326. Why So Many Divorced Women Don’t Trust Their Own Intuition

Many divorced women quietly carry the same fear:

“What if I can’t trust my own judgment?”

After a relationship ends, it’s common to question everything — your choices, your instincts, even your ability to recognize what’s healthy and what isn’t.

But for many women, that loss of self-trust didn’t start in the marriage.

It started much earlier.

In this premium coaching episode, Tiffini works with one of our members to explore a pattern many women recognize but struggle to name: the tendency to override intuition and rely on discipline, logic, and control instead.

When you grow up in environments where your inner knowing was ignored, dismissed, or contradicted, you often learn to survive by becoming hyper-responsible, hyper-disciplined, and hyper-analytical.

Those strategies can help you function.

But they can also slowly disconnect you from the quiet voice inside that knows what’s true.

In this powerful IFS-informed coaching session, you’ll hear one woman begin to uncover how her childhood experiences shaped her relationship with intuition — and how those patterns later showed up in adulthood, relationships, and divorce recovery.

Together, they explore how protective parts like perfectionism, over-discipline, and self-analysis develop as survival strategies… and what begins to shift when intuition is invited back into the decision-making process.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly searching outside yourself for answers — books, advice, podcasts, or systems — this conversation may resonate deeply.

Because rebuilding your life after divorce isn’t just about making better decisions.

It’s about learning how to trust yourself again.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why many divorced women struggle to trust their intuition
• How childhood environments can disconnect women from their inner guidance
• The survival strategies that develop when intuition isn’t safe to trust
• How discipline and over-analysis can become protective parts
• Why rebuilding self-trust is a central part of divorce recovery

This coaching session is available exclusively to our premium members.

If you’ve ever wondered why trusting yourself feels so hard — or why you find yourself constantly searching outside yourself for answers — the deeper conversations inside the premium feed are where we explore these patterns in real time.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn

Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)

Instagram: (@coachtiffini)

On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com

A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.

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Transcript

Divorce, Intuition, And Self-Trust

SPEAKER_00 0:00

One of the most confusing wounds women carry into divorce is the feeling that they can't trust themselves. So you compensate, you analyze everything, you read every book, you build the perfect routine, and then try to become disciplined enough to finally feel safe and secure. But sometimes the reason you don't trust your intuition is actually because you spent your childhood being told your intuition was wrong. And when that happens long enough, something inside you learns to go quiet. In today's premium episode, you're going to hear a coaching session between Coach Tiffany and one of our premium listeners about what it looks like when that voice finally starts coming back online. Hi, love. Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence. I'm your host, Don Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorce guy. Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.

The Stoic Manager And Discipline

SPEAKER_01 1:18

So welcome in today. How are you? It's good to be here. I'm excited. I'm a nervous, of course. Awesome. Awesome. Very, very understandable. All right. So let's talk about the part that you want to focus on today. So this is going to be a manager part that is kind of rare. And it was funny because when you sent this over to me originally and you were like, this is the part that I want to work on. I looked at that and I was like, whoa, that's been me most of my life. And I think that when I'm running through IFS with clients, this is the one that they don't normally choose. But I feel like this is so true for so many people. So this manager is known as the stoic. And so this is the part of you that feels like they have to hold it all together and not feel too much and just keep moving. So tell me about how you feel like this part shows up for you in your daily life now.

SPEAKER_02 2:11

Well, I am kind of perpetually in survival mode. Especially I have like a lot of financial scarcity stuff going on. I have issues with my kids. And where I run is the discipline, not with like the kids, but with within myself. I feel like if I can just be better, if I can just get all these routines perfect, if I can have the perfect morning routine and self-discipline, then everything's going to be easier, everything will be better, everything. Especially with my fine finances, everything's a mess because I'm not disciplined. And I think I use that manager to you know to manage that, of course.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Yeah. So definitely it's a manager that helps protect you against overwhelm, shame, and also vulnerability. So I would ask you in your life now, how vulnerable do you feel like you can be with people that are in your circle?

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Not at all. Um I think I went there was a time where I was overly vulnerable to a point where it was hurting me. And then a switch flipped, and I went way to the other direction. And I think I have like one friend that I feel I could be vulnerable with, and that is it. I I don't have family. Um, the well, the very little family I have, I can't be vulnerable with them. And so that that is definitely an issue that I've recognized that I just can't be vulnerable with people anymore.

SPEAKER_01 3:53

Mm-hmm. So talk to me a little bit about the experiences you had when you were younger, where you felt like you had to hold it all together, like you were the one who had to be the adult in the room.

Childhood Roots Of Going Numb

SPEAKER_02 4:07

And that's where I'm a little maybe maybe it's a different part that gets activated there. In my childhood, it was I had to stay away. I had to stay in my room. I wasn't allowed to play or be a kid, really. Um I bothered the adults in the home. I was raised by my grandparents. My mother was in and out, not really there. And my mom decided to start being a mom kind of again around 15. And she would leave me alone for weeks upon weeks by myself at the house. And so I had to take care of myself. I had to go to school. There wasn't an option of, you know, I never like got in trouble if I skipped school, and there's no way she would find out, but still, I guess in my mind, I wanted to be the good kid. I didn't want to like get in trouble, or I was scared she would find out. So I always took care of myself. I went to school, I did all the things that I needed to do. So yeah, that that is probably a way that showed up in my my childhood.

Meeting The Stoic In Visualization

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Yeah. Okay. All right. So let's start tapping into this manager part. So, what I want you to do is I want you to close your eyes and just take a couple deep breaths for me. And when you feel like you're grounded and ready, just let me know and we'll get started. Okay. Okay. So I want you to imagine yourself in a place that makes you feel very safe and happy. And when you're there, I want you to describe for me where you are.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

I have a hard time with that.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Some of my clients pick a fictional place. Okay. I've been known to go to the field in twilight. A very safe place for me.

SPEAKER_02 6:03

Oh, okay. Yeah, I I would say on a cruise, on the top deck there, overlooking the ocean.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Okay. All right. So I want you to imagine that you are on that top deck of the cruise and you happen to look over, and your stoic part is sitting next to you. Can you describe for me what they look like physically?

SPEAKER_02 6:31

They're very slender and fit and like dressed in like very prim and proper clothes, and has like an iPad and like a phone with like all my schedules and everything organized.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

Okay. And how do you feel about sitting next to her? Pretty uncomfortable. Like, go away. I'm on vacation. Like how is she reacting to you right now? She's just kind of staring at me, waiting for me to get up and do something.

SPEAKER_02 7:11

How old would you say she is?

SPEAKER_01 7:14

Oh she's older. She's in her 30s. Okay. Where do you notice her in your body? My shoulders. Okay. And is she okay having a conversation with us today? Yes. Okay. Does she know how long she's been with you? No. Like a long time, but nothing definitive. Okay. And how did she get her job as your stoic part?

SPEAKER_02 7:55

They just they would notice that I would get upset or cry when I would get in trouble as a kid. And it was just always like it felt better to like be productive.

SPEAKER_01 8:10

And so what is that part's purpose or role in your life right now?

SPEAKER_02 8:18

I feel like I'm not gonna get to like the next stage of my life and of healing unless I'm very disciplined. And I know everything and I have all the knowledge that it takes. So like that's where like I have a hard time thinking that my stoic part is a bad part. And I know there are no no actual bad parts, but I do see where sometimes it gets out of hand.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

Okay. How effective does she feel like she did her job when you were younger? And how about now as an adult?

SPEAKER_02 9:03

That's where I think sometimes it is overly protective.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

And then if she didn't have her job, what else would she rather be doing?

SPEAKER_02 9:17

I don't know. Like if the stoic part wasn't a stoic part.

SPEAKER_03 9:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

She would be like more social and like connect with people.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

So what is she ultimately afraid of is gonna happen if she doesn't do her job?

SPEAKER_02 9:39

Um I stay stuck. Stuck in like this pain and this life situation that I'm not happy with. And I'm just gonna keep getting hurt or keep getting keep self-sabotaging.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

And what's the fear there? If you stay stuck and keep getting hurt, what does that ultimately mean?

SPEAKER_02 10:08

I think it means I'm gonna have to depend on my family. I'm not gonna be like a grown woman. I'm gonna be financially dependent on other people. My children aren't gonna be proud of me.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

Is the feeling more like trapped or being a disappointment?

SPEAKER_02 10:34

I'll be able to prove to my mom that she was wrong. To my family that they're wrong.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Okay. If you ask this part, what is it most concerned about keeping safe for you or in order for you?

SPEAKER_03 10:54

I don't know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

Try not to dissociate. Yeah, no, it's it's difficult. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When we start tapping in deep, yeah, we want to lose it.

SPEAKER_03 11:05

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Yep, that's perfectly normal. Let me ask something different. What does she want for you at the end of the day?

SPEAKER_02 11:18

Freedom. Freedom from like my my family. Financial freedom, time freedom, just agency, just being able to make my own decisions without having to worry about finances or how you know if I'm gonna have to need something from somebody.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

What else does she want you to know about what she went through when you were younger?

SPEAKER_02 11:58

That I can make my own choices, that I can make my own decisions, that I'm smart, I have information, I have everything I need, and how the people acted when I was young, it was wrong. And I knew it.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Are there specific situations or people now in your life that make her job feel more urgent?

SPEAKER_03 12:22

Yeah.

unknown 12:23

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:26

And how does she show up for you now? Like what strategies or behaviors does she rely on?

SPEAKER_02 12:32

Trying to control quite a bit. Cold and strategic. Just like a lot of like structure. Specifically, my mother's living with me, and I'm very much trying to control her or keep her from hurting me, continuing to hurt me. And maybe they're not even all that harsh, they're just I feel like it's what's necessary. But I also feel like there's gotta be a better way.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

How does that part react when she feels challenged or ignored?

SPEAKER_02 13:25

Angry, but also like frantically looking for solutions, like I will just try to like read more or listen to different podcasts, or trying to frantically find like an answer outside of myself.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

In what ways does she feel like she would love to be able to show up differently for you?

SPEAKER_02 13:54

Control less. Or just know like when she can step back.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

How often does she feel like she needs to step in and take control now?

SPEAKER_02 15:19

Lately it's it's been quite a bit. It's quite a bit. I'm getting better. Like I've been recognizing it. I've been kind of recognizing it and trying to calm that peace down. But at the same time, like it is getting activated quite a bit.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

How do you feel like life would feel if she just stopped doing her job for a while?

Shifting From Logic To Intuition

SPEAKER_02 15:51

I'd be scared, like that's where like perfectionist art comes in too, or like if I don't if I don't like I just kind of like go with the flow and I don't do things in a way that uses like tools that I've learned that I feel like I'm off track or like something may fall apart. I may forget something, or I may revert to an old pattern.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Um what do you feel like she needs from you to feel like she doesn't have to work so hard?

SPEAKER_02 16:33

Using my intuition more where maybe all the decisions don't have to be logical and be okay with following my intuition instead of like using knowledge or logic. Feeling like confident and safe enough to do that.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

Yeah. And if that part could trust you a little bit more, what would she want you to do a little bit differently?

SPEAKER_02 17:03

Slowing down and kind of like feeling situations more instead of just immediately jumping to like analyzing a situation logically and just kind of feel for like what my guiding like principles are, figure out like what I really want and using that as a guide instead of the things that that part does.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Is there anything that you want that part to know?

SPEAKER_02 17:39

That she's been very helpful and I think she serves me well. But I guess sometimes logic can like run rampant and not like it causes me to overanalyze, and it's sometimes not helpful.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

If there's anything that you want to say internally, I would just have you go ahead and do that now. And then whenever you feel like you're ready to come out, you can go ahead and open your eyes. Okay. Okay. So just take a deep breath for me, and then what's coming up for you after that?

SPEAKER_02 18:29

I do think like I'm getting ready to like use my intuition more and like my internal guidance instead of like overnight overlides over-analyzing all of the time, and basically that's it, is I over-analyze, and I'm always feeling like, oh, if I just stick to this discipline inside, let me rephrase that. So inner discipline, I think, is is serving me, but I think I need to do it in a more intuitive way.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Yeah. I'd be curious to what your human design says about how you're supposed to make decisions, because if you're supposed to make decisions based on gut and intuition and you're using the more logical brain, clearly, like you're going against your design in your decision making.

SPEAKER_02 19:20

Uh Don's pulled it before. I'm a generator. Yeah, I'd have to look. I pulled one offline. I don't think it was the right, like the same one you guys use. And I didn't know how to read it. I sent it to Don. I'm like, tell me thanks.

obriety, Gaslighting, And Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 19:34

Read this. Yeah. So also, like, something that it seems like is coming up too is you know, your stoic manager, she's got besties. And it seems like one of the besties that she loves is your self-sabotaging manager, and probably your perfectionist. They probably are a trio together, they probably work very closely together. And then I feel like this part of you is is protecting a younger part. Um, and that's why I was trying to get at whether it was trapped or the wanting or being a disappointment. But when you say that your part is craving freedom and autonomy, that would tell me that you have a very young exile that felt trapped.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

And I can't imagine, like you said, if you were staying home for weeks at a time when mom was gone and you were having to kind of hold down the fort. I can't imagine how how trapped you were feeling in those situations of like, I can't leave. I don't have a choice to leave. I'm stuck here. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 20:38

Yeah. I just I recently in like the last few months, I got I had a little over dependence on cannabis. So I've been sober for 45 days or so now. And that's where like I feel like things have literally clarified in my um, I think the stoic helped me there. But I also can't use that as like my identity. Like, I still want to use my intuition and my inner guidance. But there is like a part that is like an exile, something going on there, and I just like realized in the last couple months where I was young and the things being told to me when I was little, I knew deep down they were lying, like they didn't mean it. And I never knew, and I think that's that's the thing that that you know, with working with Dawn, she's always says that I do this thing where I don't trust my inner guidance. I just don't. I always go with logic or I use books, I use other things instead of trusting my gut.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Yeah. And that's a huge part of IFS and women healing and divorce because what we see so much is that women are reaching for things outside of them instead of trusting that they have everything they need inside of them for their own healing, you know?

SPEAKER_02 22:04

This big thing happened where I realized like all along I like I had these migraines, I had headaches, I had all these horrible, you know, these things. It's because like I was being kind of gaslit my whole life. Like basically my mother would always tell me she wanted me and on all this stuff. And she she didn't. Like I now know that very, very clearly now, as like, and I know that to this day, it's it's a it's a narcissist, something going on with her, you know.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

Right.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

And all of that, but I it didn't like click for me quite. But that's why I have such a hard time trusting myself, is because I was growing up being told one thing and knowing in my gut that it was wrong. And they they were true.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Yeah. There's an exiled part that might be ring true for you, but it's called the disillusioned exile. And it's kind of somebody who was like sold bullshit their entire life by parents, whether they were in abusive relationships or They were made promises that never came to fruition. Like they just could never trust anybody else in the room. So there's definitely, I think, some of that that's going to ring true for you. I'm curious though, your part is clearly asking for you to use your intuition and slow down, right? Um, and feel into things instead of jumping. So I'm curious if you were to lean into intuition and things that you have felt over the past 45-ish days now that you're sober, what are some changes that your gut is telling you that you need to make intuitively?

SPEAKER_02 23:43

And like I they keep telling me that they're so hard to like do, and I keep having that struggle, you know, of having a hard time, you know, talking myself out of it or finding all the reasons why I shouldn't.

SPEAKER_01 23:57

If you could just say fuck it and just trust the intuition that's in your gut in the last 45 days, name me a few big decisions that you would just say, fuck it, zero fucks. I'm doing it. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

She didn't take care of me when I was a kid. And I don't feel that I should be guilted into taking care of her now.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

That's big. That's big. And when you feel that in you right now, what feelings does that bring up when you envision telling her to get the fuck out?

SPEAKER_02 24:39

I do go through that struggle of like, is this right? Is that the best thing? Like, what kind of daughter would do that? She is sick. Where would she go? She can't take care of herself.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

Yeah. What other decisions would you just throw out?

Micro Experiments And Listener Invitation

SPEAKER_02 25:01

I've been trying to do like the whole content creation thing, and something's not working there, and I feel like something's holding me back. And I need to like I need to like really let myself be myself, but I'm scared.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

Yeah, yeah. So you can see like all these areas, right? When we're not trusting our decision-making authority, when we're allowing, and again, all the managers in IFS, all the parts are welcome. The problem when they become a little bit too loud is when we do it out of urgency. So when the stoic manager steps in out of urgency because they're trying to shut down emotions, that's when the parts become a little bit too far on the other side of the spectrum, and we need to try to shut it down. But the stoic, when she's working at her best, she can provide excellent discipline. The problem is she's going overboard with you. And so now it's creating a shitstorm of other stuff where you're just putting up walls. You describe yourself as cold, right? Like we're just not trusting anyone. We're just sitting over here on this side of the room. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, if I was gonna tell you anything, I would definitely tell you to number one, definitely pull that human design. But number two, I would definitely send you a little bit of journaling and micro experiments to start toying with little things that you could do to start trusting your intuition. That makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 26:30

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

Well, I thank you for being on here and being brave and stepping up. And if any of our premium members, if you want to sit in the hot seat, shoot me a DM, let me know, send us an email. We want to hear from you.