364. One Day, This Could Be You | What Building Secure Attachment Actually Feels Like

Secure attachment isn't a feeling you suddenly arrive at.

It's something you build.

It's discovering that you can be overwhelmed, uncertain, emotional, imperfect... and still let yourself lean on other people.

In this week's After the Mic, we're reflecting on what happened during our annual A Different D Word retreat—not because we want you to wish you had been there, but because we want you to know what's possible.

We talk about what it was like to be held by a room full of women while also holding space for each other. How healing changes when it happens in relationship instead of isolation. And why the deepest transformation often comes from experiencing something your nervous system has never had before.

This isn't an episode about having the perfect weekend.

It's about what happens when women practice trusting, receiving support, repairing after hard moments, laughing until they cry, and discovering they don't have to carry everything by themselves anymore.

If you've ever wondered what practicing secure attachment actually feels like...

This conversation is a glimpse.

You can't think your way into healing 🥵 You have to practice your way there 👭If you're ready for the next step, learn more about  A Different D Word and apply here ✨

Transcript

Post-Retreat Tea And First Reactions

SPEAKER_03 1:39

Are you ladies ready to spill the tea on what retreat week was like for us after the fact? Bring it a full circle. We shared our pre-retreat thoughts and feelings. These are our post-retreat reflections.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Everybody asked me what it was like. Like my friends, you know, and like my fan ban, they were like, how was it? And like the only words I can use is like fucking magical. Like that's all I can come up with for words. That's it.

SPEAKER_03 2:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

That's all I'm telling everybody. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:11

Magical.

What Dear Divorce Diary Is

SPEAKER_03 2:18

Hi, love. Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave, and build back your confidence. I'm your host, Don Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer, and divorcee. Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.

Team Cohesion And Feeling Held

SPEAKER_03 2:48

What was the magic for you personally?

SPEAKER_00 2:53

I feel like it was a lot of things, but boiled down to the way that we worked as a team, the three of us. It was so cohesive. We were so on. We were so in tune with each other, so supportive of what each of us needed that weekend to support and be able to hold space for not only them, but each other. And I think that we had these beautiful moments as a team where we were also away from the group that really solidified our connection, vulnerability, closeness, experience, like all of the things, right?

SPEAKER_02 3:25

What we've been cultivating.

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Yeah. So like for me, it was like holy shit, like there, I just felt incredibly seen held, like felt like I could also support you guys. Like I felt so much in self the whole weekend.

Returning To Myrtle Beach With New Meaning

SPEAKER_00 3:39

You know, the other piece for me, and I talk about this going back to Myrtle, you know, Myrtle was, you know, Myrtle held close to 15 years of my life. And so going back there. Yeah, right. Like going back there last year, the first year we had the retreat, I purposely went a little bit before too, because I felt like I there were things I needed to process. Um, but this year it felt completely different and it shifted the way that I viewed it there and saw it as a place of like, you know, this place healed me. It contributed to a big part of it. And I wrote an email about that last week too to our online community about how impactful that was. And so to know that that city that healed me also has an impact on other women's healing and as part of their chapters is so incredibly special for me. Like it's just like fuck, like it was so it was so good. And I found myself again not being in such a hurry to leave this time and escape. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:37

We did that totally differently this year, right? Like hung together the last morning and packed it up together. And yeah. Yeah. Your Myrtle Beach container, your divorce container, you got to share it with other women also. Yeah. Just share your container. That's pretty cool. It's pretty cool if you think about it.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

I don't really have anything other than what Tiffany said because it really was just that amazing, right? Like I could just say ditto and be done. But like the way we worked as a team and the way we um we were very succinct, like we worked as one and we could pick up without words what was happening around the room or with within each other. I just feel like there's what we've accomplished with the the team that we have is just so beautiful and so unique because we do get to hold space for each other, but also for ourselves. And you know, there's there's a lot of a lot of times where Don will just say, Tell me what you need, like what do you need? Um, say what you need, ask for what you need. And I think we just being in person, there's such a different vibe um and energy

Why In-Person Energy Hits Different

SPEAKER_01 5:56

that we get to exchange and like um kind of kind of um riff off of um each other. That yeah, so like we get to being in person, right?

SPEAKER_03 6:12

That that energy riffing. It's like the difference between having a virtual therapy practice versus an in-person practice. There are such pros and cons and whatnot, right? But like, wow, it's so powerful. The power of being in person with each other and with our women, it is, it's an energy meld or yeah, it's momentum. It creates more energetic momentum, right? It's beautiful. So thank goodness for the technology. But yeah, the momentum of energy, and that's like what you know, spiritually also, right? Like when you combine energy fields, you have a like we're better together, right? We're stronger together. Yeah, for sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

And I I think for me it showed me like you always know, right? But again, because we do this virtually, it's different than being in person. But watching the two of you step into like true gifts, knowing that all of us were literally acting out of design that weekend and there was no substitute. Like we were each there for a specific role with these women and a specific role in this team. And it's like watching everybody step into their intended design and literally be in self and just flow the whole weekend. And then again, like Joy said, be able to literally just glance at each other and know what the other needed without any words, just that level of intuition as a team and connectedness was like fucking amazing. Like it was just great. I left there feeling like, holy shit, like this is this is really good. We have we have leveled up this weekend.

SPEAKER_03 7:41

You know, I mean that everything was easy, right? There were plenty of no that were hard. Right. Yeah, yeah. So I'm not trying to make it sound like it was all chocolate chip cookies.

Intuition, Pivots, And Mirror Messages

SPEAKER_03 7:53

Uh-huh. Those were there too. I had they were. I had a remarkable sense that like everything we needed was being presented or provided. Like, you know, down to like very silly little things. You know, we ended up writing mirror messages on like every single mirror in their um apartment right there, little condo. And that was like such a last-minute decision that wasn't calculated or planned. Like now, obviously, it gets included, right? But like everything from like how to meet the women with their needs clinically to like those fun little pieces, like having hot pink dry raise markers. I don't know, everything just showed up at the moment. It felt like everything just showed up at the moment it was needed.

SPEAKER_02 8:38

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 8:38

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. It was magical. That's and as well as we planned it, there were so many unexpected, unplanned things that were super beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 8:53

Super beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

I think those were probably my most favorite because you can you can plan, but your ability, Don's ability to like pivot and know exactly what this woman in particular needs at this moment to move whatever's on top. Um, that was so fun. It was fun for me to watch, right? Like, um, and not not that I was just like a a watch, but like No, I could only do it because the two of you were backing me so seamlessly.

SPEAKER_03 9:26

Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

That was fun.

SPEAKER_00 9:30

That's the thing, right? Like we were all managing ourselves, right? Like we were all able to manage ourselves and support. And so it it really made us feel free to be able to really lean into our gifts and intuition of what we felt like the room needed or what particular women needed at certain times. And oh my God, it was it was just so fun. It was so fun. And I left not feeling depleted. I left feeling I was tired, I'm not gonna lie, right? Like it was a long weekend, but I did not leave feeling depleted. I left feeling like inspired, hopeful, especially for the future of this program, the future women that are gonna work with us. Like, and for these women, I was just like, oh shit. Like it was just it was pretty amazing.

Destiny Cohort And A Tailored Program

SPEAKER_03 10:10

No, that conversation we had on the balcony because we name each cohort, right? And the first cohort was dream, and we're like, oh, this is our dream to have this program and to work with women. And this cohort this year is destiny. Like, so feeling like, okay, this is our destiny. And the next cohort that we're getting ready to open enrollment for is divine. And then we're like, oh crap, what is divinity gonna look like?

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wild. It's exciting, and I think that what makes us so special is that you can compare even our last cohort to this one, and it's so individualized. Everything down to the group coaching, like they don't get the same treatment. It's based on whatever the group needs, whatever individuals need. Like it's a very tailored, customized program. It's certainly not a rinse and repeat, and I think there was a to go deep, right?

SPEAKER_03 11:07

We go AF, yes. And so it has to be because you know, you can get a surface level transformation when everybody's experiencing the same thing, but to get a depth of transformation or to the depth of feeling seen or supported or safety, right? To access deep safety, those uh resources have to be attuned. That's what is at the core, right? Of secure attachment is attuned connection. And yeah, that comes from that individualized piece for sure. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 11:41

Yeah, yeah.

Sleepover Energy, Dry Fun, And Next Steps

SPEAKER_03 11:44

The surprise dance parties and karaokeing.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

That was fun. Oh my gosh.

unknown 11:49

So good.

SPEAKER_03 11:50

All the chick sleepover stuff too, like the last night with the eye cream and the oh my god, that last night was insane.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Like when we were already in the one bedroom. Yeah, we were all in the one bedroom, and I was just like, oh my God.

unknown 12:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:06

We're on a full-on lady sleepover.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

Like well, and I warned on. I'm like, look, after 10 p.m., my professional mouth goes out of the window. So like I start getting tired. And so like we were just saying the craziest shit. And like, but I think again, it like it gives the women a look like we're people. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. And like it, it's yeah, the things that we can share with them in the behind the scenes stuff is, I think, super fun for them too to be like, you know, getting to know us more on a deeper level rather than just, you know, what they see on the pot or what they see in session. Right.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

And I came home with my little skincare on my go. You know, like the skincare. I came home to the package that was there. And oh, the new every night when I put my little skincare on. I think of my ladies. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:52

And a completely dry weekend, right? No substances and the amount of fun that was had. Like people who struggle having fun had fun. Like it it was just, yeah. And again, not that it was always easy. That is not what I'm trying to convey.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

But yeah. Yeah.

unknown 13:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:09

Beautiful. Well, we're already planning for next year, thinking about what we're gonna change, what we're not gonna change, um, toying around with different ideas, and obviously some of that will be dialed in when we meet the next cohort of women. But it's very exciting.

How To Join The Next Cohort

SPEAKER_03 13:27

All right, darlings. If you are curious about joining a different D word, send us a message in Harpy. We want to hear from you. We love you so much. Peace.