Grow, Others Catch Up

SPEAKER_01 13:57

Yeah, that was my Q4 of 2025 major boss babe move, right? Was like, while I was going through that miscarriage and I was so whatever, uh it was yes, I programmed all of these women's phone numbers into my kids' phone. It's like, call these people. If I am not available, call these people.

SPEAKER_02 14:17

Yeah, also the people that right, like it was also um it was also like recognizing people, it wasn't just because you weren't available, yes, you were going through something, but it was also recognizing like why am I repeating these behaviors and and and having her lean on people that can't be there for her, like right.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

It was for sure interrupting also yeah, yeah, you know. It was the whole you look at the whole direction yes of more emotionally available people, people who were willing to fight not just to be right, but would hear her. Yes, yeah, yes, yeah, yeah. Good job, Ma. I know that's one of the things that's so valuable about you know one of her favorite moments every week is when you pick her up from school on Thursdays, right? Because she gets to be with you and the girls and whatever. And that doesn't mean she doesn't come home and didn't have some conflict with one of your kids, whatever. It doesn't matter, right? It's it's it's it doesn't matter. It's her favorite part of the week. Every week, if you ask her, that's usually her answer and her debrief, right? And it's that idea of yeah, community, and she can talk in a way that you know maybe she can't at school or with me or whatever it is, you know, it's like yeah, that outlet to express. But yeah. So how do we right? I know everything's changing. Um how do we navigate this as women when A, like we're trying to heal something that's like, well, they don't hear me unless I'm raging. But it's like still unfortunately true in in places, right? Like the lag of okay, I'm healing, I'm recovering, I'm progressing, but like the people around me are still on lag.

Assumed Goodwill And Better Conversations

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Yeah. What I think if you just my personal experience, and you can correct me if I'm wrong or speak into this, both you and Tiffany, my personal experience, we have as a family, as a unit, the five of us have really just been more open to hearing versus responding. So it's not we're not perfect, and it's definitely a journey. But like when I when I tell my child, my oldest, she's you know, she's a teenager, I haven't mentioned her on the podcast, she's the one that we I class with the most because we're A, we're the same person, and B, she's 13 and trying to figure out who she wants to be outside of what mom says, right? And so being able to look her in the eye and just calmly say, Okay, this is what's happening, this is the way I'm feeling. I under, you know, like how are you feeling in this? And just like the communication aspect has been such a game changer for us because I am for her and I believe that she is for me.

Naming It: Breaking Codependency

Feeling Feelings Versus Outsourcing Pain

SPEAKER_01 17:10

So let's figure this out together because we're assumed goodwill. Assumed goodwill. Yeah. Okay, you just said something so powerful, and you opened actually like an entire podcast series loop just now with what you said. I'll write it down. I'm making a note. Okay. What you're talking about, what you just said, like you know how an entire forest can come from an acorn? Like, that's what you just did. Um there we go. What you're talking about is breaking the bonds of codependency. And what I mean is. Oh god, go ahead. Tiffany had a physical reaction to that one. Because so much of how we function is about suppression of emotion, either mine or yours. Either mine or yours, mine or yours. And then we're functioning with a bunch of fuckers that are also trying to suppress their emotion, theirs and mine. And that is the root of most relationship dysfunction, the suppression of emotion. So just last night, I'm with Grace doing the bedtime thing, whole bedtime confessional thing or whatever, right? And um she ends up like sobbing hysterically about feeling different and all the basic human stuff, right? And you know me, so I got into like statistics and the bell curve and several standard deviations from the norm and all the crap. And I was like, let's say that you at least have it better than 50% of the planet, right? It's not harder to be Grace than it is for 50% of the planet to be themselves, right? It's like, what is all what is the problem that you're actually describing than Grace? And she's like sitting and she's like thinking and she's like trying to figure it out. And I'm like, feelings. You don't want to feel your feelings, you want something outside of you to solve what you're feeling. You want a friend to tell you you're magical, you want the phone, you want something else to relieve your emotional experience, right? And that's it. That is the birthplace of codependency, right? That is I don't want to feel and I don't want you to feel. And so if anybody who has ever questioned what the fuck it means to be codependent, it's I don't want to feel and I don't want you to feel because these feelings are gonna make me uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_02 20:28

And like you just saying that actually brought up another feeling because then I've been so available to my children and so absorbing all of their emotions and wanting to protect them. Now I'm having to work through my guilt of being not so available because like I'm trying to educate them in their right. And so now I'm just like, okay, there's another level for me to work on because they need to be able to regulate their own emotions and face their own emotions, but then I feel like I'm not being as good of a mom, like the you know, like the stories I tell myself, I'm not being as good of a mom. And it's um education and equipping versus controlling and belittling or whatever.

Never Too Late, But Don’t Delay

SPEAKER_01 21:12

I was sitting next to her, I think we were at a restaurant the other day, and I was like sort of in the weeds uh over my chips and salsa, like a something, some backstory. I don't know, from my childhood, I'm sure. And I was like, I was already oh, I was talking to Grace about her Saturn return. I am an insane person, I know. Okay, so your Saturn return is like age 27 to 29 or 30, when whatever you haven't fully dealt with in terms of stepping into adulthood and accountability. So, like everybody pause for a moment and think about what your life was like between 27 and 30. That's when I got divorced, right? Was 30. It was like this culmination of like, here's all the shit you didn't face and you refuse to deal with. Like, you're gonna deal with it now. Um, I started having cluster headaches when I was 27. Anyways, I'm eating my chips and salsa at dinner a few nights ago, and I'm like, it's just that I don't want you to get to your sad in return and not she was like, What?

SPEAKER_00 22:07

But you can't you can't prevent her. Okay, so here's my but that's what I said.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

I was like, Do you I said, Do you think I'm preventing your pain or my pain or both? She goes, All of it. Both.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

Yeah. All of it, right?

SPEAKER_02 22:19

Yeah.

Anger, Overwhelm, And Ownership

SPEAKER_00 22:19

So my whole thing is, and I I feel like a lot of women are gonna feel this way too, right? So when we grow up and we've had heavy childhood trauma or even trauma where we feel like we weren't parented properly by our parents in some form or fashion, the way that we raise our kids creates a codependent relationship because we overdo all the things, right? So it's like even like perfect example for me. I'm gonna throw two things out there, but it's like I'm very cognizant of where this is happening with my daughter. So last night for Super Bowl, I made a dip. I tried to instead of use processed cheese, the Velveeta, I tried to use regular like block cheddar shredded, it was super fresh. Did not turn out well. It turned out like a blob because of course the processed crap melts faster and blah blah blah. So I ended up throwing the entire thing out before anybody got here, and I was just like frustrated and like whatever. She's like over comforting me about the dip. And I'm like, okay, like mom is fine. You know what I mean? But in her mind, it was like she did not want me to be uncomfortable. Another thing is I used to lean out when I now I'd lean in. So in other words, like calling her out on her shit in a very loving way, where I used to just avoid because I didn't want an explosion or I didn't want conflict. Now I will say, hey, I I didn't appreciate this, or hey, this is how I'm feeling about this situation. Um so I I to the people out there that feel like they have these relationships with people, you've got to lean in. You've got to lean in, you cannot lean out. And if people cannot come to the plate for you, that is not your tribe for this season of life right now.

SPEAKER_01 23:53

For this season, well said, well freaking said.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

Yeah, just for the season, right? Like some people have to go on the back burner for a while. And I've had to have very honest conversations with some people in my life, and you know, that's just kind of how I'm feeling. But yes, the codependency shit is real. Um, the pressure to parent and feel like you're coming from a place of codependency. And if I could stop people from doing it early, I would love it because, like I said, my daughter's about to turn 21, and I have just spent the past six months undoing all of the codependent shit we have done the past 20 and a half years. So I would I would really tell women come to the table sooner. Do not recommend this place of waiting until they're an adult and then trying to unprogram. Um, but it's working and we have a great relationship, right? But it it's like yeah, then I look back and I'm like, shit, but I did it wrong, but in the other way, you know, like instead of not being a present parent, I was too present, and yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

That's been my story for sure. But I also want to just speak into the fact that you just said it's too it's too late, or don't wait this long, or whatever. But like I don't I think it's never too late. Like, yes, ideally you catch it, but no matter what age you your children are, it's gonna be hard because you're reprogramming both of your brain maps, right? Like you're you're redoing it. Um, so and how sweet of a story it is that you and Ari are at this stage where you both get to kind of learn and grow in this beautiful relationship and dynamic that you have as an adult daughter, because now as she gets married one day, maybe having children one day, maybe, she's gonna have this really great foundation. So I don't think that it's too late, you know what I mean? Like you did your best until you knew better and now you knew better.

SPEAKER_01 25:55

But don't delay if it's avoidable. That's my point. Don't delay.

SPEAKER_00 25:58

Like, I don't recommend them delaying, right? Because it's much harder, especially when they start having independence. And and thank God she's choosing to turn and lean into me, you know, because yeah, some kids would just be like, F this, I'm not doing this, right?

Closing: Humility, Vulnerability, Unburdening

SPEAKER_01 26:12

No, I literally I have a woman right now in her 80s who is processing her childhood traumas and the traumas associated with being a mom with a daughter who will not soften, right? And so, yeah, it's like how much how much pain do you want to carry through your lifetime, right? So 80s, not too, she's like 85. Uh, it's wild, right? And she's taking her remedies and she's doing her EMDR and all the things, right? But it's painful.

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So no wonder where all of our anger comes from, I guess is my point, because it's almost like, especially with your kids' codependency, feeling all of that pressure, it can suppress, like, you know, like you can just suppress all of that anger and and you know, it's like there there comes this turning point where it's like you've done everything for your kids, and then it starts to backslide because then it's too much and they expect too much, and then it's like you just feel enormous pressure and overwhelm. And something's gotta give.

SPEAKER_01 27:09

I think it's a weird thing, right? But I don't feel safe anymore with people who refuse to feel like that's the dance my husband and I do. Like, you want to know what the fight was about, where I was like losing my mind, right? It's like whatever thing he does to suppress his emotions, and for him, it's usually like getting super even more cerebral than me, right? Or trying to solve problems I didn't ask him to solve, or like overworking or whatever. I don't know. But it's like that's the deal, is all of a sudden now if I'm not in relationships where we can feel safe feeling, it doesn't feel good anymore. Yeah, it doesn't feel good anymore.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

Yeah, for me it's ownership. Like if people come to the table with it. Yeah, because like I can't. Don't just tell me you're fine. Oh gosh, don't just tell me it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 27:56

I can't, right? And I I mean I know I still struggle with it. Super short. Yeah. I can't. If you're not willing to come to the table, I don't really have a lot left for you.

SPEAKER_01 28:06

That's the hope of on a prayer, right? The hope of on a prayer is like, thank you. I'm sorry, I love you. What's the fourth thing? I don't know, but that's it, right? It's like the ability to have humility and vulnerability. Yeah, it's the key to oh, yeah. Unburdening. Awesome. All right, loves. Thank you for joining us in today's episode of Behind the Mic. They only hear me when I'm angry. We love you so much. Peace.com