The Mind Body Project
The Mind Body Project
Sit & Talk: From Resolutions To Results: Three Mistakes Blocking Real Change
We explore why change so often stalls and how to build habits that stick by focusing on identity, setting specific targets, and choosing training over trying. Practical stories and examples show how discipline bridges the gap between motivation and success.
• defining change through who we want to become
• why behavior-only focus backfires
• turning identity into small daily actions
• setting measurable goals with clear targets
• maps, GPS and finish line analogies
• the trap of “try” versus the power of training
• discipline as the bridge from motivation to success
• real-world examples of consistency and grit
• recap and a challenge to apply the framework
Welcome to Sit and Talk. Thank you so much for joining us today. If this is your first time to sit and talk, we just share a growth topic every week. I mean sit and talk as we join our live call and share with those on the live call as they might have questions and thoughts as we go along. And so you'll hear them answering and some discussions as we go. So again, thank you for joining us on sit and talk and let's join the live call. All right, so we'll get started. So has has anybody ever made any mistakes? No. No, never. Never, never. I thought I did once, but I was mistaken. Yes. You asked this group that? Come on. That I know. And I know most of you probably had made a mistake. So we're gonna talk about if you do ever make a mistake, we're gonna talk about three of the biggest mistakes you make when it comes to change. I think when I sent out what we're talking about, it was just said the three biggest mistakes we make. And those can cover a lot of things. Because chances are you probably even made a mistake today. So, but we're gonna talk about so many times when we get ready to change, we do these things that we're gonna talk about, and they're three of the biggest ones that we do, and which prevents us from changing. What happens as we come up on the new year? What is everybody want to do come January 1st? Make a change. Go on a diet, exercise, go on a diet, make a resolution. Yeah, all those things. They all want to make resolutions. I want to, it's it's time to change. And and and it may be, you may have some of those New Year's resolutions. You may be one of those. Hopefully, as we talk, we talk about how New Year's resolutions aren't the greatest thing. They're not really good at all, because they typically do fail by you know by February. You're really lucky if you're making it until March. But it's because on December 31st, you're one way, and then on January 1st, well, usually it's probably January 2nd because you can't do anything on actually New Year's Day because it's a holiday, so you can't start on a holiday. No, but on January 2nd, you expect it, whatever that changes to be, to be a 180, completely different. And, you know, maybe it's to stop eating junk food, stop drinking, stop snoozing the alarm, whatever it is, you just expect it to stop. I mean, it doesn't work that way. So we're gonna talk about as we, you know, not just to the new year, but hopefully we're always looking to see how do we want to make change, how do we want to change? Because I always think about change, you know, especially in politics. They'll they'll talk about the politician, what they did 20 years ago, and then and then they get just blasted for it. What if you got exposed what you did 20 years ago or 30 years, if what you did in high school was still, you know, blasted against you today? That'd be kind of like, ugh. Because but somehow we think, well, I can change, but I they you know, a politician can't change. And I'm not saying they can or can't, but um that's usually our thought is oh well, they're probably that same way, which we wouldn't want people to think that about us. Um, so one of the one of the big mistakes we make, um, and and just people in general, and and we can look at January New Year's resolutions and see this. Um, they focus on the behavior they want to change. So the behavior is I want to stop overeating. Um, the behavior is I want to stop being lazy. The behavior is um I don't want to uh go out and party and blackout three times a week. That's the behavior. Um, and and typically that's what the focus is on is the behavior. Um instead, we have to focus on the person we want to become. So who what does, you know, the person that um doesn't overeat, what does that person look like? What do they do? Um, how do they act? How do they talk? Um, you know, what are they doing? The person that um is fit, you know, they just don't start going to the gym two days a week, but what what do they do? How do they uh what do you what do they look like? Um the person that's not going out and drinking two to three nights a week and blacking out two or three nights a week, what do they look like? Who who are they? Um so we we focus on um the person we want to become. Uh so we you know, instead of asking, what do I want to do? We ask, what kind of person do I want to become? Sometimes it's I want to be nicer. Well, that's a behavior. Being nice is behavior, so we more focus on the person we want to become. Who is it we want to be? And and those behaviors are part of that person. So when we when we decide what person we want to be, and we talk about really we talk about our future self. What does our our future self look like? And our future self is made up of a bunch of behaviors. So when we focus on that one behavior of I don't want to overeat, then you know, we overeat, we feel guilty, we fall off the wagon, we get hungry, um, we need a snack, we're at an event and they have a buffet and it looks good, and we eat. So, so that's just behavior. But what if if we're looking at the person that we want to become? Is you know, it's a healthy person. They eat to fuel. That person works out, they work um equally on their mental well-being as they do their physical well-being. And so all those things start to go into play when we we look at that behavior. So as many of you know, one of my big life goals is to speak live to 20,000 people. Um, that's one of my big life goals. Is you know, it's one of those things. If I stand there on the stage and do that, I'll think, wow, this is it. Um, I hit a goal. But there's certain behaviors that I think about that I need to work on. But really, my focus is really on who is that person standing on the stage? What does he look like? What does he do? It goes from I think about you know how he's dressed, what shoes is he wearing. They're gonna be really cool shoes. You know, how does he look? How does he present himself? How does he speak? What words is he using, the tone of voice, the volume, all those things go into that person. And so when I think about those, that's one of the that's the person I think about. Is he eating better? Is he exercising? Because he's gonna have to, you know, is he gonna be able to keep up the energy? So all of those, then I can focus on the different behaviors, but it's going towards the person I want to become. So if if we don't start with the identity, who is this person? Then the behavior isn't likely to last very long. It's not going to stick around. But if you can, maybe it's just a certain size you want, maybe it's maybe it's a certain type of person you want to be. Maybe you want to be a nice, bubbly, happy person, uh, maybe a little easier going, more agreeable. Or maybe you want to be one that maybe you're too agreeable, maybe you need to be a little bit more bold, stand up for yourself a little bit more, um, be confident. So, what does that look like? And what changes need to be involved to do that? So, when we look at the person we want to become, it's easier to start working on those different behaviors. Because again, when we when we work on changing the behavior, is it easy to start eating better? Honestly, it's not very easy. Is it always easy to start going to the gym? No, no, it's not very easy. If you're not naturally a nice person, is it easy to be nice? No, no, if you're easily angered, is it does it take work to not be easily angered? Yes, yes, it so all of this takes work and it takes time. So you have to focus on that person you want to become and keep working on it a little bit at a time. So, what kind of person do I want to become? Not the behavior, not the individual behavior, that will come later. But the first thing is what kind of person do I want to become? Whether that's uh fit and healthy, a sharp dresser, a nicer person, a more spiritual person, a less emotional person, all the different things. I mean, whatever you want to be, you have to identify that first, and then you start working on the behaviors. And so the next one is we don't always set clear specific goals or targets. So I have a talk that it's talk, it talks about the arrows and target that the air that the target attracts the arrows. So, in other words, if your target is aligned with your arrows, your arrows are gonna be drawn to that target. That target is your goal, it's your clear specific goal. And so anything you do is driven towards that target. So if you if you say I want to make more money, that's a goal, right? So if a customer comes in and goes, that is$299, I'm gonna go ahead and give you three bucks today. You just made more money. Goal achieved. If it as I want to lose some weight, then you lost an eighth of a pound, you lost some weight. You so I want to wear smaller clothes, and so you get one size down. That's a goal. I mean, it but we have to make it measurable. So every goal has to be measurable to be a clear and specific goal, it has to be measurable. I want to make X amount of money more this year, I want to get down to a size medium, I want to wear this size of pants. So it has to be really specific because we have to be able to measure it. Because we can't measure it, we can't tell if we hit it or not. And we have to be able to define it and it gives us direction. If you go on a road trip and you don't know where you're going, what do you usually use? Maps, a map, and what's even a better way than just the old map that we used to use? Oh, GPS. GPS is even even better because those maps can be a year or two old and they didn't have all the detours and construction and all that. But we use a GPS. But if we don't know where we're going, we don't ever just get in the car and just start driving in that direction somehow. Because what chances are gonna happen if you don't know where you're going and you just know it's north, south, west, or east, what's gonna happen if you just go in the general direction? You'll get somewhere, you'll get somewhere. And I mean, I mean, if if your goal is to get somewhere, you you will get somewhere. But if your goal is to get to a certain location, you're never gonna get there unless you input on the GPS or look on the map and circle it and say, this is where I'm going. I'm going to point, I'm leaving point A and going to point B. So we have to be really clear and specific with those goals. And we have to, and sometimes even when we say clear, sometimes they're just kind of mumbled. We kind of have a general idea, but it's not real specific. And the more specific we are, the more we can work towards it. I was just listening to a conversation today, and a guy was talking about he had listened to a guy about doing funnels, marketing funnels, and things like that, but the guy had made a million dollars. And so this guy said, Man, I sure would like to make a million dollars. And he said, I realized that I always talked about I'd like to make a million dollars. But he said, I never made it a goal. He said, and so once I made it a goal, he said, and I was not even close to getting there. He said, once I made it to goal, the first year I made, I think it was like six or seven hundred thousand dollars. He said, the next year I hit a million dollars. He said, but it never dawned on me that I never made it a goal. I just said, yeah, that'd be nice. It'd be nice to wear this size of clothes. It'd be nice to live in this neighborhood. It would be nice to do this. It wouldn't be nice to go on this vacate vacation. But when we set a specific target, say, I want to go on this vacation by this date. You know, I think I've talked about it before. If you've ever done Dave Ramsey, Financial Peace University, there is specific goals and targets of how you handle your putting cash in envelopes and the snowball and the different bills you hit first. And so there's a specific and clear target so that when you get there, you know if you're making progress or not. So our goals give us direction. Because if you put I want to lose 20 pounds and you get on the scale and you've lost two pounds, are you moving in the right direction? Yes. If you've gained five pounds after the holidays, are you moving in the right direction? No. No. You know that on the map you are going the wrong way. There's a sign that says one way only, and you are on the wrong way. But if you didn't have that, you wouldn't know. So without direction, we're just and there, and there's a lot of you on here that have done different races: 5K's, 10ks, half marathons. What if they if you put you out on the course and said, Well, see you later. Just run until just run. What if there's no finish line? How long would you last? Not long. Not long at all. I wouldn't start. Me either. But but they didn't tell you later. But but they didn't tell you there was no finish line until you started. And then you're already out there. Um, there was this a Spartan race we did one time, and and typically they're about 12 to 13 miles, typically. And they had said this course has changed a little bit, they weren't real sure of the mileage. Well, the 12 to 13 miles turned out to be almost 16 miles. You know, three miles more doesn't sound like a lot until you're on the 13th mile and you're thinking, where is the finish line? It is never gonna end, and it's exhausting. And and you're like, and without that clear goal of saying, okay, I can I can make it another half mile, but not knowing is like, I don't care. I'm gonna walk, I'm gonna walk around those obstacles, forget them. You know, it it I was just like, I don't care. And that's what happens sometimes when we don't have those clear specific goals or targets, is we just give up and say, I'm not getting anywhere. And so we have to have those. So we have to focus on the person we want to become instead of the behavior. We have to set those clear goals or targets, and then the last one is what happens when we try? What does the word try mean? We're gonna try to succeed or try to fail. Right. You're gonna, but try the word try gives you an out. You're either gonna succeed or fail. But I tried, and it makes us feel good because then then you kind of are saying, Well, I put some effort into it. I didn't really hit the goal, but I put some effort in. I'm gonna try. So we need to we instead of try, we need to train. Trying tends to be a momentary reaction. Well, I tried to move that rock and I gave up. I mean, I you know, you might have tried to pick it up. I tried to move that when we don't let try get in the way, and we decide, well, I couldn't pick it up, so I went and got a shovel and tried to flip it over. Well, that didn't work, so I had to go get a backhoe. Oh, and that finally worked because we didn't use that. So it's a momentary action where training, if we train to do something, it's an ongoing action. Just like small group training. All of you, for some reason, keep coming back day after day. And because it's an ongoing action. You're training, you're training to get stronger, you're training to get more cardiovascular fit, you're training to get to to for your mind to work in a different way, to think in a different way. You're training to make better food choices, to live a healthier lifestyle. You're not trying, you're training. And training means that sometimes you can lift the heavy weight, sometimes you can't, sometimes you can run the fast, sometimes you can't run the fast. So, and when we when we train, it means we're choosing discipline. Because why do most people get started? Started anything new, why do they usually do that? They want to change something, they want to change something. What what is the one word that gets them going? Motivation. Motivation. They are motivated by I need to get in smaller pants, I need whatever it is. They start by motivation. And typically, it's fun. It's always funny at these obstacle races. You can always tell the the new ones that have never done one before because they're just laughing and giggling and hooping and hollering at the beginning. If you see those same people about 10 miles in, they do not have the same attitude. They are dragging their butts, they're thinking this is the worst day of their life. They're covered in mud, they're cut up, they're they're limping along, they're they're massaging a calf cramp that they've never had before. So, so that's when discipline kicks in because it is no longer fun. It is no longer, oh, this is the first mile, this is great. We are, you know, you've been through some injuries, it's a it's hot or cold, it's just miserable. And and it's the discipline. And when we train, we have to be disciplined because there's days I know when you come and yeah, you're feeling good. You're like, I'm motivated to go. And then there's days when you show up and you go, I didn't want to get out of bed. I don't, I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to come, I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to get dressed, I didn't want to get in the cold car, I didn't want to come into the gym, I didn't want to talk to anybody, I didn't want to see anybody, I just didn't want to do any of it. And on those days, it requires discipline. Uh I shared a little bit about an admiral with the with the Navy SEALs. Um, he gave a speech to UT a number of years ago to the UT graduates. And he's talking about the let he's the one that wrote the book Make Your Bed. They talked about 10 different lessons that he learned from the Navy SEALs. And it was talking about training. And they they they keep them in, you know, freezing cold water, having them, you know, do all kinds of crazy stuff, and they they keep hollering at them, screaming them, and want them to ring the bell. Because if you ring the bell, you're out, you're done. Um, it doesn't matter if it's the last day, where it is in the training, if you ring the bell, you're out. And so they they keep on them, go ring the bell, go all you have to do is ring the bell. If you're cold and tired, and they'll keep them up for days at a time, and it's just miserable. And they keep pushing them to ring the bell. And because they want them to be disciplined, and the discipline means that when I'm cold, tired, and everything else is going wrong, I'll keep going. Because once they get through SEAL training, if they ring a bell, somebody could die. That that's if they give up, if they quit, somebody else is in trouble. And that's one thing about the Navy SEALs, they all go through it, and so they know the person next to them won't give up. They're disciplined, they're not, they're gonna keep going. And and and there's days sometimes that you know we want to ring the bell. We want to say, I'm tapping out today, but we don't because again, we look back to who I who do I want to become, and that person I want to become didn't ring the bell. All those people come February that had New Year's resolutions, they're ringing the bell. And I'm still going because I was motivated to get started, but now I'm really disciplined. And when we train, when we train for something, if you've ever trained for any kind of event or anything, maybe it's even if you've trained at work. At Boeing, I was an on-the-job trainer. So people knew people would come in and I'd teach them what to do. And sometimes they do really good, and sometimes they do really bad, and I'd want to go, I don't want to train you anymore. You're doing really bad, you're not gonna get this. But then they turn out to be really good at the job, and that's what training is. You sometimes have really, really good days, and then sometimes you have really, really bad days. But overall, you keep going, you keep moving forward, and you're not gonna say, I'm gonna try to do this. It's with training, is I didn't get that today, but I'm coming back tomorrow and I'm gonna do it tomorrow because you keep showing up because you're disciplined, and and that really is the motive that that's really the gap. Discipline is the gap between motivation and success. Why aren't some people successful? It's because they're not disciplined, they're not disciplined to do what it takes. What happens when somebody asks you, they say, Oh my gosh, you're looking great. What have you been doing? What do they do when you start listing the things you do? Oh, okay. But they roll their eyes. That yes. And they wouldn't you went to three classes today. You spent an hour and a half in the gym. You spent two hours in the gym. That's just nuts. You got up at four o'clock in the morning? Yes. You didn't go out to eat. Yeah. I was watching an interview with Mark Wahlberg. He's got a new movie coming out. I think I think he was on the today show. But anyhow, he was talking about one of the anchors asked him, Do you still get up at three o'clock in the morning? He said, Yes. He said, Yeah. He said, I mean, I got up at 3 o'clock this morning and hit the gym. And he said, That's just what I do. He said, I went to bed at 6 30 the night before, and he got up and he was there the next morning. Uh, but he said I get up at 3 o'clock because he said I wanted to be get my workout in. I wanted to be ready to show up for you. I wanted to be ready to be here for you. And they were like, oh my gosh, we can't believe that you know you got up at 3 o'clock. And he said, That's just that's what I do every day, no matter where I'm at. And he he talked about he had just flown in from London, but that didn't stop him. Um, he could have said, Well, I'll try to get up. If they give me a uh wake-up call, I'll try. He didn't say any of that. He said, I flew in from London, I got a few hours' sleep, I was up at 3 o'clock, got my workout in because I want to be ready for you. I want to be ready for this interview. Because that's discipline. I'm sure he would have much rather stayed in bed, but it's discipline. It's training, it's what I do. It's what I do on the good days, on the bad days, on the cold days, on the warm days, on the hot days. It's what I do. I do it every day because that's what I do, that's who I am, and that's how you become the person you want to become is you do it because that person did it every day to get there. They show up, they talk to the guy on the stage that's talking to 20,000 people. There were times when I talked to one person. One person. We were sitting in a circle of 20 chairs, and there was me and them, one person. And now there's, you know, we have 20 to 25 typically on here. But there were times when I looked at one person and talked, but kept talking and talking because of doing those things that person on the stage is gonna do. It's discipline over and over and over. So we have to focus on the on the person we want to become. We have to set those clear targets, and then we have to quit saying we're gonna try and we're in training. So the challenge is what change do you want to make? And where can you apply those things into that change that you want to make in your life? So it is long-lasting, it's a habit, it's a lifestyle, it's who you are. Any thoughts, comments, or questions about our three big mistakes? And if you watch people, real quick, if you watch people that that aren't meeting their goals and doing those things, they'll fall in, they'll they'll do all three of these. They they won't be doing those that they need to be doing. So any thoughts, comments, or questions about our big mistakes? Got a lot of them. Big mistakes or changes? Bel both. And just remember, change isn't easy because typically change will take you out of your comfort zone, and out of your comfort zone is where we grow. So change is not always fun. I mean, that's why many people don't change. So, but we should always ever be evolving to change. So if you have any thoughts, comments, or questions, just reach out and let me know. And oh, and don't forget, don't forget, tomorrow I have some spots open tomorrow afternoon for accountability sessions. So if you need that, you can just go on to the app, hit the plus sign, and you can find them there. So, and if you have any questions, just let me know. Thank y'all. And thank you to each of you for joining us today on sit and talk. I look forward to seeing right here next time on sit and talk.